Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Navigating Anal Health and Doctor Visits
Ever had the unsettling feeling of anxiety creeping in while preparing for a doctor’s visit? You're not alone. We share the hilarity and humility of such moments as we recount our personal tales of navigating the awkward yet essential subject of anal health. Picture the awkwardness of sitting on the exam table, unsure whether to giggle or grimace, as our stories unfold with a light-hearted touch. Our mission? To prove that even the most cringe-worthy subjects can be tackled with humor and honesty.
From the nerve-wracking discovery of blood in the stool to the comedic chaos of preparing for a rectal exam, we tackle the taboo with a blend of laughter and realism. Sharing anecdotes involving loved ones' advice, we explore the humorous side of personal grooming and bathroom etiquette. Our quirky conversations about hemorrhoids and large bowel movements underscore a universal truth: aging isn’t for the faint-hearted, but a smile and a chuckle can go a long way.
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around first-time medical examinations and societal norms provide both entertainment and enlightenment. Whether it’s the myth-busting around anal sex and weight gain or the unexpected relief of dodging a dreaded procedure, our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two about health that you never knew you needed!
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2:Now, have you guys ever had an anal parole by a professional?
Speaker 3:I have not actually, and due to my advancing age, I need to get in and have somebody get two or three fingers up there and figure out what's going on.
Speaker 1:I feel like it's on the calendar for me too.
Speaker 2:You know what's crazy is. I tried to make an appointment to go to the colonoscopy.
Speaker 1:Colonologist.
Speaker 2:What is it? It's stupid. The butt doc.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right after I got this procedure done and they were like, because of your age, we need to get consent with your doctor. And I'm like I just went to the doctor and they were like, well, you have probably did you just know. Well, they said age. That's what I'm assuming.
Speaker 1:You're too young for like just an automatic fingerprint. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:So yeah, yeah, yeah, so yeah, because you know I do believe that most doctors don't want to stick digits in your butt.
Speaker 1:I was that was my like I don't want to get ahead here, but I that was my first question was like what do you think the doctor feels when he's like all right, I gotta take this grown-ass man and bend him over and tell him to spread his butt cheeks so I could look directly into his butthole. Like I've been married for a decade and I still feel uncomfortable looking directly into my wife's butthole. How does a doctor feel looking at a stranger's butthole.
Speaker 3:I'd rather look at a stranger's butthole than somebody I love, if we're just being honest with each other I feel like, I feel like with a stranger. You can just be like all right, now you gotta go but I would feel really weird telling my wife like I can't look you in the eye right now you are looking in their eye right now.
Speaker 2:Okay, here's the thing, though like okay, so for the past couple weeks I've been having some blood in my stool okay, in or on, because they're very different that's weird that you say that, because that doctor asked me that same question was it inside of your stool poop shit, or was it like surrounding it? How does that fucking why?
Speaker 1:does that make a difference? Because if it's from the inside, that means it's going through your body Like your tummy.
Speaker 2:your stomach, I mean, is like bleeding and you're shitting out blood from the inside versus your butt just leaking blood onto your poop, that makes sense, but just leaking blood onto your boob.
Speaker 3:That makes sense. Now that I think of it, that actually does make sense.
Speaker 2:Because your asshole's sphincter is shut and blood can collect there. But until you shit, it does not come out is what you're saying? Sure, I don't know.
Speaker 3:Gotcha, so is it in the shit?
Speaker 2:or is it coming just surrounding the shit, like just making it turn red?
Speaker 1:Seems like a good question.
Speaker 2:So I don't always look at it. Is that a weird thing? I hate looking at them. I don't that's a thing you should be doing in your life. It's a healthy thing to do is look at your stool as you go to the bathroom. I don't ever look at it I usually don't.
Speaker 3:I didn't start late into my 30s, Late into my 30s. I'm like you know what, I'm getting really old here. I'm going to have to start really analyzing this shit.
Speaker 1:I don't think I've ever not looked. Do you flush the toilet while sitting down, tony takes chopsticks and fucking moves it around.
Speaker 2:It's like whoa. I don't remember eating that fucking thing. What is that hard thing right there?
Speaker 3:No, I do got a special pair of tongs that I break it up with just to see what consistency.
