Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
I Learned The Hard Way That Boats Have No Brakes
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
We try on the “captain” identity and immediately get humbled by trim buttons, drifting anchors, and the reality that boats do not stop like cars. Between pier crashes, fish finder skepticism, and the live bait “cheating” debate, we land on the only real moral: teach your kids the skills so they don’t learn the hard way.
• arguing about what kind of glass door we’re behind
• fantasizing about becoming a fishing captain and Everglades tour guide
• renting a pontoon boat for free and immediately bluffing competence
• fumbling engine trim and throttle control at the dock
• anchoring mistakes that turn into a swim after a rod
• telling a pontoon parking story with a stuck throttle and a wrecked pier
• breaking down why docking feels harder with people watching
• riffing on trailers, drive-thrus, and curb rash for cheap food
• debating fish finders, live bait versus lures, and what “cheating” means
• talking about taking kids fishing and actually teaching boat handling
Tune in every Tuesday. You can find us on Spotify, Apple Music. Really, wherever you listen to podcasts.
Plexiglass Doors And Dumb Questions
SPEAKER_01Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_02Hello. What's up, dudes?
SPEAKER_01What's up?
SPEAKER_02What's up? Long time LC, man. How you been? I gotta do this every time because you guys do this to me. Main host Jay with these two little bitches behind glass doors.
SPEAKER_01What's up, guys?
SPEAKER_02Fuck you. You always do that to me.
SPEAKER_01What type of handle do you use on a glass door? Anyways. Duct tape. That's a good question.
SPEAKER_02It's like magnetic.
SPEAKER_01Like a every each side has a magnet. Where do you put the magnet? It's glass.
SPEAKER_02You put it on the on the glass.
SPEAKER_01Is the glass door have a glass door frame or is it a steel frame with a glass door? Tony, have them with a floor. Why would you have a glass door? Half them off with a glass door. Is it like a shower door where it rolls in a rail? Is that how you do it? On wheels? I don't know. It depends on what kind of glass door we're going to do. Oh, no. What kind of glass door am I behind over here?
SPEAKER_02You're on a plexiglass door that just Oh, it's plexiglass. Well, I mean, it do you think I have the money for a giant glass door?
SPEAKER_01From the UV lights? Doesn't it get all yellowed from the UV lights? Yeah, but we don't have that. We don't have that in here. Okay. Is it a glass box or just glass doors? Last question.
SPEAKER_04Jay, you
Jay’s Captain Fantasy Gets Weird
SPEAKER_04called me to come all the way down here in some kind of mad panicked frenzy that you have a story you need to talk about. You need to get something off your chest. And I was in the middle of my hot yoga class when you called. Good. And I left hot yoga. And I had to leave without showering, drenched in sweat, to get here to hear this story. What you got?
SPEAKER_02Are you done? Because you know what? You make the worst fucking the way you say shit makes people wait uncomfortable. You're making me so uncomfortable right now.
SPEAKER_04Can a man be confident enough in his sexuality to do hot?
SPEAKER_02No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about putting me on the spot. Okay, so I I I've always wanted to be a captain. I want to be on the ocean. I want to shrimp old captain. Shut up! I want to be a king. I want to take people out fishing. That's I want that's my dream.
SPEAKER_01Like a PA system. Hey folks, welcome to J Enterprises Tours. I'm not here to fish today. We're gonna be catching some grouper. We're gonna catch some of those half-sized fish that are on the bottom. Um, but mostly we're gonna have what we're gonna catch is a good time. If you got any questions, if you got any questions again, my name is Captain J.
SPEAKER_02No, but not that giant size of a boat. Like you're talking of like a hundred-person boat. I'm talking about like a very sensual six-person, or I can take your rod.
SPEAKER_03So, like I can go in.
SPEAKER_04So before you get on my vessel, it's tops off.
SPEAKER_02Even guys, no, I've always wanted to do it. I just I I feel like that's like the that would be the dream job. Or and just uh like a um a retirement lifestyle.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you could retire to Florida and be like one of those gator hunting captains where like we're gonna take you down in the swamp.
SPEAKER_02Shoot, that'd be so cool.
SPEAKER_01We're gonna take you through in a little fanboat with nine people on it, including myself. My name is Jay. I would feel bad. I've lived down here in Everglades my whole life because I didn't start living until I got here. I moved here and I moved here when I was 65.
SPEAKER_04But Jay can't do this down South Florida accent, so he's doing everything in his dumb Scottish accent.
SPEAKER_03I moved here from the Irelands in Scotland. Everyone ready to catch a fucking alligator. You see the alligator right there, shoot them. Remember, shoot him in the top of the head. If you don't shoot him in the top of the head, he'll fucking come back at you and eat ya.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that'd be pretty good. Pretty good. I can see it now.
SPEAKER_02Sitting on phone boots so that he can reach the steering wheel. Fuck out of here. Just call it the gator. Gator the Irish or the Scottish Gator Tour. But I wouldn't want to kill a gator. I wouldn't want to do that. You don't kill them, you feed him little nuggets of food.
