Be Your Unfiltered Self With Hashtag No Filter's Julie Lauren

In this week's episode, Hashtag No Filter's Host Julie Lauren and I tackle what images to put up online. Spoiler Alert! Guys can see through you if you are trying too hard. Be yourself and act natural. If you got it, flaunt it! You've got nothing to worry about; a great guy will find you. So be your unfiltered self!

Julie Lauren, got her start in the fashion industry working at (Intermix & Oscar de la Renta) before starting her blog from Prosecco to Plaid, which is now JulieLauren.com. Julie is also a writer, and she's written a dating book called Oops! An insider's guide to dating, sex, and relationships in your 20's. Julie's podcast, Hashtag No Filter, is all about real, unfiltered conversations with real people. Guests include influencers and entrepreneurs who inspire and entertain. 

In my last episode–The Picture Perfect Profile–I talk about how the leading photograph is the essential piece and direct link to your success. 

In Julie's book, "Oops" she states Ladies, your Facebook (and Instagram) profile is EVERYTHING! This INSPIRED me! It got me thinking that people need to Marie Kondo their social media accounts­–– as you tidy, remove any photographs that can hurt your cause before joining the online dating world. If you are questioning if you should keep it or get rid of it, throw it away? If it doesn't spark joy, get rid of it!

When you join these online dating apps, you shouldn't attach links to your social media sites either. You should try to be mysterious, somewhat intriguing in the beginning. Leave them wanting more.

If you would like more information about Julie Lauren follow @byjulielauren, podcast Hashtag No Filter and www.julielauren.com 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

I'm Kerry Brett, and this is shot at love. The first motivational podcast around online dating today's guest is Julie Lauren. Julie's a girl who isn't afraid to take a chance. It's crucial to have a high risk, high reward mentality. Don't be afraid to take a chance, reach out or put yourself out there. What's the worst that can happen because you just never know.

Speaker 2: 0:31

Julie Lauren is so passionate and a firecracker who goes after what she wants. She's the host of hashtag no filter. Welcome, Julie.

Speaker 3: 0:42

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited.

Speaker 2: 0:44

This is great. So I have to tell the story of how we connected Julie and I were both featured on quick list, which is a source on Instagram for hot new products. Everyone's favorite things, but in truth, it was David Portnoy. You know, L pres the barstools legend is the reason why we followed each other. So, Julie, tell me about why you love David Portnoy.

Speaker 3: 1:09

I know it's like the obsession is very real and I probably need to chill out about it, you know, at some point it's truly, it's not about it's really, I'm just so fascinated with what he's built and with Barstool sports and its media empire that started from nothing that's started from a paper newspaper that was barely circulated. And I don't know, I just found, I just think it's really incredible what he has built in his team itself. And I love how unfiltered he is and how like, how, who, like, it doesn't really give a shit, can I curse on your podcast?

Speaker 2: 1:42

You can be anyone you want to be here safely,

Speaker 3: 1:48

but yeah. So I just kind of his attitude about, you know, he's really gonna say what he feels and it's very unfiltered, real raw, you know, that's what I'm building my brand on. So yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:02

Yeah. So I let you know, he does a pizza review every day, which, um, my boyfriend like watches, facially loves, and I love the, you basically do the same platform, but you do it with a wine

Speaker 3: 2:14

trying, trying, yes. I'm trying to do wine reviews, one at a time, instead of one bite at a time, like this is the thing I'm trying to get, you know, him says he can focus, but I love wine. I love blah blah by wine. And everyone follows me, knows that. So he hasn't been enjoying the wine. I'm going to take him back after this with everything going on. It kind of fell to the wayside, but I love doing it.

Speaker 2: 2:36

That's great. And you know, what else we share, um, is we both love diet Coke.

Speaker 3: 2:43

Yeah. I'm literally drinking one right now from McDonald's in my hand right now.

