Are you making Unhealthy Comparisons in Your Life and Business?

Episode 038: We start life being compared to others by our parents, teachers, and coaches ~ then it shifts to us comparing ourselves to others. From our personal life to all aspects of business there are comparisons that drive us or can cause our defeat. Vonda and Lori talk about some of these dangers, and share 5 Things to remind ourselves when we start comparing ourselves to others.

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:03

[inaudible]

Speaker 2 0:04

We need to be aware that we're making those comparisons and how they can impact decisions we're making in business and in our personal life . Good morning, Fonda trying not to laugh. What is so funny this morning, Laurie ? Good morning. Nothing's funny. You know, it's a complaint I have in my head. I tell you, I start laughing thinking about what you're going to think. So, you know, working from home, which is wonderful. We've always worked from home, but my husband is working from home too. So he's in the front of the house. I'm in the back and I make smoothies for myself. Usually around nine ish. He gets up super early and has breakfast, but things are starting to get on my nerves. So I'll make a smoothie. He'll come out and I'll say, I'd like one too . And like how much you already had breakfast? He's like, yes, but that's a smoothie. I'm like, it's breakfast. And he's like, no, it's a drink. So we have this debate, if you will. And I'm like, is it always going to be this way? Lord is this one , the rest of my life. I'm going to say, you just need to make two and just be done with it. Right. It just easier because then you don't have that conflict and we're not talking conflict today. Our day to talk about comparison , conflict thing, you just might want to consider just making two . And then when it comes out, you're say , here we go. Okay. You know what? That's good advice. Because as you know, we're going to talk about comparison versus conflict, but there was too much. So they have to be separate podcasts. So exactly the podcast on conflict, I can come back and say, I took your advice. And I just started making a double batch. Even though that means he has two breakfast in his mind , it's just a drink. There we go. The funny part is he doesn't know it's a conflict. It's only a conflict for me. That again is the other podcast about internal and external pump . But Lori , today, it's going to be all about comparisons and we're compared from the time we're born, right? Parents we're comparing, Ooh, you have a beautiful child. Ooh, that one's not so cute. We compare ourselves when we're young on the playgrounds and you know , all the way through life. I can remember people asking me when my first child was born. What was his app? Gar score. And I'm like, his is what, what was that? They wanted to know all these things. And I look back now and I'm like, wow. Cause they were saying , Oh yeah , it's my first one . It was a nine. It never in you. And I thought it's important because it flows over because we're born into an environment that's constantly comparing over into our adulthood. How we feel about our careers. Do you own a business? How you manage employees, how you parent it comes full circle. Right? Right. We need to be aware that we're making those comparisons and how they can impact decisions we're making in business and in our personal life. Because sometimes we have to step back and go, Whoa , wait a minute. What am I doing here? This is not helping me. It's actually being detrimental to my business, my personal life, whatever the case is, there is a difference in knowing your competition, understanding, all right , here's my competition. And kind of knowing where you sit within the competition and then assessing on your competition. I think of again, parenting my three kids, all played sports, our middle child, our daughter, she was really good little athlete. And the thing that my husband would always say, what made her a little different than my boys, which maybe it's because she was a girl. She was always aware of where she stood on that team. Like if she should be in the starting five of the basketball game, or if she's going to probably be junior varsity, like she was really good at seeing where she was. And then she knew it was up to her to do I want to get better or worse. My boys were not as aware of it . So your middle child had a really great self-awareness in comparison to others so that she was using that in a really healthy way . The way he knew, okay. I want to elevate my skills, my game. Right. Cause I want to be on this team where the boys just were not as self-aware, but then I knew they would focus on this really good kid on a team. And that was their competition. And they just would make excuses for him like, Oh, well he was just born. Good. You know what I mean? Things like that. So it was an unhealthy obsession or a negative. Yeah. Well, and there's so many comparisons going on now, as far as personal, I think today we're going to cover personal and then business as a manager and then managing employees. So we have all things to cover today. So I think the first one you talked about is really personal comparisons and how, when we look on social media, yes . He really kind of go, wow, are they really there ? You know? Oh my gosh, I'm lucky. Are they? Yes. Yes. I have read so many articles and talked to so many people about this. As a matter of fact, talk to one of our shops who has taken a reprieve from social media because of just that a lot of people are doing it for their own mental health, right. Because they have to regroup. I don't post that much on social media, but when I do, I'm not gonna post the bad stuff happening in my life. You're only posting look, I'm on a