Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Turning Hotel Showers into Comedy and Ethical Dilemmas
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Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony. Hey guys, hey guys. Another week, another podcast. How you doing today? What's up, dude? Doing good, doing good, good enough, or just good, doing great, doing great. We're really excited to hear you, uh, start a podcast without stumbling over your words. That was pretty good. That's probably that's why I was in shock. That's why it took me a second to respond.
Speaker 2Well, I looked at Tony and his hair's messed up, which is not normal, and then I feel like he's going to say something bad about me, but he didn't.
Speaker 3So I think he's thinking it, though I was happy I didn't have to yell hit me again.
Speaker 2All right. So I got a story for you guys and this story, not many people have heard it and I really didn't want to tell you.
Speaker 3I never told you. How about you quit pussyfooting around it and just start telling the damn story?
Speaker 1If I'll tell you, if there's any help or any assistance. Nobody listens to this podcast either, so still nobody will hear it.
Speaker 2Come on, man, you've got to divide that 50 by four hey, this is my pitch.
Speaker 1If no one's out there leaving reviews on all of the different podcast sites and subscribing to us and hitting the bell, then how do we know you're actually listening? So go out and do that. If you are listening, prove you exist.
Speaker 3Yeah, do something internet related to show us.
Speaker 1Yeah, You're all everyone's cataloged by their internet presence. You have no actual presence.
Speaker 2I think we'd never call to action. And then, when I try to, you guys make fun of me for it.
Speaker 1That was a call to action. Just now I know that you got to work them in.
Speaker 2When I do it, I guess I just do it retardedly, oh shit.
Speaker 1That's fine.
Speaker 2All right. So, like I said, I don't know why I've never told you this story. I don't know if I'm embarrassed about it or not, but I'm just going to go ahead and tell you now.
Speaker 3anyway, I about it or not, but I'm just going to go ahead and tell you now anyway. I mean, not many people know One could be more embarrassed than a bloody asshole. Episode one Right, that's true.
Speaker 2Not many people know this. Okay, so let me kind of break this down into a. Let me try my best to make this a good story.
Speaker 1Are we going to have to put a parental advisory sticker on this story?
Speaker 2Oh, there's a parental advisory sticker for everything for our podcast. Before you even click on it, it's explicit you cannot listen to this podcast unless you're above 21.
Speaker 3This isn't the story about that time you raped that hooker is it. Shut up, just wondering. It's one of my favorites. It's one of my favorites.
Speaker 2So I got commissioned I guess you could say to do work at a hotel in Madison. I am a. If you don't know, I'm a tile installer. Been doing it for 20 years. I can do anything with tile.
Speaker 3Install it properly.
Speaker 1Funny. What is it Ixpa? What is there? Tile association, nes and c and ncaa.
Speaker 2What the fuck is? It n t c? A c a. I knew there was a. I knew a and c was there, but I forgot the t. So I I was uh, I was hired to replace and redo all the niches in the showers.
Speaker 1The person that installed the first niche is Hold on Time out For all of us at home Not necessarily me, of course. Okay, mine.
Speaker 2Why don't you explain what a?
Speaker 1niche is.
Speaker 2In French they call it a niche, but in America Well let him call, let him call All my Serbian friends.
Speaker 3call it a niche.
Speaker 2I don't know why I just I like my niche.
Speaker 3I'm gonna call it a fucking niche normal people would call it a place where you put your bottles of shampoo. How do you spell it? N-i-c-h-e?
Speaker 1so yeah, and it's the little piece of metal thing that hangs over the shower in your shower.
Speaker 2so a niche is a little different. It's inset piece of metal thing that hangs over the shower head, your shower. So a niche is a little different. It's inset, that's an Audi.
Speaker 3We're talking innies.
Speaker 1I'm wage raiding myself. Here I'm showing everyone how poor I am. It's inset. I don't have a niche. I got an outie Audi.
Speaker 3An outie. Yeah, the little wire basket you take to the ymca when you need to shower.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's inset in the shower so you don't have to deal with hitting your head on a corner shelf or somewhat or something most people would be scraping their belly but, we shut up, god damn it. You just wait for things like this to happen, to just make fucking chuckles at me. Yeah, I was, I was.
