Today's guest is Alyssa Dver, and she's a confidence crusader; she's even given a popular Ted Talk about her expertise in confidence. Alyssa is a leading coach on confidence, and in this week's episode, she teaches us how to become our best confident self because every decision we make in life or love is the direct impact of our confidence!
Alyssa is the author of 7 best selling books and the podcast's co-host, "In Confidence: Face Your Workplace." She is the founder and CEO of the American Confidence Institute and the ERG Leadership Alliance that directly impacts workplace diversity. She teaches classes at both Penn and MIT and is a sought-out expert by media and authors. She coaches many executives and is the advisor to several startups, and today she is going to advise how to be our confident best!
Kerry Brett and Alyssa Dver cover a lot of ground in this episode. Topics include;
What it takes to live a confident life.
Confidence is a result, not a requirement.
How to feel comfortable in your own skin.
What does confidence look like or doesn't
Confidence is a choice, so choose wisely.
How to recognize confident imposters.
How to remain confident if you accidently say the wrong thing.
How to manage these three feelings––failure, regret, rejection.
How to have compassion for yourself if you make a mistake.
Confidence is the sexist thing you can wear.
People are automatically attracted to confidence and most attracted to confidence.
Put the focus on the person you are on the dating. Make someone else matter.
How to impact others and appear confident on a date.
We lose our confidence at age 16, and we don't get it back until you are 60, why it's important to have confidence today.
When the rug is pulled out, and you have lots of setbacks and how it affects your confidence.
How to combat feelings of lack of confidence.
How to conquer the fear of dating by using helpful strategies.
You can find more information about Alyssa Dver on her website www.americanconfidenceinstitue.com or purchase her book "Confidence is a Choice".
I'm Carrie Brett , and this is shot at love . The first motivational show around online dating today's guest is Alyssa persevere , and she's a confidence Crusader she's even given a popular Ted talk about her expertise and confidence. Alyssa is a leading coach on confidence. And today she's going to teach us how to become our best competent self because every decision we make in life or love is the direct impact of our confidence. You won't want to miss it. So stay tuned. [inaudible] almost 16,000 people have downloaded Alyssa DeVeres Ted talk . She's the author of seven bestselling books and the cohost of the podcast in confidence base your workplace. She's the founder and CEO of the American confidence Institute and E R G leadership Alliance at directly impacts workplace diversity. She teaches classes at both Penn and MIT and is a sought out expert by media and authors. She coaches many executives and it is the advisor to several startups. And today she's going to advise us how to be our confident best welcome Melissa . Oh, it's looks like to be here at Carrie . Thank you so much. So thanks of our trivia shot . I love today. I'm so excited that you're here. Alyssa , I'm going to quote directly from your Ted talk. You said we've been taught that confidence is a result, not a requirement, but it's not true. So it enlightened us. Alyssa, tell us why having confidence is the secret. Why isSpeaker 2:
You packed a lot in that one question, but I love it. So let's start with, it's a requirement, not a result, right? Because in a lot of cases, we're told that we can get it after we work really hard, right? You know, you do something, whatever it is, and you keep working, working, working, and you're going to be confident. And what happens you say to yourself, why? I don't know . I feel good. I mean, I've done all the work I'm not there. So fallacy number one, LLC , number two is people will say, you know, you can do it. You, I did it, you can do it, right. So you're supposed to absorb it as a result of theirs and that doesn't ever happen. And the third fallacy that I talk about in my Ted talk and otherwise is the one that really ticks me off, which is people tell you to fake it till you make it right. Just, just fake it here. Just nobody is going to know and it's wrong. It's just not true. You know, it, they know that you're not feeling confident and you're trying to fake it. And even, you know, I would , I would love to do this in a scientific way. Everything I do is science-based , but I don't have a scientific way of measuring it, but I don't even think an actor can pull it off. Like we see it. We feel it. You can see it across the room. You didn't have to know the person. If they're not confident, feeling comfortable in their skin as we go sometimes call it right. You can see it,Speaker 1:
But Alyssa, I'm faking it right now.Speaker 2:
Nice try girlfriend and people really don't like to hear that. They want to believe that they can put on an air. They can kind of fake it. But the reality is we do have a sixth sense, right? Maybe a seventh and eighth sense in that respect. And if I were to quiz you right now and say, what does confidence look like versus what it doesn't. You could just rattle it off. Boom, boom, boom. Cause we do know it. It's inherent, not inherited that. We really understand this.Speaker 1:
