Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Balancing Marital Intimacy and the Humor of Childbirth
The episode delves into the comedic complexities of intimacy in long-term relationships, including the impact of parenting and aging on sexual desires. With lighthearted discussions, the hosts tackle topics such as masturbation, sex frequency negotiations, and the unique struggles couples face as they navigate marriage and parenthood.
• Honest reflections on marriage and sexual needs
• The significance of open communication
• Navigating the complexities of intimacy with children
• The humorous realities of childbirth experiences
• Emphasizing the importance of patience and understanding in relationships
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Jay:I thought you were going to say do you physically jerk off? Did you say do you physically journal? Do you physically jerk off or do you mentally jerk off? You know, I just had this conversation with my wife like three days ago, mentally or physically jerking off she's.
Tony:She said something, so we got in a fight a couple weeks ago, right?
Chris:was it okay. So you've only been married for 20 years and only been together for 38 of them right so I would assume you have more than just this is your first fight
Tony:in like what time period this is the first time I ever stop touching the record. This is the first time I've ever actually yelled at her yeah, I thought it is.
Jay:I thought you punched her and pushed her down the stairs one time never.
Tony:She asked me to one time.
Jay:I told her no to which one punch or push down the stairs.
Tony:Punch her down the stairs well, she's pregnant at the time give me a quick jab to the fucking kidneys.
Tony:I'm gonna stand at the top of the stairs back to the steps I need you to drop, kick me. But no, in all seriousness, I, I had a discussion with her. Uh, because now it's a discussion. Yeah, I, I didn't actually yell, but I was pretty passionate about it and I said you know, I'm in my 40s now and I don't know how things work, but I assume I only got like 10 good glory days, 10 good years left with, you know, a rock hard cock. I don't know how it works. I think in your 50s it just stops.
Chris:I know I try to use that line too. It didn't work on my end. I can't wait.
Tony:Okay, go on and uh, I said I'll be damned if I spend the next 10 years only using this thing once a week.
Chris:All the hours later, you're gonna get a break but now wait, you're.
Tony:You're once a week oh, I mean slow dude. When we used to get together, tony was like once an hour.
Chris:His wife would come in here.
Tony:We'd have to wait 30 minutes yeah, just to make things easier, she used to blow me under the desk so I can continue to talk, but uh, it's really awkward. No, I said you know, like once a week like I'm I'm not having it. It's got to be more than that. I got needs and she brought up. She's like why don't you just like how many times a week do you jerk off?
Jay:why don't you?
Tony:just masturbate more, and I was thinking about it. I go years without jerking off and that's probably why, when I don't get sex for a whole week, I get so fucking angry. All your juice, I'm like she's probably right, like I should just like. Oh, it's been two days.
Chris:Don't let her trick you into that shit but I refuse you're one of the luckier ones, tony. You don't know what you're gonna lose if you give in. You're one of the luckier ones, tony. You don't know what you're going to lose if you give in. You're one of the ones that people are like oh dang dog, I'm just fucking around.
Tony:I told her, four times a week is the acceptable amount. Four times, four times a week, I mean that's basically an every other day schedule.
Chris:She's 40?
Tony:that's basically an every other day schedule. She's 40 it's basically only every other day and it's not like it's not like it's a big time sucker anything. I mean I could get in and out in a minute or two she's, you know, she's 40 right, yeah, 40 yet oh no, she is 40, she's okay. So you want to?
Jay:you want to go by every decade. Uh, add it to a week weekly. So every decade you do four times a week for every decade of your life, right? So when she's 50, you're gonna add another five a week five.
Tony:Well that hopefully the kids are crusting leaving the house by then. Do you ever get you?
Jay:ever get. You don't feel like doing it Me? Yeah, no, you always feel like doing it. Just let you walk around with a boner.
Chris:Yeah.
Tony:I can get hard.
Chris:Like that. Good pickup on this snap dude. He's like watch this.
Jay:And it's off Interesting.
Tony:I would like to see this, but not really, but I think I think me pushing for four times a week is completely fair and you best not ask her to ask her friends.
Chris:Don't ask her friends I will settle she takes a poll. You're fucking done.
Tony:I'll see this is like a negotiation thing, right? Because right now it's at one. I'm pushing for four and we're gonna close the deal around two and a half that's like a once every three day thing, so so the. There's gonna be like there's two sex, one blow job, and I'm gonna be like, oh, that's that's the half gonna do it.
Jay:The half is the blow job. I thought maybe the half was just like you got a couple minutes and then, if you don't, go, you don't go.
Chris:No, it's like an over-under. You got to wait until next week. I guess that's how it fucking works.
Jay:Here's your timer. You got an egg timer. You turn the dial.
