Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Tennis Balls Under the Bed and a Homeless Person at Breakfast
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We share a nightmare hotel experience that occurred at the start of our family vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains, featuring an abandoned front desk, malfunctioning room equipment, and a tennis ball under the bed.
• The hotel nightmare begins with a 45-minute wait at an unmanned reception desk
• Phones ring unanswered throughout the hotel while guests stand helplessly in the lobby
• Room amenities include an aircraft-loud air conditioner and a high-pitched refrigerator causing ear ringing
• Morning reveals a homeless person sleeping in the breakfast area while the front desk phone continues ringing
• Despite multiple attempts to contact management for a refund, calls remain unreturned
• A second story features a Diamond Elite status showdown when a motel refuses to provide a refund despite broken amenities
• The vacation eventually continues with a beautiful mountain cabin experience featuring stunning sunrise and sunset views
If you've ever stayed in a shitty hotel, make sure you leave it in the comments and maybe we'll share your story on air eventually.
Family Vacation Plans
Speaker 1Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony. So what's up everybody? Thanks for joining us. Another episode of top shelf stories with chris, jay and tony. Today I'm gonna tell you a little story about family vacation. So every year we plan a family vacation around spring break time and we like to drive in the car. So I'm going to wait for Tony to come back, because there's no sense in telling a story to two people in a room when only one's in the room. You're taking notes.
Speaker 2No, I'm right, Tony's taking notes my ass. So we're taking notes. No, I'm taking notes my ass.
Speaker 1So we're taking this family vacation. We decided we're going to go down to the Great Smoky Mountains. We're going to do like six days. We rented a cabin right on top of the mountain.
Speaker 3That's amazing. I did that last year.
Speaker 1Yeah, I think we got a little inspiration from that maybe, yeah, actually our wives talked, it's very possible and you guys were supposed to come with us.
Speaker 3Whoa what happened. We should have.
Speaker 1Because it would have been more fun with another family for sure. So we were going to take this trip down. We were going to leave on a Friday morning, thursday morning or Friday morning, something like this, but the weather here in Milwaukee was showing that there was going to be some snow. And we're going to drive and we're like fuck that shit, let's get out of town. So I went to my app, I got hotel points through Holiday Inn, picked out a nice hotel near O'Hare Airport. Get on the road, get an hour or two out of town. Call it a night, leave after work, get a good start in the morning. So we showed up at this hotel at about 7.45 or so and my kid goes to bed at 8 o'clock Plus. We were all excited for this trip. So we're like shit, we're here, we'll get in trip. So we're like shit, we're here, we'll get in, we'll. We'll get in, we'll check in, we'll throw all our bags down, we'll jump in the pool for a little while, then we'll crash, we'll get up in the morning, we'll get going.
Speaker 3Put all our bags on this cart thing, because we were packed to like not gone for a week, yeah, and you're in chicago, so you can't leave a fucking napkin on your car without it getting stolen.
Hotel Check-in Nightmare
Speaker 1That and also is I wasn't really planning for this day. So my bags are not packed for a day, they're packed for the next leg of the trip. So I show up, pull this cart of luggage into the lobby and wait. There's nobody at the front desk. Like well, this is strange. We'll wait it out a couple more minutes. I'm sure the person will be back in a second. They still don't show up. Minutes go by, Ten minutes go by. I mean the kid is like getting anxious.
Speaker 3The wife and her went and looked at the pool but it's a young girl, so she's just sitting there quietly she was just sitting there quietly of course, so probably brought a coloring book or something dude sat there for like 20, 25 minutes.
Speaker 1Dude, now it's like 8, 30, 8, 20 sitting there and there's another guy who had gotten locked out. He had just checked in and I was like, dude, where's the guy? Like, is there a guy or a girl here, like who's supposed to be here? He's like, oh, when I checked in it was a Big black guy. I'm like, okay, he's like I'm waiting for him Because I went, I checked in. He's a guy like he's still in his orange vest from work and shit. He checked in and went across the street to get some food and came back. He fucking forgot his keys in his, in his orange vest. Is it like a safety vest, like a construction guy?