Speaker 2:My dad always tells a story about his grandkids not my kids, his daughter's kids. Their shits are so big that he has to take a spatula and drop it up to flush it because it will not go down. Okay, that's fucking disgusting, but that's fucking true. Let's get back to the doctor visit here, buddy.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm bleeding, Bleeding out of the ass. I don't look at my shit normally because I don't like it. I don't like looking at it, it grosses me out. I'm the type that shits and flushes. I'm courteous, I look out for other people's well-being and smell. So do you flush while you're sitting on the toilet? Yeah, I flush. After I shit, immediately. No, while you're on it yeah, after I shit, I flush.
Speaker 1:While you're on it yeah, after I shit, I flush.
Speaker 2:Do you reach over your shoulder and hit the button while you're still sitting? Well, I don't have to reach over my shoulder.
Speaker 3:It's to the left of me. Okay, it's kind of eye level. It's kind of weird.
Speaker 2:Fuck out of here, stop fucking, dangling my feet off the fucking seat.
Speaker 3:Here's the question, because I find myself doing this more and more.
Speaker 2:Do you flush before you wipe? Yes, then wipe. Yes, then flush the second time. Yes, I'll flush six times. No, I'll flush six fucking.
Speaker 3:Every time you hear a piece of shit hit the water, you spiral it down that tube, huh I'm like you're going down right away.
Speaker 2:You know, I, I, I, I, uh, I don't. I've had clogging issues before and you know I don't want to have clogging issues. So I mean, the first thing I do is I flush at the right shit, so I don't look at it. But but recently, um, I've been having pains like abdominal, bad cramping, fucking pains. So, um, I was sitting on the toilet the other day and I started feeling this like weird drip, no joke, weird drip. And I looked. I mean, I could not not look down, look down, it was blood like straight up, cut someone, cut me down there, my ass dripping into the toilet so you went out to your wife and told her no, I walked out to my wife as it's dripping.
Speaker 2:What the fuck is wrong? Why is this doing this?
Speaker 3:just a door of the explorer band bandaid over your asshole.
Speaker 2:No, she got a fucking used diaper or an old diaper. Put it on me, no, I didn't know. Still fits. I was scared man. So after that I started looking at my shit then more closely, because I don't look at it Like I said, it freaks me out.
Speaker 3:It took a bleeding rectum for you to actually glance at your shit, true it did it did, it did.
Speaker 2:So I started um, I started for the past couple weeks, started looking at and there's always been some coloration of blood in my stool. So I'm like, fuck, my stomach still hurts, there's something wrong. So I tell my mom, and my mom is like so you called your mom before you told your wife.
Speaker 2:Well, my wife already knew about the dripping of the blood so I didn't tell her, my mom about that. I told mom about the blood and the poop and she kept nagging on me to go to the doctor, go to the doctor, go to the doctor. My sister just had a colonoscopy. She had a baby. It was hemorrhoids. I got hemorrhoids. Not afraid to, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I got hemorrhoids. So that's what I assumed Fucking hemorrhoids. Okay, fine, whatever Deal with the hemorrhoids.
Speaker 1:That's what happens when you have hemorrhoids. You believe in your shit.
Speaker 2:So I just I mean, the stomach ache started getting worse and worse and I was like, fuck it, Go to the doctor now. Now I'm going to the doctor. So in my mind, all I'm thinking about is, when I get to the doctor's office, he's going to take his finger and he's going to shove it up my scooboo.
Speaker 3:So you're doctor's man. Yes, he is a man, okay.
Speaker 2:I would rather be a man. I'd rather be a man than a woman.
Speaker 3:You'd rather a man shove another finger up your ass.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay. So I got my date scheduled to go to the doctor. Okay, got my day scheduled. I was prepared. I got off work two hours early, went home, I took a shower. I shaved a little bit because I wanted to make sure that nothing was intruding into his probal.
Speaker 1:You didn't want anything to get caught up in there.
Speaker 3:You didn't want the big bushy butt hair, which he really didn't want is for him to call in the nurse and be like nurse, can you please come in here? And he came in and shaved your butthole I'm imagining what jay and his uh, his level of hairiness. They had to clip it back like when they cut someone's hair. You fucking dick With them. Little clompy clips that women use.
Speaker 1:Like a horseshoer reshoeing a horse. They're just scraping it off.
Speaker 3:Because the doctor's worried about the hair wrapping around his finger when he's putting it in.
