Lens on Love: Chapter 1

The path from devastation to rebirth rarely follows a straight line. When my world exploded seventeen years ago, I found myself in the basement of Rock Bottom – fighting a three-year custody battle for my daughter Morgan after a traumatic pregnancy and birth that nearly claimed both our lives. What followed was a financial nightmare of $130,000 in debt, sleeping with the lights on, and making the classic mistake of jumping from one toxic relationship straight into another.

With raw vulnerability and unexpected humor, I share how I transformed from a woman with zero self-worth into someone who refused to settle for anything less than authentic love. My journey led me to spiritual practices that became my lifeline – chanting Sanskrit mantras 108 times with a desperation that "gave new meaning to squeezing the beads." When my astrologer taught me "aham prema" (divine love), I finally began finding my way back to myself.

As a professional photographer with impaired eyesight, the irony isn't lost on me that my biggest challenge wasn't my vision – it was my inability to see red flags in relationships. I've learned to trust my gut, refuse to stress over inconsistent people, and embrace the Ted Lasso philosophy of believing even when the odds seem impossible. The most powerful revelation? How you perceive yourself directly influences how others treat you.

Whether you're struggling through divorce, dating disasters, or simply searching for connection, remember that beauty is an inside job. You don't have to be perfect to be amazing. When someone tells you that you can't do something, do it twice and take pictures! Join me in putting yourself out there with courage and watch how the universe responds. Your shot at love begins with believing you deserve it.

Ready to transform your own love story? Visit shotatlovebook.com and take the first step toward writing your happy ending.