Speaker 1oh, yeah, yeah, neon he's like so he's waiting and we're waiting. It gets to the point I'm like all right, I'm gonna call, like the credit card hotel, ihg hotel thing, like dude, there's another hotel like a mile and a half down the road.
Speaker 2I'm gonna call them, tell them to move us like there's nobody here so she sometimes it's not good to be prepared to it, so this guy was walking.
Speaker 1He's like fuck this. And he starts walking into like the office area, yelling for people.
Speaker 2There's nobody there so now you're stuck there because you already got it, we're stuck. See now me I'd be like no one's here 8, 30. I didn't fucking plan this. I'll go to a fucking another hotel, dude.
Speaker 1But you can't, can't, we're waiting. So I call the thing on my phone and the lady's like, you know, press one for this, press two for that, whatever I get the lady and she's like, hi, I'm gonna help you. And I give her the number, the reservation number. She's like, oh yeah, no, it's well, would you mind just holding on a moment? We got a phone number. We're gonna call. We'll get a hold of them, but don't hang up, did?
Speaker 2you will get a hold of them, your phone, the phone next to me starts ringing.
Speaker 1It had already rang through its cycle. People were calling this hotel while we were waiting.
Speaker 3I mean we're there for half of an hour.
Speaker 1You can't do anything. You can't go to your room because you don't know which room is yours.
Speaker 2You can't go to the pool because there's a lock there.
Speaker 1Did you look over the counter? You can't. Office of the he was done, dude he was like playing around with the computer trying to print his own key. Dude, this guy. This guy was pissed because he had been working all day. He'd fucking waiting.
Speaker 2He went to go get lunch.
Speaker 1He still didn't eat nothing. He's hanging out in this bag of food.
Speaker 2He's waiting in this lobby with these white people. I got my key printed. What? What room are you in?
Speaker 1he couldn't get into his room neither, and and then like people are coming down and they're like what are you?
Speaker 1And I'm like, do you work here? Do you work here? Like no, no, no, phone's ringing. I'm standing there on the phone, it's just it's like beeping in my ear and bring it over there. Beeping in my ear, ringing over there. I'm like this bitch line like what's the deal? So I get so frustrated. I'm like, because it's been like five, ten minutes now I've been waiting on hold so I'm not hold and there's nobody there and like I'm fucking. What am I supposed to do? My kids looking at me like what's up, dad? So so much stress? That's well the time. It's already 8 30 now we're sitting here in a freaking hotel lobby. We're all excited for our vacation.
Speaker 3That they still have any of the continentalinental.
Speaker 2Breakfast stuff out.
Speaker 3Nothing. No coffee Nothing, nothing.
Speaker 1Dude, I don't even think that CNN was on in the breakfast room on quiet or whatever, like it always is. So finally I'm like fuck this. So I went and I'm like I'm going to pick up that goddamn phone. So I picked up the phone, thinking I'd get the lady to tell her like hi, I'm the guy that's waiting.
Speaker 2But no.
Speaker 1I get myself. It talks into my other ear. So I got both these phones.
Speaker 3I talk into myself.
Speaker 1All she did was transfer us to the front desk. She was gone, gone. So then I'm hung up on. So then I'm like crap. So I call back again and I'm waiting. You know, press two, press this. What's your reservation number? How can I help you? What seems to be the problem, all this stuff? I'm like can you just there's? My wife looked it up, I know of it too. It's just like three miles down the road. Can you just move our reservation so we can get the hell out of here? I've been waiting this lobby for 45 minutes. One moment, sir. We've got a phone number we can call. I'm like no, dude, Lady, you can't call again. It just rings Like it's not going to work. Finally, the dude walks in. Dude walks in, right, I'm like thank God. So I let the guy who'd been fucking food, getting cold and all this shit, I let him get his key because I thought that would just take a second. No, this freaking key machine wouldn't work. The guy's swiping the key machine, he's sitting there sipping a big foam cup soda and he's like y'all are lucky.
