The True Meaning of Strength

We challenge the idea that “being strong” after loss means staying stoic and silent, and we name what real strength looks like when grief reshapes your life. With Ty Morgan from Cornerstone of Hope, we talk about presence, emotion, faith, and the practical ways support helps you heal without erasing the person you love.

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, we encourage you to reach out to organizations such as Cornerstone of Hope, which offer compassionate support and guidance.

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Transcript

Welcome And The “Be Strong” Myth

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Hello everyone, and welcome back to CC Airwaves. My name is Paige Matilla, and today we're going to be talking about something that so many people experience after loss, but don't always know how to put into words. When someone we love dies, we often hear the message: be strong. Be strong for your family, be strong for your kids, be strong so you can keep going. But what does that really mean? And more importantly, is that what we're actually supposed to do? So I'm joined today by Ty Morgan, Spiritual Care and Education Coordinator at Cornerstone of Hope. How are you doing today?

SPEAKER_01 1:04

I'm doing great. Pleased to be with you, Paige. Thanks for the opportunity.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

No problem. I'm so excited to have you here. We actually have him in the podcast studio. We haven't had a guest physically in this studio in a while, so it's really good to have someone here.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

It's good to be here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

So today we are going to explore the pressure people feel to hold it together, what happens when grief is pushed down, and the true meaning of what strength might look like in the middle of loss. So let's just get started. What does being strong in grief usually look like to people, Ty?

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Aaron Powell Thanks for asking. That is a great question. A lot of the folks that we work with at Cornerstone come in thinking that's what they need to be, to be strong for their families, their loved ones, or expecting them to keep it together, so to speak. And one of the things that I find a great joy in is helping people let go of expectations that are harmful or hurtful to them. Our society has perceived being strong as something like stoicism, you know, to be unemotional, you know, to kind of have all the emotions stuffed below the surface, but not to express them. In reality, I think being strong and a cornerstone, what we communicate is that strength is feeling and expressing the full range of emotions that we have. I think it takes a great deal of strength and courage to be able to articulate what we're feeling, what grief has caused us to experience internally and externally in our lives, rather than ignore it or put again push it below the surface. And it's overwhelming, and people are afraid of that. They feel like they're going to lose control. So being strong is not losing control, not letting the tears come, and sometimes not even talking about it, going through life as if nothing has ever happened. Being strong for a lot of people means going about my life just the way it was, as if the loss never occurred. In reality, again, I think the strongest people are those who allow themselves to feel and express the full range of emotions that comes with grief, which is all of the emotions, right? Grief encompasses every emotion that we could ever feel. You know, it involves both uh sadness as well as the other end of the continuum, the joys of relationship that we have.

Why We Feel Pressure To Perform

SPEAKER_00 3:30

And why do you think that there's so much pressure to be strong after a loss?

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Well, I mean, there's a lot of reasons for that. I think, you know, culturally, we have a misconception, I think, through uh leaders that we've had in the past, maybe in the church or even in uh politics, them setting that example. You know, there's famous funerals uh that have happened, like uh John F. Kennedy. I remember seeing the images of his wife, totally stoic, you know, not shedding a tear, just completely stonefaced, you know, and uh others in the church as well. That uh I remember a church I went to as a young boy, uh the minister lost his wife, and the way that he demonstrated what he said was courage was to keep right on going through ministry. And I think a lot of church leaders are like that, that we're just gonna keep doing things as they were, not letting this interrupt the mission. Um, you know, a lot of our society praises that, you know, progress, uh success in the objectives that we have before us, that to be a strong person, that to be a successful person means that nothing gets in the way of completing whatever the task is or the mission that we've uh put before us. When in reality, for most of us, what we need is to push pause, to say when a death occurs, this kind of rearranges priorities. Maybe that thing that we were pursuing or those objectives we were trying to complete are still important, but the timeline needs to be readjusted. And for a lot of folks, that doesn't seem like that is allowing them to continue to demonstrate the image of strength or courage or a strong leader. And for those of us who are looking to, which is most of us, the people that are in uh you know in charge of the churches or other uh areas of life, uh, if that's the example we're they're setting, we're following that. Also, just in a lot of families, you know, I remember being told as a young man uh when my father had an accident, he didn't die, but he lost a lot of his capabilities, that I was the man of the house. And for me, what I took from that was that I had to not show emotion, keep it all together, uh, and to be strong for my mother and my sister. Um and in some ways that hurt me, right? Because I wasn't able to feel or express all that I was feeling. And even with a lot of parents that we work with at Cornerstone, they are convinced that being strong is not showing the emotions that they feel. And so kids, myself included, learned from our parents that it wasn't okay to show emotion, that ultimately we have the misconception in our society that it's a sign of weakness. But again, I think the strongest people are those that are fully uh honest with themselves and allow themselves to feel all the emotions that come with grief.

Signs You Are Numbing Grief

SPEAKER_00 6:31

And what are some signs that someone might be suppressing their grief instead of processing it?

SPEAKER_01 6:37

Well, just one sign is just the lack of emotion in general. You know, if we close off the emotions of grief, we don't really get to pick and choose. We're either an individual that fully embraces emotions or one that doesn't. And so we don't get to just have joy and excitement. When we close off the emotions of grief, the negative ones or the hard ones that we feel, we're closing off all emotion. And those people kind of live detached from reality as it is. And they don't typically have any emotion whatsoever. They are very uh reserved. Um, they're again that word stoic, they're very stoic, they're very uh not present to the full reality of what's in front of them. And often that leads to a lot of isolation, you know, them kind of not only detaching themselves internally, but externally as well. And we see them maybe at family gatherings or at church or at work, uh, but there's something on the inside of them that isn't available to us. They've put up walls around their emotional self, which doesn't allow them to be fully engaged. Um, and probably one of the most predominant emotions that we'll see if people are closing themselves off to the emotions of grief is anger or resentment, uh, or or you know, just dissatisfied with life, um, not able to enjoy it because they've closed off the difficult emotions of sadness or uh even despair. You know, people don't like to feel that, so I'm just gonna close myself off to it. And that leads to not being able to feel the positive emotions as well. Just being able to enjoy a conversation and the joy of relationship, not being able to fully connect with coworkers or church members or family members because we've again built up those walls to not feel the uncomfortable emotions that come with the loss of a loved one.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

And how at Cornerstone of Hope do you kind of help break down those walls to help get to those individuals and help them process the loss instead of kind of avoiding those emotions?

SPEAKER_01 8:50

Well, one of the things that we really struggle with, I think as a society, and even me as an individual, is just being fully present to the reality as it is. Very often we live in the past or in the future, worrying about what's to come or concerned with what was. And with grief, certainly we want to embrace a lot of what was, the relationship, the memories. Uh, but what we have to learn to do is be fully present to this moment, to this reality as is. And when we allow people to slow down, uh, we're a very busy society. We live very hurried. Some psychologists have labeled um this hurriedness that we live as hurry sickness. And there's a lot of research out there that demonstrates um how we've kind of all been infected with that. We see it in how we drive or even how we do our work or in relationship. We're in a hurry to move on or to move the conversation forward. Very rarely do people uh find the time in their day to sit with, to slow down enough to be present to what's going on internally in their lives. And so when I'm in a counseling room with an individual or in a support group with people, we just take time, first of all, to connect to our bodies. We do a lot of breath work, uh stabilization and grounding exercises, to be in the room. Uh what do you feel right now? Feel the chair beneath your body. Notice your breath and start to pay attention to the breath coming in and out of your body. Notice the temperature of the room. And then we move on to well, what are the emotions that are present with you in this room right now? And we just let them start to name some of those. And as they name them, they start to feel them. And as we name them and as we are present to them, then we can metabolize them. But if we're not aware of them and certainly not present to them, we can't metabolize them, we can't process them. And again, a lot of people are just in that routine of avoiding them or moving so fast, or just excessive busyness. I would say that's probably the go-to for most people. How can I get right back to work? How can I take on all the task around the home and just stay busy so that I'm not present to or feel all that I am feeling truly because of the loss, which again, a lot of that is so uncomfortable and at times overwhelming. Um, so that busyness at times can serve a purpose and be helpful. So it's not inherently bad to be a little bit busy, but when it consumes our lives and we're busy 100% of the time, it becomes a detriment to us and hurts us. So one of the phrases that I really like, I got this from a lady named Brene Brown. She's a social worker, she's kind of a famous social worker, books and stuff in Target and has a documentary on Netflix. Uh but to hold space with people, to hold space with them. And if we are present to them and allow them to be present to themselves and hold that space, the moments can even become sacred because they become healing. That ground becomes a space where as they're feeling and present to all that's on the inside, they start to process. And then little bits of healing comes in, a little bit at a time. But as they develop a routine of that, coming back to sessions or coming back to group, you see more and more of that grief as begin to uh they begin to feel it as well as process it.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

That's a really great quote. Uh I think that's something that I need to do in general, not even relating to grief. Uh, do you know what her documentary on Netflix is called?

SPEAKER_01 12:37

I can't remember right now, but if you just type it into the search bar, I think she only has one right now, and it'll certainly pop up.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

And it'll pop up. Yeah. That's a great.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

She also has a great TED Talk as well. And I'm sorry I don't remember the name of that either. Um but again, Google's a great tool. And if you uh just search her uh name and uh the Netflix special as well as her TED Talk, they'll pop up.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

And I'll definitely take a look online and I'll add it to our description below if I can find it. But as you said, Google's a great tool.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

So I hope that's yes, and I do remember the name of one of the books uh that she wrote about a lot of this and it's called Atlas of the Heart. So Brene Brown Atlas of the Heart, uh, was which is where a lot of the content from the TED Talk and the Netflix special comes from.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

Now getting back to uh grief and strength, uh is there a difference between being strong and avoiding your emotions?

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Yeah, I mean I I think it's for any person, strength in my opinion, and what I think all of the staff at Cornerstone would agree, strength is actually finding the courage to face the emotions, which allows us to process again and metabolize those. That truly is the image of strength that we need. Strength is not running from them. And I tell my clients all the time, it takes a tremendous amount of strength for you to come to Cornerstone and to ask for help. We're not gonna get better on life's journey unless we ask for help. We're not biologically, psychologically wired to do it alone. You know, uh the Bible has taught this, and priests and pastors have taught this, wisdom teachers have taught this for years, but now we have brain scans that just can show us with a picture the brain functions most optimally in connection to others. So it is a strength to ask for help. Truly, you are a strong person if you feel all of the emotions that life gives us. And ultimately, you're a strong person if you honor your loved one's memory. I don't think we're honoring our loved one's memory when we shut down the grief, when we push back the memories that we have of them, or when we avoid it. Our loved ones deserve to be remembered, and it is a tremendous source of current tremendous source of strength that people demonstrate when they honor them, when they talk about them, when they process the emotions that come with them. So it's kind of like flipping it uh around that crying is a weakness, no, crying is a strength. Feeling all of our emotions is a weakness, no, feeling all of our emotions is a strength. And a lot of people feel empowered by that when I I myself feel empowered by that. But certainly our clients at Cornerstone are greatly empowered when they say, you know, thank you. I want to remember them. But I've been told by my family, by my place of work, or sometimes even by our churches, that resiliency or moving forward looks like not really expressing all of this, or continuing to complete the task at hand, or doing our jobs in such a way that we go right through all of the task without missing a beat. Sometimes strength is asking for help. Sometimes strength is taking a time out and saying, I can't do all of this right now. I need to set aside some of these tasks, some of these objectives, and pay attention to what's going on on the inside of me. And that that also honors our loved ones' memories. People all the time need to remember and honor their loved ones' remember uh memory. And often that involves feeling all of the emotions.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

And what happens when grief is pushed down or ignored over a long period of time?

SPEAKER_01 16:32

So unfortunately, for a lot of people, that can become a pathological disorder. If we are in the habit of neglecting and ignoring all of the emotions that we have and not being fully present to our emotions and expressing them, it often leads to depression or anxiety, even pathologically, in the sense that people can truly become diagnosable with whatever they're experiencing because of ignoring grief. Um, and I've seen a lot of people that have gone that down that path and become clinically depressed or clinically anxious. Um people, you know, sometimes confuse, you know, grief and depression. The manifestation of grief looks a lot like depression or even anxiety at times, but it they're very different, and that's probably another podcast where we could process those differences. Yeah. But ultimately, if we're not willing to feel all of our emotions, it begins to become a detriment to our well-being and to our health. And for a lot of people, they do develop a pathological disorder like depression or anxiety. Ultimately, what will happen for most people is they'll reach a breaking point. We can hold so much because we do have a capacity to hold a lot. Um, but eventually life catches up with everybody. And that breaking point can look like, you know, uh excessive weaking uh weeping, it can look like an uncontrollable burst of grief that we can't even manage anymore. We're just at work or with our family or at church, and the crying just pushes itself upon us and we have no control over it anymore. Um or anger. Anger is one of those things that we see people become very bitter and resent, uh resentful in life. And people that are very angry and very bitter at life typically typically have been stuffing a lot of emotions that they haven't processed. And again, it hurts them and it hurts their loved ones because they are not able to, again, be present, but they're angry all the time. Or they're resenting people who are enjoying life. They can't enjoy it anymore, so they become bitter about life and resentful of those who do find satisfaction in life. It's better for all of us if on the front end we go through the grieving process, feel all of the emotions, and avoid becoming uh depressed. Uh avoid becoming someone who has uncontrollable emotions that they can't manage anymore, or becoming angry, uh, that life has wronged them. A lot of people end up living as victims, you know, that life has done me wrong, uh, life is so unfair, um you know, nothing is good or ever will be good. And not being able to enjoy any parts of life or relationship is often a symptom of people stuffing all of those emotions.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

And to avoid that, when should someone seek out grief support resources, kind of like the ones that Cornerstone of Hope offers?

SPEAKER_01 19:51

Well, it's never too early and it's never too late. You know, I have a lot of people that come maybe years after the loss, and you know, I just tell them it's not too late for you to have come. It's great that you're here now. The important thing is that you are here now. But I recommend reaching out immediately. And that starts with family and friends, right? Reach out to the people that you can trust that are willing to listen. And sometimes it's hard to find people that are willing to listen. A lot of people are afraid of it and haven't dealt with it themselves, so they don't uh uh find the strength within themselves to be present to others who are going through it. But Cornerstone in those early days can help people initially deal with the acute grief and the crisis of grief, where people are trying to put together uh the pieces of their lives, uh plan funerals, um, manage family responsibilities, go back to work, um, readjust priorities, uh, figure out what moving forward looks like uh for them at work and in the home, how to manage difficult relationships, how to be present to their grief, and develop a routine of processing it daily and metabolizing it daily so that it doesn't become detrimental to their health or uh becomes a pathological disorder. You know, another thing I should have mentioned before, a lot of times, not just pathological pathological disorders, but substance abuse and use, a lot of times people will engage in a lot of um self-destructive behaviors if they haven't processed their grief. So cornerstone and making that call earlier, sooner than later, uh joining other support groups in the community, whether that's monthly or weekly. Lots of churches have them, Catholic uh cemeteries have them. Um and any source of support that you get sooner than later is going to equip you to walk this journey in a healthy way.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

And would you say that? That maybe one of the hesitations that people have with seeking out these grief support resources is they may be portrayed as weak or not strong?

SPEAKER_01 22:08

Yeah, unfortunately there's still a strong stigma associated with mental health support. I think we're better at that than a society. You know, I'm not that that old. I've been in the field maybe almost 20 years now, but even in that time, I've seen more people willing to talk about it and to accept it. You know, just in general, there are a lot more people going to counseling. There's resources like BetterHelp that, you know, are telehealth where you can be right in your living room. So for one, it's just more available. And two, people I think are more comfortable with it. We see it on Facebook posts or Instagram. Hey, I went to counseling today and had a great session. Or just talking about after the fact, you know, I saw a counselor and I'm so grateful that I did because I'm healthier today. So, yes, there's still a stigma with it, and some people still feel that pressure. Um, but I think a lot of people are seeing more and more that it's not a weakness, it is a strength, but it still certainly exists in our society today. Another piece of that is the faith element. I think a lot of times people have the idea that if I just rely on God enough, He'll give me all I need to get through it. Now, certainly God will give us all that we need to get through it, but God designed us to receive support. He designed us to need to ask for others to help us on the journey. So if we're only relying on God in isolation, we could be hurting ourselves. We need to rely on God and others. And often that involves a professional. Because a lot of times our family and friends aren't equipped to deal, especially when it comes to trauma. And that would probably be another podcast as well. What does it look like when grief is traumatic or how to handle grief that is traumatic grief? But a normal grief process, typically there are family and friends in your life that can support you through it. But pretty often do we find ourselves without all the support that we need. I would say the majority of folks, um, if not all, could certainly benefit from the help of Cornerstone, a mental health therapist, um, and certainly support groups. Um, peer-led, yes, but professionally led in many cases would be necessary. And again, if we can say even those that have the strongest of faith, reaching out for help, it's not saying God's not enough. It's just acknowledging that God rewired us to need others on the Christian journey.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

And on that topic of faith, are there any moments in scripture or spiritual teachings that kind of show us that it's okay not to be okay?

SPEAKER_01 25:05

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, certainly in the Old Testament we see it. Um God asked the Israelites repeatedly to remember. To remember. Remember what he has done for them. Remember what you've come through, remember the loss that you have endured. And he would even give them rituals and different uh ceremonies that they could do to regularly remember. Or Jeremiah, known as the weeping prophet, right? He modeled that for the Israelites, right? It's okay to weep. What we're going through is painful. And all through the New Testament, there are numerous examples, but the best example is Jesus. You know, the shortest scripture in the Bible, uh, Jesus wept, right? He went to Lazarus and Mary and Martha and met them in that grief, and he too expressed that grief. He didn't condemn them for their grief. He encouraged them to continue to express it and even joined in them with that. Jesus was uh emotional, and we saw a response in him when he heard that John had died, right? When Herod beheaded John. Uh Jesus showed an emotional response then. Uh certainly in the Garden of Gethsemane we see Jesus uh feeling a level of suffering that I don't know that many do. And in that moment, he certainly expressed all his grief and invited his disciples to support him in that. Um and certainly we see on the cross the grief that he expressed. Um then he would go away regularly, I think on the mountaintop uh or wherever he would go at times. Part of his prayer life, I think, often was expressing and feeling the grief. There's also a time where he's up on the Mount of Olives and he's looking over Jerusalem and he's grieving for Jerusalem. So the examples are numerous. And just Jesus being our best example, if the Son of God needed to grieve, then certainly us as humans need to be uh experiencing grief and feeling the confidence uh to express it and and to go through the full range of emotions that it that it involves. But Jesus ultimately being our examples, our example demonstrated for us that to be the healthiest humans we can be, we have to feel it, express it, and certainly acknowledge it. And Jesus again, I think um supporting people in their grief uh is a wonderful image of what he does for us in our grief. You know, God comes to us in our grief, doesn't condemn us, shame us, ridicule us, but rather says, feel it and tell me what it feels like. Express all that you feel to me. And it's a wonderful pathway to deepening our relationship with God. Grief is a great pathway to deepen our experience of God's presence, his healing power, and feeling uh uh the fullness of all of his promises.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

You know, when I think of strength and grief, uh one of my first thoughts is Mark and Christy Trapoti, who are the founders of Cornerstone of Hope. I mean, I had them on the podcast a few years ago, and just talking to them about their story and how they founded Cornerstone of Hope after the loss of their son and seeing that need in the community for more grief support for families for specific losses or for specific reasons. It's just something that I always think about. And so yeah, they are amazing. Um can you share a story of when you saw someone truly strong in their grief and maybe how it didn't look like what people expected?

SPEAKER_01 28:58

Yeah, uh so many examples. I I can think of so many people I've met at Cornerstone. And Mark and Christy are a great example of that. And I tell them pretty regularly, you know, I am inspired by their leadership that they continue to honor their son's life through the work at Cornerstone and then just in their everyday life as mothers and fathers and family members and friends. But there are so many people. There's one lady, I won't, you know, say her name, but uh she had lost her son to an accidental overdose. And he had um struggled for many years with addiction and had done a lot of things that you know I think a lot of moms would not want to share that their children had done stealing and and robbing people, uh, burning bridges, um, and just substance abuse in general, you know, and and this individual was using a lot of hard drugs, you know, certainly alcohol and marijuana, but cocaine, heroin, and others. Um but she faced the reality of her grief and honored her son's life. She came to Cornerstone and right away did not hide from her son's struggles. Um I was a counselor for her, I was assigned to her. Um, and uh in my first session with her, she, you know, didn't hide any of the reality. She fully expressed all that her son had done, uh, the disappointment that she had with some of the things that he had engaged in, uh, but still said, you know, that's my son. I'm still proud to be his mother. I'm not going to walk away from the reality of what he did or the disease that he had. And I'm not going to make excuses for the people that he hurt or make excuses for the way that he hurt me. She felt her grief. She felt the grief from her son not being what she had hoped he would be. As a mother, I imagine her holding that little baby and all the hopes and dreams that she had for him, and then at a very young age, him getting addicted and struggling with uh certainly mental illness as well as substance abuse. But to embrace that and to honor him, saying to me many times, My son deserves to be remembered. His story deserves to be told. And she went on to create a not a foundation, but uh like uh an organization in honor of him where she provided monthly support groups and literature about substance abuse and uh getting people help and created a connection to resources that were out there. Um, and then, you know, would go around to churches and other agencies that were willing to have her to talk about his story. You know, that's a wonderful example of not only embracing her grief and honoring her story, as well as honoring her son who had made a lot of mistakes, burned a lot of bridges, and certainly made some choices that she wasn't always proud of, asked for help, didn't hide the reality of her grief or her son's story, and then created an organization that shared his story on the website, um, and then got others help that were dealing with substance abuse, and provided support to people who were grieving, and then goes around and talks about it. You know, then that's a tremendous uh amount of strength I take I think that it takes for her to continue to tell the story of her son, even though he had made a lot of mistakes again and burned a lot of bridges. And that has to be so hard for a mother to see the pain that her child caused others. But she embraced that her son had a disease. She embraced that the grief that she is feeling needs to be felt, and again, honored his story and hers by continuing to share that. And I told her many times she inspired me. And that's her coming to Cornerstone, asking for help, and telling her story and her son's story is an inspiration to me.

unknown 33:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:24

I remember when I was in high school, uh, one of my soccer teammates had passed away by suicide. And we had a soccer game that was in honor of her, you know, we all wore purple, her favorite color. And I remember her parents coming to the soccer game. And I remember just thinking about how strong they were to show up and to talk about her and to, you know, talk to all of us. And so sometimes I think it's even just as simple as showing up for your deceased loved one.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

That's exactly right. Yep. Showing up uh in many areas, right? Showing up to your family, showing up at work, or showing up at places that are honoring them, or showing up at places that are trying to gather and raise awareness about suicide or drug addiction or grief in general. And a lot of people, right, are uh do show strength through that, but inspire us by doing that.

Final Takeaways And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 34:18

Well, is there anything you'd like to add about this topic before we finish up?

SPEAKER_01 34:23

Well, first of all, thank you for an opportunity to talk about this because I think any time that we can better advocate for and continue to push the message forward of uh stoicism is not does not equal strength. It is okay to be stoic sometimes, but strength is actually feeling and expressing the full emotional experience that comes with grief or other areas of life. Tears are not a weakness. To shed a tear is a strength. To talk about your loved one even years after the loss is a sign of strength and honors them. All of us can do ourselves and our loved ones uh well uh and um honor their stories and our stories by expressing the emotions, telling the stories, uh, and inviting others into their grief by demonstrating that courage and strength by feeling and expressing all that comes with the grief journey.

SPEAKER_00 35:32

That was so beautifully said. Thank you so much, Ty, and thank you so much for joining us and sharing your insight on this topic. If you're listening today and you feel like you've been trying to carry everything on your own, I really hope that this episode has given you permission to let that go and that you don't have to be strong all the time. You just have to take the next step and you don't have to do it alone. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, we encourage you to reach out to organizations such as Cornerstone of Hope, uh, where compassionate support and guidance are available. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of CCR Waves. Until next time, take care of yourself and God bless.