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What's The Worst That Could Happen? With Author Dara Kurtz

March 30, 2021 Kerry Brett Season 3 Episode 57
What's The Worst That Could Happen? With Author Dara Kurtz
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What's The Worst That Could Happen? With Author Dara Kurtz
Mar 30, 2021 Season 3 Episode 57
Kerry Brett

Today's guest is Dara Kurtz; she's a writer, speaker, podcaster, and blogger of "Crazy Perfect Life" and shares her wisdom on life, loss, and love. She discusses why we should take a hard look at what's important in our lives. Dara's secret to having a happy life is living fully and loving deeply. Her mom's death held her back for a long time, and she wasn't able to make the most of her life or relationships because she didn't want to risk getting hurt again. Dara shows us the importance of opening our hearts, letting people in, and why we can't live life to our best ability if we worry about what might happen. Dara also encourages us to go for anything we want because what's the worst that can happen? 

 Dara Kurtz is a wife and mother, and at the age of 42 she was diagnosed with cancer. Going through chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery changed Dara's perspective; what she thought was important wasn't so important anymore. She decided to leave her 20-year career as a personal banker and financial advisor to focus on writing. Her blog, "Crazy Perfect Life," has over 200,000 followers. She is the author of three books, Crush Cancer, The Crush Cancer Workbook, and I Am My Mother's Daughter. When Dara was 28, she lost her mother to cancer. She recently wrote a book about the letters and lessons from both her mother and grandmothers, which includes tips that can help strengthen our relationships or help us move forward in our journey in finding love. 

Kerry Brett and Dara Kurtz cover a lot of ground, topics include;
Embrace that life isn't perfect and messy, and all you can do is the best you can.
Why we need to stop reviewing regrets.
How to keep the keys to your own happiness in your pocket.
Why you need to stop caring or worrying about how other people are going to react to us.
Why it's important to stop trying to be perfect and live a peaceful life.
Why you should challenge yourself, face your fears and ask yourself the worst that can happen?
If you don't push yourself and try different things, you can rob yourself of love and joy.
You develop more confidence by taking risks and bringing in new experiences.
We need to stop being stuck in pain and get back to the business of living.
Why you need to stop putting things off and star living for today.
Why we should make the of precious time with loved ones.
If we close our hearts, then we are cheating ourselves on some of the best positive experiences.
Count your blessings instead of your problems.
You can learn to recognize and replace negative stories and decide what you want to tell yourself to believe.
If you expect good things to happen, they usually do.
The world can be our playground if we let it.

For more information about Dara Kurtz you can find out more on www.crazyperfectlife.com  Follow on Facebook Crazy Perfect Life by Dara Kurtz and Instagram @crazyperflife. 

Show Notes Transcript

Today's guest is Dara Kurtz; she's a writer, speaker, podcaster, and blogger of "Crazy Perfect Life" and shares her wisdom on life, loss, and love. She discusses why we should take a hard look at what's important in our lives. Dara's secret to having a happy life is living fully and loving deeply. Her mom's death held her back for a long time, and she wasn't able to make the most of her life or relationships because she didn't want to risk getting hurt again. Dara shows us the importance of opening our hearts, letting people in, and why we can't live life to our best ability if we worry about what might happen. Dara also encourages us to go for anything we want because what's the worst that can happen? 

 Dara Kurtz is a wife and mother, and at the age of 42 she was diagnosed with cancer. Going through chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery changed Dara's perspective; what she thought was important wasn't so important anymore. She decided to leave her 20-year career as a personal banker and financial advisor to focus on writing. Her blog, "Crazy Perfect Life," has over 200,000 followers. She is the author of three books, Crush Cancer, The Crush Cancer Workbook, and I Am My Mother's Daughter. When Dara was 28, she lost her mother to cancer. She recently wrote a book about the letters and lessons from both her mother and grandmothers, which includes tips that can help strengthen our relationships or help us move forward in our journey in finding love. 

