Have you ever wondered why men don't call back, disappear into thin air, or can’t commit? Today, we will uncover the most common mistakes women make and how to avoid them. In honor of Valentine's Day, "aka" (National Single Awareness Day), and Shot@Love's 3rd anniversary, we have the greatest guest imaginable. Dr. John Gray! Dr. John Gray is the most well-known relationship expert in the world! He's the author of the highly acclaimed, widely popular, and most trusted relationship book of all time; Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the 10 most influential books of the last quarter-century. In hardcover, it was the bestselling book of the 90s. Dr. Gray's books are translated into over 45 languages in more than 100 countries, and it continues to be a bestseller.
Dr. Gray has written over twenty books, his most recent is Beyond Mars and Venus. His books have forever changed the way men and women view their relationships. John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. He has appeared repeatedly on Oprah, as well as on The Dr. Oz Show, Today, CBS this Morning, Good Morning America, and others. He has been profiled in Time, Forbes, USA Today, and People. He was also the subject of a three-hour special hosted by the late Barbara Walters.
Today we'll learn how to manage our emotions, approach dating and relationships differently, and stop sabotaging ourselves. Dr. John Gray will point us in the right direction and show us how to win over our potential partner so we can avoid pain and experience more love.
Kerry Brett and Dr. John Gray cover a lot of ground. Topics include;
Why men are attracted to women who are happy, and how do you stay happy do more of what you love.
Why men are more motivated when they feel they are needed.
Why men get close but need to pull away.
The best times to have a conversation with a man.
How men and women keep score differently.
Ways to score points with both women and men.
The power of being direct and using few words.
Men are motivated to make you happy. Men expect you to be happy and don’t want someone who’s always unhappy or complaining. Just having a good time is the greatest gift a man can receive.
Women often hand their power over to men, which is a worthiness issue. Know that you are desirable and worthy, and you don’t have to earn it.
Men want to feel accepted and appreciated. Women need to trust that a man is doing his best, and when you accept and appreciate him, you give him the fuel and motivation to do more.
John’s course “How to Get Everything You Want in Relationships For Women, Men, Couples, and Singles” https://marsvenus.com/gift. John has an upcoming two-day class that will change your life on March 4-5. It’s limited to just 40 seats, so click the link to claim yours! https://www.marsvenus.com/relationship-weekend
Follow on social media www.twitter.com/marsvenus, www.facebook.com/Mars.Venus.John.Gray, www.instagram.com/johngraymarsvenus_official/
Have you ever wondered why men don't call back, disappear into thin air, or can’t commit? Today, we will uncover the most common mistakes women make and how to avoid them. In honor of Valentine's Day, "aka" (National Single Awareness Day), and Shot@Love's 3rd anniversary, we have the greatest guest imaginable. Dr. John Gray! Dr. John Gray is the most well-known relationship expert in the world! He's the author of the highly acclaimed, widely popular, and most trusted relationship book of all time; Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the 10 most influential books of the last quarter-century. In hardcover, it was the bestselling book of the 90s. Dr. Gray's books are translated into over 45 languages in more than 100 countries, and it continues to be a bestseller.
Dr. Gray has written over twenty books, his most recent is Beyond Mars and Venus. His books have forever changed the way men and women view their relationships. John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. He has appeared repeatedly on Oprah, as well as on The Dr. Oz Show, Today, CBS this Morning, Good Morning America, and others. He has been profiled in Time, Forbes, USA Today, and People. He was also the subject of a three-hour special hosted by the late Barbara Walters.
Today we'll learn how to manage our emotions, approach dating and relationships differently, and stop sabotaging ourselves. Dr. John Gray will point us in the right direction and show us how to win over our potential partner so we can avoid pain and experience more love.
Kerry Brett and Dr. John Gray cover a lot of ground. Topics include;
Why men are attracted to women who are happy, and how do you stay happy do more of what you love.
Why men are more motivated when they feel they are needed.
Why men get close but need to pull away.
The best times to have a conversation with a man.
How men and women keep score differently.
Ways to score points with both women and men.
The power of being direct and using few words.
Men are motivated to make you happy. Men expect you to be happy and don’t want someone who’s always unhappy or complaining. Just having a good time is the greatest gift a man can receive.
Women often hand their power over to men, which is a worthiness issue. Know that you are desirable and worthy, and you don’t have to earn it.
Men want to feel accepted and appreciated. Women need to trust that a man is doing his best, and when you accept and appreciate him, you give him the fuel and motivation to do more.
John’s course “How to Get Everything You Want in Relationships For Women, Men, Couples, and Singles” https://marsvenus.com/gift. John has an upcoming two-day class that will change your life on March 4-5. It’s limited to just 40 seats, so click the link to claim yours! https://www.marsvenus.com/relationship-weekend
Follow on social media www.twitter.com/marsvenus, www.facebook.com/Mars.Venus.John.Gray, www.instagram.com/johngraymarsvenus_official/
I am Carrie Brett , and this is Shot At Love. Have you ever wondered why men don't call back, disappear into thin air or can't commit? Today, we will uncover the most common mistakes women make and how to avoid them In honor of Valentine's Day, a k, a national single Awareness Day and shot at Love's third anniversary, we have the greatest guest imaginable, Dr. John Gray. Dr. John Gray is the most well-known relationship expert in the world. He's the author of the Highly acclaimed, wildly popular and most trusted relationship book of All Time . Men Are from Mars and women are from Venus. USA today listed his book as one of the 10 most influential books of the last quarter century In hardcover, it was the number one bestselling book of the nineties. Dr. Gray's books are translated in over 45 languages and more than a hundred countries and continues to be a bestseller. Dr. Gray has written over 20 books. His most recent is Beyond Mars and Venus. His books have forever changed the way men and women view their relationships. John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences and both personal and professional relationships. He has appeared repeatedly on Oprah as well as the Dr. Oz show today. CBS's morning, good Morning America and others. He has been profiled in time, Forbes, USA Today and People. He was also the subject of a three hour special hosted by the late Barbara Walters. Today we will learn how to manage our emotions, approach dating and relationships differently, and stop sabotaging ourselves. Dr. John Gray will point us in the right direction and show us how to win over our potential partner so we can avoid pain and experience more love. So without further ado, welcome Dr. John Gray. Hi, John .
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. I'm happy to be with you
Speaker 1:Now. You've been studying relationships your whole life and in your Ted Talk, you said when you go out to dinner, you can tell if a man is on a date or if he is married. I thought that was so funny. Tell the listeners why you said that.
Speaker 2:Well, because if you're married, you've already seen your wife <laugh> , that woman walking by <laugh> . Uh, if you're married, you'll see her and not your wife. But if you're on a date and you haven't yet seen this woman undressed , uh, you're waiting to to see her, you're waiting to see all of her. It's still interesting. It's new. It's different, right? Whereas familiarity , uh, literally demotivates men. And that's so important for women to understand in the dating process and getting married, is that we have unrealistic expectations and they can all be adjusted. Okay? But men anticipate a woman to always be happy because you just call her and that's nothing. And she's happy, right? You take her out to dinner and she's so happy. So we get this idea that women are easy to please and that they're always happy. They're not, and they're not always easy to please <laugh> , right? And then in the beginning of a relationship, there's this newness factor which stimulates testosterone. First, it makes dopamine the motivation, but actually that motivation is because it stimulates testosterone in men. And testosterone ma makes 'em motivated to please you to do things, to be interested in you, to focus on you. Once familiarity sets in or he is already achieved his goal, then that motivation's gone. Right? So it's a very , uh, unrealistic expectation that women have that if he loves me, he will always be motivated. He right? Interpretation, according to my history, working with people is if he loves you, he may lose his motivation. But there are communication skills that you can learn as a woman to motivate him. And just as in the dating process, there are communication skills that we'll talk about today, which will motivate him to get to know you better and want to know you better, and want to make a commitment with you if he is the right person for you. Right? So it's not about you trying to be the right person for him. It's about motivate him to see and experience if you're the right person. And that's only if you think he's the right person. So there's a dynamic there of motivating men is something that's within a woman's power. But if she doesn't use her power, men quickly lose motivation. Like the guy who takes you on a date and you're just hoping to have a relationship with him. 'cause he is so amazing. And so you open up and you have sex with him, and he doesn't even know you yet. He doesn't call back. He did that. He climbed that mountain. What , what else is there? Right? He goes onto the new adventure, the new challenge. So it's learning how to create intimacy before you let yourself get sexual is another part of allowing love to grow. But our men, they have to realize that women aren't gonna be happy with you doing nothing. 'cause in the beginning, dating, he really doesn't do that much. Once he starts to commit to you and he is more involved with you, he will start to feel like, okay, I won the race. Why do I have to do it again? I made my million dollars. Why do I have to work now? And that is, that's a , a dynamic that's inevitable. It will happen sometimes faster or slower with different men. But how can you keep him motivated? So there's a , a role that a woman plays. After all, it's a woman who turns a man on <laugh> and a man who turns a woman on. We, we have an effect turning on. A woman is creating happiness in her attraction. She's more attracted to me. And a woman knowing how to motivate a man, he's gonna be more attracted to her. So that's kind of some basics about men and women. And without understanding those powers that we have, dating is a struggle, is very hard. You don't know what's going on. How do I get what I want? It's confusing.
