Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Imagining Netflix Dramas from Everyday Incidents
From a bizarre roadside encounter to the aftermath of an unfortunate accident, we explore themes of guilt, responsibility, and humor in the face of tragedy. The reflections post-incident lead to laughter and philosophical ponderings we hope resonate with you.
• Introduction of the recording environment and lightheartedness
• A fateful drive home becomes a tale of unexpected consequences
• The emotional unraveling after the animal encounter
• Reflections on personal responsibility and pet ownership
• Exploration of humor amidst challenges and moral dilemmas
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2:What's up, guys? I don't know, but whatever this is, it's going to be good, because you ripped in here and you're like mic's on now, headphones, headphones.
Speaker 3:Actually I waited. Jay, check my mic. Yeah, what's wrong with your?
Speaker 1:mic. It's fine, I just had it off because I was fucking with it. Yeah, you fired into this. You're like well, I'll poop later, let's go. You barrel rolled to the table. He did actually move the table like I had to wait he pulled the table like three inches closer to him too, like everything had to be ready to go well, I haven't had my headphones on in a while and I wanted to put them on this time I noticed you look very different today.
Speaker 3:I haven't seen you in a while what I look fatter, or something you do not right you're wearing.
Speaker 2:You're wearing cream colored pumas rather than your standard red.
Speaker 3:It's not puma, it's adida well, the pants are yeah, oh, you mix branding and my shoes are adida, so I we might as well go around the room.
Speaker 1:I'm wearing a top shelf top shot, top shelf shirt I got, and tony's wearing company branded logo t yep, he looks amazing.
Speaker 3:You actually match with your work pants.
Speaker 1:It's weird, and we're sitting inside of a bunker. There seems to be some type of volcano going above us right now, but that's just the heat that's on, All right.
Speaker 3:so there's something happened last week that I haven't even told my wife about.
Speaker 1:Oh man, this is great. You're going to tell it to all of our listeners.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this is a great place to tell people I don't know and two of my best friends Finally part of the flow club well, the what club. He said you didn't hear what he said before club. You didn't hear what he said before I finally got my period.
Speaker 2:He said oh, that's what the flow was in town.
Speaker 3:I got oh you fucking weirdo. So this happened on a Thursday of last week, so it's very new into my I may be wanted for a crime.
Speaker 1:You're going to tell your crime on the radio too.
Speaker 3:Do it man, it's do it man so it's basically I look at it as vehicular animal slaughter okay so no other personal property or humans were harmed that's all.
Speaker 1:I don't know that's fine for me. You can go to. I don't know that's fine for me.
Speaker 3:You can go to jail for killing an animal? No, you can't.
Speaker 1:I don't believe you can.
Speaker 2:Not with a car, With a gun yes, maybe intention.
Speaker 1:Okay, continue, we'll be the judge and jury at the end of that.
Speaker 2:Please don't tell me you hit a family of bald eagles. Okay, tell me you hit a family of bald eagles, okay. Well, while they were, while they were mating to save the species in the middle of the road, and you're on camera swerving to hit them, they're flying so low.
Speaker 3:They're so big too.
Speaker 2:It was the size of my vehicle they were fucking in midair and I was mesmerized actually shifted my car off to the side of the road because they're so big all right, start from the top.
Speaker 1:I start at start.
Speaker 3:I may have committed start that I may have committed a murder with my vehicle oh, I thought you're gonna say what bobby portis?
Speaker 2:I don't know. That dude just looks like he does murder.
Speaker 1:Crazy eyes Pardis.
Speaker 2:Eyeballs, I think him and Lopez after every game look at each other and say, hey, man, you want to go burn down a?
Speaker 3:building. I think he's going to be gone too. They're trading him, yeah, that's what I heard. He's been playing for a while. So I think this happened. I think it was Thursday last week and it was when I was driving home from work and it was kind of a dark, stormy night. No, I'm kidding, it was like a dark road, so I couldn't really see a lot and there wasn't that much traffic. But as I was driving down the road, all of a sudden the shadow from the trees shot into the street. It was a lot lizard and I usually if if you know, you know when something like goes in this into the street and you feel like you're gonna hit it and you're like you hold your breath or you just kind of like oh my god, you get excited.
Speaker 2:It's just crazy. You get all giddy like the first time you kissed a lady.
Speaker 1:I think you're supposed to drive through.