Speaker 3So well, for fuck's sake, jay, who puts an inset wall in the where you would hit your head Like if a kid took a shower if a kid took a shower, they wouldn't be able to reach the salt You'd have to put in some wall climbing.
Speaker 2That's kind of funny. Yes, well, you know it's crazy, is they you? We? We make um, inset uh foot for your to put your foot to shave your leg so you don't have to bend over and you can kind of lift your leg up so, yeah, the most useless add-on I know right currently, but that's what I'm thinking like a mountain climbing thing that he's talking about, you could actually do that you put your foot in the wall, yeah so I mean that's pretty useful, so you don't kind of bend down all the way over.
Speaker 1Yeah, I think I want to have you guys in to put in a niche for my rock climbing, one like that or a a longer basket, A longer basket yeah, okay.
Speaker 2So there is 150 of these in a hotel that are done wrong. They put in the wrong metal and this metal is not waterproof, I don't know, or whatever it is, they rust. It had a bad finish. Yeah, the finish was wrong, so I had to take all these out and redo them 150 of them so they gave me a year to do these.
Speaker 1That's one every other day.
Speaker 2First off, I got to drive to Madison, which Madison is. They don't care about that, I know, but it's like almost two hours away from me. What are you?
Speaker 3Get a car that's operating. What are you riding? A bicycle Two hours.
Speaker 1He's got to charge his power wheels on the way. You know how long those things can start.
Speaker 3It's a 47 minute ride. Max Shut the fuck up, man.
Speaker 1It was Okay. It depends on where in Madison. Well, there's three stops at Quick Trip. Where do you think it stretches?
Speaker 3to the Dells. Yeah, the Dells is an hour and 40. All right, fine, I miss.
Speaker 1Madison's a pretty big city. It goes all the way north to the Dells, west out to what?
Speaker 3All the way to the Mississippi River.
Speaker 2No one understands what you guys are talking about or making fun of, because they don't live here.
Speaker 3So shut the fuck up All right Everything outside of Milwaukee County is Madison adjacent it's like an hour away.
Speaker 1According to the download statistics, most people do know where Madison, wisconsin, is. Who are listening All?
Speaker 2right, fine, it's like an hour and 20. I just round up all the time.
Speaker 3That's why I do it. I'll give you an hour and 20.
Hotel Niche Replacement Fiasco
Speaker 2Yeah, it is, and then if you're driving there and back it's almost three hours. Okay, so got to replace all these niches in this hotel and give me a timeline within a year. So I do. I planned out a series of doing six to eight a day on my trips there and for some reason they always made it so difficult for me. I mean, there was four levels. I had to do two on the first, three on the fourth, so they made it just like not easy. They didn't put everything in a one level.
Speaker 3Well, yeah, because when somebody's paying $150 a night or whatever to stay at this motel, they don't want a little tile man knocking at their door, saying hey, your shower's going to be out of commission for the next six hours, no right. They'll wait until the rooms were empty.
Speaker 2No, I'm going to be like they'll send me in a room with someone in there. I'm like, don't worry about me, I'm only going to make a little bit of noise. I'll be out in two hours. I completely replaced the niche and I'm like, hey, you can have take a shower for the next day, so All right.
Speaker 3So can I ask you a question and I don't know if this is a little too inside baseball for our audience, but so so these L channels that you're replacing that were defective, so one lip is exposed, replacing that were defective, so one lip is exposed. You get to see that lip from anywhere in the bathroom, but the other lip is underneath the tile. So when you say you have to replace these niches, are you popping the four tiles have to around the inside, scraping those off and reusing those same four tile, or do you have to cut four new tile for usually one?
Speaker 2yeah, I usually had to cut four new ones because they would break. I couldn't get them out without breaking. But if I could get them without breaking, those motherfuckers are going right back in. Oh, absolutely, and I would do it where I I got so good at it where I could take those apart and save maybe two of them and then never have to replace the back tile. So there's a back tile to the back of the niche. Chris and I could do it where I never broke that tile and that I thought was pretty amazing.