Speaker 2:You're fucking sick. If that was true, that would be sick hey you're the one putting these images in my head.
Speaker 1:It's like it's its own animal that is going to suck the doctor in elbow deep and never let go.
Speaker 3:The doctor's like boy, this hair looks angry.
Speaker 2:What the fuck are you talking about? His hair is angry, all right. So then what? Okay, so I was preparing for it. Man, just like you do for a tattoo, you help all your tattoo artists, you shave the area.
Speaker 3:So did you knock it down with an electric and then go at it with a razor, or did you try to get it all with the razor?
Speaker 2:dude, I ain't going to razor on my ass. You kidding me? No, I would cut the shit out of my ass. He'd be like what are you doing to your asshole? If I, if I tried a razor or uh, whatever, so no, I cleaned it up.
Speaker 1:so you turn on the vibrator and you stuck it on your butthole Go on, so I got home early.
Speaker 2:I got two hours to prep for this. Got home early, took a shower. I scrubbed it up. I cleaned that shit up real nice. I put on some perfume.
Speaker 3:What level of clean did you do? How deep did you go with this cleaning?
Speaker 2:I never put my finger in my butt. That's why I'm scared to practice.
Speaker 3:So you only did the surface area I never put my finger in my butt. That's why I'm scared to practice. So you only did the surface area. Yeah, I rubbed all the bumps. Did you do a?
Speaker 2:bar of soap in your hand? Or did you use a washcloth this time? Who uses a washcloth? Those are fucking sinks.
Speaker 3:I just scrub it on my fucking chest here. That's enough of a washcloth.
Speaker 2:Just took two extra swipes up and down with the old bar soap huh so I cleaned myself in the shower okay, guys, and um got out, put my. I was getting prepared shaved, fucking uh. I even shaved my balls, I don't know why. They were kind of hairy. It's winter, you didn't want to. You didn't want to be judged. I, I know I didn't, because I knew I had to take everything off, just like a woman with her legs.
Speaker 3:Like it's winter, I don't have to shave my legs. You do the same thing with your paws.
Speaker 2:Do it. My dick looks so big after I got out of that shower.
Speaker 3:Nice.
Speaker 2:So after that.
Speaker 3:Every drain was clogged in the building.
Speaker 2:A fucking animal came out of the drain, you dick. So I got ready. I put perfume on Fucking deodorant.
Speaker 3:You're really trying to impress this doctor, eh? Just a little splash of stetson right on the asshole, huh dude.
Speaker 2:I don't know if he's not gonna wear gloves or not.
Speaker 3:I was prepared for anything any doctor that goes in raw dog, just fingernail fucking cuts all inside your asshole.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, if he would have done that, he would have cut my hemorrhoids off and I would have been bleeding more.
Speaker 3:And hopefully lost his medical license.
Speaker 2:So I can't even get past the shower. So I'm all ready to go. I'm smelling good. I'm feeling good. I changed my clothes, Got off work early, like I said. You know I'm walking good, I'm feeling good. I changed my clothes, got off work early, Like I said. I'm walking in with my Ferrari, fucking Puma sweatpants. I'm doing the fucking shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.
Speaker 3:Right, the same red ones you're wearing. Yeah, did you wear those to mask the?
Speaker 2:blood. This was today. I'm shimmying myself up to check in. I check in, blah blah, wait for the doctor or wait for the nurse to bring me in, do all my vitals and then the doctor comes in. I'm like what's up, doc? And he's usually a hand him his bouquet of flowers. Yeah, usually my doctor is kind of quiet and he must have read my chart because he knew what he was in store for. At least I thought I knew what I was in store for. He read my chart. He knew that anus bleeding, so there is going to be a problem here. So he walked in and he did the same shit he does every fucking time I've seen him. I've seen him since I was fucking 18, 17. But this was your first time showing him your bottle was fucking 18, 17.
Speaker 1:But this was your first time showing him your butthole right.
Speaker 3:First date? Well, I didn't show my butthole. No, not the first date. I didn't show my butthole yet.
Speaker 2:I did not show him my butthole yet, but I've shown him my dick.
Speaker 3:You walked in the room with your pants off.