Speaker 1I came back or came into work early today. I don't know what's going on. I knew it was the same motherfucker, cause this guy's eyes behind me the guy he was. He was livid, right, so anyways, it takes like six, seven. So anyways, takes like six, seven times, checks in, gets the guy going. Then he checks us in, gets us going, gets us into our room.
Broken Amenities and Disappointments
Speaker 1We get to our rooms. You're like don't worry, there's a little construction, we're gonna put you on floor four. And he laughs. I'm like dude, don't do me like that, don't. I was like dude, I seen what you just did. You laughed, just put me, come on. So he's like I know, I'm just kidding. Four side construction floor. So you get the elevators, like the, the plastic is on there because there's construction in the hotel and get in the room. Get in the room, everything looks nice in the room like all right, say bad, whatever, that's through. We go, we put our, we get kids like all right, suits on, let's go to the fucking pool, even though now it's nine o'clock, not eight o'clock, you know, go down to the pool, just stinks in there like fucking chlorine, like burn your eyes chlorine.
Speaker 1No towels in the fucking bin for the for this pool. Kid goes, dad, I'm scared, I don't want to swim in this pool. I'm like all right, whatever sounds good for me. I really didn't want to either, especially now it's fucking nine o'clock. I want to get on the road at like six the next morning like road and road. We haven't even, like you know, get a snack in you and hang out at the hotel for a minute, right, or whatever. The fucking heater and air conditioner box was like. It was so bad. I recorded it on my phone.
Speaker 3It sounded like an airplane dude.
Speaker 1It was terrible, my God. The wife goes down to the front desk for something and go out to smoke a cigarette or something. Me and the kid are sitting in the room and she's like Dad, my ears are ringing. And I'm like my ears are ringing too. What the fuck is this? The air conditioner I already unplugged because it's too fucking loud. The air conditioner I already unplugged because it's too fucking loud. What else could it be?
Speaker 3the dude, the, the refrigerator was ringing so loud, so she's like my ears are ringing.
Speaker 1I unplug it and she's like dad, it stopped there, was that, what, dude? Then she's dicking around the hotel room. She finds a tennis ball underneath the bed nice, which is like whatever. It's a tennis ball underneath the bed, nice, which is like whatever, it's a tennis ball. But like what the hell? This place hasn't even been cleaned since. The last was like what, anyways? And then, oh yeah, the elevator. So we went down to the. When we went down to the pool, we took the other elevator, that the one, like that, was the one that came up from us. There was two elevators. She, she's like I want to take the stairs.
Speaker 1I'm not going on the elevator anymore because it like was all janky as shit. Uh yeah, dude. Oh we went down to go have breakfast in the morning. I'm like, okay, free continental breakfast. We'll go down there, get some food in the kids belly, we'll get on the road there's a homeless person sleeping in the fucking area by the coffee machines.
Speaker 1Uh, the older woman comes down for filling coffee and she's like, hey, good morning, and she looked like she had about as good a night as I did god. And she's like, oh cool, no tea. Huh, no tea. So we make our little breakfast from the little hot breakfast area, whatever we're sitting down, me and the kid and I'm sitting, and it's like you know, 40 feet down a hallway to the front desk, and the whole time we're eating the phone is ringing and nobody's picking it up.
Speaker 2Nobody, dude, we're eating.
Speaker 1the phone is ringing and nobody's picking it up. Nobody, dude. Well, okay, what is the name of this hotel?
Speaker 2it's that's the thing, so that's the thing I've been.
Speaker 1I was an outside salesman. I used to spend like three out of four nights or three out of five nights of the week on the road or more, and the one thing I always told my company was, like I understand, these hotels are a little more expensive every night, but I know that when I check in it's going to be the same. They're going to greet me with a nice greeting, give me a bottle of water, all this shit. It's going to be the same blankets, the same pillows, same room configuration. It'll have a pool, hot breakfast. I stay at Holiday Inns. If that's a problem with you, that's a problem with you. So it a holiday inn. Oh, dude, this is the first time in my life, dude. Normally they'll like email, you like a day or two day later and they're like hi, how was your stay? And like one of the first questions is like did they greet you as a customer lead or whatever to ruby elite or whatever? The fuck I am how?