Speaker 3:That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:My dad told me the only time I've been in an instance like that. A tree fell down in the road in front of us.
Speaker 2:You had to drive through it.
Speaker 1:During a crazy rainstorm, and it was, yeah, my dad was driving, we were in Germany, what? And he reached over and he held me and he just was like we're jumping again.
Speaker 2:He just hit the gas.
Speaker 1:He hit the gas man Go faster, drive through it and, like branches, hit the shit, broke the window mirror off. So I think you're you're on the right track by going.
Speaker 3:That's what. That's funny, cause that's exactly what my dad told me, and taught me too, is if there is an animal or such, you got it. You can't swerve out of the way, cause you're going to. You could crash into somebody else. You could crash into somebody else.
Speaker 1:You could cause more problems.
Speaker 3:So you got to just fucking drive through and when that shit happens, like a squirrel running across the street or something, I always don't even feel it. I was so.
Speaker 2:I was you swerve, tony? No, but what I do is, if it's a human, if I miss it, I then go in reverse like refight retarget located mode Fucking crazy With his murdering actions of stomping out of a tiny little mouse.
Speaker 3:I could see him doing that.
Speaker 2:We are literally sitting in a room that has two animals that I murdered and was so proud of that I decided to make lifelong mementos of them, the one behind you looks fake.
Speaker 3:It's not. Is it a pheasant? Yeah?
Speaker 2:it's a pheasant. Okay, it's from Asia. You went to Asia and shot a pheasant. No, they brought them here so I could shoot them. That's all they're fucking made for, he's shooting them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've never seen one of those birds.
Speaker 2:They breed them in pens and then, right before you're about to go out and shoot them, they go put them out into the fucking field, yeah so this thing darts across successful hunt every time, you win every time.
Speaker 1:Claw machine game for hunters. Basically, this, this bird, is no better than the rubber ball or the rubber ducky.
Speaker 2:Oh, you can still miss them very easily. They're fast, little fuckers.
Speaker 3:Don't you shoot them with a shotgun and the pellets kind of spread out, so it's easier, mm-hmm, okay.
Speaker 2:They only spread so far, though Sometimes you wish they went an extra couple feet.
Speaker 1:What's the name of that gun? The blunderbuss. The blunderbuss that can shoot almost anything out of it. The old pirates guns. You know what I'm talking about the giant hole it's got like a cone on the end of it basically you could stuff anything in there and I didn't shoot it, like old rings and anything you could find, fucking jacks, alright. So Jay's out shooting out the door trying to kill this thing, or what do you got Shadows.
Speaker 3:Never so. Shadow runs across the street and usually, for some reason, I always miss him or I'm always terrified. So I hold my breath and I close my eyes and just pray that I don't hit it.
Speaker 2:I think that's the right move.
Speaker 3:I look back and usually I don't hit it. I think that's the right move. I look back and usually I don't hit it. I don't hit it. This time came across, held my breath, closed my eyes how big I'm getting to, that it's nighttime, so I didn't see how big it was, so it wasn't a squirrel.
Speaker 1:Was it maybe a cat or dog or a wolf, or was this?
Speaker 3:a deer or bear it was a wolf?
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 2:I thought I missed it, but I all of a sudden heard, but the suspension of the car told you different. Yeah, it went.
Speaker 1:I'm like well, again you're driving a micro machine truck. This still could be a squirrel. What are we?
Speaker 3:What size rain. Hitting a squirrel is like hitting a regular deer and destroying my. I hit a squirrel, destroyed my car.
Speaker 2:He hit a raccoon and his car actually stopped in the middle of it and teetered back and forth on it, stopped on it.
Speaker 1:Clearance is three and a half inches on the thing.
Speaker 3:As I was saying, I hit it. I heard the thump, thump. I'm like fuck and I pulled over to the side of the road immediately You're a good driver.
Speaker 2:You hit it with two wheels.
Speaker 1:They say shoot to kill.
Speaker 3:If you're going to shoot, shoot to kill. So I hit it. I hit it, I knew I hit it and I was terrified. I didn't even want to look at it. I pulled up the side of the road and I looked in the rear view mirror and I could just see it was kind of moving Feathers everywhere.
Speaker 1:Objects closer than.
Speaker 3:I see it was kind of moving and I saw that it was the size of a raccoon, maybe a little bigger, but it didn't look like a raccoon. So I'm like, is this a fucking dog? You hit somebody's dog dude, I'm freaking out. I'm like, is this a dog?
