Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Claustrophobia, Dark Humor, And The Longest Two Hours Of My Life
We turn a routine elevator ride into a raw story about claustrophobia, control, and the messy, human way real rescues happen. Humor keeps us afloat, but the takeaway lands hard: trust your gut, know the exits, and don’t be afraid to choose the stairs.
• owning a lifelong fear of small spaces and what triggers it
• the moment the elevator dies and the buttons fail
• calling for help, waiting, and managing panic in the dark
• myths and truths about cables, counterweights, and safety
• getting stuck between floors and why doors won’t open
• improvising a rescue through the ceiling hatch
• how humor breaks fear’s grip without denying it
• lessons on preparation, patience, and choosing stairs
Take the stairs because you’re way safer. It’s more exercise and makes your heart safe and your body safe. So just do it
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_02:What's up? What's up? What's going on, guys? What's up? What's up? Welcome to Top Shelf Stories. Your favorite podcast to get the best stories you've ever heard. There you go. You like that little voice idea? I don't. I didn't like it. Anyway, I be well, I'm kind of uh I'm disembogul bog me with that word, Chris. Discombobulated. Is that is that how it goes? Yes.
SPEAKER_03:I have no idea what word you were doing.
SPEAKER_02:I am somewhat terrified because I have a huge fear of something. And I think a lot of people have the same fear. Is it tall man? Spiders.
SPEAKER_03:Changing light bulbs. A hard day's work?
SPEAKER_00:Why is that so funny, Tony?
SPEAKER_02:You know why? Shut the fuck up. I am more harder worker than you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, for sure. You son of a bitch. I just don't want the confrontation right now, so I'm just gonna fucking agree.
SPEAKER_03:Is it waking up before the sun?
SPEAKER_02:I would I you know what? To be honest, that's like one of my favorite things to do, but I just can never do it. Um, I'm claustrophobic as fuck. I'm terrified, terrified of small spaces. I've always thought to myself, if I ever okay, so you know when you have real realistic dreams and you're like, damn, like a terrible nightmare. Like you never want to have again. Like, dude, I come over Heather Graham.
SPEAKER_03:Terrible dream.
SPEAKER_02:Terrible dreams. Okay, so I I'm always terrified to have a dream. I'm stuck in a coffin or or or or underground or something like that. I never had that dream yet.
SPEAKER_03:Was it your claustrophobia that caused you to come out of the closet?
SPEAKER_02:Trust me, if I was in that closet, I'd have been gone before I even barely got in.
SPEAKER_04:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:No, but I this is like the worst fucking experience I've ever had, and I don't wish to pond my worst enemy. I was wait, wait.
SPEAKER_03:Were you claustrophobic before this experience? No, yes, 100%.
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_03:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:My brother. So how do you drive yourself to work then? I know I can get out of your car in your little panel truck with no windows.
SPEAKER_02:I know I can get out of the car when I please. Like an airplane, a kind of claustrophobic. Like I get a little claustrophobic because I know for that first hour, well, entire flight, I can't get out of the fucking airplane. So that's kind of claustrophobic. Or when I was younger, my brother used to put a blanket over the top of me and fucking leg. Yeah, that was one thing. The other thing was he would not let me out of the blanket. And I would get I think that's what spiraled the well being closed for. Being trapped. Being trapped. So I got stuck. I live in an apartment building. I got stuck in our elevator.
SPEAKER_03:How many floors? Three. How many floors up was it? Or I guess it doesn't really matter.
SPEAKER_02:Well, when you're stuck in an elevator, yeah, it doesn't matter how many floors you're because my main fear of being stuck in an elevator is that it's gonna fall.
SPEAKER_03:Like if a door won't open, then how's the cable gonna hold?
SPEAKER_02:So you're afraid that you're gonna fall and die?
SPEAKER_03:That's the only fear of death.
SPEAKER_02:What if you only go up one floor?
SPEAKER_03:Still like twelve feet. Okay, so I was From or maybe not eight, nine, ten.
SPEAKER_02:I don't remember how high. I don't I don't know how high I was up. But I got in the elevator after getting the mail. And all of a sudden I heard this. I'm like, oh fuck. No, you were alive. No way. It's just you? Just me. No way this is happening. No way this is not happening. And all of a sudden the lights went out and it's everything completely stopped. Like I didn't hear sounds. I the lights on the numbers to push were gone, and I knew.
SPEAKER_01:And and your bougie building uh is one wall of the elevator all glass where you can see outside.
SPEAKER_02:No, everything's it's completely solid steel. Even the ceiling is steel.
SPEAKER_01:Like a poor person elevator?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:It's crazy.
SPEAKER_02:It's actually it's it's not uh I can't think of this given description.
SPEAKER_01:Is it an Otis? Because I'm very brand loyal when it comes to elevators.
SPEAKER_02:So if there's an elevator Schneider's, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:He walks in, it's a Schneider, and he's like, I'll take the fucking stairs.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:48 floors.
SPEAKER_01:I'm like, until this building can afford Otis, I'm out.
SPEAKER_02:There's no way Tony's taking stairs. Look at him. So I was stuck. I knew I was stuck after hearing the noise and knowing the lights turned off. So the only thing like, have you ever been in this situation? What do you do? You know you've seen panic buttons on the elevator things before, and you're like, ha ha ha, I never pushed that shit. Fire fire department button or call button. You ever push those? No, you never.
SPEAKER_03:I've gotten on elevators, and then like the door won't close again. And I'm like, nope, I'm out. Like I just nope, not working. Nope. I'm not gonna do it. See you later. See you. And the door takes like an hour to open. Like, no, just take the stairs.