Speaker 1many times did the phone ring dude, so bad dude. So then I go through the whole vacation. We had a great vacation. I won't get into here, I just needed to tell this quick story. But we get this huge long, this five-day vacation. We did all this great stuff. We come back, a couple days pass and I decide I'm going to fucking call Because this hotel was my free night, that I had earned Plus, even if I paid for it, I'd want my money back.
Speaker 2So I'm like I want this free night credit back. Like that was ridiculous. Dude, you got one of the free night credits.
Speaker 1I damn near just drove off at 8.30. I was like well, I guess we're heading to Louisville, we're going to get there a little early. We would have shown up at like 3 in the morning.
Speaker 3Louisville, louis, louisville, louisville.
Speaker 1No, you can't move your tongue.
Speaker 3Louisville, yeah All right Now one of you guys. It's where we stayed to break up the trip.
Speaker 1Yeah it's the spot to go yeah, you guys. You stay at the Drury Inn Spell that we did not stay at the Drury, you got to stay at the.
Speaker 2Drury Spell that, you guys.
Speaker 1One of you 15 here, so got it almost dude. I call like three, four days after we got back and I'm like hi, I just want to tell somebody about my experience at the hotel. I didn't have a very good time and like I just want to express it, and I'd also like to ask for a refund of my stay.
Speaker 2I thought it was like all right please hold.
Failed Attempts to Get Refund
Speaker 1We're going to get you in touch with the manager at the hotel. It rings and rings, and rings, and rings and rings and then finally someone does pick up and I was like hi, I just wanted to know. They said that you were the manager. And she goes oh, you want to talk to James, or whatever? Hold on Voicemail. Still haven't gotten a call back to it.
Speaker 3I ain't never getting that free. No, you ain't never getting a free room. So so my brother is also a traveling salesperson and, uh, he stays with one group of hotels now it's hilton for me.
Speaker 1I switched.
Speaker 3I switched. I don't really remember what I think it might be the Hilton group or something I don't know.
Speaker 1American is part of it. I don't know which ones those are American and then there's, I think, Super 8. Oh, that's the Choice Hotel. I think maybe that's a good program.
Speaker 3And then it goes up from there. My brother is a diamond elite status.
Speaker 1I think I'm platinum elite when it comes to holiday inns.
Speaker 3So my brother's the highest status you can get with the hotel. Yeah, this is nice, and my brother knows the fucking deal with staying at these hotels and when we go deer hunting he always books it with his points because he has like fucking 40 days does he make you guys all buy him dinner for like the free?
Speaker 1room too, not at all not at all.
Speaker 3He only wants cash. But we uh, we decide we're. We're not going to use up a bunch of his points and we're going to stay at the Super 8. And we go, or maybe it's Motel 6.
Speaker 1I don't know, whatever the fuck See there, you kind of know, like you know, what you might be getting into.
Speaker 3You might be, getting into some like stale sheets and Prairie du Chien.
Speaker 1An old faucet and, like whatever Toilet, fucking leaks.
Speaker 3third, 35 minutes or whatever so the people working there are fucking rude. It's a husband and wife combo. They were pissed because they were sitting out in front smoking and they had to come in and take our shit. You know, and I'm not gonna say my brother was inebriated at the time, but he may.
Speaker 3He may have been drinking a little bit, okay oh, I was so pissed in that lobby I fucking dug into my cooler and grabbed myself a beer and I was just drinking sitting at the desk man so we check in and they make it very, very difficult on us, but they ultimately give us a room and we go up to our room and every single thing in that room is broken, much less. Much like what you just talked about. The heating and cooling was broke, the refrigerator was broke, the fucking tv was broke.
Speaker 1Uh, the place was fucking dirty yeah, that was the other thing I had for a note is this place only had four channels disney, murder channel golf and discovery swamp people that's a good combination.
Speaker 2So everyone.