Speaker 2And every one of these niches were made or were constructed and done differently. They were all different sizes, all smaller, bigger. I'd open some of these niches and they would have tiles stacked on tiles stacked on tile just to get somewhat of a square look. It was so fucked up. But this is commercial, so I knew what I was getting involved with. So I charged $150 each. I could get six to eight done in a day, so it was worth it, absolutely. I didn't have to pay for materials, I don't need to pay for gas.
Speaker 1So you were paid per each, but they gave you a year.
Speaker 2Well, they just said they needed this done within this time frame and was like around a year, would they?
Speaker 1have let you do like 20 in a two, three day process.
Speaker 2Yeah, no, no, I would go in there for a week.
Speaker 1So my question is if you're going there and the room can't be used by the hotel because you're doing tile work, why didn't you just stay there for like a week and do them all and you got a year's worth of work and pay done in a week?
Speaker 2My wife wouldn't let me. I'm just kidding. Yeah, let's be serious here.
Speaker 3He's not kidding, that doesn't sound like her at all. No, you know what?
Speaker 1Because I would have cohorted that into a free hotel stay, I would have been like you guys aren't using this room.
Speaker 2No, that would be perfect for me. But again, this was a busy area in Madison and they definitely did not have more than a certain amount of rooms available a day for me to do. So I could never do more than a certain amount in a week, I thought. I think I got like 30 a week. If that, if I got lucky and even my brother worked on someone with me, it was kind of fun.
Speaker 2So I am, I'm getting in the middle of like I'm at like I don't know 60 or 70, and I'm blowing through these things Like they're nothing. I'm getting in the middle of like I'm at like I don't know 60 or 70, and I'm blowing through these things Like they're nothing. I'm starting to do almost 10 a day and it's like just getting like like waking up in the morning and brushing your teeth kind of routine. It's so mundane for me, I can just do it. It was so boring but so great to have all that money. And then things started to get kind of weird in Madison. I don't know if it was me Um, I know Madison's a little bit of a different place and I would never fucking live there. I was offered a job there, a of money twice as much as I make and I mean I'd have to move there and I said no.
Speaker 1So I I do not like madison I'm sorry if you said no, my wife will I'm sorry if you're listening madison I hate madison.
Speaker 3They said here's a job offer. You gotta move to mad. Your wife can't come. What do you do? I mean I take the money. No comment, I didn't, I didn't. Yeah, I mean, let somebody tell me Jay's wife can't move in with me in Madison. Be like, that's fine. Can I bring my?
Speaker 2wife. So things start to get kind of weird. First off, I start getting like almost like you know in the family, where you do something and everybody finds out the next day, kind of like storytelling and things you can't just do without everyone knowing. And a group of people that you are, you know, like your family, just doing something like, say, chris, you, I don't know you crashed your car. Everybody in your family will know within a day. Okay, I get what you're saying. That's what I'm trying to say. So there, it's like I mean, this hotel is big so there's a lot of people that work there. So everybody I don't remember what it was, but I said something and it offended somebody. I'm not going to say what it is or what it was, but everybody you immediately got labeled as transphobic.
Speaker 2Everybody for one whole week was not very nice to me and basically I got blacklisted. A little bit um another, and this is probably the the reason why I'm actually even telling you the story. This is the biggest thing and the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me.
Speaker 3I've worked in millions, millions I've worked in over one million residences billion I've worked in many houses, many, uh um many.
Speaker 1I've met tons of fucking people I don't think this story is gonna land unless you tell us what was said. Fine, or what you think you said.
Speaker 2No, no that I'm just telling you telling you offended one of the workers.
Speaker 2I'm not. I'm gone past that. This is the better part of the story. This is the actual reason why I wanted to tell you the story, okay? So, uh, there's this week where I had they gave me a little bit more than I usually get. So I was fucking fucking from Monday to Friday. I was doing 10 a day and I was fucking up and down every, every um, every level I was, I was running up and downstairs. I mean, I was really hustling to get things done cause I had a lot of them to do and I don't know if it caught this, okay, so I'll just tell you what happened I'm walking down the hallway waiting for for almost 18 minutes 15 and a half dickhead.