Speaker 2:You're like let's go, no, no, no, I had pants off. You're like let's go? No, no, I had my pants off, that's over. Before he opened the door, when he came into the fucking room, I was that ready just waiting. No, motherfucker, I was not. I was sitting there with my legs crossed, ready for my appointment to start, shut your face. So doc comes in and he's like hey, how you doing you doing? How you doing you doing good, great, yeah, yeah, you not feeling so good, right, lee? And he's Oriental. That's my best Oriental accent.
Speaker 3:Oh, I thought he was just mentally handicapped. I'm like damn.
Speaker 2:He's like hey, you know what? You look good. You look good, you look healthy. What's wrong? What's going on? I'm like, uh, I mean I don't know what way to tell you, but I'm bleeding on my butt. My butt's been bleeding. He's like oh, that's not good, that's not good, let's check you out. Takes my vitals, takes my ear thing. They all do the same, stupid fuck.
Speaker 3:That's funny that he checks your ears for a bloody anus.
Speaker 1:I know right, gotta make sure, gotta make sure.
Speaker 2:That's how they make a little extra. He's like well, it could be They'll make a little Nope, nope. That's how they make a little extra money, tony, don't you know how the fucking doctor's office works Real quick time out.
Speaker 1:I've done a little research on hemorrho says one of the main symptoms and don't take this wrong. Did he ask you if you had experienced or experimented in anal sex?
Speaker 2:He did ask, didn't he? No, no, he didn't ask. Why didn't he ask? Because, you're not, he knows them straight.
Speaker 1:The reasons here are extra weight. You don't look extra weight like obesity. That doesn't seem to be your problem.
Speaker 2:Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you do anal sex, you get fat. It's one of the causes.
Speaker 1:What One of the causes is? Okay, so you could have either been pushing when you poop right.
Speaker 3:I think Jameis understood you. He said if you do anal sex, you get fat. You said yes, I missed it.
Speaker 1:You said yes, no the causes of hemorrhoids.
Speaker 3:Okay, Sorry, I couldn't let that just fly by. He said yes.
Speaker 1:I believed it. I know I missed it.
Speaker 2:I believed it. I thought wait, that's why all those gay guys are fat.
Speaker 1:So I'm looking at all of these causes and you don't have extra weight, you're not pregnant with a uterus pressing on your veins. You don't have a diet low in fiber, because I think all you eat is beans and roughage right and then the other one is pushing. When you poop, which I guess is possible, you're doing something physically hard, which I automatically eliminated as well. And then anal sex, so I automatically eliminated as well. And then anal sex, so I just didn't know.
Speaker 2:So does it say anything about holding your shit in because you have no bathroom to?
Speaker 1:poop in. You are constipated.
Speaker 2:No, no no, no, I have to shit.
Speaker 1:I'm holding it in because I have no bathroom, did the doctor tell you that one?
Speaker 2:No, that's my own fucking experience.
Speaker 1:Web ND does not tell you about that.
Speaker 2:How many bathrooms are in your place? No, no, when I'm at the job, tony, I'm at the job. There's no bathroom. I have to hold my shit in so I get my fucking work done. I don't go to the bathroom. I don't be like I got to go to the bathroom like you and be like let's go to the gas station because I got to shit. I hold my shit in and I get my fucking work done.
Speaker 1:I only shit on company time. Okay, I hold that shit. Your company, it's your time, I know that's what's cool about it. So all right, I threw you off there, so he didn't ask about no okay, go on.
Speaker 2:that would be fucking crazy. If you did, I would have told you immediately. But no, he didn't ask that. He asked simple questions Headache, stomach aches, yes, yes, yes. And then I just went on the what do we call it? The table chair, the doctor's chair?
Speaker 3:I don't know what it was.
Speaker 2:This is your alien abduction I don't know what you call it the alien abduction not my um what tony just said.
Speaker 3:Yes, the exam table the uncomfortable exam table sat on the one with the rolled craft paper over the top of it yes, like that's gonna stop the aids from transferring no, it's.
Speaker 2:It's like what they use in porter john's to wipe your ass. It's like the most primitive condom ever the paper, the butcher paper, like yes, that's what it is like when you walk into the room.
Speaker 3:They make a big deal out of it, like hold on, and then they fucking pull out nine feet of it and use a little cutter on the bottom and you're like okay, you're good I've never seen them do that.
Speaker 2:They do that before you go in, then I've always been sitting on dirty fucking paper.
Speaker 3:Usually, I always look for wrinkle marks on it.
Speaker 2:I'm like I don't want their aids. I should have looked at that can I get a different condom?