Speaker 3so we check in and my brother says I want a first floor room and the guy goes. Why? The guy goes, we don't have any available. And my brother's like bullshit, there's nobody at this fucking hotel.
Speaker 2Your brother's one of those guys that complains about not getting what he wants.
Speaker 3No, because they were off to like a bad start already and we have like a week's worth of gear to drag up and down the stairs and we bring our guns. You should have said that first. And we bring our guns and our bows and all that stuff and it's just, it's a pain in the ass running up and down stairs and none of these fucking little motels out there have elevators.
Speaker 3So my brother's already a little pissed that they won't give us a first floor room. And uh, they're like well, we have one. We have only like four open right now, but we have people that already have them reserved on friday. And my brother's like I'm diamond plus elite, like I Like I'm Diamond Plus Elite, like it's in the thing that because of my status I get to bump people. And he's like I want to bump somebody for a first floor room. I don't give a fuck. And the guy's like I'm not doing it. He's like you can call your fucking Diamond Plus Elite and whatever.
Speaker 3So the guy checks us into the second floor room. We go up and look at it before we bring anything up. Everything's fucking broken, it's dirty, it's nasty. And my brother just goes down and very calmly says I need you to cancel my reservation and refund my card and I want a receipt that this is done. The guy's like I can't do that and you know this little husband wife team own this place. He's like super fucking rednecks, you know okay.
Speaker 3And uh, they're like we can't do that. And my brother's like do you know how many fucking hotels I stay in? You can fucking do that right. And my brother's like do you know how many fucking hotels I stay in? You can fucking do that right now. He's like I'm going to call corporate and I'm going to get the shit reversed right fucking now. And the guy's like, well, we got no way to do it, we can't do it. He's like call your corporate and he's like, unless you give me a valid reason why you're canceling your reservation, that money's mine. And uh, my brother literally starts like progressively getting more and more angry until he's fucking screaming at them in the lobby and they won't refund his money that was another thing.
Speaker 1Katie was like dude. Katie was like I can't believe I've never seen you remain calm like that before she thought I was gonna just tear into this motherfucker. I was like I'm with my kid here, like I've never.
Speaker 3My brother's like, hey, we want a refund. And the guy's like well, what's the reason? He's like because I'm dissatisfied with our room and I would just like to go find another place. The guy's like, well, that's not a good enough reason. We ain't giving you your money back for that. And he's like our policy says and my brother's like I don't really care what your policy says. Uh, I'm, I'm a diamond member, which he goes. Do you know how many hotels I gotta stay in to get a diamond plus? He goes. And the guy's like I don't, I don't give a fuck what you are. And then my brother like immediately fucking snaps. I'm like and this dude's got like his buddies outside smoking cigarettes with him. I'm like are we gonna have to fight a hotel owner in a fucking parking lot right now over fucking getting back our $37?
Speaker 1a night.
Brother's Diamond Elite Showdown
Speaker 3Fucking. So my brother actually ends up having to call uh the corporate and he's politely telling these people that they need to discontinue this shitholes franchise. He's like. He's like, I'm a diamond plus member.
Speaker 1I've also heard him say diamond plus because the reason hundred times the reason is is because the hotels make such a big deal to like thank you normally and like they're sending you emails all the time, like we appreciate that you are this and then all this other shit, and then yeah, so when it comes down to like a complaint, it's like the first thing you want to do is be like do you understand that you've given me this status? You've, you've provided me with this opportunity to use these high-level metals as my status.
Speaker 1I demand some type of.
Speaker 2Another thing too, is this off-topic, but what we can do is ask the audience I'm sorry we're mumbling here their stories with bad hotel experiences.
Speaker 1Yeah, so they can put them in the comments.
Speaker 2Okay, I want to delete that part?
Speaker 1Go piss, tell me about that. Can put them in the comments. Okay, I'm going to delete that part. Go piss, tell me about that to throw up in your eyes.
Speaker 2You end that story with tell me your story. Okay, you know what I'm saying. Sure, okay, I basically unpaused it, you done.
Speaker 3Yeah, I think so. I mean, my brother is still, to this day, a Diamond.