Speaker 2I'm walking down the hallway like I normally do. I got my uh, my schluters measured and ready to cut, and then I get halfway down the hall, right before the door, to walk out into the hallway to cut them, and this woman stops me and she says, hey, uh, can you uh help me out with something in the room, and I I was kind of was this a guest or the?
Speaker 1Yeah, it was someone in the.
Speaker 2Someone that was staying in one of the rooms. She had like a, a suit coat on, so she looked like she was a business chick or something.
Speaker 3But it's Madison. So you went in her room and she showed you her dick.
Speaker 1I can't get my balls out of my zipper.
Speaker 3How'd you get the Frank and beans?
Speaker 2How'd you get the Frank and beans? No, how'd you get the Frank and both the beans. Why'd you pull the zipper all the way to the top? All right, so, she asked me to come look at this and I'm thinking I don't work here, but you're like, fuck it. Yeah, I was just kind of like okay, I'm kind of curious.
Speaker 3Like when somebody at Home Depot asks you where the Look at Tony's hyperventilator. Do it, say it. Where's the furnace filters? I don't. You know what. It's easier if I just show you.
Speaker 2Kind of that. Yeah, she comes in. She's like come in the room. I got to Whatever. I walk in her room and she's asking about the light flickering and I'm like I don't work here. Well, I mean, I'm working here, but I don't work here. I'm just like repairing tile in rooms, like I don't know what. Well, she's you know what. I've seen you going up and down, walking all around doing all this stuff, carrying things, and you've been here for days. I'm like I know, because I'm fixing things in the showers that were done wrong by idiots.
Speaker 3Well, so, first off, a hotel guest doesn't need to know anything beyond. I'm a contractor here. Okay, fine, I was going to say that and you as the contractor should never have walked into a guest's room, invited or not, okay, definitely, if you weren't invited you should have gone in, but invited, that's still a sketchy decision I didn't walk in a fucking room and lay in the bed and say what's wrong?
Speaker 2what do you need to?
Speaker 3happen. You just walked in and started taking your clothes off. I'm at the front door doing this or what.
Speaker 2I'm at the front door by the deadbolt saying what's the problem? I didn't go in there and be like I've been like oh yeah, girl, I've seen movies like this.
Speaker 1All right, all right, all right, let's do it. Yeah, I got some tile being set in there.
Speaker 2Let me check out your shower so this was toward the end of the day. So I this is, this is kind of where I was cleaning up. I mean, niche, your schloosters, I was, I was cleaning up everything, so I was ready to go. It was, I don't know, 5, 6, 30, and I mean that three hour ride home.
Speaker 3I'll get a good home until 10 yeah, you might as well take a businesswoman to pound town and the whole town real quick so she's like well, what do you?
Speaker 2all right? She's like, well, well, uh, what room you stayed in? What do you, what do in? What are you doing after you're done working? I'm like I live in fucking New Berlin I don't even live in Madison and I'm not staying here and I'm actually cleaning up. I'm about to leave and she's like really Well, that's just Well, are you going to be here tomorrow? I'm like no, I'm actually finishing up my job for the week and I'll probably. I don't know, I don't think I'll ever be back. Because I didn't want to say anything, because I'm kind of getting weirded out. I mean, this woman, she wasn't overweight, she just was big.
Speaker 1I want to know how the blacklisting filled into this story. What's blacklisting? I'm still stuck on why people don't like it. I'll tell you that later.
Hotel Encounter With Unexpected Offer
Speaker 2Let me finish this because I'm already in the middle of it. Now forget it if I don't fucking finish it. So and like she's okay, she's like Tony's size and I'm like I'm kind of a little nervous, she might overpower me.
Speaker 3She could definitely beat your ass.
