Love Can't Be Quarantined With Love Amy's Amy Nobile

In this episode, Shot@Love welcome's back Amy Nobile, the owner of Love, Amy a Dating Concierge service that helps you find love. Amy brings us up to speed with what's happening with love this spring. The dating landscape has dramatically changed, but the basic principles remain. Amy shares the keys to becoming successful online and why your most valuable asset is positive energy and an attitude of yes! She encourages us to stop playing small, get out there and find love regardless of what's happening in the world around us, at the same time, reminding us why optimism and hope are essential in our journey to love.

 Amy Nobile found love on Bumble and was so inspired she decided to share with others what worked for her and Love, Amy was born. She's different than most "Dating Coaches" because she takes a holistic, inside-out look at who you are, what makes you uniquely you, your core values, and who you truly want to attract. Amy is also a successful author who's published four books. She's been featured in the New York Times, Business Insider, and even the Today Show. Amy helps teach you how to become successful and ultimately find love.

Kerry Brett and Amy Nobile cover a lot of ground. Topics include;
How to be in the world now by overcoming social anxiety.
There are more than double the number of users now and why you should lever the edge.
The most significant predictor of success is having positive energy around finding love.
Why you need to have 100 percent certainty that you will find love on an app.
Think about the time we spent mindlessly scrolling through social media, yet why can't people find a few hours a day to spend on dating apps?.
Why you need to be fully invested and "all in" when using dating apps.
How to get to the point of feeling fully worthy of finding love.Why your blocks come out in the form of a million excuses.
It's not about perfection or filters. It's about being true to you.
Why worrying about the future or how things will work out is another block.
If you project out fear, you will only pull in a partner who is also fear-based.
Love is blooming, it's happening, and the time is now. So, go for it!

 For more information about Amy Nobile or Love, Amy go to www.loveamy.co or follow on Instagram @love.amy.nyc.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

I'm Carrie Brett, and this the shot at love today. We welcome back. Amy Novelli, the owner of love Amy, a dating concierge service that helps you find love. Amy will bring us up to speed with what's happening with love and dating. This spring, the dating landscape has dramatically changed, but the basic principles are made. Amy's going to share these caves to becoming successful online and why your most valuable asset is positive energy and an attitude of yes, she's going to encourage us to stop playing small, get out there and find love, regardless of what's happening in the world, around us at the same time, reminding us why optimism and hope are essential in our journey to love you won't want to miss it. So stay tuned. Amy Novelli found love on Bumble and she was so inspired. She decided to share with others. What worked for her and love Amy was born. She's different than most dating coaches because she takes a holistic inside out. Look at who you are. What makes you uniquely you, your core values and who you truly want to attract. Amy is also a successful author. Who's published four books. She's been featured in the New York times, business insider. And even the today show Amy helps teach you how to be successful and ultimately find love. Hey Amy, I'm so excited to have you back on again.

Speaker 2: 1:34

Hey Carrie, always, I always have so much fun talking to you, so I'm super excited. I know I'm like

Speaker 1: 1:39

I need some Amy in my world today. Cause you're just like bringing the positivity and you're just such a Ray of sunshine.

Speaker 3: 1:49

[inaudible]

Speaker 1: 1:50

So what's been happening. It's been seven months since you've been on the show and yeah, so now there's like digital dating coaches and people are having zoom divorces from the comfort of their own home. Not sure if it's very comfortable, but it's

Speaker 3: 2:04

Like divorces up 50%.

Speaker 1: 2:07

Take us up to speed.

Speaker 2: 2:09

Yeah. I can't believe it's been seven months. I feel like it could have been seven years. It's just crazy. COVID time. It's so boring. Uh, but what I'm seeing now and you know, I can really feel this, uh, I have a line around the block again and we're not even COVID snap. Not really, even over we're in our last leg of it, thankfully and, and vaccinations are happening. Uh, but, but what I've seen is, again, we kind of started to touch on this seven months ago. I'm seeing it in full force where people have truly reprioritized their lives at this point and dating. And when you work with me, it's, you know, it's an investment. People are choosing to find love over things like buy a new car, go on a vacation. Although travel is top it's. I probably tie with travel up there. But in terms of what is important to them, I'm happy. You know, people are coming to me right and left saying, that's it, I'm scared to death. And I now have social anxiety because of COVID. However, I need to prioritize this. I can't do it alone and I'm ready. And I get I'm now averaging probably five or six calls a week. And it's just, it keeps going up each week. Um, and so I, I do have, I'm starting to get a little bit of a waitlist.

