Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Chuckle-Worthy Chiropractic Chronicles
The episode dives into the everyday struggles of health, humor, and the awkwardness of physical therapy experiences. With laughter, our hosts explore topics of chronic pain, the journey to seeking help, and the hilariously embarrassing moments during massage therapy.
• Personal stories of pain and sleepless nights
• Humorous weekly updates about family life
• Decision-making around seeking chiropractic care
• Detailed recount of the first chiropractic appointment
• Insights into the awkwardness of massage sessions
• The unexpected experiences of farting during massages
• Reflection on human experiences with vulnerability and humor
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Top Shelf Stories with Jay, chris and Tony.
Jay:Oh man, jay broke his mouth Strength. I don't even fucking know I got strength like that, all right. So how you guys been doing this week, how was your week?
Tony:It was good, it was all right.
Jay:Now I'm going to tell you that my week was probably this is probably one of the worst weeks I've had.
Chris:Oh, come on the stories you've told, really.
Jay:The stories I usually tell are pretty bad, like I never have good stories. Tony had a story about, you know, raising a child and what was the greatest Things he's done with them. Mine are like fucking shitting and puking, but this one's Don't forget rectal exams. Yeah, I forgot with them. Mine's are like fucking shitting and puking, but this one's actually Don't forget rectal exams. Yeah, I forgot. Well, that was the shitting part when I was going to. Okay, so as we get older, I'm experiencing more fucking pains in my body and you know it's a normal thing, I guess. Like I can't sleep without waking up, without with, with, without pain. Um, I don't know how you guys feel, but uh, I've been having a terrible fucking neck like this is your still?
Chris:is your wife still making you sleep in the bottom shelf of your armoire or whatever?
Jay:no, she when I snore.
Tony:I have to sleep in the oversized closet this giant closet tis the season she's bending them all around for Elf on the Shelf this month my one kid believes in it too, so many photo opportunities of Jay sitting up as an elf on the sitting. He does. Come here dressed like elf on the shelf every week.
Chris:I am kind of like right dude, I am the elf right now come in a red jumpsuit every time today?
Jay:is that the reason why? You would say, because I am wearing a red sweatshirt and red pants?
Tony:yes okay.
Jay:Well, what my what I was getting to is the pains that you have, what you get when you start to get a little older. So my fucking back and neck has been hurting so bad I've been getting like migraines from it. I don't know if you guys have you ever had a headache from having actual back pain first I want to ask you have you been drinking a lot of water?
Chris:Yeah, I drink a lot of water at nighttime. No, I'm half joking, because that's what everyone always asks first.
Jay:If you're drinking enough water.
Chris:Yeah, because a lot of times that is the key For headache. Because what?
Jay:Because you're dehydrated, everything yeah, my shit has been solid.
Chris:It hasn't been diarrhea. It hasn't been solid. It hasn't been diarrhea. You have to smell like cereal milk. No, I've never really gotten that bad of pain. That's what you're experiencing.
Jay:And that's how I've always been. I've never gone to a chiropractor. Chiropractic work, chiropractor. Give me the fucking word, tony.
Chris:You said it right three times in a row, but you just stopped before you're done saying it, he was trying to let you chiropractor chiropractor.
Jay:Yeah god, why does it sound so weird when I say it? Um, I've never gone to one. I know you probably have tony for years.
Chris:Yeah, 20 years plus uh, I've never been to one either, but no, just massagesages.
Jay:Okay, I've gotten probably two or three massages in my entire life and one was on my honeymoon and I got a guy and all he did was, that was requested. Shut up. All he did was squirt lotion on my back and fucking.
Chris:It was lotion.
Tony:All he did was squirt lotion on my back. All he did was squirt the stickiest lotion on my back, and he made me rub it in.
Chris:Yeah, I rubbed it in my own back.
Tony:It was so sticky.
Jay:He's fucking looping me up like a goddamn water slide. Get the fuck out of here, dude. He didn't speak English. I couldn't tell him to stop putting lotion on. He'd go. That's all I heard the whole time. He'd fill his hands up with lotion and rub it all over my fucking back Another time, you'd think he was happy at your hairy fucking white ass.
Tony:Dude, how much lotion it takes to cut through all that back hair.
Jay:I made sure I was trimmed, buddy, I don't want to get any clogs, so I've only gotten a couple massages, never been to cry chiropractor, um and so. So it's been so bad that I had to do something like I couldn't, like I kept waking up in the middle of the night, fucking, sweating and trying to get in a position where it didn't hurt, and it was impossible sounds like you're having a heart attack shut up.
Jay:I looked that up and they fucking said that you can have an attack, a heart attack, with those symptoms. And I'm already fucking uh, paranoid as it is, tony, don't fucking put that shit in my head just saying web md, do you have a heart attack for?
Tony:the next for like five days no, a prolonged heart attack, no, just every day. You're about to go into cardiac arrest. I used to I mean, I, I feel you on this man. I used to play a game every night before I went to bed. Uh, arm pain, heart attack. What does that mean?
Chris:oh, I laid there and decided whether my, my, arm pain was from a heart attack or from work the only time you're gonna be right about it being a heart attack.
Jay:You won't even know did you write it down on a piece of paper, just in case you I wonder if this is a heart attack.
Tony:No, no, not this time, no, but every day I wake up and I put a Sharpie tally mark on my bed frame for the days I won. It's good shit.
Jay:You woke up in the morning.
Tony:I wake up, I'm like, oh, another tally.
Jay:Um, so I at this point I had to go to, had to see somebody, I had to do something because it was not getting better, it was just getting worse. And I was doing the same thing, tony was heart attack, tallying shit. No, I was just. I was just staying up in the middle of night fucking sweating, worried that something was wrong, because it hurt so fucking bad. It was like a little monster is in my back squishing my muscles and just not letting go. That does sound terrible, like if I sat down for more than 10 minutes. I got back up. I was like a wounded soldier. What?
Chris:the fuck are you looking for.
Jay:Tony Jesus, he's spilling shit everywhere too.
Chris:He's lost something. He doesn't know where it is. He gave up. I can't believe he gave up. He probably put it in the other room.
Jay:Tony, you're being very distracting right now.
Tony:Go on with your heart attack story. I got to dig under this couch for a minute.
Jay:This is impossible. Okay, Chris, ready while Tony digs. So I made an appointment. I actually looked at my insurance card to find, uh, who covered, who's covered on the chiropractic work. Uh, I found a guy in new Berlin and I went there and come on.
Chris:Tony Stop.
Tony:I'm going to have to rip this.
Chris:What did you drop? He lost his shul or whatever. He can't find it in the couch.
Tony:Oh you little vape, I need your little arms to get in here Fuck you, son of a bitch. Anybody got a magnet on a stick.
Jay:Yeah.
Tony:All right, so you're a chiropractor in New Berlin.
Jay:He's an amazing guy. I'm going to tell you that.
Chris:Less oil this time.
Tony:When he got done, lubing me up.
Chris:So far. The last time you were at a doctor's office, he had his finger up your asshole so I guess this is probably much better.
Jay:No, I got to know him and he's a fucking great guy we went horseback riding dude why? Okay okay, shush, now stop. Let me tell a story, because I can't even talk when you guys are fuck with me okay, okay okay.
Jay:So, uh, first chiropractor I ever met, asked you ever been to a chiropractor before? I said no, so he went through every little fucking detail he could. So it took like an hour and a half of going through all these little weird uh flexible motions. Make sure all my you know x-rays, um, basically ruling out everything other than just back pain, like there could be a fucking tumor.
Tony:There could be a lot of shit going on you did all that shit for you did everything sounds like a good time of running up an insurance bill.
Jay:Yeah Well it was a $30 copay, and do they bill you afterwards?
Chris:Not if it's covered. You'll get what's called an estimate of benefits or something, or explanation of benefits, and it'll tell you how much they wanted to charge and then how much the insurance allowed them to charge, and then what you owe at the bottom All right. But they probably if they didn't. They probably were going to take your money ahead of time if you're going to pay anything.
Jay:Good, then I'll pay him 30 bucks. He's a cool guy anyway.
Chris:Oh, I'm sure, if you owed him $1,400, you could just tell him about how you have this podcast where you told everyone he was a cool guy.
Jay:Dude, I was like, don't worry about the bill. Then, dude, I was hanging out with him for an hour and a half. He knows about the podcast, he knows I was in a band, he knows, uh, like everything about me.
Tony:Did you show him pictures of your frosted tips?
Jay:no, I didn't show him pictures of anything, he probably assumed.
Jay:So he did, uh, at the end of all of this, uh, finding out I had nothing else wrong other than just fucked up discs in my back and arthritis in my neck that uh, he did the alignment thing. And I was not prepared for an alignment thing. I don't know what's an alignment thing. They put you down, or well, his thing was like. It was like a Frankenstein bed standing straight up. You like lay, you, stand on it like you're, you're standing like you're sleeping, like a conehead.
Jay:Yes, I was just gonna say that it's strange sleeping like a conehead, and then he brings you down and then he's like, all right, inhale and the next. And then like cracks the shit out of my back in one spot I want to find out if this chiropractor did it hurt did. No, it didn't hurt. It felt great, but it was like it shocked me, did he?
Tony:have, uh, the never-ending roll of white paper that went where your face went. Yeah, did he pull it in front of you and rip it?
Jay:yeah, so before I before I put my face into it. He did yeah, okay.
Tony:So what does that? What does that mean?
Jay:he's legit but it wasn't white, it was brown. Ooh Ooh.
Chris:He went with butcher paper dude. It was shiny on one side.
Jay:That's going to be an issue. So he cracked my back in one spot, did it in another spot, did it in another spot, and every time I go I'm like ugh, ugh, ugh. I'm like dude, I'm sorry I never had this happen. I don't mean to make all these weird noises.
Chris:He probably said that Everybody does that right.
Jay:He's like dude, you're quiet compared to some people. And then he did my neck Fucking. You guys saw it. He laid down even further down and then he pulls my neck up and then turns it to the side and cracks it. Damn, you feel like your neck, your head, is going to come off your body.
Jay:I don't want that to happen, dude. I told my mom about this because she wants a chiropractor. She wants to find a different one because she doesn't like the way I live now and she's like I would never let anyone do the neck cracking. My friend. She had to go to the hospital after getting her neck cracked at a chiropractor and she was paralyzed for a week.
Jay:She had to go see a real doctor like mom, I was fine, I'm not, I'm still alive. I got like three of them now done. He's. He's a good guy.
Chris:He understood me he's a good guy.
Jay:So after the, the first consultation, all this shit went through. He's like jesus christ, what's wrong with your back? He started feeling it. It's all, uh, super tense. I got I've because I never had a massage in my life, so like, basically all my muscles are just constricted. He's like the next time I see you in two days, you're getting a massage and I'm gonna rework your body again. So that's what I waited for. So the next you were preparing shaving your butthole wow, how do you know you had a camera in my house?
Tony:yeah, yeah, dude, I know you. You shave your butthole for every anytime you think somebody might see it so basically, uh, I had a day to prepare for this massage.
Chris:Okay, so my massage oh, he assigned you a massage. Yeah, is it massage. I got a cousin who does massage they have massages right at their car factory? Of course they do. Is that covered under insurance? Because the doctor wrote the note.
Jay:I'll tell you in a second.
Tony:It's weird, weird are you on state insurance?
Jay:no, I had to shop for uh shirts. I got blue anthem anthem, blue cross shield what the fuck is okay, uh, it's actually pretty, it's not that bad, yeah, but the the uh co-pays are insane. I had an eye doctor I had to go to. My co-pay was 200. They overcharged me and they had to get. They sent me 15. Check in the fucking mail like two weeks later. Stupid anyway.
Tony:So what's your deductible uh? I mean thousands, I don't even know, man you ate that deductible with all your prostate work this year.
Jay:Yeah basically I I did the highest deductible, so my monthly cost would be low.
Chris:Yeah, okay smart with so many kids to that and they're really careful too, your, your boys, what they're really careful too.
Tony:Oh yeah, right my deductibles 3 500 per person or 7 000 for the family.
Jay:Yeah, it's probably like double that for one person. No comment, okay. So, uh, this was monday, this happened. My massage was scheduled for wednesday. That's why I was like, hey, we can't do the podcast.
Chris:Wednesday I get a massage oh god, that's why we couldn't. I'm missing a football game, my kids gymnastics. No, that's not all that, because I'm missing a football game.
Tony:My kids' gymnastics? No, that's not why.
Chris:Because you needed to get a massage.
Tony:This is great. I love it. But he told me after the massage I had to sit in a room full of candles for a couple hours, so I wasn't going to be able.
Jay:So yesterday I got this massage. So yeah, and I do the same thing I always do for a doctor I prepare.
Tony:Shave your balls, shave your butthole and really for the next week, wiping's gonna be a breeze. All the residual oil and no hair. It's gonna be the best.
Jay:Yeah, had. I had to get rid of my winter winter coat, so I did do some shaving and I won't tell you about that because it's not important in this story, did your?
Tony:wife ask you why the fuck are you having me shave your back for some other?
Jay:bitch. Yes, not in that exact form, but yes, in some kind of context.
Tony:She said bitch more.
Jay:Why do you need to impress someone else? Just let your hair flow, shut up bitch and shave it.
Tony:She's trying to keep you unfuckable.
Jay:This is how she keeps giving me donuts in the morning. Get over here and eat your sugar so, uh, I'm really nervous about this massage because, again, the last time I got a massage, that should be the exact opposite of how you feel about getting a massage well, guess what?
Jay:I'm not the fuck, I'm not a normal person, okay, uh, the last time I got a massage I was fucking, uh. I had to take 15 minutes to get all the fucking lube off my body. So I was ready to get lubed on, um, and I prepared myself. I prepared myself by shaving, yes, so I I got. I left half an hour. The place is two minutes down the road. I let the half half hour before I had to get to my appointment and I just kind of just creepily sat in the parking lot.
Jay:I sat in the parking lot just kind of amping myself up, turning on deftones, just getting ready for this massage.
Tony:That's how you get amped up. Couple free weights trying to pump your body up.
Chris:He's in there doing this seatbelt move.
Jay:I was dead lifting bags of fucking cement in the back. Why are you so sweaty? I get in there, I don't know what to expect. I do not know what to expect, so I things are going through my mind pretty badly, like you know. Do I have to pull my? Take all my clothes off? Do I have to wear pants? What should I wear there? Should I take my shirt off?
Tony:you brought he brought a duffel bag. I brought some pajamas, some boxer briefs. I didn't know what to expect.
Chris:I bring a life survival kit shows up wearing nothing but the backpack just walks through the front door in a robe.
Tony:It's not. I've been prepared, ready for. Is this a two hands or?
Jay:a four hands. Oh my gosh. So I get in, check in. You're getting massaged before your alignment with the doc. Right? Yeah, I am, how'd you know? It's on right here. It's on your schedule. Well, it's written down. So I'm going to get in. She's ready for me and, like fuck, I was fucking like 10 minutes early. I was ready to sit down in the chair in the waiting room to get myself up a little bit more, but no, read a little golf, digest something so now I get in the room and then, uh, it's a little, uh walked in the room.
Jay:It's dark, so that kind of helped out with my anxiety. But I look at her, she's looking at me, I think that's the point.
Tony:All the hair on your body. She's like you're still in here.
Jay:Jay, jason, jason so she's looking at me, I'm looking at her and I'm like I'm like what should I do? I mean, I didn't say it out loud, but I'm like what's the next move? Do I start taking my shirt off right away? Do I pull my dick out?
Tony:do I offer to move my own dick or does she do it?
Jay:I don't know if I was supposed to pick between lotions, if I was supposed to pick my own music.
Tony:She's got him laid out on the bed. I'll take the KY why.
Jay:Shit, I'll take the KY. I told her the first thing I said to her and I regret saying this because I knew this was probably just sounded really stupid, but the first thing I said to her. I looked at her and she looked at me and I said hey, baby, this is my first time. What do I do next? Then she made it all comfortable. She was great, she's awesome masseuse. She's like okay, this is what I need you to do. Got all the fucking rules down. Need you to take your fucking clothes off, keep your pants on, keep your socks on. Need you to get under this blanket, put the blanket up to your back area, or actually before all that. She asked me where the pain was and I told her it was. She's like great, we'll focus on the area. This is what we're going to do. We're going to put you in this.
Jay:So I got myself situated to her extensive detail, like movements of. I'm trying to make it sound smarter, it sounds dumb. She just made me do what I had to do. So she leaves the room, I get in the, I get on the, I get on the fucking on the massage bed and I put my head in the donut or a face in the donut. And then I kind of just like I try to relax and I was like, okay, this is actually a lot better than I thought it was. She comes in after like five minutes. What did you think it was gonna be? I don't know.
Tony:Devils and nightmarish fucking stabbings that's what your wife told you. It was supposed to be like yeah, she's like oh, jay ah she said you better get it I have to go get another.
Chris:Oh gosh, I can't believe I have to do this. I have to go get another massage. Can I get 80 bucks? I gotta, I have to do it so she, she was awesome.
Jay:She made me feel comfortable. That was the next stretch. So after that, uh, she, uh, I got ready for her. She knocked on the door after like a couple minutes of me getting ready. It's like you ready? Yeah, come in in. She comes in. And then she, uh, she puts on a cd of wilson phillips cd I think it was a cd, I actually didn't look.
Tony:I sound like she put something she puts on a CD of Wilson Phillips, a CD.
Jay:I think it was a CD. I actually didn't look. It sounded like she put something in something and then hit play Cassette tape.
Tony:And it was the first. Seven minutes are rewinding.
Jay:What a soothing sound of rewinding cassette tape. No, it was like waves or something. She had waves, she had candles, she had scents, she had all this shit in there, uh, so she had waves playing. And then, um, oh shit, what was I gonna say? And then, yeah, that just made me more comfortable and I was, I was feeling, I was feeling good. Then I was like, okay, this is great. I, what the fuck was I worrying about? This is a massage. Jay, jesus, dude, why do you have to be so anxious about everything? I mean, literally, I get anxious about getting lube and I'm like, yes, and I'm starting to be like, oh shit, just two pumps, we go again, please. Just I mean, I wanted to say something like don't like I shaved my back.
Tony:You don't need to use that much I was.
Jay:I was worried that she was going to put too much on, but she only did it one time throughout the whole massage, so I was happy.
Tony:So okay, let's get back in it. Let's take glitter. Yeah, really try to ruin your relationship at all so let's get.
Jay:Let's get back to the beginning of the massage. So she starts off massaging my neck and my shoulders and then she starts getting a little more heavy and elbow-y. She starts using her elbows and her arms and getting in there. So it's hurting but it's feeling good at the same time. But then I remembered that this morning I don't know why I do stupid shit I don't think about I had a vegetarian protein cookie and those things gave me gas and as I was sitting on there relaxing more because I was so tense the whole day thinking about it, I think I just held all of my gas and frustration into my body.
Tony:As opposed to eating cookies that have meat in them.
Jay:No, remember I talked about these protein cookies before.
Chris:The vegetarian means what? No, they give you gas.
Tony:Oh, the new trendy vegan Sorry, vegan cookies.
Jay:Did I say vegetarian? Yeah, okay, let's go back to that and say vegan. I meant vegan.
Tony:I was wondering like do your cookies normally have salmon in?
Jay:them Got it. Yeah, that sounds stupid. I meant to say vegan cookies.
Chris:That sounds stupid too, but go on.
Jay:It's, for different reasons, a vegan protein cookie, and I don't know why I just I ate it. I had to. It was buy one, get one free at the gas station at quick trip. Like fuck, gotta get two, you can't just not get two. And then you're like. You're like, should I eat the second one? Fuck, I'm still hungry, ate the second one, and that gives me really bad gas and usually I get it out throughout the day.
Chris:But I'm thinking about the massage, so I'm we've heard about this problem out on the job site before Right.
Jay:So yeah, I know it's a running problem, Remember that one. Remember that one, yeah.
Tony:Cute customer basement project headphones. Didn't know she was there.
Jay:So you knew, you know the vegan Blasting them, you know the vegan cookie Dude. I got an email so you guys kind of understand where this is going. Um, so I'm getting a little looser, getting feeling a little more relaxed, but sounds in the waves and the massaging and the rubbing on the arms and all that stuff she's doing to me and I am now.
Tony:The looseness of your butthole is gonna show its true colors.
Jay:I. I'm starting to feel a little tingling by my butthole, like something's gonna come out like I'm going to fart. Like little tingling by my butthole, like something's going to come out Like I'm going to fart yeah.
Tony:And it makes the massage therapist uncomfortable. When you shove your finger in your butt to cork it, you reach over. Just wipe a little Squeeze, a few puffs of lube. Stab your thumb in your butthole, just wipe a little lube off the back of your neck thumb. In your butthole, just wipe a little lube off the back of your neck.
Jay:If I only could bring my hand next. If I could only stretch my arm Like a man. If I could only stretch my arm that far back to put my finger in my butthole, I would have done it. But no, a little squeak came out while she was kind of pushing and thrusting towards my spine and I was like fuck, fuck. I don't think she heard it. The waves are pretty loud.
Chris:Oh, is this one got belugas.
Jay:And then I'm kind of like smelling the air. She's like, oh shit, no, no, no.
Tony:This lotion's gone rancid no.
Jay:I was smelling the air. I'm like, fuck, I don't think she heard it, but she might smell it. And I'm like I don't think it smells. I don't smell anything, okay. So after like a minute or two it didn't smell. So I'm like, good, I'm okay. So then I got more relaxed again and then she starts like diving into my back like a fucking diver, jumping into the ocean, like I don't know what it is, like my face is looking towards the ground. I don't know what she's doing. I can't see what she's doing. All I know is I can feel what she's doing and she is getting her elbows and sliding towards my ass with her body and like her, whatever her stomach and chest are hitting the back of my head and like I can feel, or just kind of like rocking down my body.
Tony:It's the strangest thing, but it felt amazing yeah, it usually costs extra kind of tip do you leave on that?
Chris:I was gonna ask if there was a flip of the ipad along any of these steps I give her used, it's just going to ask you one quick question, real quick, and then you can close out this transaction.
Jay:I give her used gift card. So she's starting to dive into my back a little bit more. And now I'm starting to even get more of these gas pains and the whole time like I'm tensing up so I don't fart. And she I guess she can tell that and she's like can you let it go? Can you relax a little bit? Can you relax your body? And she's like shaking my shoulders, like relax your body a little bit. I'm like okay, so I start relaxing my body a bit more and then I tense up right away when she starts rubbing again because it's fucking right there, my fart. I can tell it's right at the tip of the butthole, right just ready to explode. And she keeps doing it and she's still like. She's like you're still kind of tense, can you? I mean, I know it's your first massage, but can you relax a little bit?
Tony:in all seriousness. That is the only time it is acceptable to fart in front of a stranger.