SPEAKER_02:Not doing that again.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:So no, I was stuck. I was fucking stuck. I knew I was stuck. Uh like I said, no more noises were happening. So I was like, fuck, what am I gonna do? I had my phone, thank God, so I could give a call. But first I gave a before I I called anyone, I remembered the little buttons by the the numbers. Like a bell. A bell or a fire department thing. So I pushed all of them. I pushed even all the fucking I pushed everything I could think of. None of them worked. None of them. It was still dark. So I'm like, shit, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_01:Like, um So so lights are out. Lights are out. Now you're using your phone. No, I'm not using my well, I I have so basically I have my I imagine. I imagine if you're claustrophobic, you also have somewhat, maybe not a crippling fear, but a slight fear of the dark.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I do. Yes. I used to like would you walk in the woods at night?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Because it's you have a moon to light the sky.
SPEAKER_01:Light in the No, I didn't say in an open field.
SPEAKER_02:I don't know. I don't know of a woods being that dark where you can't see anything. I don't go to the fucking wilderness. That means it's no, he doesn't. I live in the city. I have s street uh lights on every street. Well, they don't run them in the forest. That's what I'm saying. I I've never been into a forest where it's pitch black. I've had separation of the trees where I could see the moon or the stars where it's been light enough where I knew what the fuck was going on. You've been somewhere where you couldn't see anything because the stars are. Get the fuck out of here.
SPEAKER_03:Turn on my flashlight and look for my flag.
SPEAKER_02:You gotta hold you gotta hold the microphone, not the wire. There you go.
SPEAKER_03:I'm trying, dude.
SPEAKER_02:There you go. You're holding the wire. Now you're not.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, good. So so I I like to think that I'm not afraid of the dark at all. But there have been times where I went out hunting and I actually woke up on time to go out into the woods. And and when you wake up late, you get out, and there's just like the crack of light where you can where you can see and stuff. But I've been in the woods where it's so dark you can't see your hand in front of you. It's wild, dude. Like it is wild.
SPEAKER_03:I've never been in there the most amount of dark you can possibly you start in a crew of like three going out, and then like someone just kind of like clicks their flashlight and you look over at them, and they're like, I'm going this way.
SPEAKER_02:This is my spot over here.
SPEAKER_03:So you lose one and then you go a little bit further, and the other guy's like, This is my stop here. You're gonna be good. Yeah, you're good.
unknown:I'm good.
SPEAKER_03:And then you start walking yourself and you walk like 20 steps and you're by yourself, and you're you look back and you can't see. Can't see. There's nothing anywhere. And you start to hear you stop, and you hear like or whatever. What is that? You don't know what it is. That's when it gets scary, and you're like, all right, headlamp on, I'm gonna turn my headlamp on. That'll help. It's a fucking bear or something. You don't know. The dark. I don't like it.
SPEAKER_02:It's the dark. I wouldn't then to answer your question, Tony. No, I would not do that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_02:Until a sun can't be.
SPEAKER_01:Especially when you get out like you got a shotgun over your fucking head. If you're lucky enough, like let's just say you get up on time and you get to a tree stand like an hour and a half before it gets light.
SPEAKER_03:And you're in the air.
SPEAKER_01:And it is you you make it up the tree, you you flashlight all the way to your tree, you climb the ladder, you fucking hook your shit up to the to the line, and you pull all your stuff up, you get all situated, that light goes off. Why can't you just and you just sit there for a fucking hour, like an hour and ten minutes in the pitch dark, in the pitch black, and all you can do is hear things around you moving because all the animals are fucking nocturnal. They they just walk.
SPEAKER_02:Alright, I got a question. Okay, you're deer hunting. I gotta go again. What the fuck is the reason a deer hunt in the pitch black?
SPEAKER_03:Because you gotta get up to the spot before the deer wakes up, and then the deer wake up and you get to shoot at SSL. Why don't you just fall back and you're drinking beer by noon and it's the best weekend ever? That's why.
SPEAKER_01:So here's the thing. Deer are are technically on an opposite schedule of people. Their eyes work better in the dark than it does in the dark. Every animal does. Not every animal. Animals' eyes don't work better in the dark. Squirrels, all them kind of animals, they don't fucking really go out.
SPEAKER_02:I didn't know you're a fucking animal protection.
SPEAKER_01:Turkeys on dark night eyeballs. Uh but some animals are extremely nocturnal. And uh so they spend all night feeding. They eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner from dark till dark.
SPEAKER_02:So is this the time where they're not uh vulnerable to attack by something predatorial? Well or predators? They are. Then why do they do that at night? They're they're prone to attack. So predators can't see better, predators can't see better at night.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, most most of their predators are from the dog family, and dogs can go either way. Like you? Yeah, like me on a Saturday. Um so your goal in getting out to the woods early is catching them from where they're eating their dinner to where they're going to sleep for the day. So you're hoping you're in the right spot. I get it. That you catch them in that whatever half mile or whatever that they travel to get from where they finish eating to where they go to bed. Okay, I get it.
SPEAKER_02:I get it.
SPEAKER_01:So you want to be there and invisible by the time it's light enough to shoot at them. You know what it reminds me?
SPEAKER_02:You remind me of my dad. Like I told you I got it, like 16 times. Yeah, but I could tell by the look on your dad.
SPEAKER_01:Maybe your dad can notice this look on your face also.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I don't know. Of complete confusion.
SPEAKER_01:Of complete confusion, and you just going, uh I got it. Let me get back to my I don't think you got it.
SPEAKER_02:Let me get back to my elevator.
SPEAKER_01:Let me start over. God damn it. So here's the thing. Animals. All right, so you're you're in a pitch black elevator. Pitch black elevator, but the good set the scene. What are you wearing? Please say nothing.
