4. Addiction, Art, and Committing to Admitting with Carmen Darley

SENSITIVITY WARNING
* Please note that this episode contains discussion of mental health, depression, self harm, disordered eating, alcoholism, and suicide

THE INTERVIEW
In this episode Dominique sits down with the amazing Carmen Darley of @carlipaintings, to discuss how she moved from corporate life (depression/alcoholism), to hitting rock bottom, to following her heart and using art as a means for recovery, income, and giving back to the community.

- Carmen discusses how deeply she believes in the need to "commit to admit" in order to facilitate positive change.
- What it felt like to life a dual life in a successful corporate role & be an alcoholic
- Find links to her workshops at @carlipaintings

RESOURCES
- For all of Carmens resin/workshops @carlipaintings
- Carmens personal page @thatshatterprooflifestyle
- Follow the podcast @embodiedalchemy.pod
- Follow Dom @domchesh

SPONSORS
Pure Balanxed; ALCHEMY20 for 20% off at purebalanxed.com
Foli; FOLIPOD for 20% off shopfoli.ca
CarliPaintings; ALCHEMY15 for 15% off services, products, experiences under $100 SHOP HERE

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the embodied alchemy podcast. I'm your host Dominique Cheshire.

Speaker 2: 0:08

Embodied alchemy started as a way to describe finding empowerment and has quickly grown into so much more. Embodied alchemy is about feeling the tough stuff and working through it. It's about sharing our stories, speaking our truths, and hoping that there's someone out there who feels it too. We are here together to celebrate our ups and our downs because the tough stuff is where the magic happens. I am so excited to be here with you today. Are you ready? Let's go. I have someone so incredible for you today. Her name is Carmen Darley, which you may have been starting to hear by now because has

Speaker 1: 0:46

her business. Carly paintings is one of our amazing sponsors. I am just blown away by the vulnerability that Carmen shares with us, so I don't want to keep you too long. Before we dive in, I do, however, want to give you just a little bit of a loving notice. We touch upon Carmen's journey, which involves discussing alcoholism and addiction as well as mental health and suicide. So if you're feeling like you're not in a super comfortable space to listen to that today, that's okay. But I just wanted to let you know that that's what we're diving into. She is okay. She has a family now. Um, and this sort of weaving of her journey has really set her on the path of something amazing and beautiful. So without further ado, Carmen Darley, I am so grateful to be supported by Carmen Darley of Carly D paintings. She is a resin based artist and Toronto entrepreneur who is excited to offer podcasts listeners an exclusive discount on all products, services and experiences. Go to Carly paintings.com to see all the gorgeousness and use code alchemy 15 for 15% off anything under$100. Make sure to tune into episode four of the pod where Carmen shares the journey behind her amazing art. We are supported by fully shipping houseplants in cool pots to doorsteps across Ontario students to be nationwide fully makes welcoming plants into your home or office, easy and convenient. Choose your plant and pot of choice. And within two to three days, your fully will arrive to your doorstep. Plus 95% of all packaging is recyclable. That is important. Fully provides happy, healthy Hardy plants that are easy to care for. Many are locally grown in Ontario. Use code fully pod for 20% off your purchase at shop fully. Dot CA and join the plant obsession. I know I have. Pure balanced is an empowering apparel brand out of Toronto creating luxurious everyday pieces. All their clothing include a sewn and empowering statement. Simply flip the X to read the affirmation. They're a brand committed to community with 5% sales donated, going to netic and 5% of sales going to friends first. You can check everything out about them on Instagram at pure balanced as well as their blog and online store, which is pure balanced.com. We want you to be able to experience their incredible stuff yourself. So for our listeners, use code alchemy 20 for 20% off your purchase and be sure to listen to founder Ali's story on episode two of this season.

Speaker 2: 3:25

Do you want to like just take a moment together and just take a nice big deep breath in. Deep breath out. Yes. I love it. Okay, let's do it. So I'm going to close my eyes. You can close your eyes if you want to. I won't know and let's just take a second to be like, wow, you totally made it. We are here, we are talking and if you want to place a hand on your heart, you can just start to feel whatever surface it is you're sitting on. If your feet are touching the ground, where are your feet touching? If your tailbone, if your pelvis is sitting on something, can we imagine that that's getting really nice and heavy emerge as dropping in with our breath to the center of our bodies, knowing that all of the chaos will still be there. But right now it's about you and your story.

Speaker 3: 4:29

[inaudible]

Speaker 2: 4:29

let's take a nice big breath in together and exhale it out. When you're ready, you can open your eyes.

Speaker 3: 4:38

I love hello

Speaker 2: 4:45

like after I do those that it's almost like I'm coming back and like restarting a little bit. Thank you for taking time to, to sit with me, to be Skyping with me. I, from the moment I met, you have been so excited about getting to know you better, more personally as a friend, the amazing work you do as a business woman and also your incredible story independently. So for anyone who is not super aware who I'm talking to you, I have the absolute pleasure of being with Carmen Darley today. We met, we've met a few times, but the first time we met was in October at a Toronto business babes, which is a collective we're both a part of. They were holding a retreat in Prince Edward County and we were both there. And at the beginning of the retreat, everyone started goes around and talks about what they do. And Carmen started talking about her work in painting and with all of the really cool stuff that she does in the art world. And I was like, Ooh, I'm like curious. I want to learn more with resident. What even is that? And I was sneaky like on Instagram as you were introducing yourself. And I was like, Holy crap, this beautiful. So we initiated. So we initially connected there and it was at that point you shared a little bit about what your journey has been and and how you got where you are and then be connected again at another business, a babes event in the city where you were actually on a panel, which was even more enlightening as to just how intense your journey has been and how intense your journey is now. Because you have been a busy lady with all of the amazing markets. Anytime you're in the city and you see a popup market, Marquette, um, that is, is hosting Carly paintings. Please go cause it's probably the only one worth going to. And now we're sitting down to chat about just how she got here. So welcome Herman.

