8 Subtle Signs of a Confident Genuine Leader

Episode 182: What qualities do you look for in a leader? We believe it starts with leading by example, however, do you notice the subtle signs of a leader? Lori shares eight signs that will give you food for thought and get the wheels turning on who the leaders were / are in your life, while Vonda challenges you to take action. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

That is exactly where you get it. You! Now I've been trying to figure that out, Lori. Oh my gosh, now a light bulb just went off in my head. Welcome to the business and pleasure of flowers. We're your hosts, Vonda LaFever and Lori Wilson.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

And we believe the business and fun are a perfect combination. Kind of like us, Vonda. All right, Vonda, I went down another rabbit hole. Um, I started thinking about your story last week about the employee that you had to let go of the great designer. You said was a really good designer. I mean, she was very good and she was good on the phone, but she had kind of this toxic confidence about her, right? It wasn't like a positive confidence, right? Right. So, of course, you know me, I Googled toxic confidence, and I started researching anyway. It brought me to the positive side, uh, more subtle side of confidence. And so I wanted to talk about that today because I came across like eight subtle signs that someone is a leader, but they're subtle, and they are actually things that we don't really think of as when you think about the word leader. I think used to back in the day when I was a youngster, I always thought of the word leader as this big grandiose person that was on stage and just everybody, you know, leader, he's a leader, or she's a leader, and we're fine, but that's not really what a real authentic leader is. I mean, that's just like a famous person, right? Um, so these are signs that someone is a true authentic leader, and I think it'd be fun to kind of go through them today because I think more of us, and by us I mean the listeners, more people have these qualities than they realize.

SPEAKER_01 2:23

Yeah, yeah, because when you were saying a leader, so many times it's that leader that you sit at their foot and you want to hear what they have to say, right? That's where I some when you're saying that, that's what I was saying.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

I want to be like that. Mary listening to Jesus, sitting at the foot, listening to what he says. So a leader, yes, natural. There you go. I love it. So um, this is somebody who, you know, when they speak or when they act, whatever it is they do, maybe it's a little more subtle. It's not like they're screaming or they're um being super theatric, but whatever it is, people take notice. So I think that's a good way to put it. They take notice. Yeah. So number one, and this kind of goes without saying, but they make people around them better. So let's throw that back into a business owner. You own a flower shop, you own a small company, you don't have to own a flower shop, but you own a small business, you don't own a business, you are a stay-at-home mom and you have five kids. I mean, put yourself in whatever position, whatever it is, the people that are around you, you make them better. Yeah, I think that's pretty cool. And so one of the quotes here, it says, When you've done well and another has benefited by it, why, like a fool, do you look for a third thing on top? Credit for the good deed or a favor in return. That's what a toxic leader, you don't look for favors, you just do a good deed. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

I think that's the whole idea. In position, maybe you're not even the owner of the flower shop, you're not even a manager, you are a leader within the organization. Kind of we talked to like last week about the designer who is kind of watching over things but and wants everybody else to be better. They're leading by example, but they're also maybe offering little tidbits to make the other person better. So, you know, the leadership isn't always from the top, it's sometimes there's so many leaders from within.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Oh, for sure. Um, they talk about, you know, they don't need people to know that they played a part. That was never the point. The fact that people are getting better was always the aim. That's the real win. I think about um back way back when my kids were small, and I always volunteered at our church. And I've joked with you about the main reason I did was because there was always free child care. That's how they would get us with us moms in, going, you get free child care if you volunteer. So I was there literally four or five days a week helping. So, especially in the summer, getting ready for vacation or Bible school. And my friend Stacy, uh, she would be there too. And we both, again, had our teaching degrees, but we weren't teaching, we were mamas. She was this person, she was a very and still is quiet, very quiet spirit. Unlike myself, I was the allowed spirit, she was the quiet spirit, she was very crafty, she was very like make everything behind the scenes just miraculously happen. She made everything better, but no one would know it, and she did not care. Yeah, and it made me crazy because I would always want to shout out her name and she would stop and say, Lori, please don't. Please don't. God knows that's all I need. Please, for the love of God, do not like she did not want me to.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