Speaker 2: 2:48

Awesome. Ironically, it was David Portnoy. You know, he wore a skirt made out of my covers by Nantucket magazine covers in a trash and show at Cisco brewers. So cool. I'm pumped that. That's how we connected on Instagram. So thanks for being so fun. So thanks for being on shot and love today. Let me read it

Speaker 3: 3:10

worth. And so tendons

Speaker 2: 3:11

I'm so psyched. Let me talk about your background and your credentials and how you got your start. Julie got her start in the fashion industry, working at intermix and Oscar de LA Renta before starting her blog Prosecco to plaid, which is now Julie lauren.com. Julia is also a writer writer, and she's written a dating book called oops, an insider's guide to dating sex and relationships in your twenties Julie's podcast. Hashtag no filter is about real unfiltered conversations with real people. Guests include influencers and entrepreneurs who inspire and entertain hashtag no filter is a quick list. Favorite with high praise as one of the best podcasts out there. And I totally agree you you

Speaker 3: 3:57

nice interview guys. That's a nice intro by the way. That's so sweet. Thank you.

Speaker 2: 4:01

Okay, so I have one more thing to read and then I swear we can just, we can talk, we can talk about anything. So you're super unfiltered in an open book, which leads us to your book. And I love that you published a book on dating. It's so inspiring to me. I have endless dating books at me. I'm Nancy I'm Nancy drew with a slew of Rita likes exploring what went wrong with the Hardy boys. Sorry. I'm really, I'm kidding. Coming soon in art hardcover, living in suburbia, 43 year old single mom and conscious strangers and mysteries galore all while dating on Tinder. Why was I ghosted? Why is this dude married and on a date with me? And look, I'm on a date with a PI who has a gun in his pocket and wants to blindfold me to take me on a romantic surprise. This dating series is perfect for any inspiring detective. I have to stop with my pop culture jokes because I think I'm the only one who laughs at them, but like bad dad jokes, but I can't stop myself, but

Speaker 3: 5:09

I love it. I love it.

Speaker 2: 5:10

That those books are in my head, but you actually publish a dating book. So what made you decide to write a book about dating in your twenties?

Speaker 3: 5:18

Yeah, so I was living in New York city at the time in my early twenties and I had started, I was dating and, you know, single, but dating and hooking up and all the things. And I started with my friend, a guy, friend of mine, a blog actually at the time called the game and YC doesn't exist anymore. And it was an anonymous blog, sharing our stories and, and, and whatever in the world is dating. So from there years later, I'm like, why is this not a book? Like this needs to be a book. So I ended up turning it into a book, turned it into and then, you know, added stories and observations and things and, and everything into the book. Um, but basically landed on that blog. And, uh, and know, I think people would enjoy reading this. Like everyone's got, you know, everyone goes through it and, you know, I found my stories to be fun and funny and embarrassing and you know, and some of the stories are my friend's story, but that's kind of where it started.

Speaker 2: 6:14

Okay. Are you kind of grateful that Tinder and Bumble wasn't around when you were in your twenties? Cause I kind of feel like it was a good thing for me.

Speaker 3: 6:23

Yeah. And like, it's funny, like I'm very grateful that it wasn't around then I was on J date at this point. I met an ex boyfriend on JD. Um, but that would be the only thing I did in terms of online dating. Cause nothing else is around then. I ended up getting in a serious relationship, got engaged, got married, all the things. And that's when dating apps got big, but I wasn't single. Now I'm single again recently divorced and I'm like, Oh God, this stuff. And not nothing single stuff. I'm not as his family. And so it's very interesting, um, that, yeah, it wasn't around, you know, 12 years ago and now it's like I'm back in it. It's very weird.

Speaker 2: 7:01

Okay. In my last episode, the picture perfect profile. I talk about how the leading photograph is the essential piece and direct link to your success. So I think this is like a perfect followup and in your book and I'm going to just read it directly. Yeah. So ladies, your Facebook and now I'm going to add Instagram because the book,

Speaker 3: 7:21

yeah, this is by the way guys, this came out in 2015, so this is a little outdated in terms of the technology.