Speaker 1:I mean paper please.
Speaker 2:And then uh he's. He starts like um lotty dotty, starts like Lottie Dottie, talking very calmly to me about Ferraris.
Speaker 3:And I'm like, oh yeah, obviously you're helping him buy one.
Speaker 2:And I'm thinking to myself what the fuck Is he trying to relax?
Speaker 1:me.
Speaker 2:What the fuck is he doing what? And he's like he's not only talking to me about them, he's nudging me with his shoulder, but I'm still thinking he's trying to relax me because he's about to put his figure on my ass.
Speaker 1:How many times have you been able to see somebody's butthole without a little bit of smooth talking or money?
Speaker 3:being exchanged.
Speaker 1:Warm up. You got to warm them up, Like even when you're at one of the nice gentleman's clubs and you sit down and you're having a drink and a nice young lady comes up to you and starts talking to you you don't just bend her over and look at her butthole. You start talking nice to her a little bit. Ask her about what kind of car she drives, tell her about your.
Speaker 3:Ferrari right now, or whatever.
Speaker 2:So I felt like a piece of meat right there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was dolling you up, dude. He was trying to make it less awkward for himself.
Speaker 2:At that point, my sphincter was getting tighter.
Speaker 3:It was not making me less nervous. That's not good news when somebody's about to go two knuckles deep, I know.
Speaker 2:And I was getting more nervous. I'm sitting there just clenching and I'm like don't let it go, just relax, just relax, because you're about to get something shoved up there and you've never had that before, never. Don't look at me like that. It's not believable.
Speaker 1:Don't look at me like that, the more times you tell me how much never it happened, the less believable it is, I was, so this joke sucks, but you just this sounds like an article I read about one of the kids from Epstein Island. Was your doctor in a wheelchair, talked kind of with his robotic stance.
Speaker 2:Thank you for coming in today to visit me at the doctor okay, sorry I threw you off there again so we're getting to the end of the end of this appointment so, and he ruled out your eyes, your blood pressure, your ears.
Speaker 3:Yep, everything was great. All right, tonsils are good everything is great.
Speaker 2:Okay, now it tells me to get off now it's time for this doctor to make some real motherfucking money snap, go the gloves. Now it tells me to get off table and now he's starting to put the gloves on talking again, talking about the fucking Ferrari.
Speaker 3:So if you had to as he's Hold on. Before we get to this, what size gloves would you say this man wore? Oh, he grabbed the smalls, Okay. I felt a little better right when he grabbed the smalls you said he was Asian, so I was assuming it was a smaller glove. But you said he was Asian, so I was assuming it was a smaller glove. But you know, the last thing you want is an NBA player Fucking 14-inch index finger.
Speaker 1:He's got to call out to the nurse, doc. Hey, can you go into room 102?
Speaker 3:That's where I keep the XXL gloves Girth on him like a white claw.
Speaker 2:That's crazy that you say that, because when he reached for the small, I was fucking excited. So he's got the gloves in his hands, he's putting them on, he's taking his time putting them on too, so it's like it's getting way more overwhelming at this point right, well, it takes a while.
Speaker 3:His hands are all sweaty his first time he's ever done this.
Speaker 2:And then I'm just like okay, what's fucking next? Where do I face? Do I face the wall? Do I face the door? Do I face you? And I get off the table.
Speaker 3:I don't know where the fuck I'm going. If he's got to reach through your legs to get the digit up your butt hole, of course you turn around and you get doggy style I don't know what the fuck to do.
Speaker 2:I don't know where he's going. There's so many places that he could have gone that.
Speaker 3:I could have turned and he still would have been facing me.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I get off the fucking table. I get off the table and then he's facing me and he's like can you uh face the the west wall? Do it? You know, my g, my, my nash, or uh, my national? My fucking ability to understand, uh, where you are at concept of where I am. When he says west wall, I'm like, you're like I got a one in four chance. I told him I told him just fucking point. I'm like where, where? Point, what? What's the west wall?
Speaker 3:so I'm turning like look at the picture of the cat hanging from the branch that says have a nice day.