Speaker 1:I hope it better not be it better not be a dog.
Speaker 3:it better not be a dog, like that's what I'm saying as I'm looking in the mirror and I'm still not getting out of my car because I'm terrified. So and I'm thinking to myself it's still moving, so it's still alive, but it might be dying. So if I have to put it out of his misery, I don't have like.
Speaker 2:Which brings me back to the movie me myself and Irene.
Speaker 3:I don't carry a gun like Tony, I can't go out there and shoot it.
Speaker 2:What am I going to do?
Speaker 3:That's illegal. Okay, fine, but if I got to put it on its misery, I'd rather do it fast with the gun.
Speaker 2:You got to chirp that car in reverse, no, and give it four more tires. What am I?
Speaker 3:going to do? Take a trowel, slit its throat, suffocate it with a grout sponge.
Speaker 2:I'm already imagining you sitting in your van Suffocate. Imagining you sitting in your van suffocating with the cross. I didn't know how to kill it, like I was I. I imagine you crying with a grout sponge wiping your tears.
Speaker 3:I was, I was, I was sad. I cried myself to sleep that night. Did you go outside and put a pillow over its head? No, like I said, I was gonna suffocate. I was gonna suffocate it with a grout sponge and say quiet, go to bed, go to sleep. So I got out. I got out of the car to see what it actually was. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a dog. I was fucking freaking. Have you ever hit a dog? No, and what would you do if you hit a dog?
Speaker 2:you'd freak out right lots of possums. Last year I hit a big fucking raccoon. That one was fun because I had two people following me and when we got to our destination they're like you ran that fucking raccoon over and I'm like you, don't think everybody in the car knew that that that thing made the wheels get off the ground. I hit that thing going 50 coons are big man.
Speaker 3:So I turned my light on my phone and then I started walking towards the animal. And then the whole time obviously I'm thinking it's a dog, and then I get up to it it's a wolverine, it's a cat oh, fuck it's a cat you let that thing suffer, dude, they just keep moving.
Speaker 2:I have?
Speaker 3:I have three cats. Yeah, I know, yeah, you just keep it moving like an 18 pound cat cats are worthless dude you're gonna get did it have a collar? On. No, that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 1:I was didn't have a collar on.
Speaker 3:If it didn't have a collar, I've never seen, never seen anybody with a cat that had a collar. It's like not, you don't have collars on your cats.
Speaker 1:No, you live in an apartment.
Speaker 3:I don't let my cats outside.
Speaker 2:You live in an apartment he lives in an apartment that he's not supposed to have cats, so he doesn't want. That's the law you're breaking.
Speaker 1:No. So my cats have always been cats that could go outside on a line and then they would sneak out all the time, so we had to put collars on them and then I think we had a cat that just stayed inside. It was too fat and lazy to go anywhere. But it still had a collar, because that was just what we did. And then my mom now has cats and they have collars.
Speaker 3:This cat probably has a home. I took a picture of it in, like you know, in case someone identified the body or if I had to proof that like someone.
Speaker 2:Hey episode of csi, I'm missing an animal I'm missing an animal you have to do it yourself car wash, trying to get the blood off I hit it with my tires, not my great.
Speaker 1:I'm not my grill um, no fucking cat so the cat was still alive you run that fucking thing over.
Speaker 2:You run the walgreens. You get a get well soon, balloon. You go back, tie it to its paw, move on with your fucking life.
Speaker 3:So it's in, it's kind of in. It's not on the edge of the, it's in the middle of the road a little bit. I had to do something, I couldn't just leave it and it was like moving its paw. You touched this cat.
Speaker 1:Oh, dude, you left DNA.
Speaker 3:Hey.
Speaker 1:At this grind scene.
Speaker 2:You got too many hair follicles.
Speaker 1:Now it looks unpersonal.
Speaker 2:Not to have left a couple out of sight.
Speaker 1:Now, it's too personal.
Speaker 3:I took my hat off and my whole fuck all my hair. My head surrounded the cat. Oh man, you hit a cat. I didn't touch it with my hands. I got a.
Speaker 1:I got a trowel oh, you're troweling dead cat from roadside to roadside no, I got, had a broom.