SPEAKER_01Keep drawing them into the bottom.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you say like a like a tourist for like gators to jump up next to the boat and grab the shit because they have in lines and stuff. Yeah, okay, that'd be fun too. Yeah. That'd be fun too. I wouldn't I wouldn't mind doing that.
SPEAKER_04Here is something you could do. I when I was in my early 20s, I went on an Everglades tour. And uh they have different spots where they've basically taken these circus animals. Dude, I got a I got a picture. They like train these wild animals to be part of the tour.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Mine was a raccoon.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, just raccoon on your fucking picture, a little raccoon on your shoulder.
SPEAKER_02Does the tour, does the tour know that they're trained? Or they think they're they think they're Well, I don't know.
SPEAKER_04Well, I would what like they pull up to the one fucking feeder and there's a bear there and everybody's throwing it pieces of bread. They're like, oh, this is Charlie, you know, he's born three years ago. Okay, so they know that it's Yeah, they know they know it's gonna be there because it can't survive without whatever fucking marshmallows or food or whatever the fuck they're giving it all the time. You better make it a schmore or an fucking eating. This animal isn't even capable of hunting, it's just gotta wait for the Everglades tour. A bunch of starving raccoons in a tree. Like, I hope they sell tickets today.
SPEAKER_02Does everyone see that waving bear? He's waiting for food. He will be we will be with him in a second. First, we're showing the alligator.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_02Don't worry, Pete.
SPEAKER_04The bear will be right there. Yeah. I I could see you doing that, though, running around. They did it on a bus, like a short bus. Like, shut up. So did you yeah, is that you making a joke? No, it was on a short bus that they cut all the windows out of. So it was just open air. Yeah, like a busari. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait. It goes in the wheel. They tried to make it look like the African safari. So it doesn't go Amish. It doesn't go in the water. You're talking about the one that drives on Yeah, it drives you and then you get on a fanboat and you go.
SPEAKER_01I was once in Kentucky and went to an Amish farm to take an African safari. Damn, dude. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
SPEAKER_01It's pretty legit. I wouldn't mind doing that. Is it an Amish farm in Kentucky?
Free Pontoon Rental And Captain Lies
SPEAKER_02So what I did over the weekend is um I rented a boat. My wife works for uh Marina, a place that sells boat equipment, and we get it for free.
SPEAKER_01They got everything you need but the water. I think that is the commercial. It is the commercial. I think that might be it.
SPEAKER_02No, it is. Uh so she it is. She works for for them, and we get a free rental on a on a pontoon boat. So it's like a yeah, anywhere, whatever they have available. I think the last one was uh we've done it more than once, but the last the first time we ever did it was like a 10-person. Well, did you take it to Pewaki?
SPEAKER_04Okay, ooh, one of the busiest.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it wasn't, you know, and here I'm pointing to this guy right here. I've driven a boat twice in my life. So when I got there, I'm like, huh. I should be a riverboat captain or should be some type of captain anyway. Yeah. So I should just know how to do things.
SPEAKER_01What kind of hat did you wear? Things. Did you wear the right hat? Well, it's not captain because you have to wear the right hat for the job. If you don't have the right hat on, you can't do the job.
SPEAKER_02Just a baseball captain. Yeah, that's not. I don't think that's did you wear it backwards? That might have uh deterred my knowledge of the.
SPEAKER_01If you are a flat brim forward, you can't expect a captain of ship.
SPEAKER_02A vessel. Well, uh, so we get all our stuff on the boat, and uh there's like three guys there, you know, fixing the boat up, making sure there's a written number of um life, you know, the life what the fuck? Whatever you know I'm talking about. All the things they make sure everything's on the boat that should be there. And they're like, oh okay, so who's driving? And I'm like, me? I mean, with my tell.
SPEAKER_01Me and fucking natural born boat captain in this vessel. What the fuck are you looking at, man?
SPEAKER_02I'm I should have a fucking wooden leg right now. Get the fuck out of here. I'm the captain.
SPEAKER_01You think the kid with the platinum hair is gonna drive this thing?
SPEAKER_02No one knows that joke. Uh so yeah, I get on the boat, I'm ready, I'm fucking, you know, looking in my my mirrors, and I'm just getting shit ready, okay? Sitting down and I'm ready to go. And the dude's like, you need to uh prop up or uh lift the prop or lower the prop, excuse me. Lower the prop. Yeah. Like, yeah, I know, I know. You gotta trim it up, trim it down. Yes. He's like, trim the prop down. I'm like, I know. He's like, no, like literally, like right now, trim the prop down. I'm like, okay, I okay, fine. And then there's this little gear thing, and I'm like, okay, yeah, uh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01What he's talking about is the throttle.