Speaker 4: 6:35

Thank you so much for having me dog. It's like such an honor and all of the stuff that you said about, you know, being able to connect and meeting you. I knew there was something really special about you as well. Um, the minute we started talking, I'm like, Oh my God, this girl is not only super cute, but she's like so sweet and you know, some people that you meet, you just, you just feel it. You feel that they're like pure at heart and like they were just a pure person. So I was like, when you asked me about a podcast, I'm like, hell yeah, like down for it. So I'm very excited myself, um, to be here and like it to open up this new decade with you and some of the amazing people that we both met, um, from that retreat is pretty amazing I think. Like, can you believe like we're just like starting a whole new decade, like no more twos and ones, but now it's like twos and twos, right? Like 20, 20, 20, 21, you know, like, I think that's pretty cool. But anyways, um, that's a kind of start off. Um, thanks for having me. I'm so grateful. And the little like breathing exercise that we did earlier was amazing. I love doing all that. Sometimes we forget about those things when we're like on our day to day, like we wake up and then we go, go, go, go, go. Right? Like I literally forget to breathe sometimes. And that is a big part of, you know, what I want to focus on in 2020 is like being present. Um, and so this podcast I hope can reach, you know, your audience and my audience and anyone that wants to hear more about living in the present and, and like being mindful and just like enjoying the moment and like self care and mental health being one of the biggest ones that I want to really focus on this year. And, um, you know, sh sharing time and having time for people and like people you love and like, um, because I feel like in 2019 I absolutely did not do that. I was either burnt out, sick or burnt out, busy or just like busy but not complete, you know. So I'll talk a little bit about that. Um, but being here is definitely, um, an honor and also an accomplishment for myself because I feel like by being, um, open and sharing my story and you know, I'll go all into it. But by being open and sharing my story, I kind of was able to, you know, connect with people like yourself and many more just like people that struggle probably with the same things, right. Are so afraid to speak up and talk about it because either it was, you know, it's too shameful or it's not part of the culture or um, you know, it might ruin reputations and people like people worry about the perception that others will have on you and stuff. Um, so I really want to focus on talking about that. Um, uh, but before that I will start a little bit on how this all came about and I'll keep a short, cause I tend to like,

Speaker 2: 9:59

Oh, don't keep it short. So for anyone who is familiar with your work under Carly paintings, I think this is a nice time to just really quickly, and I think you've done a very beautiful job of sort of separating two things that are of each other. So Carly paintings is your brand for all of the art that you do in the work you do through art, but you have another account called that shatterproof lifestyle. And so I think as we get into your story and please spare no detail. People can fast forward if they want to, but they won't want to because your story is so engaging and you're right. I think that for a lot of people it's something that maybe they haven't found a voice or or that comfort level yet within themselves to discuss. And so to hear your, your whole story is just an honor for me to, so that shatterproof lifestyle is your platform where we, where we get to learn more about how you kind of came to be in this, in this portion of your life. And so few wed if you want to dive in, I'm comfortable and ready.

Speaker 4: 11:02

All right. So how, how did this all start? So actually back, so the business started in 2016 and it started off with my big idea of, you know, sharing, um, having these free workshops for anyone who is suffering from addiction. And I'll get, like, I'll get into why I started that, but I think this is kind of like the preamps to why Carly painting started. Um, and formerly Carly paintings now, Carly D paintings and creations. Um, and there's a story behind that. There's always a story behind it. Um, anyhow, uh, so 2016 was when the business started. My first market was Kensington market art fair. Um, I'm pedestrian Sunday in August. And there, uh, I started selling my artwork, abstract paintings with motivational and inspirational quotes. So if you go to my Instagram, um, you'll be able to see some of the older posts that have, you know, these cute little drawings and abstract paintings, but everything has like a purpose. And one of them that's like really popular is called a male. Your troubles be bubbles. And so with this little girl blowing bubbles and the bubbles turn out to be like this abstract, beautiful, colorful painting and there's a quote that says, may all your troubles be bubbles. And that's kind of to to like remind you that no matter how bad the day is, like it can be better and just like kind of blow your bubbles, blow your troubles in like a way. Right? Um, so that's kind of how my first art pieces started. The business started with going back to that big bright, bold idea where I was like, okay, let's have these free workshops and anyone who are suffering from, you know, their day to day stressors, things that make them unhappy, they can drop in and take this workshop and do paintings with me at that time. Paint night was like super huge. So I was like, instead of having like something that people have to paint, um, which can be stressful. Actually, I've been to a few of those and a lot of my friends are like, Oh my God, I'm so stressed though. Been paid what was given to them. And I was like, honestly, you could paint whatever you want. You don't have to paint what they are giving you. It's just like the whole point of this is to like extend your creativity and be around people you love and have fun and have a few drinks and just do whatever. Right. Anyways, at that time, you know, I didn't really know anything about running a business. I didn't really know how it workshop would work. I didn't actually know anything, but I had this idea and then I talked to my husband then fiance about, and he's like, honestly I think it's an amazing idea, but sorry to like burst your bubbles, you know, to kind of give you like a reality check. He's kinda like, just like, how would all of this work out? Like how would this, um, come about? Like where would you start? Do people know you who, what are the types of people that like, you want to come to your workshop? And I'm like, I know already I want addicts. He's like, yeah, but you know you have to, you know yourself that you won't just pop in in a workshop and start painting for like for someone that you don't know. And I was like, okay, you know what, you're right. And so that's why I was like, I need to start somewhere. I need to build a brand, I need to know what I'm doing, I need to know my goals and my audience and like really make this an impactful and why I wanted to do all this. And why this big bold idea came about was because I am a recovered, I was a recovering alcoholic at that time and I still, I feel like as an addict you're never out of it. Like I know what's so crazy or you can take it negatively to say, but the reality is once an addict, you always have it as a part of you. You just learn every single day to be a little bit stronger and you learn, you know how to cope with it. So like it's always an inside me to, you know, reach for the substance, reach for a drink. Like, those are, those are my fast go to solutions, but now it's like, okay, well how can I, you know, think of ways to think outside of drinking or like, um, I think of ways to not continue the urge to want to smoke or like smoke weed or something like that. Right. So, um, but anyways, like I've been a, uh, an alcoholic, like now I can say it, but even every time I, even though I say it now, but every time I do say it, it's like I still get this like, heart burning sensation. Like, like, yeah, I was, um, anyways, uh, so it's all started back when I was a teen. Drinking was kind of like fun and games, right? You know, when you go to house parties and whatever, have fun with your friends, and then it turned into something that can easily cover my insecurities. So like, I would drink and I would feel so good. Like all of a sudden I'm not insecurity anymore. All of a sudden I don't care what I did, right? Like I don't give a shit and I'm not that person. Like, I'm a responsible person. Like I'm a very caring, loving person. But then every time I drank I'm like, well, you know, whatever, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what my parents' standards were. They wanted me to be, you know, first-generation doctors, lawyers and something professional. But it doesn't always work out that way. So I hid my emotions a lot and drinking allowed for me to like kind of subdue that. Right when you drink you kind of like go into your own world and like you don't really feel anything. And so that kind of like led to more drinking and the more you drink, the more depressed you get, the more depressed you get, the more you drink, the more you do that, the more anxiety you have because you start doing things irrationally. And so, you know, I went through my fair share of not very proud things that I've done. Um, being with different guys. There are like broken relationships and like just doing things that are not something that I would do when I, if I had a clear mind. And then what hit me the most was when I got my first DUI in 2007 and I felt like I hit rock bottom at that time because you know, all my, you get stripped of your privileges, which is like driving and like being able to go places and travel around and drive to different, you know, provinces and just like live your daily life. And I realized that, you know, like all these things that I've been given, um, is such a privilege, you know, and, and just one day of, of like a a mistake, it could be all gone. And that goes with a lot of things, right? Like that's why we have to very careful and, but that's actually not as bad because I did get sober after like for a month after that time and I was like, Oh my God, like this is good. Like I got this and then guess what? I went back to drinking and smoking and like doing drugs. And, um, but I think what really hit me the most was like all the broken relationships that I had between 2007 and 2010 because I was like, I don't care. Like if things could be stripped away, I just started blaming everybody and like, um, you know, this is what happened to me because of society and like it was not me, but at that point I was drinking so much that it became, and I think like a lot of addicts can attest to that, who are recovering or are listening to the story and probably going through that where they're like, you know what? Like I do blame people but I don't want to, but I can't help it. Right. And it's, it's just part of it. Um, and then 2010 after everything, after all my like re like intervention for myself and thinking I'm so like, great, um, I had a second DUI, so that was no longer a slap on the risk. That was literally like down, look down the hole. Like, you know, that's when I hit rock bottom. I lost all my friends because I was so ashamed of myself. I decided to cut myself out of everything. All I did was go to work and drink. That was the two things I have ever done and I have now