Speaker 1: 3:28

That's good when you came on. I think it was around when we first went into lockdown and we knew we kind of projected how we thought things were going to go. We knew that people were going to just lose it and say, that's it. I want to find love. And I'm going to make it a priority. And I've read a recent statistic that the 50% increase in divorces. I think 34% of those 50% of divorces blame the pandemic. And you had mentioned on a previous episode that this was make or break for couples. And so it's definitely different people feel like, I mean, I often joke about this show. I'm like my friends are so shut down that an a lot of people are that they just aren't coming to the phone. They're just not texting back. They're losing their skills of socializing. And I see it. And so I'm grateful to do the show each week. Cause I'm like, at least I get to talk to some people

Speaker 2: 4:27

It's so true. It's so true. And I mean, if you remember at the beginning of the pandemic, I mean, we were all doing like zoom happy hours with our girlfriends. And you know, we got burnt out on all of that. And w you know, going inward is great to an extent, but when that's all that becomes your comfort zone, you know, it's hard enough. I mean, when you are someone who, you know, aren't you, you're not that social to begin with. And we all, we all get really comfortable over time. And so the uncomfortable has been, come become comfortable. And now we all have to start thinking a little bit differently. I mean, offices are reopening, you know, people aren't used to this, you know, dating, uh, this, our cities are starting to reopen. I have current clients who literally need a pep talk before each outing, because it's sort of, like you said, it's like a reminder of how to actually be in the world now. And it's, it's, it's wild. I mean, people are dreaming with masks on, I mean, that's how pervasive COVID has been in our lives. I have clients who are so used to the walk and talk dates and masks that it sort of terrifies them to go indoors and have like an actual meal where you're face to face. So, so there are really big challenges to overcome, but, but the beautiful thing is we are in the last leg of this and there will be a time not so far away when we look back and say, wow, that really a thing, gosh, you know, that was so much harder than I thought it was. I can't believe we powered through. I mean, this will be a memory. And so, uh, you know, I always try to remind people that, you know, this is the best possible time to get everything together and start dating and, and leveraging the apps. I mean, there are more than double the amount of users right now on, on each and every app, a dating app, and more than ever, especially for men, it's interesting on their actual profiles. They're saying, you know, I am serious bucketing, serious LTR long-term relationship, and I'm coaching super differently right now than questions that my clients that I'm coaching them to ask on dates one and two and three, four, and five, uh, are, are very, very different. Now

Speaker 1: 6:43

That's so interesting. I got a notification that they were going to do away with my Tinder account, which I freaked out because I have, I have like seriously Netflix areas of, of information there between text messages and like just the funniest things ever in within that account. And that's so funny. I have printed it all out at one point for my swiping soiree seminar, but I, I just didn't want all that information to go away. And so I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but I had to, you know, keep it active. And so they're like, yeah, you still have a Tinder account, which I don't use. Obviously I don't use it because I've been in relationship for five years, but It's totally, it sounds like a suspect, but I often will open up the app to show someone who's afraid to use it. This is how you use it. This is what's out there. You know, don't be afraid of it. This is who's in this radius. So it doesn't happen all the time. But, um, it didn't want all that information to go away for the years that I was on Tinder. And, um, it is so funny, but the first person that came up, I just, I just looked at it and it, and the guy was like, I took a screenshot of him because I, I felt like there was proof that there was a good person that looked like a viable lead. Does that make sense? You know, cause I feel like people think there's just no one out there. And, and when, when I was on, I was there and I didn't really have that much competition because there wasn't Bumble, everyone was afraid my age to go on Tinder. And I can't believe now there's double the amount of people.