SPEAKER_02No, he's talking about the the propellant. But you said you were grabbed the throttle. So I grabbed the throttle and I'm like pulling it back. He didn't turn the key on, or I didn't I didn't, you know, turn the the boat on or anything. So I'm pulling it back. Like, no, it's next to you. The button, there's a little button there. I'm like, I'm looking to my side, I'm like, okay, yeah. Fuck, where's the button? And I'm like thinking to myself, I should not be like this right now. I I fucking know that now. But when it happened, I didn't know that. And I'm like looking around for this button. He keeps telling me she'd turn the lights on. He keeps telling me he's like, it's right there. He's standing on the dock. I'm in the boat. He's right there, right on the the handle thing. I'm like, what handle thing? What are you talking about? All right, uh over here, like like the whole like for like the next three or four minutes, I'm trying to find this little fucking button to lower the prop. So obviously he knew I was really not a riverboat captain. And he knew my lie. And he's making you look like shit. And my wife's your wife. Yeah, and my wife is like, Jay, Jesus Christ, do we have to fucking end this now? And I'm like, no, I'll figure it out.
SPEAKER_01Because when you were trying, you okay.
SPEAKER_02So I turn the boat on, and he's like, Yeah, remember, you have to drop lower the prop. And I'm like, I know. And like, and he's still telling me where the button is, and I'm still like not finding the button to lower the prop. It's on the handle, and there's a little little uh fucking uh thought control. Yeah, it took me five minutes. I found it finally, and then I didn't realize with these uh with these bigger boats, because I I the the one we rented, the only other boat I've ever um piloted. What how do you captain captained, yep? Sorry, yes, right.
SPEAKER_01You're the captain!
SPEAKER_02Captain it uh the only other boat I ever captained was the small like three-seater and they had a small motor, nothing like that. Kind of like that, but not that bad. So when I got to it and I pushed it forward, he's like, make sure you take it easy out of here because there's people coming in and going. And I'm like, okay, great. And then I just fucking pushed it all the way. I didn't like realize it was that easy. Oh, yeah, and there's no like give, like, there isn't like a gas pedal. No, you're just so I was just like boom, right down on the floor. He's like, We started going right for the other dock in front of us to the right, and he's like, dude, screaming at me, and then I went back because I didn't know what to do. So I what my first yeah, boats don't have brakes. My first thought is just go back to to slow down because I was gonna hit the fucking pier next to us. So I'd go back, and then that's even faster than the fours. So we started going back right back at him. So then I got it to the middle, and I finally slowed down, and he's looking at me like this is gonna be you're gonna kill yourself. You did you get security? Did you get insurance for the like something's gonna happen?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, he's urging your whole family put the life fast on.
SPEAKER_02So I'm like, fuck. This is now I got it. I know how hard to push, hard to push back and forward. So I slowly fucking a mile an hour, just slowly out of the dock, just going as slow as I could.
SPEAKER_04It's fucking embarrassing, really fucking up in front of somebody's eyes, isn't it? It was terrible, it was the worst feeling in my life. Somebody whose like whole life is based around bolts, and you're trying to bullshit them like, yeah, what is this like a V11 series C? Like trying to look fucking cool in front of your family like you're not a fucking retard. Yeah. And then you get in and then just do retarded shit and fuck everything up, and then the guy's like looking at you disappointed. He's looking at your wife like, what are you thinking?
SPEAKER_02This is the second time I ever driven a boat. And I've like when I talked to him, I was like, Yeah, you know what? I cruise liners, what a bitch. Yeah, I used easy. I actually used to pilot for carnival. I gave him the spiel like I was the best boater ever. And then you know, he he knew I was lying. Yeah, we rented oh god. No, no, I finally got out of there, and then we went to a spot to fish. Got the fuck away from everybody else on the way. There was anchors, so we anchored, and then uh I finally uh got our our poles out. This is like it was like one bad thing to the next. I got our poles out. I threw mine out with a live bait and just um released the tension on the what the fuck? I can't even think of it right now. Real? No, no, yeah, yes, the real, but release the drag. Drag, thank you. That's the word I was looking for. So that if something did take it, they wouldn't take my pole in the water. And then I helped my kids with their worms and throw their shit in. And so I'm doing that with my kids, turn around, my poles in the water, fucking going like two or three miles away that way. So I dove in the water to grab it. I was not losing my goddamn pole again, and this isn't the ocean or in Bordeaux. I dove into the water and I realized I didn't anchor the fucking boat properly. So if the boat's drifting backwards, I'm swimming at this rod about you know as fast as I can, finally catch up to it, turn around, the boat's like almost like distant in the fucking yeah. So Tracy's screaming, what do I do? How do I get to you? I'm like, I don't know what the fuck to do.
SPEAKER_03See how long it took that guy to explain it to me? It's like I don't know what to do. So I'm pulling the rod as the fucking little the whatever the fish was. I had no idea what was.
SPEAKER_02The fish is is swimming away. I'm fucking pulling it, swimming backwards. It's too fucking deep to stand. So I'm just like paddling with one arm, holding the fucking rod in the other arm, and I'm trying to get back to the boat. Tracy doesn't know what to do. She's like, what do you want to do?
SPEAKER_03I'm just like, throw the anchor so it stops moving away from me. Throw something heavy into the water. She throws a child. Do you want lyric? Do you want Lachlan or lyric? Like, I just want something that stops you from getting away from me. No.