SPEAKER_02:The good thing is uh the the the pitch blackness does not last long. The lights turn back on. So thank God for that. So you're like, okay, I'm in the clear. It's somewhat, yeah. Like it's turning back on. I feel like the power just made it. Yeah, rebooted the system. Exactly. Like someone knocked a fuse or something. Yeah. Fucked with the elevator shaft. And I'm ready to go back to my my room. So then I start hearing uh these t.
unknown:What the fuck? What the fuck?
SPEAKER_01:Tick tick tick. I'm like, it sounds like strands of an airline cable. Yeah, that's bad.
SPEAKER_02:Popping one at a time. Okay, so that sound was not not good. It was like someone from other floors were pushing the buttons for the elevator to try to call it, call it to their call it, and they're swearing out loud.
SPEAKER_01:Because they're in the third floor by the elevator door, listening to a very echoed version of a grown man crying with his clogged tear docks. No tears, just all the sounds. Thank you. No tears.
SPEAKER_03:He sounds like he's crying, but he looks fine. I don't know if he's faking it or not.
SPEAKER_02:Nothing's come out of my eyes, just fucking weird sounds. Yes, I I I just hear people clicking the elevators, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, how long have I been in this fucking elevator?
SPEAKER_01:Yelling through the crack of the door, Jeremiah! Is that you?
SPEAKER_02:Jack, John? Yeah, they Jonathan. Uh the so the the running joke is no one knows my name at the apartment building. Yes, they don't. They call me Jack, they call me Jay, everything with this J. Maybe white any white guy name that starts with the J. But J. But just fucking saying J. So I'm stuck in this elevator for probably about like five minutes, and I'm freaking out. I push all the buttons, and then I get uh a hold of uh the emergency, whatever it was, and they're like, Okay, where are you? So this is actually like a direct link to the fire department or I something along the lines, and they're like, Where are you? address this and that. I gave them all the information, and they're like, Okay, we'll send over a crew, blah, blah, blah. Thank you. Okay, so I'm like, Thank God, I'm in the clear. I mean, this is New Berlin.
SPEAKER_01:We're at a like a two-minute window of you know, yeah, they're like, We're sending the crew up from Chicago, they'll be there shortly.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and New Berlin, they they respond within a minute, you know. So after like five minutes, I'm starting to freak out even more. I'm claustrophobic, so it's freaking me out. So then I call my wife. I was like, hey, I'm stuck in the elevator at her place, and I it's not working. And you know where I'm at with my insanity and claustrophobia.
SPEAKER_01:So do something about it. Yeah, she's she's just like she brings the pry bar and just gets the door open a little bit and just like fucking blobs you a Xanax. It's to be okay. It's raining pills. I'm just open my mouth. Tracy's like, you got three hours and 40 minutes to get them out before the Zanny wears off.
SPEAKER_02:So she calls up the uh the uh managers of the apartments and is like, gay, you gotta my my husband's stuck in an elevator and he's claustrophobic. He needs help now. And she's she's like demanding it, and she's really stern with what she does because she and we ever have a problem, she's the one that that that calls.
SPEAKER_03:She's the one who gets all cairned out and starts hollering. Exactly.
SPEAKER_02:So uh the after another half hour goes on, no one shows up, nothing's still happening. I'm on my phone, still freaking out, trying to take my mind off of it. So I'm on my phone playing video games, watching reels, doing everything I can to take my mind off, being stuck in this tiny little fucking elevator.
SPEAKER_03:Staring at the battery that's at 63, 64, 61, 28, getting down there.
SPEAKER_02:And all I can hear is uh my wife pounding on every floor trying to find you. I can just imagine Jason running around. Jason or Jay, are you there?
SPEAKER_00:Jason, he's like, Can you hear my voice? Can you hear it better now? Can you hear it better now? Like, no, you're getting further away. What floor are you on?
SPEAKER_02:So she's I don't know what floor she's I don't know where the fuck I am. I started the first floor, I don't even know if it went up or down. And she's uh so we have okay, so you have the basement, first, second, and third floor. So there's four options. So I don't know where she started, but she started at the wrong fucking spot, so I yelled at her to get closer, but she got further away. And then uh the management came and I could hear them trying to find out where I was too.
SPEAKER_01:I'm like, is there and there's nobody more suitable to deal with an emergency than an apartment building manager. And you know what?
SPEAKER_03:The best thing about Jay giving instructions of where he is.
SPEAKER_02:Like, what do you like? Do you need to send do you need me to send my Apple the location?
SPEAKER_03:You know that floor that's got that thing in the corner that holds that thing in it that's green. Green? That that that that thing that's green that's I can't think I can't. It's not working. You got you got uh so I think you need a new mic.
SPEAKER_02:Uh so they they kind of finally found where it was. And the reason why it was hard to find is because I was in between the first and second floor. And um in that situation you got you got a little bit of a problem because you can't where are you gonna get me? Third floor, second floor.
SPEAKER_01:And the thing is, is if if somebody is trying to rescue you and uh they they enter the shaft of the elevator, and then that elevator turns on, you got a real Liam Neeson type situation. You're riding on the top of an elevator. Yeah, well, it's skyrocketing to the top.
SPEAKER_03:Because if it's not working, you can't expect it to work when you try to stop it either.
SPEAKER_01:And you know, you know, I think I don't know this for sure. I think this might only be true with Otis technology. But if the cable if the cable snaps in an elevator, it goes up, not down. What? Yeah. How's that? It doesn't plummet down.
SPEAKER_02:I think it's if all the straps snap something with the counterweight.
SPEAKER_01:I think that would be impossible.
SPEAKER_02:But you need a counterweight strap, like a cord or something to counterweight it. Yeah, I think what if all the weights, what if all the fucking things strings snap?
SPEAKER_03:Never in my life have I ever heard in a scene in a movie or heard any stories about someone being afraid or elevators going to fly to the top floor.
SPEAKER_01:It's like that's the thing.