Speaker 2: 8:29

Oh yeah. I mean, it's really insane now, given that I always lead with that statistic still it's really mind blowing and it's, you know, well I have a job, but right on average people dip their toe in and last about 14 seconds and they're right, because all it takes to your point is a couple of swipes of like, Oh God, Oh God, our God. And it's such an interesting phenomenon to me because I tell my clients have a gazillion guidelines and rules and isms. But one of the biggest things I've heard is like people aren't their profile and their profile. It's no, one's real until you meet them in person. And so, you know, the need to distance yourself and look at it through the prism of, that's pretend you're swiping for your best friends and have fun with it and make it an adventure, an adventure and a journey. I mean, the apps are true gifts. And so, but, but that really is the biggest barrier to get over is that, that belief, you know, and I'm super Wuhan spiritual as you know. And so, you know, that, that whole idea that, that it's true. If I could break it down, the biggest, the biggest thing that I see as, as the predictor of success, the biggest trait is positive energy and this unwavering belief that this can happen. I mean, I always say to my clients, listen, what if I told you with a hundred percent certainty that the love of your life, biggest love you could ever imagine is right at the other side of this journey. And I, and we know it, we know that this person is here. How would you approach swiping and talking every day, right? How would you do that? You would get up and literally before you brush your teeth, the first thing you do and you, you know, and you'd laugh at some of the funny, you know, off center profiles or profiles that aren't for you. And then maybe after a hundred swipes, there's someone like, Oh, that's kind of interesting. And you kind of throw out some witty banter and you go off on your day. I mean, that's, that's the energy that we want and need, and I see it over and over and over. It's really stunning today. And it's regardless of where you live, regardless of what you look like. I mean, it's really interesting.

Speaker 1: 10:38

I know, I know. Cause one of your posts that you put up, you said, what would it look like if you were a hundred percent invested with a hundred percent certainty, that that person was on the other side. And I don't know what happens somewhere. And I try to go back to where I was in my life, even though everything was just a disaster at that point in my life, nothing was perfect by any means. And I feel like it's like, everyone's life right now during the pandemic. I just feel like I just knew I had so much faith that I, cause I really, really, really wanted to find love. And I had just had so much faith that I would find love. So no matter what happened, I just attacked it every day.

Speaker 2: 11:25

Where did that come from? Where did that come from? That phase?

Speaker 1: 11:29

I I'm trying to think. I mean, I feel like I knew that I had put so much good into past relationships and I had been like terribly, I felt like I had been really wronged and like kind of like left, you know, just heartbroken and I know good people get screwed over all the time. It happens like bad things happen to good people every day. But again, that's probably the spiritual piece w with me is that I just believed in karma. And I, and I also believe if you show up enough, if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you actually do the work, then that's an energy.

Speaker 2: 12:10

That's an absolutely, that's an energy

Speaker 1: 12:12

Doing. And I don't know, I just believed, I believed and it didn't take me that long. It took me about the first year was kind of a disaster because I had to fully give up on another relationship. You know, it was like one, I always tell people like, if you have something that you're, if you're dating someone right now and you know, you're half in half out, well then you're half in half out on a dating app and you, you have to be a hundred percent in. So

Speaker 2: 12:42

Like the unit. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 12:44

And so I help friends all the time who are going on the dating apps. And they're just like, I'm like what happened? You know, I'll give them like little things to do every day. And I'm like, are you spending an hour a day on this? And they're like an hour. I'm like, at least an hour. I spent like seven,

Speaker 2: 13:03

No, you're, you're, you're exactly right. I mean, and it's the 20 to one ratio for every 20 messages that you send out 20 hellos, maybe one will respond and you want five or six conversations going to get one mini screener day that week. So that's the re I do think people are stunned by that. But when you look at it, there are so many different types of people on the apps. It is a numbers game and that is what needs to go into it. And it's really amazing when you think about the time we spend mindlessly scrolling Instagram, I know my mindlessly, all the different social media, if you, if you added that up, I mean, it can be hours per day and, and finding the love of your life can maybe an hour, maybe an hour or two a day. It really is. I mean, what's, what's more valuable. So it really is giving that mindset to somebody. But, but I think it's deeper than that, right? It's the innate fear of being vulnerable. And we all, you know, if I could given my experience over the last few years, the biggest I've sort of common denominator. Um, the biggest barrier to this is somewhere along the line, someone planted a seed and you believe that that said I'm not fully worthy, like fully worthy of like knock your socks off kind of love. And that's the common denominator. It really is. And we all, to some extent, have a little bit of it, whether it's from growing up or watching love, you know, or some sort of form of less love or being heard, like you said, like being really damaged and really wounded. And so unless you're a fully, fully, fully evolved human who immediately can repair and go deep into the work, which none of us are fully prepared. Um, that is that lingering doubt is what affects everything. Right. And so that, yeah, that's it