Chris:I was waiting for my opportunity to be like dude. This is like her job, dude. It's like yeah that's like the situation that's why they got all the candles burning and all the fucking incense going in the sound machine so it's not too quiet okay, fine, well, now I know I can do.
Jay:You think it's?
Chris:normal for most like a person to be rubbing their body in their chest, on their belly, up on your head as they're rubbing their elbows into your back. No, that's what you're fucking, red or loose dude well because you're probably not knowing it, you're sweating and shit. You probably start stinking as soon as she starts releasing them toxins that's true she did say that and she said it's like.
Tony:It's like a tip at a hibachi restaurant, you know, just to let them know that they're doing a great job. Like you drop, you drop a real squealer. She's gonna be like my work here is done well that's the thing is.
Jay:what I was getting to was the last part I it was towards the end of the massage and I couldn't hold it anymore. She really like elbows deep into my lower back and I don't know where her face was. Hope it wasn't by my butt, because it was like I tried to stop it.
Tony:I couldn't stop it. You can't why. Why would you try to stop it? Because it's stop it. Oh no, you can't. Why would you try to stop it? Because?
Jay:it's embarrassing.
Tony:You already started.
Jay:It's embarrassing, Tony, and it's more embarrassing when it lasts longer.
Tony:No, I think it's the same amount of embarrassing.
Jay:But I stopped it after like five seconds. It was a long one and my stomach hurt for like two hours after I left that massage. Yeah, oh, I don't know if I could do massage again you you definitely can, but she's like, oh don't know the rule but she was awesome too, like she also. She said oh don't worry, it happens, it happens yeah like I know, but I don't want it to happen I don't want it to happen.
Jay:I don't want it to happen. I don't want it to happen. You, I don't want it to happen, I don't want it to happen. You know, you do, I brought a fart in that guy into my honeymoon. Lotion me up. I'd fart in him all day long.
Tony:Just blowing bubbles out of your ass.
Jay:And they wouldn't float.
Tony:They just fall right to the ground from all the lube Just suck right back in when you're done. Why do I keep calling it lube Lotion in when you're done? Keep calling it lube no ocean. No, no, no. So I think your massage experience wasn't enjoyable because you could have been consistently letting off little little farts through the whole thing and been fine but I wouldn't do that I'd be like I would just simply say, I would simply go, I would say excuse me, susan, it's going to get messy.
Chris:Was it Susan or Sally? What was it Sally? Okay, sally, I ate a vegan vegetable bar with ground up grasshoppers in it today.
Tony:Usually when I eat the pulled pork cookie, I'm fine.
Chris:I forgot they make me fart. The farts stink really bad, I'm sorry I want to envision a pulled. Please continue and then you just tell her to please continue like all right.
Jay:Well, now I know that it's acceptable to fart during a massage.
Tony:All right, let's just say you're leaving the job site. You got a half hour ride home but you really got to piss. Yeah, like you don't realize until you sit down in the car and 15 minutes into that ride you are like dangerously close to pissing your pants. Yeah, but you're at a point now where you cannot stop until you get home and you hold it in all the way until you get home. You are in fucking pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the time you get home you're literally like pressing the tip of your dick to keep it.
Tony:Doing a little dancey thing Pushing your dick into your balls and everything fucking hurts right.
Chris:Everything's taking longer than it's supposed to you go to turn your car off. You gotta like turn it twice because you're panicking.
Jay:You grab your coffee mug and it makes you three times. That's the first step to a urinary tract infection, Tony.
Tony:But that's what I'm saying. It hurts because you held it in when, if you would have just pissed, it would have been. You would have been taking your second piss by the time you got home. Waited in your car. No, what I'm saying is you hurt because you didn't let out the farts that needed to come out.
Jay:But they shouldn't have come out during that point.
Chris:You probably should plan your vegan shit bars. No, trust me.
Jay:I told you in the beginning of the story that I make dumb decisions and I wasn't thinking.
Tony:It's not a dumb decision, though you got to let it out when you're in that room. I mean, the massage therapist doesn't like it, but that's how they get paid the big bucks, and you tip them when you're done I was.
