3 Steps in the process of life changes that you might be experiencing now

016: Join Vonda and Lori as the relate the Change Curve to what is happening today. In the business world, the curve, and its associated emotions, is often used to predict how performance is likely to be affected by a significant change.  We are certainly in changing times right now! Where are you in the process? 

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Transcript

Vonda:   0:08
The change curve is a method of helping people understand their reactions to significant change. Like now, temporarily closing your business, working from home or social distancing, these three steps  we cover today will help you make sense of how you might be feeling right now. Welcome to The Business and Pleasure of Flowers we're your hosts Vonda LaFever   

Lori:   0:39
and Lori Wilson and we believe that business and fun are perfect combination. Kind of like us Vonda.  

Vonda:   0:55
Hey, Lori. How you doing today?  

Lori:   0:57
I am doing quite well. How are you doing?  

Vonda:   1:01
I'm doing okay. I just keep reflecting on how it's been such a different week.    

Lori:   1:08
Well, it's been a different month, Vonda. Yeah, different is the word. I like that you told us the other day in our staff meeting, one of the first things is, take a breath. Everybody take a breath.  

Vonda:   1:22
Yeah. Yeah, that's so true. We just have to take a deep breath and take it in and say, Okay, this is where we are right now. It's so strange. I was out at the grocery store with my mask and my gloves, and I'm very careful, keeping in that line. six feet apart, It's so weird to go in the grocery store and have no one talking, No one exchanging glances.  

Lori:   1:49
Oh, it's such an eerie feeling. The last time I was at a grocery store was a week ago. My husband and I went and we had masks, but what I was so aware of, everyone's just focused on their stuff. You just focused yourself. You're not making eye contact with each other. You're not reading each other's body language. You're just trying to get in and get out. I had a lot of sadness coming out of the grocery store because, you know, since I work from home, I go to the store and I try to make friends with people because I haven't seen humans all day long. I I don't get that anymore when I go.  

Vonda:   2:29
And you're the helpful person

Lori:   2:30
I am the helpful person, right. I like to see like the elderly man that has something on his list. Didn't know what the difference between all purpose flour and cake flour, you know, and I'm over there helping him. I can't do that. So it's It's just a strange time for all of us. I know that I'm really aware, too, of the noises in the grocery store. I think a couple rows over when we were there, somebody coughed. And everyone, just you kind of look up. And that is the one moment my husband I made eye contact like Uh Oh, like, calm down, people cough. It doesn't mean we're all everyone in the store is getting Covid-19. But your fears are just so heightened.

Vonda:   3:18
They really are, because you just don't know where the person who is standing six feet away from you is in not just their mental state, but physically. Are they okay, or do they have it? And they're trying to hide it and make a quick run into the grocery store. Its the fear.   

Lori:   3:35
It is a constant internal struggle. I think we have especially, you know, you and I were talking about We're both doers, like we want to go out and help people and gosh, There's there's a lot of limitations right now. We can't I have a child at home that has some compromised immunity. You have a partner that is as well. So we have these things that It's not about us  

Vonda:   3:58
right, it's not about us, because we would be out there  

Lori:   4:00
We would be out there. I'm like, Bring it on, but I can't get because it's not the responsible thing to do. So this is what you keep saying our new normal.  

Vonda:   4:10
We're trying to find that new normal when we were talking about all of the things that are going on and many of our members with Flower Click and you've had so many of those conversations there all at different stages and you do a lot of listening to what's happening. 

Lori:   4:26
Yeah, I have. And depending on not only with their state, but their county there, even down to their own zip code. Everybody has a different story or a different mandate. I've talked with shops that have completely shut down because they have to. I have talked to shops that don't have to, but they have made the choice to its how they feel. They need to protect people. And then I've talked to shops that are trying to stay open for delivery at some capacity and what I'm learning there is no right or wrong. I mean It's wrong if you go against what your state mandated. We cannot walk in the other person's shoes, we can only walk in our shoes right now. And at the end of the day, when you lay your head down, you have to do what's best for you and your company, right? And your family?  

Vonda:   5:20
Absolutely. I want to go back to something called the Change curve. It's been adapted from the stages of grief, but this is actually a model that was developed in the sixties to explain the process of how you change in your business and its management style. It's like, Okay, we're gonna make this big change in our business. So let's take that. And how can we move that into our business? Well, we haven't chosen to make this change. This was not our choice, but it's still the same process. For instance, the first stage in this is shock and denial. When it all came about, so much of us were in shock, and really there was denial whether this really would hit our area or not

Lori:   6:08
right,  I remember the first conversation I had about this. It was with you and my husband Mark. We were on vacation and it seemed so far away, Like oooh, I feel bad for those people. And then we just go. Honestly, I mean, I'm just be really honest here it's true.  