Okay. So I want to talk about this, fake it till you make it. Because I did this really truly when I first started my career because I was started photographing people so young that in order to be taken seriously, because I was literally shooting covers in my early twenties. And I looked really young as well. So how I had to frame it in my mind to kind of be in the big leagues so quickly was I had to train my mind. I almost created an alter ego that carry the photographer was separate from Carrie , the person. So that way I could just be, have this like almost fake confidence. And then I would have rely on my abilities. So when you are younger or you say you are new to the dating world, I don't know. I mean, I think sometimes you have to say, you have to do whatever you have to do to get out there and to , to go do something that you fear. Right?Speaker 2:
Well, but let's, let's, let's go back. And what you said, because I'm going to put money on the table here, right here that you knew in your heart, you knew in your head, you had the skill, the talent, the ability you just maybe were worried perhaps about what other people would think by just looking at you or judging you from your age. So your alter ego wasn't faking confidence. Your alter ego was giving you the ability to say that what you see in this young body is not the capability that's really inside. So you, you made a decision, you know, the top Ted talk and my book is called confidence is a choice. You chose to be confident by being that person, because you knew inside that you were, that you could be and that you were able to do what needed to get done. So I don't think you were faking it, my friend. Oh, okay. You know, we're talking about faking it when people are almost like pedantic or they're condescending or they're one-upping, or they're doing these behaviors that, you know, we call imposters confidence, imposters or confidence, villains, even because that intent is at first, really trying to get you to believe that they're confident. And you say to yourself, cocky person. Hmm . Are they really good? Or are they just trying to fake it? And in that moment, you can make a very good judgment. Usually if somebody is really trying to fake it, as opposed to if they really believe their confidence side,Speaker 1:
Right? So that's a common thing that people will do on dates. They're overconfident because they're nervous. So they are overselling. They keep talking, talking, talking, and you know, juggling cats. And what is the unit , whatever they're doing, they're basically lighting themselves on fire because they are nervous. And so someone can walk away from the date and be like, I didn't even get a word in edgewise and think that they blew the date. But I always say, well, why is that person acting that way?Speaker 2:
Cause they're nervous. Now the science in this, which we're not going to get too deep today, I promise nobody freak out on us. Don't you know , uh, is that when you're nervous, your brain gets that microsecond of a decision. It's a signal to you that something's not quite right in your universe that either a value need or a want is being violated. So something that is happening, you're going, Ooh, I don't like this emotionally. And that microsecond, if you identify it and recognize it, you can decide, you can choose to use it more productively. That's what you did with your alter ego. You chose to use it more productively. Most times though, people don't grab that microsecond, that amygdala moment. And we call it. And what happens is it goes into the part of the brain, the brainstem , and you get all nervous and aggressive or shy. You start acting as I fondly call it like a cave person, because that part of the brain is the oldest part of the human brain. And it's what helps us survive. So if you're starting a week out, you're starting to feel nervous about anything. Like you said, I can't do this. They don't like me. That's a reactive survival instinct for us to go into that kind of fake, shy, negative, aggressive, there's all kinds of behaviors that you would kind of associate with fight or flight. If you out there and you've taken psych one Oh one, you know, you want to either hide under the rug, we're run or you want to get aggressive. And you want to kind of combat that with over-talking right? Right.Speaker 1:
Happens. Typically on a date is you get out the door, you have a great outfit. Maybe it's not raining. Maybe you got a parking spot. Things are kind of working out in your favor and you sit down and you instantly accidentally put your foot in your mouth. Say the wrong thing. Maybe offend someone unwillingly. You thought you had it all in the bag and things are going to be okay. And then you say the wrong thing. And now all the air goes out of the balloon. How do you get your confidence back?Speaker 2:
You get it back. Well, let's start with, how do you get it in the first place, right? Because if you're walking out the door and you're thinking to yourself, I may say something I'm going to regret this date may fail. Or they may not like me, which are the three big fairs that trigger a confidence crisis. Failure, regret rejection. Doesn't matter. I could be talking about interviewing, could be talking about, go and have dinner with somebody that you know, you're related to. It doesn't have to be a date, could be anything. But those three fears, all of a sudden, that's that amygdala moment like, Ooh, something's coming at me. I'm not feeling so comfy. That's the moment you have to say to yourself, you know what? I'm worthy of this date. I'm worthy of being liked. And if they don't like me, well maybe they're not worth my time. I mean, you have to kind of almost give yourself a little pep talk to begin with because you're going on the date, the person accepted the date. So, you know, give yourself a little credit. You're there, you're here. You're going to do it right right now, how do you get it back? Pretty in a sense, you gave yourself a little self compassion and self compassion. Doesn't just mean giving yourself a break definitionally. It's really kind of cool. It means recognizing your human right. And humans screw up. Right? And so when you screw up, you say, Oh, that was pretty dumb. Sorry about that. You know, didn't mean to do that. And you almost don't laugh at yourself, but give yourself that Mulligan. Let's try that again.Speaker 1:
Right . So my first Tinder date, I overdressed for this dive bar and basically looked like I was hosting the country awards or something. I was in the top dress and Tiara and Oh God, what was I doing? But I jump up on this bar stool . It's all men at this like shady place. And it just was local. And in my town and the guy that I went on , my first date with said, I'm drinking a martini. Can I get you one? And I don't drink martinis, but I was like, okay, just because I didn't want to say, you know, I didn't know what to say. And I, and so he hands me a martini and I, and I grab it rather quickly cause I'm nervous and I spill it all all over my lap. Well, good. Cause you didn't want to drink it anyway. And I just started dying, laughing at myself and I made a joke, some kind of self deprecating joke about myself and he just looked right at me and he said, I like you already. Awesome. And so it was my blondness and my ability to just put myself out there in a big way and overdress and just be,Speaker 2:
Yeah, look, you're right. Yeah. You know, I'm going to ask you a question. I sure guests never do this, but I'm going to toss on your way. Like what's the sexiest thing you can wear . Is it beyond confidence? Is there anything that you could put physically put on in any, any scenario that would be any more attractive than confidence? And , and I say that in kind of a , a statement form, but think about it. If you walked in the bar like that one and you looked around the room, you see, and you smell confidence on people, you're automatically attracted to it. Right. You just kind of your head turns. So I think when you display that kind of, and you know, it's not the arrogant, cocky that she kind of confidence . We're talking about solid. Like, oops, I smell my drink. That sucks. Oh, well I didn't want to drink it anyway. Kind of thing. Um, yeah, it's sexy.Speaker 1:
Yeah, it totally is. And I've been, I've said this before, previously on the podcast that no matter who you choose to love confidence is the thing that someone is most attracted to. And I believe that, and people challenge me on that. Sometimes they'll say, you know, I've followed this person and this psychologist, whatever. Well, I've also been in the trenches dating for awhile and I have a lot of experience dating. And I would say for sure, that is something you need to have is confidence. And since you can't fake it till you make it, we're going to have to figure it out today.Speaker 2:
You know, I , when I was driving here, I thinking about, you know, some of the, just some of the things that I would want to share. And this was one thing that just resounds in my head on an ongoing basis. I had a friend in college and , um, I was always fascinated by her cause she was kind of short. She was heavy. She had very short, tightly curled hair and she wasn't particularly what I would call beautiful. But she had like confidence was an outer pores . And I remember going to like clubs and bars with her and she would get on the dance floor and dance. Like she was beyond say like, she didn't care. She was like, I'm here. Who wants to dance, man, Carrie , she could get anyone she wanted. Anyway,Speaker 1:
I believe that. I know that. I mean, it's not people put too much emphasis on looks for sure on these dating sites and none of us are perfect. And our beauty is within and the exterior beauty, isn't what wins. Right ? Well, you're a photographer, right? So I studied a few days .Speaker 2:
You study beauty, but you know, probably better than any human being that what shows up on the film, not just through your lens, but literally at the end result, like somebody said to me yesterday and I told him I was coming to see you . Like , we're going to take pictures on all this. They said to me, aren't you nervous? I said, no, because it's a camera and Carrie's a professional and I'm very confident. And I said, but here's the secret. Like if you look at the camera and you're like, Hey friend, we're here to do something awesome together that shows up on the film, right? Like it's the fear that shows when people are nervous, it shows up on the end result. I think so again, it even not just transcribes itself on our human brain when we see it in real life, you know, person to person, but I'm sure you see it in the eyes and the results of your photos do you?Speaker 1:
Oh, I see the difference for me say, having a conversation with you, I pull the camera in front of my face and then there's another person who appears in front of me. And then I have to say, okay, we're very stressed out in the forehead and eyes and you know , just get a shot of Botox. You know , I just have to break everybody down and they trust me that your true self, who your heart is who you are as a person, that's going to photograph the vest.Speaker 2:
That's right. That's right now you said something that, another myth and there's lots of them in this confidence vocabulary, but you said confidence is from within. And I do a bit of a number on that statement in some of my work too, because yes, you have to feel confident on the inside, but it does not allow you to look like lousy on the outside. Right. And they are SIM Biotics. So COVID as we're recording right now, a lot of people are having a hard time. Like even I walked in, I was like, Oh my God, my hair is not what it usually is. Like, you know, you don't have all the primp and proper that you normally would, but you know what part of the game is really that saying to yourself, you know what? I'm looking pretty good given the circumstances and I'm okay with that. But I don't want to give people permission to say, well, I feel really good inside, so I can go on a date or I can do whatever I want without really caring about the outside because they really are very, very closely tied and they feed each other.Speaker 1:
Right. I been feeling this lately because I have to be photographed myself on Monday and I ordered some things and they're not going to come because there's delays. And I'm like, whatever. I have a million friends in this town. I , if I need a color scheme or something for my idea for the shoot, I'll go into one of my friend's closets or, you know, it's really not about the clothing right now. Um, it's really about the person or the message. And I know what the pandemic, both men and women are feeling very stressed emotionally and financially. So how, if you're feeling like this, do you put yourself out there when you certainly don't feel your best because of the external situation that's happening? Yeah .Speaker 2:
Hard. And it kind of ties back to the question you asked before. And I don't think I actually answered it well, which is how do you get back your confidence? So how do you get there? How do you get back in particular right now? Right. A lot of self care messages all over the place. Right. You know, sleep more, eat, better, exercise all this that. Yeah. Great. Wonderful. I think we have to all be very, very open and honest with ourselves, but with each other. And I, I , um , I have a bit of a, a hang up right now that social media is almost, you know, as bad as it was before in terms of killing people's confidence. It's making it worse because people are posting stuff that is either older or not, you know, not COVID compliant, I guess I would say, you know, where they look perfectly polished and that's not the real world right now. So, you know, again, self-compassion, we are human. We can only do so much. There's only so much we can control. And I would invite people to take this opportunity. And I use that word very deliberately opportunity. Did you, the foundational stuff, you don't really work on your, you know, who you are, who you want to be, what is it you want to re represent? And there's an exercise. If you'll allow me to share with your listeners that I think is so game changing that , um, it really kind of gives us that foundation when all else seems like it's a mock and it sounds depressing. So bear with me, it's called a eulogy and I spell it. Y O U L G Y. And the exercise is to sit down glass of whatever makes you happy. Take about 15 minutes and write down if you were to die, who's going to give the eulogy. And what do you want them to say? And the reason that this is really important is what pops off the page. Isn't Oh, she was the world's greatest photographer. Oh, she wore the red so, well, it's not that it's not even that, you know, she had, you know, a great studio or is none of that it's she was so generous. She was a loyal friend. She had insight into people that really made them feel confident. It's, it's those kinds of things that pop off that page. And so when you that on the page, and then you can like pull that out any day that you're feeling like, Oh, nobody loves me or I can't do this or whatever. Um, it reminds you, you know what? You're pretty awesome. You're pretty cool. And you have a direction and you've purpose and that you matter. And that's really what it's about. That's what confidence is.Speaker 1:
It is. And I think your life is when you look back and everything that you've accomplished or all the, all the stuff or the things you had, it's really how you made others feel. Yeah . And that's a really good tip actually on a date, you know, listen to them, ask them questions about themselves, really be compassionate and be supportive because that, and they ended the day is better than any great outfit you can pick that's right. Because people forget about that really fast.Speaker 2:
Yeah. Making somebody else matter . So you know what? I, I have a podcast, as you mentioned too. And I wonder if you have the same situation where you get guests and I'm trying not to do it out of love for being a podcast as well, where they just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And they forget that the podcast stir is actually human too. So if you can reach across the table, whether it's a date or an interview or a podcast or that matter and make the other person matter, it's a good day. Isn't it? That's a good day.Speaker 1:
Yeah . Because why people tune in and why people listen is because there's something for them. It's about them. It's not about say you and I, we're just here trying to, you know , give information that helps. And we all want to impact others. We, we all want to be that bright shining light in a crowded room. And I know that everyone wants to appear competent on a date. And you say that confidence is a choice and not something that we're born with. So if we aren't given this at birth and is not in our DNA, how do any of us have any confidence at all?Speaker 2:
Well, we'd learn it at a very young age. Aren't we have something in our brains called mirror neurons, and we observed the world. We'd figure it out. We get that sixth, seventh, and eighth sense. I mentioned before, by understanding what confidence looks like and feels like we kind of absorb it in that way. But by age 16, one sex , it gets crushed. And I mean, crushed the boys. We know statistically lose about 30% of their confidence. Girls lose about 50%. And Kara , you saw the Ted talk . So you know the punchline, but the magic age, we finally get it back.Speaker 1:
Six, zero.Speaker 2:
Thanks. Doesn't it at 60. Yeah. Now why is that? Because all that, all those years, it takes us to figure out that the reality is most people are not noticing the color of your shoes. They're not noticing you got some, a little bit of lunch on your tie. They're just noticing the fact that you actually feel confident and that you make them feel good about their confidence. And if you can kind of master that skill, doesn't matter what you're wearing. It doesn't matter what you say or what you spill, right?Speaker 1:
You're confident gets crushed when you're 16, right. Folks out there get your face. She's like,Speaker 2:
Oh, so 16 at all goes to hell. But what happens to someone like me who gets divorced with a baby, but in, you know, eight years later, another longterm relationship falls apart. And she finds herself dating on Tinder at the age of 43. I mean, these events have to typically affect someone's confidence. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. So what makes it even a harder journey? You know, we're trying to figure out who we are, what we want to be and all this good stuff. And we have these perpetual rugs being pulled out. In your case, you just listed a couple, but you knew what everyone you talk to you . And when you in the coaching business, everybody's got a bunch of MIS and rugs, right? It could be that they had a physical challenge. Their child had a challenge. There were abused as children. It could be anything. I'll be honest with you. You know, sometimes when people come to me and they whine about being laid off, I almost want to slap them upside the head, but you know what, for a lot of people, they put a lot of everything into their job. And so when that rug gets pulled out, it's sometimes it's really as traumatic as anything else for that matter. So all these things kind of break our neural pathways. If you will, they can start building scripts in our brains about our self worth, about who and what we thought we were. The reality checks sometimes really hurt you say, you know, I'm a really good X , whatever it is, and you lose the job, you lose a relationship and then you go home. Maybe I wasn't and maybe that's true, or maybe it's not, but your brain believes that you're broken. And that trauma, yeah. That kicks your confidence too , for sure. Wow. All right . This is all great. So we're going to take a quick break. When we come back, Alyssa is going to continue to talk about what it takes to live a confident life.Speaker 3:
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Welcome back, Alyssa. I want to talk about dating during the pandemic. And I know these examples are signs of not feeling confident on a date because I've felt this way when your lack of confidence creeps in and people might avoid eye contact or shift around in their seat or look down or around the room, how can we choose confidence in this situation to help navigate these feelings? Are there actual practices that can help us? Wow. Yeah, absolutely. And they are all signs of anxiety, right? They're and again, when we have that amygdala moment, we say I'm not comfortable. Something is pushing outside my boundaries. And I I'm trying to go into a little survival turtle mode. You know, those are all strategies. If I don't look at you, maybe you don't look at me, right. Or if I can get just kind of get out of the situation physically or emotionally, then I don't really exist in it. And therefore I'm not uncomfortable anymore. Right. So first and foremost is to recognize when it's happening, grab it and say, Oh, I feel like I want to look away. No, I'm not going to look away. Maybe close your eyes and refocus. That's kind of the very , uh, maybe easiest idea, but it's not always the easiest to do. So. I'm going to give you a really practical tip, think for a minute about something that is a happy place for you and your brain. It could be a song. It could be a photo. It could be a memory. Would you be so kind to eat , share it even at a high level? Just what are you thinking? Something that when you think about you go, Oh, that was a good day. Or that was a great experience. What was it?Speaker 1:
I mean, yeah. I have great experiences. I have, I love to be in Nantucket. I love the ocean.Speaker 2:
You imagine one specific day that you were in Nantucket near the ocean. Is there some particular photograph in your brain?Speaker 1:
Yeah, I can think of a photograph of , uh , my boyfriend and I on his birthday in Nantucket . And it makes me happy, but that doesn't help someone say who's on a date, you know? Right. Yeah.Speaker 2:
Maybe, maybe just think about the, you know, the ocean and the looking at the ocean and going, wow, I love being here. If you have maybe a lucky charm or a pet, even that you love something that just makes you go, ah, I love that. Now here's the secret. This is called something called a structure. And for those of you who are into the Ted talk series into the Ted talk, you know, watching Ted talks, Amy Cuddy is one of the top, all time, Ted talkers. And she talks about power poses and standing up and sitting up straight and the impact it has on our neurotransmission. And that's a fancy way of saying when you stand or sit up straight, Amy Cuddy's work says that you actually trigger some really good chemical and neurological behavior in your body. That subsequently makes you feel positive and good and accomplished. And guess what confident it also suppresses some of that anxiety that makes you want to cut it Twitch and blink and all those things that you mentioned before. So her example of standing up, standing up straight is actually neurologically and psychologically called a structure. You can use the same concept, just like the athletes do when they warm up at bat, you know, we're in Boston area, the big Poppy's standing at that broad base, doing all his like way weak stuff. You know, that's a structure and it's not because he's warming up his muscles. It's, he's kind of talent is his brain game time. We can do this. We got this all kinds of structures work. You know, you have a rabbit's foot great. Maybe in your pocket. One of these tips that athletes use, I think it would be phenomenal on a date is take a picture or, or have that picture of whatever makes you happy. Stick it in a pocket where when you start to feel that don't want to look at the person feeling you may be top your pocket. And what that can do again, is it triggers literal neurotransmission so that you can feel better in control. And it's, it's a trick that a lot of professionals use. So I'm hoping it might help some of the folks that are,Speaker 1:
You know, I photograph big poppy multiple times and guess what? Athletes don't feel confident they're in the shoot. Most of the time, we all, no matter how successful, whatever we do. Yeah . We have moments of feeling not confident. And if you have tools that can overcome that, especially in such a vulnerable place of online dating, then bring them on.Speaker 2:
Well, you know, here's the truth. If I had a photograph big Bobby , I would freak out and you would like bring it on, right. Cause that's your, that's your lane. That's your comfort zone. So, you know, on a date, maybe that just in and of itself is not a comfort zone for anyone, right? Let's just face it again because self-compassionate , this is not something that anyone really wants to do if they didn't have to, in the sense that I don't want to be judged by somebody, I don't want to feel uncomfortable. I want to be with people that I'm comfortable. So the cyst situation, I say, you know, interviews, think about an, enter , a job interview or college interview, right? You're going into the situation, knowing that you're being judged. I mean, geez, that's terrible for the human psychology, right? It puts us into high amygdala alert . So you're walking into a situation where, you know, your brain is going to be literally trying to pull away from it. So what you can do is just kind of re keep reminding it. And a structure is a great way to do it, to say, you know what? It's all right. We got this. And what's the worst that can happen. I mean, I'm sure you've talked about this on other podcasts. What's the worst that can happen. You don't like the person. You don't like them. They don't like you. I mean, like it's not only for death and I don't want to trivialize it, but at the same time, our brain wants us to believe that this is so important that we got to perform. And you know what? It's not that you're up at bat like big poppy . Who's like at the, you know, has to win the world series. This is just part of what you need to do to do what you need to do. Right. So different perspective .Speaker 1:
It's interesting because big poppy , David, he's trained to go into, to channel his power and repetition and every, all of his guests . So when he steps up on plate, he knows exactly what to do. It's, you know, when I step into the room to photograph, say him for a cover, I know exactly what to do, but you know, confidence inside now, what was it like to do a Ted talk? How did you get the most confidence you had thatSpeaker 2:
Same thing you and David do. I practiced and practice, you know, we said before, it's a result. It's not a result. It's a requirement. Right? And I say that in the Ted talk, but the way you get there is you get prepared. And you know, I know I've done. I don't know how many hundreds of talks, keynotes and workshops. I know I can do this. So when the Ted talk time came, boy , that's a tongue twister. You know, it was really practicing, was not winging it. It was not pretending. I remember going to the rehearsal, Carrie , like I think it was a week before and there are other top, the other speakers that were there. They had memorized their scripts . So when they forgot where they were, they like melted down. You could just see the terror. And so I had to kind of pull them together and I was like, look, you're the only one who knows that you're off script. And there's just less , as long as you know your stuff, you know what you're going to say. You have some slides there to kind of bring you back onto the track. The thing that's tough with a Ted talk, it's tough with any presentation, but really tough with Ted is you got that big darn clock in the back and they remind you like it's nobody's business. If you go over, you know, you're out. So that puts that extra fear in everyone's brain . So that the reality is you have to be able to get back on track fast. And the only way you do that, the only way you hit a home run, the only way you get great photos and ones shoot studio shot. So you come prepared, you know what you doing?Speaker 1:
You come prepared. But what if the VA, what Don, Don, Don, you gotta have that sound effect somewhere. Don't Don don't . What if the bottom has fallen out so many times and you've had so many failed relationships or your choices that you've made have let you down, or you've let yourself down. So now your self worth is basically nonexistent. What would your advice be for that person?Speaker 2:
And I'm looking at you and I can see it in your eyes, right? Like, you know that there's other people out here who are going come on level with us, right? Life is a laboratory. That's another one of my famous phrases. And here's the thing. If we keep banging our heads against the wall and we don't change that behavior, we start to bleed and people say that we're insane. So I would invite if you're doing the same thing over and over again, and it's not working, you know, it doesn't mean that you're broken. That you're no good. No, it means that something's not right. It could be anything. So self-awareness whether you want to take a Myers-Brigg exam like assessment, or you want to get a friend's input. You know, one of the things that I do tell people that I think is a really good exercise is after you do that, eulogy is take the time to email or call up five friends and say to them, give me five words that describe me. Like, well , how would you describe me? Not if I were dead, but just literally, how do you describe me five words? And then compare their words with yours. Start to be more aware of what you're putting out. Start to be aware of what is being perceived. Not that you shouldn't necessarily care or even agree with what you're hearing, but a lot of times we live in our own bubble. We live in our own lies. You know, how many people are told when they're young, that they're not smart enough, pretty enough, good enough, fast enough, strong enough in some form. And then we grow up our entire lives, believing it. And we don't even know that we believe it. It just it's a thread through everything. We do. You know, I, I do a lot of work with neuroscientists and , and more and more we're learning about the brain. We're starting to see those early implanted in those continue traumas. Some of the things we talked about before, they just start to lay those foundations, those roads in our brains , neural pathways, literally that then direct everything we do and believe , and our mindset and our behaviors. So if we're not aware of them, we can't change them. And when I said, life is a laboratory, you know what? If you start to observe and really pay attention to what's going on inside and around you, at least you have some sense of what might work does it mean it's going to no . Cause in a laboratory things don't always work out. Even if they worked out yesterday, right? Something changed. The humidity's different. The , uh, you know, there's a chemical particle that wasn't there yet, whatever, but at least you have a better shot because you studied the result, you study the ingredients. And I think we have to look at our own lives a little bit more like laboratories and not fixed. This is the way it is. Cause it's notSpeaker 1:
Right . They would have a lot of fun with my brain, I think in one of the laboratories .Speaker 2:
Yeah. You know, well, you know, and there's, there's all this great new technology, right? That we really we're learning so much about the brain. And it's fantastic, but I mean, you pull away at what the core essence is, is nothing new. If you look at like Eastern techniques, mindfulness, meditation, acupuncture, martial arts, I can, you know, on and on and on. Even back in the biblical kind of writings, you see some of this too , is this foundation of being really in touch with your brain, like knowing that you can say to your brain, you know what, knock it off. I just spilled a drink. It's okay. And not letting the brain we're on a mock you know, having that higher level of control, that higher awareness. And I think there's a lot to be said for something that's stuck around three, 5,000 years, right. Didn't work. We wouldn't be doing yoga still. Right.Speaker 1:
So , well, I mean, we all want love, but a lot of times people feel like they've made mistakes and they feel that they are unlovable. And you're saying, just get rid of these default behaviors or these storylines or these lies, I guessSpeaker 2:
It's , it's easy. Just get rid of it . Right. I don't want to trivialize the , the impact this has, but to maybe rationalize it to be like, you know what, maybe I did not do such a good job there, or maybe I should find out what really happened or maybe that was just not meant to be. And I need to move on. I am a really big believer that things happen for a reason. And in that context that if a door closes, it means it wasn't the door I was supposed to go through. And there's another door that I have to find. And I think, you know, when I work with a lot of salespeople and folks that are very competitive and they get very frustrated by their own, you know, Oh , I should be able to do this. You know, sometimes it's just, again, you're banging your head against the wrong wall and you gotta stop look and say, what am I doing wrong? Figure it out, move on, find the next door, find the next sale. And I pulled out sales because you know, that life is also a law of numbers. And in dating no different that sometimes it's going to take more than you ever imagined or want to find that right door. Right. And my brother in law who often spews a lot of garbage one day said to me, you know, if you're , if it's 10 out of one, that it's going to actually be a good date or a good sale, you should tell the nine that you , you know why that didn't work out. Hey, thanks. You got me closer to the one that worked, you know, and I thought that's kind of a good attitude. And I , and I started practicing it. And you know, when you realize it's just part of the process and every one of those, just get them out of the way. It's closer to the right door. But you have to be open minded to it. You have to keep looking for it. And quite honestly, you can't keep opening the same door over and over again.Speaker 1:
Right. It's true. It's true. And it's like, thank you for the thing that I wanted, or I thought I wanted at the time that it didn't work out, you know, because that wasn't serving me reallySpeaker 2:
Serving you. And so, you know, maybe take away some of the personal it's my fault and more, I am just part of this experiment, this laboratory of life. And I have to go through the ,Speaker 1:
Yes , we all have the power, the superpower , and you're teaching us how to use it. And what are some helpful tips or tricks when we're having a bad day or we're just say knocked off our access. I know you've mentioned before celebrating small wins as one of them. Can you mention another strategy? I know you said, you know, think of a nice memory, you know, a structureSpeaker 2:
Please kind of thing I have, but have that handy. Um, yeah. So I mean, two of them I'll take that structure concept and kinda knock it up a notch, put a bunch of those things on your cellphone . Like put a song, put a memory, put a picture, put a quote, put hundreds of them, put them in a file and you're feeling low. You pull it out, you remind yourself, you know what? I'm pretty awesome. The other thing is what I call three happy things. And they are three happy things that you can very quickly and easily go to. And I I'll give you my own examples . Like one of them's marathon bread. I love Wegman's marathon bread. It makes me happy when I have a bad day or something's just not going right. I console myself and I say, you know what ? I deserve a piece of marathon bread because you know what? I had marathon bread six weeks ago when something hit the fan and I got through it and here I am eating marathon Brannick ads . So it's kind of a way of tricking my brain to say, you know what? You're going to get through this too. That's great.Speaker 1:
That's great. So this is my last question. I find that fear is the number one thing that holds people back from joining the big, scary, online dating world. How can improving one's confidence help us conquer those fears?Speaker 2:
Well, it's kind of the summary of everything we talked about, right? Like fear is it fear makes us act like cave. People makes us nervous, makes us anxious, makes us do stupid things like try and fake it. Right? So recognizing that everybody, myself included my friend has our confidence moments, good and bad. It's part of the rollercoaster part of the laboratory. We are all human we're in this together. And at the same time, you know what, the days that are great, let's celebrate them. The days are not so great. Let's just put them asideSpeaker 1:
As part of the process. Alyssa , I love you. [inaudible] I really want to take your course. I'm going to, I can't thank you enough for being here today and helping us find our value and improve our superpower , our confidence here's to braving new things, celebrating the small wins and living our best confident life. Can you tell the listeners about your American confidence Institute and where they can find you? Sure. Thank you so much. I wish everyone the best and most confident, beautiful future and find me and all these tools that Carrie just [email protected] Great. And now for this week, Tinder tips, number one, never be a prisoner of your path . It was just the lesson. Not a life sentence whatever's happened in your past. Never let it affect your confidence. Number two little by little, we are all moving forward and taking steps towards a positive future. Don't forget to celebrate the little wins regardless of how small and number three, remember confidence is a choice. So when dating choose wisely, I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up that commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. If you'd like me to photograph you for your online dating profile DME , or email me above my shot. I love promotion . I'm Carrie Brett , and we'll see you next time. [inaudible] .