Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Office Talk Without The Filter
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
We start with a Braveheart tattoo and end up asking why work makes normal people talk like lawyers. Along the way, we vent about HR training, office politics, email-only coworkers, and how direct conversations solve problems faster than a paper trail war.
• the Braveheart quote behind the tattoo and why it matters
• how joking about someone’s appearance plays differently at work
• HR videos, “appropriateness,” and the strange scripts people learn
• leadership realities like firing someone versus handling harassment claims
• why corporate speak feels fake and confrontation feels forbidden
• handling petty workplace conflicts by putting people in the room
• email documentation as protection and as avoidance
• calling first, then sending a recap “receipt” for clarity
Podcast every Tuesday.
Welcome To Top Shelf Stories
SPEAKER_00Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony. What's up everybody? Welcome to Top Shelf Stories. How are you doing today, guys? Pretty good. I'm a little distracted right now.
SPEAKER_03Because the cameras are on? No, because I need to know. I
The Braveheart Tattoo Explained
SPEAKER_03I never asked them. That red blob tattooed inside of your arm. What does it say in it? Blob blob.
SPEAKER_02It is a quote from my favorite movie, uh uh Braveheart. It says, Every man dies, but not every man really lives. Okay.
SPEAKER_03That makes sense.
SPEAKER_02It's a quote, it's a quote to live by.
SPEAKER_00Can you say it in your braveheart voice uh accent? How long have you had that? Hold on, let him do his accent.
SPEAKER_03Uh I had this uh not too long, like a year. A year? You were obviously skinnier when you got it. Shut up. It's all distorted now.
SPEAKER_02You mean it's got bigger muscles now? Every man dies, but not every man really lives.
SPEAKER_00And who says it? Val Gibson?
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00What's his uh name in the show?
SPEAKER_02Uh Cecil. Uh now you're fucking me up now. I can't think of it. Uh it is uh William Wallace.
SPEAKER_00William Wallace, I think that's right. That rings a belly.
SPEAKER_04William Wallace!
SPEAKER_00That is a great movie. There's a part in that movie. Uh is there a part of the movie where the guy gets hit by like a whole fucking cannonball or rock, or is that one of the Civil War ones?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you're thinking of like uh the one with Mel Gibson where uh Passion of the Christ.
SPEAKER_00Which is the same guy, right? That we're just talking about.
SPEAKER_02Same guy, but yeah, they didn't have cannonballs back in the break.
SPEAKER_00I know, but that's that's Gettysburg, maybe.
SPEAKER_02No, it was uh the what the fuck is I can't even think of it now. I can't think of it, but yeah, I know we're talking about so awkward.
SPEAKER_03That's the cut for your short, right? Yeah, there it is.
SPEAKER_00That's the cut for the short. Thanks for tuning in. That's what go to commercial.
When Jokes Cross The Line
SPEAKER_00You know what? Here's we're back from commercial.
SPEAKER_02Here's the thing that pisses me off about Tony sometimes. He can't just say, hey, what's that nice looking tattoo? What's that fucking blob on your face? What's this for?
SPEAKER_01What's that fucking ugly looking blob? Aren't we entertainment?
SPEAKER_02Did you shit in your arm and then wipe something on and draw a fucking marker? Because that's what it looks like, Jay.
SPEAKER_03Jay. That's weird. I should have said all that, but I didn't. I just said, what does it say in that blob in your arm? Yeah. But I sounded just like you there.
SPEAKER_00It does kind of look like you sprayed spread it. Uh is it supposed to be on your muscle? Like just a belly. It is my muscle. It's like it's kind of neat because it's not just black ink, it's a negative. Like you're lives in the negative. That's kind of cool.
SPEAKER_03It's like you spelled it out on your refrigerator with magnets. Strawberry jelly. Yeah. And then flung jelly at it.
SPEAKER_00It's strawberry jelly.
SPEAKER_03Should I fill in the letters with the peanut butter color? No. You should leave it out. Okay, well then you know it's perfect how it is.
SPEAKER_00I think you should leave it out.
SPEAKER_02If you could get back down to the weight when you got it, just because you're eating blueberries and fucking cherry tomatoes every day and losing 20 pounds, doesn't mean you're skinny. No, I'm not.
SPEAKER_03I'm not.
SPEAKER_00So I think it would take a lot of work, but I think if you did a black outline around the outside and then black the lettering.
SPEAKER_02That'll cost like $300.
SPEAKER_00It looks like it would be a lot, yeah. I don't know. But, anyways, this sounds like something you couldn't say to a co-worker in an office. Like you said, he can't just say something like this in an HR video. No, I don't know.