Vonda:   6:29
I forgot about that Lori.  

Lori:   6:30
Yeah, I wasn't even in shock. I was like, Aw, that's sad. What are we doing for dinner? Like I could transition easily into that because it didn't seem real yet. But, boy, the minute we got back from that trip, it hit us hard and fast. I don't know if that was denial. I think it was being a really naive on my part. I think there's a difference there.  

Vonda:   7:01
And it was the early stages. So that could be the difference too, because it was, it was early on, and then it hit different places at different times.  We were denying that it was really gonna hit our area, right? It was like, you're right. We were a little naive because you didn't think it affected us.

Lori:   7:19
right. Well, and again vacation, we weren't watching news that much. And then you fast forward. Two weeks later, our web director, Kammi Martin. She and her family and her best friends whose her pastor, they went on a vacation, never watched the news once, gave them a couple more weeks of freedom and she came back, we were in the thick of it here with our shops, and she was like we slapped her in the face. She was like, What? What? Oh my gosh, I remember, she said, " should I be worried" Her Kids are at the neighbors house. It's just one of those things. It hit us all at different stages. At different times because either the state we live in or the vacation we were on, and like lack of information. That's what the shock is due to. So maybe it hit us so hard because we weren't as informed as we possibly should have been.  

Vonda:   8:18
Yeah, that's one of things I always think is so important is we feel more empowered if we have the knowledge. So we know more what's going on. It helps us get through that first shock and denial is to get more knowledge, and we have such a fear of the unknown. There's a fear of looking stupid or we're doing something wrong. What is it that gets us to the point of being comfortable?

Lori:   8:42
you know, it's funny. There is a quote out there, and it probably isn't going to make sense to anyone but me. But it says "we do not fear the unknown. We fear what we think we know about the unknown." So think about that one. We fear what we think is gonna happen. The unknown could be good, you know. But when we fear the unknown it's a scary feeling and it goes back to control, we can't control it. So we have to ride it out  

Vonda:   9:16
And they say that this first step in the shock and denial is communication is just key reiterate these are the changes, we need to stay home. And this is what's gonna happen if we do that. And we are helping and supporting everybody with their feelings. So I think that's where you have been a huge help is really letting people talk and truly listening to help them understand.  

Lori:   9:43
Well, I think right now, more than ever, community is imperative in our well being in our mental health, you know, and emotional health and even physical health so Flower Clique, our members, I've been trying to do zoom meetings, come and eat a virtual lunch with me, or we've even done virtual happy hours. You know whoever can come and just be a part of it. There is no specific agenda, we'll talk about whatever you need. And I think it's really important to push yourself to do that too cause a lot of us. Not myself. But a lot of people default to retreat in these kind of times, and you gotta push yourself and make sure you're putting yourself out there.  

Vonda:   10:29
That's when you go into the Depression. That's what you have to try to get away from. And that is step two, is anger and depression, and trying to be part of a community will help you from the Depression, for sure. Sometimes you can voice that anger, right? And somebody listen to you and help you defuse that.

Lori:   10:50
Right. When I was reading through these this morning, you were reading all of your notes and common feelings like your suspicion, is this fake or is you know that's going on. Skepticism, frustration. I know people in my life that are doing all of these things. I noticed this morning a girl I went to high school with not a big deal, but it was so great that I had read this prior because what she posted on her Facebook post told me I could look, go. Yep, There she is. She is in this stage right now. She's away behind. She lived in a very small town in Oklahoma that there's anything wrong with that. But I'm just saying she is pretty isolated and the thing she's riding like, she's not there yet, But I could give her a little bit of grace. I get it because that's how I was in February, and that's how she's dealing with it. She's very much in that. She's very angry, very angry.  

Vonda:   11:51
The thing you just said was, give him grace. You and I both read the letter that was written from Society of American Florist about florist grappling with a decision to stay open and not stay open. And it's It was such a good article. It also brought to our attention more so that some people are getting angry with others because they made the decision to stay open.  

Lori:   12:17
Yeah, Well, I can attest to that. I have had conversations with some of our members who have just been so hurt by people sending them, whether it was a private Facebook message or what have just saying basically, how dare you stay open? And it just breaks my heart because I know the character of that person. And he is not taking lightly his decision to stay open and no employees are there. He is doing this all alone, and you know what I mean. And so it is. It's heartbreaking. It's just so important for us to sit back and not compare our choices to the next person.  