Speaker 3:I got a wooden or a broom and I kind of broomed it to the side. I kind of moved, it touched a little bit because I didn't it's still like kind of moving and making a weird like gurgly sound. I'm like, fuck man, what do I do? Oh, you didn't pop it right, pop it. Yeah, what do you mean? They pop when you run them? Oh god, you're sick. So I moved it to the side and you know, I had a couple tears in my eyes because I got three cats. It was fucking terrifying and sad.
Speaker 1:And then I don't know if I I mean you started thinking about it's somebody's cat. You're like this could have been my cat.
Speaker 2:But if it was?
Speaker 1:somebody's cat? Why was it running around in the road at night with no collar on?
Speaker 3:I figured it was one of the warmer days last week.
Speaker 2:That's the problem with fucking cat owners man, they don't teach their cats to stay out of the road.
Speaker 3:I think it was just it was exploring. It was probably chasing a mouse, I don't fucking know. But it was a sad day in the life of myself. Now it's chasing jesus yeah, but I still I had to leave it without murdering it completely, because I had no way of doing that. Like I said, I don't have any weapons you think you would have you would have.
Speaker 1:uh, what is it when you shoot a gun? What is it a fancy way to say that in cop terms Discharge, discharged a weapon into this thing.
Speaker 3:I had a BB gun and I was like should I load my BB gun up, maybe shoot it in the eyeball a couple?
Speaker 1:times Wait so you carry an unloaded BB gun. No, I have BBs in my.
Speaker 2:BB gun. I'm going to tell you right now, if that was me and that cat was suffering, I'd have watched it for like 20 minutes suffer and then I'd have pistol whooped it to death.
Speaker 3:Imagine if I went out there with a BB gun. I had and just kept shooting it.
Speaker 1:That's too much, Tony.
Speaker 3:Tony's a psycho, you would do that I fucking hate cats.
Speaker 2:What if?
Speaker 3:it was a dog, what would?
Speaker 1:you do, then I would have had a burial, I would have put up a ceremony. Yeah, well, because no one leaves a dog uncolored running amok in the streets. People leave cats, uncolored, running amok in the streets still man.
Speaker 3:That's the only male animal I've ever, ever killed. And then I thought I could have swerved out of the way. There was no cars around. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Speaker 1:The cat probably wanted to die. Sounds like vehicular suicide yeah because think about it, think about it for a minute. If this cat was out and about, you said it was at night. Yeah, well, it was probably like 5 o'clock, all by its lonesome.
Speaker 3:It was probably delivering Uber Eats. Was there a lot of houses in the area there was one side of the street that had houses, and the other side was off like a foresty, oh so this cat has been living in the I mean dude this cat was fat and it it was well fed. It had to be an animal of. Uh, it had to be someone's cat. No, it's a farm cat.
Speaker 2:It was huge. It doesn't matter, why would that matter?
Speaker 3:Because it's.
Speaker 1:Are all your cats fat?
Speaker 3:I have one cat that's huge. It reminded me of him.
Speaker 2:So, jay, if we're being serious here and we had to go live in the woods, I wouldn't eat a cat. You would. You would be really skinny because your non-killer instinct, because you're crying, because you fucking running over rogue cats. I'm not killing the cat to eat it. I would remain fat because I would be able to fucking probably get fatter yeah, I would get stronger and fatter I'd be eating whole deer at a time.
Speaker 3:What the hell do you think you think you guys could kill out in the, in the, in the wild?
Speaker 1:wouldn't it be good, instead of like, joining a gym and just be like, yeah, I'm going on that night 60 days, no?
Speaker 2:shit. 60 days in Alaska. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm switching life with a farmer.
Speaker 3:I could see you, tony, going on naked and afraid and quitting after seven days because you can't kill shit. Oh, I would quit, but they don't give you a gun.
Speaker 2:I would quit most of that kind of shit. Mosquito bites, dude, I can't deal with them.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, yeah, they do get ravaged with bites on that show Completely there ain't no way, completely so do you think that I'm okay? I'm not going to have a cop here and I'm going to call my daughter?
Speaker 2:No, I'm sure there's no warrant.
Speaker 1:What crime did you commit? Murder, murder, yeah. You don't even know if it died.
Speaker 2:Did anyone report this crime? It?
Speaker 1:probably survived. Were there any witnesses? Definition of a crime requires someone to have witnessed it.
Speaker 3:No, no, there's no one around, no, no one witnessed it.