Speaker 2: 7:28

Okay. So the profile pictures, everything, and this inspired me in your book. You say, ladies, your Facebook and Instagram profile picture is everything. And this really inspired me and got me thinking that people need to Marie Kondo their social media accounts. And as you tidy and remove any photographs that can hurt your cause before you joined the online dating world, if you're questioning, if you should keep it in a get rid of it, then it doesn't spark joy, just get rid of it. Right. Do you want to talk about that?

Speaker 3: 8:00

Yeah, I think, you know, in terms of the, so I guess, okay. In terms of the profile to trend, look, I I'm, I'm not an expert in this, but I run a lot of my observations and, and overtime and talking to other people, men and women. Um, I mean, I, my friends decide, sorry, let me back up. My friends who signed me up for two apps, two dating apps for now Kansan date. Right. I'm counting the days so I can see some of the month is up. So I really don't like to do that. But then, and the profile picture is everything. It's just like, I just immediately swipe. I don't even know if it's left or right. Like that way, like bad way when, I mean, why are you, first of all, if you're putting up a profile picture of you and like five of your friends, I have no idea who you are. I think your friend is hotter than you are. Then I realized you are not the hot friend and disappointment. So like don't put the, um, you know, group picture. And then you have these signs that are very, um, arrogant in the photo, you know, standing in front of the, you know, Mercedes Benz or the yacht. And I just feel like take stock of like the posting, whether it's on your dating app or your Instagram, because the people can find you these days. I mean, they can Google you Facebook, LinkedIn. I mean, you gotta be careful with, on what photos you have showing and think about not just like future employers, but like the people you might date

Speaker 2: 9:24

totally. You know, once they start chatting up online, they're gonna find your social media site and they're going to totally stop you and go through every single photograph. And so,

Speaker 3: 9:34

so that reading Marie Kondo that,

Speaker 2: 9:37

right, it doesn't spark joy. So this part of your book was the best. And I really think people are, they just don't know you're into social media. Like my producer, Tom isn't even on Facebook or Instagram, which is kind of cool to me, but for business, for, for your brand and my brand, we kind of have to be out there and a big presence in a big way, or we're not, we're not going to stay relevant. Um, but, but people don't realize that what you put up there, what you put online is going to impact your dating. This was the, this was the best from your book. I really was like, this isn't inspired me. Like this is so great. So I want to do a quick fire round and you can comment. So some of the examples from your book is talk about posing pictures.

Speaker 3: 10:28

Yeah. So

Speaker 2: 10:30

do you ever remember, like I'm like whipping out your book?

Speaker 3: 10:36

I love it. No, I love, I love that. You're actually thinking about knowing funny, because this is really so timely because like I said, my friend put me on these apps. So I am seeing, I'm like, I'm not in the thick of it, cause I'm not really doing it, but I'm on him. And so I'm kind of disliking for my own research even, and supposing pictures, like what's there kind of a natural pose. Like you want someone to envision being able to date you and talk to you and be with you. And then if they're looking on your Instagram or your Facebook, they want it to be able to envision, you know, be, you know, what am I trying to say, seeing what seamlessly existed in your life. So there are these very like forced poses, um, or you come off serious or you take yourself too seriously or like, you're, you know, it depends on your profession. You might be an Instagram model or something and you make money on like, that's your job. That's different. But like take yourself seriously in terms of the post section.

Speaker 2: 11:30

Right? So like don't always be in the middle in the photograph when it's like three people or right.

Speaker 3: 11:38

Casual. Like, not that I know, not that I'm necessarily doing it the right way, but like stop these. Okay. Now what kind of noxious photo that someone happened to take? Because it was a, you know, maybe a cool background, but I just think when it's forced, at least me, these are just my opinions for us. It doesn't feel like comfortable, impartial.

Speaker 2: 11:59

Honestly, you can see a lot in a photograph. You can see like the pain and suffering and people's eyes. You can see the insecurities, the, you know, side angle picture you wrote in the book or the hand on the hip. Um, the second trick, that was a funny one you wrote in your book.