Speaker 2Well, I don't know, I mean I'm kind of quick and I got a switchblade inside of my pocket and a tape measure which they hurt if you slap something with those things. Man, they're metal and they're sharp, anyway. So she's like, well, you can't just leave. You've been working so hard and you're just gonna just go home and not do anything. I'm like, yeah, that's uh, yeah, I, I'm. I'm kind of like I don't even know what to say or do. I'm kind of like in shock, like literally when me this woman was hitting on you.
Speaker 1How are you not seeing it?
Speaker 3I know that that's why I was kind of like she'd not see your air freshener when you pulled up. The pineapple Tony you got to explain inside jokes to people. Jay's wife printed them up like 1,800 air fresheners of a picture of her face, and it's actually been mandated that they are in his car at all times.
Speaker 2Well, I actually did Funny. You say that I did actually put a new one today in there, because the last one was starting to smell like towel dust. So we're coming to the end of the story here, guys, so just bear with me, all right.
Speaker 3So at what point does she say have you ever gotten had from a man? You know, I'm just general, this is madison we're talking about so this is the best.
Speaker 2This is the best part. This is what I wanted to tell you guys. So she's like well, if you change your mind or if you decide with the next, you know when you're done cleaning up, if you want to hang out, I got some, we can play some games or, you know, just have some fun. She goes back into her room. She comes out with a stack of $100 bills and I was like wait a second, what do you mean? Games, what kind of games are you playing and what?
Speaker 3do I get guess what gender I was born? Was that the game?
Speaker 2so I now I'm like what the fuck is going on? Am I being? Is this? Am I on TV?
Speaker 3no, this is catfish what the what's going on? She was hired by the hotel to bust the skeezy tile set.
Speaker 1Maybe that's what that was? No, for real, not at all. She was a lonely woman on a business trip whose husband was 15,000 miles away, or whatever.
Speaker 2Why would you want a sweaty short jabbering leprechaun?
Speaker 1because then she didn't have to spend 40 drinking a bottle and a half of wine at the hotel lobby to strike out.
Speaker 3You were there, bro well, yeah, and I mean, how could you blame her? You're walking around in a half shirt and little tight fucking gym shorts Bottom of your butt.
Speaker 2How old is this?
Speaker 3woman.
Speaker 2If I had to guess, I'd say mid fifties, early fifties, early to mid. Oh, sorry about that. No, that's the wrong one.
Speaker 3So and again, I was just looking at the money, thinking dude, oh my god, that's more than I made on niches today. So what did?
Speaker 1you say to her jack I?
Speaker 2I kind of fumbled through my words. I didn't like, I don't even know if I even said anything to her. Did she grab the money from the room?
Speaker 1she went back in the room. I'll be right back. She said or hold on, be right back.
Speaker 2She said or hold on a second, not really, she just implied the conversation was still continuing. She's continuing the conversation and she kind of walked back in the room like I knew she was coming back. She didn't say hold there, wait there a second, I have something for you. She just kind of okay, I just waited there.
Speaker 1So a stack of $100 bills, I don't know.
Speaker 2it was stacked, it was like folded, or we talked it was like folded in half, and then she starts like going like this with them, like people can't see you so she's rubbing them together sort of like fan out halfway, kind of fanning them out, but not like opening them all up so there could be like singles underneath three, three, one hundred dollar bills, I don't know. But still I got my intention and I was just like I didn't know what to do or what to say and really I did not say anything. I turned and walked away down the hall, I got my shit and I got the hell out of there and I, oh man, I, she didn't, I didn't. She might have said something. I don't know. I had, uh, I had some earbuds in and she, she could have yelled something. I don't know. I was, I was fucking, I was weirded out.
Speaker 1I was fucking weirded out this could have became a story you never told, bro epic, you came out rich.
Speaker 2I told my wife immediately on the ride home. I had to. I could not not tell somebody. Well, because nothing happened. You should have just called me. I didn't know you. Then this is before I knew you could have had the money.
Speaker 1oh, dude, you could only imagine what she wanted to do, dude I. It was. What do you think she wanted to do, dude I? What do you think she wanted to do, like gamble Wrestle? You think she just wanted to be like here's 100. I don't know she could have.