Speaker 1: 15:15

A huge block for people. Huge. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 15:19

Yeah. And most people don't know that they have it. Right. It's just, it comes out in the form of excuses like, Oh, you know, I don't really have time to do this. Oh, I, you know, I don't, uh, I, yeah. I need to lose those five pounds. Um, yeah. And just, you know, so when I start to hear stuff like that, I think, Oh boy, okay. Like there's work to be done. Um, cause we all have it. We all have a million excuses. I mean, most people, it's funny. It's like, it's almost advert inversely proportional because my clients are rock stars. They're just like the whole package. Right. So successful in their, in their jobs. And then when it comes to this subject, it's like, Oh my God, I'm terrified. And I don't know what to do. I think everybody just needs to know that a it's normal to feel terrified to try this. And there is a method to the madness. And right now in this moment is the best moment. Think about it. COVID is ending. The weather's getting warmer. You will be able to go outside and meet people and start to interact in a semi-normal fashion and dating it's it's literal spring fever. I mean, I don't think people understand what's about to hit, you know, between travel and dating. And I just want people to like slow their roll and be careful because when this thing nearly end of spring, beginning of summer, there's going to be a lot of action happening. So

Speaker 1: 16:49

It's going to open up so big. And I know, I don't know, still people are, it's been funny cause this month I've done a lot of portraits actually. And every person who comes in before I used to be like, totally, like, I don't know I would, they would come in and people, they don't have to wear a mask, but I always wear a mask and I'm further enough apart, but I can't photograph someone obviously with a mask on. So it's just like in the beginning it was always like, Oh my God, I have to meet my clients and a mask. It was like, so horrifying. I hated it. Um, but I obviously wanted to protect them, but every person lately who's been coming to me, it's like, I haven't put on a suit in a year. Like I just got my hair colored after nine months. Like I had to pull myself together. I didn't even know if I could get into the suit and it's one person after another. So then I think about Dana and I'm like, you gotta get back out there because you know, one year turns into two years turns into. Yeah. So, so

Speaker 2: 17:50

Yes we have. So we have this huge opportunity right now. And then we also have this like sort of like barrier to entry where, you know, my boyfriend, I was just overheard him on a firm-wide call is opening his, they're literally reopening their financial firm in New York city. Um, on May 3rd. And it's a big deal. It's not just, if you feel like coming in it's we're opening, right. We are opening. Everybody must attend. And it was like crickets, you know, it's like, Oh my God. Um, it's it. I think it's really interesting that I do think there's sort of this behavioral aspect to this where we've gotten used to being so inward. And, um, and there is such a social anxiety, even like people that I know who are super social, they've developed this social anxiety. And I think, I think that's a real thing

Speaker 1: 18:42

I do too. And it's just like, can anyone pick up the phone like lately? Like I, if you get away from it and, and before I would just say, okay, well, people are in survival and if they've shut down and you know that, I mean, we've been through hard times. Like it's weird almost like this time. I can remember when I was dealing with a very bad breakup. Like I didn't talk to anyone or people didn't really want to call me because I didn't have anything good to say.[inaudible] like, why can't you get it together? You know? But, um, you ever just avoid me totally, but that's not a good place either. You know? It's like you, you need support. But this insecurity that you talk about, it's fascinating to me because I agree with you. It's like the first thing. Cause we've both helped a lot of people with these dating apps. And I wrote, I've been writing a lot lately and I wrote an essay last night. Well, I've been writing it for a couple of weeks, but I finished it last night. And I compare the insecurity of online dating to American idol and American idol. If these contestants step into their power and bring it in a big way and be who they are and like use their natural born talents and step on that stage and quiet their insecurities, they nail it. But why they fail within their performance is because they don't believe in themselves totally. And kind of percent. And so it's like, I love that. You know, if you, how would you attack online dating if you had a hundred percent certainty that, that person's on the other side and like held that vision. That's such strong energy, that's visual energy, like all of it.