Speaker 2:So I turn, um, I turn and look at any wall I wanted. And then he positioned himself in his way and actually I was again. I turned around again For some reason. It was weird because I turned around again because I thought he said look at me. So I turned around again and I looked at him. He's like, no, look over there. And then I turned around again and I looked at him. He's like no, look over there. And then I turned around and looked over there and he's like take your pants down. So I took my pants down and your underwear and I was like, oh, okay. And then I took my underwear down and then he's like now I need you to bend over at this point. Bending over was impossible. And he's like now I need you to bend over At this point bending over was impossible because I was literally against the bed.
Speaker 2:So I'm like you backed that ass up for him God damn it, Chris.
Speaker 1:So you slowly backed that ass up for the doc is what you're telling me yes, I have like doc, can you?
Speaker 2:I mean, I'm gonna have to touch you with my ass if you don't move. I had to kind of nudge him with my butt cheeks. Nice to push him away, because I had no way of bending over. The fucking chair was right there. I just got fucking off of it and then I didn't know what to do with my hands. So I was kind of like I felt like play-doh I didn't know what to do with my hands.
Speaker 3:You felt just like will, ferrell and talladega knights.
Speaker 2:Yeah so I was like um, I'm like I don't know. I was like waving my hands, like for help, I don't know what. I didn't know what to do. At this point I was like should I? I mean, I wanted to ask, but I felt like I shouldn't ask because that's like stupid. Like I know where to put my hands, I'm a human being and he's like it sounds like you're a touch nervous I was super nervous.
Speaker 2:My sphincter was like I couldn't even fart dude so, and he was like well, just relax, just relax, you, just you don't. And like he doesn't have, like he doesn't give me specific uh rules, and that I'm almost. I'm not. I'm not a genius, okay, I need some person to tell me what to do, especially when I don't know what the fuck is going on.
Speaker 3:You need guidance when you're the first time you're receiving a first timer.
Speaker 2:So I didn't tell him what to fucking do with my hands. I didn't want to say what should I do with my hands. He said spread it, spread it or spread something, whatever I do, I don't know how he put it, I can't remember the words. But he said spread. So I just kind of spread my legs, I, I opened my legs up a little bit more and I was like I kind of I didn't do the splits because I just got you in a human starfish right now.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly, yeah. So I'm kind of balancing in the air butt naked. Actually I had my shirt on. He didn't. He didn't tell me to take my shirt off, because that would have been way weird, way more weird.
Speaker 3:Socks too bud.
Speaker 1:I don't do socks. You're going to have to take those off.
Speaker 2:He said spread, spread it, spread them, spread them. Whatever he said, it was spread. So that's all I thought was my fucking legs. I opened them up and I was like, oh yeah, okay, you mean, you're my cheeks. So then I grabbed my cheeks, spread my cheeks With my hands, and he For one second Just goes Huh, I'm not hemorrhoids. And then done man. No finger in the ass. He didn't go blind. No up the butthole, no lubrication. I asked my wife even before I went there. I was like do I have to bring my own lube for this?
Speaker 3:I mean, how do I, if you're brand specific?
Speaker 2:yeah, I mean I was so excited that like I kind of hopped before I put my clothes back on, I was was like yes, no, figure up the ass.
Speaker 3:Don't worry, bro, it's coming. What You're getting to? That?
Speaker 2:age. Yeah, but I heard when you do the colonoscopy because that's what I have to do now they put me under because my sister just had one.
Speaker 3:I mean maybe not all the way, though Motherfucker they might want you to be up to enjoy it.
Speaker 1:Give you like three glasses of rosé here. Sip on this juice box for us. We're going to start your procedure soon.
Speaker 2:So basically, the moral of everything in your life is don't be so scared and worried. Don't be so scared and worried about what will happen, because sometimes it won't happen. I had no finger up the ass. I thought all day long. I was nervous about the finger up the ass. I didn't know if maybe he couldn't get it up there because my hemorrhoids are so big, or maybe he didn't have more lube, or he might need help.
Speaker 3:I can't believe your hemorrhoids are so big. His fingers got to go on crooked.
Speaker 2:Or he might need some kind of hammering tool to fucking get it up there, high enough to feel the probe.
Speaker 1:It took the fear of another man's finger to get in your asshole for you to realize, to not worry about shit that's not going to happen, right? So I was thinking about this and I was wondering, because all the craze was these virtual visits. What's a virtual visit? Look?
Speaker 3:like you got to shove your own finger up your asshole on camera.
Speaker 1:I'm going to need you to turn on your camera and set your phone up against the wall.