HR Videos And Office “Appropriate”
SPEAKER_00So, you guys don't know the office game. No, because when you get an office job, you have to watch these videos where they're like, Hi, my name is Susan, and I work in the office with Greg. How often do they make you watch? I don't know. I when you get hired places. Really? Throughout my life, I've watched hundreds of these videos. And there's a shitty shot still video. I don't even know the existence. The sound is like from the camcorder. You can hear the tape rolling in the camcorder VHS. They never renew these videos, but they're like, My name's Susan, and I work with Greg in the office. James came up from the warehouse and he said that I looked great in my blouse. That's fine. Do you think that's appropriate?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. What would you say, Tony? Oh, absolutely.
SPEAKER_03Oh, is that not appropriate? Tony was in the office. I'm James in this situation.
SPEAKER_00Tony was in the office of Top Shelf Stories Podcast and commented about how Jay's blob was illegible because of the size of his arm and his recent weight gain.
SPEAKER_03Do you think that's appropriate? Fucking these fucking fuckers. Hey Jay, your sweater puppets are looking great in that shirt.
SPEAKER_00Sweater puppets? But there's this whole thing with the office politics, is what I'm getting at here. And you guys don't have any real. I mean, you have some resemblance of it because you exist in reality.
SPEAKER_03So I had to go through a lot of these kind of videos, uh, the educational training videos.
SPEAKER_02From all your sexual harassment leadership.
SPEAKER_03You're actually very close.
Scout Training And Hard Truths
SPEAKER_03For uh when I became a dun leader for scouts. Okay. No, for real, I bet. And I had to watch nine straight hours of old-timey video on how not to rape kids. Yeah. It was the same thing over and over. I must have heard for no reason can you touch the children? Over 10,000 times. I know we're not supposed to butt fuck these kids. You know, you know, it's like it's like if you hear if you hear a lie enough, it becomes truth. Like these people on here, they just repeat it until it's the only thing your fucking brain can even. So I felt like I had a plan, like, dude, I would join Scouts to touch children. After I heard this dude tell me 10,000 times under no circumstance can you touch the children?
SPEAKER_00I'd have been like psychology.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00The whole reason there's a problem is because of the videos, and I almost think that's true.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So uh after I watched it, I went to the Cubmaster who's in charge of everything, and I'm like, was there a problem with scouts? I had no idea that the scouts of the 90s were actually all pedophiles. They're in like trillions of dollars of lawsuits right now for kids being touched. And I'm like, oh well, maybe this video was really necessary. The scouts were? No, the video telling me not to touch.
SPEAKER_02No, the scouts were in uh lawsuits of tensions huge.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I mean, uh anything that relies or or with kids, I think it's I mean, right?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, if that's truly what happened, they fucking deserve it. But I don't understand why they're not going after the kid touchers specifically, why they're going after the organization.
SPEAKER_00Which I think you understand it's all about the Benjamins.
SPEAKER_03It's kind of hard to get fucking money out of Frank, the old drunk who used to touch kids and scouts.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_03But the scouts, I mean, they got the real money.
SPEAKER_01It's their fault because how many badges do you want this month? Yeah. You want all badges? You better get on your knees, little boy.
SPEAKER_03Oh man, get the blowjob badge. That sounds terrible.
SPEAKER_00I do not like this.
Work Relationships And Forced Niceness
SPEAKER_00All right.
SPEAKER_03So anyway, tell us about your work.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, my work. It's kind of like that. No.
SPEAKER_02You ever get a blowjob badge at work? So you anal bleed at work.
SPEAKER_00Jay never really had to do any of these training videos for any of his work because he's really you've worked for yourself, more or less. Your whole or your dad or whatever. Like in a small little business. Kudoba probably had you do some like, oh, watch this, or we're gonna put you on the this thing you gotta sign after you read this document that says if you get hoary enough, you just fuck a burrito. Fuck a burrito.
SPEAKER_03Well, I'm sure they gave you some kind of guy bind, like, whatever you do, don't put hot sauce in the don't put hot sauce in the burrito.
SPEAKER_00So, like, Tony, you've never you had this, but like, even you're now, even now you have office politics. Like, yeah, you have to be nice to this person because you buy tile from them. Even on they smell an e-level, you're like, you go in there and you're like, All right, Steve, thanks for the deal on this tile, or whatever you do.
SPEAKER_02I'm making it a this is smelly, like I'm walking up to smelly Steve.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but you it's seeing in the office. But he's the guy for the tiles, you can't say, Hey Steve. Smelly Steve? You you're you're struggling with the hygiene problem because you'll get like sued and sent home and then you lose your job.