Speaker 2: 20:36

And you don't know who they are, you don't know which candidate, you don't know which person they might be. So you're going to give your best self to every single person, even if it's surprising to you, it's we all carry these biases about our type. And, Oh, I, you know, I ha I can't tell how many clients say to me, cause sometimes I'll get in there as you know, and I'll swipe and talk as them. And, you know, they don't know when I'm coming. So like, they'll see people just show up in the queue and Bumble and they'll be like, Oh, he must've been in there. And um, you know, and they'll call me and be like, w what's going on here? Like what's with that. But I didn't swipe on him and I'll say, yeah, but he takes a lot of boxes and that's all we know right now. He's big into family, you know, he's, he wants a long-term commitment. He loves to travel. I mean, you know, but I don't, I don't, I don't date guys that are my height. I just, you know, whatever it is, right. Like we come, we come loaded with these biases and crazy. It is crazy because we really, really don't know, you know, the package that our person's going to comment. I mean, we don't. And so we're doing ourselves a huge disservice to, and again, some of that is just excuses, you know, to keep, to keep us from, from getting vulnerable and connecting. But that is part of it is too is, you know, wow. Like this is just it's it's energy and it's connection. And, and I think you and I talked about this before, but it's worth repeating that with online dating, you know, the chemistry can work in reverse and it can be a slower build. And so, you know, going into each day, and this is especially with where we are with COVID, it's like just learning one new thing. That's it just, just getting curious and learning one new thing about each person you're you're meeting. And, you know, I, I ended up setting up friends. I ended up getting investor contacts, you know, it's um, so it's not about like, Oh God, this is horrifying. This is like a job interview. And I'm, I need to be chosen. It's more like, all right, you know, game on let's look, I, you know, I want to get a, who am I to meet today? And by the way, if you know, it's a 30 minute juice as your first mini screener day, it's okay if, you know, within the first 30 seconds, but it's not a match. It's like, no sweat.

Speaker 1: 22:54

I know it's like that optimism. And I laugh because I remember a conversation I had with my boyfriend, like right in the beginning, I was like, are you really five 11? I mean, would it have mattered if he was like, I mean, why was I even saying them? But I had found that so many people had lied and I'm tall. And when I taller, I'm not, you know, I'm five eight, but like in heels I could be like five, 10, whatever. And, but let's be honest. How often are we wearing heels now? Nowadays days?

Speaker 2: 23:24

Well, it's just funny because we're all trying to portray ourselves a certain way, you know? And that's another thing I see all the time too, is like, you know, when I, when I put together a profile for a client, you know, I'm teasing out all of the like quirks and you know, what they think are weird qualities about themselves. And, and it's like, those are the qualities, you know, those, the things it's just, it's the realness, it's the authenticity. It's the, the willingness to get vulnerable. That's so attractive. Right. You know, someone who's self-effacing has no, that's the person who, you know, that's why like Seinfeld and curb your enthusiasm. I mean, it's that ability to just be real and kind of shove your ego aside a little bit. Um, and, and I think that, you know, it's not about perfection and it's not about portraying yourself a certain way with filters and it's, it's just being really, really true to you. You know, I think, you know, it's like my client who, um, you know, presents herself as super, super, you know, kind of serious in a law firm and then travels with her blender, she's obsessed with committees. And, you know, there's, I have a million of those examples. I'm like teasing that out. You know, I have a male client who got, he got kicked out of CVS cause he was hoarding Lysol wipes. And, um, you know, during the pandemic and he's, you know, he's this like super successful, like good looking guy. And like, it's, it's just, he's very funny. And so it's really like really kind of just being yourself and not being afraid to put it out there. So at the end of the day, you know, who do you want to attract? You want to attract someone who appreciates that about you?