SPEAKER_03:I think that's- I do think that there probably there probably is some type of security feature in an elevator that has counterweighting, but I think the part that breaks that you're afraid is gonna fall is that part. I don't think so. Because I think that part breaks.
SPEAKER_01:That part that part breaks, and that's riveting. Everybody at home is trying to figure out what Chris is trying to say.
SPEAKER_03:Anyway, I was looking for a mic. That part breaks, and then that's what causes the elevator to break because it doesn't have its counter weighting anymore, and then it falls to your death. I don't know. That's how they break. That part breaks.
SPEAKER_01:Either way, top or bottom. I'm not trying to be in an elevator shaft with a sketchy elevator. No, no, no. I swear to god, man, them oldest guys risk their lives every day.
SPEAKER_02:Well, I'm getting I'm getting to the point, like, I'm still stuck in this elevator. How do I get out? I'm stuck between two fucking floors. Okay, so I can't get out from the the floor I'm on or the floor above. There's only one way to get out, man. A plasma cutter. No, there's only way to there's only one way to get out. It's the it's the little hole in the top, isn't it? What there was to me when I looked at it, there wasn't a hole. This whole fucking ceiling is metal. Like, I don't know how I'm getting out of this. It felt like I was in a giant cylinder of death.
SPEAKER_01:And uh I guess there's that's exactly what you were in.
SPEAKER_02:I know, but I guess there was uh an area above that I could get.
SPEAKER_03:So the top wasn't just a bunch of lights and like paneling like in an office building. You think it was solid? It is solid, it was solid.
SPEAKER_02:It is solid.
SPEAKER_03:There are like what about the commercial of a specially designed tool to open the top?
SPEAKER_01:No, it did the top. They don't want the Schneider guys riding in their elevators sneaking in and checking out their technology. So was it the cord? Their counter counterweighted technology.
SPEAKER_03:I've replaced the cord, and now I sound probably much better for everyone at home.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, I guess it was the cord. All right, so I'm stuck there. Do me a favor, take that cord before we forget, wind it up, throw it in the trash.
SPEAKER_02:No, that's a long cord, and I think there's nothing wrong with it. It's fucking broken. Okay, anyway. Next. Uh so I'm stuck here. Uh it's it's been a half hour.
SPEAKER_03:Which probably felt like a day.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yeah. It's just like it's like Tony says, it's your body.
SPEAKER_03:You got up at the crack at 10:30, went and got your mail, and now half the day's gone.
SPEAKER_02:Like your your body is leaving your body. Your spirit is leaving your body, and you're just everyone.
SPEAKER_03:Like go up there and tell everyone where I'm at, dude.
SPEAKER_01:So and you're in your spirit body when you have an out-of-body body experience. Are you taller? Every time it happens to me, I look like a you're 6'1 and you're out-of-body experience. Well, motherfucker, if I'm floating, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Every time I'm out of body does, and I look at myself, I look like a 19 late 90s Brad Pitt. It's pretty cool, dude. I'm like, hey, what's up, dude? You look pretty good, man.
SPEAKER_01:Like Angelina Jolie ready, huh? Yeah, dude, I'm like a plus size Leonardo DiCaprio. He actually kind of is plus size right now. He doesn't look too fit. I don't know. I haven't seen him. Leonardo DiCaprio, that's the craziest thing about that dude.
SPEAKER_03:He's been we did a whole segment on him.
SPEAKER_01:He's literally been a sex symbol in Hollywood for 20 fucking years. Oh, no. Way more than 20 years.
SPEAKER_02:Guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01:He's never been fit.
SPEAKER_03:I'll guarantee if you told Tracy that you got this call from your friend who's in Hollywood, who's who knows Leo DiCaprio, who asked you to ask your wife if she could have a hall pass for him, she'd be like, okay, I'll do that.
SPEAKER_02:All right, well if it's for you, Jay, I'll do it. I actually, okay, so when I was about 16 or 17, I had I grew up. You fucked Leo. I had longer hair, and girls used to actually say I look like little. I don't know. I didn't believe this at all. My nose is fucking huge compared to his. I don't look anything like him, but people used to say I look like him. And I that then I asked Tracy from what's hitting Gilbert Gray.
SPEAKER_03:Pretty good. Motherfucker. Got him good, man. Got him good.
SPEAKER_00:Stay thank you, Gilbert! Stay thank you. You fucking dickhead. You stop laughing now.
SPEAKER_02:Stop laughing now.
SPEAKER_00:Stop it. Cut my wife.
SPEAKER_02:What I want what I was gonna finish saying is for some reason people I fogged my safety grass. His safety grass was just gone. People should think I look like him. I don't know why. So I I recently asked Tracy. I'm like, Tracy, did you ever think Leonardo DiCaprio was hot? Never once. Or she said, never once did I think he was hot.
SPEAKER_03:She show him a picture of him now. He's terrible looking. That she's probably into it though.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, anyway. Okay, so I'm stuck in this elevator for a half hour, 45 minutes, an hour, an hour and a half. Now I'm at like I'm coming on two fucking hours. Oh man. I'm coming on two hours. I'm still waiting for anyone to get there.
SPEAKER_03:I'm gonna run out of air in here.
SPEAKER_02:Every single thing you can think about, yes, it happened. I felt like there were spiders crawling on me. I feel like, yeah, I couldn't breathe. I feel like the the walls were closing in. I feel like I was in the fucking thing that stars happen with their fucking trash compact or crawl.
SPEAKER_03:We're just gonna go out to lunch. We'll be right back. The guy's coming with the thing. I feel like no one cared about me.
SPEAKER_02:I feel like they know it's like this what? Who cares about this guy in the Berlin stalking the elevator? Who cares?
SPEAKER_03:They're all in the office printing off signs like elevator out of order so that no one else tries to use it and gets mad.
