Stop Trying to Fix Everyone: Why Detachment Is the Most Loving Choice for Everyone

If you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or completely drained from trying to hold everything, and everyone together I get it, I was once there too. The truth is, constantly fixing, managing, and rescuing those around us doesn’t bring peace... it creates more suffering. In this episode, I share what I’ve learned on my own Soul Recovery path about how the compulsion to help and control stems from old patterns, and how letting go has been the greatest act of love—not just for myself, but for those I care about.

We dive into the deeper truth that your healing begins the moment you stop turning your energy outward and begin focusing inward. We explore what it means to detach with love, to let others walk their own journey, and to reclaim your energy for your own transformation.

Soul Recovery isn’t about abandoning others—it’s about releasing the illusion that their healing is your responsibility. It’s about becoming a compassionate presence without losing yourself.

You don’t have to fix everything. You don’t have to hold it all together. Come back to your center. Heal yourself. That is the most powerful gift you can offer the world.

Want to join the Recovery Your Soul community? 

Join the FREE Soul Recovery Support Group the 1st Monday of every month from 6-7PM Mountain Time. 

Join Rev Rachel for a weekend Retreat- the next one is in Asheville NC September 13-14, 2025 

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 From Controlling to Recovering
• 10:17 Circle of Shared Struggles
• 15:32 Elbowing My Husband
• 17:52 From They to Us: The Shift
• 20:20 Soul Recovery Process Introduction
• 22:31 Letting go of Your Kids
• 26:02 When Advice Isn't Welcomed

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:42

If you're anything like I was, you are getting exhausted from trying to hold it all together, from trying to help and fix everything and everyone around you. Maybe you feel guilty. If you pull back a little bit. When you let go and detach, you think it's all going to fall apart. I get it. That's where I was before I started my soul recovery over seven years ago. I had my fingers in everyone else's business and I was depleted. I was exhausted and I was at a level 10 anxiety all the time. Learning how to let go of trying to fix and change and help and heal everyone around us is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to ourselves first of all. And then it turns out that when we do that, we actually are helping the people around us by letting go of trying to fix them. Putting the energy on your own healing in the end offers everyone more opportunity to stand in their authentic, whole selves and make the choices in their own lives of who they are and how they're going to be. Enjoy the episode.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 1:52

Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 2:32

Welcome to the Recovery Soul podcasting community. I'm Rev Rachel. Thank you so much for choosing to spend your time with me today. I am always just so humbled and grateful for us to be able to come together and to work on our soul recovery journeys, and it's so interesting. It's been over seven years seven and a half years since I got sober from drinking and mostly since I got sober from my intense control addiction and trying to save and help my family, and I have come a long way. I have come a long, long way, but there are still these seeds of desire to fix and control that are so deep within me and I love that.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:19

When I was in the retreat this weekend with amazing, beautiful people who came to do their soul recovery with me here in Colorado, you're sitting down in this circle of people and I do small retreats because they're just so oh my gosh, they're just such beautiful communities. So we, we sit down and we all share together for the whole weekend and we do this intense, deep dive into our hearts, into our souls. And you know what? The foundational key thing is that we're all sitting around the circle talking about the just compulsion that we have to try to fix the people around us, to try to control the situations around us so that we can be safe, or to try to make people be better or to try to fix it so that they won't be in pain.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 4:07

The number of parents, moms that I had in that group that are really, really in tough situations with their kids, people whose spouses are choosing to do things that are dangerous, driving while intoxicated, thriving while intoxicated all this stuff that is real life world situations that we're in, real complex life stuff and we are in there, and the suffering that we end up feeling because we're spending all of our time and attention on trying to fix and control and change and help and heal and make people see the light and make them not be upset or angry or addicted or whatever it is. Whatever it is, and how much energy that took, and I was so grateful to be in that situation, to be able to help lead them through the nine-step soul recovery process, but it really brought me back into my own memories of what it was like for me seven years ago. And I think what's so interesting is time is interesting. First of all. Seven years doesn't seem that long and yet it's a really long time, right? So I'm 55. So it's a pretty good portion of my life.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:29

Every year we're changing and growing so much and on some level I'm so grateful that I am just really an entirely different place and how I interact with my husband and my kids and my family than I was those years ago where I'd be elbowing Rich, I just would be elbowing him in the ribs. When we sat at AA meetings For years I elbowed him at church that I was just at church and I was listening to the minister talk and he would just be saying these profound, beautiful, amazing things and I spent the whole time not looking at them, about what they meant for me, not taking it in as if it was information that I could use or that I could process or that I could heal. I was so consumed with trying to fix Rich and make him not have some of these behaviors that were painful and hard for me and the kids, that I just would elbow him every time or give him that little look you know that, look like, oh, did you hear that? And he would just scowl at me and he didn't want to go to church with me because I was over there judging him and trying to fix him and control him and make it be different for him. And eventually, over time I remember him it was an AA meeting and I gave him the elbow and he just looked at me and he said you've got to stop it.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:58