Speaker 4: 25:05

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Speaker 1: 25:42

Well, I just, this is interesting new information that I wish I had like 10 years ago, but I came across this relationship scientist, which comes at dating advice like in a company like we, Amy, you and I were like, we did field research. Like[inaudible], that's how we got our data. You know, we're not like pooling these hard down and dirty. I'm really excited about this upcoming guests, Gary Lewandowski, and in his book stronger than you think he discovered in his research that attractiveness didn't help the relationship. And he referenced a Harvard study from 2017, which proved that having a hot partner wasn't ideal, and this study, they went through hundreds and hundreds of yearbooks. They identified the most attractive men, then check their marriage status. And the study found that these like class babes literally had shorter, had shorter marriages and were more likely to divorce. They stayed single longer. Cause you know, they're probably like keeping all their options open and couldn't control their wandering. I often that attractiveness became the thing that the other person despise leading to jealousy or cheating. And so I thought that was so interesting because so often people, they just judged by the exterior. And like you say, nine, nine times out of 10, your person isn't coming in the package that you think. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 27:20

Yeah. I mean, seriously, what if we, what if we couldn't, what if we had, you know, temporary? I mean, I, there's a reality show with this concept, but like if we just led with our, our energy and our gut and our soul and our, and we listened, you know, and we weren't so fixated, you know, if we just had like a fuzzy filter and we weren't able to really see what these people look like, and we were just kind of like getting on the phone with them for first dates. I mean, getting a dog so much differently, you know, it's just, it really is. So it's so interesting. We're, we're, we're clouding our own vision, you know, constantly.

Speaker 1: 27:57

It's like, why don't we look for instead of the height thing, which a lot of people do, which, you know, I don't even know why I said that. I think for me, I had been like lied to a lot, like people would say, I'm this I'm that. And then I got there and they weren't any of those things. And so I think it was more like, I want someone to be truthful. It wasn't so much, I don't care if you are six feet or, you know, five, whatever. It didn't matter really. Cause I was going to fall in love with that person, but you know, we tend to go for these stereotypes and we all do it. And most of the time our S our assumptions are wrong. And then,

Speaker 2: 28:37

Yeah. So what would

Speaker 1: 28:39

Your advice be to tell people like, look for trustworthy eyes or genuine smile, or, you know, don't be so based on judgment.

Speaker 2: 28:48

Yeah. It's really hard. It's really hard. I mean, we all did it. You did it. I did it, you know, we you're allowed to have your non-negotiables don't get me wrong. I mean, for me, they were teeth. Um, you know, we, we all, like, I just had a teeth thing I can tell if he was in a group shot, like, Oh, they're yellow, forget it. Like, I just did it.

Speaker 1: 29:09

You can't get one, you know what I mean? You can, that doesn't have to stay that way. You know? It's like,

Speaker 2: 29:14

No, it's true. But like, you know, I went on a date with a guy talking about teeth and I had, you know, I really check the pictures out, seemed fine. Really. And we went on our first date and he laughed and he turned to the left and he was missing like three teeth. You know what I mean? Like, and that's, and that seems like maybe super superficial. I don't know. But like, my point is, we're all allowed to have those, those things. That's such a Seinfeld isn't right. Like, Oh, I can't do that. I guess some people just have PTSD from a former relationship and they can't get over it. I don't. Okay. All right. You're allowed to have it, but in general, in general, what I say to my clients, like, don't get hung up on the photos. A, I mean, usually, you know, this carrier, usually guys just, they don't care enough to take really good photos. I mean, women are a little bit more obsessed with the photo of her. And so guys are like going to throw up what they have or they'll have Facebook, like, you know, populate their dating profile. So they have three of the same photo in a row. So funny. And so it's sort of like, unless it's, you know, just obvious that this is an absolute, no, there's no way to try to come from a place of yes. And, you know, we have very limited information to me, it's like a weight system. So, you know, once my clients fill out the intake form and we talk about it and we really know what we're looking for from a core value standpoint. So let's say that honesty, spirituality and family, you know, those, let's just say, those are your things, you know, you might come across a profile that like those three things are so evident in this person's profile. And the photos are really mediocre. It's hard to tell, and maybe the height is a little off, but you're going to, I'm going to weight that I'm going to weight that pretty heavily towards core values, because that's really important, you know, for some people, education is important. Um, you know what particular job, maybe it's a philanthropy job, you know? So you just have to look at it. You have four seconds that you're taking for each profile to evaluate, because you have to sort of like, look at it like a weight system and give a little leeway, right. Because if you're, if you're so focused on what they look like in the photos above all else, you're going to get in a lane that you can't get out of. And it's just, that's why people give up. Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope.

