048 What would it be like if you were just a little nicer to yourself? What difference could that make in your life? In your business? Self-compassion is an insanely powerful tool that is being under utilized by people. I believe in using every tool and resource to my advantage, to curate my own health and happiness and sanity using whatever I can get my hands on. And I believe that you will find that self-compassion, basically being nicer to yourself, is one of those tools that can change your life.
In this episode you will learn:
More info <<HERE>>
Don't miss out on the entire 6-part series on self-compassion!
Check out the next episode <<HERE>>
048 What would it be like if you were just a little nicer to yourself? What difference could that make in your life? In your business? Self-compassion is an insanely powerful tool that is being under utilized by people. I believe in using every tool and resource to my advantage, to curate my own health and happiness and sanity using whatever I can get my hands on. And I believe that you will find that self-compassion, basically being nicer to yourself, is one of those tools that can change your life.
In this episode you will learn:
More info <<HERE>>
Don't miss out on the entire 6-part series on self-compassion!
Check out the next episode <<HERE>>
So as this rather challenging year is coming to a close, I was looking back on some of the previous episodes that I had done and some of the ones that I was most proud of and feel necessary about now. And right when stuff started to get real back in March of 2020, I started a six part series on self compassion, which is just basically this idea of how can you be nicer to yourself, and there are only so many ways to do this. But so many benefits from it, and reasons why it's super important for entrepreneurs and business owners to take seriously and cultivate as a skill. So I wanted to offer up this episode that was from several months ago. Some of its new some of its old, and we can all do with a little repeat of things that we might have previously heard. But I would encourage you to not only listen to this episode, if you enjoy this, to go back and finish the series out. So this is a repeat of Episode Number 10. But episodes 1112 1314 and 15 will be the follow ups to the this episode. So you can complete the six part series, and really discover how self compassion can be useful to you. It was one of the things that I found most beneficial this year. Not only the skills and everything that I share in that six part series with you, I used all of that in my real life, I applied these things, especially when I was struggling or finding things hard, or starting to compare myself with what others were doing, I found it to be very helpful. And I wanted to share a story with you about how I personally found this stuff useful in my own life, and how it really helped me during what turned out to be a very challenging year for so many of us. So we're back in April or May, when I was watching so many people I admire either leaders that I follow or friends who were doing these amazing things, they were starting new businesses and like writing books and just achieving and being so productive. And I was finding productivity to be very challenging. During that time, I was able to do that the minimum but I just felt overwhelmed by everything that was going on in, you know, April and May of 2020. I just found it exhausting. I was worried about all my friends and family, I was worried about the world. It was just very stressful. And I started comparing myself to other people, other businesses. And that was so counterproductive, because it just led to some some quality inaction on my part. But what I felt helpful found helpful was one of my favorite exercises and practices and self compassion. And we'll talk about that in the six part series. But the idea of how you would treat a friend, this is my favorite one from Dr. Kristin Neff. And it's basically this idea of if a friend came to you, with this problem of our friend came to you and said, Hey, you know, I'm really struggling so and so wrote a book and so and so got their website up and running and this other person they've been on like a podcast and you know, I'm just feeling you know, really crappy about myself and like, I'm not enough and I need to be doing more and why aren't i doing more and why aren't able to do more? of her friend came to you and says stuff like that? You would probably say things like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. You're feeling that way? Yeah, it's been really rough for everybody. Oh, just be kind to yourself, you know, whatever you're doing is okay. You would say so many nice things to this person. But some of the things I was saying in my head, well, her not so nice. And I'm guessing that you've maybe done that at some point in your life to yourself as well. These things that we say that are not so nice, and how they slow us down, how they really affect us. And so I wanted to share these episodes with you again, because I just think that they are some of the most valuable work that that I've created. sharing some of the work of Dr. Kristen Neff, who's a leader in the field, you'll learn a lot about her. But just how valuable this can be to really everything in your life, not only your business right You show up confidently how you show up for