Speaker 2: 20:23

when we talk about the work that you're doing professionally and in business, it's all creative work, but at the time are you working creatively with paint or are you doing something else?

Speaker 4: 20:33

So at that time I was working full time, so my background has always been in um, corporate financial. So I've worked at, um, financial institutions. Before that I was like manager for like Spence diamonds and just like pretty reputable companies that I've worked for. Um, you know, my roles held really, like I was held accountable and I had a lot of responsibilities. So at work it was like this one side of me. And then outside of work it was another side. So I felt like I was living and then to my parents it was another right. And to my friends, it was another, it's like I'm true, I'm like me, but wearing these different hats. And I think we all do that. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's just you have to be so careful when substance is involved because all those things get heightened in a way that can be uncontrollable. Right? So I think we all wear different hats no matter what we do in life. And like when you're a manager at somewhere and then you hang out with your friends, I'm sure it's going to be different because you have a certain perception and like a certain portrayal that you need to, to put out there. Right? So I think that's fine. I think it's just more because of the alcohol. It just like hind everything. And I've always been a very creative person. So, um, I've won like calligraphy awards in Chinese school, um, piano, like, you know, on the creative and it could be like creative arts or music. I've always been in band. Um, I've always illustrated, so I've always drew like drew things and like I love arts, but it was one of those things where, you know, in a Chinese culture it was something that's not like, it's almost like frowned upon right back then being first-generation, being Chinese. It was more like, well, you can be an artist and starve, um, or you can find a decent job if you're not going to be a professional, like a doctor and lawyer or accounting, you can find a decent job and earn a decent living and just, you know, kind of be normal. Um, so I never pursued arts, so I actually went to my high school career was all math and science and then I went to university for psychology, um, bachelor's of science. And then, um, after that I started working. And so I've always been creative but never been allowed almost to go that extent of what, where I am now, where I'm like creating every day. Do you feel like not having that outlet maybe influenced using substance? Yeah, I think so. I think like if I had focused a little bit of um, more on piano, right, like kind of not steered away from that or like on the music side of arts or um, continued a little bit on, you know, painting and maybe even went to school for the arts. I think it allowed for me to express some of the emotions that I, that I bottled up cause like at near the end of the alcohol, like alcoholic phase, I started balling up even more emotions where then it starts to many fuss in a bad way in your mind. And then that's when inside he comes in. And so now one of the ways that I cope is I literally like will start painting. I don't think about anything. I don't like the minute I want to drink, I just grab my paint bucket, grab any brush I can find and I'll like find a canvas, which now I, it's like I have an abundance amount of canvases back then it's like, Oh my God, now I have to go to Michael's and buy some on campus and got to figure it out how I'm going to pay for this. Right. But now I have a lot where I can just reach out to and that's kinda like my coping mechanism now. So I think creativity has saved my life a lot. And I know it sounds really cheesy, but my husband did too. He, um, you know, after I, after 2010 going back to that when I had my second DUI and I just fell flat completely, you know, now at this point, lawyers were involved. Um, massive fines were involved. All my savings were gone. I was living at home. Like I had no money. I had no job. I mean, I had a job. Um, but I was very scared to lose the job. Um, because of everything. Um, all I did was go to work and be drunk because I couldn't handle what I've done. And so if I had started, I think being able to cope a little bit more and have an outlet and that goes with like going to the gym. It doesn't have to be painting, right? Like it can be going to drip gym or like doing other things that you truly love that's not gonna consume you. Like don't binge eat and do you know as a coping mechanism, which I did and like I had an eating disorder when I was much younger where I would eat a bunch and then throw up and be super skinny and it's just like, I think it's just a predisposed thing that I have where maybe I lack confidence at the time and like I didn't know how to manage it. Um, but yeah, creativity and knowing what you love to do the most and just go for it is, is a big, big thing to like kind of steer yourself away from these like traumatic experiences. And, sorry, so I

Speaker 2: 26:43

was going to say, so you are able to get there now and so we have our second, your second DUI. You were talking about how it totally kind of consumed your life. And so is it at that point that you were like, okay, for real this time or, um, where did it go from there? W a actually she went

Speaker 4: 27:02

even more downhill from me at that point. I was like, you know what, this is, this is, this is my fault. Um, I, you know, this is my second DUI. Like I took accountability, but I still wasn't able to truly believe in that. And so I always say, you know, you have to commit to admit you have to commit to it fully. And like, those are some of the key takeaways that I, I wanna you know, um, kind of repeat later on when we like are near the tail end of the podcast is committing to emitting like sincerely emitting to your faults and not just saying like, yeah, well this happened to me. So, yeah, sure. I'm sorry. But at the end of it, I still feel like, um, you know, there were other people to blame. Like, why, why was it that, you know, other people would drink and drive, why didn't they get caught? Like, how come I got caught? Like I only did it a couple times. Um, which I knew was not the right thing to do, but like again, when you're not thinking clearly, you don't, you can't put two and two together. Um, and then it went even further downhill because of all the broken relationships I had. Nobody left. Um, because I decided to cut my friends out, I felt like they weren't there for me, which they were, it's just like, to me it's like, well, you should be like, lending me money and like, you know, helping me do these things. And like, no, that's not how it works. Like that's not how life works. But at that time I didn't think that either. Um, so broken relationships, no accountability, no money, because I've spent it all on lawyers. I spent it all on my fines, like car repairs, everything, and all I had was like, my job. And more alcohol because that was the most assessable thing that I can get. Right. They'll still be able to just around the corner and my family. So at that time, my parents knew, um, but they're like, you know what, you made a mistake, we accept you for who you who you are. But you know, parents, they still nag. Um, so I drank more, like I continue to drink more and more and more and to a point where it's like I would go to work hung over and I would drink until I pass out at night. So from, you know, work time, like work hours, I'm at work. And then after that I'm drinking like, I don't know,

Speaker 5: 29:41

close to a bottle to a bottle and a half of hard liquors. So spirits, any, anything I can get my hands on. Um, and it got to a point and, and just dating like random guys, like just, it was reckless, it was horrible. Um, and then one day I, after the DUI, actually, and I think I mentioned this to you and I want to touch on it, it really hit me was when I was in the drunk tank in jail for the night. And they're like, you have one person to call, you can have any, like you can make one phone call, who are you going to call? And I was like, Holy shit, I just came from like this huge club. I felt so good. I have all this attention, like all my quotation, people that were gonna be there, like who are like my friends apparently. Um, and I had so many as surrounds, like so many things surrounding me. All the, the drinks, the alcohol, the party, the fun, like things that I ran away to go to. Um, I had no one to call. Like I had nobody. And at that point I was like, Oh my God. Like I must like, this is not who I am and I must be doing something wrong. But even at that point, I was like, well, they're not there for me cause they're, you know, they're X, Y, and Z. They're just like, they're assholes for not being there for me. And like, still that mindset was, it's not on me. Right. And that's why like the biggest thing, and I keep repeating it, is like committing to meeting everything that you're accountable for everything that you've done wrong and like just facing the facts. But, uh, in 2011, um, after all the DUIs, the drunk tank and all that stuff, broken relationships, um, my first like thought of suicide came along and that was the darkest place that I've ever been in, in my entire life where, um, I think I was probably pretty drunk at that time at home. And I called my girlfriend and I cried to her and she's like, you know, and this is a girl that I'm now having spoke to in like ages. I just called her out of the blue and we're good friends now because we reconnected. But I called her and I was like, you know, I'm so ashamed of everything I am. So I'm such a loser, like, you know, I feel so bad for what I've done to you and other people. And then after the call she's like, you know what? I think you need to sleep and like sleep off your alcohol. When I was like, no, I'm not drunk. She's like, no, you're clearly like hammered and I, you know, you don't, you never admit it when you're, when you're on that state. And