SPEAKER_02So I finally got back to the boat, got the fucking it was a small little bass, but it still fucking pulled that shit like days fucking ruined now. No, it was funny. We laughed for for an hour. Well, we laughed for a while, and it was just like after that, everything went great. But that was like the beginning of the end. Everything happened in the beginning, and then the rest of the thing was great.
SPEAKER_01I rented
Docking Disaster Stories And Stuck Throttles
SPEAKER_01a boat once. It was a pontoon boat.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And it was on a big lake, I forget which lake. Tishigan or something. I don't remember where we were. Rented the thing, drove out of there, no problem. Took it all across the lake, which full speed pontoon boat with nothing in front of you is like the most boring ride ever. Like you just you just watch the shore sorta get closer to you as you just drive. Because we rented it in this river off the lake, and then we took it to the house that we were at. Get it all the way over there, just going full speed the whole fucking time. And get there, get parked, try to park, and it's I have to parallel park it basically in this big huge pier because it's a bigger lake with big waves. So that's a big huge pier. And I was doing it reminded me when you were saying you went forward too much and then you had to go back and it goes backwards faster. Well, yeah, yeah. As you turn in a gigantic pontoon boat that's just basically a floating sh pier room. This is just a floating pier. Yeah, it's a floating room. This was a really big one, too. I mean, it was meant for this big lake. It might have been Akachi Lake, but either way. Um Fondue Lake. Lac La Belle. I think it was Lac La Belle. Lac La Belle, eh? I don't remember where the fuck I was. Doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_04Well, it sounds like it. You just named off three different likes.
SPEAKER_01So I we I go to go park this thing. And I'm going forward and I couldn't, I didn't turn and like I didn't come in at enough angle. But I was between some pierced. I couldn't really, you almost had to T bypark it, right? It's not fucking easy. So I'm going in and then I'm backing up. But behind me there's a really nice jet ski. Like a really nice jet ski. So I'm like, I'll make sure I don't hit that. So I go forward again. And when I go forward, I go to go backwards. Well, I went, what did I do? I went backwards, but then I noticed that I was getting really close to that thing because like you said, you go backwards pretty quickly. So I go to go forward, like a fast one to like stop the boat, like a to get it to like chill out. Well, it got stuck in the forward motion. Troy's already standing up, my father-in-law, to to like lasso this the rod or like the pier that we're just about to get to. I hit that thing so hard I broke the four by fours that were the outside frame. That was also part of like the aluminum trim. Dude, I couldn't. It's just going up against the wall. Because I could not get it out of go. So I had to shut the engine off. Right. Oh, it was brutal. He goes flipping into the water. My kids on there, my wife's on there, they're not in the front of the boat.
SPEAKER_04This is that recent?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, this was this was uh like three years ago. Damn, this is not last weekend in July.
SPEAKER_02My mom boat is like it's it's it's its own animal. Like it's not like a car, like you could just fucking stop. Well, even if you go back or forward, you're going somewhere.
SPEAKER_01It was broken. It was broken. The throttle got stuck in the forward position. The piece of plastic that was around the handle and the shape of the side. You could have killed someone. Droid nearly died. I mean, if he was like a foot over, he would have tumbled right into like concuss mode on the he hit the water instead of the pier. But if you would hit the pier, it would have been really painful. God. And uh I we I ended up taking it back that next day or the same day. I called them, so I fucking crashed your boat. Here's the pictures. Like, holy fuck, what'd you do? I'm like, I crashed right into the fucking pier, dude.
SPEAKER_02Wait, this is this you didn't rent it, it was your friend's. No, I rented it. Oh, you got it. Called the rental place.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so I'm took it back there, and they're like, Well, what'd you do? And I'm like, you get in it, you go you go parallel park this boat, and you you'll see it. And so he goes forwards and back and forwards and back a couple times, and then when he goes forwards, it was stuck. It was just like I told you, dude. Really? He had to take the whole throttle assembly apart and put it all back together. That is like they fixed it, they let me keep going on. It wasn't like destroyed, it was damaged as hell.
SPEAKER_02They charged me for it. That's like having a car. You can't couldn't stop.
SPEAKER_01You can't stop, I couldn't get it out of the driving. It was terrible. That was okay. I know. Then I had to drive it back. I had to get to full speed and know that I was gonna be able to get out of full speed again.
SPEAKER_02I know that that that that cars are e easier to to to you know, there's less boats on the in the water. But like imagine what would be worse. Having a car, you can't stop from going forward or having a boat. You can't stop a car.
SPEAKER_01A hundred percent.
SPEAKER_02Well, that's true, but if you're on like near the the um the shore and you can't turn around and do that shit, you're gonna run someone over in a Car. I feel like you can just hit another car or crash into it like a pole or a tree.
SPEAKER_01But I smacked the hell out of this thing.
SPEAKER_02That's fucking crazy.