yourself how you show up as a leader, but also for your personal life for your family for yourself. So I hope you enjoy learning how to be just a little bit nicer to yourself. Hello, and welcome to the healthy, happy and mostly sane entrepreneur. I'm your host, stress management consultant and coach and mostly sane entrepreneur Ellen Leonard. Each week, I share my obsession with hearing out how to prioritize your own health and sanity while running a business. Because I don't think you have to sacrifice your own health and well being to be successful. So please stay tuned for today's episode full of actionable tools. And don't forget to hit subscribe to be sure you don't miss out on future episodes. And I wanted to be sure that you knew about my one on 190 minute coaching intensives, during which we pick one topic and check that one thing off your list. I know that you need to stay healthy, happy and sane to show up as your best self for not only your business, but your family and yourself and you're giving so much to everybody else, you're drained, you're exhausted, you cannot pour from an empty cup. So I created these one on 190 minute sessions where we pick one topic. So it could be stress management, healthy eating, getting more exercise in self care sleep in it can be if you want 90 minutes with me teaching you how to be more compassionate to yourself with us coming up with a plan to make sure you're prioritizing self compassion. So if you listen to this episode, and you listen next six, and you really want to rock out self compassion in your own life, then we can do that. Remember, you are your business. And I am here for you. So details on that in the show notes. So self compassion is an insanely powerful tool that I think is being totally underutilized by people. And I believe in using every tool and resource that I can get my hands on to my advantage to curate my own health and happiness and sanity. And I firmly believe that self compassion, which is just basically being nice to yourself, is one of these tools that is going to change your life for the better you are going to be so impressed with what self compassion can help you do. So stay tuned. In this episode, you are going to learn number one, the three core concepts of self compassion that will change how you think about being nicer to yourself. Number two, the benefits of self compassion because there are a lot of them all based in science. And they're pretty friggin awesome. Number three, one simple, clear action step you can take today that will blow your mind and start making a difference in your life immediately. For real, it's so freakin awesome. So that start being nice to yourself right now. Ready, set, go. So what we're going to be talking about today, is based largely on the resource, the research of one woman, Kristen Neff, she's a leader in the field, studying self compassion, yes, it's an entire field of study. And of course, I'm going to link to a bunch of her work, including the resources I used for this podcast in the show notes. So be sure to check those out. But she states that self compassion, quote, involves the clear seeing of our own suffering, a caring response to our suffering, that includes the desire to help and a recognition that suffering is part of the shared human condition. And I think that's a very sciency way to say that self compassion is this idea that when you notice that you are suffering, you're going to be a little bit nicer about it, and recognize that all humans suffer. And not everything is going to be awesome all the time. And that's okay. And when she's talking about suffering, and this definition, I think more broadly means that it's anything that isn't going the way that you think it should go or when something doesn't work out, or when you're frustrated or angry or sad, basically, when you encounter anything that's bothering you, or annoying you. But I think it also includes, of course, the more traditional versions that you would categorize as suffering like physical pain or loss of a loved one, or loss of any kind and the suffering that comes from that. And I think what she's saying is that when we experience this, our reaction isn't to be critical or get caught up when you're self compassionate. Jeanette, you're going to notice this experience this thing, that you're not liking this thing that isn't working for you. And then you're going to be kind in your response to yourself about this. And you're going to have a sincere desire to help yourself. And I think that's such an interesting way to think about self compassion. It's more about noticing, being kind about what you noticed, and figuring out what's next. And that makes it feel more manageable. Like there's steps to this process. And it's something that I can actually do. And I want to emphasize that this is not going to make you nice all the time. It's not a magical fix all it takes a lot of practice and a lot of hard work. But I think it's worth it. Because when I'm nicer to myself, my whole world is going to change and open up. When I'm Kinder about how I speak to myself, or how I deal with things that go on with my life, my whole world is going to change. And I think that's worth my time. So I'm going to explore the three core concepts of self compassion, so that you can get a better idea of what we're talking about. Because it could be very