And I was defensive. Of course I was. I was reactive. Of course I was. I was unable at those moments to see that, even though it was well-intentioned, even though that would absolutely make sense for him to look at those things and make some changes and choices for himself that would better him, I was missing the whole point. The whole point is that isn't for him, it's for me and I think that's the power of what's happened in my life from soul recovery, that sometimes I recognize now that my life is so completely different that it can be hard for me to maybe talk about or bring in the stories that will help you or where you are, or bring in the stories that will help you or where you are, and so I really want to lean in a little bit more into those places and allow us to really reconnect, because I am hearing from you, and being in this retreat was the reminder. We are boots in the ground right now with a lot of really complex situations and family situations, and I'm in it too. I'm totally in it too, and I'll talk about sort of what's going on in my life right now. But it's interesting because I have been doing this process now for over seven years. I'm not affected by it as much. I'm not sick to my stomach like I used to be, I'm not waking up at three o'clock in the morning and completely obsessing about situations. I have more peace in my heart, and that's what I want to be able to offer to you. But I'm not rubbing my elbow into your ribs and saying, are you getting this, are you getting this? Because it's not like that anymore, and it's not like that anymore for Rich either.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:50

It's very interesting how something in me changed, and this happens in the retreats and in the workshops as well. When we first get started. We can't help but say they, they, they, they, they, they're doing this, they're doing this. This is the situation in my life, this is what my daughter's doing, this is what my husband's doing, and by the end of the workshop we're not talking about the them anymore at all. We're talking about ourselves. We're healing ourselves, we're working on our own spiritual journey. But it takes a minute to get off of their stuff the control, the fix, the helping them, the fix, the helping them. And I think that this is the part where, when we can really really start to see with clarity that it is not helping anyone, when we are all in somebody else's business about what they should do, who they should be, what they should be doing. If they would only do this, if they would only do that, we can have all kinds of great advice, we can have great insights, we can be fully formed in our authentic whole self. But if those people are not asking for, but if those people are not asking for wanting, ready for and a place to hear it, you are just pushing your agenda on somebody else.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 10:17

Are you ready to step into your soul recovery? Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to learn more about the nine step soul recovery process. I hope that you'll join us the first Monday of every month for the free soul recovery process. I hope that you'll join us the first Monday of every month for the free soul recovery support group on zoom, where we learn more about soul recovery and connect with each other. If you'd like to work directly with me to move through the nine step soul recovery process, I'm here for you, but you can also choose to work the steps on your own, with individual modules intended to support you to work at your own pace and on your own time. And if you want even more soul recovery, join us for the Recover your Soul bonus podcast for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers, where I interview amazing people, sharing soul recovery tips for us and also do spiritual book studies. You can also find daily inspiration on Facebook and Instagram and join our private Facebook community. Visit the website for more information, links and registration for everything.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:14

Back to the episode, and this part of turning the attention to ourselves is the foundation of the soul recovery process, which is there will be positive change in your life when you do this work on yourself, because it can't help but reflect out to the others, but you're not doing it to change them. You're doing it to heal you. You're doing it to heal you. So I live in a world now that's totally different, and this is another place that I have awareness. My kids have flown the nest. They live in California. They're self-supporting through their own contributions. They're doing their own thing, and this is by design. This is by design Because it became very clear that in my codependent, addicted mind, it became very clear that in my codependent, addicted mind, the part of me that is in such hyper vigilance of trying to help and fix and control and make everybody better, having us be in different states is allowing us each to really thrive and grow and expand in our own lives. And the incredible healing and changes that have happened in our relationship over the last seven and a half years the last five in particular, because they moved to California in 2020, are so huge. And my boys have grown up and become men and they are still my children, but they're not my children anymore. They're not under my care.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:50

I did an interview with Jim Fortin last couple weeks ago. It's on the Bonus Podcast and I did a reel. I pulled a reel out of the interview. That's on the social media, where he's talking about. You don't own your kids. They are their own sentient beings. They're having their own experience, and the more that we allow them to have their own experience, the more that you are giving them the ability to be in. Whatever choices that they make, they have to live the consequences for the choices that they make. Those consequences are painful to watch or joyous to watch. Is our experience to have. It's really the learning that we get to do, to be in our own heart, to really watch those situations, and the last year in particular, with Alex and his girlfriend having a baby and now little Rocky's coming up on five months old and we're going to be leaving here for this weekend. We're going to go meet with them in Los Angeles and do a family day at Disneyland.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:56

I've had to continue to work on this.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:59