SPEAKER_03You gotta rephrase it like, dude, you ain't gonna believe this, Steve. But did you know that other people around calling you smelly Steve? Smelly Steve. I don't think you are, but apparently somebody in the warehouse thinks you smell like shit at all times, especially right now.
SPEAKER_00Right. So there's there's ways to operate within a business setting, right? But I think now in re in society, we've gotten to a point where like the business uh etiquette is blended into like you have to be nice to people. Well, yeah, people are very sensitive. People are sensitive while at work. When you go to work, what you are doing is you are trading your time and talents for what you want to exchange them for. And even in work, even in just in life, you're exchanging your time and talents for what you want to do. Like I exchange my time and talents for top shelf stories because I enjoy creating this content so you people at home can listen to it.
SPEAKER_02It's too bad no one pays you from top shelf stories.
SPEAKER_00I don't do top shelf stories for money, uh, I do it for me. So I can do almost anything here. I can say the F-word, a sexual.
SPEAKER_03The Q word. It's weird. I heard you start saying the N-word stop. I didn't hear it do it again. I if I choose to say that word.
SPEAKER_00But here at the podcast, I'm exchanging my time and talents for entertainment. You could say that too much. It's my choice.
SPEAKER_03No one's gonna be able to do that. But at work, I trade. Yeah, you they frown upon you just randomly recording podcasts at work.
SPEAKER_00Right. But at work I trade my time and my talent for Um Freeze McGee tickets. McGee tickets. Right. So when I'm there, I don't particularly feel any obligation to be like friendly to my co-workers. Like I don't particularly find myself wanting to know anything about them. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03At all. I feel like I feel like especially go ahead. I feel like a lot of times in the office, all that people can hear in in the hallways is shut up, Darren. That's weird. Nobody wants to hear about your goddamn dog, Darren. Darren. They have a dog. Who? Darren.
SPEAKER_02Hypothetical. It was a hypothetical name. Shit. I want to ask you this, uh, Chris.
Firing Someone Vs Harassment Talks
SPEAKER_02Have because you're the boss there. Have you have you ever had to deal with sexual harass? Well, you don't you only have guys there, right? Or you have girls too. So where I am fucked up right out of that place.
SPEAKER_00Where I am, I have a small amount, a small little crew of people that I am their boss at work. But then I work for a company that has multiple locations of people. And most of the people I most of the people I deal with, hold on, hold on. I'll get you hold on. I'll get there. Most of the people I deal with are in Minneapolis. It's where the big high honchos are. And all of the people. So where I am, no sexual harassment. And it's not just because there's only girls, because that would be something that I can't talk about at work, is the sexual orientation of the workers. That's not allowed at work. So that's a line you can't cross. You can't even know if they're not going to start to wear a drink. I don't know, Jay, to answer your question if they're men, women, or if they would be interested or not interested in being sexually harassed or and or not whom to with me or whom with I may be, or whatever legal jargon bullshit you have to do in the office.
SPEAKER_02Lost me at home. So if the idea of legal jargon. So if you had to okay, what what would be more uh of a what would make you feel more uncomfortable talking to this question you're about to pose? Having to uh bring someone in your office to fire, or having to bring someone to your office to talk about some sexual harassment allegation.
unknownI don't know.
SPEAKER_02Like if you had to like you're fired. I mean, I feel like that would that'd be hard because you see this guy every day.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Firing people is then be like, why'd you touch this guy's wiener?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that doesn't sound like a fun conversation either. I'd probably defer that to someone else.
SPEAKER_02You have to, you're the boss. So well, which which would you rather do?
SPEAKER_03I feel like there's a sort of layer of corporate involved in the city. I'd fire them both now.
SPEAKER_02No, and not fire, which which situation would be less pressing.
SPEAKER_00I don't know. Firing people's terrible.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because their whole life, not whole life, which is weird. Another part about work, which is fucking weird, that it's like people's lives.
SPEAKER_02My work is my life. I think you can handle talking to someone about touch someone's wiener. I'd be like, why'd you touch his wiener at the bubbler?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. You can't be talking about the bulge in his pants at the bubbler.
SPEAKER_03But that's the thing. It's like in a work setting, you gotta talk so unnatural. It's so weird. Like, dude. Like you can't just say, Darren, you can't touch Alan in the dick.
SPEAKER_00Hypothetical Darren.
SPEAKER_03You got you gotta say, like, Darren. Alan's penis does not belong to you. You are not allowed to touch it, reference it. You know, you can't talk to people at work like they're your friends. You can't talk to them.