Chapters

• 0:00 Protective Mantra Introduction

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:12

Chapter 1 Lens on Love Ominamo Bhagavate Rudraya This mantra has an aspect of Shiva and it's extremely protective. It can help clear negative energy and negative situations. It helps in a crisis and it acts to protect and defend during challenges. Chanted 108 times. Let me take you back seventeen years. This was my first trip to the basement of Rock Bottom. I was in a three-year custody battle over my then three-year-old daughter, Morgan. She is my only child. I went into labor when she was twenty four and a half weeks, and if she had been born, she wouldn't have survived. Thankfully, after many fearful days, the contractions miraculously stopped. I was high risk and needed to lay in a bed on my left side for five months, at a time when there was no Netflix, cell phones, iPads, or laptops. I was so depressed. I looked out the window praying my baby would be okay. Morgan finally came two weeks late and I had a C-section with complications. I almost died because the team of surgeons couldn't stop the internal bleeding. The muscles that had contracted previously became so strong that the powerful grip on Morgan acted like a deathlock. The doctor said she felt like she broke her hand, pulling her out. I've continuously had this team of angels looking over me, a roster of staffers who most likely drank on the job. At the time, I had been out of work for almost a year and renting two different studio locations while my marriage was ending. There was a good chance we would lose our home. My world, as I had known it, had completely blown up, and my life was in shambles. Raw format. However, I knew one thing for sure. I was the comeback kid. I vowed to create a new life for Morgan and me when I could finally get out of bed. When I left the hospital, I was like Rocky Balboa, lacing up my sneakers, wearing a hefty trash bag, and running to the soundtrack Eye of the Tiger. As soon as I got my chance, I ran away from my former life as fast as possible. Filing for divorce with a baby while navigating a custody battle that mirrored the Baldwin Basinger split nearly killed me. Just enduring the agonizing process of a judge deciding whether or not you could raise your only child was excruciating. The very child you would sacrifice everything for, and so precious you would give your life to protect. But who knew that my next relationship would be the one that would nearly finish me? A pitcher said a thousand words. Filing for a divorce with the baby back then was unheard of, but what my ex-husband put me through, I have no words. I promised my daughter I wouldn't write about her father. I often wonder how I did it, working full time alone with a young child. After a long battle, I won my divorce and got primary custody of my daughter, the only thing I cared about. However, due to various rulings regarding the split, like many divorces, when you break apart, it usually financially breaks you. Sadly, our divorce was far from amicable and was the furthest thing from being equal or ideal. In most cases, you lose everything, or in my sad situation, I ended up with$130,000 in debt, which was suffocating. The debt I mostly accrued from my fancy lawyer because raising my daughter was something I couldn't bear to lose. I had a camera and two lenses, and I used my talent to bail myself out. I was thirty three, in the prime of my life, and the perfect prey for a person like my next gentleman suitor. I went straight from the frying pan directly into the fire. Looking back, I understand why I made the mistakes I did. At the time I was destroyed emotionally and I didn't have a shred of self-worth. This frequently is the case for most after an ugly divorce, as they are unfair. They are also incredibly painful and highly messy, leaving you a hot mess. Back then, people didn't get divorced with a baby. If they did, it was rare. There was a lot of shame, unanswered questions, a lack of support, and zero books or information on overcoming these challenges. I felt so alone, frightened to death about my uncertain future. I was so scared that I slept with the lights on every night, which didn't help my staggering electric bill. This is where people ask me how I did it. I'm just a regular person, a girl who sometimes got it right, but more often got it wrong. I did my very best and I did what I had to do to survive. That's the most honest answer. What I went through I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I'm going to make damn sure all of my suffering doesn't go without purpose. This book has many lessons and tons of advice. I share funny and preposterous stories of how I learned these painful lessons so that you don't have to suffer like I did. Focus Guru During those years in my early 30s, I was losing my mind and losing my religion. I needed to find salvation and fast. I searched the entire South Shore for a Shakti, shaman, soothsayer, snake oil salesman, yogi, mystic, or medicine man to heal me. My search to find Buddha led me on the path to Jill Jardine, an astrologer and psychic healer, now world-renowned podcast host of Cosmic Scene with Jill Jardine. During my first psychic reading, she spoke into a tape recorder. She accurately predicted my future, explaining that I could rebuild my life once I restored the light within that barely flickered. Once I did, I would find love again. She was right. How would I get there? I used to make Jill laugh when I told her I spent all of my time chanting my ass off. It was a bit sacrilege, but this was my reality. I gave new meaning to squeezing the beads. It was clear I would need the Holy Grail to help me, as I desperately needed insight, advice, and protection. The mantras offered me all of that. All I had to do was chant 108 times. That seemed reasonable to me. What are Sanskrit mantras? Mantra means man, which means mind, and tra means deliverance. Many use mantras to purify one's consciousness, gain spiritual enlightenment, and get closer to God. I just wanted to get closer to pulling in a new guy and have the universe deliver me a man. To this day, chanting is a big piece of my creativity, and it keeps me balanced as I have a bag of mantras, malabides, and jappas that help me do lots of magical things. I used Om Shippra Prasadaya to help mitigate my divorce, om dum dergaye to protect my daughter. On this one auspicious day, Jill, back in 2008, taught me my very first mantra, Ahamprema. The mantra ahamprema means divine or unconditional love. I used those two seed sounds to stop the derailment and pull in two dudes in one week. By the grace of God, this chant works miracles, I thought to myself as I drove to Jill's with two new prospects birth charts. We had behind door number one, a guy who was great on paper, and door number two, a guy with a guitar who was extremely good looking. You'll have to keep reading to see how this unfolds and find out who the big winner was and who would take me out for chicken dinner. Long exposure. Looking back, neither were viable leads, but the lessons came from all the misses and missteps, half-laid plans or abandoned dreams. The under or overexposed film are all the turbulent times I stood in an unstable position searching for a tripod. This was simply a portrait of a girl who wanted to find love more than anything else, who wouldn't give up looking for beauty within shadows or chasing the light in the golden hour. I hope my story encourages you to endlessly persevere, not give up and believe that love is possible. If I can do it, you can do it too. But you've got to believe in yourself and don't be afraid to take that shot. You don't have to be perfect to be amazing. I say those words solely for you. I know I'm the furthest thing from perfect. It's no secret that I'm a professional photographer with impaired eyesight. But what brought me to the eye doctor wasn't my eyes. It was because I couldn't see red flags. I never relied on my eyes and photography because I see with my heart. This was an amazing thing when creating impactful images, but it didn't work out so well when it came to the love department. I want to be your eyes and ears when it comes to finding love. And I want to share all that I've learned with you. I often joke that I'm the Ted Lasso of dating. Even long before the Apple TV series, I practiced the Lasso way and always believed. But I want you to believe too. As the famous coach Lasso said, I think things come into our lives to help us get from one place to a better one. I also trust that to be true. You can't get what you don't ask for. It's crucial to hold your value and believe in your worth. Remember that memorable Roy Kent moment when he yelled at Rebecca Welton when he wasn't impressed with who she was dating. Don't you dare settle for fine. Dare to bet on you, darling. It's important to take action, but consistency and follow through add up. Sometimes you'll feel like you have more issues than Vogue or won't know where you are or where you're going. In those hot minutes, stay focused on yourself and know that you can always download the Waze app, and soon you'll be on your way. Visualize your higher self. Slap on some lip gloss and show up as her. Look for the signs. They are everywhere. The sign is that you're reading this book. We become a product of our patterns and our daily decisions. Be mindful of how others treat you and pay attention to how you treat yourself. How you perceive yourself is how people will behave towards you. Let your gut be your guide and don't let these idiots run the asylum or ruin your mascara or your day. One of my favorite rules is thou shall not stress over inconsistent people. Never allow yourself to be someone's option. Opt out instead. Beauty is an inside job. What shines the brightest is being yourself and having a big heart. That inner work takes a lot of determination and strength. We've all lived through seasons that you thought only Stephen King could write. Trust me, I've been the lead character in the movie Misery many times, and I can't even look at a typewriter. Or dated guys who Charlie Sheen their lives, and I didn't need a lie detector to know these guys weren't hashtag winning. Mr Sheen seems to be doing great now. Go Charlie. Everyone loves a comeback story. By the grace of God, who am I to judge? No one. As a person who suffered endlessly for years, I would be the last person ever to celebrate someone's pain. In the past, we have made a multitude of mistakes or currently in the present moment are suffering. And those times when you think you can't go on, know that you can. Together, we can certainly do hard things. Or the memorable line from her book, Untamed, when she wrote about feeling trapped in her life like a caged cheetah. We can all harness our inner cheetah and run fast and free. Just like we've all dated men, we wish we could feed to a tiger. Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my. Alexa, play the song circle of life. These hardships are part of the circle of life, but it's time to stop waiting. You need to start dating and start looking for your Lion King. You can't change the story's beginning, but you can choose the chapters you read and change the ending. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and pull up your seat at the table. Have a pull no punches attitude and put in some pretty fun and funny plot twists. When someone tells you that you can't do it, do it twice and take pictures. I promise you there's a bigger picture at play. Be the girl who just went for it. You've got this. Join the mailing list at shot at love.com. Don't miss your chance to win love.