Speaker 3: 12:21

He's my guy, friend and I, who did the blog, like C like really brainstormed on that. It's so funny on talking about all the different pictures. It's crazy. Like there are so many different, I mean, and now Facebook and Instagram is really more so a thing than Facebook, but I mean, it's still very relevant.

Speaker 2: 12:38

It's so relevant. And now I think this is why it's like important for your twenties versus your forties. So, or fifties. I think when you get to be a certain age, you're kind of like, this is the best I've got. And if I have to stand, you know, do the side angle picture. That's what I

Speaker 3: 12:56

totally,

Speaker 2: 12:57

but all right. So the one of the other ones was the partying pictures. And I, I talk about this in my swiping soiree where it's like, don't be falling down drunk on the Nantucket cobblestones and don't have every photograph holding a martini glass or doing shots. Like I, that's a big mistake. People make you talk about that too. Yeah.

Speaker 3: 13:20

Yeah. You know, it's funny, um, this dye that, um, I guess, quote, match with me on whatever you want to call it. He did that recently, but his Instagram is linked to his profile. So I went to it and I was immediately turned off. Not, not that I'm like, not proper in the least I can hang with the bathroom. I drink wine all the time. So like, it was one partying picture after the other, it was like one drunk and photo after the other. And I guess it's like, well, who are you trying to attract? Like if you're 22 maybe, or like in college and that's like, the vibe you're going for, but I'm 34. You're I think he was 32, like seemingly like a decent job. And like you're ambitious. And then every other picture is like drinking out of like a vodka bottle or, you know, and it's just like, if that's what we want for this life, but you're going to attract a certain person.

Speaker 2: 14:13

If you have all these photographs or you're falling down and you just look like sloppy and just, you look like a high risk candidate and successful and successful men don't want high-risk people who can't hang at some, you know, professional event. So it definitely,

Speaker 3: 14:33

yeah,

Speaker 2: 14:34

it definitely holds you back this. I try to, my daughter is 16 and I try to enforce this all the time where this is big, where it's like the revealing short, tight dress pictures.

Speaker 3: 14:46

Mm Hmm.

Speaker 2: 14:47

So

Speaker 3: 14:48

that's yeah. Trying to reinforce, we prefer to not wear those things

Speaker 2: 14:54

when you're 47, like I am, I think like the half naked in a bikini hanging out of a Jeep days are kind of gone.

Speaker 4: 15:02

Right? Exactly. I agree.

Speaker 2: 15:08

So the other category you have is a fancy dress pictures. And I have this thing where I talk about it in my, when I teach women, I say, find a photograph where you're, it's like, you're pretty woman photograph where you, now you have this beautiful dress and you've changed how people see you. What do you think? You think it's an unrealistic to not be in like your normal environment or what

Speaker 3: 15:34

I think it's okay. As long as there are other options, there are other, um, it's not just that picture because I think when you just see that picture, it's, I mean, it's like, wow, gorgeous picture. You were were just the best, not everyday life. That's not what you know, typically I am maybe, but more often than not, that's not your everyday life and that's not what you wear every day. But I think if you want someone to see you as kind of like, again, picturing them in your life, put the fancy picture up, but then also have a picture or a few pictures of you being more casual. Um, just again, so the person sees that it's not. And also if we're being honest, you might, the dire girl might be disappointed when they seen in real life, because you're not getting your hair done, your makeup, you know, smokey eye and red down unrealistic. Um, you know, this is not going to be your everyday. And I think I, again, I go back, I think it's really important to be able to see them as if, to be able to picture that in your life and in your world and in your eyes and everything. So, yeah, here's a fancy picture, but then also have the pageant.

Speaker 2: 16:41

Okay. So if we're going to do a profile on online dating, so no bathing suit pictures, would you say,

Speaker 3: 16:47

I mean, it's like, look, I would not, I would not put, um, I guess if you're like on a beach and you have the baby, now that cover up. Yeah. Whatever. But I mean, I'm sure, I don't know. I can't look, obviously I'm not looking at the girl's profile profiles, but I do. I mean, yeah, it was a great, that's wonderful, but I don't know. Do whatever works for you, but I personally, um, I, I wouldn't put it off there.