Kerry Brett and Dara Kurtz cover a lot of ground, topics include;
Embrace that life isn't perfect and messy, and all you can do is the best you can.
Why we need to stop reviewing regrets.
How to keep the keys to your own happiness in your pocket.
Why you need to stop caring or worrying about how other people are going to react to us.
Why it's important to stop trying to be perfect and live a peaceful life.
Why you should challenge yourself, face your fears and ask yourself the worst that can happen?
If you don't push yourself and try different things, you can rob yourself of love and joy.
You develop more confidence by taking risks and bringing in new experiences.
We need to stop being stuck in pain and get back to the business of living.
Why you need to stop putting things off and star living for today.
Why we should make the of precious time with loved ones.
If we close our hearts, then we are cheating ourselves on some of the best positive experiences.
Count your blessings instead of your problems.
You can learn to recognize and replace negative stories and decide what you want to tell yourself to believe.
If you expect good things to happen, they usually do.
The world can be our playground if we let it.

For more information about Dara Kurtz you can find out more on www.crazyperfectlife.com  Follow on Facebook Crazy Perfect Life by Dara Kurtz and Instagram @crazyperflife. 

Speaker 1:

I'm Carrie Brett , and this is shot at love . Today's guest is dark Hertz . She's a writer, speaker, podcaster, and blogger of crazy perfect life . She's going to share her wisdom on life loss and love. She'll discuss why we should take a hard look at what's important in our lives. Dar secret to having a happy life is living fully and loving deeply. Her mom's death held her back for a long time and she wasn't able to make the most of her life or relationships because she didn't want to risk getting hurt. Again. Dara will show us the importance of opening our hearts, letting people in and why we can't live our life to our best ability. If we worry about what might happen when we come back , Darren will encourage us to go for anything we want, because what's the worst that can happen. We won't want to miss it. So stay to [inaudible] is a wife and a mother. And at the age of 42, she was diagnosed with cancer. Going through chemotherapy, radiation and surgery changed R's perspective. What she thought was important. Wasn't so important anymore. She decided to leave her 20 year career as a personal banker and financial advisor to focus on writing today. Her blog crazy perfect life has over 200,000 followers. She's the author of three books, crush cancer, the crush cancer workbook. And I am my mother's daughter when Dara was 28, she lost her mother to cancer. And she recently wrote a book about the letters and lessons from both her mother and grandmother's , which includes tips that can help strengthen our relationships or help us move forward in our journey and finding love. It is my honor to welcome Darra today. Hi Dara .

Speaker 2:

Hi. I'm so happy to be here with you.

Speaker 1:

This is great. I'm so excited to share these lessons that you wrote in your new book, which includes advice from your mother and grandmothers, and you wrote it . It was such a great book. I loved it. You wrote in your book that we become afraid when we don't know what's going to happen and COVID has taught us that we need to learn to do things differently. Your mom wrote a letter to you in 1986. Humans do have the capacity to survive and move forward. We can overcome difficult times. You've always looked at things in seasons. Can you talk about why looking at things in season serves you well?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so to be perfectly honest with you, I actually didn't always look at things in seasons. I mean, I, wasn't the positive, happy person that I am today when my mom passed away. I mean, I found myself in this space where I had a new baby and was trying to manage her loss at the same time. And I just sort of, kind of distracted myself and then life went on and then I went through breast cancer. And that was an incredibly challenging time, but kind of being on this side of things and sort of looking back, I realized that things are sort of in seasons, meaning that there are good seasons and more challenging seasons because we live on a polarity planet and life. Isn't perfect. There's there's ups and there's downs. And if we look at it and we , we remember that this is just a season, then I think it's easier to get through when we're in a really challenging situation or time in our lives, because we remind , we remind ourselves that this isn't going to last forever, that we're going to get through it. That good times are going to come. And I do truly believe that even though I've been through really challenging times, we do get through them and we do get to the other side. And , and that's really whelming grow is through a lot of these really challenging moments. Right?