I am not here to fix them. I'm not here to control it. I'm not here to make it be easier for them. I can love them, I can be present for them, and one of the things that Jim Fortin talked about is something that I've been suggesting and sharing with you this whole time too, which is if you have a relationship with your family members, your friends, your kids, whatever it is, and you can actually have more clarity to say I care about you. I want to be here for you 100%. I am not going to be in your business in the way that we've been for a long time, but I want to be able to witness, watch, support, show me how that would be best for you, and people generally will tell you.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 14:46

Now what I think is really interesting and I'm going to be totally transparent in how I receive things. If anyone tells me what to do, I will reject it 100%, 100%. And it's interesting. It's like is it because I'm an only child? Is it because I was raised with a single mother who's very independent? I have a stubbornness that is so intense that even if I'm working with my chat GPT on strategies or things like that and I have them give me a strategy that rubs up against me a little bit I become abrasive because I don't want anybody to tell me what to do and I'm thinking to myself. I actually asked this program to tell me what to do, and then I don't like it telling me what to do, and here I was elbowing my husband, telling him to pay attention to this because he needs to do something different. And then I wonder why he was resentful to me. I wonder why he was distant from me. I wonder why he didn't feel safe with me. Well, that's why. Because I thought in my mind I'm giving you great insight right now, but to him, all he can hear is not enough, not good enough, not enough, not good enough, not enough, not good enough. And as we got healthier and better, that's exactly what he said, he felt.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 16:10

And I have this in all of my relationships. I am this person who cares so much about everybody in my life. I love people in a way that I accept people. I love people. I want the best for them on some level. Now that I look back on it and have more languaging and more tools from soul recovery, I've always been a fairly non-judgmental person. I've just always wanted to be a helper. You know why? Because I am a peacemaker, I am a helper. I'm here helping you right now.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 16:46

But if I'm telling you what to do, you can't hear me. If I share my stories and I share with you what happened for me and I'm lovingly, openly giving you suggestions, you're going to hear me and you may listen to some of these episodes and I always say take what you need and leave the rest. You may be not taking a bunch of it. You may not listen to this episode, a next episode after you listen to this one, because it doesn't resonate with you. Something hits you in a way that you don't. It doesn't feel right to you.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:16

This is the piece that's so fascinating about the part of us that thinks that we personally have the answer, the right thing, for the people in our lives, instead of recognizing that we need to take that attention to ourselves and to expend that level of energy, all of that energy on getting more understanding and clarity about who we are and how we're showing up in our life and how we can be of support to the people around us. I was thinking I did an episode about this, but for some reason it's coming up again about one of my best friends and when we were in our back to drinking party phase and struggling in our marriages and then I got sober and she was struggling in her marriage and as she was working on that, she had to really back away from me because my over telling her what to do didn't feel good to her. She just backed off and backed off, and backed off and I went in deeper and deeper and deeper. I can remember feeling like this, like the ground is coming out from underneath me, and I wanted to help, I wanted to make it be better for her. But later on she had the ability to finally tell me like you can be way too bossy, and I just need to figure it out for myself. And as our friendship has reestablished and gotten even stronger, there's actually more depth in our ability to be present for each other, because no one's trying to fix the other person, but when we want advice, we ask for it and then you want to do what that other person is offering. And being a great compassionate listener is sometimes the greatest gift that you can give to somebody. Your energy, your holding space for somebody who is making maybe difficult choices sometimes is the greatest gift that they can have to have permission to potentially fail, to do well or to fail. This weekend we're going to Los Angeles because I was trying to figure out how to see Alex and his girlfriend and Rocky in June or July and they both were just like we're so busy, we've got all this and this and this and this, and we're going to go to LA for her for her grandmother's party, and I was like, great, we can meet you in LA, because we wanted to take them to Disneyland last year for her birthday because she turned 30 last year and that didn't work out and so we're kind of doing a Disneyland for the family thing a year later because she just celebrated her birthday again. And then ultimately, rich and I haven't seen Rich's dad for years because there's estrangement in his side of the family and when we get to LA, when we're usually driving through town to other things, we'll meet him for lunch or dinner or something along the way. And it's been a long time since that happened.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 20:24

And I found myself going into the fix it make it perfect for everyone, make sure that all the plans were perfect and I watched myself get all scrambled. And there was one day in particular and I can't remember if I mentioned this in another episode one day in particular where I was trying to figure out what hotel to book and how to please everybody and how to make it all work out, and I called a friend of mine who's a major Disney lover out and I called a friend of mine who's a major Disney lover and he was giving me his advice and I was asking for his advice. He didn't say here's what I think you should do, rachel. I said, please help me, because I am. I'm spun out. And he had fabulous advice. Don't try to do too many things. Stay at a hotel right next to Disney. Let them get their own hotel. You know, for the last night you don't have to be in charge of the whole weekend for everybody. Here's what I suggest you do, so that you can have the easiest access to the park, especially with a little baby, and then you can come back and take a nap. And I was so open to this advice and I remember thinking afterwards like thank God I talked to somebody who knows how to help and I immediately booked the hotel that he suggested.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:41