You now I've been trying to figure that out, Lori. Oh my gosh, now a light bulb just went off in my head because whenever we're talking, I'm like, Lori, Lori did this in my no, no, no, no, it's okay. We don't need to know. She taught me that. Crazy, and that's why we talk about how whenever I want to say how great you did or what a wonderful job, you're always like just between us, between us, don't do that in a group.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Don't ever she like imprinted that on me back in 1992, very early. Like, yeah, wow, and she has no idea, like it gets me teary-eyed when I think about it because I saw that in her. It's such it was so powerful, like, but I saw it that was just one little instant, but over and over and over, she was the one that anytime any family was in need, she would show up in silence to you know take their kids if the mom was sick, or bring dinner. Just I it was like she was quiet as a mouse, but showed up with whatever was needed. She just did. And I'm like, I want to be, and she was my age, but it's like, I want to be like her when I grow up. I want to be like and you are oh my god, I'm still not as cool as her. Oh my gosh. But anyway, I think we are lucky when we look around and and have good leaders in our lives that don't even know they're good leaders, right? And so that's I think that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

Actually, it's the two. You put the two of those together in that story, is they make people around them better, but they don't make it all about them, so it's the two of those together, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Number two, though, yeah, they don't make everything about them. What I realize with that one is when you start doing that, gosh, it's so much more fun. It is so much more fun to see and celebrate somebody else and watch them shine. And I remember as a kid, you know, look at me, look at me, look at me. That's great. But being able to, I don't know, it's it's it's a feeling, and I think we all know when it's time to do that.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

I don't yeah, I love this. Rather than making themselves the center of everything, they are comfortable for others to take center stage and bask in the limelight. I just love that, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

And I think it's it's that feeling for us, it's almost like that proud parent, even when it's not your child. You know, it's that feeling of the I I get that way with Ellie a lot when I'm with her. And I know like she doesn't love the limelight, no, but those moments when she's in them and she is always so great when she's in them, like my heart. I was just like, ah, so proud. So proud.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

And you put her there, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

So great, so great. So, number three, I laugh because I've always I used to do this a lot, again in the classroom. They ask stupid questions, and I never knew this was like a subtle sign of leadership, and and I want to explain a little bit about this. So the reason I think people do this, so when I would be in a classroom, and let's say someone's doing a book report on, I don't know, let's pretend it's Abraham Lincoln or whatever. And I'm listening and I'm listening, and I know they know more about what they're talking about than they've really said. And so, based on what they've said, they probably aren't gonna get a great grade, but I know there's more in it. So I'm gonna ask a couple of more leading questions. Like, I don't know the answers to them, even though I do, because I want them to be more successful. So I'm go, hmm. I seem to remember he didn't he die in a weird, like a crazy way. Like, how exactly did Abraham Lincoln die? Like, you know, something, and he's like, Oh yeah, he did, and he'll tell me, Yeah, yeah, tell me about that. I'm gonna ask a stupid question because I know that smart kid up there was just shaking in his boots because he had to give me the speech, but he can do better, right? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, totally. So that's what makes sense good leaders are gonna do, and you're gonna do that in a design show, right? Or or if you're in your shop and you're in a staff meeting and you're talking about policy, or if you're talking about new recipes, you you know what you're getting ready to feature on your website, and you maybe have some new employees that don't know a lot about plants. That's a perfect scenario. You don't want to embarrass them or shame them. So maybe you're gonna talk about some new plants that came in and you're gonna act stupid and familiarize yourself with them. Perfect example. Number four, they build from the ground up, so they don't have to just walk in to a perfect situation, right? That would be perfect, it would be nice, but when have you when have any of us ever walked in to a perfect situation?

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Uh no, that we don't usually, but you don't have to, you're right. You you just need to be able to go in, observe around you, and take on what's there and start building from there. Make the best of what you have.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

I think that's just, I mean, that could be the motto of our industry, especially going through all of the sourcing of flowers and lack thereof. Yeah, walking in your cooler, make the best of what you have, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Yeah, no, that one kind of is is our industry as a whole.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

Yeah, exactly. This next one I think is absolutely key is you do more than just say sorry, um fix what happened, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:50

So you just yeah, an apology. You and I've both worked with people who they'd be doing stuff and they're saying, I'm sorry. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

An over-apologizer.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Yes, the over-apologizers is right. And it's like say you're sorry, then let's see what we can do to correct what's happened, you know.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Someone told me a long time ago, this is, I mean, in there are there are three parts to an apology, and without the three parts, an apology really doesn't mean anything. And first is, you know, I'm sorry. The second is you the acknowledgement of the hurt of whoever, you know, and the third is how you're gonna fix it, like the solution. Talk about, you know, here's what I'm gonna do to fix it. Um, and I would even add a fourth, the execution of that solution. Because without all of those things, sorry, that's just a word, and we've we've all been in those situations, especially with a boss where you're oh sorry, or an employee, or even just friends, or oh sorry, sorry and you just think just since you say the word, it's like it's over.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Okay, never mind, I can move on.

SPEAKER_00 15:14

Yeah, it doesn't, it's it this says, you know, sorry is only as strong as the action it inspires. And that's that's the key. And people figure that out pretty quickly when they watch leaders. You know, it's one thing to say sorry, it's quite another to say I'm sorry, and then you see the action that follows. Yeah, no, that's the really good point. Um, number six is they know when to ask for help. I love that. And I think even more is they're not afraid to ask for help. We all need help.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

And you have to realize you can't do it yourself, you can't do everything yourself.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

Nor I don't want to live in a world where I have to.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

As that leader, you know your limits, you know what you're capable of. We talk a lot about delegating, right? So it's all it's about asking for help or delegating certain things that'll make everyone, the whole team around you, stronger.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Yeah. As I say, required needing wisdom from others. This is has nothing to do with asking for help, but the word wisdom reminds me of um my son sent me this TikTok, and it to me, I it I don't know why. I keep thinking about it. He sent it to me last week, and it said, Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to add it to fruit salad. That's cute, and I was like, wow, that's true. Knowledge and wisdom. That's truly true. Yeah, and you need both, right? Right. Right. That's knowledge, but the wisdom is the smart is knowing you don't want to put it in your fruit salad.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

So love it.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

Little side note. Um, the next thing is embracing the discomfort. That goes back to last week.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

The hard stuff, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

The hard stuff shut the door. You were talking about the awkward silence, knowing there's drama out there with the awkward just shutting the door. But uh, you got to shoulder the burden, you got to confront the employees, you gotta push not only yourself, you got to push others. I think about god times you've like when we were all of that sympathy photo shoot times, and there were we were exhausted, the whole group of us, and there's been many times we've been at things, and you've had to push us, and you were exhausted too, but there have been times you've had to push us, and we didn't want to be pushed. We rotated, yeah, took turns when we knew no one else is gonna do it right now. I think maybe I have the most energy, it's pretty fascinating, and you just have to embrace it and move on. But it's uncomfortable sometimes. But it's there there's something about feeling safe in the uncomfortableness with your people. I'm okay embracing discomfort as long as I feel safe with these people, right? If these people I'm with are not safe, like you and Ellie can, you know, whoever I'm doing stuff with, where I can't have my temper tantrum, then you know my temper tantrum, I'm gonna probably bail and just so to me, if I'm a manager and I'm running a shop, that's why it's my number one priority is I need my people to feel, hey, we're safe, we are safe here. It's a safe place. We're going to protect one another. We might yell at each other, we're gonna have a temper tantrum here and there, we're gonna explode, but we're still gonna love each other and it's okay because we're gonna get exhausted on the week of Valentine's Day or Mother's Day or prom. We're gonna hate making croissages, we're gonna throw one on the floor, we might even stomp on it. It's okay, stuff's gonna happen. Yeah, doesn't mean we're bad. We just did a bad thing, we just made a bad choice. It just push through, push through. We're gonna push it, we're gonna push through. Yeah, so and then the last one is the subtle sign of a good leader. They're not afraid of the truth. A lot of people use honesty to mean a lack of filter, they hide behind vulnerability. Um, a confident leader recognizes the value of authenticity. So there's a company a few years ago that I know somebody, um, and they implemented a policy. This this girl didn't, but the company did. And there was a new company-wide policy. Basically, the premise of the policy was no bad news to be reported. So it was right before COVID that this policy was implemented. It wasn't so it's not COVID-related. Um, it was they had changed like CEOs, they had changed up their whole HR team, like a whole thing. They were trying to be very much more culturally inclusive, which is great, but they were um just changing up a whole bunch of things. So, with that said, anytime you reached out to anyone in upper management, like, hey, uh, we're struggling with these certain logistics, or we're we see we're down here, we're having these issues, you would be reprimanded because it was a negative. So basically, nothing negative, no truth, even if it was true, was allowed. So, nothing was getting done, really. Some nothing was getting done because it was unless it was spun into a positive. Like, let's pretend you you had a POS system. You're going to order your flowers, and the shipping wouldn't work. So they're, you know, saying, Hey, that's not working, it's not working, it's not working, and they would get reprimanded. They would get mad and no, yes, it is. Yes, it is. Be positive, think positive thing. Anyway, wow, it was just so incredibly insane that people started quitting. Lower people did. Anyway, long story short, everybody and upper upper people that created this now have been fired. There's a whole new regime, and it's it's screwed up. But the bottom line is they were not telling the truth, they just didn't want to know the truth. Yeah, they wouldn't be able to accept it. You have to be able to they didn't want to accept the truth, they just thought, we're just going, no bad news, you know. It's like the Broadway musical, The Whiz. There's that song, Don't Nobody Bring Me, no bad news. And that's all I could think of when she was telling me this. I'm like, that's that song, it makes no sense. You have to be able to tell the truth. That's a sign, and you have to be able to hear the truth.

SPEAKER_01 22:57

You have to be able to take that in, right, and be authentic, and but with your reactions, right?

SPEAKER_00 23:02

Right. It goes, and it goes back to our last week. If there is an issue, if you're a designer and you see low quality work coming out of another designer and they're not gonna take your help, you do and and you're like, I don't want to get involved. Well, you do need to say something to the manager, going, Hey, you might want to just quality check everything we have over here. You know, you you don't want to tattle that we say, do you do quite quick quality check, just make sure everything's up to your standards, done.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

Yeah, these are really great, Lori. It's interesting because I I really would like everyone to think about someone in their life who has been that confident leader who maybe, as you mentioned first, made people around them better, or what what you have learned from somebody who is a confident leader, but very subtle. And so you mentioned your friend Stacey. I will have to say that I had a teacher in auto mechanics when I was in high school. Yes, and it was auto mechanics and it was small engine repair. It was that, believe it or not. I took that in high school and I loved it. And Mr. Shelody was his name, brand new teacher. He was there, you know, very first year, and he was there for like two or three years. Fast forward, I think probably 20 years after I was out of high school, I was working on my John Deere tractor, and I was getting it all taken care of. And you know, I went on Google and I looked up a phone number for Mr. Jim Shelity, and I and I called him and I said, You will not remember me. But and he answered the phone, which was weird anyway, and I said, You will not remember me, but I'm just calling to say thank you. You were just oh I love you, and I learned so much from you, and I know it was your first year, anyway. It was a very quick conversation. Yeah, I think he probably got off the phone and went, What the heck?

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Oh, I bet he loved it.

SPEAKER_01 25:13

I just touched by remembering everything he had taught me, which is kind of strange, right? That many years ago, that because I hadn't worked on my mower for years, and yeah, anyway, yeah. So that's my challenge is think about someone who has been a leader to you, all you clickers, and and pick up the phone and call them, or send an email, or send a card, just let them know. Let them know. You just never know. You just don't know how many lives you have touched or that they have touched, and and have no idea. And that's like you said, that's where the joy is.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

Yeah, it is. And and maybe just listening to this a person has popped in your head. Maybe you didn't even realize they were that quiet, subtle leadership that imprinted on you so much. You know, maybe leader was not the word you associated with, you just knew they impacted your life and you wanted to be like them.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

Yeah, you want to model your life, yeah, what they taught to be. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

Um, you really liked these little takeaways. Um, I do.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

I love those, Lori. Why don't you just rattle those off and just think about it?

SPEAKER_00 26:29

So these are just the little quick uh takeaways as far as signs that someone is a genuine leader. Number one, they improve people around them. Number two, they don't need to be in the limelight. Number three, which is my favorite, they're not afraid to look stupid. Number four, they can start from scratch. They don't need a running start. Number five, they don't just say sorry, they make things right.

unknown 26:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

Number five, they're not afraid to ask for help. Number six, they are comfortable with discomfort. And number eight, they can handle the truth. Those are great. I just love those. So just it all they're really, really good. I'm gonna may have to screenshot these and put them up on my desktop to remember, but they are they're good little reminders. You know, these would be good to put up in in a flower shop to remind not just the owner, but all employees, because every single employee can be a natural, subtle leader. You don't have to be in some sort of manager to lead.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

No, for sure not.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

You can be the quiet VBS volunteer, right? You can um those behind the scenes using the copy machine. Remember the old copy machines that would spin that smell that purple stuff that we used to, yeah. And I miss those days. That was a lot of work. That was a lot of work back then. My job now is way easier than being teaching Bible school. That was exhausting. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you enjoyed spending time with us because we enjoy spending time with you. If you did, make sure you hit that subscribe button or add the business and pleasure of flowers to your Google morning routine or your flash briefing on Alexa. We look forward to seeing you next week.

SPEAKER_01 28:39

So please come back and join us and discover how a bit of knowledge and one small change in your mindset can take you to new levels in your life and business.