E240: Alcohol Wasn’t My Problem — This Was

We say alcohol is the problem — but for me, alcohol was the solution to something deeper. In this episode, I share my story of living with ADHD and a new diagnosis of Level 1 autism, and how both shaped my drinking and recovery. From masking in social situations to battling boredom, anxiety, and racing thoughts, I talk about why alcohol became my coping tool and what I’ve learned in sobriety about finding healthier solutions.

Transcript

Matt: 0:02

Substances can become tools to cope with that sensory overload, the anxiety, with the exhaustion and masking. It's so hard. This is why I'm tired at the end of the day. My tagline here is that alcohol is not the problem. Alcohol is the solution to the problem. And the problem is the masking, the impulsivity, the boredom, the anxiety, the depression, the racing, thinking back to the past, the pain, having trouble in a social situation. Not knowing how do we even talk, I'm in a social situation and it's noisy and I can't understand everybody because I hear everybody's voice all at once. Where do I start? Are they going to reject me? Do they look at me funny? All these things are going through my mind. Welcome to the Sober Friends podcast. My name is Matt J, and if you're so victorious, if you have a little bit of sobriety or a lot of sobriety or you just need a bigger deep dive when it comes into recovery and sobriety, well, this is the podcast for you. Thanks for choosing this podcast, and I want to tell a little bit of story about something that recently happened to me, a diagnosis that I've had that I've been really hesitant to share for quite a while. I was recently diagnosed with level one autism. I already had an H, ADHD diagnosis, and I wanted to talk to you about how it shaped my recovery and how it illuminates some things that I've realized about myself since I've started this recovery, not even a recovery journey but my whole life. So, ADHD in my life, my mind races constantly. I'm restless, I daydream, it's very hard to stay focused. I really wish I have this as a kid, because it explained a lot of things about why I couldn't pay attention. Why I was, my mind was racing this way and that and I needed stimulation. When you have ADHD in your life or I should say how ADHD led to me, it did feed into some drinking because it's relief. Definitely I drank for boredom, especially when I was alone, if I was bored, I was alone. It was an evening, no friends or family around. There was nothing to do. I could drink all night and feel like I was doing something. I needed that stimulation at all times and alcohol could do that for me. And the other piece that I wish I had when I was younger was that I had level one autism. So if you don't know, autism comes on the spectrum. There's like level one, level 2, level 3, level 1 is the lowest. It used to be called Asperger's. When you get into level 2, you need more support, level 3. You need to be fully supported. At level 1, the support you need is pretty minimal. I got tested for autism because I had read about autism for a few years, kind of knew the ADHD thing. But reading about autism, I realized there are things that seem to ring true for me. That was being uncomfortable in social situations and also being hyper focused on certain things. When I was a kid and I was bored, I had a slim down encyclopaedia set. I would breathe the encyclopaedia. I got really focused on the president. I got really focused on nuclear war. I got really focused on baseball stadiums. And I had to learn everything about them to the point, especially presidents, I can rip off the amount of trivia about presidents, Soviet leaders. All of that type of insane useless knowledge or useless knowledge, what I used to call it. And I think those are autism traits. The other thing was masking that I kind of learned how to behave in public by watching other people. Even I could tell jokes and stuff based on seeing comedians do them that I became really good at imitating other people and just being an actor through life. And I could act through having conversations with people. I kind of learned, if I could be a character, like if I could go in a social situation, acting out a script, I can be a character that I can get through a social situation. And that type of masking stuff and difficulty with people and that shutdown made me think knowing I have the ADHD diagnosis. Maybe it would make sense to go get fully tested in just see. And I was pretty sure I had autism, and I was excited for the meeting. I was going to have with the therapist to go over my results thinking I'm going to get validation and relief. You know the thing that I got from this was embarrassed. I felt bad. And more than anything, I felt damaged. These were the kind of feelings I had when I first found recovery feeling damaged and ashamed right at first. Something was wrong with me. My whole life I always felt damaged. It seemed like even family looked at me differently. I just always felt something was different about me. And I just wanted to be more like other people. Why do I have to be a damaged person kind of like if you've ever seen the movie twins Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVita like Danny DeVita was Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin, but it was like he was the defective