Vonda:   13:01
Everybody's situation is so different.

Lori:   13:02
everybody is going to be a little bit different when we go down that rabbit hole of comparison. There is nothing good that comes out of that.  

Vonda:   13:11
Yeah, I was really sad because I was talking to somebody who runs an association, and they were saying that people were dropping the association because somebody else in that association had chosen to stay open and were not taking a stand. And we tried to point out. It truly is an individual decision.  

Lori:   13:29
Yeah, the article you were talking about in S a f First of all. So everyone knows you don't have to be a member to read it. It's for everyone. They send it out. You can probably log onto their Web site and read it. But what I like about it they interviewed a woman, Dana Cook. I don't know her, but I love the quote that she gave out of Wilmington, she says, "I wake up every morning after nightmares, the internal struggle to figure out the right thing to do for my business, my employees. In my community, it is real, and it changes every day." She is open right now, but that doesn't mean the struggle is gone like she constantly is questioning herself and I think Vonda, honest to God, I think most business owners feel that way.  

Vonda:   14:16
I totally agree. I just totally agree that is what they're struggling with, whether they stayed open or they made the decision to close.  

Lori:   14:26
They're not taking the decision lightly. I think that's what we have to remember and again going back. The only word I could come up with his grace. We just have to give one another a little bit of grace right now, because we none of us are going to do it right. We're all gonna look back and go. Maybe I should have done this right? You know, even us right. Let's move on to the next stage.  

Vonda:   14:49
So the next stages acceptance and integration. At this point, individuals have accepted the change and begin to work with the changes rather than against them. This is where we all want to emerge, you know? And I do think there are people who are at the stage already.  

Lori:   15:08
Yeah, I do. I absolutely. And here I know a lot of our members like people that have come up with the D I Y kits and marketing through the homeschool parents now going, Hey, do you need this? Here's how you grow plants or here's how you do things like that they're Forward Focused.  

Vonda:   15:23
Exactly. And you were just talking about somebody this morning who were doing virtual flower classes. Which was such a cool idea.  

Lori:   15:32
Such a great idea. You know, those wine and design classes that people host, you can do those virtually. what a great out of the box thinking. I was listening to a webinar yesterday with some social media people. Two of the people they're completely closed down. Their businesses are and two of them are delivery only. So they all had a really good perspective across the board. What they said they kind of shifted their focus on is, Okay, so I'm using social media to my greatest advantage right now. That's why I'm focusing. Because I have to stay relevant. and to stay relevant, You have to keep posting. It doesn't have to be flowers. It just has to be constant movement. So you don't lose your following.  

Vonda:   16:25
That makes total sense. Because if you're not posting something, they don't think about you, you're still create that top of mind awareness.

Lori:   16:33
Exactly. So it's the whole, you know, you accept it and then you go, OK, what are some other opportunities I can do from home? One of the challenges that they gave again I will give credit where this was a SAF free workshop that just listened in to see if there's anything I could learn. And they were saying, for those of us that haven't really become familiar with Instagram, that's a whole other talk, but now is the time get out there, start learning, no time like the present. And so there are a lot of things that a business can do to stay relevant. So when this is over, all your people still know where to find you.  

Vonda:   17:15
That's why we need to move through the anger and depression because once we get into the acceptance and integration stage, then we can start thinking positively. One of the big words that hit me in this article was hope. Just the hope that yeah, it's gonna be better. You know, we've talked about that, you know, get through where we can't control parts of this. But what we can control, we need to change. And we need to see what is going to be that new normal. The hope is that that new normal is better than you started.  

Lori:   17:53
I agree. I have loved having these little zoom meetings with our members to kind of hear what they are doing during this time. One of the things they talked about is they feel that it's gonna be a while before, like the big weddings start happening. I think people are gonna be a little gun shy coming out of this. It's far spending a lot of money. So they're coming up with creative ideas on their social media about that smaller wedding or bridal showers. You know, a bridal shower kit, baby shower kits like I love how resourceful they're being.

Vonda:   18:34
so innovative.  

Lori:   18:36
Yeah, yeah, Birthday party kits. I just saw that on. And I think that it's such a good idea.  