I let go of all of this energy that I was holding about trying to make it be the perfect weekend for everybody when there were things coming into the weekend and out of the weekend that weren't even where I was going to be present. I was trying to fix it and control it and make it really good for Alex's girlfriend and the baby and for Bodie, who's flying in and listen, these people are adults. These people are adults. All I have to do is get myself from the airport to the hotel, meet them at the hotel, pay for and have a great day at Disneyland, leave the hotel, go have lunch with Rich's dad and go to the airport. That's all I have to care about. And this freedom that comes when you realize you do not have to take care of every single thing. I am not there to fix and make sure that the rest of their weekend goes smoothly, whoever they hang out with, whatever those parties are Wow, so much energy had been spent on trying to control and take care of and manage everybody else's business.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:48

And the more that I do this work, the more I realize it is no wonder that I was at a level 10 anxiety all the time, that I was on antidepressants, that I was drinking, that I was unable to focus or manage because I was so obsessed with trying to fix and take care of everybody. And that's where the soul recovery process comes in. There's reasons why this was the mechanism and the operating system in which I worked. I was rewarded for being a good taker care of everything. I was rewarded as a child for being independent. I was rewarded for being the one that you could ask questions and knew what it was. There's an element of my belief systems that said it was my job to make sure everyone was okay and that everything's perfect and to hold it all together.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:41

And now that I've used the nine step soul recovery process over the last seven years to deepen my awareness that this is about me, that when I'm hearing something really impactful and really powerful, my first thought is not who can I send this to, that this will help? That is even my first thought, and generally it was Rich or the kids or my friends. It is not that anymore. As a matter of fact, it's kind of interesting. Later on I'll be talking to somebody and they'll say, oh well, send that to me and I am taking it in for myself. It's actually gotten to a place with Recover your Soul and this business that is growing and expanding.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:29

I have to remember that it's a business. Remember that it's a business. I have to remember that this community is supposed to have a flow to it that has other things involved, because sometimes I just get into the world where my journaling, my listening to music, my lighting incense and candles and releasing all of the old systems and the pain that I used to feel is my favorite part of the day. And then doing coaching oh my gosh, the work that I do with people in coaching and recording these podcasts it's my favorite thing. And then I got to go do the business part, and that part is always like, oh oh, that's right, and you gotta, you know, do the chores. What I want you to get out of this is the reminder that when you are obsessed with the need to fix others, it means you're not putting the attention on your own awarenesses, on your own healing, on your own wellbeing, and that is the number one way that you're going to heal and help and restore your relationships. It's the number one way.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 25:42

And as I leave on the airplane here in a couple days and I go to Disneyland, you're going to actually hear this after I'm back, so I'll do an episode next week about how it goes. You know what I'm envisioning. I'm not envisioning how I'm going to make sure that everybody's trip is great. I'm envisioning us in Disneyland having a great time. We're going to have the baby. I learned how to do the lines so that we could all be in the line together and then exchange riders. I got a lot of great tips from my friend who's such a Disney expert. I'm not going to control, I'm going to allow, I'm going to enjoy, I'm going to be fully present and I'm just going to let it be whatever it is and not try to control it and make it be anything in particular. And then I'm going to go to lunch and then I'm going to get on the airplane and I'm just going to be in my body and I'm going to let whatever feelings feel and I'm going to just let everybody be who they are. And that is an entirely different person than was the one who was hypervigilant about making sure that everybody was okay and everything's good. I'll report back if I'm successful or not.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 26:57

We do not have to fix everything. We do not have to take care of everyone's emotions. They are responsible for their own well-being. They are responsible for their own regulation. When you take care of you, when you hold your own space, when you are a listener and when people can give you information about what they need from you and you stay within those lines and hold those boundaries for yourself and listen to their boundaries, the energy shifts in the relationships and it becomes easier to have clarity about what is yours to do and what isn't. We don't have to fix everything. Take all this great wisdom for yourself. Heal yourself. It's the greatest gift that you can give. Until next time.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:50

Namaste, thank you for listening and I hope that that helps support your soul recovery process. Namaste, or book study, that comes with being part of that community, but your subscribing helps support this podcast and the Recover your Soul community. If you want to listen to those bonus episodes but can't subscribe right now, do know that you can be a free Patreon member and have access for limited time to new episodes. Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet or check out the show links below for coupons and information for upcoming events. I thank you for sharing this podcast with your friends and family. I thank you for giving it five stars, and the reviews that are left bring tears to my eyes. I am honored to be part of your life. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul.