Three Friends, One Mic, And The Chaos Of Drunken Nights

A chaotic cold open turns into a candid look at how alcohol rewrites intentions, how jokes stretch boundaries, and how friendship survives the fallout. We trade campfire war stories, argue about consent and context, drift through celebrity and movie tangents, and end on the question of what should actually make the cut.

• campfire tackle retold as “just having fun”
• work party chaos and broken tables
• hugs vs consent and reading the room
• shock humor, taste, and timing on mic
• fame, protest moves, and culture shock
• fuzzy movie memories and safe nostalgia
• secret tech boxes vs open info
• the cost of authenticity when recording

Transcript

Cold Open And Botched Intros

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony, and the Amazon.

SPEAKER_03 0:23

What's up, homos? Great. You come to my You might want to hit it again. Come on, get out of here.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

I don't want to start a podcast with you calling me a homo. Top shelf stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

What's up, Fags? That's the worst one. Why do you have to do this? He can't not. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's when you actually see the music again.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

That one you can't say. No. This is not how you do this, Jay.

SPEAKER_03 1:03

No, I'm I'm just telling you about sneaky.

The Campfire Tackle Story

SPEAKER_00 1:06

I didn't mean to actually try to make it. So the first time I ever was around Jay when he got drunk.

SPEAKER_03 1:13

You know, it was probably the best fucking time you ever had. It was like a new life for you.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

I'm so bored of my dumb shit. I watched him try to fight a man twice his size. Now the man wasn't considerably big. He was just a normal sized man, but compared to Jay, it was fucking insane. It was David and Goliath type shit. Right. I never ever sitting around a fire pit and he started trying to fight this gigantic man by running up and tackling him for no reason. Not related. There was no conversation. There was no argument. There was no anything.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

It was like Jay's like first off, I know this story had a couple drinks.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

It would be a great time to tackle it.

SPEAKER_03 2:00

I know this story that you're trying to portray. And no, this is my brother-in-law, and I was fucking having fun with him. I wasn't trying to fight him. If I tried to fight him, he'd be bloody, bleeding, and dying.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

I think he broke your ribs. Yeah. I've never had my ribs broke. Fractured at least. Ever. You laid on the ground for so long. That's called playing dead. Did you ever hear of a possum? So, yeah, so Jay ended up, you know, things happened. You know, a couple minutes passed, some things happened. And it was just Jay laying in the grass going, uh, I'm waiting for them to kill me. I'm waiting for because he burnt a shirt in the in the campfire because he said, My mom bought me this shirt and threw it into the fire.

SPEAKER_03 2:56

I want to I want to hear what Chris has to say because I feel like he has to say something. I wasn't there. I know, but just say something.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

So this is what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_03 3:04

I'm gonna let Tony go here.

Work Party Meltdown

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Come on, Chris, this is what I'm saying. Tell him to shut up. I thought that was an isolated incident, and then I got drunk with or I I was wrong when you got drunk. No, no, no, really, and it was more of the same. And then and then remember that time uh 11 months ago when you got shit faced at my company work party and you don't even work for us, and you tried to fight me in a bar. Oh, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 3:32

It wasn't fighting, it's love. I was all involved. I was all about love. Yes, I know It was all love. And you guess what? Every table there had problems because I fell into all of them.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're just when you drink, you're really aggressive, and when Chris drinks, no, he's really fun. But listen to me, I don't I'm not aggressive.

SPEAKER_03 3:53

It's just different. But Tony, you don't understand.

SPEAKER_00 3:56

Jay, you don't understand you're the most aggressive person I've ever met.

SPEAKER_03 4:00

Trying to give a giant a hug when you're a midget is a little different. Yeah, I had to jump at you. So when I jump at you when you're not looking to give you a hug, you took it the wrong way and you threw me off like a ragdoll.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

I know. You made me sexually uncomfortable. How? I tried to give you a hug. Um friends give friends hugs. You know, I I don't know, man. When an when another grown man starts grabbing your penis in front of your wife, no, not gonna get really weird. That didn't happen. I got seven people that can verify this.

SPEAKER_03 4:36

Guess what? We were shaking hands. I missed. You missed. And my hand was at the level of your wiener. So what am I gonna do? Shake your hand or shake your wiener? You got all bags. You got all bag. Your bag is so big compared to your wiener. That's the problem. This is the problem that we had.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

It's like my wiener's pretty well drained.

Boundaries, Hugs, And Lines Crossed

SPEAKER_02 5:03

It could be a vagina in front of Jay's face, and he wouldn't be able to eat it because she's there. The guy can't eat anything in front of anybody. I just said I don't like chocolate.

SPEAKER_03 5:13

How did that go from not like chocolate? Who knows?

SPEAKER_02 5:23

This show is for your children.

SPEAKER_03 5:24

Does a vagina taste like chocolate?

SPEAKER_02 5:25

We need to put a radio edit symbol in front of this one.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

Wait, does a vagina taste like chocolate?

SPEAKER_02 5:31

Depends what she ate. Oh, I don't know. I I've never had one taste like chocolate, not like this chocolate. Okay, I was gonna say This guy hit record right as we were about to eat some chocolate I got here.

SPEAKER_03 5:42

No, I I uh you started talking about vaginas, and actually, no, I hit it right before that.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

I watched you. It was intentional.

SPEAKER_03 5:50

I know, I saw you looking up glancing over. You glanced like three times and make sure it was recording.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

I waited for it to be on record before I used up that good one.

SPEAKER_03 5:59

I was gonna say, uh every color's skin, like a black woman's vagina, tastes different than a white woman's vagina.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Well, I've always heard the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Ooh, that's a good one.

SPEAKER_03 6:13

I don't know if that's true. So blacker the skin, the sweeter the juice? Outside here. So what uh we're gonna have to put out a poll. So uh what's the whitest white a person can be? What nationality is that? Albino.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

You could be albino, though.

SPEAKER_03 6:32

What did you say? So what would uh what would uh uh albino taste like then? If it's darker the cherry, the sweeter the juice.

SPEAKER_02 6:43

According to that, it would be not very juicy.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

It'd be sour, very yeasty.

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Okay. I'm glad we got us on record. That's the most disgusting thing in the world. Still chewing. If uh can't hit the air, and if it does, the people that listen to this better be paying us. Let me ask you this. They gotta be paying us money.

Food Tangents And Awkward Comparisons

SPEAKER_03 7:03

This this is a question for both of you. Have you ever been so horny you had sex with your wife with either a yeast infection or uh on the the period? No.

SPEAKER_02 7:14

No, I'm not so if you were don't kiss and tell, Jay.

SPEAKER_03 7:18

Okay, but if you were horny and you couldn't help it, I've actually never been horny. Because Tony, you don't masturbate. Right. So you gotta relieve yourself somehow. I've never been horny. Never been horny? Nah. You said these are your golden years. You need to get rid of all this juice. All that juice inside of you.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

Your powers are like that Arctic man who can just slow this heart rate and not get cold. Yeah. Like you can just like do something, like think about your wiener, and then you're not gonna get horny or something. Like, I don't understand. You don't like sports, so it's not like you're thinking about baseball.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

If I feel it coming on, I just start thinking about Rosie O'Donnell.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

Oh man. The new Rosie O'Donnell when she's old, like now. No, I haven't seen it. Or like Rosie and Rosie.

SPEAKER_00 8:09

That's not the same person.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

What is Rosie O'Donnell ever did? Is she a comedian? That's funny. She was at one time. Was she in movies? Yeah. She had uh political stunt.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

No, no, you're thinking of uh uh Kamala Harris complaining Roseanne Barr and and uh Rosie O'Donnell Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell did what? She funny? Is that her kick, her star?

SPEAKER_03 8:39

She was in that baseball movie. Remember? Yeah, Sandlot.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

She was a red-headed fat. She was a fat kid. That's what I heard.

SPEAKER_03 8:50

She still looks like.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

I don't know. I don't make it to the credits. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:55

No, Rosie O'Donnell is the one that hates Trump and wants to move. Well, I think she moved out of the country already.