mountain or look , I'm in Hawaii. I mean, I'm only posting the good things that happen most of the time. However, when I look at other people and see all of the things they're posting, it's hard for me to remember. They're only posting the good stuff. Everybody has bad stuff happening in their life, right. This is the danger of comparison, right. Is that we think, how do they have time to get away and go to Ken Kuhn or wherever? And here I am, I'm working like crazy. And I never get that opportunity. And that's an unhealthy comparison. Yeah . Right. Lori . Right, right. Defining self worth in comparison to somebody else's, it's dangerous in our personal life. It's dangerous as a business owner. Okay . So we're going to talk about, for dangers to look out for in comparison , we can go through these four from a personal standpoint, and then what's interesting bonding . You can go back in and plug in. All right. Now, let me go through these four dangers as a business owner. Let me go through these four as a manager. So first we're going to talk about personal number one. It discourages individuality, right? For sure. Yeah . Every one of us grow at a different time. We learn at a different time. Again, have a child. The best reader of the three was in special tutoring for reading. He just decided later in life to read that's okay. Right. The second one, it breeds and healthy competition. Interesting. Because it can go both ways, right. It can increase the productivity and motivate us to do better or it can discourage us and make us like, forget it. There's no way. Right? Yeah . Because if you're focused on your competition, let's say you're really good at shooting the ball, but not good at dribbling the ball or you're good at offense, but not get a defense, but you're , for some reason, feel super competitive against one of your people that is on the opposite. Why would you be doing something opposite of what you're good at? You're getting off your track because you're trying to jump over on somebody. Else's, we're comparing ourselves to others in an area that we're not really good at. We don't shine at this area, but we think, Oh, maybe we need to be doing better at this area because they're better at this area. And I want to be competitive in that. Yes. Well you're saying the forwards on the basketball team gets so much more play time . Yeah . I wouldn't be the star . Right? When the forwards can't do their job, unless they have good guards. Cause you always want the more glamorous position. But the thing is there can only be one person in that glamorous position. Only one, right? He needs a whole team, which by the way, thank you, Jesus. That football season is back on TV. I know there's no audience, but I'm so happy. That's all I'm going to say. Very good. I'm happy for you. I I'm very happy that it started. The third one is it prevents us from collaboration with others. Right? If I'm obsessed with my competition, I'm not going to go to them, try to brainstorm, to help grow my business or fill in the blank. Right. And I think that last one, it really damages your self esteem. If you're constantly trying to imitate somebody else or to be like them, you can't be an individual you're unhealthy in your competition. It prevents us from collaborating with others and it makes me feel bad. It just makes me feel, am I a loser? Why can't I right ? Or it does the opposite. It makes sense . You feel like you're better than them. Ooh. Yeah. Sometimes we choose to compare ourselves with people that we know. So aren't at a different level of cause makes us feel superior. So either way is unhealthy, but I want to go back through these and I want to plug in like businesses owner, how you manage your employees, run your business. Cause I think that's what will hit home to a lot of people. Well, let me share a story because I think this will kind of set all of these in line. When I was a unit president for Teleflora just many years ago, there was a man, his name was Neil Caggiano. Many of our listeners will know Neil . Others will have not a clue who he is, but if you know Carol Caggiano, it was her husband and Neil was our liaison for Teleflora between the unit presidents and education specialist and headquarters. And so he was kind of like your go to guy, just a great listener and just an overall wonderful guy. I was a unit president and I had very little self-esteem at that point. I totally understand when people are coming in as a UPP , because you are overwhelmed. You have these people from all of the United States and then you have the education specialist and these people that you read about in magazines. And you're just like, Oh my gosh, Neil was just very kind brew that. And then I became a regional unit director, which meant I'm talking to the unit presidents . And I just remember sitting down many times through those years with Neil and just saying meals . Sometimes I just don't know where I fit in. Oh , I just don't know here. We have these education specialists who they're amazing. And I don't feel like I'm that strong of a designer in comparison to them. And I really didn't know where my niche was. Now . You kinda like went , where am I going with this? What am I going? And I remember him sitting down and just saying, you just need to be yourself. You don't need to look around and compare to anyone around you Fonda , because that just makes you feel insecure. Right ? Feel like you're not the person you really are because you're trying to be somebody else. Right . Neil then would send things. This is instructions for life. And it just said , I just found this the other day, thought you might enjoy it. Oh. So it's just little things like that. But again, he really stressed being an individual, not comparing yourself to others because that's not going