Speaker 4: 32:40

then I remember just sitting in my parents' kitchen with like a paring knife and I was like, literally, I could just stab myself in the heart right now. And all of this will end, all of this will just be over and I don't have to deal with any of this and, and everything will be fine. Everyone will move on and I won't have to hurt anyone anymore. I don't have to hurt myself anymore. And it'll be okay. And then either I passed out or a fly, like I remember seeing a flash of light and then I passed out and I woke up and my pants, my mom came down early in the morning before she went to work. And she's like, why were you sitting there like, why were you laying in the kitchen with a knife? And I was like, Oh, I had no idea. What do you mean? I was like, Oh, I probably was just trying to cut up a fruit. She's like, I hope you're not doing something stupid. I was like, Oh no, no. I would never do that. Like, but in my mind I was like, Oh shit, I, I literally try to kill myself last night something happened and it didn't end up falling through. Which at that point I was like, okay, this is something really serious. Like I don't want to give up like opportunities to fix other people, not fixed, but like opportunities to show other people that this is not the way to go. Like, um, that's when I kind of got up and said, Oh my God, it was a, it was a knife with a red handle. It was one of those pairing knives that I just stared on. I was like, Oh my God. Like, I couldn't believe that that would like, I, it could, I could have not woken up like that was it. Right. And I think my thought around that was like, okay, I need help. I need help. Like at that point I was just like, okay, this is, this is enough. Like, and I was like, okay. At that point I was kind of like buzzed still and I was like, okay, if I was to die right now, I would have so much debt from my parents. I would like so many things on explained, um, all the stories and like I would leave this perception of me that's like irresponsible, dumb drunk, like some idiot, first-generation child that like is a complete disgrace to the family and that's what I'm going to die with. Like really, like that was what last night could have been. And so then I was like, okay, no, I need to change this around because I'm better than that. Like I'm worth way more than, than just like being dead after two balls of rum, stabbing myself and um, being in my parents' kitchen. Like that's not how I want to go. And so that was when, um, 2012 came, stole his drinking but very like still drinking and still like living that life and but the, and be like, in the back of my head I'm like, I need help, I need help. And that was like the lead to like, okay, I need help, let's like try to not drink as much and like, cause I learned a lot about like harm reduction, um, how to like cope. And that's when like some of the creative Tivity started coming out as well. And then 2013 was when I actually went to the psychiatrist and got medicated and got help. 20 February, 2013 and I relapsed about over 10 times. And finally three years later, long story short, 2013 is when I started to get help. 2016 was when I actually stopped. So you can imagine three years of meds, depression, ups and downs and like uphill battle, um, trying different medications. But I was always on this, um, drinking medication where it's like if you drink and your Medicaid and on that it's called[inaudible], you actually get sick. And I've learned so many ways to trick that drug and to not take it for, you know, 48 hours and then like sneaky drink and you know, I always get busted cause I smell like alcohol. But yeah, that was kinda, that's kind of like the story of how Carmen and why I'm out in this world and why I'm still here and, and I decided to share the story because I felt all of the Shane, you know, like, um, and I didn't take accountability and that's one thing that I feel like we shouldn't, no matter what it is, be it like eating disorders or like any type of issue. Like don't be ashamed to share it. That's kinda my second takeaway is always talk about it. Talk about how you feel. I know it sounds like, Oh my God, it's so cheese Moe's, but

Speaker 2: 37:44

Oh my gosh. Okay. First of all, cheese, most love it. But just taking a second to sort of soak in this story that you just told is like, I'm so grateful that you're here and I'm so grateful you're, you're sharing and doing the work that you're doing that I, so from my perspective talking about my story, there are days when I can talk about it where I'm like kind of detached from it. I'm like, okay, yeah, it's this thing that happened and whatever. But the days when I really get into it I'm like, I almost feel like I don't really even remember being that person. And it's so interesting how like through life we can have these very intense experiences, but then on the other side of it, it'd be like, I can see the lessons, I can see the learning, I can see how it got me where I am now. But like, Holy crap, that was me too. Yeah,

Speaker 4: 38:36

it's so true. It's what you're saying is so true. Like that was me. And I think that like for me, for some people, you know, they, they go through the drinking and then they can control it. I predisposed whatever it is. Sorry, my dog shaking. Um, but, um, I just, my psychiatrist told me, she's like, if you don't want to be that person anymore, which I probably still have it inside of me. We all have our like, you know, thing, but it's like what brings out the worst of me is alcohol. Right. And so I don't touch it anymore. I'm on my third year of sobriety. Congratulations. Thank you. And it's crazy to think that in two months, so 2010 February 27 on my mom's birthday was my second DUI and you know, February 27, 2020, I'm probably running a workshop to have them be there and just like if they want to talk about their, their life, sure, whatever. If they just want to keep quiet and do some resin, that's fine as well. But it's like, that's the third thing that I want to really, you know, talk about as a takeaway for this podcast is like what next? Right? Like there's always like, what next? And it made me feel like, crap, there's two options. Am I going to continue and figure out why? Because I see potential or is it absolute toxic and I'm just going to like completely step away. Right? There's like there's always that choice that you can make and like when there's potential, so much can come out of it. Right? But you don't think that until you really, really dig deeper and talk about it.

Speaker 2: 40:32

And I think you, you danced on this, which is so true. When we're feeling shameful of something that we've done, whether we're able to commit to admit or not, it's hard to feel like you have something valuable. Like I feel like Holt feeling shameful and feeling valuable don't really go together. But then when you have these ideas, like you had said about how from the get go of starting your business, your intention was to offer workshops. That's so valuable. But then the people that you want to attract, you kind of have to meet as like everyone has to meet where we are and so then you don't get to the valuable without the shame. So it's like so interesting. Yeah, it's, yeah.

Speaker 4: 41:15

Oh, interesting. How like the universe, you know, comes, comes like around like that, right. It's like you don't experience the sunshine and the warmth until you hit that or like what they say. You don't see the rainbow until it rains like until after it and all that stuff. So it's exactly what you said. Like from all that shame and all that guilt, it was like I felt so like, Oh my God, I'm the most useless piece of shit in this world and I have nothing to give back. All I can do is hurt people. And like I went through that for a long, long time until I'm like, no. And I think it was like through that um, suicide attempt or or whatever you call it, maybe I was never going to do it and that's why it never happened. Like who knows now and it doesn't matter. But I think it was through that where it's like, okay, that's enough. Like beating on myself and feeling sorry for myself and feeling all ashamed and like being so overwhelmed with it is serving nobody like that. Like it's serving nobody. If anything it's like deeper into the hole and you're right. Like all the valuable stuff came about. The, when I just decided to change my way of life, decided to keep the people that I truly admire and the expires me close to me. Right. And like really fostering those relationships and like that's how they gave value to me and I gave value to them and it was like a bit of back and forth and bouncing ideas. And then you know, as you go along with your business, you meet people and you meet good people and you need not so good people. I never say bad people, but I feel like people always have good intentions. It just might not be, you know, something that's matching on the same level as your agenda. So it doesn't mean that they're bad people. There's good people and there's not so good people for your agenda at the time. But like I would never say like, Oh yeah, that person was like a piece of crap and like whatever. It's just, it might not be a match for you at that time. And it's okay because you learn something from it. You learn what not to do and who not to be when you get to a certain point,

Speaker 2: 43:43

but was the, if you don't mind me asking, how, how did this process go of like, having had this moment being sort of corporate Carmen who was living all of these sort of altered lives to then getting, like really committing to the creative side and the expression and then Kensington market and then where you are now, how did that all sort of flow through?

