5 Tips to Resolve Conflict in the Workplace

Episode 115: Today we have a replay of an earlier  episode, but it is very relevant coming off of such a busy time in the workplace. Conflict and disagreement in your life and workplace are inevitable. It's not easy, or comfortable to resolve your differences and make peace, but oh, so necessary! Vonda and Lori identify the 5 types of conflict in the workplace and share 5 Tips for resolving those conflicts.

More info about Vonda LaFever AIFD, PFCI and Lori Wilson Director of Customer Success at Flower Clique and The Business and Pleasure of Flowers

Sponsored by:
Flower Clique
Flower Clique Prep School
Real Life Retail Florist

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:03

Conflict and disagreement in teams really are inevitable. And then trying to resolve those is kind of difficult sometimes. But I think first let's talk about the types of conflict that we see in workplaces. Welcome to the Business and Pleasure of Flowers. We're your hosts, Vonda LaFever.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

And Lori Wilson. And we believe that business and fun are a perfect combination. Kind of like us, Vonda.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Lori, it's so unusual that I am sitting across the desk recording this entrance to our podcast today.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

I know. And I don't know how I feel about it. I'm so used to having these chats. And like it's weird. It really is. I think we've only done this one time with Ellie when we were here. Um, but I think that's it. Like, this is the second time we've been in the rooms. And I, you know, I listen to a lot of podcasts and I usually follow them on Instagram. And it's interesting because they always post little blippets where some of them, like there's two in one room, and they're they have like these little studios.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Like, I like the way we do it. I know, because we can see each other virtually, but now it's like, oh my gosh, Lori.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Yeah, it's weird. But um, anyway, we are having kind of doing a rerun. We are kind of rewind, right? We're gonna rerun, a rewind. Um, we did this episode what a year ago or more.

SPEAKER_02 1:42

More. This was episode 39.

unknown 1:44

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 1:44

So it was a long time ago because we're on 115 today, so quite some time ago. But when you were talking about a lot of things that were going on in shops after Valentine's Day, you're like, oh my gosh, we've already talked about this.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Right, right. Well, I was telling you maybe we should do a podcast on conflict or you know, with within your team, and we were like, Oh, wait, we've already done one. So, anyway, that's what we're doing today. You've edited a little bit, anything that we talked about from back then. Uh, but I was just reading a kind of a, I don't know, a quote, some statistics, and I thought this was really telling. And this came from a study by the a company that's called the Edelman Trust Barometer. So they do, they are kind of a consulting type company. It's talking about conflict within the workplace. And it says only 65% of people trust the company they work for, according to this thing. This number drops to 48% among non-executive employees. So from a retail shop owner, their employees, at least it's a little bit higher than so your part-time employees, your people that are just looking for a little hourly weight, you know, that kind of thing. There's no trust there. Wow. Yeah, yeah. And then it said only 26% of uh employees across the board believe their boss adequately handles office conflicts and workplace disputes. Wow. And that's 2022 data. That's crazy. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. So the shops we're talking to, think about how many people have new hires in this last two years. Um, and those new hire personalities are coming in to the old people, not age-wise, but more seasoned employees. And that whole dynamic changes. Oh, definitely. You know, and and the poor owner is dealing with only about 50% of them, even trusted.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

So so this is really important information just to listen to and say, hey, you know, how does this apply to me? Yeah. Conflict and disagreement in teams really are inevitable. Yes. And then trying to resolve those is kind of difficult sometimes. But I think first let's talk about the types of conflict that we see in workplaces, what causes those conflicts. And the first is really interdependent conflicts. It's like when one person is working on a project and they expect the other person that they're working with on the project to be able to do that in a timely manner, the same type of way they're doing it. And it's like, I don't like the way you're doing that, or she's not doing that the way I want her to do it. And that can cause some conflict.

SPEAKER_01 4:46

Yes, it very much can. I can remember one time I was in college, we got put in small groups to do a project. And there was one particular man in the group. He was older than the rest of us. We were not as into it as he was. But you know, you're all assigned a part that you have to bring to the group project. So he kind of assigned the part and he was in charge of it. He did not like that we weren't doing things the way he wanted. Yep. For someone like me, I just backed down. I'm like, well, if you like your way better, if you want to do it better, that's fine. As long as my name's on it, I don't really care. But other people, it's it's a personality thing, right? On how you're going to react. I knew as long as the project's done, if he wants to stay up all night doing it, more power to him. I did my part. I can prove I did it. He doesn't like how I do it. So move on. But that's what I was thinking of during this. There's always one of those people.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

So when somebody's working on crusages or boutineers, and you have somebody prepping the setups, but it's not the way that I like to do my setups. And then I get frustrated. I'm depending on that person to do it the way I wanted to, and they didn't cause us a little conflict.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