Speaker 1:

Well, I remember you were just so honest and I can only imagine how painful it was for you to write about how you were angry. Like your mom did die when you were young and she was young and you had a new baby and you had all these friends who had young children and babies and they had their mom to support them and help them or talk to them. And, and I think that was good that you wrote about that because you had every right to feel that way, but then you realize that a lot of your life, you hang , you hung on to this grief and sadness and prob I mean, there's definitely stages of grief. So you learned to reframe it differently. I think once you found the letters, right?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I definitely was completely devastated at the loss of my mom and angry and just so upset that I felt like she got cheated, that we got cheated and, you know, because she passed away right. When my daughter was born, it's like every year my daughter had a birthday, it was like another year. My mom wasn't here with us to share our lives with. And it was really hard for me to kind of find peace around that because I would see all my friends as I was raising my daughter. And then I eventually had another daughter. I would see all my friends , parents just, you know, at all the things, all the life cycle events. And it was just a constant reminder of the loss. And I was, I w I did, I felt very angry about it, and I didn't know what to do with that. I didn't know how to, I didn't know what to do with those feelings and finding the bag of letters. Um, the letters were written to me when I was nine years old. The first time I went to sleep away camp until I graduated from college and just completely unintentionally, they ended up every, every time I got a letter, I would stick it in this bag. And the bag ended up in the back of my closet. And when my dad got remarried, the bag ended up here in my, in my grownup adult house. And finally I remembered I had that bag and it was 20 years after my mom passed away. When I finally remembered that, and one day opened the bag up and I was blown away by how much wisdom the letters contain . I felt like I was having a conversation with my mom. I could hear her voice. I could feel her personality. And there was so much wisdom. And it did finally help me accept what had happened and let go of all of the pain and the sadness.

Speaker 1:

Right. And you talk about like, almost beating yourself up that you wished you didn't go through all these different things. Like if you could just let it go, you know, and not have it affect you for so long, but grief. I mean, this isn't the oppression Olympics. Like, you know, these things take a lot of time and

Speaker 2:

Yeah, they take a lot of time, but also, like, I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to grieve. I didn't know how to give myself permission to feel the pain and the sadness. And instead, I tried to sort of distract myself and not think about the pain and the sadness. And what I learned is you can't run from grief. It's going to catch up with you eventually. And so, you know , that was a really important lesson that I learned. And finally, really did help me find my peace , but it's almost like I wanted to have a pencil eraser and I wanted to erase like the blemishes on my report card of life, if you will. And you know, we can't do that. We don't get that. We don't get to do that.

Speaker 1:

No, but that's, I mean, I would like to burn my report card.

Speaker 2:

You know, what I realized is that, you know, forget about the pencil eraser pen . So we're just burning it. But you know, what I realized is that, you know, like I wouldn't be the person that I am today. You wouldn't be the person you are, you wouldn't be the version that you are today. If we hadn't gone through all the things, and that's what makes us who we are. Right . Flaws and all right. Um, but you know, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Yeah ,

Speaker 1:

It's true. Like I , when you were talking about being a young mother, I had so much anger because I got divorced with a baby. And so all these families are going out to dinner and I'm out to dinner with a baby that can't talk back to me. You know, it was a really hard to have, not all the pieces in place. Not that I'm comparing by any means a divorce to the loss of your mom, but it is life isn't perfect . And

Speaker 2:

I think they are comparable because I think what we're saying is we have a picture in our mind of the way things should be. And I put that in quotation marks, the way we think our lives are going to play out the way we imagined and when they don't go that way, because life is messy. And , um, but it , it just, it's hard for us when we realize that we're living a life that doesn't look the way we thought it was gonna look. And so there is a lot of reframing that I think we get to, we have to choose to do when we're in those types of situations. Right?

Speaker 1:

Well, you do the best. You can, like, you've read that many places. It was like doing the best you can at the time of what you had has to be enough. And another thing you wrote, you said you can't enjoy your life to the fullest. If you're thinking about what might or might not happen or reviewing regrets. And I think that's something that a lot of people do, like definitely review of regrets, but that's not helping our costs.