Speaker 1: 31:32

And what does perfection? It's like, it doesn't exist and it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist.

Speaker 2: 31:38

Facet of our conditioning of our imagination of, you know, so much of it. I love this quote and I say this a lot to my clients, um, replace expectations with gratitude because we, we all go into all of every situation in our life, pretty much with an expectation of how this is going to go. Right. And if you can kind of release that and not be, um, you know, many Buddhist, right. But like try to try to not claim to an outcome so much. And it's, it really is. The magic is in the journey and all those weird twists and turns that you don't expect. And so much of the time we're like fighting against those twists and you're Oh, no, no, no. This is supposed to be a linear path to like magic. Like the way that I've plotted it out in my head. And the thing is the universe laughs at us. That's not how it goes. And so if you look at dating like this crazy fun, surprising journey, and I'm going to just embrace all these crazy twists and turns, then there you go. That's when stuff shows up when you least expect it. And then, you know, later when you look back in your life, you always can connect the dots. Always you can say, Oh gosh, thank God I didn't meet that. And think I didn't go with that because then I wouldn't have this. Or I didn't end up marrying that guy. Cause then I wouldn't have done this and we all have those, but when we're in it, we can't connect the dots yet. So we have to just have faith. Faith is faith is a huge concept.

Speaker 1: 33:08

And so think about that, the time that we're in right now, having hope and optimism when people are so tired and fatigued and

Speaker 2: 33:18

Based. Totally.

Speaker 1: 33:19

But that also is an energy, which is not helping your cause. And so, you know, you like I did, I didn't know what I was doing was helping me like, cause I had done made so many mistakes, but I always stayed laser focused and believed wholeheartedly that I would find love because

Speaker 2: 33:39

Right. And you're rare. You're a unicorn. That's rare, you know,

Speaker 1: 33:45

In many ways.

Speaker 2: 33:48

Yeah. Aren't we all right? Like it's true. It's like, it's true. It's like more than more than not each and every day we have a choice to choose. We can choose love or fear. Right? I mean, those are, you know, and how we're operating, what energy are we operating from? And so a lot of times when people come to me, I, in my questionnaire, I ask like, what do you need help with specifically? And, and a lot, a huge percentage of people say, Oh, I just, I picked the wrong people. I just do. I pick the wrong people time and time and time again, I it's the same pattern. Really what it is is they're projecting fear and they're getting fear. So they're projecting fear and they're getting fear back. They're getting people who are also afraid. And when you have two people who are coming from fear, guess what happens, right. Like, right. So, so flipping that script, it's hard and it takes work. But I think just the awareness, just the awareness of, and starting to name what's happening in you like, Oh boy, here I go again. Okay. I see what I'm doing. I'm making up an excuse and I'm not doing this today. Um, you know, that that's, that's the biggest part is just to help people become aware of their patterns and, and, and why they're doing what they're doing. Right.

Speaker 1: 35:04

I had a therapist say to me one time when she said, can you describe to me when you first pulled in like, like a viable guy who you could potentially end up with? I didn't end up with them because I still, it was too early for me. And you know, that obviously had to happen. I had to be shown that there were nice, wonderful people out there. And then I deserve that. And she said, because you got to a place Carrie, that you are only radiating love and hope. And that's why it mirrored. You have the chills. I love that.

Speaker 2: 35:39

And I was like, that's amazing.

Speaker 1: 35:40

No, what I was doing, but I just believed. And so when you worry, when you worry about the future or the master plan, that's a problem. It's another block.