But, Bonda, my question to you is was the outcome the same? Was it your issue? It was my issue.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

Yeah, that's kind of. No, truly. And I think that's what we're gonna look at as far as tips on how to take care of that conflict or diffuse it. But I think it's interesting to see what is causing that, and it's a reality that's in our mind, but sometimes it's not real.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

Does that make sense? No, it totally doesn't. It kind of leads to your next one here. Yeah, the differences in styles. I think of when you and Julie were both teaching me during our flower prep school filming. You both taught me how to make a bow. I know people are listening, going, Are you kidding? Lori didn't know how to make a bow. But it was a certain kind of bow, but you guys had two different ways. Right? Absolutely. And you have learned it's okay. I do it this way, but the end result, they didn't look different because I tried both ways, and then even Ellie came in and was like, Oh, well, I don't do that. I do it this way. It was a third way. This one was interesting, Lori. The next one. Oh, the difference in backgrounds and gender, yeah, and culture. You know, we are all raised differently, we all come from a little bit different background. So how we see things are gonna be different.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

Absolutely. The next one differences in leadership style. I think we're all comfortable under a certain type of leadership. And if we find ourselves in a leader that we are not comfortable with or we don't believe in that style, it can definitely cause conflict.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

I agree. If you're an employee and you're dealing with an owner and a manager, depending on how big your shop is, you're dealing with all different leadership styles. You're gonna butt heads with certain types. Yes, it's just part of life. And the last one, which to me is the overriding one of all of these, is we just have different personalities. You're not gonna be best friends with everybody. We are called to love everybody, but we don't have to be best friends with everybody. There's a different, it's what they say is the biggest conflict in the workplace. Before we go into the other part, I just want to say it's so interesting to me. I feel like every time we do research for a subject on a podcast we're getting ready to do, there's always something that happens like the week prior that I can apply, if you will, what I'm learning. And that happened last week. We had our monthly Zoom shop talk meeting with all of our members. We had two different ones, and at both meetings, this was brought up because people were struggling, whether they called it drama or conflict, they were having trouble with it. One of the shops that isn't having trouble with it, I thought was interesting. He said when COVID happened, everybody had to leave for a while, and he said, and we only ask back the people that don't cause the drama. It's like, well, that's one way to exactly.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

No, I think that's awesome. When they said that, I was like, you know what? That is so smart.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Yeah, that you know which ones. Most of us are pretty intuitive. You know who the igniters are. So we know it's inevitable. Yes. What are some rules for resolving it? So we have come up with five. The first one, don't try to be right. I think of raising my kids when there was conflict, and I would have to grab them and say, Who started it? They say, Don't do that. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you're the owner or the manager, whoever they're coming to. The goal isn't to determine who started it, whose fault is it. The goal is to solve the conflict. Right. I get that. And you gotta leave your ego behind. Yes, it's really hard to do that. Our human nature is you want to go straight to who started it or whose fault is it. Instead of going straight to, okay, identify the problem, let's come up with some solutions.

SPEAKER_02 9:59

And I love this. The tone you set at the beginning of the conversation is key.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Yes, I think I've talked about this before on one of our podcasts. Something I learned a long time ago when it comes to your tone of voice. I learned this when I was teaching school and we were at in-service day teacher instruction, and they were talking about dealing with kids that get angry, easy, or you know, whatever. And they said, think of Winnie the Pooh. If you ever watch Winnie the Pooh, he's very calm. He never gets overly excited or underly excited. He's just pretty even keel. It's called low expressed emotion. He said, when you're dealing with people, the more elevated they get, the more you need to think of Winnie the Pooh. So I always do that. I don't do do it well, but I do try to think of that. That's really interesting. Yeah, that's true. He's just even keel. Yep. Tip number two: the thing about conflict, it's gonna be awkward, it's gonna be uncomfortable. It's never fun. It's never fun to have to sit face to face with somebody you're in conflict with and have to walk through it, right?

SPEAKER_02 11:04

No, it's not fun at all. It is uncomfortable. That's why so many managers or owners avoid the conversation. Yeah. Because it is uncomfortable and they don't even want to talk about the conflict. They just rather let the problem continue than try to solve it. Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

And it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And the problem is if if the leader doesn't go into those awkward conversations with the two people in conflict, if they're ignoring it, what I've seen happen in shops, those two people in conflict are going to grab everybody else on that staff to get aside because they need somebody on their side, and then the whole environment's toxic. Totally.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

That's when it really gets out of hand. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And that's why it's important to hit that conflict head on as soon as possible.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Right, as awkward as it is. So when it comes to conflict and when it comes to resolving it, one thing a friend of mine told me years ago, and she's an attorney, so she deals with litigation and mediation all the time. And she said, when you're resolving conflict, you have to have both parties reach, do negotiation. They have to have a compromise. And she said, What that means is when it's resolved, they should both get up from the table and walk away feeling like they had to give something. One of them walks away going, I was right, I won. That wasn't a negotiation, that wasn't a compromise. So I think that's really smart. Both have to give a little, both have to give a little.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