to help you be who you really are and make yourself better. I do really believe that it's so true that once we really appreciate the individual we are, and we can see the good in other people and say, all right , I would like to be a little bit more like this and accelerate myself to another level in this or this or that. That's my story. And any , just think it speaks to comparing ourselves to others and how we have to be really careful on how we sure. Because look at you now and you would never want a brand new education specialist coming in and feeling like, Oh my gosh, I need to be more like Fonda, right? No ed never. Please. Don't there's enough of me in the world to just be individuals and look at our areas that we want to improve on. Put on your business owner hat. Yep . I know you own flower click now, but I want you to also put on your, when you owned your flower shop, because you were having to manage day to day employees, some part time and full time and you are in there. Here's the dangers of comparing your employees again, just like hearing your kids one to another. You think you're helping, but you're actually hurting right. Then discourages individuality among your employees, which is quite dangerous for your business because you need everybody to be different. You don't need everyone to be an amazing event designer. You need people that are really good at answering the phone. People that are really good claiming the buckets. And when you are constantly pointing out one particular employee as an example, and not also seeing the good in the others, that sets up a couple of things. I'm the one that makes everyone go well, in order to be liked, I gotta be more like this person. So they're going to stop what they're doing well and start trying to do something they're never going to probably do well, cause it's not their gift. Right? Right. The other thing that's going to set up is conflict and unhealthy competition among them. I have a story about this. It was years ago. It was actually in college many, many, many years ago when I was part time job in college. And I loved my part time job. I worked at a store on campus corner. I went to OU Oklahoma university, boom, sooner at all. Oh, you paraphernalia, sorority fraternity, all of that kind of stuff. A lot of fun people work there. I loved my job, my manager, who was a sweet man, much older man, like the grandfather type. I would always win the sales contest because someone would come in the door and I'm like, hi, how can I, you know, just cause I'm caffeinated. And even when I wasn't caffeinated, I acted like I was. So I loved my job, but not everybody on these part-time college kids was as excited as I was to be there. So he thought it was good to point out. Well, Lori always wins the sales thing and Oh look, she wanted a new pair of shoes already. And she just ended up well, as you can imagine that wasn't right. Not only that it embarrassed me, everyone started being mean to me and making comments by the record . And it was horrible. I can remember going home and not wanting to go to work because I'm thinking my choices are I go to work and I don't be myself or I be myself and they don't like me. So you haven't super careful. He didn't set out to do that. You know, he needed to also say, but Brian's doing a great job back here making t-shirts let's give brand , you know, but he didn't do that. Yeah. That makes it really tough because that also went into number three, which was preventing the collaboration because they didn't want to talk to you. And it wasn't good for your self esteem. He thought he was helping you. And it just likes did. It made me feel really, really bad about myself. It damaged my self esteem. Then I started trying to join in with them. And so I would talk about the manager. I would not be as nice to customers. It was actually uncomfortable for me. I remember feeling very uncomfortable. It was more important for me to get along with my peers than this old man. Right. Oh for sure. You know that had no importance to you at all? No, no. I learned from it and I grew from it. And I know when I talked to flower shop owners, now some of them have a favorite employee. I'm like, that is fine. As long as everybody else doesn't know. When I was working in the flower shop for years, there was always a favorite. I mean, even the designers say, well, Brian, you're the favorite this week? Aren't you? Or, Oh Joe, you're the favorite this way , because it would change. Okay . It was a tough one though, because the one person could do nothing wrong. The others were not doing anything. Right? Uh , well, my thing is it's okay . If every week you've changed, if only if just went back and forth and there's Sally over here that never gets a week , unless you're going to let Sally go. Sally's the favorite this week because she took the trash out really well. We are so proud of Sam . I know. Or you know , like Renee , she was the one jumping in the dumpster. She did really well. And that's what I would have to say. When I own my own business, I was very careful to be able to point out, Amy does a fabulous job on the wedding. She's just doing a great job on that. Diane, you do everyday work better than anybody else. Right? I had a Renee who her sympathy work was knock out gorgeous. So it was trying to find the good in each one of those employees to make them feel like there's not competition within what they're doing as an owner or manager. It's difficult to do because there's always one that just like, honestly probably drives you crazy. Yeah. You have to find the good in them when they're in front of other employees so that they don't feel like, Oh, she doesn't like me. You know , he doesn't like me. I think you do a wonderful job of that when I'm the annoying employee, Sorry .