Speaker 2:Wait, did your camera come off the computer? I'm going to need you, Sir.
Speaker 3:I'm going to need you to pull the tape off your camera.
Speaker 1:The FBI listening in to the conversation between your doctor and yourself, as he's asking you to bend over and spread them.
Speaker 2:Don't you know, Chris, that they send you a camera that goes up your ass in the mail earlier before?
Speaker 1:your appointment. How bad would it be to be on a virtual appointment and the doctor puts gloves on anyway?
Speaker 3:Force of habit.
Speaker 1:You're like Doc what?
Speaker 3:was that rubber.
Speaker 1:You just slapped on. Oh, those are my gloves.
Speaker 2:Wait, Doc, why are you wearing gloves? I'm not even next to you.
Speaker 1:Literally showing your asshole and hanging scrotum to a camera.
Speaker 2:And then he's got his dick in his hand and you're like wait, I didn't sign up for this, but if I'm getting free, appointments, you're like I'm never getting another doctor off Craigslist ever. If I'm getting a free appointment, I'm fine. If this appointment is free, do whatever you fucking want.
Speaker 1:So what'd they give you, Jay so?
Speaker 2:basically I have A cream.
Speaker 1:Yeah exactly, drink some water, you're right, no, no, try to have soft stools. Add some fiber to your diet.
Speaker 2:No, basically just cream, and I'm going to see a. He didn't tell you to drink more water.
Speaker 1:No, to sit in the bath.
Speaker 2:No, just sit in the bath. No, I'm getting a colonoscopy it must not be that bad.
Speaker 1:How long were you bleeding for? Three days before you went to the doc, the first time you noticed blood. You're like I got to go to the doctor. Two years, Two years you've had blood leaking out your ass.
Speaker 2:Yes, you should have went to the doctor a long time. I told you I don't look at it.
Speaker 1:For two years have you been afraid of a doctor sticking?
Speaker 3:his finger in your body All over a finger. Well, I don't want anything up there, dude, I'm going to have to text your wife about this. Everything goes out.
Speaker 2:Nothing goes in, okay.
Speaker 3:No, you're getting to the age where things are going to have to go away. What does that even mean? Doctor visits are going to be very uncomfortable from this point forward in your life, especially now that you're a known anal bleeder Dude. That's in your chart. Now that shit doesn't go away. Every doctor, from this point indefinitely, is going to be looking at your chart. Every nurse, no, every nurse's assistant is going to be like so you still bleed out the asshole.
Speaker 1:Jay's going to be calling around looking for a new doctor and they're going to be like oh, it says here in your chart.
Speaker 2:It's the same question Are you a smoker and are you an ass bleeder? I'm like no for both.
Speaker 1:I don't want my insurance going so a little preparation h and you're good to go I don't know what the fuck he gave me?
Speaker 3:I didn't get it. So before your next doctor's appointment, just have your wife take a look just put a digit up there, no just no loosen it up a little bit.
Speaker 1:Is she courageous? Courageous enough to use her tongue? Oh my god, that's disgusting fuck no, just asking fuck no I'm just asking it's less offensive than a finger I am not offended at all.
Speaker 2:I don't give a shit, I just just don't do that. That's fucking disgusting. Tossing the salad who you guys Ever?
Speaker 1:Have you been asked to place a tiny rubber band around it to block the blood supply?
Speaker 2:That's called getting rid of a wart. That's a skin tag, not a fucking hemorrhoid.
Speaker 1:Use a laser to seal off the vessels that provide blood to the hemorrhoid. You guys didn't answer my question about. I'm not going to discuss my personal sex life on this radio station, tossing a salad.
Speaker 3:It's 2024, I mean I feel like it's almost mandatory now oh, my god, you're fucking crazy dude.
Speaker 2:dude, isn't it? I don't even know how? No, you don't, you're lying. I don't even know how no, you don't, you're lying.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I can't discuss relationships prior to the one I'm in with my own wife now. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:Fuck it. For some reason I have to pee. Really bad right now.
Speaker 1:This is so weird.
Speaker 2:So this is my story about the anal bleeding blockage. What the fuck do you want to call it?
Speaker 1:We shall call the episode Finger in the Anal, maybe not.
Speaker 2:With a little S on there. Thanks for listening guys Next week, you know there might be another anal story Peace.