SPEAKER_02:I feel like every sign on every level was marked off before I was saved. Yes, Chris.
SPEAKER_01:I think that happened. The fire department's like, oh shit, that's probably the good quick trip.
SPEAKER_03:They're like, no, Sydney.
SPEAKER_01:You're over in a parking lot at their little solitary bistro table, all eat on Sydney.
SPEAKER_03:I need you to go back to the office and reprint these centers text. We can't have it read left. It's gotta be centerset text. Go put the new signs up and then we'll start trying to get Jay out of here.
SPEAKER_02:So it was probably about an hour and 45 minutes before I finally found out something might happen. Because the maintenance guy from the I don't know if they call it a different apartment or if it was the old folks' home that's close to ours. Someone came from somewhere else with something that could actually try to open these doors.
SPEAKER_01:He he actually was watching you on the camera in the elevator on his phone and shut the elevator down so he could have time to get out of your apartment. Yeah, whatever. Before he got up there.
SPEAKER_02:So I heard someone fucking with the doors and trying to get it open. So I was like, finally, oh my god, you don't understand what an hour and 45 minutes can do to your life, your body, your mentality, or your sanity.
SPEAKER_03:Being stuck is tough.
SPEAKER_02:It's like okay, first off, you're claustrophobic. Second off, you can't go anywhere.
SPEAKER_01:You're done, you're stuck. Dude, when I was a kid, I thought that was gonna be the theme of my entire life. I thought you're gonna go to prison, be stuck in his salad. No, I I thought when I was a kid that there was not gonna be an instance where I was anywhere and I wasn't getting slightly stuck in quicksand. Oh, that was yeah. I still I I had a fear about that as well. Like I hate I'm not sure what for years. It was on every fucking TV show. Indiana Jones? Quicksand was like the most common uh thing that somebody got stuck in the world.
SPEAKER_02:It would look like real a real floor until you walked in it. Bro, I didn't know what's wrong with you guys.
SPEAKER_01:I didn't know that our world was actually so void of quicksand. There isn't any anywhere.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, there's a lot of it. There's never quicksand.
SPEAKER_02:A lot of it.
SPEAKER_03:Dude, I've been in so many different types of sand, and none of them have been very none of them have been quick.
SPEAKER_02:None of them. None of them have been quick. I watched a story of someone in Florida digging a hole, and there's a lot of uh what did they call these that sink into the ground? Sinkholes, sinkholes. I answered my own question. Fuck. Okay, so they dug a big hole, and these fucking kids were standing in this hole, and all of a sudden, you know, the water from the waves came in, and the sand started collapsing on them, and they got stuck. And literally, there was that's not quicksand though. Yeah, true, but it was still sand in a room. And no one could get them out. It was scary. I was scared watching it.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. No one can get them out. They literally created their own quicksand pit. Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_03:So it's been an hour and forty-five minutes. The lights are on, people are pounding on doors. Jay's phone's about to die.
SPEAKER_01:Well, let's make it work. Let's say we yeah, I wouldn't. I need a bell, plug it in.
SPEAKER_03:I had one of those muffins that makes me need to poop.
SPEAKER_02:I gotta go. Oh, imagine if I had a shit too, really bad. Well, two hours is a good.
SPEAKER_03:No, range of having to pee again.
SPEAKER_02:I think if I had to shit, I think I would have just shit.
SPEAKER_03:In an elevator, you have that call though, like, wait, I'm the only one.
SPEAKER_02:I would have done what Tony did in his his school class. I would have shit.
SPEAKER_03:Where are you gonna put the shit, bro?
SPEAKER_01:Firefighters open.
SPEAKER_02:Where are you gonna put it? One corner. One corner.
SPEAKER_03:Four corners. It's four by four. Four by four, dude. It's gonna stink.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I can handle my own shit smell.
SPEAKER_01:Oh no. Dude, could you just imagine? You know, 40 minutes into it, they get it open. You're standing in your own piss.
SPEAKER_03:Gone completely feral. He's dancing around, ripped shirts, they're wrapped around his head with headbands, arms with armbands.
SPEAKER_01:Squatting against the wall.
SPEAKER_03:He's got a small fire going.
SPEAKER_01:Using the wall to keep you up, just shitting out, forming a triangled corner of this elevator, two fresh Puma socks. I don't have that wiping your ass.
SPEAKER_02:So I'm I'm um letting known that I can't get out the doors. There's no possible way of opening them. There's no power to it. The elevator, the elevator is completely dysfunctional.
SPEAKER_03:You're like, you're just gonna leave it here forever?
SPEAKER_02:What do you mean it doesn't work? So, yes, I'm kind of crying, asking that question, Chris.
SPEAKER_01:What onus is already there putting a new elevator next to the broken one?
SPEAKER_03:Don't worry about that noise. It's the new shaft we're drilling for the new elevator through the floors.
SPEAKER_01:Really came through for the building.
SPEAKER_02:I'm thinking to myself, how then am I getting out of here? How? And they said, one of the guys, the maintenance guys, is like, I know there is a compartment above the elevator shaft. And I was like, wait, do you know? Or is there one? He's like, I think there's one. I'm like, that doesn't help, man. That doesn't help. And I called him a name. I didn't I didn't even know his name. I said, Rich! Jeffrey! I just said a name. I just yelled out a name. And uh he's like, okay, then I knew he had like a plan. He had a plan of getting me out. A couple minutes went by. He got the door from I think a two, like the third story, the the third story up. So like he got one of the doors up, open, and he climbed down to the elevator. I heard someone above me. I was like a little relieved because now finally, you know, there's something happening where uh I don't know.
SPEAKER_03:Someone else is kind of stuck too now. You're not stuck alone. This other guy's kind of stuck in here too.