Speaker 2: 17:17

Okay. This is just so interesting to me that like, this is pre all the dating apps that you're writing this and it still stands true. Which is very cool. It's crazy. So the modeling pictures.

Speaker 3: 17:28

Oh yeah. Like the, like the, um, like Polaries one,

Speaker 2: 17:32

I definitely push the leading photograph to have it professionally taken because you want to look your best because you have, it's such a competitive game. You have to get them in an instant. But I think what you were probably thinking back then is like, almost like bad modeling pictures. Does that make sense? Okay.

Speaker 3: 17:50

Oh, you're saying, yeah. Almost like, I'm not like you're not even referring to necessarily headshots, although I have thoughts on that too, but I mean, if you, again, if you want to put up the model and texture, unless it's like super cheesy and not, you know, maybe save it, but put it up. And I just think, give a variety, like these guys that had this one picture of like, and shot or just them in a bathing suit. I really click away because I just like, no, like I just, I need to see more. And I think it's, I don't know. There's something about it. I need variety. So during the modeling one, but also do others.

Speaker 2: 18:26

Okay. What about photographs wearing sunglasses or hats?

Speaker 3: 18:31

This is such a thing I've been thinking about again, because I'm in this right now. Signed, had sunglasses on and some of the pictures, but don't just have sunglasses on and the pictures because we can't see your eyes and I'm going to click away because I think you're probably a serial killer because you're covering your eyes. What are you doing? What are you doing?

Speaker 2: 18:51

Right. Like, what are you hiding? What are you hiding? You evil, narcissist behind those.

Speaker 3: 19:00

Perhaps the reason that the photos you've chosen all have your sunglasses on,

Speaker 2: 19:04

right. Or there's like six photos and you're all in a photograph with your mom.

Speaker 3: 19:12

You're all like, I just want to reach out to these guys and just offer guidance and assistance on there. Not that I'm an expert, but I'm just like, it's my observation.

Speaker 2: 19:25

No, but you're seeing a lot, like I said, people can see a lot in a photograph. One of the things that you wrote about in your book was just one of the categories. And I talk about as well is don't put up pictures with guys, meaning, you know, is it like, um, is this an ex who's like lurking in the bushes? Like who, who is this person

Speaker 3: 19:47

with? The person of the opposite out.

Speaker 2: 19:49

Yeah. Cause it's confusing to men.

Speaker 3: 19:51

I agree. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's confusing. It's totally. I mean, look, obviously if they're posting the photo of them and this other girl or other, if it's, you know, whoever it is, it's not going to be their significant other on a dating app. That would be changed. But it's a world. Like, unless it's like obvious that it's your sister, your brother or something. I do think like some people don't even think they just throw out these random photos. I don't know. It's like very confused. And like, they want to see you. We don't want to be confused.

Speaker 2: 20:21

Right. Men can get easily confused. And then if they're confused, it's like in sales, like if you give them too many options and they're confused and you're overselling, then they just like bail. Right. Like it's like, okay, so, right.

Speaker 3: 20:35

Like the other way,

Speaker 2: 20:36

pictures of pets, this is a big topic. Like people are kind of putting up pictures of themselves with pets online as like a way to learn them in.

Speaker 3: 20:46

So intro,

Speaker 2: 20:48

I don't know. I mean, I got a dog at 45 and I got so many likes on Instagram that I couldn't believe it. So it's, it's kind of, it kind of humanizes you.

Speaker 3: 20:59

Yeah. Or I guess if there's like a little dog in your picture maybe.

Speaker 2: 21:06

Right. But then it's like, what if you're allergic? I don't know. It's kind of a tricky, a tricky one.