Speaker 1:It was a wrongdoing that you performed, but it's not a crime, it's not a wrongdoing. Until someone says you committed a crime, you actually haven't yet done it.
Speaker 3:What if I didn't see the person in a house binocular.
Speaker 1:So it might have been reported. You might be on the loose for a reported crime. There's a small van.
Speaker 3:They didn't get my license plate because I haven't got a call yet. White van that's why I took a picture of it.
Speaker 2:White van says free candy on the side it does actually. Yeah, no, I think you're good, so then you just drove home like nothing ever happened.
Speaker 1:I haven't told anybody, and you haven't told.
Speaker 3:I had to let this out. This is to myself right now and to you guys. I'm waiting to tell my wife and I cannot, never, ever, I can never tell my kids. They would freak, they would probably cry if I told them the story they're probably never going to look at you the same.
Speaker 1:They'd be like oh my God, Can you believe that dad?
Speaker 2:It's a murder.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm definitely not letting them listen to this episode.
Speaker 1:It was still moving. You could have taken it to the veterinary.
Speaker 3:Dude, it was squished in a spot of its stomach where?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it might have only been five and six of its lives.
Speaker 1:No, it was all nine of its lives that cat could have lived successfully after it, costing you tens and tens of thousands of dollars in a wheeled chair that also cost tens of thousands of dollars that you could have burdened your life with and you drove away.
Speaker 2:That's why your?
Speaker 1:kids and wife. That's what your kids and wife are going to be like. They're not going to realize that there was actually this big burden that would have. But you could have been. They're going to be like Dad you could have saved it.
Speaker 3:You could have been the hero. I was thinking about putting in my car and driving to an animal hospital, leaving it at the front door and taking off.
Speaker 1:I mean you lived with one third of a bathroom situation because of the cats initially. Well, those ones, I wanted. You must live in fear, like Anne Frank, every day of your life because of the illegality of their existence within your home.
Speaker 3:But you wouldn't do it for these cats, I'm telling you man, this cat, you guys don't understand the pain I've gone through this weekend. Jay, that cat probably had a name. Yeah, you know what it's like Whiskers or something. I guess I didn't. It was probably loved by a child Where's?
Speaker 1:Whiskers. I didn't even think about it until now, but my friend at work you know, Darren, might know this guy too, so you should ask. He has a missing cat. He's got a missing cat.
Speaker 3:What color? Black and white, no silver. I've seen the flyer. I'm good there. That's another thing too. I took a picture. Let's see the picture.
Speaker 2:I want to see the picture.
Speaker 1:Show me the picture, do you?
Speaker 2:really got a picture of it. Yeah, I do Give me the picture.
Speaker 1:For you people at home. If Jay ever lets this episode air, the picture will be the thumbnail.
Speaker 2:Let's see the picture.
Speaker 1:I'll show you after the show.
Speaker 3:I'll show you after the show.
Speaker 1:You should show him now. Why wouldn't you show him now? I don't want to see it because I'm not going to do something like that. I don't want to see it because I'm not going to do something like that. I don't really care. All right, but I will put it up If you actually let this thing air, because I don't think you're ever going to tell your wife, because if you tell your wife, she's going to tell your kids no, she won't Fuck you, she won't.
Speaker 1:It's going to be talked about at Christmas dinner next year. Dude, you, dude, you're fucked, you're completely wrecked. You're wrecked, yeah, you're. You committed no crime, but you have lost. You. You've put a big l in front of you and now you haven't said it. What are you gonna say? It happened, so you let's. I just see you. I see you somehow fucking this up where, like in three days, you decide to tell your wife, but you're gonna tell your wife by telling her that it happened that day, even though it happened now a week and a half ago, and then, so it's gonna be fine for a while.
Speaker 2:She's gonna ask you where it happened and then she's gonna go back in your tracking and find this rotted cat dude, what the fuck that is not a three hour old dead cat, and then she's gonna wreck you that out.
Speaker 1:You're gonna fuck this up somehow now. You should have said something right away. You fucked this up.
Speaker 2:I heard you told, I heard you told your father-in-law and he's so pissed he's moving out. It's black and silver spotted, with one long stripe going across its back.
Speaker 3:Don't say it.
Speaker 2:That says Goodyear. I can't believe that made you sad. You hit it in the daylight no, that's a that's.
Speaker 3:That's the light of my camera let everybody know.