Speaker 2:

No. I mean, I think we and myself included, I mean, I'm not perfect at all. And I don't want to ever present myself as someone that's got it all 100% figured out. Cause you know, we're all learning and being the best versions of ourselves. But I mean, I think when we replay things in our minds over and over again, and I did this a lot with my mom's death and , and you know, just different things that I had wished sort of maybe played out differently. The reality of it is we can replay those over and over again, but we're not going to change what happened. It happened. Right. And so, you know, kind of, for me, it was realizing that, that this is not serving me well, thinking about this all the time and trying to change the outcome, you know, it's not going to happen. And so that for me was like such a game changer in terms of like recognizing that it was, I didn't have the power to change it. And so I had to accept it. And that's really, for me when I was able to , to let go of the past and you know, really focus my energy on where I am today and right now, and creating relationships with the people that are living and that are right in front of me. And we all have that choice.

Speaker 1:

Right. And I thought it was really powerful when you you're a dinner and you were talking about the lesson for your daughter and she was like pushing you away or pushing your grandparents away. And you had written as one of the lessons to your daughter, the key is to make the most out of the time you have with the people in your life, don't waste time, don't close your heart because you want to protect it in the end. You'll be cheating yourself out of having the best possible relationships you could have with the people in your life. And I think this is a good one for someone who's getting over heartbreak or is lost now a COVID a lot of people lost a spouse and they may have be afraid to get back out there or they just are going to sit stuck, but the time is now. And so you talk a lot about the importance of not wasting time.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I remember that night, like it happened yesterday, my daughter obvi she's my youngest daughter. So after I went through breast cancer, she was 11 when I was diagnosed with that. And it's been seven years and I'm so grateful to be on this side of things, but it was incredibly hard for her to watch me go through chemo and lose my hair. And she was very scared and I was scared and it brought up a lot of things about my mom's death. And she had seen how hard it was for me to live in the world without my mom. And I'm sure that that all had it just, you know, I'm sure that it all had a lot to do with how she was kind of navigating through, but she was pushing me away. And it's like, she was angry with me for having gone through breast cancer and , um, not right away, but a few years later and I could feel her pushing me away. And, you know, I had taken her to counselors and we had talking to people and I really just, I did not know what to do , um, to kind of help her. And finally, one night we were eating dinner and she said something kind of snarky. And I just like had it. And I remember like putting my fork down and I was just like, you know what? I have had it. And it's not my fault. I didn't do it on purpose. But what you're doing is you're not giving yourself the opportunity to make the most out of the , the relationships you have with the people now. And you're cheating yourself for thinking about what might or might not happen. You're trying to protect your heart. She was trying to protect our heart because she didn't want to get hurt. And, you know, we, we all do that, right, because it doesn't feel good to get hurt or does it feel good to lose someone or love someone and then have that love not be returned, but you know, at the end of the day, we're just cheating ourselves out of having the best possible relationships we could have. And, you know, I'll take the risk over, possibly losing someone to making sure that I have the best possible relationships I can have any day. And I've learned that it's so much, it's so worth it.

Speaker 1:

Right. I like to, when you say you were at the table and you're like, listen, I'm not carrying this around. Like it happened. And I think a lot of times people can't let go of what action or , you know . Yeah .

Speaker 2:

Yeah. And it's guilt. I felt really guilty about watching my daughter. I felt really guilty about doing this to my daughters, if you will, you know, like I had any control over really what had happened, but I was carrying it, you know, and I felt responsible because if I hadn't gone through breast cancer, then she wouldn't have had to see all that. Then she went and , you know, blah, blah, blah. And so finally I was just like, I realized I had to let myself give, I have to give myself permission to let go of this guilt because it wasn't serving me well. And it, it just, it was a decision that I finally realized, like I was good. I wanted to give myself permission to do that. And that was kind of a game changer for all of us. Really. That's good .