Speaker 3: 21:12

So it's weird because I, I love dogs. I am not a cat person. So it's died the other day. Like nothing for math river, whatever the hell it is. And he had picked her and I actually taste like, I don't, I'm just not like, like I'm just not a cat person. I'm a cat. And I actually, I was like, look, I'm going to be straight up with you. But so in that regard, it it's good that I saw the cat because maybe not have been a deal breaker for me. But like, it might be a deal breaker for us that I don't like. I feel like sometimes maybe it's good to see it, but like, there's like one or two pictures of agree, animals. And again, variety, I can cuddle with something

Speaker 2: 21:52

I wanted to just re wrap up the quickfire by reading a line. Again, this is an important line that I think was great from your book. So you've wrote though, guys are superficial. They don't want to pursue girls who are so obsessed with looking good for other people. This shows you probably don't have much to offer and they can see through it, just be yourself and act natural for your, your photograph. You've wrote pitcher. If you've got it flaunt, it you've got nothing to worry about. A great guy will find you. I thought that was really good. I mean, he wrote that in 2015, so you that's so awesome. So

Speaker 3: 22:30

yeah, I, cause I believe that I, so I still stand by that.

Speaker 2: 22:34

So great dating is a rocket science, but people tend to create fantasies, but what's happening. Like if he doesn't get back to you, he says like, you start to think, well, maybe he's just busy. That's why he's reached out. And so in your book you wrote under no circumstances, should you reach out to him? Can you tell me your unfiltered thoughts regarding reaching back out if you're

Speaker 3: 22:55

yeah. And you know, and I think totally changed, but I feel a little differently about that. And granted as, as five years ago at different time in my life for so long, I firmly believe in that whole book, movie notion that he took that, that into, like, he's not texting me, he's not calling me. And I actually had a guy on my podcast several months back at Garrett freebies, a comedian and talks a lot about dating. And he said, it's actually, he doesn't believe in that. He said, the guy named very well being to you, but he's doing, he's showing it in a way that he wants to show it. So then really the power is back on the girl or guy or girl like this and being a guy and a girl. But the girl, the power is back in the growth of the side, if she's okay with how he's able and capable of showing you this. So with that being said, which I do kind of believe in that now it's not that under no circumstances don't reach out, but like, don't reach out 117, like reach out if you don't hear back, okay, let me reach out again and then like leave it. I just think you're going to end up putting yourself in a situation that's gonna make you feel shitty and you're not going to know fully how we feel. And so I think you just have to kind of, um, so yeah, I definitely don't, you know, you can reach out, but just think about, um, how he's showing you he's into. And are you okay with how he does it? Does that make sense? Like it made more sense than Jared said it.

Speaker 2: 24:20

Right. Well, for me, I am like a serial texter. I it's like terrible. Like I write like Daniels steel novels, you know, back. Like I am just a heavy texter. Yeah.

Speaker 3: 24:34

Same, same thing.

Speaker 2: 24:36

So I had to learn to, to exit like pull, I always say like pull the Irish exit and be the first one to leave the text, do anything, like, sit on your hands, throw your phone into the ocean, whatever. But you know, men don't like that. Like the heavy texting.

Speaker 3: 24:55

No, it's so funny. They really like, they really don't do. I won't say all, but there's a dye friend of mine who is like just a friend that like the most, his texting is like one word. And so someone like you and me a lot, and I use a lot of exclamation marks and it's very like, you know, animated and it's authentic. That's just who I am. And then when you get responses from someone that are very like, okay, no, no problem. It's like, you automatically start over-analyzing and some of them just don't want to, they might not be big texters. I did think like at the end of the day, you're going to know if he's going to be here. You're going to know like, it's fine. Maybe it's not a good texter. Who's going to make an afternoon. He's going to make you a priority. It's not like you said, it's not rocket science. I think we just call ourselves the things we want to believe. And we really, if he's not showing the interest in the way we want him to, we're going to probably make up a story in our head that he follow maybe or what we're, I don't know, but it's actually not rocket science. It's pretty simple. If you look at it, you know, like if he's interested or not or not.