SPEAKER_01But we rent a boat now every uh Father's Day week, the week after Father's Day. We
Boat Parking Stress And Drunk Decisions
SPEAKER_01rent the boat the whole week. Where do you what uh what lake? Uh in Big St. Germain. All right.
SPEAKER_02It's a decent size lake. Why don't you come by me and I'll show you how to really drive.
SPEAKER_01How to really captain it.
SPEAKER_02Really how to captain that boat.
SPEAKER_01But we used to captain, I used to captain this little John boat with the little like 13 horse, nine and a half horse merc on the back. But the waves on that, sometimes I was riding the waves. Oh man, it was rough, dude. One time it was real rough. So we decided to upgrade.
SPEAKER_02So I uh on the lake I was on, there's a restaurant that we always go to. Up well, I wouldn't say always go to. We've only done it twice. Every time we rent the boat or take the boat out, we go to this restaurant. And in this restaurant, there's an area for boats to park, and it's like a fucking uh parking lot for cars. How the fuck? And I was like, I I I really I kind of like to watch the stuff. No, but like no. All right, everybody.
SPEAKER_01No, I I thought to myself back blowing up the the little emergency boat they're gonna peddle over there.
SPEAKER_04Which uh do you remember what um the name of the restaurant? Yeah, Curley's.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, there's only like two fucking restaurants on that lake. Is it like right on the lake? It's on the lake. Is it like a half block away where they have boat parking? On the lake. On the lake. And there is an area where there's c uh boats parked in like concession, just like cars would be. And I'm like, I want to try this. Uh I wanted to try this. So we rented a boat, uh, we got a boat last time, and this was two weeks ago. This wasn't the time where I fucked up the whole situation in the beginning. This is the second time. Second time.
SPEAKER_01So I've first time you did not trim the motor up and down the entire time you drove.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I just I didn't know what the fuck to do. Second time I learned everything and I got it kind of kind of splitty splat. So this is the second time, and I'm like, dude, I'm ready for this. I want to try to drive this boat into this parking lot like a fucking car parking lot.
SPEAKER_00I'm pretty good in a boat now. I bet Tony was like, oh, you bet you are you go boat, do, do, do I wanted to try it.
SPEAKER_02But I didn't. Cause I got I left So what did you do? I just parked on the closest pier, and then my brother-in-law jumped out and locked us up, and then I could not get off after our uh after we stopped. We went to the restaurant, got food, and got drinks, and I got I got pretty wasted. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. I got pretty wasted. He kept getting me be drinks, and I'm like, stop! He's like, Well, you got the bulk for us for free. Here's another drink. Like every time I turn around, there's another fucking drink for me. I'm like, I cannot not drink it. I'm like, who does that? No one does that.
SPEAKER_00I don't know. Responsible people do it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, no, not really. I'm like, if you were thirsty, would you drink water?
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_01If I was voting, captaining.
SPEAKER_02That was my thought. So all I had to do was open water to the left of me. I was on the pier to the right. I'm trying to give you the the visual. All I had to do was drive up ten feet and turn. So what I did was is I just turned right away and I kept hitting the pier. And I could not turn the fucking boat. I cannot turn the boat. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Ben's like, my brother-in-law is like, you have to fucking drive forward first and then turn. I'm like, I am doing doing that. It's like, no, you're not, you're just turning right away. I'm like, fine, I'll do it your way. And I let him drive, and he, yeah, immediately got out of there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you gotta go straight at the shore and nice and slow and cock it all the way. Yeah, when I go, I have to park it facing back out. I don't have to, I guess, but I do. It'd be easier to get out. Yeah, you make it easier to get out. So he in case the zombies come, you have to get out on the water.
SPEAKER_02He he got out right away, and I was just stuck there, and I'm like, fuck Jesus.
SPEAKER_01You ever park a boat at a sandbar? Dude, I even I I barely drove. Well, you'd probably be good at that because all you have to do is crash right into it. Just monitor your speed enough to crash right into it.
SPEAKER_02See, you know what's funny is like we we used to go to Sanibel every year, Sanibel Island, Florida, and the tide really drives out like fucking uh 100 feet the the water goes out, and I see boats every year get stuck, get stuck how are you that stupid? Like this fucking boat that uh the last one I saw was giant, like it was so big it almost collapsed on itself. But seriously, though, you have to know the tides.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but a boat captain know where the throttle or where the where the engine trim was.
SPEAKER_02But if you owned that boat, if he that was the owner of a boat, and he drill he drove that boat for however long. I don't know. I mean, come on, dude. I don't know, man. Maybe the same thing the guys were saying, maybe I rented that boat, and they're like, this guy doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Maybe that's what I'm thinking about that.
SPEAKER_01We can have a whole episode on the tides.
SPEAKER_04I don't know, man. Driving a boat is about the easiest thing you can fucking do. It's not your super difficulty. It's pretty insane, dude.
SPEAKER_01It is different.
SPEAKER_02It is not easy. Okay, it's easy to fucking drive around, yeah. But park in certain areas with other boats, no, it's not that fucking easy. It is not that easy.
SPEAKER_01It kind of is, but it's not that easy.