SPEAKER_02:I didn't think about that, Chris, but yes, that could have been a situation. He's stuck too. He's down here now, too. But no, he knocked in the ceiling. He's like, there's a way out. And I got excited more than ever you think. He's like, it's through Jesus Christ, our Lord Savior. He's like, there's there's a way out. But I was like, there's a problem. And he's like, what's that? And it's like the ceiling is like eight feet high. How am I gonna get out of a ceiling that high? Parkour! So there there are there are handle uh giant handles on each side of the elevator on a parkour, you trade like Tony just said, maybe I can get out that way. But the way the ceiling was like constructed, it was like right in the middle of the elevator where you couldn't just like you had to like propel yourself off the wall and up. Like you can't just go up. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, I see, I see what you're saying. Like you know, it's the crazy completely middle of the fucking elevator.
SPEAKER_01:You're like, it's an eight-foot ceiling, you know. I could without going on my tippy toes, I can touch an eight foot.
SPEAKER_02:You can't touch how tall is this ceiling here?
SPEAKER_01:Nine. No, this is this is eight.
SPEAKER_02:Oh stand up and touch it. You've only got to see pushed on the lights. Okay. Yeah, but guess what? You're barely touching the ceiling. I'm not even on my tipping tall. I know, but your tips of your fingers are touching. Okay? Yes. I'm not even fully extended. Okay. Place palm in the ceiling. You want me to fucking do it and see how far it takes me to get up there?
SPEAKER_03:And you not only have to remember, Tony can't tell how tall people are, man.
SPEAKER_02:Now remember that's not only 100%. It's not only touching the ceiling, Tony. It's fucking grabbing and getting out of it. That's another thing. Yeah, you gotta jump. So, how do I do that without having to be being able to even touch the ceiling? So there's no way I'm pulling my body weight out of it. Throw me a rope. Give me a ladder.
SPEAKER_01:Do something that can help me get up higher. He fuck he fucking trickles down a piece of dental floss. He's like, Remember the ropes class in gym.
SPEAKER_02:So he uh eventually, after like probably another 20 minutes, gets the shaft, the ceiling open. And uh again, I'm seeing it.
SPEAKER_03:So it opened from above as well.
SPEAKER_02:From above, yeah, from above, and he slipped the thing to the side. And this shaft is like if you were fat, like Tony, um I'm sorry, not Tony. If you were overwhelmed, I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:I see I can't get through. I've seen these manholes, dude. I'd be rubbing titty against them for sure. Your tits, your nipples would be removed from being pulled out of them. Yeah, they're there for emergencies and for getting carpet up to the floors.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, you can't it it didn't make sense to me. And uh he all I hear all here is I got the thing open. I saw it, and all of a sudden I see a fucking arm go down. Take my arm! I'm like, what? Grab my good hand. That's what I and all you I think about that now. I didn't think about it then because I was terrified. But I think what's in like putting it. Give me your good hand. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking about. That fucking uh scary movie, fucking the best fucking Chris Elliott. Yeah, give me your strong hands.
SPEAKER_03:Take my strong hands is like his only I didn't even say it right, and you guys knew what it was. Yes, it's his most famous line.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, it's the best fucking funniest thing ever.
SPEAKER_03:There's so many different movies.
SPEAKER_01:Cameoed in him, been it's crazy that he's one of the least attractive people I've ever seen in my life. He really is, but he's so good at that.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, he's so good.
SPEAKER_02:Uh every comedian is not attractive except for you know the very peculiar ones. Because, you know, you gotta be like not good looking to be funny, right? Yeah. Or short, like Kevin Hart. Yeah. So he like I said, reaches his hand down. He's like, take my hand. I'm like, what? What how? I can't even know. Like, how you gonna lift me up in the air through this fucking tiny hole?
SPEAKER_03:He probably thought you were a child down there. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Until he's so from above?
SPEAKER_03:Until he's so late down there.
SPEAKER_01:He's yelling down the shaft. You're not gonna be late for school tomorrow, Jason. I guarantee it. Shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_03:So what did he throw down like a bunch of couch cushions for you to stand on or something?
SPEAKER_01:I had to He's dropping phone books one by one.
SPEAKER_00:Build a staircase. Have you learned how to stack you?
SPEAKER_02:I just laughed so hard I farted. That hurt too, kind of. Who has phone books, Tony? What the fuck is this? This ain't 90s. Get the fuck out of here. No, I had to, yeah, like Tony said, parkour. I had to put my legs on the sides where they had the handrails and kind of like Did you leave the mail inside of the or did you bring the mail?
SPEAKER_03:Like, I'm still gonna bring the mail. You shove it into your fucking belt.
SPEAKER_02:You gotta deliver the mail. I had you know what I went down there to do something. I'm not gonna not do it. And that's why your whole family calls you Kyram alone now. I put that shit in my in my in my pants and I bring it up there. Yes, I did, Chris. I did not leave it there because I didn't know how long this elevator would be fucking commission. I don't want anybody stealing my mail.
SPEAKER_01:So he You're like, I think I actually won publisher's clearinghouse.
SPEAKER_02:So I double fisted his hands with both mine and just held on tight. He started to lift me up, I fell to the ground. And I was like, dude, this is not gonna work. It's not gonna work. He's like, Don't worry, man, it'll work. Give me your hand. Says the same exact thing, same sound, same everything. Like, Jesus Christ, what are you? This isn't gonna work. It's like I've seen it in movies, man. Give me your hand. He didn't have anything to say to me other than give me your hand. So I did it again. And finally, like out of nowhere, this fucking guy turned into fucking Hercules and pulled my ass up. I got in that's hard. That's like a 60-pound deadlift, dude. I got halfway up that thing. It's like three sacks of taters. All he had to do was like lean over to the side, and I was above the elevator.
SPEAKER_03:Grab my arm. I've been taking one trips from the car to the house for years.