And I think the key is listening, right? It's listening to the other side.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

I'll never forget one time I was a cheerleading coach, you know, back in the day, and it was a group of eighth graders, and there was some drama, and I was not about the drama. This does segue right into tip number three, which is check your assumptions, but I want to tell you my assumptions were right. I knew because I know these girls, I knew them all too well. I had them in class, I knew them outside of class, and I knew the instigators. So my point is I took the two girls that I knew were causing the conflict. I took them and I put them in a classroom. We were in a hallway, and I just put them in the classroom and I gave them some parameters. It was very calm. I took no side and I said, I'm gonna keep checking every 15 minutes. When you guys have figured out a solution and you're ready to present it to me, you can come back to practice. The other part of it is they don't go to practice, they don't get to cheer. So, you know, I had some things I could hold over their head as a teacher, I guess, but it worked. It only took one 15-minute round and it was done.

SPEAKER_02 13:50

So, what you're saying is check your assumptions, and sometimes they're right and sometimes they're not, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:56

Yeah, and what I think they mean by check your assumptions, it's hard. You know, we all do have a favorite. You might have a favorite employee, we tend to favor, but don't assume, even if you know in your gut to be true, don't assume it because they're gonna feel that vibe from you, right? They're gonna know if you're doing that when you are the manager and you're dealing with the two people, your two employees. It's important to keep that open mind and to focus on just the facts. Here's what happened. I don't want to know how you feel, I want to know what happened. Right. Who was to deliver the flowers, whose wires got crossed here? Like, you just gotta know. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

Tip number four the more you run, the bigger the problem becomes. And this is kind of what I was saying. A lot of people just don't like to face that there's a conflict here.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Yeah, I was looking through all of this before my trick laptop, and I'm like, it's kind of like in a lot of marriages doesn't want to deal fine and walk away. Like, yeah, this is how we are. And the person that we got a lot of our feedback from, he says he looks back and he was a horrible boss. He didn't mean to be. He wasn't a horrible boss because he was mean, he was a horrible boss because he just didn't want to deal with it. It made his entire team dysfunctional, right?

SPEAKER_02 15:27

Because unaddressed problems just grow and grow, and then the conversation becomes more and more difficult to have with both parties involved or all the parties involved, because sometimes they're not just one or two people.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

You know, Bonda, I wonder too, if when you let something like that go for so long and the employees, because there's got to be at least one or two employees sitting there waiting for the manager to intervene, right, and deal with this issue, especially once it's clear they're aware of the problem. If I were an employee in that environment, because I'm kind of a rule follower, like I can't stand if people don't follow a rule. So I would look at that, and if he or she is not dealing with the conflict, I would really lose a lot of respect for them.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

Yeah, and I think that's what happens a lot of times is that the longer it goes, the easier it is for an employee just to walk away and say, if this person can't deal with it, I don't want to be here. Yes, right. I think that is where a lot of employees will walk away. And like you said, like marriage, it's the same thing. Right. Longer and longer and longer, it's too difficult to deal with the problem. You just want to walk away. So just don't let it fester.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

So what do you do? Because you're a shop owner or you were a shop owner for so many years, what do you do if it is just so incredibly uncomfortable for you to put yourself in that position? Do you if your manager wants to do it? I'm just trying to figure out if it is so out of your element to sit there and do any kind of conflict resolution, then you need to find somebody that will.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

Yes, but really you, as the owner manager have to deal with it. And my suggestion on that is you take them one by one. Lori, I'm gonna take you into my office and say, why do you have this problem with Cam?

SPEAKER_01 17:19

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:20

I know it isn't a problem, but anyway, what what is it that's bothering you that she does? Because there's got to be just a little something because it's doesn't seem to be your personality. So, what is it that's really getting on your nerve that is causing this conflict? Now then you're gonna go back in the other room and I'm gonna call Cammy in. It's the same thing, you know, with employees when you're working in close proximity to one another, it's just like the person who brushes his teeth and doesn't do the toothpaste the way you want it, you know. Yeah, those little things. Why doesn't she clean off her table every time she works? Yeah, well, she just doesn't, and we can try to get that to happen.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

You know, I think we've been working virtual for so long. I don't know that I could work alongside somebody five days a week. Just not even so much that they would bother me. I would drive them crazy. I know that because I know who I am. I know that I'm like, no, it would be bad. I would feel really I could see a lot of people getting annoyed by me.