SPEAKER_04Once you've learned here the only thing difficult about it is doing it in front of a crowd.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, when people are watching it's like.
SPEAKER_04It's like when the people back their fucking trailers up to pull their boats out of the water.
SPEAKER_01It's an RV thing.
SPEAKER_04And there's there's a whole bunch of people like waiting to get their boats in the water, so you're trying to do it fast, but then shit gets reckless, and your fucking boats cook it on the trailer, or you're jackknifing your trailer.
SPEAKER_02So you you worry about what people think about you. I don't care about that. I don't give a fuck what people think about me parking my boat. I just don't know how to do it. I don't give a fucking rat's ass to someone like this guy looks like he's a fucking moron.
SPEAKER_04No, that's that's like the big thing uh on social media that all these high school kids they go set up fucking folding chairs at the boat launch. I've seen those videos. Nothing makes somebody more nervous than a fucking audience.
SPEAKER_02I seen I seen uh uh one guy trying to- That's why I don't gotta be nervous on this podcast. I see one guy trying to back his boat up, trying to back his boat up for a half hour back, forward, back, forward, back, forward, back, forward, back, forward. But
Trailers In Drive-Thrus And Rim Rash
SPEAKER_02I mean, you never you you can't do it unless you learn how to do it.
SPEAKER_01So, yeah, people watch you pull into your campsite too. It's like a thing, especially if you show up late and everyone else is already all set up or they're by the pool. Yeah, you gotta play.
SPEAKER_02It's fun. I feel like I wouldn't care. I'd be like, I disappoint them because I've got you're gonna wait for me. I don't give a shit. I'm quite good with the trailer and backing up. I I would be bad, I'd be fucking terrible. Like, what'd you say, right? For a left or left or right? What?
SPEAKER_01I before I took my shit on a trip, I made sure I could back that thing in any spot. I pulled it in the room. What did you practice? In the parking lot down the road. Down the road. In and out of my driveway. Where did you practice? At a parking lot down the road. Oh, okay. I didn't know you answered my question. Oh, yeah. I didn't hear the thing. And they had all kinds of different obstacles. They had they had medians with trees for height checks. They had hills back forth this way, backing in the other way. So what's your height? 15? I don't know. I forgot actually.
SPEAKER_02Jesus, you should know when you drive through a drive-thru. Can't get French fries unless you drive through unless you know your height.
SPEAKER_01They're taking the freaking RV through the a drive-through. Why not? I couldn't even make the turns. But I got a double. I live on a double lane.
SPEAKER_04I could just see it going up the curb on the curve. All the way around. On both sides.
SPEAKER_01Taking out this the lady's asking for the order of your next vehicle behind you. Oh, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order and you're taking off the sign with the wing of the thing?
SPEAKER_04Fucking jack knife into the curve. Well, come on. Every night.
SPEAKER_02In a Starbucks drive-thru. Every drive-thru is my mocha. Not the same. Can't drive without my mocha. They're not, they're not all built the same.
SPEAKER_04I'm just picturing the front of a trailer, like slightly behind the big ordering kiosk. And then somebody gets right on your ass, and you can't fucking back up because I gotta push through it.
SPEAKER_02What you pull up, too, and when you're pulling up, it's like another car is there. And someone's like, whoa, what's the hell? It's gotta be the worst, dude.
SPEAKER_01I did pull into a parking lot that did not have an exit, and I barely was able to turn around inside of it.
SPEAKER_04Dude, just just a slow destruction of your fucking item.
SPEAKER_02Don't you think you think no trailer, a person with the trailer does not go through the drive-thru? No.
SPEAKER_05Yes, they do!
SPEAKER_02Never. I've seen it. No. Maybe I haven't. But I swear to God, that's a good thing. No, dude, it's an urban legend, like cow tipping. You think that's not real either? No.
unknownNo, no.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I watched Tommy Boy like 20 times. They always prove that right. Tipped an actual cow. 100% it's happened.
SPEAKER_04Bullshit.
SPEAKER_02Why wouldn't it be? Wait, wait, wait. Does a cow sleep standing up? Yes.
SPEAKER_04With its legs sterned. No, they don't sleep standing up. They sleep laying down. No, they don't.
SPEAKER_02With their legs under if a cow didn't sleep standing up, could you tip it over? No, it's too big. No, they're 24. So then, Chris, why do you think that's possible? It's possible. We should do it sometime. I want to know if that's I'm gonna look at fucking videos if it's possible.
SPEAKER_04But anyway, now you just you got the fucking mental imaging of a trailer slowly grinding everything through the fucking curve of a drive-thru.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I can't believe that a trailer has never gone through a drive-thru.
SPEAKER_04I've never seen a drive through I've never seen a drive-thru that was able to handle it. Come on. So back in 2015, uh I ate at a checkers. Their drive-thru only. I remember that.