leftovers from the experiment. and that's how I felt. If I look back... Drinking help mask ADHD sometimes, but it made me feel more like myself that I could be comfortable in my own skin. It made socializing easier. It dulled being overwhelmed, and it quieted my racing, uh, racing thoughts. And at the time, it really masked the struggles that were neurological, not moral failings. I still am not super comfortable with this '80 with this autism diagnosis, which is why I haven't shared it with you. I just haven't known how to do it, and I had a free moment here, and I'm like, I'm just gonna let this one rip, because I think there's a lot of you out there who are going through some of this stuff. Either you know you have an ADHD and/or autism diagnosis, or you don't, and some of these symptoms will ring true to you, and maybe you'll get a test, and it gives you a plan of action on how to get through life the best way possible. I also want to tie in the science. It's not just about feelings, there are science here, with ADHD in addiction. People with ADHD and people who are generally neurodiverse, about two to three more times likely to struggle with substance use. With ADHD, your brain chemistry has a lower baseline of dopamine. That's the substance that gives you, oh, really. People who don't understand ADHD, and I've had people have worked with when I talked about really struggling to, what's the term I'm looking for, really struggling to pay attention? Well, you just have to try harder. You just have to pay attention better. No, I don't. It's not like that at all. Yeah. I've got to try harder. I already know that, and I already know that I have coping mechanisms. But if I'm giving my 100%. If you don't have ADHD, that's your 400%. You have no idea how hard it is to really focus, and it's not a lack of, I'm just a goofball. My brain chemistry is in such a way that that dopamine level starts so much lower. Impulsivity also makes it easy to say, yes, what we should say now. For me, now that anybody mentions they're going out for ice cream, it is really hard for me to say, no, it's going out for ice cream. Thankfully, going out for ice cream is a lot easier on the body than going out for alcohol. Like, hey, we're all going out for drinks. Oh, that's really hard to say no, too, because I feel like I'm missing out. So now, the hardest I have is, how do I say no to going out with the family when they say they're going out to ice cream because that's my weakness. I'm down to coffee, ice cream, and Coca-Cola Zero are my guilty pleasure. Now, with autism in addiction, research actually shows that people who are autistic actually have a lower rate of substance abuse. But when you combine autism and ADHD or other mental health issues mix in, the risk goes way up. So I'm a hope chest of all types of mental illness. The ADHD and the ADHD and the autism cause anxiety. I have a stimulant that I'm on by bands. And when the dosage is right, the anxiety comes down, so they're all kind of mixed together, but I have anxiety that can get really pinned. And when it gets pinned, it almost feels like I am paralyzed, everything is terrible, everything's going to come in. When that goes down, I get a depression, sort of as a hangover. On top of that dealing with trauma issues and stuff, I got a whole bunch of stuff I'm working on, without exaggerating in it. I go to therapy, I do EDM EMDR therapy, which was suggested to me by people in recovery, and it works, but it's also exhausting. Substances can become tools to cope with that sensory overload, the anxiety for the exhaustion, masking. It's so hard. This is why I'm tired at the end of the day. My tagline here is that alcohol is not the problem. Alcohol is the solution to the problem. And the problem is the masking and pulsivity, the boredom, the anxiety, the depression, the racing, the thinking back to the past, the pain, having trouble in a social situation, not knowing how do we even talk in a social situation, and it's noisy, and I can't understand everybody because I hear everybody's voice all at once. Where do I start? Are they going to reject me? Do they look at me funny? All of these things are going through my mind. It is a symphony of instruments that are playing all at a different pitch and not in rhythm. That is incredibly exhausting. So yes, alcohol makes you feel better. an opioid makes you feel better. Pot not so much for me, that pin the anxiety, but I understand if it's your thing. So it's easy to go in and it becomes your only tool so you feel like you have to drink and then realizing the autism aspect of me getting focused on wine, getting wine spectator and drilling down and having to know everything about wines and stemware and all of that stuff. And then you start to convince yourself you are a kind of sewer, you are not somebody who has a problem. Kind of sewers who have wines back to you, they don't have problems. But hey, Dan, because it's fermented grape juice and it was my solution. So yeah, that's a problem. But the real problem is, if I'm ever going to stay sober and be happy and have a full life, I have to find something else that's going to help me address these everyday struggles where alcohol is not the thing that I need to have. And so you mix all those together and you're off because you start with a lower dopamine too and that helps