Speaker 1:I told you it was nighttime. Let everybody know about how you threw the collar in the woods now he kept it as a memento if there was a shoebox if there was a collar dude. Oh, at least there wasn't a collar.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:That's why I said that's a human. So no one owned that cat.
Speaker 3:Okay, so wait, that cat owned that? Let me ask you, no one owned that cat. Let me ask you this guys, if it had a collar?
Speaker 1:You collar your animals. If it had a collar and it had a number on it, then what would you? I would have called the person and say I murdered the cat. Listen, you flipping idiot. I just hit your freaking animal Because you're so gosh darn.
Speaker 3:Go to the corner of Pierce and Morgan, irresponsible, there's a cat that has your. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:You have to yell at them.
Speaker 2:No, you call them and you say if you ever want to see your candy, can come to the corner of Fifth and Morgan.
Speaker 3:What if they ask me for a picture of it To make sure it's still alive?
Speaker 2:Sending them ransom notes.
Speaker 3:It was a sad day.
Speaker 2:You hit Chris's mic way down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you turned me off.
Speaker 2:How the hell did that happen With a card?
Speaker 1:I don't know. I don't think there was a crime committed. You did flee the scene of an incident, but not a crime.
Speaker 3:It's not really an incident. It's like what if I call? I was thinking, what if I call 911? And they came out and they started to laugh at me.
Speaker 1:They would fine you If you called 911, they would fine you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why I didn't do that. Oh yeah, when they were done, laughing.
Speaker 1:But you could have called like animal control, they could have came out. You could have called the highway department to clean up the mess.
Speaker 3:I guess I could Google that number. I don't know that number.
Speaker 2:You made some dude $5, because people get like $5 a carcass when they go collect them on the road. Are you?
Speaker 3:serious, yeah. What do they do with them? Then? Put them in chicken nuggets for McDonald's.
Speaker 2:They go, turn them in, throw them in a dump. You definitely should have.
Speaker 1:I mean, I guess they're not telling.
Speaker 2:The right answer is you do nothing. You're already fucked up by stopping.
Speaker 1:It's so stupid.
Speaker 2:Why the fuck would you stop?
Speaker 1:You knew it wasn't human. Right If you know it wasn't human.
Speaker 2:Once you confirm it's not a child, you fucking keep driving.
Speaker 3:Well, I had to stop to confirm that. I told you it was black, went quick and da-dun-da-dun.
Speaker 1:I guess if it would have freaked me out enough I probably would have stopped. If it was substantial enough unknowns I would have stopped to find out. But if I knew for sure it was like dang, that was some animal, I would have just kept driving and I probably would have woke my wife up when I got home I couldn't wait to tell her.
Speaker 2:Oh dude, I don't think.
Speaker 3:I'd ever tell her I'd have woke the kids up.
Speaker 2:Everybody Show her the picture. You want to hear what your dad did today.
Speaker 3:Check this picture out. Should I print that picture off Up?
Speaker 1:This might be a whole different episode. But why wouldn't you tell your wife?
Speaker 3:I'm still like like recovering from the sadness.
Speaker 1:He's in trauma.
Speaker 3:He has been leaving clues.
Speaker 1:You're in trauma.
Speaker 3:Every time I see a cat on the show, I start crying or watching something what's wrong?
Speaker 1:I'll tell you in a week you should find an old episode from an old sitcom when they used to be on TV and need episodes about one where the guy hit a cat or something and then paused it and be like turn to your wife.
Speaker 2:I remember this one time.
Speaker 1:Honey, there's something I needed to tell you. I don't know how. A movie about a cat getting murdered.
Speaker 2:This episode helped me. Maybe on YouTube you can find a support video for people who have killed animals on the road and show it to her and just tell her this is what I'm dealing with maybe there's, maybe there's a facebook page for people that have incidentally harmed cats any animal any well, again, it's a, it's a house animal, it's a.
Speaker 1:It's a pet. You don't know that that thing was in the house. You have no idea. It's probably a farm cat.
Speaker 3:In retrospect. It is a house animal. It is not like if I had a deer. No, it's not.
Speaker 2:They started as wild animals. Every animal started as wild animals, Exactly and people have decided to make them house animals.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:This cat was never a wild animal. This cat was probably someone's house cat but it got left in that field you're talking about. They abandoned it. That cat had no collar. No one owned it. That's my stance. If you don't collar or brand your animal so that it can be identified as yours, it's not yours.