SPEAKER_02I remember that. I remember those. Are they they're not yours?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, they they just built one in West Dallas, but previously, if you wanted a Checkers, you had to go to the hood. Yeah, Foundal Acker. And and their capital. Yeah, their drive-thru is very unique. Tiny. Because you don't go around the building. You make the curve on the outside of the parking lot, and it's super tight, and you get up to the So are you saying a truck can barely make that turn? So I had just gotten my brand new truck, and this is by far the nicest fucking vehicle I've ever owned. And it had some big old 22-inch rims on it, which really aren't even that big compared to today's standard. But in 2015, I mean, you were saying something with some 22-inch rims, and they were black. They were black powder coated. And I just remember making this turn in that truck, I managed to to road uh curb rash all four of those rims at the same time. Okay. Nice. Like it just the turn is the truck you have now? No, the white one I used to have with the black stripes. Okay. But yeah, like the first within the first month of me having it, I fucking rashed all four rims.
SPEAKER_01All to get a dollar ninety nine rally burger.
SPEAKER_04And to this day, I stand on it. It was worth it.
SPEAKER_02What the the meal?
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02What what was you said, what was the rally burger.
SPEAKER_01Uh right? That's what they're called, the checkers? Yeah. Checkers. What's the difference between checkers and a rally? There is rallies, too. It looks like it's a rally sells checker burgers.
SPEAKER_02It's like the same thing. It's like, what's the difference between fucking Burger King and McDonald's? A hundred.
SPEAKER_04A lot of things. Everything. But what's the difference between a Hardee's and a Carl Jr.? I'm gonna tell you what's different. Nothing.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna tell you what's the difference between Burger King and McDonald's is the fucking uh the service. Burger King sucks. Yeah, their service sucks. Yeah, basically McDonald's fucking cop competes with other McDonald's.
SPEAKER_04Basically, uh, if you get fired from a McDonald's for just being a complete piece of shit. You go to Burger King? Yeah, they literally have a Burger King application when you're walking.
SPEAKER_01Most of the times they don't even Sorry, sir. We're out of fried chicken today. All we have is fried chicken fingers and fries. No honey. Dude, KFC is like that's Popeyes. Yeah, no honey.
SPEAKER_02KFC has gone down.
SPEAKER_01No honey.
SPEAKER_02KFC has gone down too. I there's one KFC in my vicinity. Vicinity?
SPEAKER_04I don't know who the fuck would even eat there.
SPEAKER_01Dude.
SPEAKER_02I don't know.
SPEAKER_01KFC's pretty good.
SPEAKER_02People eat there.
SPEAKER_01It's got everything in a bowl.
SPEAKER_02I love the uh the mashed potatoes and gravy and the um biscuits. You ever get back
Fish Finders Versus Live Bait Debates
SPEAKER_02on the boat?
SPEAKER_01You ever seen the guy selling hot dogs out on the lake before? I think Pewaki has that.
SPEAKER_02Wait, wait. A guy in a boat?
SPEAKER_01It's like a golf cart thing. In a boat. In a boat. Out on the lake selling hot dogs and cheeseburgers and shit.
SPEAKER_02So how does he pull up next to you?
SPEAKER_01You just said it. He knows how to drive a boat.
SPEAKER_04Drive a boat and pulls up next to you. It's real easy for him. He just throw your bumper out.
SPEAKER_01I'll give you this hot dog. And then you pull your bumper out and he gives you a hot dog.
SPEAKER_04He just uses the motor as it's intended. No, it's big radio. I pull up to him and I'm fucking doing it fucking forth back and forth.
SPEAKER_01Back and forth.
SPEAKER_03You were still. I'm going back and forth, just trying to slow down.
SPEAKER_01Radios at a hundred. You figured the radio out, I hope. I did have a radio? Most boats have a radio.
SPEAKER_02Actually, well, we figured out the the last time I went was like three weeks ago, and they have um the 15,000. Like I they told me, uh Dan, my brother and my brother-in-law told me that the uh fish finder thingy was like 15 grand. Is that serious? Like, those fuckers run that much? No. He said it was. And he looked it up and showed me an eBay. I don't know. Oh dude, this thing showed bass running under a boat for the last 30 minutes. We kept throwing lines, kept throwing lines, kept throwing lines. Nothing. Fuck that fish finder bullshit. I just cast where I feel like I feel the fish are. Yeah. And then I'll catch them.
SPEAKER_01Then you die then you dive in right after them.
SPEAKER_02Because I casted where the fish were that that fish finder showed, and nothing.
SPEAKER_01Got the wrong bait.
SPEAKER_04Well, the thing is it can tell you where they are. It can't tell you how to catch them or where they go.
SPEAKER_02I get that. I get that. I I totally get that. But still, I mean, like, in the fish finder thing is like it's it's kind of funny. Like it shows an actual like little fishy swimming across, and then it shows the depth of the fish swimming across. Like I'm like, Jesus Christ, what else is gonna show? The dick of the fish? Fucking other fish.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, tell you it's whole bloodline. What else it like it shows got facial recognition. It's telling you the whole bloodline of the fish. Who caught it last? Shows you a video of the guy who had it last. Steve had this fish last. Look at Steve, who fucked up. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Dude, that would be a b it's gonna happen. I don't know why. Ten years from now, it's gonna happen. So, like this next the last fish that was caught by this guy, it doesn't have to be even tagged. Like it just takes a fish takes a picture of your face.