SPEAKER_02:Like he did, his one arm was big. It was it was big. But you know what? He didn't get me in the first try. So I disagree with what he had gripped. His psychology was thick.
SPEAKER_01:He probably thought you let go.
SPEAKER_03:He's like, give me your fucking hand again.
SPEAKER_01:He's like, Don't worry, this arm's strong enough. This is the arm I jerk off with.
SPEAKER_02:And all I could see after I got out of the darkness of the cave of the fucking elevator was my family looking at like, I just five double. How far up was the?
SPEAKER_00:How far you get out of the shaft and Tracy is like I want a divorce. So how far up was the actual exit?
SPEAKER_01:I could just see all fucking four of them standing up there, arms crossed.
SPEAKER_03:Got a paper and a pen. Sign this divorce.
SPEAKER_01:The youngest kid looks at the middle, kid. Can you believe this motherfucker? No. It's not my dad. When I fucking mission it possible, I could do it myself. No, it's like the first time Ricky Bobby lost a race. And his wife's immediately get married to Cal. Sorry. Only day winners. Only day winners.
SPEAKER_02:So when I when I got when I got on top of the elevator, there was another four feet before I get to the next level. So I'm not, I don't see anyone until I get on my knees getting out of the elevator. And then, like I said, I looked up. And then my all my kids are looking at me.
SPEAKER_01:This is a time where the where the elevator flips back on and you majestically rise up. They just see your head coming up from the open door.
SPEAKER_02:I've seen so many movies where someone is half out of the elevator and they get just ripped in half. And all that's that's like the next thing I'll I'll the only thing I thought about was how am I getting out of this elevator? It should have stayed in the box without getting ripped in half. Because I had to climb up four, like I had to four feet is kind of high, okay? I had to help my.
SPEAKER_01:Did anybody start a slow clap? Or no, yeah, they did.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, the residence.
SPEAKER_02:Dude, I had I had like 15 people down the hallway. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Everyone was clap doors. They're like, you hear about that guy John?
SPEAKER_01:They're like, Jonathan made it out of the elevator. Did you hear what happened?
SPEAKER_03:John, I thought it was Jerry. No, it's Johnny. It's not Johnny, that's Johnny.
SPEAKER_02:Everyone does know my name. Jeremiah. Yeah, there was there was a silent one. But it was a really peculiar clap. Like, should we really clap? I mean, what really happened? What did he do? Yeah, like what really? But it was a clap.
SPEAKER_01:A sweaty mess of anxiety rolling out of the open door.
SPEAKER_02:When I came out, I felt like crying his flip-flops, his wife's fucking pants. When I came out of the elevator, I felt like I just survived 9-11. Yeah. And I was not dirty, though. Crazy, dude. Full of smoke.
SPEAKER_03:I've never been stuck in an elevator.
SPEAKER_02:But that was the worst uh experience of my life. And I can imagine that if this was something where like it was like a skyscraper or something really tall where like literally someone had to propel themselves down, yeah, I would be apt.
SPEAKER_03:So how long after that did you get on an elevator again?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I haven't I've gone up the stairs since.
SPEAKER_03:No way.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:My brother got stuck in an elevator, or maybe his friend was the one who got stuck, but his friend was in there as well with him, or my brother knows of the story. Or he was waiting maybe for his elevator to come down. So it was after a concert at the MGM Grand, and all of the kids, all the guys in the concert were in the elevator and they were all jumping and all this shit, and they like busted it stopped. And then like the security came and they're like, Oh, it's the fucking override. Stop jumping in the elevator. They pushed the button and let him down. So it wasn't that dramatic. It didn't last that long. But they were crammed in their like sardines, like arm-to-arm. Jumping up and down. They were trying, they were fucking raucous, raucous, right? So finally he comes off the elevator. I think that's what my brother was waiting for him. Finally comes off the elevator and immediately gets right on an elevator and takes it up to his room. You didn't even care. He was on an elevator, he was stalked, nearly died, all these people, the whole thing. But it wasn't that long of an event that he was stuck, so he just got right back on it.
SPEAKER_02:Well, think about this though, Chris. He knew the reason of the defect on the elevator. I don't know what the fuck happened.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_02:He knew that these motherfuckers were in the middle of the day.
SPEAKER_03:No way I would get right back on the same elevator in the same, like next to the elevator. No, you're right.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, because it could affect like all the things. It's the same. They're always the other. It's all one. It's like a disease.
SPEAKER_03:It affects the other elevators.
SPEAKER_01:I'm going to tell you this right now. I've never had a quote unquote bad experience on an elevator, mainly because of you know the oldest thing. But um idiot. I'm gonna tell you the most nervous I've ever been on an elevator is so when I go to Las Vegas, I usually stay at this place called the Excalibur.
SPEAKER_03:Ben, yep.
SPEAKER_01:It's the shittiest place in the nicest area.
SPEAKER_03:$72 for three nights. Oh, hell no, you get$100. You get$150 in gambling credits.
SPEAKER_02:Wait, say again? How much? Well, that's like the fees.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, the resort fees. You pay like$15 resort fee per night kind of thing.
SPEAKER_02:No, say again.
SPEAKER_03:It was like$75 for three nights with taxes, resort fee, the whole thing.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah, they give it to you for free. Oh, because they want you to waste money on the casino. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01:They don't do that every casino? No. Not all of them. Not all the time either. So my convention is at uh Mandalay Bay.
SPEAKER_03:That one's connected with the monorail.
SPEAKER_01:So there's a monorail that's free to take. It comes every five minutes, and it goes the almost two miles between these three hotels. And it goes uh Mandalay Bay, Luxor, which is the big pyramid, and Xcaliber, which is the absolute fucking dump. So if I go on my MGM. I think I blew it up. If I go on my MGM app, um basically the way it works is Excalibur is free anytime I want to go for however long I want to go for. I mean, like$45.