easy just to have this broad sense of like, Oh, I'm just supposed to be nicer to myself, Oh, I really suck at that, which is not self compassionate, and just kind of give up on it. But I think it's important to give it concepts so that you can have more context to understand it more effectively. So number one, is to consider the concepts of self kindness versus self judgment. So I'll say that, again, self kindness versus self judgment. And this is basically the idea that it can be so easy for us to slip into judging ourselves, right to continually be critical to ourselves inside our heads. That negative self talk that mean things we say to ourselves, as opposed to being kind to ourselves inside of our heads. So that's that self kindness being a little bit nicer to herself, versus slipping right into self judgment, which can manifest certainly as that negative self talk. So it's recognizing the difference between something like self judgment might sound something like, how could I do that? Why is wrong with me? Why am I not more like her? Why couldn't I do a better job at that? Oh, OMG I suck. Versus self compassion, that might sound something after, after some practice, it might sound something like, it's okay to be human. I'm still learning. I can do better next time, I learned so much from this experience. While that sucked, but it's gonna be okay. It's okay to make mistakes, right? That's very different. It's so much less judgmental, right? It totally removes all of that judgment from the conversation that's going on inside your head. And what that does is that gives you the ability to keep moving forward, right? You're not getting stuck in the story of how much you suck in all your self judgment, you are able to be like, okay, that happened. What's next. So this has an interesting correlation to perfectionism. And I think that that is something really interesting to consider. Because, as you know, there's no perfect human. If you didn't know that, I'm so sorry to break it to you. perfectionism is not something that's really possible. Try as you might. But I think when you're shifting your mindset away from self judgment, away from being critical of yourself, to self kindness, it can help you to get away from perfectionism. And instead of approaching things that happen to you with judgment and criticism, you can approach the things that happen to you, with kindness and love, the things that are going on to you, around you by you just everything in your life, approaching that with kindness and love, especially inside your own head. So the second concept that's important to self compassion, is to consider the idea of common humanity versus isolation. And this is such an important one, as an entrepreneur, as a business owner, as somebody who is on their own a lot. You can feel very isolated, not only the ways that we're living our life, even if our life is a life of service, and we're connected to people on a daily basis, we're serving our clients or students. But a lot of times, the decisions that we're making, the things that we're doing are very self contained and can be very isolating and it decreases our opportunities. To see that so many other people, other entrepreneurs, other business owners, other humans are also struggling or finding things challenging or having issues or not being good at stuff, or not getting enough stuff done, right? Things that we are all experiencing. But we feel so alone in our experience of when we acknowledge our common humanity, we are becoming less isolated in that acknowledgement that there is something common to our experience that other people out there are experiencing the same thing can be incredibly powerful. And so you get to see what's going on outside of our own experience. So you're reducing that isolation. And then idea we get inside our heads and start thinking about how much we suck. But that's based on limited information we have because we haven't been talking to other people about it, we haven't been exploring outside our own experience, seeing what other people who are just like us are doing in the same space, not acknowledging our mutual humanity, the things that we share. And instead, we're having this mindset that we are isolated and alone. And so you know, other people who are in similar businesses, they're probably in very similar situations, struggling with many of the same challenges, you can certainly imagine that another business owner who's also a mom, is having many of the same challenges of juggling, parenting and family and business, right, you guys probably have so much in common. And if we don't know what's going on with them, if we are paying attention to what other humans are going through, then we're going to feel very isolated. And that can really hamper our self compassion. Because when we are more isolated, or more likely to think those negative thoughts, we're less likely to maybe consider that other people are going through the exact same thing that we are, and think that it's just us. And that can really get in the way of self compassion. And let's take an example. If I am at home, or working by myself, all day long, super frustrated with, say, my new email service provider, right, I can't figure it out, it's not doing what I want it to do. I can feel very isolated. And I can start to go to those critical thoughts, where I'm blaming