Speaker 2: 25:59

Right. I had like beautiful girlfriends of mine, just getting nailed on. Like, they just were shredded literally by these men. And I would just say, I would say forward me the text messages. And then I would just say disappear. And they're like, I can't, I'm like, do it go silent crickets. You're gone take your energy away. And then let's and they would be so afraid to do that, but it helped them tremendously because they gain their power back.

Speaker 3: 26:27

Right. That's what it is. Like, it really is this power thing. Like at least at the beginning, I think when you're, you know, in the courting stages or whatever you want to call it and the initial phases of it, all, it really is. It's like power thing. And then when you feel less powerful or when you feel vulnerable or, you know, you're not getting it reciprocated, it's like, it's totally a blow to your ego and self confidence, you know? So then it's like getting the power back then not responding, and then it's a game, but that's at the beginning it's kind of expected. Or maybe not. Some of us probably say it's very crystal clear and I, I don't necessarily agree with that.

Speaker 2: 27:06

I have made this a crucial mistake. So I had this great date with my boyfriend and the next day it was a holiday. And I just feel like, which I don't even, I would not recommend this, but I, cause now I just feel like have the guy reach out to you first because guys like to chase and hunt. And I basically, the next day sent him a message. Like I found my credit card and my license, like I'm like notorious for misplacing things. Cause my add. And I said, thank you for the date. Uh, I found this everything's like gray, what? A fun time or something. And he never responded. Cause he was playing that. Yeah. I never responded because he didn't know what to do either and he's trying to play it. Cool. And so I recent the text again, cause I was so pissed because I, and he, meanwhile, he's like, this girl is crazy, but um,

Speaker 3: 28:04

did you send it like 10 minutes later? A day later?

Speaker 2: 28:06

No, I send it like an hour or two later and because I had no, so I had to just sweat it out the whole night and the next morning he sent me flowers and he said like, yeah, like thank you for like an okay time. Cause that was like the big joke on that night. Like I'm like, this is fun. Right. And he was like, it's okay. I'm like, okay. Like, so that was like a big joke that we had. Oh. So there's, it's definitely awkward in the beginning when you're dating and you're going to make mistakes and you're not going to do everything perfectly, but like, don't be the girl who devil techs who sends self talks. Cause,

Speaker 3: 28:47

but that's so funny because you ended up working though.

Speaker 2: 28:50

Well, it just goes to my point, if a guy likes you, he's going to like swim across shark, infested waters for you. That's just it. Like, you can screw up a hundred times. You can, you know, cry and talk about your ex on the day. Don't do whatever. Like if he likes you, he likes you.

Speaker 3: 29:10

Well, that's the thing he likes you, you don't, or you, um, you know, you and your mind thinking you're being annoying or needy. If he likes you, he likes to like, he's not going to be like, not like you, because if he likes, he likes, if he doesn't like you, he doesn't like, I don't think it would be, make or break that made up his mind, like

Speaker 2: 29:31

right. One of the things I know this is fun. I think everyone needs to buy this book. I love it.

Speaker 3: 29:40

So feel bad as from five years ago,

Speaker 2: 29:43

I love it. I mean, there's things in here that are just like gems. Like one thing you say about texting is you say that don't text anything that you want him forwarding onto his friends.

Speaker 3: 29:56

Mm.

Speaker 2: 29:58

But that's like, you think that, I don't know. I would never have thought of that, I guess, but that's a good thing to say to someone in their twenties, I think.

Speaker 3: 30:08

Yeah. Well, um, and uh, I, I don't know what I mean. I don't want to see any of these. Some of these guys on these apps are all about the, what are they called? I mean, this might not be appropriate to bleep it out, but like six techs, like make a picture, like, no, like don't do that. What are you doing?

Speaker 2: 30:25

I know it's crazy.

Speaker 3: 30:27

Send anything. Yeah. Just anything that, I mean, look guys, screenshot things and send them to their friends size, do it. So just don't put anything in writing and you wouldn't want someone else to see.

Speaker 2: 30:39

Right, right. That's good advice. I'm going to, at the end of my episode, I always have like this week's Tinder tips. What are some, and I know you had a lot of lessons around love and dating. Do you, would you have any Tinder temps that we could add

Speaker 3: 30:53

and wait, say there?

Speaker 2: 30:56

So I always, Oh, sorry. So I always have these like Tinder tips this week. I have, um, you know, one is don't hold yourself back. Whether you want to share a pizza with El pres or manifest the manner. So I kind of write them based on what we talk about, but what is some of the most, like, do you have like a valuable lesson that you have from like your twenties or your thirties or pre

Speaker 3: 31:22

yeah, I guess the most like timely or relevant for me is, you know, cause I was married how long? Five and a half, five and a half years. Um, as together like seven and a half. And I think, um, I guess yeah, to be like early twenties and it's not, I hate that. I want it to sound condescending or look, I'm so old. I'm not, I'm 34, but I was so eager to get in a relationship to get married, the whole thing, you know, the whole big party, the whole wedding, like that was, it was like my goal. And so I was very eager to do that and I am a very different person now than I was. Um, and I think I just, like, I would say like, don't rush it. Like, it sounds ridiculous. But now that I've been married, I've been divorced and like everything in hindsight is 2020. I just like, not like, why did I rush it? Cause I don't regret it, but I would just say like, you're in your whole life, you're married. And like, I would probably say like, don't rush to eat, do all the things. But I was still eager like, Oh my God, like, you know, they're not getting married. And then I just think like, do you like do what works for you and then going into your thirties? Um, or if you're in a relationship and it might not be the right relationship and you kind of know that in your gut, but it's a lot to stay in it, trust yourself and don't stay in it just because it's comfortable. I could see why a while, long time to learn that. But I'm so grateful. I finally trusted my gut because my husband and I weren't right for each other as much as we love each other. But you have to listen to that, not to stay in it because it's the easier route I feel.

Speaker 2: 32:58

Right. What I think it's so brave, you know, a divorce is unfortunate and I've been divorced myself, but it's, it's brave and courageous to say this isn't working and I can't do this anymore. And I want to find something that works for me and is more supportive or whatever. So there's no shame in it. It's just, it happened. Things happen we're onto the next scenario. And so I think that's great advice. Don't rush it. Know that things will unfold. There's a plan in place and better things are on the horizon.

Speaker 3: 33:37

Exactly. And don't just say, I mean, it's so much easier to stay in it. Are you putting a targeting alone? It's scary. It's all the things, but you stay in it then you're going to have a life of, you know, kind of, um, status quo. I don't know. Is that fulfilling for you to ask me about that? But yeah, that's one of the many things I've learned over the last 10 years.

Speaker 2: 33:56

Right? All the painful lessons. But anyways, so tell, tell everyone how they can find you online and buy your book.

Speaker 3: 34:06

Oh yeah. Oh, thank you. So yeah, I went you Julie lauren.com my book, my podcast episode over, you can find your Derek, my articles and everything. And then on Instagram and all social media app by Judy Lauren. Um, and again, find everything there. I'm most active on Instagram and my podcast. You can find it anywhere.

Speaker 2: 34:29

Awesome. Thank you so much for being a guest today. And

Speaker 3: 34:34

I'm so excited. Yeah,

Speaker 2: 34:39

I can't wait. Thanks Julie. Thanks so much.

Speaker 1: 34:49

And now for this week's Tinder tips, number one, don't hold yourself back. Whether you want to share a pizza with El pres or manifest the man of your dreams, align yourself with what you want. Your thoughts are things and the law of attraction is more powerful than you think. Number two, show up as your most competent self be genuine. Don't be brave to be unfiltered. Being unfiltered shows. You have the strength and confidence to just be you like the Oscar Wilde quote, be yourself because everyone else is already taken. Number three opportunities, present themselves in ways. You've never imagined trust. If something doesn't work out, there's already something better in the pipeline. Things will unfold the way they should. I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. I'm Kerry, Brett, and we'll see you next time.

Speaker 5: 36:07

[inaudible].