Speaker 4: 44:04

So, um, basically from that day on about, you know, the big bold idea of the workshop, I decided to build the business. Um, at that time I was working full time in the public sectors. So I did a career change after everything that happened to me. And that's a bit of a life changer as well, where I decided to focus a little bit more on healthcare, um, providing, you know, help and health for the citizens of Ontario, like, and for Ontarians and improving their health care and this health system. Um, so at that time I was doing full time corporate work and building, this was my side hustle. Like my hobby side hustle, where I would paint, bring it to art fairs and sell it. And how I came about with the certain collections was, you know, it needs to be motivational. There has to be an intention and purpose behind all my art pieces. They're all originals. And I really just let my psychology and business background take over. So the marketing aspect, the branding all came from work experience and then the creativity was more about, you know, how would it be psychologically attractive and what, like would it be meaningful and valuable? Everything that I do and my why is always to make sure that I give out something to the world that would add value so that you can leverage the tools that I give you to maximize your potential. So even as simple as the abstract art illustration and paintings, literally it's a tool that you can take home because it's colorful and it's enjoyable. It brings you joy. It also has that little like reminder every day. Um, male, your troubles be bubbles, you know, the sh um, I think the other one was from my Angelou, which is no one can dim the light that shines within. And then, um, the more grounding one is the little, the tiniest Oak was, sorry, the littlest, the biggest Oak was once a little nut. And so year one was infiltrating, literally I was at every market selling our for, you know, a pretty affordable price. And at that time it was kind of frowned, frowned upon. And that's one thing I want to say. Like for all the new entrepreneurs out there, do what you like, do what you believe in and do what makes you feel good. Like you know, your product, you know what it's worth, you sell it at what price you feel like, obviously don't sell it for like way lower than market. But you know, I think a lot of times you'll get feedback from different people as to how you run your business and similar to raising a baby, it's yours. Like your business is your baby. You can run it and raise it however you want. Right. So that's just a sidebar. Um, so I infiltrated the market. That was my goal. Year two was 2017 when I kind of put a halt to everything. I was working full time at that time and, um, I was doing this part time, so going to markets, I also got married that year and then I was pregnant immediately. Actually during my wedding I was already a month pregnant. Um, so I had, I got married and got pregnant like right away, had the baby right away, so I didn't really have much time to focus on anything. And, um, you know, the blessing is that with my baby girl, um, Stacy D, which is her little pseudonym, just like Carly D, her name is anesthesia. Um, so soon after she was

Speaker 5: 47:57

Sporn I went on mat leave and that was when I really want to focus on building the business in 2019 and 2018 was all about foundation meeting and right people doing the right things and just paving the path for what's to come in 2020. And so,

Speaker 4: 48:15

um, when you asked me about, you know, my goals, am I there yet? I am close. So 20, 20, uh, the big focus

Speaker 5: 48:23

is on workshops from January until April. Um, there will be a series of workshops that's going to take place and tickets are either on sale now when this podcasts launched, uh, or it's going to be on sale in the beginning of January for the entire series. So they're all at different places, but they're all going to be experiential. So there's an opportunity to have some snacks. Um, do a bit of photo taking. I'm big on the instance and so worthy areas or memorable areas. Um, so there'll be decorations and everything and they're going to be, um, at very specific locations, um, in collaboration with, um, one of them is Roselle and CO's, so they're actually a vintage China, um, rental company. So they have all these beautiful China's that they rent out for like high tea and stuff. So the workshop will take place there. Um, it's pretty intimate. It's most workshops are from six to eight people and that's what I want, right? Like I want the workshops to be engaging. I want people to talk to, chat, to meet friends, to meet accountability partners.

Speaker 4: 49:37

And I think, um, in the beginning I want it to be like solely for addicts or people who are struggling with addictions. But I feel like as a recovered addict myself, it's not something that people want to talk about immediately. So they don't, I don't want it to, I don't want to brand the workshops as if you're struggling with addictions and you need an outlet, please come to my workshop. Like I didn't want it to be like, have that messaging or connotation. I kind of wanted to be like a normal workshop and whatever goes on in the car. Lady workshops stays in the car, lady workshops. Right. I love that. But kind of like, you know, just opening it up for anyone. Like not just people who to talk feelings

Speaker 5: 50:28

and emotions by people who want to talk about mom or business or whatever. Arts and crafts and creativity. So it's kind of open right now. Um, I did, um, secure a partnership with Ontario shores, so that's a big, yeah. So what Ontario shores is, is a, they're based in Durham. They're one of the largest, I believe, mental health hospitals in Durham. And they have an inpatient unit. They do everything from eating disorder to addictions, mental health, inpatient, everything. And um, I secured a partnership with them. And so when it comes to the specific, um, workshops or events or initiatives that I'm building with them that are more mental health, um, related, I'm going to work with them on, on it. So there you'll find more like mental wellness kind of events where, you know, paint and create and like mental health as well, that type of thing. And then probably a few other ones that are not as heavy probably like literally just go in, chill out. So it's definitely all coming together. Yeah. So that's the workshop portion only rush,

Speaker 2: 51:46

Hey, can you believe that you're, what, like three ish years going into 20, 20 into your business and like there's this amazing partnership developing and you've been published, you're sharing your story. And I'm just like,