regulate the dopamine the alcohol and it sucks to have low dopamine. So all these things together, you're doing that alcohol, it becomes your solution. If you don't have another solution, you are never going to get better. So what does this mean for me in recovery? And maybe this is something you can identify. And until I got this diagnosis, this dual diagnosis, ADHD and autism, I didn't understand some of these underlying things and it made me think I'm not as committed to recovery. I'm not as patient. I'm doing something wrong in the meeting. Here are my challenges. AA rooms can be too loud sometimes. There can be too much going on. There could be too much socialization before, after and I don't quite know how to fit in. There are some meetings that aren't as structured especially if some because the people who run AA meetings or other alcoholics, they're not perfect. And some people struggle to put it together even with a card. I'm thinking and meeting I go to somebody chairs, there's a laminated sheet that you can follow everything you can do and this guy cannot even follow that. And so that lack of structure drives me insane. Sometimes it's too quiet and I hear people like smacking gum that makes me absolutely insane. So all of those things, the noise, the quiet, the instruction. Sometimes it's repetitive. If you're reading the big book and I think, oh, this is the 5,000 time I've gone through this chapter. I'm kind of I'm kind of checked out. I stopped going a long ago to hour anything over an hour meeting. I cannot do an hour and a half meeting. I am just I'm dying by the end. So without without like a break, it becomes hard. Step work could be hard for you. For me, it wasn't because I had a focus on a project and I'm talking to somebody and those are kind of short burst type of things. Here is my strength and the thing that makes me feel not broken. When I say strength, I think this is my superpower. I can be hyper focused. I can dig deep into recovery readings and podcasts and therapy tools. A couple of summers back. I think it's 2022. Go back into the archive because I'm really proud of this series. I did a series on the big book based on the book writing the big book where I read this book writing the big book and I interviewed the author and what I wanted to do is I wanted to go really deep into the big book and have kind of like a one-man Joe and Charlie project. And I wanted to give you a tool if you'd never got to go to a Joe and Charlie and understand what the book was about and bust some of those myths that you might hear in the room. The book I did it from is writing the big book by William Schaeberg and I even interviewed William Schaeberg. It should go down through the archive there. Interviewing him was like the achievement of my life. It's the one thing I'm most proud of. So go back and listen to that one. But this is like 600 pages of dense, dense reading about how the manuscript came together. And the fact that I have autism is the thing that drove me through it that I took notes. And I kind of became an expert or as much of an expert as I could of how this book was written and why it was written the way it was and the times and kind of all that stuff. And that is a superpower. My interests can be a healthy thing to replace booze. I'm interested in getting into my gardening. I'm not one who really likes to use roundup but I have this bind weed that has been all over the garden and I have been taking a root cause approach to get rid of this bind weed. And if I can get rid of this really nasty weed it opens up the possibilities for my gardening. And my gardening, I can tell you all the things about soil and stuff. Microphones. If you go to YouTube, this is one of these when I'm in a place where I can record the video. You can see my setup a little bit. I mean, if you want somebody who's an expert on a podcast setup, on interfaces, on microphones, I can tell you all about it because I dug as deep as possible on condenser and dynamic microphones and chords and their properties and stuff, this insane drill down that I have that I can pick up very quickly because if I'm interested in a topic, I'm going to learn everything there is to know about it. It's almost like addiction to knowledge. This is a superpower. My therapist has been very helpful helping me through the shame that she said neurodivergent people are awesome. And she told me from the moment you walked in, you were different. And I think you do have high intelligence qualities, which is wonderful to hear because a lot of times I feel like I'm really stupid, I'm not that smart. I've got you. So to have somebody believe in me that I do have a lot of intelligence helps me. You know, one of my weaknesses with this is not pushing forward, especially in my career being afraid. I'll fail. I won't understand that if I don't know everything. So that's something I got to work on. And my tools are therapy. I didn't want a diagnosis of autism or ADHD just to be someone to say, Hey, I've got this thing. And that's my identity. I wanted it because it can help me, it can help me move that therapy in the way that give me the tools to get through life as somebody who is different. It's not about cancelling out. It's, so if I have autism, how can I gear my life in a way where I focus on those gifts that I have that are so much more strong than people who don't have. How do I get into that deep channel where I am amazingly good better than most people in the world and harness them in the places I feel really uncomfortable? What are the coping mechanisms I can use that fit somebody who's neurodivergent so they work so I can still have healthy relationships? It is, maybe you don't see that with me doing this show and it's easy for me to chat. And it's more because I'm in control. I can talk one to one. But if you get me in a room full of people, let's say 20 people who listen to the show come up to me. You're kind of freak me out. That one people listen to the show and that it does something for you. And I'm not going to know what to say. And you're going to think this guy is a weird because that's how I'm going to come off because it's overwhelming for me. I want to have those social, I want to have those coping skills that in that's positive situation of dealing with people. I have the skills to get the most of it because I do want to have strong connections with other people. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to be alone. Life is wonderful when you're connected to other people and I'll say that is something with AA that is positive regardless of what you have as an AA member and there are a lot of strange people. Some are neurodiver, some are normal. Everybody in an AA room is a little weird. And there are a lot more accepting in the real world because we have this common problem. Regardless of what's going on in our head, the fact that we have a problem alcohol is the thing that is enough of a commonality that we can make that bond regardless of our age or sex or race. We have enough in common that now we can see and we can socialize together. Outside of that, I struggle, but I want to have those connections with people. I don't want to live a life alone. I will tell you another another. What's what is it? Strength I have. Empathy. And sometimes I've run away from this in my lifetime. I'm an empath. And I feel people's pain. I feel people's joys. And if I'm dealing with somebody who has a lot of pain, almost like hopeless pain, it is difficult for me not to absorb all of that. So I need those boundaries. But I will tell you one of those gifts I'm most proud of is I can empathize. And it allows me to communicate effectively with people that I can dig in and not bring it back to myself. But more ask about you. When I have guests on, that's the thing I leverage of I don't really want to bring it to me. I want to hear about you. And I can leverage that strength of being interested in knowledge. And that's not everybody and I'm when I see people who are not very empathetic. I struggle with it because it's something that comes easy to me. And I have to realize that's a superpower. Not everybody has it. So feel special that you can put yourself in somebody else's position and put yourself to the side for now. If you feel different from any way, maybe you are neurodivergent. Maybe you suspect neurodiversity. Maybe you just feel different because it's difficult in life to struggle without alcohol. You're not alone. There are a lot of us out here, and we have incredible strength in numbers. A diagnosis is not just a label for yourself, or a way to be a victim. A diagnosis can help you understand yourself. It doesn't define your worth, and I say that as somebody who's struggling with believing the phrase. In the more I believe the phrase, the more I'm going to get there, your sobriety is flexible. Find the tools that actually work for your brain. That could be AA therapy, church, podcast, individual coaching, whatever it is, and it could be multiple. I'm a big believer of AA and therapy and there's no reason you can't do multiple paths because whatever you're going to do to get sober is good. A lot of people live for AA is the most important thing in my life, no recovery is the most important thing in my life because from there, a good family life and being a good father lead from that. AA is a tool towards recovery, living in church basements isn't what I want to live for. I want to hear from you. If you've dealt with ADHD, autism, neurodivergence, I'd love to hear from you and I'd love to have you on the podcast. I'd love to interview your story, and you can put your name out as much as little as you can. Coming on this show as a guest, I'm going to put you in the best light. Thank you for being part of my journey. I do this podcast for me because it helps me stay sober and sane and if it helps you, it's the ultimate compliment I can have that I'm doing something to help just even one person. Recovery looks different for everybody. Don't compare yourself to somebody in an AA room who's something different. You can't, and you realize why don't I have that level of faith in God, why don't I feel as free and serene because recovery is different for everybody. I'd love for you to check out the sub-stack. I'm going to try and be more regular writing. There's been a lot going on and I'm definitely writing about this in a different way, kind of journaling my thoughts. But check it out and share it with somebody. Put your comments in there. Thank you for listening to me today. Thank you for letting me get something off my chest. I hope you have a wonderful day and week. We're going to see you next week. Bye everybody.