Speaker 1:So you talk about this motivation and focus, and you liken it to having the energy of cleaning your house before you have guests over. And you're like, okay, I'm super motivated to do that. I think that's really good because it shows that you can get a guy motivated. But I think too often women hand their power over to men. And that's a worthiness thing. And I think it's a big mistake. And you wanna keep them motivated, which is like slow and steady wins the race. Don't give them everything when you just meet them.
Speaker 2:Harry , you said the most wise thing any woman could ever learn and easier said than done, okay, <laugh>, it is a , a worthiness issue. And some women kind of go, what? Not all women will relate to that. But the way you can find out that it's an worthiness issue is because you find yourself trying to earn his affection, trying to earn his love, rather than just being relaxed. And know that being yourself, you are desirable. You are worthy, and you don't have to really earn it. Right? So this whole idea of earning just that , a little subset of that is, I know a lot of women today, whether they're conscious of it or not, if a man takes them on a date and he pays a lot for the date or whatever, she feels a sense of obligation that now I owe him something. And that might even be in terms of going out with him again. Or could be in terms of sexual favors. Uh, I think that pressure on women today, because we've become so open and free, actually keeps women from dating to a certain extent, is I don't wanna have to un undress in front of another man. <laugh>, there's like this pressure that if you're in with a modern society, you're gonna have sex right away. 'cause there's so much pressure to do that. That's one. But then add to that, just simply going out on a date and letting him do everything for you, that creates this a natural reciprocity. So I wanna just help women out here. If you allow a man to do something for you that you enjoy, you already paid him back. There's a reciprocity. And just being happy, just being grateful, just having a good time. You've given him the most important gift a man can receive. Say , this is really important. You don't have to do more. You know , we'll split the bill. Well, you just basically cut off any possibility of connection. Even if you have way more money than him, you allow him to pay the bill , so to speak, allows you to then feel a sense of reciprocity, which is, I appreciate that. That's a good gesture. That's really nice of you. And it , it puts you in a feminine energy. Receptivity is a feminine energy. And selflessness providing is a masculine energy. Now , these are all paradoxical. I know that we often think of women as being so giving, but actually, think about it. Whenever a woman is unhappy in a relationship, what does she say? I give and give and give <laugh>. I'm not giving back. So giving is not its own reward, right? For a man he behaves. And what he wants is to feel appreciated. And as long as he can feel appreciated, he's fine doing more. But for a woman, imagine you're giving to your husband and you're just doing everything. He says, gosh, this is so great. You do so much for me. I can just sit around, watch tv and honey, would you bring me a beer? And I forgot, I can't find my remote control. Would you get that from me? And you get it from me. I call my friend on the phone and say, wow, my wife's great. I don't have to do anything at home. She does everything. Honey , would you bring me another beer? See, she'll just come right away. <laugh> , right ? How many women are gonna be happy with that? Right? Right. He appreciates you, but he doesn't partner with you. He's not thinking of you. He's just thinking of himself, right? And so with men, we will thrive on a woman appreciating what we do. We die when what we do is not appreciated. Women need respect. And you can't get respect unless you first have that worthiness issue. Look at yourself and say, well, I don't have to earn it. I already deserve it. That's what respect is. It's set. I honor you. You don't have to give me something. I'm gonna do this for you. I respect you. Easy way to understand the real meaning of respect is your children are crying in the night. You , you nurture them because you respect their needs. You realize they can't do it for themselves. So I'm gonna do it for them. If I'm driving my car, I'm gonna respect the speed limit to a certain degree, because that's what we've all agreed upon. And so I'm gonna give up my urge to drive a hundred and bring it down to 70. That's out of respect. We don't really understand that word so much that the discernment between appreciation and respect, because they, they're so close together. You know , if I appreciate you, I'll respect you. And if I respect you, it's because I appreciate you. But they're two different forces, right? And when you as a woman, appreciate what a man can do, accept what he can't do, and trust that he's doing his best for you, that he cares. You're giving him a huge amount of fuel to motivate him to do more. Oh, I like that. Same thing for the men . You know, when you demonstrate a sense of selflessness and caring for her over yourself, when you take time to understand her point of view over your own point of view, you know, men are so much in a hurry to express what they think, how they solve the problem, and whatever it is, as opposed to take the time to ask more questions and understand her point of view. As good as you might understand your own. See, these are all things that says to a woman that she's included, that she's cared for, that she's a priority, that she's safe. So caring, understanding her, behaving in a way that respects her with that understanding and that caring is what a man can win over any woman. We sort of need to know our direction to go in. The reason I point out what men can do is that's often what women do, and it doesn't win them any points, right? They show, oh, I care about you. You know, what was it old fashioned before we had the little button in your hand that you could open the doors. You know, you just click your button and now you just walk to your car and it opens up. But it used to be what guys would say is, go open her door. And then when you go around to your door, if she reaches across uncomfortably to pull the little unlock button for you, then you go, okay, tonight I'm gonna score. Okay? Which means she's easy. And that means he doesn't respect you. See, it's, he's not gonna respect you. But if you're not so easy, it forces him to go, oh, I can't get what I want. I have to think about what you want. It teaches a man. It gives him the opportunity to honor you above himself, his own impulsiveness. And when it comes to sex is completely impulsive, men are like, you know, if I have the opportunity, I'll go for it. For the immature man, it's just his impulsiveness. Let's, that's what his body is telling him. Let's go for that. And if a woman gives into that, she's not respecting herself unless she's also wanting that. But I'll have to just say, for many women who are impulsive around sex, and some women say, well, I want sex right away, I basically say, okay, if everything's working and your relationships and you're getting what you want, that's fine. But if you're suddenly saying, why am I not having a guy who stays with me? Why am I not getting a husband who'll stay committed to me? It's because you haven't honored yourself. Not just biologically, I look at that sometimes, but just metaphorically. Women are in their head. First, you have to feel kind of a nakedness in your mind, in your head with somebody that, and then allows you to become a bit more naked in your heart, where you can express what you feel, what you think, and emo your emotions, but also what you wish and what you want. And you can ask what you want, and you get it, and you feel safe with somebody. So getting naked in your mind, naked in your heart, feeling worthy in both places, validated in both places, then get naked in your body. <laugh>, right? It , it's a , it's a balance. And for a man, he doesn't start in his head. All he needs is opportunity. And he's down south. That's why you don't want him to , to gratify the need down south until he is also experiencing emotional fulfillment with you. And then he is experienced a mental fulfillment with you, which he respects, admires your own thinking and so forth. So it is getting to know somebody before you have sex. And this is all just trying to free women from this promiscuous message of society today, which is, you're not with it unless you have sex right away. Just 'cause you feel like you wanna have sex. Not always a good idea.
Speaker 1:You know, so often women set it up incorrectly and then they're not getting what they want, but they've trained the man to how to treat them and what they'll tolerate. So there's the respect that goes out the window. There's the challenge that goes out the window and then they wonder why they're moving on. Well, you didn't start this in the right way, <laugh>,
Speaker 2:You know, when, when women hear me talk about all these things, they kind of go, okay, well, can I undo what I've done? And the answer is, many times , yes. Oh , you can retrain a man. Okay? So <laugh> , you made some mistakes. Anybody reads my books or hears me talk? It's real natural. Oh my God, I did that. I did that, I did that. So let's just take one example on a date. Often a woman will give to a man what she instinctively knows she would like. Just to make that point. In the beginning of my marriage with Bonnie, this was 38 years ago or something, we're , we're dating. Uh, she didn't like bubbly water, okay? She just didn't, she didn't like champagne. Anything with bubbles in it, she didn't like. And I love that. Okay? So we're different. We're different. We'd be on trips together and I'd pull in a convenience store and I would realize, okay, she doesn't like champagne, but I'll get her martinelli's apple juice, which was bubbly apple juice. And she would always, Sean , I don't like bubbles. I just thought , gimme some water. That's all <laugh> . But I kept doing this and it was so annoying and irritating term . Finally, she accepted, this was a big part of our relationship, is we learned to accept our differences and not blame each other when the differences showed up. But to remind our partners of what we like and what we want. And I remember it was our five-year anniversary where I got this little nice little getaway place. And they said, oh, would you like champagne? It's your anniversary. We have a , a beautiful way of presenting it. I said, no, my wife doesn't drink. And then they said, oh, well how about martinelli's apple juice, <laugh> and , and champagne bottle? And I said, oh, that sounds great. So here we were on our anniversary and romantic five years married. And I showed her the bottle and did it. We had champagne glasses. It was so sweet. This time she didn't get angry with me. She just took a little slip and I did . Oh, that's right, you don't like bubble . And she says, it's okay. The thought that counts. It's so nice. Okay. So that , that was very sweet. So she also practiced something inside of herself, which is a sense of generosity, of accepting. He's not always gonna remember. And just because he doesn't remember bubbles doesn't mean he forgets me. Women particularly, they tend to personalize things and then extrapolate from that. So one of the annoying things from Bonnie in our marriage was I would leave the lights on, I'd walk through a room, use it, and just walk out. And you know, she's upset about that. Now, the first 10 times, she's not that upset about it 'cause it's not a big deal. But if it keeps happening, it becomes a big deal. And then for me, it's like looking at her without understanding why she's upset. I'm gonna think, why is she making a big deal out of this? Well, it's because emotionally an emotional level doesn't always have a lot of logic. But there is a logic if he won't do little things, what if I have a big need? Mm-Hmm . And he resists that. So that must mean he doesn't really love me. Just 'cause he doesn't turn out the light switch. As opposed to, well, that's just something he's not gonna be able to do that easily <laugh> , right? But the big stuff, he'll do that 'cause he does do the big stuff. So a woman will discount a man's love when he does the big stuff because he didn't do a little thing. Now, having said that, what men don't understand little things make a big difference to women. See, we look at things differently. Mm . At Valentine's Day, you get a card, it's not a big deal. Go to the store, pick out a card. It's from you. Bring some flowers and plan a date . You don't have to do that every weekend. <laugh> just once a year. But women were open , like holding out when Valentine's Day comes . Well, let's see if he still loves me like he used to. 'cause they need validation. And you know, some men will say, well, every day is a holiday. Every day is a Valentine's Day for us. No, it's not. You know, rituals and holidays, they all make sense. Like birthdays, I don't need, everybody tell me they love me all the time. But it's nice to hear something on my birthday or anniversaries for our marriage. Valentine's Day, I'm not sure about this, but I think they're putting Super Bowl on Valentine's Day this year. <laugh> , I'm not sure. Wow . Or maybe they're really close. Super Bowl is man's romantic holiday, which is just serve me chips while I watch the game. <laugh> it . It's the complete opposite. Valentine's Day is a good thing to do something a little extra for your partner to show them how special they are. Men don't realize that. But special is a key word when it comes to femininity. That means I respect you more than everybody else. But a woman has a role to play in this as well. She has to give the man opportunity for her to feel special where she actually is doing something, which is special. Now, that would be sharing in the work world, when we're in the work world, they're busy with solving problems, fixing things, and doing, there's a lot of emotions that come up in women that they don't share with anybody. Mm-Hmm . But to be able to share that with somebody who you know is not gonna try to judge you for it, because you share it in the workplace, they'll judge you. Well , are you making a big deal out of this? Or why you feel that way? Aren't you confident ? Aren't you capable? You don't need to have all those emotions. So it's not safe to share emotions in the workplace. But a a relationship is where you can share them because your partner theoretically caress. They don't care about you in the workplace. You know , <laugh> , if , if I have a client, I don't tell 'em my problems <laugh>. They don't care about my problems, I don't care about them. That's what work is. It's about putting others ahead of yourself. So when you can share with your partner, now you get to have somebody care about you, respect you, take time to understand you. And there's a magic that happens for women when they feel heard, it actually lowers their stress response. See, life is stressful. One of the most powerful ways for a woman to lower her stress response is to share what's inside of her. Things that she can't share with others. And have somebody validate you, understand you care about, you, empathize with you. So one of the secrets in dating is not to put up a a front of I'm so together. Sometimes you can do that, but then share things that you normally wouldn't share with others. And there will be a bond there because you as a woman, opened up deeper than you do with others. Okay? Now there's like , uh, something you can read on the internet about 50 questions that causes somebody to fall in love with you. It's just simply people sharing things inside that they don't normally share with others creates a deeper bond and an interest. The way that works is on a date , you don't share your intimate feelings about him. You share your intimate feelings about other things. Like, oh, I was , you know, I'm a , my job is this. But also frustrated the other day that this person said this and this and this, or I saw it in the news. It just makes me angry about this. And sometimes I feel sad. The world's turning out the way it is. Now that's showing a little vulnerability. You don't say that to a client, but you reveal a little bit that allows a man to go into you. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> . And that's the key to it. And then you go, oh , it feels really good just to share that with you. That enough provides something of meaning for you. What men are missing today. And women can learn this very powerful thing. You wanna provide something for him that nobody else does. And that's giving him a sense of meaning in his life that he can provide something for you. I know it's a little back and forth here, but this is the male and female energy simplify when the man does something for the woman and she appreciates it. Right ? His attraction for you increases when you do something for the man. His comfort with you increases, but not attraction. What ,
Speaker 1:What you said in the beginning, you said, men wanna make you happy. So oftentimes people come to your courses and they say, my wife isn't happy. That's what they want. They wanna make you happy. And so just that act of listening and they're like, oh, thank you I for listening, that I could just say that to somebody that , that bothered me in the news or whatever. Now there's the appreciation. There's a few things really, that men need, which is that trust the job of providing
Speaker 2:An acceptance.
Speaker 1:An acceptance.
Speaker 2:I'll tell you how acceptance goes. This is a great little story. This man. And he loved his girlfriend for nine years, but would never marry her. And he didn't marry, wouldn't marry her. 'cause he always said, look, I love you. I love you forever, but I feel like you deserve more than me. So this was a man with low self-esteem. Clearly okay? But he didn't deserve more than I can provide. And I was able to figure out and solve this problem. They got married, they were going on a tour together of celebrity houses and Beverly Hills, California. And one of the house had a swimming pool with a diving board. And she , she was like, that would be so amazing if our kids could , you know, we have children. And they could swim in that pool with a diving board. It's so hard to see diving boards today. What an amazing thing to live in that house and just go out swimming. And she made a big deal about the swimming pool and the diving board and what the way that landed in him, I'll never be able to afford that for her.
Speaker 1:Oh
Speaker 2:Wow. I'll never be able to make the bucks for that. And therefore she deserves something better. 'cause he thought her happiness went to such a high level with the diving board in the swimming pool in the big house, that he could never provide that. That's where a man basically needs to feel that what I can provide is enough. Right? And that's what's so hard for men to hear criticism or even hard for a man to tolerate when his wife is unhappy. And that's a , that's unrealistic. 'cause you can't be happy all the time. But what you can do is , as a woman, you have these feelings of stress, unhappiness share about that. Not from the point of view of he is not providing enough for you to be happy, but there's circumstances around you that he's not responsible for that tend to stimulate feelings of unhappiness. Then he can hear it easily. I learned this, Carrie , because women come in all the time, all they do. And Kyle saying is complaining about their husbands. And I can say, well, how does it make you feel? And tell me more. And what else? And it's so easy for me to hear because they're not blaming me. <laugh>.
Speaker 1:And then they feel better. 'cause they've complained and they were heard. And I guess 90% of women are the ones who go to therapists. This was fascinating to me because I had read your book a long time ago . Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And, and now, after doing all this work in the relationship space, I went back again and I looked at the piece of when men retract go into their cave and are like a rubber band, and they shut down. And this was really interesting to me because I've had now Covid was challenging for all relationships, dynamics, parents, you name it. And I had some moments where there was a lot of stress and I couldn't figure it out. My boyfriend would just shut down. And I took that as well. Obviously he doesn't care. And how could, because I wouldn't respond that way. Oftentimes women don't allow for that space and don't allow the man to come back to them. And they need to take that moment to think clearly because we live in such an anxious world and everything's fast. That's the biggest mistake that women make, is that they start the double texting and they start the chasing. And men can lose it so fast and be turned off by neediness in that chasing energy. That can be it in the early stages of dating, I think.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, and the Mars Venus in a date, did you read that book?
Speaker 1:I just pulled that out again. It ,
Speaker 2:It talks about those five stages. And so there can be all this attraction in the beginning, and then as a man starts to feel, we'll look at it from the man's point of view that, oh, this is , uh, maybe somebody I want to just be in a monogamous relationship with because men are hunters. Now, maybe I found as soon as you get into the place as a man that I found this might be the one, what happens is you question, you doubt there's a place of insecurity that comes up. And it's like when, when you buy a house, before you buy it today, you actually hire people <laugh> to look at what's wrong with the house <laugh> . Mm-hmm . You know, to search everything to make sure it's okay. It's , it's a good thing to do. When the brain does that, when you start to feel, I'm gonna make a commitment, the brain will start to go into it . I'm not so sure. And that, that's the second stage, doubting. Now, what men do when they're doubting, that's fear, by the way. I'm afraid to commit. I wanna commit, but now I'm afraid. Is it the right thing? That's where it come , comes from. When men have emotion, they need to get away from the fear. And so they detach. That's going to his cave. That's where he is gonna withdraw. He's gonna pull away , uh, that gives him his anchor and his non-fire place. A woman at that time of uncertainty, she tends to seek reassurance by asking, well, where are we now? Where are you? Are we still dating? Are you gonna call me back? Are you upset with me? Did I do something wrong? Is there somebody else? <laugh> ? You know, all those fears inside of her start to come up and she's seeking reassurance from him. And so one tidbit of information, although you just gave a lot, I loved it all , uh, is when you're seeking reassurance from him, that's where you need to overcome your fear without depending on reassurance from him, but by reassuring yourself, questioning, was he really the right guy for me? And how to get to that place where the fear goes away is fulfill that need to let go of the fear by having a life. Right? So , so many times women give it all to one guy and they forget about the rest of their life, their girlfriends, their good exercise routines, or whatever it is that they, they feel good about in their life. Suddenly it all goes to him. And now you're needy. Oh, what about this? What about this? So you wanna find your balance at that time. So rather than pursuing him , pursue your friends to find more support and balance in your life. And that gives him the space. And you brought in the idea of the rubber band theory. You know, these are new ideas to some people when he pulls away. So he got really close, he pulls away. If you run after him, his rubber band doesn't get a chance to stretch and spring back to you. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> , he needs some distance to spring back. I mean, my marriage, unlike my friends, I'm 71 <laugh> , they don't even have sex with their wives. I mean , <laugh>, I've had sex for 40 years. I mean, just loving it, connecting to it, feel the attraction, everything. And besides good communication skills, which I do have and , and work to have, and that keeps it going. But one part of that is just distance makes the heart grow. Fonder, particularly for men. Too much distance shuts a woman down. So you have to find the balance. But I would travel and teach three day seminars in places and then come home and, you know, getting away, interacting with all these people, solving problems , uh, feeling good about myself. Now, the next thing is when a man feels good about himself, that's when he is gonna feel most attracted to a woman because he can provide, he feels confident that I can provide for her. So he has that confidence that motivates him. And basically she's been missing me and she appreciates me. And so you have this great sex as a result, making love. So distance is really key, but not too much. Right ? But finding the right amount, and everybody's a little different here, but when he pulls away, if you just think about it as a rubber band, he, he pulls away, he is like a rubber band. He is stretching and stretching and stretching. And as soon as point , once he hits his point of, okay, I'm feeling good about myself. Now I wanna spring back and feel even better getting close to her . But then the rubber band becomes loose. He's gotta pull away. And then he desires. It's hard to keep desiring what you have. Okay? It's, once you have it, the desire tends to go away. You use it, you have it, but you don't feel that longing. And that's what the attraction is. The attraction is, I'm feeling a tension away from you. And it's relieved as I get closer to you. So at that time, women can't deal with the tension . It's hard for them because they interpret the tension as a wrong thing, which is, if he's pulling away, that means he doesn't like me. Okay? She's like feeling, oh, I wanna get close and close. He's pulling away, given the space he comes back. Now, here's the thing in dating that's so important. You said it, but I'm just gonna re-emphasize what you said is you get into this desperate thing of seeking reassurance from him at that time. But if you don't do that, if you don't connect with him, let's say he's a had , he's dated you and , and now he's not talking to you for a week or two, what happened? You do this whole thing. Did I do the wrong things ? Did I do this <laugh> ? Is he the wrong guy? And what's the matter? All this panic sets in what has happened in men's experience. And almost every man has had this experience of being really interested in a woman then not feeling interested and then getting interested again. 'cause he pulls back and now he springs back. He's interested in , again, when he calls her up, she says, why didn't you call Mm-Hmm, <affirmative> . What's wrong? Right? What's the matter with you? Or she doesn't even say, why didn't you call? I say , well, you didn't call me and slaps his hand , so to speak. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> , we've had that where if we don't call back right away, then we're gonna be punished. So the fear of punishment actually keeps him from springing back, right? So the solution here is a little bit of understanding here, and it makes it more practical, is if he doesn't call back. And you know, some people will say, why don't you call him back? And of course, <laugh>, if you call him back with a tone of voice that says, why didn't you call or seeking reassurance from him? You're going into the cave rather than having him come out of the cave, right ? Because he wants to spend time with you. So the dynamic here is we've got this wonderful thing called text messages. Don't send too me . Two more. And this is all my daughter Lauren came up with this. She teaches classes. Have you done any of her classes at my website?
Speaker 1:I saw, I actually looked at all the classes. 'cause I am , I definitely want to take this. And I think it's such an amazing resource for people. I mean, to go through, you can't go any higher than to , to learn from you. And if people want to keep repeating the same patterns that are not working for them, then they can, you know, tune this episode out. Or they can listen and say, when you're feeling insecure, do not ask them about the relationship. Do not ask them where they, where you stand. People ask me all this all the time. They're like, Harry , what should I say? I don't know where this is going. I'm like, keep your options open until they lock it down, because you can't convince them. You're
Speaker 2:Right, Carrie , you're absolutely right. But here's what you can do. And this is one of the things in that class, which is interesting. It's six week class to talk about this one little subject we're spending a few minutes on, but we should, and it is what Lauren calls it in one of the lessons is the problem that solves all problems. Okay? The problem is he goes to his cave, but if he doesn't go to his cave, he's gonna lose attraction to you. So once you understand it, and then you have to work with it. And part of working with it is when he is pulled away, he has a fear. This is one aspect that if I reconnect, I'm in trouble and I have to apologize. And you don't wanna do that. Okay? You don't wanna get in trouble, whatever. And that dampens his a a attraction to you to think that I have to apologize to even have a relationship with you. You just sent him a little text, one or two a week. And you imagine in your mind that he says to you that he called you up and he says, tell me about your day. What happened? Pick one thing that happened today and add some feminine happiness with it. Some beauty to it, some excitement to it. 'cause see what you don't know women is that your emotional content of life is what we are looking for as men. We wanna be around somebody who can be happy, who can see beauty, who can have an emotional reaction of delight. You have no idea what a barren world we live in. And men don't even know what they're missing until they get with a woman. That's what we're attracted to you, is you have emotion and you have happiness. You have joy, you have relief, you have a , uh, excitement. We go to you for that. He says, well, what'd you do today? Or how's your day? She said , oh, I went to the bagel shop. Or I went and had a croissant today with coffee. Now that would be a simple answer. A man would say to each other, but you say, oh, I went by this new French coffee shop and had their bagel almond bagel. It was to die for. It was like, it was like , uh, rainbows in the sky. You know, something a little poetic, a little feminine, a little bright and cheery and that , that's it. You just send him a note. It's a FYI just for information. Oh, today it was a bagel shop. You wouldn't believe how good their almond croissant was. It made me want to jump in the ocean and swim, whatever, <laugh> something , uh, feminine. And then he kind of goes, wow, she's not mad at me. And wow, she's having a good time in her life. Mm-Hmm, <affirmative> and wow, I'd like to get in that good time in her life, but no pressure on me to come until I'm ready. Right? It's a little bit like , uh, and also you could send a picture of yourself thinking of you with you with a friend, and you're doing something fun, right?
Speaker 1:They love that. They love that. They love that you have a full life. I love that you do say that. Like get a life. When they go into the cave, that's when you have to get a life. And it's so true. Go out and make yourself happy. Be busy, busy, busy with your friends, having a fabulous time. They'll come back, they'll respond to that energy. The feminine energy is so strong. So when children are acting up and men are acting up, <laugh> , it's, I always say, what's going on with you?
Speaker 2:That's the wisest thing. There is the , is what's going on with me. And the same thing when my wife is upset, how am I reacting to her upset if I don't react back and show concern and empathy and ask questions to understand what she's going through? Her mood will completely change. The women make the mistake of thinking. Men are like women, which is, if you listen to us, we will become more attracted to you. <laugh>, we like it. I mean, I like having people listen to me. But no, bo the bonding is not as strong as when I do something for her of meaning. And meaning. Doesn't have to be huge. It's just something that makes her have a good time. She's delighted, she's happy. And three phrases I say for women always is, you're on a date. Just remember these three phrases. There could be more, but easy to remember. Three. What a good idea. Another one is, well, that makes sense. I love that. Like , you ponded it and you're going, that makes sense. Mm-Hmm, <affirmative> . Another one is, well, you're right , you're right about that. See, when a woman says, you're right, it's a big deal to a man when a woman acknowledges. Well, that makes sense. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . And it's a good thing. This is, this gives a man his male side , so to speak, a lot of validation. And there might be some women that go, well, I wanna hear those things too. Okay? But <laugh> , it feels good, but it's not what's gonna allow you to bond with him? What's gonna bond what you're gonna bond with him When you reveal parts of you that you don't share with anybody else, and he is feeling respectful, he's feeling some empathy, he's feeling some caring. And that's sort of on the, on the negative side of it , which is you share some negative frustration or you're sharing something that makes you really happy and you're really glad about something. Any emotional response you have to life that you wouldn't normally share with others is an opportunity for a man to feel. He feels important that you let him in and you feel special because he's in there and he's acknowledging you. Here's where the obstacles happen though. Let's say you decide you're gonna share more what's inside, what men do. 'cause this is, we have no training on how to listen. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> . So what men will do is, oh, you shouldn't be upset about that. Oh, don't worry about that. Oh, that doesn't make sense at all. See, we're gonna say those things and you're either not gonna share more because it's, it's vulnerable. If you share something inside, the reason you don't share it at work is because people could say, that doesn't make sense. So you're overreacting. Or, why would you feel that way? Or Aren't you capable and confident? You know, they, oh, you can do it. As opposed to, I'm afraid I'm not ready. And I said, well, tell me more. As opposed to, no , you can do it. See, then they're always gonna come for the quick fix. They don't know better to give you room to sort of breathe into your feelings and let them move into something else. So a man, you know, on a date, I tell, like I said, three things for a woman, for a man, three things would be, well, help me understand that better. Whenever she says about anything, tell me more. And well, what else? You know, create space for more to come out of her and it will come out. But I'm saying this, 'cause women, your mistake you make quite often is to create the space for him to talk more. Not a good idea, right? Right . Enough . Create a space for him to talk because it just, it's nice to have him say something, but mainly whatever he says, you can say, well, what happened for you today? Or What do you think about what's going on in politics today? Or women will tend to initiate conversation because they know conversation is connection. I mean, guys can just hang out and say nothing. You know, fishing , <laugh> , we say nothing. And then maybe a few things playing tennis, we might talk at a break or something. We're fine with that. Which women, once they get going, can just keep going. It's amazing to a man how much women have sight of them to put into words. Now, some women are more chatty, others are less. But it's really a chat gene that you have. Because when you talk, it lets somebody inside. And when you let somebody inside of you, you feel safer and safer and safer. Like, I'm not having to put on clothes. I'm not having to protect myself all the time. I can say whatever's going on inside of me. So when you start to do this inch by inch, like a flower opening, a man unknowingly, sabotages. And you can keep that from happening by him saying, oh, you ought to do this and this. Oh yeah, of course I can do this. And that's certainly a good idea, but I, right now I just wanna talk about, it feels so good just to be able to share it and let it go. So you have to sort of condition him to go, oh, you don't have to say anything about it , just so I can share what's going on. And he's always gonna interrupt with logic and trying to solve the problem. So particularly in the dating situation, you want to very quickly go, well that makes sense, I get that sometimes I just need to talk about these things and sort him out for myself as well. So you wanna create a space without being offended by him interrupting your flow, not to be offended. And then 'cause understand he's just trying to help so you don't be offended. But at the same time, you don't allow him to do too much of it. You basically go, well that's a good idea. I can see what you're saying there. Sometimes I just, sometimes I just like exploring it out loud. And it feels really good to do that with you. Now you've just made him important and special, right ? And , and that's the whole key is let him get to know you. And clearly every time in society, what we're looking for is one upmanship. And women are as well. I mean, you're comparing yourself with other women all the time. <laugh>, right? You're comparing , we are always comparing. Comparing. And you know, it , it'd be like a , well, that rich person, they've got that fancy car, but they don't have a loving wife. We always wanna balance things out. And that's human nature to do that. No problem. And the workplace, as far as sharing vulnerable feelings, we don't share them because it'll put us one down. Oh, see, vulnerable feelings are fear. So in the work world, it's all about, look what I can accomplish, I can achieve. And you kind of go, well , I'm not so sure I can do that. I'm a little afraid that puts you one down. So negative emotions tends to put you one down. And if you're a woman, particularly if you're angry, that also puts you one down. You're, you know, you're kind of the B category. Mm-Hmm . And if you're sad, you're you, you have less than me. Uh , you're afraid, you're weaker than me. So negative emotions put you one down. Hmm . And so what's interesting about men is men are very attracted to you if you're one down and they can bring you up.
Speaker 1:Oh, I see. Okay. That makes sense.
Speaker 2:You know, it's female and distress man solves the problem. Right? So if you go one down, it takes a lot of courage, a lot of trust to reveal one down, so to speak, that he will then respond by doing his best to serve you. Now I give an example of this , uh, a, a man on stage or any performer on stage, you could see 'em , they a great show. They put themselves out there, they need acknowledgement. And so the more you put yourself out there, the more acknowledgement you need. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . And that's why you don't wanna put yourself out there so much. If you're not getting, first of all, assured that you're gonna get back what you need, you have to regulate it. Like, if I'm getting paid a lot of money, I'll go across the globe. But if I'm not gonna get paid a lot of money, I'm not gonna travel along airplane flight. I can help the same amount of people next door. You regulate. How much I give is how much I get back by a woman. When you give naked, you deserve to be with somebody who's honored you, respected you, been with you for a while, help you feel safe, that you're gonna reveal all of you, at least on a physical level. Now, some women are easy around that. Every woman's a little different because some women are just completely shut down to their emotions. They can have sex with anybody and it doesn't depress them , it doesn't make them needy. But it's only a sign that you're just female side. Your vulnerability is, is being shut down. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . You're not in touch with what you really feel. And when you're not in touch with what you really feel, you'll always pick the wrong men. You'll always have unrealistic expectations. You're not in touch with your truth. And you'll be attracted to the wrong men and you'll be sabotaged again and again. Wow. Sorry to drop that. It's being, listening to your feelings and feeling safe to listen to what's inside. So this is all about communication. Opening up to reveal and knowing that men don't know how to listen. Don't judge him . 'cause he doesn't know how to listen. You can train him. Okay. Which is just, oh, you don't have to say that. That makes sense to me. Don't take offense at it. Hmm . Yeah , I, I hear what you're saying, but right now I just, I need to explore a little bit more. I feel so good. And that's it. Just be happy. And I just talk a little bit more, this is how men bond. Because when you reveal, you're going one down and then you communicate to him that his being here, you know, I don't share this with just anybody. She says, you know , I feel really safe with you. Boom. He just basically went even higher to be there for you. He's always looking to be one up . That's why men are always solving your problem. Look, I can fix this. And so you have to let 'em know that I am , I'm revealing myself to you as a vulnerable place. You don't have to say it's a vulnerable place. Men don't know what to do with that <laugh>. Right? I just to know we speak different languages. I wanna tell the men who are listening, if a woman says, I'm really vulnerable right now, that means code alert, emergency, don't speak, don't give any ideas. Don't explain anything <laugh>. And just hear what she's saying. And don't just say, and even if you try to help her, it won't work. It means ask more questions. Ask more questions. If he's doing all the talking, you need to immediately interrupt him over and over and over. And you say, that makes such a good make , makes sense to me. It reminds me of, I was here with my brother and we were going through this and I felt, Mm-Hmm <affirmative> . And what you need to know is yes, men are bored. When women start chatting, we get very bored that the reason we're bored is she's just in her head. If you bring emotion into it, we will connect with you. Emotion wakes a man up. You know, and dysfunctional relationships, often they never have sex until they have a big blow up argument. 'cause they, they say all these things, <laugh> , these emotions come up. They're uninhibited, they reveal more what's inside, but then they forget it and make love. It's not a healthy thing, but it's the only thing that allows them to get, get in touch with their emotions. Women, you have the power to open up your feelings. And that allows a man to become more whole. Because rather than feel his own emotions, he feels your emotions. And then he begins to see his own emotions that are similar to that. He connects with his own female side. By connecting with your female side. You connect with your masculine side by having someone respect you and honor you. That's the male side of you that respects and honors others. But no, you deserve that respect. So when a man is listening to you with respect, your female side is emerging, but also you're trusting that it's safe for me to do this. This is your, your male side says, I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be heard. That's your courageous side. That's the male side that goes into battle and fights, wars where you're opening yourself up to trusting that if I reveal myself, I still will be loved. I don't have to hide myself. But you do have to hide yourself at work. You do have to hide yourself to in parts of you with your children even , uh, with your parents even. So here's somebody you can share everything with. And that's the intimacy of a marriage in a relationship. If people have good communication skills and there's nothing that helps us find greater fulfillment than that situation. What we're seeing today, just for fun, I'm gonna take us in another direction here . But so much dysfunctionality is happening online due to anonymous people. If they're anonymous or they're people that don't know you, they will say the worst things. And now they're building reactions, getting in touch with saying horrible things that they wouldn't say if they actually had lunch with you. Nobody talks that way when you've got somebody in front of you, right? When you're anonymous, basically you're not seeing yourself. You're just reacting. When you're in a relationship, somebody's seeing you. It allows you to see yourself better. It's kind of , you started out, when somebody comes to your house, you suddenly awaken to , I wanna have a tidy house. It's that awareness, increased awareness of me makes me wanna show up better. Okay? So I'm more motivated when somebody sees me. And this is what happens when men connect with women. By connecting to her feelings, he actually sees his own female and respects female even more. It's this whole reciprocity that happens in relationship that you cannot have when you're alone. You just have to get out there. And what I say to so many women that are not dating, they can't find the right guy. They're not open to it. It's practice. Okay? This is just practice of interacting with people with the right expectations. So I'm not dating for the purpose of finding the perfect person I'm dating to update my relationship skills. It's like practice. I'm practicing, right ? And it's something that always helped me in everything, which was my fear of giving public speaking until I could do it perfectly or I was a perfect example or whatever is, I remember when somebody said to me, you know, if you're a comedian, you really have it . It can be terrible. You're trying to make people laugh and they don't, as soon as you, you just go down, it's like a you, you keep trying to get 'em to laugh and they don't, then it's a disaster. So sometimes comedians will be on one night off another. And what you're told as a young comedian is don't worry about the audience. Learn from it. Remember your best things. 'cause it's all just practice until you get on the Johnny Carson show. Hmm . So it doesn't matter 'cause it's only a small group of people who don't like you. So who cares? You're just preparing until you can get on a national TV show. And then that's when it really matters. So you have to go, you know, I'm dating men, it doesn't really matter. I'm just practicing my dating skills, understanding men better, sharing more of myself. And it's not the real thing yet. And what's interesting is sometimes the real thing is right in front of you and you don't see it, right ? 'cause you don't feel safe. So that , that's a , a dynamic. So another thing I say a lot in the dating book is if you if your judgmentalness and you're picking , this is keeping you from finding the right person, <laugh> . Okay? You have to, you have to be solid . Why am I not finding someone out there? Is it just all unacceptable people? That's your problem, really. I mean, there's people out there, but you're demanding too much. So what you can do to change that habit of being judgmental and critical, and , and in the dating situation is set your goal not to find the right person. But your goal is to create a series of positive dating experiences. Do things that are enjoyable for you. Do not do things that are just enjoyable for him. No sacrifice. Now, for a man, I'd be saying the opposite. You should do all sacrifice. This is dating, is to show her that you can be selfless and be generous and develop that skill inside yourself. That's the maturing process for men. But for women, the maturing process is saying, this is for me, without, without wanting to reciprocate. Reciprocation is a part of the maturing process. But, you know, think of it ladies. You make, you make cookies for your friends, and one of them's kind of small and crumbly. What do you do? You take that one for yourself rather than take the best one for yourself. How dare you take the best one for yourself? That, but you first have to find that I'm worthy. I can have, and others love giving to me. Mm-Hmm . And so the dating is about just creating whatever it is that keeps you from enjoying a date. That's your goal, is I've gotta get over that and find what would allow me to enjoy. And usually it's the expectation that my partner has to be perfect or , or mating material or my soulmate. But when you're desperate and needy, the clock's ticking you, you, I gotta find the right person. Finding the right person will happen. When you find yourself as the right person, and finding yourself as the right person is a person who can go on dates and enjoy yourself and have fun and recognize there's plenty of men out there that are interested in me if I just stop pushing them away. And in that process, let me create a situation where it's for me and I'm enjoying it. The men who are interested in you will respect you more automatically than the men you're interested in. As soon as you're interested in a man, you're pursuing him. And so all of your tendencies of low self-esteem, which cause you to overgive, tend to come out and he doesn't bond with you.
Speaker 1:How great would it be to find the love of your life, the man of your dreams. Do you believe online dating would work if you had the right tools to be successful? Well, I have exciting news. I've created your best shot at Love Masterclass. I cannot wait to share with you what's worked for me in my life and for many of my clients that have helped over the years. If you enroll in this class, you have a winning mindset and believe in getting help before you start something new. If you're ready to see changes in your dating life and wanna take action, check out my free webinar@shotatlove.co. If you decide you're going to choose another path that you're worth it and you're willing to enroll in the masterclass, you can also register@shotatlove.co. I designed this masterclass specifically for you to be successful. Please know that everything you're going to learn in these nine modules and six coaching calls has been carefully curated for you, so you can gain the success you truly want. I will be there for you the whole time. In the meantime, I wish you all the success, and I can't wait to hear about your story of finding love. I'm Carrie Brett and I will be your mentor and friend through this incredible journey. I can follow that because I really took away how you said, you know, you have to make yourself happy first. And one of the things that you said in an interview I thought was so powerful, you said that after you lost your wife, your set point for happiness became higher after you went through years of grieving. I thought that was so powerful how you said that you lost her on the outside, but you found her on the inside. And I thought that was like the most beautiful description of love I had ever heard. Honestly, I think so often people make the mistake of saying another person is gonna be the key to their happiness, and they don't make themselves happy first. And so then when they don't do that, like a marriage should be an extra, like, it's like I have happiness within myself, and then I can add this. That is one of the biggest trip ups for people because if their set point isn't properly adjusted, then they start blaming others and whoever they're dating. Like you gave those examples of dating. Okay, no one measures up. I'm too picky. There's plenty of people in the world that's coming from you.
Speaker 2:Now what's what's fun with that? That's the sort of the behavioral analysis. There's also biological analysis of women as they get older. Mm . It's biological that your estrogen levels begin to go low. And estrogen is the love hormone right? Now. It doesn't mean that you can't love as you get older. It means that you have to do things to create estrogen in order to feel the love in your heart. Your tendency is estrogen goes down, is you have more testosterone. Women have a lot of testosterone. It's just men have 10 times, 20 times more. So the tendency if your estrogen goes down and estrogen is, I need help. I can't do it myself. Would you help me? Okay, would you take me on a romantic date? Would you be my companion? Would you support me? Would you put your arm around me? That's all estrogen. And when you anticipate, when you trust that you can get support from others, I can get that support I need, whatever my needs are, I can get that from others. That trusting of that raises your estrogen high. When you don't trust that somebody's gonna be there for you , your estrogen goes low. And then when estrogen goes low, what happens in women is they produce more stress hormones. When they produce more stress hormones, the brain is always looking for what's wrong. We'll always be more picky when we're stressed, we're looking for reasons to justify our fears and insecurities, right ? It's an automatic thing. You can't stop it all . All you can do is counterbalance, is find what can I do right now in order to raise my estrogen? So you lower your expectations on a date. I'm not looking for a mate. I'm looking for a guy who wants me more than I want him. I'm looking for a guy that I can ask for something. He jumps because he wants to be with me more than I wanna be with him. See, there's a natural dynamic there. And you might think, oh, I'm being so selfish taking the good cookie. No, you're giving him the gift he wants that that guy wants to do things for you is feeling successful. That's what men need to feel is I'm successful. And when you, you're building up his self-esteem, you don't have to stay with him. You're gonna mini guys, you know, it is like queen with all these men waiting on you, so to speak, but not sexual. As soon as it's sexual, it's a whole, you're , you're lowering yourself down. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> to reveal the non-intimate part of you. And in , in an intimate way. The intimacy is special when you're special, when a man is respecting you and you're letting him respect you more than others, meaning you're revealing things to him that you don't reveal to others. You don't get undressed in front of others. You know? Why is it that every, all these men are addicted to pornography and they can't , uh, be attracted to their girlfriend? When a man is doing porn, what he is seeing is 64,000 women that all wanna have sex with him. That's the illusion that his primitive brain sees. And then, so what happens is he becomes the alpha monkey in the tribe that all the women wanna have sex with. It's all an illusion. They don't wanna have sex with him. Mm-Hmm . They just want his money. Right? Okay. And so they're, they're undressing in front of him. So that will raise his testosterone that causes his arousal. He comes to life. Having pornography is like, at least in the beginning, it's like your first shot of cocaine . It will never be as good. So now you have to have new and different, new and different every time. Once your brain requires that much new and different, the same woman over, over time, just not gonna do it. So what happens is addictions are things that raise our dopamine really, really high. A marriage or a dating relationship. Say it's going for three weeks, three months, one year. Familiarity is setting in comfort is setting in. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . Now that's a good thing. We wanna feel comfortable at ease with somebody. I can be myself with them , but the newness is not there. Right? And it's the newness of what does newness do in a relationship? It's good. You know, even for couples, I say, you need to go new in different places. <laugh>, right? You know, give yourself a little help, but more important that really won't do it. And then other sex therapists, oh, get whips out and do this and intensify it and play games and bring in other people. You know, this is , it is going to craziness today . Today it's
Speaker 1:Going to craziness. It is .
Speaker 2:We're , we're trying to add things to the relationship that is not, she turns me on for a lifetime. He turns me on for a lifetime. Why can I have that? And all my friends don't? Okay ? Because I understand that it's not about dopamine. Dopamine's gonna go away. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . You're not gonna have new indifferent. It's the same woman every time. It's the same breast, same body. You know, it's, it changes a little bit, but you're not getting new indifferent. First of all, what does dopamine do for the dating situation where this hormones are going wild. You're feeling all this attraction and everything that's dopamine in a man stimulates high levels of testosterone. Dopamine to a woman stimulates high levels of estrogen. Her fantasy of what could this mean is what could be what my anticipation of getting what I need. That's estrogen going up. So when dopamine goes down, you don't get these free hormones. But what makes you feel the connection and the , and the love can grow, is that in her presence, my testosterone goes up and his presence, her estrogen goes up. What's gonna raise estrogen and testosterone in each other if you don't have dopamine communication skills, strategies, right? Will raise testosterone, estrogen, having a man listen to you more than you listen to him, for example, is gonna raise your estrogen and raise his testosterone, giving messages. What a good idea. Or that makes sense? So that was the best movie I've ever been to, or I love this restaurant, or this chicken was so perfectly cooked. A man will take that personally. He successfully, even though he's not the chef, he'll take it personally. Yep . I cooked that chicken, you know? Yeah . This is, so , it's just, wow, what ? I've never seen a moon like this. How beautiful this is. Yes, I created that moon <laugh> . See, man provides, he takes credit for it. Mm . His testosterone goes up. So many times women think things like, what a beautiful night. She doesn't say it, realizing that this is something he needs to hear. Same thing. A man stopped saying to her, you are so beautiful. You look great today. Right ? Oh, I love you in that dress. I'm so lucky to be in a relationship with you. I'm so lucky, you know, of all the women tonight, you're the one for me. You know, thi this is , uh, verbal communication. And what men don't know is verbal communication is so, so important for a woman to hear. In sex. Men are usually quiet. Maybe in the beginning it needs to be a little quiet. But actually it would be better if men can learn this talking. And sex can create so much more intimacy. And so I'll give you an example of what I teach in my class. So I'll be in my class, and I've got one coming up soon, so that's good. But yeah, the class I'll be talking about, I call it Secrets of Great Sex. I also have a class on my website on that. But what's missing in that class, 'cause I didn't know when I did that talk in that whole class, was how powerful it is to talk to your partner in sex , saying things that you say almost every time. Things like, I'm so lucky to be with you. You're the best I've ever been with, I want you to know how beautiful you are. I'll always love you. If you're married, you can say these great things. I'm so lucky to be married to you . You're the one for me. You're so beautiful. You turned me on so much. I love working hard so we can be safe and secure. And I, I will do a list of these kind of phrases in my workshop with men and women. And I say, now, how many women would love to hear those things while have I'm making love ? And they all raise their hands. I, I've never had such a big response. <laugh> seen it. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> . Whereas men are going , are you kidding? What are you talking about? This is like, of course she knows I married her. She said, no, I'm so lucky to be married to you. You're the most beautiful woman in the room tonight. I'm so drawn to you. I'm , I'm so glad I work hard for you. I like doing things for you. And, and sometimes I ask my partner, now I'm in love. She , she'll say to me, tell me the things you did for me in the last week, <laugh>. And I'll just say , I , I did this and I did this and I did this. What is the word? Auditory communication. Even though some more people, some are more visual, some are more auditory, some more kinesthetic. But when it comes to gender, the research is clear. Men are, when it comes to sexual arousal, men are more visual dramatically more than women. And women are more auditory in terms of verbal pornography. And I know some books get into using negative put down phrases as a way to create arousal. But that's going in the wrong direction. Don't use negativity to turn your partner on. Instead use positivity. 'cause what it is, it's language. It's women are turned on by language. If men could just understand this. But a part of that being turned on by language is also women just being open. And ultimately for those who are making love in a relationship at that point, whether there's some commitment you're making love what women can know to keep the connection bond, you have to keep him as the hero. His desire stops when they're the hero. They're like, okay, I did that. I won the race. Now I can retire. There's that tendency to just retire. Unless he's required to continue running the race. And the race can't be too difficult for him, but has to be something he has to do. A little challenge there in making love. She can say, you know, I just want you to know, as a woman, I have insecurities all the time. They're not rational, but they come up and everybody, woman , woman , secretly can relate to that. Or consciously, we're always looking to re be reassured that we're lovable. There's nothing wrong with that . I'm re needing reassured that I'm successful. I look at my book sales, I look at how much money I make, whatever these are little symbols that I'm successful, look what I can do for me more. So it's about helping people and seeing that their lives are helped for women, it's about getting reassurance that I am loved , that I'm special, that I'm not alone and I'm number one. This is very, very important for estrogen to get produced in her body so she can have a conversation with li like this. And it would be appropriate, once you're in a committed relationship and making love, you could say, you know, something that really turns beyond insect is to reveal my insecurities and just have you give me reassurance. I'm gonna tell you what you need to say and I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna say. So you're not shocked. But when we're making love, I'm gonna say things like, do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? How much do you love me <laugh>? Will you always love me? Now, logically speaking, will you always love me? I can't know in the future. A man can't know in the future. You know what's gonna happen in the future, but there's something called romantic language. And you say, yes, in my heart right now, I feel I will always love you without using logic. There's sort of intuitive knowing. I will always like , but do you love me? How much do you love me? Will you always love me? Tell me how much you love me. What did you do for me to be able to express your insecurity? And then I have a man respond. There will be a biological reaction of arousal. Okay? When a woman has a biological reaction of arousal, that means their estrogen goes a little higher and a little higher. That's a orgasm for a woman. Is estrogen going higher and higher and higher when her estrogen's going higher, regardless how old she is? 'cause it would , it just needs to be going higher as opposed to having been so high. Uh , it's about the balance inside of women as opposed to quantity of hormones. But anyway, when you get to that surge, he says something and her estrogen goes up and then she feels a little more insecure and says, do you love me? And then he says, yes, I love you. I love you so much. What's happening is more arousal produces more pheromones from her. Those pheromones go into him and actually increase his testosterone. This is measurable. And then as his testosterone goes up in the presence of something, her reaction to him, he puts out a pheromone that increases her estrogen. There's a body language that's going on here. <laugh> as as one, has the effect on the other back and forth. So that's a metaphor for any time a woman can reveal that insecurity. And a man can provide us a reassurance. There's gonna be more connection. If a woman is giving a man reassurance, it doesn't happen. Oh , you know , if he's going, do you love me? Tell me you love me. It doesn't produce the right hormones to create sustain attraction and increasing attraction .
Speaker 1:Interesting. Before we end and we talk about your course, that's that I, I'm happy to promote. I'm so excited about all this and to have you on my show. You know, you speak about 50% of relationships failing and so many people that listen to this show have been divorced. There's been so much increase in failed relationships, especially with covid . And then the other 50% of relationships that don't fail. People are unhappy. So do you think it all comes down to learning these systems, like you write in your book that men love systems in place learning how to communicate better. Is that really the key? Like all the things that you talk about in your book, can that keep people more in love?
Speaker 2:Communication is a big part of it. To understand a form of communication, not just talking. Okay, talking is deadly to relationships. You know, we say communication that no , it's a form of communication that strengthens our gender differences. It acknowledges gender differences. Really a man that can make a woman feel safe. So it can also be, I never get angry and if I get angry I say, look, I just need to think about this and I need some of my cave time and I'll be back. And then I come back and I'm more loving and supportive. That creates safety in a woman. When a woman feels safe, then suddenly more estrogen is getting produced. Communication goes a long way in communicating in a way which allows a woman to feel safer. But she has to have courage to reveal more and more. You know, she has to learn how to be vulnerable in his presence in a way that doesn't push him away. Mm . It's complicated. This is, it is , it is. We all have to take baby steps, you know? But the , the idea, these ideas that I put forth, primarily, if you could summarize it, how men can communicate and behave in a way that raises estrogen in women. And how women can react and respond and communicate in a way that raises testosterone in men. You know, if I have a part of me that wants to, if I'm a woman and I want to complain to my partner 'cause it feels good, well you're just pushing down his testosterone. So, and then if you do it over and over, you're just addicted to complaining and your mind wants to complain all the time. This is pro proven that people who complain a lot are actually producing huge levels of dopamine and it's addictive. Mm-Hmm . They don't feel alive unless they're finding something wrong. Right? And so this is retraining ourselves and a greater awareness. You can't ever stop an addiction unless you have an alternative to shift to. And so you have to have someone show you another way of being. I remember when I was a young man and in beginning of my marriage and we're on an island on a vacation and I saw this woman complain to her husband in a negative way. And he says, huh, hadn't thought of that. And he didn't even get upset. I walked up, how did you do that? I don't know , I just did it. But I said, wow , I wanna be able to do that and just go, well, tell me more. Uh, I hadn't thought of that. Well, let's explore this more. I just felt like if she's upset with me, I have to defend myself. I'd never seen a man not emotionally defend himself 'cause my father would do that or shut down and what I needed to see. Another way we don't have a new way of relationships that provides a higher level of emotional fulfillment than we've ever experienced historically. Because right now we have a higher level of civilization that's ever been here in our race, which is survival, security. These are all pretty much within our power. Hmm . So then the hierarchy of needs comes into what do we need? Well , we need emotional fulfillment. Love is what we're looking for. Have people love us. Success is a part of that. If I'm successful, people love me, so let me get that love. But here you have women out there struggling all the time to be successful and they're very successful, but they're not happy. And what's going on there is it , they're not struggling to find ways to increase their estrogen, which ironically, just as a takeaway, you wanna be more attracted to a man. It's always being happy. And how do you find happiness? If you're a woman, do more of what you like. I love that. It's a simple concept . Do what you like, do what you like and do what will feel good. But even that's just the surface because nobody likes to reveal their negative emotions to be that vulnerable. 'cause somebody could push you down. But once you do it, you create a situation where you can do it. You like doing it. You know, once I have clients, they like coming to me and I say, well now you don't have enough problems for me to spend my time with you, <laugh>. I have to cancel clients after a while . 'cause they, they've gone through, they can do it. I try to teach people to do it for yourself, for women, particularly how to process your emotions for men to learn, strategies for providing support for women are key factors. 'cause you can get addicted. You know, some women are addicted to therapy 'cause all they do with their therapists is complain and complaining produces estrogen, but it doesn't solve any problems.
Speaker 1:Right. They stay in the same place. Yeah. So this is fascinating. This is unbelievable. So tell us a little bit about your upcoming class. The beginning of March.
Speaker 2:Well, it's just , it's two day class will change your life. I mean, what happens is, besides getting my content, most people have already seen my talks and done a lot of content. It's still got content in it. But you've got me bringing people up in front of the room, processing them, having them describe their problem. <laugh> , having these help them solve their problem. And one is strategies. Another one is misinterpretations. Another one is when you're stuck in emotions, how to process emotions. And I'm a master of that. I can take anybody through their emotions back to love and to see me do it with people. And even see me do it with people who are completely stuck. People become aware of their own stuckness. And you see, don't they see what, they're just not missing it. They'll miss it. But that whole room will see it. And the great thing about that is maybe 5% of the people in the audience are willing to have me work on them in front of everybody. Right. And that's perfect. Yeah . Because nobody else has to do it. But when you see somebody go through this process, you're going through it within yourself. You get free therapy where you don't have to go through the process of becoming more vulnerable. You just get somebody to see somebody. So there's little exercises we do. There's time to work with me, there's times for me to look at strategies and question and answers. And there's basic content that we covered lots of content today, for example. And it's always catered towards that group of people.
Speaker 1:I love it. So they can go to mars venus.com/events and you've got your books and blog and free online workshops. And the thing I love about you the most is that, and you talk about this often, is that you love helping people and it's so apparent and that you come from a place of service. And I feel like the world needs more <laugh>, needs more people like you,
Speaker 2:<laugh>. You
Speaker 1:Could keep all this to yourself and not share and help others. But I'm just so grateful that you shared everything with us today. So thank you so much for your time, Carrie ,
Speaker 2:Thank you. And I just wanna acknowledge you as an interviewer, what a great job you did, and conclude what you heard and all the wisdom that you said in response. What a beautiful discussion this has been. Oh ,
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 2:I really liked all the things that you said a lot.
Speaker 1:And for now, this week shot at love dating tips that are inspired by our guest , world renowned relationship expert, Dr. John Gray. Number one, men are motivated to make you happy. Men expect you to be happy, happy and don't like someone who's always unhappy or complaining. Just having a good time is the greatest gift a man can receive. Number two, women often hand their power over to men, which is a worthiness issue. Know that you are desirable and worthy and don't have to earn it. Number three, men wanna feel accepted and appreciated. Women need to trust that a man is doing his best. And when you accept and appreciate him, you give him the fuel and motivation to do more. I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what Sean at Love is here for, to help you find love, keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. And if you like this show, please subscribe and leave a five star review. I'm Carrie Brett , and we'll see you next time.