Speaker 2She's like want to play, she wanted to have fun. She showed me money. I don't know.
Speaker 3Where does that consist of? I'm assuming he wanted his salad tossed.
Speaker 1Wait, who's he? Tony's convinced that this. This suit wearing woman Is a man. You guys, silence your fucking phone. That's Tony's, I don't think that was mine.
Speaker 3Why do?
Speaker 1you even let your phones make noise. You losers.
Speaker 2That's a stupid android sound.
Speaker 1Golly. So Jay's out here In Center of the state 15 hours away and he can't.
Speaker 2He's got this lady trying to give him money for sex he doesn't even know how to react maybe she just wanted me to change your light bulb. She was gonna give me some money to do that give me a break. It was flickering those are.
Speaker 1Those are annoying, flickering. Was she holding the switch while it was flickering? Those are annoying. It was flickering. Was she holding the switch while it was flickering?
Speaker 2It sounds like a made-up story I'm going to tell you right now. When I went in there, or went close to there, to see the light bulb, it was not flickering, but it's so. You know what? Whatever.
Speaker 1She didn't have no flickering lights.
Speaker 2Oh man, I was like I was thinking to myself wait a second, I already redid your niche in this room. What else do you?
Speaker 3want me to do. We're going to do a for instance here. No, let's just say for one second that you never married your beautiful wife, you never had those kids. Oh, you were a single, single man. Now I'm assuming by your description of of him he wasn't your cup of tea, he wasn't no, no, he wasn't your thing. He wouldn't be somebody you would bring home to your parents she has.
Speaker 2She had dark short hair.
Speaker 3She just looked butchy, like I thought she was lesbian right, or just becoming a woman, just figuring it out, you know, on his own she had a little stubble on the chin, so all right what's so funny, chris?
Speaker 1all right.
Speaker 3So so you're a single man, same situation you're. You're in your lieutenant dangle shorts for marina, for reno 911, fuck out of.
Speaker 1If you don't know what that is, look it up.
Hotel Room Money Proposition
Speaker 3Frosted Tips. Frosted Tips Lead singer of a very successful local band that has nothing to do with anything at all, and you go to this hotel room. You cross the threshold into this sex dungeon of a hotel room. You cross the threshold into this sex dungeon of a hotel room that this lady's staying in and she presents you with a stack of 10 $100 bills $1,000, that's not that much 15 years ago I made that doing 10 niches.
Speaker 2Actually I made more than that doing yeah, all day running up. 15 years ago I made that doing 10 niches. Actually I made more than that All day Running up and down the stairs, busting your ass.
Speaker 3This is going to take. Less than 10 minutes of your time and one beat of sweat that's all it's going to cost you.
Speaker 2Are you kidding me? This girl is your size. I don't even know. She would have killed me. She would have probably hurt me.
Speaker 3I get the whole picture you're trying to paint. You know the pit bull and the chihuahua we get it.
Speaker 2This was David versus Goliath.
Speaker 3I'm asking Guess who David was. Listen to me, listen to me In this super single J situation. Listen to me in this super single J situation. You're, you're upwards of somewhere between eight and 10 hours from home. There's a thousand dollars being put into your face and she hands you a piece of paper and you at the paper and it's dated for that day and it's a clean bill of health from a medical physician. Negative AIDS, negative herp, negative syphilis Risks. No chlamydia anymore, no risks, okay.
Speaker 1I get your point on that. You're at zero risk. He can't get pregnant. You can't knock him up do you take that money?
Speaker 3do you take that money and blow the back out of that man?
Speaker 2first off, first off.
Speaker 3I think Chris is having a heart attack.
Speaker 2You said blow the back out of that man. What the fuck else is he going to do? Visuals on that are endless. Okay, first off, no, I'm more of a timid person. I'm not a sexual person.
Speaker 1Well, that's what the money's for to get you out of your intimidation.
Speaker 3It's $1,000,. Jay, that's not that much money.
Speaker 2You can't say like give me a 50 in there, like give me a 50-something, okay, it's 1,050.
Speaker 3It's 1,05.