SPEAKER_00Yes. This is he's getting on the point, aside from the wiener stuff, the penis stuff. I'm talking about the way you can't talk normal at work. It's so odd. Yeah. Well, I found myself not really holding tight to that type of directive of being like friendly and uh politically correct, if you will, or like using office jargon and soft landing stuff, like, oh, I appreciate the things that are you're saying, but I also want to interject at this time maybe another suggestion that might set us along on our operational goals, exactly how you talk on Saturday nights when you're heading to the concert. I don't know. I I miss that jump.
SPEAKER_03But I'm just I'm just saying, you like nobody talks at all like this.
SPEAKER_00No, in the office, everyone wants to remain what they call like I don't even know what it is. Pleasure seekers. Right. And like uh confrontation is not really appreciated inside of the like differencing of ideas and discussing of those ideas with others rather than just being like sir, yes, sir, is not really appreciated at work, right? Yeah, everything's gotta be softened. Softened, it's gotta be like handled with the kid gloves. But it's getting worse and worse because they're they blend in this line where you're supposed to be friends with people, yeah, and then and only then when you are friends with them can you start to talk and act in a way that is more natural for human beings to interact with each other.
SPEAKER_02You're not supposed you're you're a boss, you're not supposed to be friends of your employees.
SPEAKER_00I'm not even talking about the people that work with me. The people that work with me at my location are actually phenomenal. Like everyone, they all have issues, but so do I.
SPEAKER_02You never had like a situation where you had to like, hey, Darren's still my pudding out of the fridge.
SPEAKER_00Oh, those stupid shit happens all the frickin' time, dude.
SPEAKER_02So how do you so someone comes in tattles? Someone tattles to you, it's and then you gotta re-be like, hey. So here's how I handle those things.
SPEAKER_03Hold on, I'll play Darren.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Darren. Please sit down. I'm gonna go get what was the other guy's name? Alan. Alan. Now we'll discuss it. Okay, and then normally they're like, it's not that big of a deal. And I'll say, hold on, then I'll leave the room and the two of you can discuss it.
SPEAKER_03Do I be professional, Darren, or confrontational, Darren? I don't know. Confrontational, Darren. So that's how you take care of it. What the fuck does Alan got to say now?
SPEAKER_00But here, no, but here's the thing. I eliminate that. What the fuck does Alan have to say now by saying, sit down, Darren. You and Alan. Alan's got a fucking bug up his ass again? No, Alan, he's right here. Darren, Alan's.
SPEAKER_03You know, I caught him in the women's bathroom last night.
SPEAKER_00Listen, here's the scoop, guys. I'm the boss. I can tell both of you to go home for the day, or you can work this out now, right here.
SPEAKER_03Oh, you're gonna fucking threaten me with a vacation?
SPEAKER_00Yes. See you later, Alan. Thanks for joining the comments. See you on Monday. See, Darren's out. Alan's out. Darren gets to stay.
SPEAKER_02I can't put this uh these shorts on Facebook anymore now.
SPEAKER_00But here's what happens in the new world, in this new age.
Confrontation Avoidance And Paper Trails
SPEAKER_00These folks will sit in the other room, type up an email that expresses these frustrations. Bitches. Yeah, paper trail. Bitches. Then they'll leave the place that they're at and send the email after. Which causes this, like you said, oh shit, what does this bitch have to say now? Because everyone in this world right now is afraid of confrontation. And the idea of two people who have a problem not being able to bark at the wall rather than at the person they're like mad at is weird. And when people make eye contact or even over the phone, use words rather than text on a screen, it's shocking how much better progress can be made in conflict resolution. Because conflict resolution doesn't go away over the screen. If you notice this with your text messages with people you are with, if you go back and forth with text messages a few times and the the the points not getting there, like you're not the conversation's not getting to the like you just call them and be like, let's meet at 12 30 at this taco place. Oh, yeah, okay, that makes sense. Click, boom, game over. Figured it out. People can't do that anymore.
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_00So there's an individual whom I work with who I call upon often for his wisdom and knowledge. Don't say it. Don't say it. It's somebody in the Minneapolis. It's not Alan, it's not whatever. It doesn't matter who it is. But this individual decided because I can I am not within the rigid realm of this soft corporate world. I don't I I'm too like aggressive with my tone. Maybe say soft what? Sent me a s an email after one of our conversations that due to increasing difficulty communicating over the phone, the our correspondence going forward should be over email.
