Al-Anon 3 C's- Didn't Cause It, Can't Control It, Can't Cure It

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We can make ourselves sick emotionally and even physically when we try to 'fix' or 'heal' the people in our lives. This can be if they have an addiction such as alcoholism, or any other behavior that is harming them. When we surrender to the truth that we don't cause, can't control and can't cure others unhealthy behaviors, we can finally work on what we do have control of...ourselves.  In this episode I share how I have and am still working through the 3 C's in my own life with my family and how I have found healing by letting go.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Transcript

0:32

Welcome to the Recover Your Soul Podcast. I'm Reverend Rachel Harrison. And I am truly, truly honored to have you here listening to this podcast today. It is the fourth season and I haven't talked about Al Anon for a while and I wanted to bring in the three C's. I love these three C's of Al Anon, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I am just so grateful for the doors that you have all walked into, to find this podcast about soul recovery. I know that when I first started just sharing my experience back in May of 2020, I had no idea what recover your soul was going to turn into, I had no idea that I was going to become an ordained minister, I had no idea that I was going to become a spiritual coach. I had no idea that I'd be speaking at spiritual centers and churches every Sunday, I had no idea what the universe what spirit what higher power had in store for me, I just knew that I needed to share this experience that was happening in my life. That was this profound transformation from pain to healing. And it was really cautious in the beginning because I was actively attending a an Al Anon. And the 12 traditions talk about not going out and talking about it. So I was really cautious about not wanting to cross that line. And I'm still very aware of not wanting to cross that line. If anybody comes to me and does coaching with me, it is not Al Anon we are doing soul recovery. It is inspired by along with a lot of other modalities for for healing. But when I started the episodes, and I did one particular episode, early in the first season, back when the sound quality was terrible, I didn't even know how to edit, I didn't know what I was doing. But I was so affected in my life positively by the detachment bookmark that has the seven gifts of detachment, that I wanted to share that because it was so important in my life, right that minute to remember my place to be to stay on my side of the street to stay in my lane. And so I did an episode on the detachment, bookmark and sharing in my life, how that was working for me. And that episode went gangbusters. And still to this day is the most downloaded episode of all of the episodes. And it may be how you got here that you found that episode. To me when that happened, I realized that this voice this place that so many of us are in about learning to be okay, when the people around us are not okay, learning to be okay when other people are using learning to feel comfortable in our own skin, regardless of what's happening in the storm around our lives, to do our own healing, to turn the attention to ourselves, to find inner peace, that I started to be willing to just talk about it because you wanted to hear about it. And we're not alone. I think the number one thing that is so important to me to understand is, what a gift it was when a first came and how I'm heard of it was 100 years ago, for people to work together to share to share their stories to share their connection, to talk about a higher power to have a spiritual path that allowed recovery and healing. This was a time when there was no hope. And that the alcoholism was prevalent, and people's lives were completely falling apart. And it started with just a couple of people sharing their experience, strength and hope with each other. And then it turned to where the families started to connect with each other. And over these 100 years, we are all growing so much in how we relate to each other in our healing. There's so much more awareness of mental health issues. There's so much more awareness of the trauma that we have in growing up. There's so much more awareness in the family dynamics, and how affected we are by being in a family of addiction. And that there is phenomenal evidence of how generations and generations have these behaviors of these addictions and the negative effects that it has trickling down even when you don't know it. I don't talk about Al Anon a lot, but I do sometimes because it's still very important to me. And when I come into my family dynamics, and last episode was talking about having the kids home for Christmas, and the bonus episode that aired on Friday is a conversation with my two new Our adult sons, honestly talking about their use of marijuana and alcohol and where that is in their life and what they're thinking about it, I came back to the three C's, I came back to, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Now, I want to talk about this on a bunch of different levels in my family, because I'm an alcoholic. I was actively drinking while I was raising my children. And so there is a part of me that can get caught up in feeling like I did something to cause my kids addiction. And that may or may not be true. And the truth is, I have a really good friend. And she was sober when we started hanging out. And I remember that we would go out it was when Rich and I were separated. And I was in a re drinking phase, I had been sober for three and a half years. And she and I would go out and I was in that thing that happens when you separate or divorce from somebody where all of a sudden you become a teenager again, and all you want to do is go out and have fun because you've been stuck at home being responsible. And so I was out in this sort of frenzy of rediscovering myself and having freedom. And she had been in the rooms for a long time. And so we're going out, and she's my DD and she's kind of my keeper, we started hanging out more, and she would dabble in having a drink every once in a while. And eventually over the years, she started drinking more. And I felt responsible for that I felt like I had tainted her well, that I had forced her or coerced her or manipulated her to come to my side, the dark side of party. I was grateful when we talked about it over the years. And she's had, you know her own journey of her own recovery and her own spiritual recovery in her sole recovery, her own path to find her way. And that's what we're talking about here today. But at one time, I said I feel guilty, I feel bad, that I feel like I'm the one that brought you back to drinking for the period of time that she drank again. And her response was no, that's me, I get to choose, I get to decide whether that was what I wanted what I needed. I'm in control of myself. That was hard for me to actually accept. And so it's interesting because it plays again, into my kids. That part of me feels like they were raised in a home where we drank. Now, there was years in there, there was three and a half years when they were young adolescents that we didn't drink. We didn't drink as heavy all the time it went up and down in patterns. We were very functioning alcoholics, there was a lot of normal life that went on in our, in our household. It wasn't like it was complete dysfunction. It just was the daily part or a weekend part of our interactions with friends with ourselves with how we were at home. So they saw it as how we connected how we were with friends, how we were with each other what felt fun, they also saw the dark sides. They also saw mommy passed out on the floor at times they also witnessed me blacking out, not being able to remember, they witnessed their father being intense or angry. They witnessed the negative parts of our addiction. And yet they choose to live the life that they're living. They saw both sides. When I look at it, I think okay, I didn't cause it. I didn't cause my friend to start drinking again. And I didn't actually cause my kids to start drinking. I saw a little meme or something that had a little sign that said two siblings, both raised by alcoholics. One is an addict struggling on the street, and the other is a well to do disciplined business person. Each of those are effects that can happen from feeling out of control and being in an environment that was complicated and raised potentially an alcoholic or addictive environment. There is no promise that it's going to come and push in one direction, that there's a guarantee that they're going to be unhealthy everything's going to fall apart. And the person who becomes the business person may be super controlling and determined and put perfectionist and want so badly to have success in their life to make up for the dysfunction of childhood? We are all responding constantly to our childhood. We're all responding constantly to our hurts to where we were fed emotionally, spiritually, literally, physically. We're all emotionally responding constantly to our past environments. So, yes, my children are given genetics for addiction, yes, they were raised in alcoholic home, can I say that I caused it, I can definitely say that I feel the fire, I can definitely say that there were parts of the way that they grew up with us, that made it easier for them to make this choice and to live this life. But no one pours the drink down your throat. No one forces the drugs on you. We choose as addicts we choose. And that addiction is so profoundly powerful that disease that the truth is, it's a disease that can overtake us, we still have a part of us that makes a choice. And I believe this and again, take what you get from me and leave the rest. I'm not an expert, I am purely coming from my own experience, in my own understanding. My own belief is that you have this demon inside of you, that is the addict. But we have a choice about whether we're going to let the demon be in charge of us, or whether we're going to make a choice to fight the demon. And I have gratitude that I fought my demon, and I still have to, I still have to. So then you go to I can't control it. As you know, from listening to last episodes at the end of last year, rich who got sober with me in February 2018. And then I thought we are on this journey together the sobriety journey, he was the one that wanted to get sober. He's the one that started it in the first place. For the second time around the year before he had come to me and said that he was dabbling again in it, and that he was going to stop drinking. So I had assumed that he had. And then when we were in Mexico in October, he shared with me that he had been continuing to dabble with it. And I can't control it for him. And I find myself so grateful that I'm on this soul recovery journey, that I can allow him to have his own experience and love him anyway, my belief at this point is that he is continuing to abstain. And the truth is, we're spiritually working on ourselves, we're having great communication, we're working through things when they come up, that's really all I can ask for. That's what I want in my relationship is I want a partner who is connected, who is present who is interested and willing to work on themselves, their spiritual development, and us as a relationship. His experience with his alcoholic demon is his own to have. And so unless he comes to me, and wants to share with me or wants support, it isn't mine to bring up I can't control it. I can't do anything to make it be any different. Not one person, in all of my years of drinking could control my drinking. If you told me as an alcoholic to quit drinking, I just wouldn't drink in front of you. Or I would quit hanging out with you. I mean, as a functioning alcoholic, it's fascinating to me to think about all the choices that I made in my life that were surrounded by whether I could drink or not. Was I going to go to someone's house? Did they have alcohol? Did they not have alcohol? Do I need to pre drink did I need to bring it in a contigo coffee cup and make it look like I was drinking coffee. Every decision that I made in my life had something to do with how I was going to drink. And that's crazy to think about now. And so when I had people who had come to me, and were concerned about me and wanted to find a way to help me by controlling it, I just rejected them. I just didn't participate in those friendships. When I think about my kids, and I think about the fact that they're young adult men 24 and 26 and they're functioning in the are used, they're not out of control, and is more than probably I would like, I think, I don't know, they live in California. So really all I can see is from what I witness when I'm with them. And when I'm with them, I'm looking through the eyes of a recovered person. And I have been very conscientious of remembering to look through the eyes of somebody who acted and behaved and did, and chose the same way that they do when I was that age. Now, do I wish that they didn't use and that they made a decision to not drink or not smoke pot or not do whatever? Of course I do. But it's not my journey. And if I push them, and I demand or I try to control it, then I'm actually going to push them away. And in the podcasts that we recorded on that bonus episode, I was really impressed that they could talk so openly about what's going on with them. And that, yes, they are doing these things. Now, it's not something they want to do forever. They're aware, they're being very aware of how it affects their life, what's going on for them, what are their emotions? Are they trying to check out? Are they trying to connect? How does it relate with friends? How does it relate with being in the world, that's all I can ask for is that they're conscientious of how it's affecting them and what it is in their life. And then I can't cure it. The only person who made me recover was me. The only person that made me recover was me. And this is my second time of real sobriety. I got sober the first time 14 years ago, actually, now that I remember correctly, it's been 14 years since I went into recovery the first time and I was sober for three and a half years. But I didn't even take it as seriously or work as hard as it at it, as I have done this time around. And I think about how it affected me in such a positive way then. But it was so easy to fall off and go right back into drinking, and right back into a lot of the negative emotional behaviors that controlling behaviors, the wanting the world to be a different way than being disappointed in my life being really deeply, deeply depressed and unhappy within myself. So this time around, when I did recovery, almost five years ago, I was a lot older, and I had been there. And it wasn't anybody else that was pulling the strings or wanting it to be different at that point. My kids were, gosh, I think Bodie was at the end of high school, we might might have even going into college, and Alex was out of the house. So it really had to just be for me. And I think I had an awareness that I was coming up on to 50 and that I desperately wanted a different life that I desperately wanted to have a chance to love myself. And it brings up emotion for me and makes me If you've listened to the podcast, you've heard me tell some of the stories. But I was in a job that I had loved so much and had brought me so much fulfillment and it had gone awry, and had gone awry, to a great extent due to my own addiction and my own negative behaviors, and my own way of thinking, and my own demanding that the world be what I think I wanted. And when it didn't show up that way I was devastated. Soul recovery has saved my life, not just my physical life, and not having the toxin of alcohol in my body. But it has saved my emotional life and the peace that I feel in myself is so profound. And I want that peace for the people in my life. I desperately want that for my husband. I want that for my kids. I want it for other people in my life that I know are suffering. But those three allanon C's didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it has allowed me to turn the attention to myself and to put all of my energy on my own inner healing to go and look at the dark crevices within my soul within my heart that I was afraid to look at and Do the soul recovery work, do the steps, the steps through a and allanon. But more importantly, the steps of healing of soul recovery that I have been working on for myself and with clients, to release all of that negativity, to release the resentments, to release the grievances, to let go of guilt to let go of shame, to release the past, and be present in this moment right now. And trust and believe that whatever is going on around me with my family members and their addictions, is being held by higher power. And that the more that I resolved to be healthier myself, the more that I resolved to take care of me, and be in touch with my feelings, and heal my hurts and come from my healthiest truest place, the more that I can be light to them. And that, whatever happens with them, I can handle it. Whatever happens in the world, I can stay in my spiritual center. This is the spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. I found my own connection with my own Higher Power. And I love how Al Anon and AAA really emphasizes that that is yours to create. And a lot of people really struggle with God or a higher power. And to me, it's just love. It's just goodness, kindness, compassion, the beauty of the sunlight hitting your face, the beauty of a flower, the wonderment of the mountains and the oceans and the stars. That, to me is higher power. We don't have to get caught up in religion, we don't have to get caught up in Dogma, it's really just about knowing that there is something that we cannot describe or understand that is greater than us. That is part of us. That is part of what is in the flow of the universe. As you're dealing with your family members, and maybe you don't have people in your life, who are addicts, and you've come to this podcast through another door. And it's really dysfunction or wanting to control something outside, there's somebody that if they would just be different. If they would just show up a different way, then you could feel more comfortable. We didn't cause their dysfunction. We can't control it, and we can't make them be different. Allowing ourselves to release that belief that we have control of them. Release the responsibility of feeling like we need to be some way do something to make the others around us be different. Everything changes in our life. And we actually take our power back, and we take our power back and we can begin to make choices for ourselves that I can control me. I am responsible for what is causing me pain in my life. What is causing me suffering, and I can cure me. I can make a decision to be in union with my higher power, and my knowledge and my spiritual self and all that I'm learning and doing and show up every day in my life in the most healthy positive place that I can be allowing myself to feel my feelings deeply, letting them go through me and not pushing them down. Knowing when I have resources to talk to people to journal, to do courses to do meditations, what do I need to do, to stop thinking that I am responsible for somebody else and come back to responsibility for me? What a gift. Until next time Namaste.