Speaker 1:

Good. Well, I think you learned, and I don't know when this came in and I think, you know, with age we learn different things, but with grief, I love what you wrote. You said grief doesn't care. And when a song or a comment or an object triggers it, you've learned to let yourself feel whatever emotions come up, not judge yourself for being upset or crying or give yourself permission to feel the pain. And I think, you know, it's that permission to , everybody's going through so much right now that I find myself, like, I mean, they need to tone it down with the commercials lately. Cause it's like laying on everyone's motion, you know? And you know, sometimes it just gets to be overwhelming. And I dunno , I think we're like a good fit in a lot of ways because we are very empathetic and caring, but then there's also this perfection and like trying to do your best all the time that, you know , we've had to become kinder. I think.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. I mean, definitely I , I, for a long time, I definitely like put on a happy face for 10 and like, I was fine. Felt like I needed to sort of perfection. Yeah. That was, that's a great word for it. Um, and you know, if there's a lot of pressure around trying to be perfect, it's actually kind of exhausting. And so now I sort of embrace my imperfections. I embrace like all of it, the messy and , um, you know, especially right now with COVID and trying to figure out sort of where we go from here or what our lives look like now. I mean, I would just say to anyone, who's kind of trying to figure out how to go back into what their new normal is to give yourself permission, to like go slowly and figure out what feels right for you. And if other people judge you for that, then, you know , screw them. Because I mean, we've all been through a lot. Absolutely. It's been so such a hard year for everyone. And,

Speaker 1:

But I think it's good that you that's good. I mean, and yeah. Do what you can and do what feels right to you. I mean, I always am going to push VBL cause I feel like I have to, in a sense, because there's a lot of excuses around dating and getting back out there and dating during the COVID and all that. But the perfection is a problem. And I know, I think we both had to work on this and I mean, it works in your favor sometimes because it makes you good at your job. It makes you, you know, for you a good writer, whatever, you know, like practice makes perfect and all that. But I love how you shared in your book. You wrote your life. Isn't perfect. And neither is mine. We all have failures and missteps and sometimes you just have to fall under, you did your best. And I love what you wrote about . And I think this is excellent for people who are constantly seeking approval, especially in the dating world. And you wrote, you can't control what other people think. And if your happiness comes from their approval, you're basically giving them the keys to your soul.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. I love that. Quote. I love that. Sometimes when I hear things I'm like, wow, but I mean, it's so true, right? Like if we, we can't control what other people do. And so we can't control if other people are going to like us or, you know, they're, if they're going to want to be around us or, you know, all we can control is ourselves and how we feel and the way we act and the way we interact with people. And I mean, our happiness, everyone deserves to keep the keys to their happiness in their own pocket and not give it away for sure. Right.

Speaker 1:

But the thing I like about you is that you have this positive outlook and no matter what , the difficult things you've gone through in your life, you just have this strong determination to go for it. And the words of wisdom from your mom and 1986, she wrote to you, we have to push ourselves, we have to be willing to get a little uncomfortable. And it sounds like you got this mentally strong, positive attitude from your mom .

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely. And that was one of the hardest things when she had passed away, because she was like my cheerleader for so long. And then it was like, boom, she wasn't there. And I didn't have that person to be there to, to, to build me up, you know, to , to , to give me all this amazing wisdom all the time. And so I had to kind of figure out that I had it inside of me, but I didn't think I did. And for a really long time, I felt really insecure about everything. And um, you know, I think it can be really hard when we don't think we're strong enough. Right? Like we don't know, we don't think we have the skills that we need to have to navigate through. Um, and so that's when time can help. Cause then we can prove to ourselves that we do that we do have it and that we have to have it because if not, we're not gonna make the most out of every day of our lives. And we're not going to show up as fully as we can. And you know, at the end of the day, like life is precious every single day that we wake up that is such a gift. And I don't take it for granted and especially, you know, after COVID , I think a lot of people feel that way now, especially. And um, so I want to show up and be positive because at the end of the day, every day is not guaranteed. And so I can't make the most out of it. If I'm thinking about being perfect or worrying about what other someone else is going to think or how they're going to react, right. It's exhausting.

Speaker 1:

It is exhausting. And it's like, you talk about the stories that we all tell ourselves and you wrote that what you've come to realize and what you wish you knew back then is that the stories we tell ourselves become our reality. And even if our perceptions aren't accurate and they are birth out of, out of fears, life events and opinions of others and what we've been taught about our ego. And so when do you think you just got to the point where you stopped caring about what other people think?