SPEAKER_03:What's the difference? Right. You just gotta go down to the desk and ask them to refund the fee and they will.
SPEAKER_01:And uh if I go to Luxer, I pay about$40 a night. What? It's a little bit nicer. If I go to Mandalay Bay, it can be anywhere.$1,700 a night. It can be last convention, uh the the nightly rate was like$680. Oh, that's the cheapest? Yeah. With with my with my players' reward points.
SPEAKER_02:So give me uh a one through ten for that six hundred dollar knife line.
SPEAKER_01:Mandalay bait, like overall, is probably a six or a seven. That's forty dollars? No, that's six hundred and six. Okay, so what's the forty dollar one? How much is what what the forty dollar one, Luxer in the middle, yeah, is probably like a four, maybe. So you're you're only losing two points for uh an excaliber is maybe like a three. I would Jesus, dude. That's not bad. So I always stay in the Xcaliber because it's free. Yeah, and that monorail stay in a shithole. Yeah, it the monorail takes me exactly where I need to go. Like how shitty is it though? Like a Motel 8. It's way nicer than a Motel.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, so then it's not bad.
SPEAKER_01:It's not bad. Nothing wrong with it. But you know, if you go down, if you go down, I I don't know if you've ever been to Vegas, but there's a strip and it's it seems like it's about two miles long of hotels, but it's like 10, 15 miles. And I mean there's a couple hotels on there that are$2,000 a night.
SPEAKER_04:They're much amazing, though.
SPEAKER_01:They're they're fucking beautiful. But uh Xcaliber is the shittiest hotel in the nicest area. So that's where I usually stay. But last year I stayed at the Luxer. Uh which is which is a little closer to management. How much is that one? It was like 40 bucks a night. Okay, so it doesn't matter. And and I was paying for I was paying for uh three or four rooms. So um it just it it just made sense. Say like, hey guys stay there.
SPEAKER_02:You're like, hey, hey employees, I got a little extra dough. We're not staying at the free one, giving you a$40 night one. So we got an extra point.
SPEAKER_01:So the thing was is we would have stayed at Excalibur, but we couldn't get a room. We couldn't get the it was three rooms. We couldn't get three rooms on the same floor. So why does that matter? Well, because I'm there with my boys, like and Luxer guaranteed me three rooms in a row. It doesn't matter. You hang out in someone's room and you go to bed. Fuck. Um but anyway. Right, Chris? Uh so we stayed there, and uh it was one of the guys' first it was my brother Joel's first time going on an airplane, staying at a fucking real hotel. Like he had a lot of firsts. Um how much was she? Uh they're really reasonable. Yeah. Especially if you tell him it's your first thing. You could you could get one, no internal damage, but something like crabs, like 30 bucks. Gross. Gross. You always tell me about the why are you telling this story though? If you're losing me. You know, when it comes to hookers in Vegas, if you're willing to take open box, you can get it for like half price. Yeah, yeah. But I think you might be getting too much. We decided to stay in the in the pyramid rather than the big tower.
SPEAKER_03:The thing about hookers in Vegas is if you make them think you got money, but when they when you fall asleep and they try to rob you and there's a note in your wallet that says, Gotcha, bitch, she was free. Yeah. Because some of them will come back to you pretending they're not hookers just so they can rob you.
SPEAKER_02:And if you doesn't a pimp come up to you and say, Where's the money for that night, bitch?
SPEAKER_03:No, these kind of girls don't got no pimps. What?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I had to explain to the people I was with that was their first time in Vegas that do trust me. She doesn't like you. She doesn't like you.
SPEAKER_03:No matter how pretty, how ugly, how nice she thinks she is, how you think she might be a man, she don't like you. Ew, yeah. That's the scary thing, though.
SPEAKER_01:Anyone could be a man. But the the pyramid tower elevators don't run up and down.
SPEAKER_03:What? They they run on chug chug chug chug.
SPEAKER_01:Why? They because it's in a pyramid. Oh. So they start at the first floor and then they tell you it's like a 36-degree angle. That's fucking well.
SPEAKER_02:You know what? I that's better than going up. It's down directly down and directly up. And it is that fall would be way easier.
SPEAKER_01:So fucking crazy. Like holding your balance going on this thing. But wouldn't the fall be way less extreme? Well, I don't know. I think they go straight up. What are you talking about? You know, if something breaks, I think they go straight up, straight out the roof. Oh, you're saying shoot out the fucking ceiling? Yeah, right out that light shining up at top of the point. I don't know. I don't know elevators. I'll call my guy from Otis.
SPEAKER_03:The scariest elevator I was ever in was on uh the arch. Because that one goes up, then over, then up, then over, then up, then over. Because it's an arch.
SPEAKER_02:But I want to understand though, like how is that uh how is that engineered? I don't I feel like that is like the most importantly. I guess. I mean, don't you think that would cost a fortune to do something like that?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:But do they have the money though?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, it's the go yeah. It's the what? They already did it. It's already done. No, what what what is it? What did you say about it? Well, the U.S. government built the arch. What is it? The arch? Yeah, the arch in St. Louis. Oh, the arch. Gateway to the west. I've never been there.
SPEAKER_01:I thought it was the gateway to fentanyl. No.
SPEAKER_03:So I guess that's it, Jay. Tell them about elevators.
SPEAKER_02:I would say that uh if you uh ever experience an elevator that you don't trust, just take the stairs. Take the stairs. Take the stairs because you know what? You're way safer.
SPEAKER_03:Here at Top Shelf Stories, you'd like to teach you a lesson. Lessons.
SPEAKER_02:This lesson, take the stairs. It's more exercise and makes your heart safe and uh your body safe. So just do it. Good night!