SPEAKER_01You put a little sticker on its head, it's a little camera, and it'll just show the next guy who took it.
SPEAKER_02Right on the so I've been I've been fishing a lot lately lately with my brother on his lake by his house. It's called Potter's Lake, Potter's Lake. And uh uh he yells at me every time. He's or I wouldn't say yells. Well you don't know how to captain a boat. I wouldn't say he yells, but he's like, you're cheating. He says, I'm cheating because I use live bait, and so I'll give you a description. The last time we fished, I caught four bass and one northern. He's using lures and chatterbaits, whatever the fuck he uses, whatever the fuck he says all the time. I don't sometimes he speaks a different language, I don't even know.
SPEAKER_01And fake bait?
SPEAKER_02He caught zero fish. Every time I go with him, he's either one fish, and I'm always like three or four fish more than him. So is that cheating?
SPEAKER_04They're literally just giving the fish what they want.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And tell my brother that then. I have. Do you use a bobber? I only use the bobber when the uh when it's not windy out. If it's really windy, I'll use a drop like just like a sinker or something just to drop it and then have the fish swim. But like if it's not windy and it's calm, yeah, I'll use the bobber. Just because I want the fish to swim above because I know the northerns, that's what that's what I'm targeting. Northerns. They look up. I feel like they're gonna look up if I have a fish attached to a bobber. But anyway, that's boring. But you know what I'm saying? Is that that's not cheating, right? I don't think it's cheating.
SPEAKER_01Who's driving that boat?
SPEAKER_02That's the original way to fish. We're on the shore. Okay. We're on we're on a dock. We're on a dock and we're fishing and we're having fun, and uh usually we're not drinking, but yes, usually we are.
SPEAKER_01I think the moral of the story is to take your kids fishing. I think so.
SPEAKER_02Because a kid will love.
SPEAKER_01Because he's gonna grow up and have his own family and rent a boat, and he won't know how to operate it if you're fishing.
SPEAKER_04Both my kids already know how to drive boats.
SPEAKER_01My kid's driving the boat next. Okay, fine. I'm not saying no.
SPEAKER_02Is the kid on your lap steering? No. That's not the same thing. I give him the I give him the oh and and driving in the middle of a lake is not driving. So is he like driving on an oxygen? Driving on the expressway is not driving. Fuck you. It's so different. Yes. 100%. No.
SPEAKER_04My kids my kids given other boaters the boulder wave.
SPEAKER_01Have you ever the boater wave? Have you ever poked parked a boat on a pier that if you mess up, you're gonna end up going over the dam? No, I never sucking you in. I've never been sucking you in as you're trying to park.
SPEAKER_02Really?
SPEAKER_01Does that? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Never been on a on a on a lake that has a dam. No.
SPEAKER_01This did this one, there's a spot you can go. It's right up, it's called Sisters, and they got a little pier, but you gotta go right up in there. It's a no-wake lake, so you're coming in slow. Coming sideways. If you don't get it latched in and you gotta go backwards, you gotta you have to decide. Are you gonna try to go backwards or you're gonna try to whip a shitty? Oh, okay. Because you're going towards that fountain that's just sucking water over it. You can see trees going past you and leaves and shit. That would terrify me. I know it's terrifying. It is terrified me. And then you tie those knots and you walk away from that boat and you just don't look back. Because if you do, it's gone anyway. Look back. You just go in and have your drink. The boat's there, you're lucky. If not, but but you're not.
SPEAKER_02My re what I wanted to say to you is like if someone's driving in the middle of the lake, there's no lanes, there's no passing signs, there's no nothing. You drive in the middle of the lake.
SPEAKER_04I want my have him drive. I want my 12-year-old park the boat in my lift. On a river. Okay, that's different.
SPEAKER_02Okay, yes. That is 100% different.
SPEAKER_04Parking somewhere. That's pulling into a dedicated spot. That's what I'm saying. Yes. That's not even the whole lake's your oyster. Okay. That's if you fuck up, you're bending my metal tubes and causing me fucking.
SPEAKER_02He knows how to drive a boat. Yeah. Then yes. I'm saying if you're in the middle of the fucking lake, and the kids are.
SPEAKER_04I don't give him my lap. I give him this the chair and I go to the other chair. Same difference. But I I do that for my six-year-old. So the other one can actually fucking maneuver and I'm raising fucking little men. He's 12. He's 13 now. Damn. Noise. Don't you wish your dad would have taught you some of these life skills?
SPEAKER_02My dad never had a fucking boat. He even teached me how to shave. He's like, it just grows back right away.
Teaching Kids Skills And Closing Out
SPEAKER_01Top shelf stories. Thank you for listening. Tune in every Tuesday. You can find us on Spotify, Apple Music. Really, wherever you listen to podcasts, someone's probably pirating it somewhere else, also. Thanks for tuning in. See you next week.