Speaker 5: 52:00

Oh my God, Oh my God, Carmen, you day in time to be like, Holy crap. Yeah. And it's like, you know, you always celebrate, you should always celebrate your small wins. Um, I am totally guilty of not doing that because I'm like and tell I'm on Oprah, but that is so not true. Like, first of all, I'm never going to be on Oprah. I mean come on. But you know what I mean? Like even the smallest things, like, honestly, looking back, my first market when I sold my first painting, I celebrated that. Like, I literally happy dance in my booth for like a good five minutes and now it's like, Oh my God, this year I think I've sold over 6,000 coasters and it's like over 6,000. And that doesn't include, you know, some of the ones that were given away or part of sponsorships, um, uh, things that I, you know, donate to and, and such. So I'm like, yeah, I think from being in that kitchen, no, from being in jail that night to being in the kitchen close to like killing myself to being here. I don't know where I would be with though. Everyone around me and you know, my parents, my husband like meeting you, you know, like you helped me talk about the story so comfortably and um, you know, sharing your story and I was like, Oh my goodness, your story is crazy. Like it's an, it's not a mental, it's not a mental thing. Compare. Like mine was more like mental and like physical abuse, more like, but everyone has their own story and I always say we all share the same chapters in a book, but all our stories are so unique and different. We all go through life like being such a bubble, you know, you, you just walk across someone, you have no idea what their day's like. You have no idea what they've gone through. Right. So like that really puts into perspective of how I see things in the world and how it changes my perspective. Not to be like, Oh my God, the glass is always half full. Everything is, you know, great and Daisy and everything's amazing. No, it doesn't work that way. But like I do see another side into all and some of the negative things that's happened. If I didn't go through what I went through, I've never met you and I would never be sitting here listening to your inspiring story of how you bounce back physically and like how you really like use that to create this podcast and share that with the world. Right. So yeah, it's so amazing. And so like, I think it's a big celebration for all of us. And the third thing that I really wanted to really, you know, hone on and um, kind of like a takeaway for our listener is no matter what you do, it's always like giving back. Um, you know, that's kind of my three core things, like through my journey. Those are the three major things like commits him, it talk about your feelings and always trying to give back somehow. It doesn't have to be monetary. It doesn't always have to be like big bang value. Like, Oh my God, I like introduced her to this person and look where she's at now. Like it's nothing, absolutely nothing like that. It could literally be like, Hey, I bought you a coffee. I'm downstairs. I've left it like here for you. I like come down and pick it up or like, um, I donated$2 at the grocery store today and that's it. Like you don't have to do it every time, but you know, like small smell things and being a partnership and volunteering for all the organizations that I did, it all goes back to, um, being able to give back because I got so much, like I got so much from everyone else that like, there's so much to get right. Like it's always about paying it forward. So I think, um, celebration is definitely a must for 20, 20 all your accomplishments for, for everybody. Like I think it's still the early in the year as you guys are listening to this podcast. So there's so much more months to celebrate and um, I think it's, it's really exciting. I can't wait to see like hopefully some of you guys at my workshop.

Speaker 2: 56:41

Yeah. Yeah, 100%. I like, it's funny as we're chatting, so my, um, my boyfriend recently through the months has gotten more and more into, into painting and he does design stuff on the computer. But so I'm like talking to you, but behind me are like all of these paintbrushes and canvases and so talking to you, I'm like, okay, I need to paint. And it's okay because I have them right here. You kind of did this for me, but I want to ask, um, officially ask anyway. If there's anyone listening who sees a part of themselves in your journey, if there's anything you could say, aside from all of those amazing, amazing initiatives you shared of your, your three things and commit to admit. But if there's one thing, if someone needed to hear it right now that you could share, what would that, what would that thing be? I would

Speaker 5: 57:31

say, um, no one will believe in you more than you ever will. So does that even make sense?

Speaker 2: 57:42

Well, look, you have to spend, that's it. Pull a pinch. If you need an inspirational moment, pull up pet drafts. Type in inspirational quotes. No, I'm just kidding. I mean, not kidding, but what I'm trying to say

Speaker 5: 57:58

say is know your worth. You're worth way, way more than you think. Um, at this moment, if you are going through any type of hardship, be it, you know, trying to get past, you know, losses or business fails or you know, personal, um, eating habits, you know, weight gain, weight loss, whatever it is, that's like a struggle or a challenge according to you. And I say that because everyone is different, right? Um, really dig a little bit deeper and go into the three things that I talk about right? Where it's like commit to admit if you have a problem or not. If you do, then you need to take the necessarily like necessary steps. Um, talking about it is very, very important because that's when you start to realize your worth, that you worth so much more than what you are in your struggle at that time. And you are worth so much more that you're able to collect all these, these emotions that you felt not, and I say that in the nicest way, like not everyone gets to experience certain emotions that some of people that go through the struggles experience, right? Because it's, it's everyone's different. Um, so because you had, I can say opportunity, I don't know. Um, yeah, you can because you've had the opportunity to feel these, these fields and emotions. Like you now have a chance to be like, you know what? I felt it, I understand it now I'm going to turn it around and make it valuable and that's how I can give back and not like immediately switches from any type of shame, guilt, whatever, into something valuable, literally like shit into gold. Like w what's that like? Literally, what's it? Uh,

Speaker 2: 1:00:04

well, we were at the car. Take your shit into manure. Yeah. Like literally. Um, and we need to like hashtag her, we need to like take her, I forgot her name. I think it's uh, Kiki or was it Vivian? K? Sorry. Vivian. Kate. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Yeah. So like literally that's, that's the only way I think.

Speaker 5: 1:00:26

I feel like, um, is what I can, is what I can say to you. Like you're probably, if you're going through a really tough time right now, it's not going to be easy, but really like digging deeper and sitting down and doing some of the activities that um, Dom specializes in, which is like, you know, the breathing, the physical, the mental, um, the, the like body and with the physical aspect of it and like just calming down and slowing down your, you'll really be able to kind of figure out, um, mentally what you can do with all these experiences. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:01:07

For all of that. If people are really, cause I know they will be excited about following you. We know that shatterproof lifestyle is your more personal account or has it changed? Tell me where can we find you? Um, you can find me at Carly paintings still.