myself, and I'm thinking I'm the worst, and I suck, and I just don't understand technology, as opposed to, if I were to consider what other business owners might be going through, if I were to reach out to some of my friends and ask them about their email service provider, I would probably hear a lot of the same stuff, like OMG, I went through the same thing, oh, it's the worst, it's so hard. I decrease my isolation by reaching out to friends, to family, to Facebook groups, whatever it is. And that will allow me to be like, Oh, I'm not alone in this. There are other people who struggle with this same thing. And I can be a little bit more self compassionate. And think about the power of that how many times we might isolate ourselves in our thinking that we're the only ones that we're doing it wrong, that there's something wrong with us, when really thousands or millions of people are going through the exact same thing, the exact same thought process that we are not alone. And think about how comforting that can be how you can shift that isolation, to more of a mindset of Oh, other people are going through this to common humanity. And think about what that could do to how you speak to yourself inside your head. How you think about yourself, can be incredibly powerful. And number three is to consider the concepts of mindfulness versus over identification. And this is a really interesting way to approach the concept of self compassion. Because it's this idea that we're viewing our suffering or whatever's going on in our life. Are we viewing it mindfully? Or are we just identifying with it and getting lost in the story of it? And what do I mean by that? Ideally, we're trying to notice what's going on with us. So we're being more mindful, we're noticing, and then we're acting on that. But instead, what happens a lot of times is we start to create a story. Based on the negative experience. In that moment, we start to quote over identify with the negative suffering or the experience we start to associate some of our identity with it. Now I'm not a therapist or a psychologist, but do have an awesome example of what this might look like. So consider, for example, that you have failed to make a sale, you had a client, you thought they were going to buy from you, and then they didn't. And you notice that you're getting really upset about this, you get frustrated, you're angry, you're disappointed. And it can be so easy to let something like that frustration, that anger, that disappointment, that lack of self compassion, be the story that you identify with, right? You start telling yourself a story about the failure of that sale, or the failure of anything, you tell yourself a story, oh, it's because I'm the worst. It's because I suck, I didn't sell right. You could even start to blame the client, oh, they didn't understand what I was offering. Right? As opposed to being mindful. And noticing, wow, that really sucked. I did not enjoy that process of being rejected. In my sales call by that client, that was not great. And instead thinking of thinking like a story about that making up a story about why that happened. Notice what you can actually know, all you know, is that that client didn't buy, that's all, you know, so maybe the program wasn't right for them. Or maybe they're too busy right now. Or maybe they just didn't have the money. There's so many reasons, that probably wouldn't be a part of the story you might make up. And if you use mindfulness instead of over identifying with that story, if you choose to think instead, wow, that sucked. What can I learn from that? What could I do better next time? How could I improve on that? You don't get wrapped up in the story of it. Those self critical thoughts that can be so easy to identify within that moment, those self critical thoughts as opposed to self compassion. When you're noticing what's going on, you're noticing your reaction, and you're taking a moment to be like, I'm having the thought that I'm having this feeling. I am experiencing this, you're noticing mindfully, what's going on? And then, instead of identifying with that story, you're moving on? I'm having the thought that I suck. Well, that's not very productive, and is maybe not true. So how can I move on to that? I'm having the feeling of frustration? Yeah, well, I work really hard on that sales pitch. So it is probably really frustrating. But I didn't get that client to sign up. Right? And I'm not going to get lost in the story of that I'm going to choose to think things instead that are more self compassionate, like, Well, that didn't go the way that I wanted it to. What can I learn from that? How can I grow from that? what's next. And so these are the three elements that are going into self compassion. And I think that by identifying these things, it really helps us to understand what it might be like to understand these elements more. And then you can start to notice to really notice when you aren't being self compassionate. And when you are, right, when you're familiar with these three elements, you can start to notice when you are being kinder to yourself, and when you are stepping in to that self judgment, that over identification, that isolation, you'll start to see these things when you're doing them. And that can be incredibly powerful. And you'll start to notice, when you're doing the opposite, when you