SPEAKER_03Electronic mail. I everybody knows that. That's almost what is that? That's almost the company policy at our company.
SPEAKER_00Um so the two office workers that sit there in the office there next to them, whoever you're identifying in those two chairs, they email each other rather than rolling their circle around and being like, Do you want to go get lunch?
SPEAKER_03Well, that that's a different thing. I just read your email. I'm ready for lunch. But uh uh when it comes to a customer, well because Because a there's a lot there's a lot of things that happen. Like a customer will call us, and this is just an example, and say, Hey, you have this I have this piece of carpet at your place. I need it made into a rug. Can that get done by the end of the week? And we say more than likely that shouldn't be a problem. Right? And then they show up the next day and they're like, You told me on the phone that this rug was going to be done, and now I drove all the way over here and it's not done. You need to drop everything you're doing right now and make my rug because I'm not driving here again after you specifically told me it would be done.
SPEAKER_00But I'm just I'm talking about internally in the same team organization.
SPEAKER_03But I'm just saying, like, that's that's an example of like your memory being a little bit off about what was said three days ago, and and like you know, my office knows that they said one thing and they're like, no, this is what I heard. So I agree, especially with something back and forth with somebody not in the same room as you, that when there's something specific that needs to happen, it should be in a written format.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
Call First Then Email The Recap
SPEAKER_00So I've addressed this as well, because I agree with you. You should have some recall, some record of this that's easily accessible. Some would call it a receipt. I call it, yeah. I call it if you get hit by a bus tomorrow, yeah, I need to know that this was said. Because that can happen. And so that's how I operate with a lot of things. So these conversations that I have are often followed up with one of those electronic mail messages that say, thanks for the call, or we had this call. Here's the recap. Let me know if you have any concerns via a reply. And so you lay out the things. Oh, we talked about this, that, and the other thing. These are the objectives, this is the goal. We agreed, boom, right? Yes, okay. But you have the conversation with the person.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you cover a lot more ground.
SPEAKER_00But in this corporate world, there's always this it's not even the email necessarily, but it's the tethering of conflict. One person is always in charge of making sure that the two people who actually have an issue, not people, but two like leaders of departments, whatever.
SPEAKER_02It looks like you're invisibly knitting.
SPEAKER_00The two rulers of each realm that need to work together have a an issue. But instead of the two people talking to each other, you do this like, I'll bounce it off him, and then he'll bounce it off him and he'll bounce it off him.
SPEAKER_02Your hands. I'm sorry. I was laughing at your hands.
SPEAKER_00I just don't understand it. My my point here is that the frickin' world has gone completely soft. I don't know how to operate in this world anymore.
SPEAKER_03Did you
“The World Is Soft” And Wrap
SPEAKER_03know you can't even smoke in most office buildings anymore? You can't smoke anywhere, dude. Yeah, I heard that also.
SPEAKER_00They used to be like, you all right, go outside, you can't smoke here, or go on the other side of that half wall on this restaurant. You can't you can't smoke here.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you can't smoke outside places. Yeah, what's this world?
SPEAKER_00Now you can't even get within 20 feet of somewhere and smoke.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Or you can't go, yeah, if you leave a restaurant or bar, you can't smoke right outside. 20 feet. You gotta walk to the next street.
SPEAKER_00Even now they got the electronic vapes, they're like, you can't smoke those either. They're like, but they don't do anything. It's water vapor. It's water vapor. They're only hurting me. I'm inhaling all the chemicals and blowing out water. You're telling me I can't smoke this here? Yeah. I don't know what to do with these people anymore, dude. I don't know what to do with these people.
SPEAKER_03There's nothing to do.
SPEAKER_02I would say get your small yourself a smaller vehicle, like a van.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Uh go to your your closest tile store and then ask for jobs.
SPEAKER_00With a van full of grout and buckets.
SPEAKER_02Small tools that consists of laying an installing tile. They don't have to deal with anyone, just customers. And then when you're done with their job, you don't ever see them again because they don't want to rehire you. Until the repairs start.
SPEAKER_00No, it is wild. Shut up. It is wild out here in these streets. Everyone's dealing with it. And there's I'm I'm like, I don't know. I guess I'm realizing maybe I'm just an old crabby dude. Now I understand that. I do get that. I'm difficult to deal with. I get that. Starts at 42.
SPEAKER_03Apparently. At 42, I felt it happen to me. Hit you like a rubber band, huh? Yep. First time I said kids these days, I knew it was over.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, it is what it is, man. All right, let's end it. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Top Shelf Stories. Podcast every Tuesday. Thanks for tuning in. Chris Jane.