Speaker 3:It's not your animal. It's probably because it's been so cold out. It's probably like a frozen body and it's frozen to the cement.
Speaker 1:You haven't driven past no. You're afraid to go back to the scene of the crime.
Speaker 3:I take 10 minutes detours. Just not take that road ever again.
Speaker 1:Interesting.
Speaker 3:Ever. I'll never go down that road. I murdered something on that road scene of a crime. Huh. Have you ever done anything where you just could not drive on a road? No, never I have. I'm murdered murder road.
Speaker 1:It's called murder road now from here on out yeah well, I can't wait to hear the conclusion of this, when you finally break down and decide to tell your family of your?
Speaker 3:Oh shit, I thought you were talking about when I'm finally caught and put in jail.
Speaker 1:There's no way you could be jailed in any form or fashion.
Speaker 3:It's hit and run. No, you didn't hit and run.
Speaker 1:You hit and stopped. For fuck's sake, no one was there.
Speaker 2:On another note, with the way Netflix has been putting stuff out, you're eligible for your own documentary.
Speaker 3:This one is a story. Don't fuck with cats. Oh man, Remember that one.
Speaker 2:It's just going to be a montage of different scenes of Jace sitting in a bathtub with no water, no clothes, shivering, crying, no, no.
Speaker 3:Reaching up to heaven. No it. It's gonna have close-up shots of me and there's gonna be tears running down my eyes and I'm gonna have a really sad and it's just gonna be like a plinkle board going through all your strands of hair.
Speaker 2:It's a little zigzag, a plinkle board.
Speaker 3:My hair is no, my hair, my just. The hair just doesn't get wet. It would just be on top of my hair, falling out. I can't make it to your skin. Yeah, a plinko board, oh fuck the tear that was never felt.
Speaker 2:Maybe that'll be the name of the documentary what in the world?
Speaker 3:how do you come up with these names? It's a pretty good name yeah like I had no idea what doc I would watch that documentary. I wouldn't reading the name. I'd be like what is this about?
Speaker 2:it would be something totally different than what it sounds like a tear never felt the fucked up thing is when netflix would make you run over a second cat so they can have footage we don't have much in the budget.
Speaker 1:We got no room for ai.
Speaker 2:We're gonna need you to do that again they'd be like all right, we got these 10 cats. Which one looks the most like the cat? Rank them in order, in case you miss the first couple.
Speaker 1:I imagine the guy off off scene, off off camera, who's throwing the cats out like this you guys are terrible, throwing it out like a spike strip. We gotta do it again. We missed them. Cat rolled under it. I gotta throw.
Speaker 2:We need a new cat boss they got a little one wheel ramp so that when he hits it the fucking van turns over on its side we're gonna need it.
Speaker 1:Nope, the tossing the cat's not working. We're gonna have to do the pull it by a string method from the other side.
Speaker 3:Rig it up you guys are psychos.
Speaker 1:I don't know why I'm laughing I can't wait for the tear that never was.
Speaker 2:Wasn't that the tear that?
Speaker 1:was never felt.
Speaker 2:Documentary and you know how when they do shit with animals, they always put the disclosure at the beginning or the end. No cats were harmed in the making.
Speaker 3:They can't do it.
Speaker 2:They would have to do it for years. Like only seven cats were harmed for the making of this movie, they can't do it for this one.
Speaker 1:They would have to do it for years Like only seven cats were harmed for the making of this documentary. No, it'd be a slow motion over some hip-hop music, like the end of every movie Black and white film.
Speaker 2:Oh, I can't wait till we have more stories about killing kittens. You are terrible. It wasn't a kitten.
Speaker 3:It was a cat. More stories about killing kittens. You are terrible. It wasn't a kitten, it was a cat.
Speaker 2:So I ran over this box the other day, filled with kittens to the brim. Oh my God, he's sick.
Speaker 3:Everyone's going to hate so many dead kittens. You're going to have fun. People are going to hate you.
Speaker 1:This is Tony talking right now. Remember guys.
Speaker 3:Jay and Chris don't agree with tony wauwatosa wisconsin, come see me so, in a world that shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms and open laughs, with our candid narratives around our stories. We can assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. So remember, every tuesday, come listen to our podcast Top Shelf Stories. Why'd the music stop? Great slam poetry. You like that? That was pretty good. Memorize that, shit, guys. Alright, see you later.