Jay:I was asking her too. So like, how do I tip you? She's like I got a vemo sticker setting or set up in the front. We can just uh copy the qr code. What'd you tip 40. Is that?
Tony:not good. 40. American. Why, that's a lot of money, dude, that's a lot For a tip.
Chris:I don't know what to do. How long was the massage? An hour.
Jay:Yeah, I thought that's about right, isn't it? I don't know, it sounds like a lot 20 per 30?.
Chris:Sounds like I don't know how much. I don't either. I was about to give her a used gift card.
Tony:I thought that was kind of a bad idea. Well, they're usually $60 an hour. It's kind of like $60 to $80. So I should have given her $20. Like $20 would have been solid. That's like 33%.
Jay:Well, you know what? I gave her an extra $20 for the farts. Yeah, feel bad.
Tony:Yep, farts, yeah, feel bad. Yep, thank god they didn't smell. At least I couldn't smell them. At least now, at your next session, you can be like oh that, that last tip I gave you was for three sessions tony, I'm never going back to them why?
Chris:you fucking stop why being an adult in their face?
Tony:they expect, they actually, I think, like it. I'm pretty sure I honestly I'm pretty sure that you become a massage therapist because you have a fart fetish yeah I don't know man remember guys, this happened yesterday.
Chris:Yeah, you're gonna have to recoil on that thought process and get back on the track. Because I'm still a little you look pretty relaxed today, though I'm super relaxed.
Jay:It, it fucking relaxed. The shit I mean not only to get like all the farts that are built up into me out. I got all that tension under my shoulders. I'm not. I'll bet 90 of your shoulder.
Chris:Tension is holding farts in all this. Like, what are you waiting for? Like, do you fart in front of your wife? Oh, fuck yeah, I'll fart on her. I don't care, okay, okay, no, she's the one that. Do you fart in front of your wife? Oh, fuck yeah, I'll fart on her, I don't care, okay.
Jay:No, she's the one that won't fart in front of me. She's farted one time in front of me only because we were fucking around and I sat on her back while she's on the couch. And now she's like yeah, she's like yeah, that's. Girls, what about your wife? She fart in front of you.
Chris:Oh, yeah, for sure All the time. Or like she's, like she lifts her leg in your face, yeah, I don't like it, my favorite thing when. I do it is. I'll stand next to her and put my butt cheeks up against her eye and let loose so she can feel it and not only hear it and smell it.
Jay:Oh my God, you guys are a Close. Okay, I'll fart and then I'll be like excuse, or I'll be like Tracy, don't breathe.
Chris:No, she just blames it on the dog. The kid does too.
Jay:Yeah, but when you hear it and you see yourself kind of go like that.
Chris:You know it's fucking for you. We all know it's not the dog.
Jay:It's like a joke. Did you walk in and then fart? No, Well, you got a smelly Reese. Well.
Chris:Jay, that's your worst week in recent memory. No, that's my worst week in the life of this week Interesting Great segment. Yeah, how'd you guys like it. Lead us out, Jay.
Jay:So whenever you get a massage, I guess you can fart. When you're getting a massage. That's a new thing I learned today and something that everyone should take into concept when they're getting a massage. That's a new thing I learned today and something that everyone should take into concept. When they're getting a massage, just fart.
Chris:If you would have got there a little earlier, there probably would have been a little like what do they call them? A teepee, a tent card with information on it, and one side would have been like don't forget to sign your card for release, your release card in case you're injured, and also remember our massage therapists. Enjoy your farts or whatever, on the other side that's perfect.
Jay:Lead us out with that, chris, our massage therapists enjoy and, with Tony's own words, respect your farts. I think they crave it, crave it.
Tony:Crave it. I think, they go home disappointed Like no. The last three guys held them in, this guy did not. I haven't gotten a fart in a week, Damn it. I tried so hard to make him fart and he wouldn't do it.
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