SPEAKER_02 9:02

Yeah, how many people moved out of the country when they said they're whoever? If that guy gets elected, I'm out of here. 10%. I think 10%?

SPEAKER_03 9:12

A fraction of a percent. Percent. Yeah, one tenth of one percent. I heard a couple of them moved out, though. Like I said, Rosie Adana, I think she moved out, but she came back now. I think. Where are you gonna go?

SPEAKER_00 9:25

She moved over to Iraq and realized it was way better under Trump.

SPEAKER_02 9:29

Like somebody like her or f somebody who's popular enough that we would know that they said that, because like I could say that, no one would freaking know. Because we get, you know, we're not famous yet. But they're gonna go to another country where they become a normal person, not a celebrity anymore. And they don't live in a gay.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

And not only that, and they don't have operating everywhere else in the world. You move there, you're a foreigner.

SPEAKER_02 10:00

Yeah, that too.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

You don't even speak to you the one being discriminated, you don't even pay taxes. Get out of my country. I just imagine being a fucking Caucasian white male, or even worse, female, and and like fuck this place. I'm moving T Iran.

SPEAKER_02 10:17

It would be a culture shock for some people for sure.

SPEAKER_03 10:20

But someone like Rosie O'Donnell, she's famous everywhere, so she would be. Is she yeah. I mean, I guess I just don't know people. Come on, I mean that baseball movie was hit. Yeah, a league of their own.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

I think it's like Madonna in it.

SPEAKER_03 10:34

It was a hit. Yeah, Madonna was in it. Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks. You don't there's no crime in baseball.

unknown 10:41

What?

SPEAKER_03 10:41

Huh? I thought it was all chicks. Yeah, Tom Hanks. He was the fucking coach. Coach. The Yeah, the baseball team. He was the coach. Weird. Whatever. That movie, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

Why couldn't Tom Hanks go to war in that game in that movie? Do you know what? I don't remember.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

Oh yeah, because uh well and I think also too that he was an ex-professional baseball player, so he he didn't have to. He was a celebrity. Oh, so he decided he he dodged? Yeah, he he was he was uh what's the word for it? How do you drift skip the draft?

SPEAKER_02 11:22

Or was it like your job is to do this? Thanks for joining the army.

SPEAKER_03 11:27

Maybe that would that was the reason why he he he was mad.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

Ah shit, I gotta coach some girls how to play baseball. What a concept. They don't make movies like that anymore. What are the stupid movies they make now are all AI and like do you ever see did you guys see the new Predator movie?

SPEAKER_03 11:45

See like that. Actually, that's that's that's not oh yeah, you you have to go to theater to see and watch it. Side my box. It's pretty good. It's pretty slick.

SPEAKER_02 11:54

I gotta get one of these boxes, man.

SPEAKER_03 11:55

It's pretty slick. Yeah, I know. I would I've been trying to, but Toy never sends me that the uh the name of it. You have to physically go he wants to keep it to himself.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

You have to physically go to Seven Mile Fair. No, you don't. You do. No. Yep. You can buy them on Amazon. I asked you so many times.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

Everyone says they're fine on Amazon. You're the only one who says that. Everyone I tell them, like, I'm gonna send someone to Seven Mile Fair.

SPEAKER_03 12:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:20

No one does.

SPEAKER_03 12:22

I can't I can't go there. I'm not uh I'm an illegal there. I'm not a member.

SPEAKER_02 12:26

It's like Sam's Club. I'm not a member.

SPEAKER_03 12:28

If I go there, I'll be. I mean, I needed like security. I feel like I'll get I'll get beat up.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

I'm pretty sure if you go there wearing what you're wearing, you'll be fine.

SPEAKER_03 12:37

Wait, what?

Celebrity Talk And Moving Abroad

SPEAKER_00 12:39

You'll be fine. It's not an Armenian swap meet.

SPEAKER_02 12:47

Oh that's good stuff. We gotta turn this thing off. We this isn't even real.