Speaker 1Plus, did he get his money back?
Speaker 3Yeah, he got his money back Did you guys stay there that night? No, we didn't. We went to a different motel that's under that same umbrella.
Speaker 1I saw while driving through Indiana and it was a lovely experience. An American Inn.
Speaker 3American Inn.
Speaker 1I saw on my way down to wherever the fuck I was driving along the way, a motel seven. It was a super seven or a motel seven or something. I'm like what, what? What's that Big old seven on the highway?
Speaker 3Yeah, little bit less franchising fees. Same shitty quality, you've learned.
Speaker 2You know what that reminds me of? Seven minute amps. Why would you go in the store and pick out eight minutes right, then you see seven minutes right there, duh, you pick out seven minute amps.
Speaker 3So off the shitty hotel topic. So did you stay in a stilt house?
Speaker 1No, not a stilt house. I mean the back half of the house, I guess, was kind of off on stilts, but I think the house was all on brick frame.
Speaker 3The patio.
Speaker 1It was a wraparound patio that ended up, but, dude, it was so fucking cool, dude, I got up every morning before the sun, watched the sunrise, I watched the sunrise, I watched the moon set, the sun set, so did you happen to stay dude as you're? Getting up and early enough in the morning you see the moon go down on one side and the sun come up on the other.
Mountain Cabin Experience
Speaker 3Did you happen to stay in a place where you drive in and there's like a registration place and then you drive into it?
Speaker 1this is like an airbnb private, okay, house on a hill yeah on a mountain dude. It was the steepest incline I've ever driven on and I've driven we've. We rented a jeep once when we were in colorado and we went off-roading with the thing and like atvs and stvs or whatever the fuck. We're flying up the fucking hill and like looking at us like we were crazy and I'm going over with my stock Jeep Wrangler at your price rental place and you're 2,000 and they go up the hill and I'm like crank, crank, crank with the highway tires, oh yeah, dude, it was rough but we did it.
Speaker 1Oh yeah, but this shit dude like this, remember off the highway when they had that Hummer dealership and there was that Hummer test track and there was the fucking dude this was straight like those hills, straight fucking up like for 400 feet, 500 foot driveway straight fucking up Like you got to get speed going. I had the front end hopping a little bit when we were loaded up. Dude, it was rough man.
Speaker 3When I took my truck there, my truck has sensors that beep when you get too close to something.
Speaker 1You're coming up to the back of a car and it starts going beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. The hill was at an incline that it was.
Speaker 3It was on such an incline that I couldn't drive it. It kept locking the brakes up. I had to turn all the safety assist equipment off.
Speaker 1I've never seen any shit like this.
Speaker 3I fucking. The one we stayed in it was two mountains and there were like 30 cabins and there was like a mini golf course, a playground, all this shit to do there, and the playground was at the bottom of the mountain and Michelle wanted to walk. So there was like this really cool trail you took to get down to it and she's like, well, let's take the road back. And I'm like, okay, fucking halfway up.
Speaker 1She's like I have to sit down.
Speaker 3She sat in the fucking road.
Speaker 1No, this is, this is secluded as it was there was no one around full-on calves on fire.
Speaker 3Nothing you could do. You had to keep pushing through it yeah, I, yeah, I wouldn't have walked up this shit, dude, no way yeah but where we were at, you couldn't even see another house, but I know it was fun as fuck because that was a cool place, man all right, everybody, that's the story.
Speaker 1If you've got it yourself a driving through town story, please leave it in the comments. That's for jay. Jay's so happy that I said that this time.
Speaker 2The hotel part was what I wanted to say.
Speaker 1If you've ever stayed in a shitty hotel, make sure you leave it in the comments and maybe we'll share your story on air Eventually. I think we should take this show on the road to Twitter spaces and let people come up and talk with us.
Speaker 2But we'll get there.
Speaker 1I don't even know what that is. It's like your youtube, but no video. We're gonna have people come up and talk with us that sounds cool. It's awesome. All right, peace out top shelf stories. Take your fucking family on vacation. We'll see you next time.