are digging deep, and you are finding self kindness, when you're noticing that what you're experiencing might be something that's common for humanity that other people are experiencing as well. And when you're being a little bit more mindful of what's going on with yourself, and how those three things can help you to overall, be more compassionate towards yourself. So I'm guessing this was a lot I know it was a lot, a lot of things to consider, right things you might never have considered before. So I'd invite you over to the show notes so that you can review each of the three core concepts and some of the benefits that I covered about self compassion. So why you might think that this is important and worth your time because I really believe it is. So our first action step because I always include action steps ways that you can apply this immediately. Your first action step is to review those three core concepts and see what you identify with. See how you can use that information to increase your self compassion. You can start to notice things like When you are doing things that are more self compassionate, and you can start to identify the things that are less self compassionate, using those three core concepts. And then action step number two, and this is one of my favorite action steps ever, this is such a powerful practice, I promise, it's going to totally blow your mind. So if you're thinking about self compassion, and you're still struggling with what it might look like to be nicer to yourself, or how hard that would be, I'm going to ask you to consider the following exercise. And this is one of my favorite exercises. Whenever my students I teach at a university and my undergraduates, whenever they do this assignment, they are floored at what they learn from the following. So today's exercise, I'm going to ask you to consider how you would treat a friend as your reference for self compassion. And what I mean by that. The next time you are thinking something horrible about yourself, something didn't go the way you wanted, you're suffering, something's going on. And you notice that you are being self critical. You're having those negative self talk, things going on those negative thoughts. Begin to ask yourself, how would I treat a friend in this situation? Right? If I'm failing on that business call, I tried to make that sale with that client. And it doesn't go the way that I wanted it to write, I don't make the sale, I could very much be like, I totally failed. I'm the worst. everything sucks. But how would I treat a friend? I would never say the things that I say to myself to a friend. I would never say the things that I say to myself to a friend. Oh my gosh, I would be mortified if they Yeah. So think about that next time you're doing those negative self talk those negative thoughts? Would you say them to a friend? odds are not? And what would you say to a friend instead? Right? What would be the words of kindness and compassion that you would say? Because you would say something like, oh, you'll get them next time? or What did you learn? Oh, that sounds like it really sucks. I'm so sorry. You went through that? Those are the kinds of things you would say to a friend Oh, I'm here for you. How can I help? Right? And so why aren't we saying these things to ourselves? Why are we being so mean to ourselves? There is a point at which we are being realistic and understanding. Yeah, we messed up, or we could do it better, right? We're fully acknowledging whatever happened in our role in it, and we're learning from it. But beyond that, there's no point to stay in that negative space about ourselves. Treat yourself how you would treat a friend in thought and action. And notice how that gives you so much insight into what self compassion is, and what it can do for you. I promise it's going to change your life you are going to be floored by the insights you have by using this simple method. For me, it comes down to this simple idea. Am I going to let this be the thing that holds me back? Am I really gonna let me being not nice to myself or not think it's worth my time to let this be something that holds me back from achieving my dreams or my goals? from anything to being healthier? Right like to getting to the gym to making it to yoga class? Am I going to let this slow me down from doing that? Am I going to let it slow me down from trying to eat healthier from trying to spend time with friends from trying to do all the stuff I want to do in my business? Am I going to let me being mean to myself inside my head in action? Hold me back or am I gonna choose to be a little bit kinder to myself and see what opens up and see what becomes possible. So if you want more details and resources, head on over to the shownotes that can be found at www dot Ellen leonard.com backslash podcast. That's e Ll e N dash Elio na rd.com backslash podcast, got show notes and resources and lots of stuff to share with you. You can also click on the link that you'll find in the show notes here. And don't forget to hit subscribe so you don't miss out on future episodes in this six part series on self compassion. It will be full of actionable tips to help you do more of what you love without sacrificing your health or losing your mind. Thank you so much for listening. I really do value your time. And I wish you a healthy, happy and mostly sane week.