Speaker 5: 1:01:22

Um, that's my home decor art account. Um, so a lot of my day to day is what I share through there. Um, that shatterproof lifestyle is definitely, uh, more of a, actually, you know, what home decor and art, I mean, I'm going to take that back

Speaker 2: 1:01:41

because that's chatter

Speaker 5: 1:01:44

lifestyle is relatively new. And my whole focus and intention on that is to share my lifestyle, like open up my life, um, to the world, but not take away from my art. So that's why I decided to open that. Um, and it will be more on, um, coping mechanism, more like mindfulness and like, you know, maybe some, and when we like if we can collaborate and write a post or like do something in terms of like how you, how your mind is so connected to your body and your movement. Um, so like stuff like that, right? It's more like health and wellness slash addiction slash business. Slash. Lifestyle. And that's why I called it the shatterproof lifestyle. Um, the description of why I named it that is there, but I'm just gonna pull it up quickly. I know I should have this memorized, but there was a billion things on my mind. I can't remember what I did like an hour ago. Oh yeah. It was in traffic. Um, so, um, the posts on the shatterproof lifestyle after like, I think it's like the second post is basically like, we're not Bulletproof, cause not, we're not fighting a war. We're not unbreakable. Cause then we can never mend if we were never broken. And that goes back to if we never felt these broken feelings and struggles, we would never know the glory of what we're like valued at, right? Like how valuable we are. And so what shatterproof means, it's like figuring out our surroundings and situations and continues to learn and adapt so we can proactively make better choices to avoid undesirable situations. That's what shatterproof being shatterproof means. It doesn't mean that you don't feel anything. It's just means that you will take what you've learned and what you felt and literally turn it around so that you become more shatterproof. Amazing. Kind of like, I'm super excited about it because I'm going to be posting a lot more and like literally opening up my life and like my day to day to through that account. Right now I'm kind of just, you know, with the Christmas season and stuff. Um, the painting account, the home decor, the Parley painting account is still a little bit more active. Um, being that it has more followers, but I don't like the audience. There is more like artists and not lifestyle. So like artists around the world are looking at my work or like following me for inspiration or um, you know, different, it's just a bit of a different audience. Some are interested in the life but the lifestyle. But um, yeah, that's kind of where you guys can find me and email DMS. I'm open to all of that. I answer every single DM myself. I answer to every question. I face time, I do whatever to help you. Um, if it's art related, I literally call someone from Alberta the other day and she's like, it's not caring how runny it is lady. Cause like she saw my tutorial on YouTube, I art resin and then she's like, I try to dad, I'm like, okay, you know what, let me just call you. And so like she showed me what she did. I'm like, Oh my God, it's gorgeous. I'm a little bit jealous. So like here we are pumping workshops

Speaker 2: 1:05:18

but also just being a general cheerleader for everybody,

Speaker 5: 1:05:21

for everyone. Everyone needs a cheerleader. Dessert. No, I can't say needs but everyone deserves one. And I'm always here.

Speaker 2: 1:05:31

I was going to say, and I am like so cheerleading you from my couch and I can't wait for all the amazing things for the new year. And I again, I'm just so grateful for taking time to, to chat with me and your vulnerability of sharing BSA. I know that there are bits and pieces and weaving throughout that I think we can all relate to in some way or another and having that vulnerability to come out and share. It's just so, so wonderful. So thank you so much. And maybe we'll just have to do around two cause I feel like we just have so much to talk about all the time.

Speaker 5: 1:06:04

No, I love it. I love it. Well I can't wait to come and see you and um, hang out and do all the great things that we're going to do. It's going to be so good. It's so good. I love it. And thanks for having me and I hope all our listeners, um, enjoyed the podcast.

Speaker 2: 1:06:27

I am so confident that they will, I'm probably going to like cut it just a little bit before this. So this is just us now talking, but I actually have to like, usually I'm like, Ooh, how are you feeling that I actually have to run and get ready. But thank you. Thank you so much. And I'm like, like goosebumpy with excitement and like I'm so Gabby

Speaker 5: 1:06:46

did, I have so much fun. I'm so sorry, but I'm so happy we got this.

Speaker 2: 1:06:53

Oh my God, it was exactly as it was meant to be. I have like so much here and I just, I'm trying to get them all done quick enough so that I can send it to you before it gets launched so that you have a chance to listen to it. So then if there's anything like you want to promo with it, you at least like know. But it sounds like, um, so I'm hoping to get that done

Speaker 5: 1:07:12

here. I don't want to listen to it because I don't want to hear my own voice yet.

Speaker 2: 1:07:18

When I recorded mine, I sent it to my sister.

Speaker 5: 1:07:21

Yeah. So I trust everything that you do. I know I'm in good hands and I think, uh, and I, I, I'm confident about this recording. Like I did another recording and I'm like, please send it to me before you launch it. So, um, I'm con like I'm happy with this one, so I, and I trust that you'll edit it and do whatever totally that um, yeah, you don't have to share with me, so just launch it when you do, just let me know when you launch. It's like an advertisement.

Speaker 2: 1:07:53

Well, I'll try to get it like initially I've been doing like a loose timeline, but because you have some stuff happening through like January, February, March, I'm getting to kind of bump yours up too at the beginning so that people have time to tie. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, I hope you got fabulous rest of your night.

Speaker 5: 1:08:09

You too. Enjoy the time with your friends. Thank you. And we'll make a plan to get test each other in the new year. Yes. Happy

Speaker 1: 1:08:16

new year. See you next year. Oh my gosh. Carmen, thank you so much for your vulnerability, for sharing, for the incredible life that you're leading and all of the goals that you have coming up that you're totally going to knock out of the park. You're already there. I hope you enjoyed this interview as much as I did. I just feel so grateful to get to know people like who we've been sharing and, and get to have really important, vulnerable, honest, open conversations about what it looks like to be in the middle of something that just feels like it's never gonna end. And then making our way out of that dark spot into something that glows so bright and beautiful. And if you've ever met Carmen or are planning on attending her events, she is a sponsor for the podcast. So we do have a discount code for you. I highly recommend going out to her events and meeting her in person because her heart literally is just the biggest and brightest heart. Um, and it's such an honor to know her. Thank you for listening today. If you feel like you need help yourself based in Ontario, we have multiple different resources for mental health and crises links. Please know that your life is important and valuable, and there is something meant for you here and I love you and I will see you next week.

Speaker 3: 1:10:04

[inaudible].