Tony:She's going to on the 30th every month playing catch up.
Jay:Shit got two strikes left, all right. So you have, uh, a broom with a locked door, which I don't, so that's a lot easier for you to to maintain that four, four times a week you're telling me that the reason you're not having sex with your wife four times a week is because you don't have a lock on your door, yeah I don't used to have one on their bathroom, but they took it off, so now there's just a hole.
Chris:The cats who tenant in there got upset.
Tony:Yeah, that was so they could feed the cats. They just took the handle off. And poor food. I don't even have a door.
Jay:I don't even have a door. And the kids they like to try to scare you at nighttime so they're hiding out of the bed around the corner. So you know.
Chris:You don't even know if one of the children are even upstairs when you walk up there has every one of your children walked in and seen you?
Jay:oh fuck to god, not, I mean, if they did, maybe they ran away, I don't know if they did, maybe they would stop trying to see what the hell is going on in there.
Tony:I should let him see my ass hanging out Just see Jay's hairy ass going to work. Yes.
Chris:Yes, they will never Violating those kids' mothers. Most of your kids are old enough for that.
Jay:So basically they won't look again. You want me to dramatize them mentally?
Tony:No, I don't want to do anything. What did I say?
Jay:Dramatize them. Let's take away the D and add a T to that then.
Chris:Dramatize I'm dramatizing the situation. Yeah, I'm dramatizing it, but yeah. Gotcha, it's not because of.
Tony:Just do like I do Get a sheet, poke a hole in it.
Jay:Then nobody's got to see nothing. Get a lock well, you need a door to fucking have a lock, bro.
Tony:You got a parking garage you could go in if you need to with uh 60 other people with their cars downstairs.
Jay:Yeah, I'll see. I see like they ain't never seen somebody fucking before. Also I seen. I've seen a grandma walk past. It's pushing a grocery cart.
Tony:She'll probably cheer you on.
Chris:Or hey, how about this? Why don't you move into the fucking master bedroom?
Jay:Oh, I can't. You know I don't trust the kids upstairs. They'd be doing fucking belly flops off the fucking. They'd be jumping off.
Tony:Here's an idea send the kids up to your room and go fuck it in their room.
Jay:this is so gross, couldn't do that. Bunk beds no, they don't work. Good for fucking. You want to do it on the top bunk or bottom bunk?
Chris:yeah, how do you guys?
Tony:never mind, you need a bed to have sex.
Jay:You fucking weirdo well, listen to me. I proposed putting barbed wire in an electrical fence.
Chris:Now you're talking.
Jay:But that costs money and no one wants to invest in that.
Tony:Here's what you do. You take all your old cookie sheets, you gather them all up?
Jay:How did you have more than one cookie sheet?
Tony:You would collect them. We got four different sizes, two of each like a normal human. All right, let me hear what you're gonna say, but it's a little extravagant.
Jay:You, you put them hanging half over, just so they're about to fall on the steps when they're walking up the stairs, it slaps them in the face or just makes noise, so it falls down, that's.
Chris:It's basically like a doorbell for your steps have you ever seen the movie home alone, where he tricks up the robbers and gets them all hurt while they try to come up the stairs for example, I'm gonna put some paint, paint cans with string attached there's a scene in home alone where the two bad guys are like trying to to come into place and they're sliding on some jelly that's on the ground and that's become a new Diddy meme on the internet. The Home.
Tony:Alone guys fucking sliding in the entryway of the house.
Jay:Is that Home Alone 2?
Tony:Because it's ice they're sliding on in Home Alone 1. No, this is in the in the entry, the foyer I have no idea. The house, okay, but uh, yeah, so I don't know where I was going, why this conversation was even brought up.
Chris:Yeah, you were talking about a top shelf in your wife four times a week.
Jay:Oh, and then good name for that.
Chris:Yeah or four, yeah, four times a week. Did you know you're gonna report back this whole story, this whole?
Tony:story was brought up because, uh, yeah, in her rebuttal to that she was asking how many times a jerk in a week? And the answer is at most like once a year, and that is and I'm not even the one doing it, it's usually her once an hour.
Jay:Yeah, like I, yeah he really he was outside not doing his. He was jerking off outside when he went to for a break well, I know.
Tony:That's why he closes the door when he goes into the bathroom.
Chris:I don't even need it to be hard.
Tony:Yeah, you're talking like I can't play with this fucking flappy little thing Twirl in a wet noodle.
Jay:What are you doing? So what are you doing? It is not fully hard, you just pull it out really far, if I told you it wouldn't be masturbation anymore.
Chris:You wanted to join in, so I can't share. I just rub it on the wall. Yeah, silent, hump, or whatever. The mental, mental base, the mental masturbation is that what you were calling it?
Jay:yeah, mental masturbation instead of physical masturbation. Um, that's usually a wet dream, but I've never had one in my life, so I couldn't tell you I had a wet dream.
Tony:Once Turns out it was just piss. I thought I could make it through that Without laughing. I couldn't.
Jay:That's funny. You had that ready to go For probably like a minute and he was just waiting to say it, but every time he tried to start saying it he started giggling. So he finally got the courage, had that ready to go for probably like a minute and he was just waiting to say it, but he every time he tried to start saying it he started giggling so he finally got the courage to get it all out just waiting for it to come up organically in conversation.
Jay:You did a great job. You didn't giggle at all, you got. You got through the whole entire thing without laughing, until the end.
Tony:I feel like I'm in eighth grade right now yeah, hey, can you toss me a note?
Jay:yes or no question?
Tony:but uh, yeah. So apparently you guys didn't have anything to add to the masturbation topic, so yeah, I don't know how many times how many times a week?
Jay:you fucking be honest um, I'll answer that in a second, but I think I'm not going to answer the question either. I think that Are you guys not putting good?
Chris:numbers on the board, because if you're putting decent numbers, I'm not putting I don't feel the need to comment in any which way that you might want to try to get a comment.
Tony:So welcome to Tony's podcast, where Tony is the only one who shares. What's the name of it?
Chris:going to be no, we get some banging done.
Jay:No, there's definitely once a week. Yeah, sure, Maybe sometimes once a month. It depends on the situation. You know people are sick Allergy season right now. You don't want anybody sniffing in your face.
Chris:I got slammed with the Wait, wait what I got. We can't do it this week because of the lady things. You know the friends in town.
Jay:Who the fuck would ever do that with Flo, would you? I mean, tony's a nasty ass, doesn't he?
Tony:I do not, actually I won't even be in the same room with her that week. I won't comment on that either.
Jay:So is that what the next week? Then you add another two to this equation because you're backed up, Because you're supposed to do four a week.
Tony:No, it's. A monthly average of 16 is what I'm actually looking for.
Chris:It's best to put it out into a month. You're asking us to go weekly.
Tony:Like five-week months. She has it easy. But February comes around, she's got some work to do.
Chris:What are you saying, chris? So we're not wanting to have another kid for right now, or probably ever, right? I didn't think you'd ever. Even Katie is for sure not. We might adopt a kid later, but Just stick with the dogs. I digress yeah, you don't feel bad when you got to get later, but Just stick with the dogs. I digress.
Tony:yeah, you don't feel bad when you got to get rid of them from pissing in the house.
Chris:Ah damn, dog, shit, again Call Maddox.
Tony:You can't do that shit with a kid.
Chris:I told that kid if he went through eight diapers today, he was done for.
Jay:Maybe he can get back after he peed in the house. You never know.
Chris:Someone's wrong with this kid. I got the line we can't do it this week because I'm a fertile young woman here Shark week and then another period of time where she can most likely become pregnant according to some fucking calendar. So she won't do it then. So she was saying I'm not gonna do it that in case something were to happen you don't pull out you promised to pull out though, right, yeah, right.
Tony:I swear to god, I'll get most of it on your back, yeah I mean we do that, yeah, so we got our ways.
Jay:Chris is so uncool.
Chris:Yeah, we do that Well she's not here to talk so I don't want to put she don't listen to this shit.
Jay:I put a lot of things in her mouth.
Chris:I don't want the words to be one of them.
Jay:How about that? Wait? What did you put in her mouth?
Chris:So, yeah, that didn't last. I was like what have you ever?
Jay:gotten that shit. Well, I'm I'm too likely to get pregnant to bang right. No, I never had that one.
Chris:No, and it happens so much it it's so much happens that that's the same time they're super horny as well.
Jay:The only time she can't get pregnant is when she's bleeding and you won't touch her gross, okay now that's one thing that uh, a lot of guys would say don't or do discuss them to say that or hear that I know lots of people that don't care and I in the least bit I don't care about blood. Blood does not bother me, but where having it touch me does where the blood is coming from does bother me.
Chris:I don't care about it, but I also don't I care, I don't know how to say this. I'm not doing it I don't care, I like I have. I'm not gonna be telling it hasn't ever happened I don't think it's normal blood either.
Jay:I don't think it's normal blood either.
Tony:I don't think it's normal blood. No, there's egg wall shedding. Yeah, it's like lumpy blood.
Chris:This isn't like you got this bite on your arm and you scratched it too many times and it scabbed and then one day you pick this scab and a little blood came out. It's not the same as that.
Tony:And you know the thing is too, is it's like I don't know. I would just assume it hurts more like if I had a fucking open gash on no, my back and somebody stuck a dick in it it would hurt really bad, maybe that, but I've heard at all.
Jay:I've heard, I've heard that the women get more horny.
Tony:No, it's like that point it's like talladega knights when he stabs himself in the leg and he shoves the other knife in to get the stuck knife out. I imagine that's what it's like like shoving a knife into an open wound.
Chris:I just there's there's just too much wrong with it. Cram another knife in there. What does he say?
Jay:it's jammed in there.
Tony:It's peened in there I'll use this knife to get it out. It's all wedged in there. That's what it is, but uh, yeah, there's no, there's no chance, no chance of what of uh doing it when they're yeah, why does it?
Chris:I don't actually care, but for the viewers, listeners at home, why not? What does it fucking matter?
Jay:all right. Well, my brother asked me this question a lot. He's like you ever had your. You don't got your red, was it red?
Tony:red wings like motherfucker.
Jay:What the hell is wrong with you?
Chris:no, wonder you're not. I'm not eating. I'm not exactly looking to eat out at the live. I don't care if I dip my fries right. Is that what it says?
Tony:yeah, I'll stick with my clear wings holy shit, that's good that's eating pussy, not on a period yeah, I'm not doing that have uh, has your ladies ever tried to trick you?
Chris:I don't know, I don't think so come in the shower. Shower, I've gotten that.
Jay:No, fuck no, no, why does it gross you out so?
Chris:much it's gross? I don't think it's gross.
Tony:Try to get it and then tell you well, it's just light, it's light Because it is, it's hit or miss. You won't even see anything. Oh, they do.
Jay:Oh fuck, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Chris:Why does it gross? Can you All right Time out Can? You say the word vagina.
Jay:Vagina. That was close enough, all right, so I know what you had as a period, because I see the boxes out.
Chris:The boxes are all over the place. I can smell it like a fucking wolf in the full moon. Man, what do you mean? You can see the boxes out.
Jay:She. Just all of a sudden, you're walking through the house and all of a sudden there's a fucking box, kitchen, counter, couch and table.
Tony:She's shaking that crammer everywhere Heavy duty load.
Jay:Okay, so you don't have doors or cabinet doors, either in your house. When he comes? Got to be ready. Yeah, it's like a grenade. You got to find that grenade pole, don't you just?
Chris:buy like a. I have like 156 of them and then a fucking rack going through the hall like you. Just there's a cabinet and she goes, you do get some.
Jay:Well, not for me. Do you have to put quarters in to get them out? Yeah, you got a vending machine, right?
Tony:right on the back of the bathroom door.
Jay:I'm pretty cheap chris is like hey, you don't got quarters, you ain't fucking. You better roll up a t-shirt. Yeah, you better find another way, this ain't working.
Chris:I guess I have no idea how it actually works well you know, I've never had to buy him.
Jay:I I know by the color of the box if it's going to be a heavier light flow in there and therefore it's. It's about how angry she will be because you know, I think the the different colors darker colors and she's going to be more mad.
Tony:I don't think that that bad attitude on your period's a real thing. That is just a cop out dude.
Chris:No, that is a real thing I know right away when she has her. You know this is an unpopular. You just said you need. You know this is an unpopular.
Tony:You just said you need the box.
Chris:Well, okay.
Tony:This is an unpopular opinion, but I think they use the bad attitude all the time and blame it on their period, the same way that they talk about how hard childbirth is.
Chris:God Tony.
Tony:I'm.
Chris:Come on, you can't sit in a room with three guys here and try to have a podcast and just talk like we know how it is to be a woman. All right, go on, go on.
Jay:As a kid I always remember thinking to myself that I'm so happy I'm a man, I don't have to give, I don't have the fucking giant thing coming out of my asshole, or whatever.
Jay:It would definitely be, more difficult to be a woman but if you think I have these weird thoughts of like when you have a really bad shit and you compare it to like you're like while I was a real taint splitter. Whatever you were getting giving birth, but like taking this shit and times it at my five oh my god, no, I watched my kid come out of my wife's.
Chris:Oh me too, both of them well, you that's why you only had one.
Jay:You're like holy, this ain't doing this again fuck like you're.
Chris:You've got to imagine the woman's entire body like disconnects and like folds open like the frog we're like nine people in the room.
Tony:Yeah, I swear to god, I did not have a bunch dude for real.
Chris:They asked her. She's like do you mind if we have a bunch of the students come in from the medical college? They're here, uh, they just sit in the background, they'll be writing notes. They might ask some questions of the doctor katie's like yeah, bring them in she was like literally 14 people, yeah, in the background, plus the four or five doing the job so you see, here how the head's crowning the doctor's pointing so out of the vagina jay, yeah, so when my wife was about to have our first kid, we're sitting in the hospital bed.
Tony:She shit all over. No, she didn't. Actually I was really disappointed about it, like I heard it was going to happen and it didn't. There with this little flip camera and she was in labor for like three days and I was like going to get her mexican food and all kinds of stuff are you seriously about the three days?
Chris:yeah, it's gonna be dude, I'm like oh, I'm like girl.
Tony:Eat all your beans and rice. Eat all the beans and rice. Just just eat it up because the hospital food, you don't know what you're gonna get later I brought her chili, I brought her all my god, all the triggers and fucking nothing, not even a little squirt, not even a fart. But uh, when she was just sitting there waiting and she was whatever I don't know medical terms, but dil dilated at two, sure yeah.
Tony:Yeah whatever, and the nurse runs up and just you know, all fucking cold as ice, no candles, nothing, just jams two fingers right up there.
Chris:Let's see what's going on in there.
Tony:She's like his head's right there, so are you watching this. Yeah, no, I was in the room You're watching the fingers.
Jay:You're watching the fingers. You're watching the vagina.
Tony:Yeah, vagina, and she went at a different angle than I normally go in, so I changed my game completely.
Chris:You want to give her that child birthing type of orgasm.
Tony:I'm like hold on Fingertips up. Damn dude. I was going fingertips down all these years, no wonder.
Jay:And you use your thumb to find the beginning point.
Tony:Yeah, I told the nurse. I'm like put your thumb in her ass. She's like sad.
Chris:Just rub it along a little bit and then bloop.
Tony:But the nurse is like oh, oh, his little head's right there and I just it was the weirdest thing I've ever had to ask somebody. But I'm like I said to the nurse, I go do you? Think I do you think I could touch his head?
Jay:oh god you didn't.
Tony:Uh, you're a fucking liar. And uh, she goes. Actually that's more of a question for your wife than it is for me and my wife goes. I don't fucking care. So I tell chase, all the time I got to play with his hair before he was born, it's pretty legit, okay.
Chris:Uh, I was pretty sure the doctor was like trying to pull this head out, like, like you imagine, uh, yeah, like your chiropractor taking a hike, like behind a quarterback, being the quarterback taking a hike, and he's he's rubbing around underneath there and he's like I swear he licked his hand a little bit to get it.
Tony:Put it back in there to like. Sometimes that's all it needs. I swear like a Drew.
Chris:Brees lick like he licks his hands every 20 seconds ready for the kid to come out, bluetooth and he just went in there and he went. Oh yeah, and the people that came in, this is the best. She's okay with me saying this story. I'm pretty sure the people in the back.
Tony:She's not here.
Chris:They, as Claire was coming out, squirt a little bit of the fluids come squirting out and literally the people had to dodge out of the way. It went right over the doctor, right into the row of people in the back.
Jay:Oh, we're used to this, Right into the row of people in the back. Oh, we're used to this, we're great Dodgers.
Tony:Fluids coming out of vaginas. Everybody in the room had on fucking ponchos like a Gallagher show, yeah.
Jay:You all want to watch me smash them, so I have the most kids out of all of you, okay.
Tony:True, you actually have as many kids as both of us combined. Great, math.
Jay:I want to see this math.
Chris:Up to three.
Jay:Beautiful and all of our, my kids, were cesarean, cesarean C-sections, and I never even looked at that. No way, I don't know, can't, couldn't. I never even looked at that. No way, I don't know, can't, couldn't. The doctor even asked me every time I'm behind. Actually, the first time I wasn't there because it was an emergency. I didn't even get to the hospital in time. The other two was planned and or I was ready for I mean they put me in a hazmat suit.
Tony:I mean they called you and you're like I'm not leaving Qdoba for this shit.
Chris:I'm mid burrito right now. You expect me to leave this queso with no chop.
Jay:You want my barbacoa to get cold I have to manage this store right now what do you want me to do?
Tony:I didn't even take into consideration that you were working. I, just, like you, were just sitting in the qdoba eating.
Jay:Oh, got gotcha. Yeah, you know I don't eat at a Qdoba, but yeah, sure, Okay, you can think that. So I got in the. They put you in a hazmat suit, like literally head to toe, so you don't get germs in there, and it's fucking freezing and cold. And then they do it quickly Jason, they're clipping his nails.
Tony:What.
Chris:Well, if you want them to take a long time, it's like an oil change open the cap, let the fucking oil out, fill it up and shut it.
Jay:The fuck up. Pretty sure, yeah, I mean, at this point, at the third one, I was, I was ready to go. I knew exactly what they're doing. I'm like, okay, he's gonna grab, grab the scalpel. Next part the next nurse is gonna come and she's gonna get some gauze ready to, you know, for the blood, getting everything ready. The one's gonna take the freaking thing that opens them up, stretches it out, and I know it's not even looking. I just know their next tool they're going to grab, since I've been through it so many times but again, I still have not looked and I will not look, I never would look, and I'm not even curious to find out how it happens so you know when, when a woman has a baby, naturally I think that would be worse from the vagina if the father chooses to show up to the birth, which apparently is not a super common thing.
Tony:Uh, I was told by my doctor that probably 80 of women have their children with just their mother in the room well, I mean, nowadays guys are pussies, right but the first thing they do is they hand you a scissors and they tell you to cut the umbilical cord.
Jay:Yeah, I didn't want to, I didn't do that he bites it like the cone heads.
Tony:So there there was a whole big ordeal with my childbirth and I was a little bit bitter, so I refuse to do it from a financial standpoint but, I'll get in that in a second. But like when you have a c-section and the father's there, do they ask you? Yes, like yeah, they asked that. They asked every time. Do you want to grab the scalpel?
Jay:make the first cut nothing like that, not that you want to get in there I thought you meant the bilko card part. Yes, they have that shit. Hold the skin flap, oh God. No, they do ask would you like to come over? We have a spot for you, Perfectly bright. See everything. No, go behind her head.
Tony:Just keep the curtain up. Keep the curtain up, don't fuck with me. Here's the deal with uh, with my childbirth and I basically, I basically did all the work, like when you're giving, when my child was born you're gonna tell me the story of your experience when you were born. So I I worked in the union and I had this amazing insurance right. It was like every time you went to the doctor they cut you a check back. The insurance is so good.
Chris:I'm about to get paid. Thanks for coming in, sir. Here's your payment for the weekend.
Jay:And Tony sneezes at work. He's like, oh shit guys.
Chris:I got to go to the doctor. Tony sneezes at work.
Jay:He's like oh shit guys. I got to go to the doctor but I got to make an appointment for today. They usually get me in if I get within two hours, but you know we tried having a kid for like 10 years with no luck. Well, you got to put it in the vagina instead of the butt.
Chris:Yeah, he's got more than us.
Tony:He knows. Yeah, I mean Michelle was pretty naive when I met her and she thought she could get pregnant from blowjobs. So when we were trying real hard, I was getting tons of head.
Jay:Get over here, it's like she's got to not be on top. It's gravity.
Tony:But we tried having a kid for a long time and it didn't happen and I quit that job to start my own business oh yeah, I thought you quit it because you couldn't get her pregnant when you're a new job, when you're self-employed, your insurance is fucking crazy. Yeah, like it's, it's, it doesn't you don't I did.
Jay:It's like I didn't insure myself for like a decade risk on plan out of pocket no, we just gone.
Tony:We were paying like 1400 a month for like 20 of coverage why wouldn't you just?
Chris:I still have a soreness in my wrist from a fucking thing I didn't get fixed when I busted my shit. I did a fucking math in my head.
Tony:And the worst part about it is when you are self-employed and you are on a single plan, meaning not in a large group you don't get things like I care or OB care, it's not in the cards. Yep, what's OB? Oh boy, the vagina care Oof Did you not hear? Dental care is never on any plan even on the union Union gives you dental care. At the union it was Full, Yep. I haven't paid Up to $3, thousand dollars a year which basically covered a cleaning. I remember when I had insurance.
Jay:I had insurance a long time ago and I remember, like at cutoba, they would only, they would only pay for pulling a tooth.
Tony:Cutoba's insurance plan we only cover collestional related items.
Chris:They find a dentist that accepts gift cards.
Jay:Dude I used to fucking barter Dink dink dink that's 350s right there.
Chris:I used to barter that shit.
Jay:That isn't funny. I used to barter all the time with everyone I knew with Qdoba free burrito cards.
Chris:You had the ones that were like 49 cents left for the guys. Like you can keep it.
Jay:They were a legit paper card that said free burrito on them. It wasn't a pre-filled card or whatever.
Tony:Yes, dude, I used to barter all the time that made me cry a little, Chris.
Jay:But the truth is I did that everywhere. But uh, no, I was gonna say, before you get finish your shit, that's what made me remember it is. I chipped my tooth on like a bone in the meat from one of the tacos I was eating. So you filed workman's comp, so that's why I? Had to. I had to pull my fucking tooth out instead of trying to fix the bitch and they're like that's the only thing that's covered. If it's pulled, it's covered. If it's not, do you do something more and fuck no yeah.
Tony:So this fucking I quit, I go out on my own, we get the super shitty overpriced insurance and, uh, she gets pregnant like almost immediately.
Chris:So it's how it's always been my train of thought that women always fuck everything up.
Jay:It was it was insurance's problem that they didn't get pregnant.
Tony:If you're trying to get pregnant, all you have to do is lose your job. Stop trying. You have no insurance. Stop trying.
Jay:So Well, you gotta have sex more than once a month too. So we Not true.
Tony:We ended up having to bargain shop hospitals, so we had to call them and negotiate like all-inclusive deals to have a baby there, yeah, so we end up all inclusive Like uh, well, yeah they, they like you pay you pay a set amount. Yeah. So the thing is is you don't want to go in and have a baby and they say well, you're going to pay $1,800 a day for the room You're going to pay, you know $ a day for the room you're gonna pay.
Chris:You know, four hundred dollars a hour for your nursing. Yeah, and when you have my wife's insurance, it does. When you have those insurance we had, it doesn't fucking matter it doesn't matter.
Tony:It doesn't matter, what we do, but for us it does. It mattered a lot like I ain't staying here for fucking four days so when I was in the union, we built this beautiful facility called the aurora women's pavilion, and I'm sure you guys had all your children at that place.
Jay:No, no, I knew that you built it. I didn't bring my family. Look at the fucking tile shoddy construction work. I didn't want to fall through any floors or anything but you know they, they were fucking wonderful man.
Tony:They had uh, their big thing was that they were giving uh like steak and lobster dinners the day before. Once you have the kid, you get this steak and lobster dinner. They had a whirlpool right in the room.
Jay:No fucking hospital has lobsters on hand.
Chris:The women's pavilion at Aurora does.
Jay:So we called them. Do they go to the closest Sendix and get it? How the fuck do they have lobsters on hand?
Tony:They literally have a bus that drives back and forth from West Allis, wisconsin, to Maine.
Chris:They built a fucking ocean in the back area.
Jay:Cultivated Wait, did you know? There's lobsters in Lake Michigan and they're right next to Lake Michigan.
Tony:It's just a big crayfish yeah.
Jay:Crawfish.
Tony:Crayfish, crawfish Cray Is it cray? It's craw if you're in Louisiana, but it's crayfish if you live here.
Jay:Is it a crayfish here, but a crawfish in Louisiana? Is that what you just said? Yep, okay, just making sure.
Tony:But we call them, my wife's like it's non-negotiable. My wife's like it's non-negotiable, we're having our child at the women's pavilion. So we call them and they say it's going to be like eighteen thousand dollars for the you can have your baby here package. But they're like if you're poor and you're on state insurance it's free. Oh yeah, like you can be here for fucking two weeks, it doesn't matter and they actually give you money too.
Jay:They just hand you a hundred dollars. Your check on the way out give cards on the way out here.
Chris:This ought to cover your deductible here. This will cover your future dental costs here.
Jay:Do you need a couple thousand dollars for groceries in the way here?
Tony:you go. So we start calling other hospitals. We call st luke's and they're like oh, it's 11 000 advocate here and we start calling. And we start calling and we get down to the fucking hood saint francis in milwaukee that's where I was born.
Tony:That's where I was born and my wife was born there and my first child because they said all inclusive vip 250 bucks. Have your baby here, package seven g's and we're like done. And they told us here's the deal when you come in to have this baby, we need a cashier's check when you walk through the door on this package deal. There's no, we're gonna bill you when you leave. This is a pay up front situation and kind of like um, like a, like a veterinarian no fucking bullshit.
Tony:So we had to put our name on a list that we were going to have our baby there when she went into labor. I had to drive her 45 minutes to get back down to the hood where I was born. We take her in and at registration they say do you got that check? It was a big fucking deal. So I gave him my check. They took us up to our fucking cinder block room, had your baby and uh, I think, she was there for fucking five days.
Tony:three days, Well, three days because she was in labor.
Jay:That's insane man. It usually takes like two days after they give birth, doesn't it yeah?
Tony:And we get up to the room and it's just a fucking you know, they bought them at St Luke's garage sale, fucking pads and shit like that. And then I'm like like there's like a folding chair in the room and I'm like where am I gonna sleep? And they said dads don't usually stay here, folding chair. They're like we're gonna have to go down to the basement and find you a cot yeah, what package did you get when you first signed up?
Jay:the no dads allowed pretty much. They said it was their vip package, but I think they skimped a little bit in a couple.
Tony:When you first signed up the no dads allowed Pretty much. They said it was their VIP package, but I think they skimped a little bit in a couple spots. Extra $1,000 for the dad to stay over and the fucking doctor who they called in to deliver this baby, who was not my wife's doctor, was so fucking pissed that she had to come in on her off day to deliver this baby I think she was more mad that it took three days for that baby to come out and I know it had something to do.
Tony:When she found out we were on a prepaid package deal, she's like I'm not even getting my full money there's no action. There's no action, no complication action they had to give her a check at the nurse's station for coming in. Everything in that place is cash up. Pay me first, so when you ever so when they asked me to cut the umbilical cord, I said absolutely not. I paid for full service.
Jay:Yeah you told the washer baby that's a true story.
Tony:My wife will verify it because she's still a little pissed about it. It's only been 11 years I.
Chris:I didn't want to do it. I had no interest. No, I didn't do it. Like do you want to bite through this umbilical cord, sir?
Jay:No, I didn't do it. I mean, where do you cut? They don't tell you yeah, they do. They put long string fucking bloody. So what they do is they put alien tentacles coming out.
Tony:They put two. I only know them as roach clips pinchers. They're actually called hemostats he hemostat something. Well, you know, we don't know they pinch it and they leave about an inch in the middle and they tell you to cut in between the two things.
Jay:And I'm like it doesn't spray out at you.
Tony:I'm like I think I'm good. I'm like I paid for full service, like I don't pay for a full service car wash and then wash my own windows the dudes fucking do it.
Jay:I get it. No, I get it. I would be the same way. I'd be like you cut it. I'm just, I'm relaxing here with the coke.
Tony:Okay, I'm just I'll take her steak I'll take her steak and lobster dinner and, uh, you guys can do this fucking heavy leg work.
Chris:I'm gonna go microwave up the rest of yuck.
Jay:Yeah right, tony has nothing left over usually, and then and then this is how fucking retarded I am.
Tony:Uh, both my brothers were going through their own super like bad times in their life. It was like the day my son was born was both my brother's worst day of their lives. Oh boy, for completely different reasons really and after the kid was born, uh, they were both like super mopey and they were like uh, I think we're gonna go see a movie. It was like 9 30 at night on.
Jay:Uh, you're talking about them, you asking them to come to the hospitals to see the baby.
Tony:I would rather watch they were at the hospital oh okay and uh, when they were leaving, uh, my young, my youngest brother said to the middle brother is like, yeah, you want to go see this movie. And my brother's like sure, I don't got shit to do. So they were leaving to go see a movie when my kid was like 14 minutes old. And uh, they were like you want to come? And I'm like yeah, sure, and I go out by my wife, who's apparently I mean, I don't know to this day if it was real or not, but apparently in pain, holding this brand new baby, and I like, hey, I'm gonna go, joe and rick and go see this movie. And she like she didn't. It was a one time where she didn't even have to say anything. I felt her look, I wasn't even, I wasn't even looking at her and I felt it.
Jay:I mean totally.
Chris:And.
Tony:I just said, is this a bad idea? And she goes. I don't know that there's ever been a worse idea. And I looked at my brothers and I'm like yo, I think I'm going to pass on this movie.
Jay:I think it's funny you even contemplating it. But it's dude, I didn't even think. I didn't even think about it you're thinking about.
Tony:I was just like oh shit, I'm gonna go hang with my brothers for a while.
Chris:Baby things done now for like a week my wife wore these panties that she could fill with ice cubes like a fucking cradle in between her crotch, because she was all fucking done for business I don't remember the first time the doors reopened on that thing oh, you didn't.
Tony:You didn't tell the doctor, hey, throw an extra stitch in there for me an extra stitch in there for me.
Jay:My, my wife was on uh bed rest with the second child and we could not have sex for the whole fucking time.
Chris:No, baby sex which is fine because I kind of feel weird about that I saw a tiktok where the girls just slipped the doctor a 50 and then the doctor tells the husbands that they can't bang their wife for the next six months well, when you're coming to the end and the baby's not coming out, they say for the, the couple to have sex for, to induce pregnancy or so what do you do? Where do you put the penis when you have sex, jay? All right, let's close it up.
Tony:That was when it got. When it got late in the pregnancy, it was really really difficult for me to want to have sex.
Jay:Yeah, that's so.
Tony:I'm like I don't want my dick, like folding around my kid's head, to get in and out like not a fucking chance.
Chris:I think we should call this one. This is Mark the Tape. Top shelf story, sex episode. How many?
Tony:times a week?
Chris:How many times a?
Tony:month? No, just name it safe for work and then dilated add two, and what happens after you have sex?
Jay:Get a baby.
Chris:Gift card dental. Tony loves that that was fucking great. I paid for full service. Thanks for watching or listening or whatever the fuck.
Jay:Remember to subscribe Top shelf stories. Leave a comment below. Whatever you're fucking listening on, I don't know where, but see you again.
Tony:Leave a comment. Shut up, tony Fuck. Don't know where, but see you again. Leave a comment.
Jay:Shut up, tony Fuck you, you, dick, ed Peace, we'll be right back.