Speaker 2: 35:53

It's another block. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, one of the, just again, it's like the core core, and I know, you know, this core tenants of this whole process is, you know, the first question on my questionnaire that I ask my clients is like, what are you doing to honor you? Like, what are you doing to heal you? What are you doing right now today? Um, to nurture your growth, to nurture your healing. And I know that it's not the right client for me. If they sort of look at me and say, this is not what I signed, but are you talking about, like, I just want to meet someone you're supposed to help me do that. And it really, really does start with you, um, in every way. And, and, you know, that's, that's just really, really important. So, you know, I get referred to by a lot of therapists and, and I've got like all kinds of healers in my arsenal. And so it's, it's just, it bears repeating that, that the first thing you need to do is, is look, look inward. And it happens. I see it all the time. I mean, the clients that come to me that are like, Oh girl, you have no idea. Like I've spent, you know, a lot of time and energy, just, you know, kind of rebooting myself and taking a really tough look at myself and, and sort of like ingesting some really harsh realities about ways that I need. Like, what was my part in my divorce? Like, how do I need to heal from that? Uh, how can I be better for, for the next person? I mean, that's the real magic work. And when clients come to me with that, then I'm like, Oh, stop the process. And inevitably, every time it's literally two weeks into our work, it's crazy. Like this it's just, you know, I can almost predict it. So yeah. I can see that that's valuable because that's what they're radiating. Right,

Speaker 1: 37:44

Right. But they've done the work and it's how they're showing up.

Speaker 2: 37:48

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Speaker 1: 37:52

Uh, leave on like a note of hope. And what do you think the biggest silver lining has been, or, you know, I know you, there have been success stories. People are finding love. Like, can you share like any positives from this past year in dating?

Speaker 2: 38:09

Absolutely. Absolutely. I have seen so much love, um, my first client, you know, got engaged and I just so, so many, so much good news. So the first thing to think about, and just to know that is that love is blooming. It is bright. It is here at the time is now and with COVID I think there's an opportunity for people to open up to each other rather quickly in the dating process. It's okay. It's okay. To be real it's okay. COVID is a great ice breaker. It's like, gosh, what have you learned? How was this really hard for you and your business? And that's just, it's just human. You know, there, there are no more huge facades and dating. This is we have all been through a war together. And so we have to approach it that way, like, okay, we're comrades in this, and now we're comrades and online dating and you kind of just giggle and say, okay, like, we're both showing up to this date. How are you? How's this been? And it's really beautiful and it's real. So it's an opportunity to just embrace the reality of who you are in such a beautiful way. Right.

Speaker 1: 39:16

Right. And it's like, embrace the sock that we're all living in right now. But, you know, celebrate the wins too. You know, you showed up, you had a good day, you know, like keep it going.

Speaker 2: 39:27

And just, I mean, the fact that you've got dressed and you went out and you interacted with another human that you didn't know before, and you're starting this new journey. I mean, celebrate that right. Do that once a week, you know? And, and, uh, it's, there's, there's going to be a lot, lot more love happening

Speaker 1: 39:45

If people take the steps and show up for themselves.

Speaker 2: 39:48

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 39:51

Where can people find you and go to hire you and have you help them be successful online?

Speaker 2: 39:57

Yeah. Yeah. And I will say this, um, I am happy and I love doing this. I will speak to absolutely anyone who wants advice for free of charge for, you know, half hour, 45 minutes, just to impart any tips that I can get there. Quick history, just give them a pep talk. So I'm happy to do that. Whether or not they end up hiring me. Um, you can read more about what I do and how I do it. It's um, loving amy.co C O so love amy.co and all my info's on there.

Speaker 1: 40:26

Great. Awesome. Well, you're the real deal and I'm so grateful for your time today.

Speaker 2: 40:32

Thank you, Carrie. It's always so much fun to talk

Speaker 1: 40:34

To you, so great. Thanks again. Alright, bye bye. And for now this week's Tinder tips and honor of today's guest Amy Novelli. These tips come directly from her. Number one, this is a new landscape we're living in, but people are finding love, just hold your vision for exactly what you want and feel what it feels like to achieve it. And your job is done. Number two, it's all about the energy. So raise your vibration to align with your higher. Good and let go of limiting beliefs. Number three, look beyond the exterior. When swiping on these dating apps, because like Amy said nine out of 10 times, your partner won't come in the package you think, I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment

Speaker 5: 41:34

To yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. If you'd like me to photograph you for your online dating profile, DME about my shot at love promotion. I'm Carrie Brett, and we'll see you next time.

Speaker 3: 42:01

[inaudible].