SPEAKER_02 18:23

Would they be saying, could you get her an office with a door on it? Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Exactly. They would do something, I don't know what. So I like this. Undress problems only grow in size. And I think you said that earlier. Um, they not only grow in size, the longer it goes, the harder it is to bring it up.

SPEAKER_02 18:42

It is.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

You're so right.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

So right. So the tip is to deal with the problems as close to the time that they appear as possible. Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

And know that you're approachable as the owner because you want to hit it head on, right? And we've talked about this so many other times. Yeah. Make sure your employees know you can be trusted, what your expectations are amongst them, meaning you do not want this kind of stuff festering. So they know they can come to you.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

That's true. That makes all the difference in the world for sure.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Yeah. Okay. Tip number five: realize confrontation is healthy and it's normal. None of us are perfect. We research lots of different studies, and most of them show that unresolved anger releases cortisol, which increases your stress and fatigue. So we got to get our angry stuff out. Yeah. Which is why I'm so excited. Football season is back. I can yell at my TV. I can get my cortisol up. I can get it all up. But you know what I mean. So if we keep it in, yeah, for sure, that's what causes a lot of health. What is it? People get migraines, high blood pressure, heart problems, physical back problems, relationship problems. You've got to have a way to get it out. One thing that I've noticed since we're all working from home now, that my husband's been doing lately that I see as him getting those things out. I think not conflict towards me, but maybe work-wise, is in the middle of the day, he might go get on his bike and just go on a bike ride. And I feel, yes, it's good exercise, but I think it's just clearing his head after that meeting or after that one-on-one. I've noticed it's like, that's good. That's good. You come back home and you have a little bit better of a perspective.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

Absolutely. It clears your head. Yeah. For sure. It takes you away from the situation, it gets your body and your mind both away from the physical location, which really puts you in a better space.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

You know, something that I do, I rarely get in that space within work. But if I do, I will type out an email and I'll usually send it to Cami or I've sent it to Ellie, or you, I think I've probably sent all three of you and said, before I send to the person, send it to somebody first because the next day you might think that you didn't want to send that.

SPEAKER_02 21:09

So that's true. Have somebody take a look at it first.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

All right, Vonda.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

I think we have resolved conflict. Let's just go through those all five right in a row. First one, don't try to be right.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

And the second one, it's gonna be awkward and it's gonna be uncomfortable. Do it anyway.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Check your assumptions, is number three.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

Number four, the more you run from it, the bigger that problem's going to become.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

And number five, realize that confrontation is healthy. It is healthy, but can become unhealthy if you don't resolve it.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Perfect.

SPEAKER_02 21:42

You circled her back around.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

Circle her back around. I'm good at it.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

Wow. You know, that was really good to listen to that again because it's still as relevant today as it was a year ago, and it will still be a few years ago.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Yeah, no, totally agree. And I would even go as far as to um encourage a shop owner to share this podcast with their employees. Yeah. I mean, number one, it's gonna show the employees that, oh my gosh, she's trying, or he's trying, he's wanting, you know, they don't have to listen to it as a team. That would be weird. But just like, hey, I thought of you, you know, I wanted to share this with all of you guys. Listen to it if you want, um, in in helping kind of start creating getting everybody on the same page.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

Yeah, helping the culture in the shop.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Yes, yes. The one other thing I was looking at this week that I thought was interesting, and I we we touched on it, but we didn't really, really focus. One really important thing in as the leader to resolve conflict. If if you aren't this person, find someone on staff who can be you can approach them with the conflict, and they can maintain complete neutrality.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

That would be the Lori Wilson on our team.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

Yes, but I'm saying, you know, and know who that person is on your team that can go, wow, okay, I really want to hear both sides. I truly want to, you know, and and it's important because that's what makes them feel safe. Yeah, yeah. So love it. Great idea. So Vonda, the question of all questions, and I'm gonna ask you, and make yours as long as you want, because I don't have an answer right now. What is inspiring you right now?

SPEAKER_02 23:39

I think uh ours is both the I think ours is both the same. It's being to be together. I think it's you and I and Ellie are here and we're being creative. Yes. Now we're doing a photo shoot. Exactly. And just having a lot of fun. And when we get together, oh my gosh, our minds and our mouths never stop. Yeah, never stop.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

And and we stay up an hour past our bedtime, which is until 10 o'clock.

SPEAKER_02 24:01

10 o'clock last night.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

Ellie went to bed at like 9. So, you know, us we were late nighters. So, no, you're absolutely right. And it's uh it's always inspiring. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you enjoyed spending time with us because we enjoy spending time with you. If you did, make sure you hit that subscribe button or add the business and pleasure of flowers to your Google morning routine or your flash briefing on Alexa. We look forward to seeing you next week.

SPEAKER_02 24:33

So please come back and join us and discover how a bit of knowledge and one small change in your mindset can take you to new levels in your life and business.