Speaker 2:

I think what I went through, I mean, there's nothing more humbling than looking in a mirror and having no hair and seeing this bald , skinny, sick person staring back at you. I mean, it was such a humbling experience. And after I went through that, I found myself sort of completely terrified after I went through all like all the treatments and the doctors are like, okay, Daraa time to go back to living your life. And I literally had no idea how to do that anymore. And I was really scared. I was scared that I was going to get cancer again, that , um, you know, just all of the, what ifs. And finally I realized that basically I had a choice. I could spend the rest of my life worrying about what might or might not happen, or I could literally just say, you know what, I'm gonna make the most out of every single day of my life. And I'm going to put myself out there and I'm going to forgive myself and, you know, I'm just going to do a ton of work on myself and find my peace. And so it was really in that moment that I, I was kind of like, kind of so tired of fear of following me around. And , um, I was just kind of fed up with it with myself really. And that's when I realized that I needed to be intentional about it.

Speaker 1:

Right. I mean, I think that's when you quit your job.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I did. I quit my job. I was a financial advisor and I told my husband, I'm like, guess what? I'm not going back to work. Um, and you know, I just, I, I felt like I wanted to use the experience and help other people. And I didn't want to think about money all the time. And I realized that I wanted to write and connect to my heart and my soul and just do things that were really more meaningful to me. And going back to work, wasn't gonna fill me up anymore .

Speaker 3:

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Speaker 2:

So I, I did, I quit my , I , I did, I quit my job and started my blog crazy, perfect life. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. And I just was like, you know what, I'm going for it. I'm going to start writing. And I'm going to be a hundred percent open, honest, raw, transparent. And I didn't know how to do it any other way.

Speaker 1:

Right? Well, I mean, it must've been scary because you didn't know how you're gonna get these books published, but you didn't stop. And that's what I think is really cool about you is that you just, you're very daring and , and you just go for it. And, and I love that, you know, what's the worst that can happen because I think fear does stop us from our true potential.

Speaker 2:

Yes. And you know, for everyone who's listening to this podcast right now, if there's something that you really want to do and you know, in your heart, you're holding yourself back. I challenge you. I encourage you to literally ask yourself right now, what's the worst that can happen. And more than likely you can make a list of what's the worst that can happen. And more than likely it's not going to be that bad. And so when you really kind of look at that and face your fears and realize that, you know, okay, so I , I, right . And people don't like it, or I, you know, go out with this person and they don't like me, or we don't have a connection or, you know, I want this job and I'm afraid to go for it or whatever it is at the end of the day, there's so much to gain by taking those chances. And what we're losing is just the joy and the happiness that we can get from pushing ourselves a little bit.

Speaker 1:

Right. I agree. I mean, people definitely, I would definitely encourage people to go out with and talk to a lot of different people. And you talked about this in your book and you say something like, get out of your friend zone, you know, try a new workout that you normally wouldn't do. And your mom wrote to you in 1994, and she said, each new experience opens your eyes and broadens your horizon. Can you talk about the importance of trying new things and new experiences?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. I mean, if we don't try new things, our lives get stagnant and boring and dull, and we have to constantly, there's so many amazing things out there in the world. There's just right. Like every little category, food, amazing different kinds of foods , um, you know, different places to see amazing different places, different hobbies. We could be interested in careers. Like there's so many different kinds of people. I mean, right. Like every single category has like a hundred different flavors of ice cream kind of thing. And if we, if we, if we stay in the realm of what feels safe and we don't push ourselves to try a different flavor hobby or be around people that maybe we're not usually around what we're doing is we're actually kind of cheating ourselves from having the best possible experience that we could be having in terms of like our lives. And so, I mean, that's really how we grow also is we try new things and , and you know what, we're not going to like everything we try, you might go out with someone and you might think this is not my person. Or, you know, you might try a food and think, you know, this is horrible or whatever, but again, what's the worst that can happen. And on the other side of that, you might really find that you have a connection with someone that you never would have met or have be able to have that friendship if you hadn't taken that risk. Right .