Speaker 1Fifty five every penny he had I think I got a little more of my merch what happened?
Speaker 2are you okay?
Speaker 3was it the sprite? All right, to persuade you. He's willing to go get an extra 300 out of the atm.
Speaker 2Or out of his fucking wallet, because there was more than fucking that in there. It was more than 10 of them, do you?
Speaker 3take that money, tony. There's no AIDS, there's no pregnancy. All right, fine, you're single. This is what I'm going to do. You're in a foreign land, over an hour away from home.
Speaker 1I think the only qualifier. I think the only qualifier that I need. Since Jay can't seem to come up with an answer, I'm going to give you one. Okay, go.
Speaker 2I'm going to kick him in the balls, take his money and run. No, you're not. Why can't I? I'm quick and it's a girl. First off.
Speaker 1I'd have to do a turn and cough to make sure it wasn't a man. If it was not a man and I was single, I'm all over them monies. I'm all over them monies. If this was how long, 20 years ago, no no, 15 years ago.
Speaker 2Okay, maybe I knew you.
Speaker 3I just never told you I'm blowing a load on the back and I'm getting the fuck up out of there.
Speaker 2This was uh, this was 5 no, this is like 10 years on the back and I'm getting the fuck up out of there. This was five. No, this is like ten years.
Speaker 1I can't believe you got propositioned for money, for not even for sex. All you had to do in there is go in there and play slippery slit twister.
Speaker 2She just wanted to play Scrabble. Listen, I was never given any money.
Speaker 1She never looked at me and said hey, you could have this money if you come in here and play Guess who with me, If somebody even today, if tomorrow, even today I had somebody, a woman, come out, or even a guy, I guess, and have money For a thousand.
Speaker 3I guess they have money.
Speaker 1I would thousand bucks, I think my wife would, I would I would run that so close to the line without actually doing anything before I said no, you walked away as soon as she grabbed her purse?
Speaker 2no, I saw the money and it took me a little bit.
Speaker 1But when she started to ask, I just can't believe you didn't find out more Like what do you remember?
Speaker 2All the details of what you said. I was literally. I went blank. Everything turned dark. I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 1I thought I was about to get raped. What kind of party are we talking about, and that doesn't happen, Are there other people coming?
Speaker 2No, I don't know. I mean maybe. Maybe we're going to play dice.
Speaker 3I think the moral of this story is you're stupid for not finding out more. Yeah, dude.
Speaker 2You have to keep pushing. I didn't even know how to find out more, Tony. If I had to find out more, I think something might have happened.
Speaker 1I might have changed two light bulbs. You just have to stay waiting. Oh yeah, man, light bulbs. You just have to stay waiting.
Speaker 3Oh yeah, man, this story could have been epic, like I said it could have became epic.
Speaker 1It could have became a story you never told.
Speaker 3The most epic of all she could have got you in the room and bill cosby'd you that's true too.
Speaker 1It could have turned out real bad.
Speaker 2You could have woke up with a sore ass and broke see, that's another thing I was worried about too. You know how I am about alcohol. I'll drink anything she puts it in front of me. I don't care if it's like blood colored, I'll drink it if I think there's alcohol in there. So yes, cosby is going to come and fucking Cosby me.
Speaker 3I don't even know how to, so are you still dodging my question?
Speaker 1Are. I don't even know how to.
Speaker 3So are you still dodging my question. Are you gonna answer?
Speaker 2you taking the money? No, a single j. No, dude, I'm taking it, I'm gonna take.
Speaker 3No, I know you would have fucked her for free no no single j dude, I don't yep, nope, yep no yeah, if10,000, there's definitely $10,000. You don't think I'm worth?
Speaker 2$10,000,.
Speaker 3Tony.
Speaker 2Come on, how much am I worth? Let's go around the circle right now. How much am I worth?
Speaker 3Just for pure sex. How much do I think a woman would be willing to pay you for?
Speaker 2sex. This is getting weird.
Speaker 3Yeah, how much Less than $200. Yeah, how much Less than 200 bucks. Okay Now, how much are you worth Less than 200 bucks?
Speaker 1How much is Chris worth? Less than 200 bucks.
Speaker 2Nobody's paying to have sex with me, give me a real domination.
Speaker 3Nobody's paying me A denomination. A denomination, I would say, all three of us together could run a train for less than $150.
Speaker 1I think, 50 bucks a man and we'd have to sign a disclosure allowing them to videotape and distribute the material.
Speaker 3You think about how lucky Okay, listen, dude, I can't believe this story. You think about how lucky you are.
Speaker 1Let me tell you another story Just a very short no, that's a different story.
Speaker 2No no no, just really quick, really quick.
Speaker 3This is about the other time I was offered money for sex.
Speaker 2No this wasn't money.
Speaker 3I was at my I was offered Pokemon cards for sex one time.
Speaker 2It's a fucking Charizard man, charizard, I was that's only fucking because I know Pokemon now, because my kids like that shit.
Speaker 3Bro, it was a Gem in 10 Series 2.
Speaker 2No, I was at a bar. This dude asked me to have sex with his wife. He'll tape it.
Speaker 3And I said fuck no, and she was very attractive, very attractive.
Speaker 2That's another story too. I didn't do that. Why would I do it for money? Were you single? Yeah, I was single then. I don't think I was even 21. You fucking loser Dude. I am not going to have another man Videotaping me Having sex with his wife.
Speaker 3That's fucking weird. I can't believe we used to be friends.
Speaker 2I'm not even fucking joking about this. There's five people. Wait a minute, there's five people that can even testify against it, or testify against it For it and say, hey, jay, I probably would have done the same thing. They went with what I said. They might have killed me or took me to Taiwan and made me work for five pennies. Think about how wet your funeral would have been. This man died, or took him to Taiwan and made him work for five pennies an hour.
Speaker 3Think about how lit your funeral would have been. This man died doing what he loved.
Speaker 1Here we have videos of him in his last moments of life. Oh no.
Speaker 3Oh man, that's another episode right there.
Speaker 1Oh, that is Would you let someone you wouldn't let. No, dude, that's fucking crazy man, you would never let someone record you having sex.
Speaker 2Okay, what about with your wife? Yeah, that's fine. Would you hire?
Speaker 1a professional photographer. Let's get Kevin on the line. Yeah, how far does Kevin go? Multiple camera angles.
Speaker 3Kevin, kevin, I need your pendulum, kevin, I need every camera you have?
Speaker 1How low can you get Kev? I need you to do audio and video If you can believe this my wife is even shorter than I am.
Speaker 2Listen to me. Basically this was 20-some years ago, so there were still cameras that could just hold somewhere. He had a fucking, giant fucking television camera that he had to walk around.
Speaker 3No, I'm just saying that's what they had. Then he brought it to the bar on his shoulder.
Speaker 2I'm guessing that's what he had A giant fucking VHS camera that you could barely hold on your shoulder because it's 80 pounds and you're trying to get a zoom in on your dick or vagina and it's just falling off.
Speaker 3Oh man, so heavy. The tripod had to be made out of lumber.
Speaker 2Yeah, or like they had to build another house, so you said this was pre-21.
Speaker 3I was 20.
Speaker 2I was around 20. I know I was under 21.
Speaker 3So were you at a bar illegally or was this at your Jehovah's? Witness church.
Speaker 2I was at my grandfather's bar, which I could get in there when I was 17. Your grandfather set this up for you. No, he was retired then. Alright.
Speaker 3Nothing in that bar is worth banging.
Speaker 1I take it back.
Speaker 3They ask your grandpa first. He's like I'll go talk to my grandkid.
Speaker 2I could give you five hours of stories in that bar. That's just one story, but I'm not going to.
Speaker 1There for another episode, another top shelf story.
Speaker 3Would you take money to have sex? Let us know on the interweb.
Speaker 2Thank you for listening to this episode of Top Shelf Stories Next week. It'll be a doozy. We have no idea what it is, but it'll be there. Thanks for listening. See you later. Oh my God.
Speaker 3That sounds stupid.
Speaker 2Bye.