Speaker 1 18:37

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Speaker 2 18:38

When I was at the flower shop, I was really careful. But you know, when you got a rock star group, what can I say? And it's not easy. That's what you're saying. Shops owners. And they're like , yeah , okay. I get that. But I don't have time for that. I don't have time to tip toe around and do these kinds of things. I get that. But if you want a healthy environment, you want to keep everyone motivated. You need to put the time in your home . I can remember I was in a seminar once it was an inservice day and somebody said, and it was talking about dealing with annoying children, right. Students. And if you look hard enough, you will find something good, a good trait about that person or that child or that employee. Right? So maybe you got to look really hard to find it, but you will find it. There's a reason you hired them . And that's what you have to go back to go back. Right . And if you can't find it, then chances are, they don't need to be there. And I just even want to say, even the bucket washer, you have somebody come in at your school and they were watching buckets. They don't like that job. Everybody else is thrilled that they're doing it. But even if you say, do you know, Joe, that you wash in those buckets make our flowers last so much longer. Yep . That's it. That's all you need to say. You know , it's little things that you're just pointing out to make that person feel like their self esteem is elevated because of what you've said to them. I agree. I absolutely agree. Okay. So we're going to end on an encouraging note. Let's go . These are five little sayings that you should remember when you feel your mind going down that road of comparison, whether it's personal or you're starting to look at your employment , whatever it is. I know no one's going to like have a piece of paper right now as they're doing this. So I'm going to have Ellie, our graphic designer, who is very gifted in what she does. I'm going to have her make this a little graphic and I'll post it in our podcast group . Okay . That sounds like a plan of things. To remember when we start comparing to others, number one, be where you are not where you think you should be. Mm you , where you are, stay in your lane in your lane. Don't start varying off. You know, you're an every day brick and mortar flower shop, but you see this event designer, who's knocking it out of the park . All these weddings stay in your lane. It's a great to appreciate what that other person's doing. Learn what you can. But remember what you're doing is completely different. [inaudible] number