Vonda:   18:44
What's interesting when we look at all three of these stages and changes is that some people spend a lot of time in stages one and two, right? And they're like, Ah, you know, having a hard time where others who are more accustomed to change, or depending on what you've already experienced in your life, you really might move through those quickly and get on to stage three.  

Lori:   19:05
Yeah, yeah. Do you remember a few years back I made all of you guys do the strength finders book?  

Vonda:   19:14
Yes, I do   

Lori:   19:15
I keep thinking about it because when I took that quiz, you can sign up. You know, I love a good quiz, and one of my strengths, which I was a little surprised, was adaptable, adaptability, and I think part of that is just kind of how God made you. You know, your DNA like your personality, some of us are more adaptable than others. And so I would just challenge people If you feel like now I've become very aware I'm not adaptable. Put some things in your life and start making those little small pivots. To be able to get there. You don't have to make one giant leap, but maybe do a couple of pivots during the week and think Okay, in three weeks, I got to get there. This is what I'm gonna give myself. Somebody gave me really good advice once she's one of our members. She said, "When you're going through something, give yourself a date." You know what I'm gonna say? The best advice. It was like life changing advice for me she said,  give yourself a date, she said, and mourn the loss. Grieve frustrate, You know, depressed would do all of that stuff until that date, she said, Physically mark it on your calendar and on that date stopped looking back, you have to look forward, and I know that's not for everybody, but that's me. But that that gave me a good timeline. And it allowed me to feel all those feelings, the frustration, the depression all of those yucky things that I needed to get out. And then on that date I knew Ha, I'm done, I'm moving on and thats it.

Vonda:   21:04
 it's interesting Lorries. Something just came to my mind when you said that. And you know, I've gone through some pretty major losses in my life. After my husband passed away, that was really tough. And somebody said to me each day only, give yourself one hour to feel sorry for yourself, one hour. And then after that, you can do it again the next day you need to, but you only have one hour. Then get out of that and think of something positive. Think of what you should be doing. Think of what's next. What's the hope that brings you forward. And we can relate that really to this. If I think about it, you know, Give yourself on our to see Dang. I wish I could have done this. I wish I could have done that. I wish this wouldn't be happening. But then move on to say Okay, so what? What's next? What can I look at and move forward with?  

Lori:   21:55
I do. I love it. And here's the thing about stages of grief. We all know this, or we should know this. You may be in stage three, and then something triggers you and you're straight back to stage two or stage one. It's OK. It's in those moments that you recognize it and go hmm. Okay, I'm gonna spend an hour here because I know it's not super healthy to stay here, but I got to feel it. Then I'm gonna go back to my integrative state because I got work to do. So I like that. It's It's not denying yourself to go through that feeling, but it is It's setting maybe a timer or whatever going okay, I need to feel this way. And you know what, Vonda? Maybe those stages when you go back, maybe you need more than an hour. It's OK. Give yourself the time, but then move back.  

Vonda:   22:53
Don't stay there. So our take away today, Lori one was Your connection is everything. I think that is just really, really important.  

Lori:   23:06
It is. And I don't worry about the members that are constantly texting me or Facebook messaging me or jumping on email to talk to me. The ones I do worry about are the more the ones that aren't reaching out. I just wanted challenge every flower shop, whether you're a flower clique member or not, make yourself accountable to check in with someone every day, even if it's just your spouse or your grandma or somebody, you know, the best way to do that, I think, is to reach out to someone in your flower community in your industry's community, because we kind of have the you know, we're all kind of in the same thing. We get it. But if you can't, then reach out to sister, cousin, aunt, somebody and connect because it's so easy to start slowly, disconnecting when things like this happen and then it's just a spiral, it's just a spiral. The other thing, empathy, not sympathy. I know I shared a video. It's a Brene Brown little tutorial and it, it explains the difference between empathy and sympathy Just perfectly. We don't need people to go. Oh, I'm so sad for you. Kind of like how I was in February when I saw it on the news in other countries, like, Oh, that's too bad. But that's kind of as far as it went. Empathy is to go, This is hard. I get it. I'm right here with you. What do you want to talk about? Let's walk through this together. There's such a difference, And right now that's what we need is just to be empathetic towards one another.  

Vonda:   24:53
And don't feel like you have to fix things.

Lori:   24:56
Well, you and I both know that is our number one problem.

Vonda:   24:59
We're fixers, but in our position in flower clique, we can do things that can really help. But we can't really fix each individual situation.  