Speaker 1:

Right. So I want to talk about how difficult it is to put yourself out there, you know, get out of your comfort zone. And for my listeners, all I hear is how difficult it is dating during COVID. And this lesson you wrote each time we do something out of our comfort zone, we develop more confidence and realize we can handle whatever comes our way. And you talk about being a young girl who had lost her mom. And, you know, you didn't know that you had the strength to do all these things, and you, you continued, you learn from failures, but you never stopped risk-taking. And I admire that. And I've learned a lot from you with that because you just don't know how strong you can be. And I think a lot of people right now are like, I'm tapped out. I don't have the strength to continue on, but it's like, you do.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you do. And can you, you don't have a choice, right? Do you have the strength to keep going? Because what's the alternative, right? I mean, the alternative is to stay in your house and social distance and not be around people anymore. And you're just, there's, we're missing so many opportunities if we do that. So I would say, you know, with every, every time we put ourselves out there, regardless of the outcome, it does make us realize that, yeah, we can do this and it does build our confidence. And then it makes it a little easier the next time. And then the next time, I mean, that's really kind of, we're building our resilience when we do that. Right. And so it's just, it's fear fears , what gets in the way, every time and , and the voice in our heads of telling us why we can't do something instead of what we possibly might gain in a positive way, if we, if we push ourselves. Right.

Speaker 1:

But I think we have to get, and I'm going to read this. We have to get back into the business of living. And so you said, instead of getting stuck in pain and grief, you often felt because you miss your mom so much, her in her words would have motivated you to stop feeling, sorry for yourself and give back to the business of living. And, you know, we can't go back to the way things were, all we can do is move forward. And I think it's a time in our life that we have to stop putting off things and live for today.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. I , um, that's when, that's why the finding that bag of letters was so powerful for me, because I was literally had tangible these tangible words and, you know, my mom's pep talks if you will, in letters. And so , um, it was, they were such reminders to me of getting back to the business of living. And I know with 100% certainty that my mom would never have wanted me to feel so stuck in grief or so sad about my loss. She would have wanted me to make the most out of every day of my life. And it was reading these letters, hearing her voice that reminded me of this. And that's why it was, it had such an incredible positive impact on my life after that experience. And I think people now with going through COVID, I mean, we do owe it to ourselves to get back to the business of living and to the people who we lost. They would never want us to not make the most of every day of our lives. Even if, you know, even if we, we miss them, of course we miss them and we, but we can carry them with us. That's the thing. You don't have to move forward without them. They can come with us.

Speaker 1:

Oh , nice. That's beautiful. The thing about you is, you know, you were writing another book and then you came across these letters and you didn't know if you were going to be able to get, you know, you didn't know how you're going to feel about these letters and you felt like it could almost set you back. And,

Speaker 2:

And I was afraid I was afraid to open the bag of letters because I didn't know. I thought reading them , it was going to bring back all that pain and the sadness that I had been working so hard to kind of release. And instead it had the complete opposite impact on me. And it wasn't until 20 years after my mom's death, that I, that I read those letters. So, I mean, who knows what would've happened if I had remembered that I had that bag of letters and read them a few years after she passed away, I, you know, but it is what it is. And I'm just so grateful to have found them and read them now. Right.

Speaker 1:

And I love the conversation that you have with your brother, where you were like, I , and he was like, what? Like, I love how you creatively put it all together. Like you knew you had something. And I think a lot of things that you, because you're such a risk taker, and I really want people to like, you know, no risk, no reward, like please do you have everything to gain and nothing to lose with going out and trying to meet someone new, but a lot of the things in your life, you actually kind of, you know, you took a chance, you kind of figured it out as you went, but you almost like stumbled upon it. And one thing I want to talk about, because I think it's super important. And I know that it made me very successful in the world of online dating because I figured it out, but I knew the importance of catching people off guard. So I had this, I always would have these like crazy, funny offbeat , colorful texts that I would send people right out of the right away, like first thing in the morning. And, but they were like showstoppers, like it made, I can remember distinctively. My boyfriend brought my text messages to his, one of his best girlfriends and was like, read these messages from this girl. What do you think ? And she was like, I think she's awesome. I think you should go out with her. But, you know, they were so different from, from other people. And I just didn't care. And I really didn't know what I was doing, but I really want people to do something that's unexpected. And I want you to tell the story about how you learned the importance of doing, you know, catching people off guard and standing up, because you did a presentation of the dangers of sun when you were in school.

Speaker 2:

Hmm . Yeah. So I was just taking this public speaking class and college and she was like, you know, gotta , you gotta start your speech, really catch people off guard at the beginning. And, and, and so I remember I dressed up like a lifeguard and I had a whistle and I remember like she was in the back, she was, she was like in the back row and she was writing and I stood out there and honestly I blew my whistle, like really loudly. And I remember like she jumped and , um, and I just, yeah, it caught her off guard. But , um, but yeah, I did. I got an a, but you know, we , we have to like, be willing to like, make a fool out of ourselves. Right. Or cut ourselves out there and be a little , live a little off the grid. I mean, embrace the crazy, just be who we are and be ourselves. And sometimes I think we try to play it. Cool. We try to like, you know, we don't want to say that we don't want them to think that blah, blah, blah. Um, but honestly I think we spent, if we spent a little less time trying to be cool and just share that as who we really are, then we probably would be viewed as being even cooler if you will, because it would be so unexpected. I know , because there are so many people really are walking around not being, they're not being themselves.

Speaker 1:

Right. Because we put the emphasis on like, say the outfit or

Speaker 2:

Exactly. Yeah. You know, it

Speaker 1:

Just , it's not about that. And I think showing up, being yourself, putting yourself out there, you know, making fun of yourself, like I w I should have brought a whistle on some of these dates to keep them,

Speaker 2:

Oh my gosh, [inaudible] he does something , whatever. And then you blow the Westfall . You're like, that's hilarious. Can you imagine if you're like in a restaurant and you're eating your dinner, and then you hear like a whistle go off another table, and then the waiter comes and they're like, the waiter comes , if there's a table and they're like, you know, penalty, you can't eat here anymore,

Speaker 1:

But you know, you just have to figure it out and just try. And every time you fall down, you get back up, you learn something you really do. And,

Speaker 2:

And you

Speaker 1:

Definitely, you tell us in this book, what is important in life. And I love that you wrote, I understood that the best things in life didn't come with a price tag and they're not sold in a store. They have to be felt like the undeniable and unconditional love that you grew up having your parents and grandparents. And do you think it was beating cancer that made you see that, or,

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think that definitely, I mean, looking back on it and I, you know, I I've said this before many times, just like, you know, when my mom passed away, I was 28 and I could have learned the lesson that life is short and precious and seize the moment from that experience. But I didn't because I was so caught up in feeling angry and cheated and just so sad. And it wasn't until I went through breast cancer that I realized, like, you know what, I better open my eyes and make the most out of every single day on my life. And because tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone. Right . And you know, it wasn't until that experience that I, that I learned those lessons. Yeah. Well, thank you .

Speaker 1:

You Darfur sharing. What's important in life and living and enjoying every moment of this journey and that in the end, everything will work out. And I think you are so great. And I loved this conversation today, and I loved having you on shot at love. Where can people find you on social media or buy your book?

Speaker 2:

So , um, my book is of course, on Amazon, they can go to my website, crazy, perfect life.com and it links to lots of places that you can get my book. Um, I'm on Instagram at crazy perfect life and on Facebook at crazy perfect life. Awesome. And they can also email [email protected] . Okay.

Speaker 1:

Well, I, you know, read her book, buy her books. If, if you know someone who has cancer by crush cancer and follow her. And I, I, I can't believe how many followers you have and you're amazing. You're a powerhouse girl.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much for having me. You are too. And I'm just so grateful that the universe brought us together and that we could spend this time together.

Speaker 1:

Thanks Tara. Thank you for now. This week's Tinder tips and honor, today's guest , dark hers . These tips come directly from her book. I am my mother's daughter. Number one, count your blessings instead of your problems. Number two, you can learn to recognize and replace negative stories and decide what you want to tell yourself to believe. Number three, if you expect good things to happen, they usually do number four. The world can be our playground. If we let it, I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what shot it loves here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. And if you'd like me to photograph you for

Speaker 4:

Your online dating profile, DME about my Charlotte love promotion. I'm Carrie Brett . We'll see you next time.

Speaker 5:

[inaudible] .