Speaker 3 21:19

Two , I think is my favorite. Someone said, tell yourself,

Speaker 2 21:22

I am cut from a different cloth and they don't make that fabric anymore. Woo . There you go. I like it. Like we are all different. There can not be another Vonda. Love fever. There cannot be another Lori Wilson . It might be similar, but it's never going to be the same. Right. God made me this way. And he made you that way. There's no change in it. You know, there's only one of each one of us, for sure. Exactly. I kind of liked number three. I'm not running behind. I'm just on a different track. Yes. Sometimes we think, Oh my gosh, I can't keep up with that person. Or I want to be like that. Perfect . No, again, it almost is the stay in your own lane, but stay on your own track and your own speed. We all learn at a different pace going back to learning, to read or, you know , whatever everybody's different. But the beautiful thing is by the time we're all in her forties, we're pretty leveled out in some way. So who really cares if you didn't learn to read until you were six, or if you learned to read at age four, I don't know why it mattered. Everybody has heard this one. That's a quote from Theodore Roosevelt. Comparison is the thief of joy. I believe that with my whole heart, it robs us of joy. And when we're comparing, we also tend to start thinking, Oh, if I only had this, if I only had this, well, that would make me more happy. Right? Right. We get so obsessed with comparison thinking is going , gonna make us happy. We forget to be joyful and just being content with what I have that written down next to my computer to remind me contentment, Hey, that's a good thing. That's a good day. If we've gone the whole day and felt, you know what? I am really content. I don't have to be happy. Every moment contentment gets a bad rap. Like we should be okay with being content. The last one is we need to move from competition to cooperation. Just move that competition to be cooperative and to cooperate with others. And then we feel contentment. Like you're saying, moves us to that. That reminds me again, going back to Renee to G's interview a couple of weeks ago that we had one of her goals to bring to this industry is competition is fine, but it doesn't mean we can't collaborate with one another and cooperate. Alright , Vonda. Well, I think we've said all that we can say, because we're not going to compare ourselves to anybody else. At this point, we are not, you know what, here's the thing. I just don't have the energy. If you don't have the energy, the energy to compare myself, I will just say, okay, you win. You're better. And I think the majority of us do you have a healthy balance that sometimes it can get a little skewed when we're not taking good care of ourselves mentally, it's a mental game for sure. It's a mental game. Well, Hey, what is giving you life right now? Vonda what's giving me life or you probably already know because my grandson and granddaughter, Tatum and Faron are here this week with my son. Yes, Tyler and Kate. And they're giving me life that little energy all over, bouncing around. They're just precious. And so that's what gives me life right now. It is amazing to be able to watch kids. They can literally jump in a pool and get out, jump in a pool, get up, jump in a pool like 25 times. I'm like, how is that fun? It's exhausting watching them, right? Yeah . You're exactly right. You got that down. Perfect glory that is giving you life today. What is giving me? Life is my new Netflix obsession at night. It is a series called home, edit these two women that have this company. I think the rates out of Nashville where they will go and organize your closet or your pantry or your garage. And they have series. Each series is a half hour. You know, my attention never watched anything. That's a full hour. But first part is they do someone famous. Like they did Reese Witherspoon. They did like a country music singer. The second part is they'll redo something in like us normal people's houses. It's really interesting. They have a whole line of products at the container store. I watched that and I keep thinking I'm going to do it, but I don't. But I do watch the show. Well, I know why you're obsessed with that. Why are you trying to get Ellie to come read ? I feel like she would do a better job than they went for my stuff. Cause she knows my stuff and there's deficits . And anyway, it's fun to watch. That's what's giving you life. It's what's keeping me going right now, but I am comparing myself to a lot of the people . Let it go. Let it go. We have certainly enjoyed our time together today. And we look forward to being with you guys again. If you have any questions, concerns, comments, anything we would love to hear from you. You can always email Laurie at flower, click.com. Also, if you enjoy our little podcast, go ahead and click that subscribe button. That's very helpful for us and you can even leave a review and we hope you join us next week. Yes. So please come back and join us and discover how a bit of knowledge and one small change in your mindset can take you to new levels in your life.

Speaker 1 28:08

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