Lori:   25:09
No, but we can provide a really great sounding board. We can provide other shop owners that are going through the same thing as you are. We can provide a sense of humor because we're pretty funny sometimes too. I think it's important you have to laugh.  I can always tell if I post something funny on our members page. I know the ones that are going to comment and he and haw and laugh. And then I know the ones that are going to just roll their eyes, It's it's such a personality difference that I'm like, Oh, maybe I should do that. But you do. You gotta, we gotta laugh  

Vonda:   25:49
again, Go back to the We got a breathe. You gotta breathe and right, laugh. No matter what stage you're in, that's normal right now.  

Lori:   26:00
Yep. Yeah, it's okay. And you're not gonna be there forever thats the thing, you'll just be their for a little while. Okay. So, Vonda, we were talking last week a little bit. We wanted to do a whole podcast on amazing things that we've seen, right? Yes, that we've heard over the last three weeks like great things happening in a community. So I thought it might be fun if we talked about just a few. We've seen a lot of great things in the industry. I see things every day that bring tears to my eyes about shops that have, you know, leftover flowers. And so they're making little bouquets and leaving them at the front of a hospital or of a nursing home. You know, they're giving and giving, and I just ah, I love that. A couple of things that are happening in our community are the Painted Rocks, which I think I talked a little bit about last week in our podcast with Kate. It's still going on, and it's become hilarious because all of the Children and all of the neighborhoods are obsessed. So any time I go out and walk my dog, I see some of the most hilarious painted rocks, and it just makes me smile. And the other thing is the teddy bear hunt kindergartners around here, we're doing the going on a bear hunt book. And so they asked all of the neighborhoods to put a bear strategically in a window. And so they'll, you know, drive around in their car with their family and they'll find the bears. And you brought up something that's gonna be happening in your neighborhood that I thought was cute. The little parade.  

Vonda:   27:30
Yeah, this weekend I was so surprised we had a little note on her door that said that they're having an Easter parade that the families will be keeping their distance. But they're going to be decorating their bicycles and doing a little Easter parade. So I'm really looking forward to that. And then, of course, on Facebook, designers are offering free videos on principles and elements, design or just really inspirational thing. There is a lot of stuff going on Lori, so it's really good to be able to see positive things coming our way.  

Lori:   27:59
I've tried to keep my eyes and ears virtually open, more to what's going on.

Vonda:   28:05
 Yeah, definitely. And that's what we have to do for sure.  

Lori:   28:08
Okay, Vonda,  my one question, or take away what's giving you life right now.  

Vonda:   28:13
What was giving me life right now Lori, is the planting of flowers outside. It's spring time. I planted some flowers by my front porch.  

Lori:   28:23
That's good. Yeah, just got to get outside a little bit, breathe fresh air

Vonda:   28:27
What about you Lori?  

Lori:   28:30
Mine as you know, because your Children aren't at home, either. My oldest child he lives in Ohio, and so it's It's hard going through this, not seeing him, but he does a lot for youth ministry in his church. And so they've been doing a lot of virtual programs. And so my husband and I have had an opportunity to watch him, and it's been fun, even though every devotion he does is geared towards sixth grade through 10th. I like I like checking in on him and just really trying to minister to those middle school high school kids in this time, which is super hard. To keep them connected virtually, every once a while I'll get on Instagram and he's on there, doing a live for their youth group like, Hi, son, and he's like Hello mom. So it's those little things. Just knowing they're doing okay.

Vonda:   29:26
The check ins are so important. Not with just our shops, but with our families, too. And I have check ins all the time with my family because we have to have that.  

Lori:   29:35
Yeah. Yep. And that's where I think we can be very, very grateful for the world of the Internet and the fact that we can facetime or zoom or Google or do whatever you know to see. I just downloaded that app House party, and so that's an interesting That's a topic for another time, but it's a lot of people I'm noticing. You're getting it cause you can pop on and everybody can be on one anyway. That's all I have.  

Vonda:   30:02
All right, So let's just let everybody know that whatever your stage you're in, it's normal and we're going to get back to a new normal, and we don't know what that's gonna look like. But we can talk about that in another podcast.  

Lori:   30:15
We have certainly enjoyed our time together today, and we look forward to being with you guys again. If you have any questions, concerns, comments, anything we would love to hear from you. You can always email Lori@flowerclique.com. Also, if you enjoy our little podcast, go ahead and click that subscribe button. That's very helpful for us, and you can even leave a review, and we hope you join us next week.  

Vonda:   30:43
Yes, so please come back andjoin us and discover how a bit of knowledge and one small change in your mindset can take you to new levels in your life and business.