Breaking Free from Codependency: Stop Shape-Shifting and Become Your Authentic Self

So many of us have spent our lives trying to earn love, approval, and belonging by shape-shifting into what we think others need us to be. We become people-pleasers, fixers, and emotional caretakers—losing ourselves in the process. In this episode of the Recover Your Soul Podcast, we explore what it really means to break free from codependency and control, and how the Soul Recovery process helps us come back to our true, authentic selves. You’ll learn how to recognize the subtle ways we abandon ourselves in an attempt to be accepted, and how releasing these old patterns allows for deeper peace, healthier boundaries, and more fulfilling relationships. This isn’t about cutting people off or rejecting connection—it’s about reclaiming your energy, staying in your body, and honoring your own truth without needing to fix or manage anyone else. Soul Recovery teaches us that healing isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about remembering who you already are. If you’re ready to stop shape-shifting and start showing up as the real you, this episode offers encouragement, tools, and a path toward spiritual freedom.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 Soul Recovery: Letting Go of People-Pleasing
• 9:00 Disneyland Trip: Staying Present
• 14:10 Finding Joy Without Controlling Others
• 18:15 Family Dynamics and Shapeshifting
• 22:54 Breaking Free from Expectations
• 28:38 Owning Your Story and Experiences
• 34:25 The Power of Being Your Authentic Self

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:42

Letting go of being codependent, a people pleaser and a shapeshifter takes time. It is indeed a process. This is the soul recovery process and as I have worked this over the last seven years, I'm having profound changes in my life, and the experience that I had last weekend with my family and Disney is evidence of that. So many beautiful moments that came from my being willing to stop trying to fix and control everything, but mostly to enjoy it and be in my body, to allow myself to be okay, to not need to shapeshift, to please and fix and be who I think they need me to be, and that moves out into the larger part of our life and our families and our co-working in our relationships. To stop priding ourselves on being a great chameleon and priding ourselves on being our greatest self. Enjoy the episode. Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome to the Recovery Soul podcasting community. It's Rev Rachel. Thank you so much for being with me here today. I just got back from my family trip to Disneyland and to LA for a short weekend last weekend and I wanted to take time in this episode to reflect, to process and to share what unfolded, because we talked about it in the last episode and it's so much more than just being in those moments where we make it a story. It's really these constant opportunities for us to step more fully into our conscious and awakened self, to use every single situation, every single moment that we're in as part of our learning, as part of our growing, part of our staying awake in each moment. And that's the real time, part of soul recovery. It's a reminder that the healing changes how we are in our life experiences, not because everything's perfect or good around us, but because we're different. That's the beauty of this work is we're learning how to be different, how to see it different, how to interact with it differently. And the trip was beautiful. To be honest, it really went off as well as it could have. It was so much fun. We had such a great time at Disneyland with the kids. Little Rocky was the sweetest, cutest little five-month-old baby and we did so much beautiful holding of him and taking care of him and laughing with him and you know that part was just so adorable. But it was really fun to see my adult children and Alex's girlfriend just have such a great time, just be able to relax.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 4:01

And I saw the success in myself. I stayed in my own body. I stayed in my positive energy. I didn't do the thing where I accommodate everybody and begin to shapeshift and chameleon myself to try to please and fix and put everybody else's needs above mine, and that's the miracle of soul recovery. So, as I had mentioned in the last episode, one of the things that I was aware of was that I was trying to over function and over manage the whole weekend for everybody when really I was just the part of it. That I was the part of it and I want to report that that was a huge success.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 4:42

We arrived at the airport just before Bodhi arrived in his gate and had been I don't know 30 years since I waited at the gate for somebody. So it was really fun to be at the gate in the same concourse and be able to wait for Bodhi to come out, and I felt this spark of energy. That is that really beautiful essence of the love that we have for the people in our lives. Beautiful essence of the love that we have for the people in our lives that, without all the worry and all the fuss, you can actually be in your body and you can be in the emotions. And this is the work that I'm really, really, really focusing on right now is feeling my feelings. Not only the beautiful feelings, like that anticipatory energy of waiting for your son to get off of the airplane, anticipatory energy of waiting for your son to get off of the airplane but also anything that was of discomfort, like really allowing myself just to be in my body. And so when he got off the airplane and it was just so beautiful and wonderful to see him he's such a shining light in the world to me and we easily got on our Uber and we started across town and we had a wonderful Uber driver who was super sweet and lots of talking and visiting and really just enjoying ourselves.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:55

I just relaxed into the moment and I think this is the part that I want to give myself kudos for, because I want you to give yourself kudos too, when you have these moments when you're just being present, you're not trying to fix or worry about the traffic or what's happening or if everybody's okay. Alex and his girlfriend and Rocky were driving themselves up the coast to meet us, and I checked his location a couple times just to see how they were doing, and we had checked in with each other, but I found myself being successful at just saying you know what they're going to arrive when they arrive. Not my deal, not my worry. And this is such success For those of us who are people pleasers, codependents, shapeshifters. I really want to talk in this episode a lot about how much we transform ourselves to try to please the others. That's really where my focus wants to be.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:53

On this, I was conscientious of me being myself, just being me. I don't have to be the mom, I don't have to be the wife. I have adults around me. Now that baby is not my baby, it's somebody else's baby. I was able to just be in the car, show up at the hotel, get checked in. We started walking around. We found some place to eat while we were waiting for Alex and his family to come. The guys went into the pool and I just was in this place where I was really enjoying being in each present moment.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 7:31

Are you ready to step into your soul recovery? Visit the website recover your soulnet to learn more about the nine step soul recovery process. I hope that you'll join us the first Monday of every month for the free soul recovery support group on zoom, where we've learned more about soul recovery and connect with each other. If you'd like to work directly with me to move through the nine step soul recovery process, I'm here for you, but you can also choose to work the steps on your own, with individual modules intended to support you to work at your own pace and on your own time. And if you want even more soul recovery, join. Join us for the Recover your Soul bonus podcast for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers, where I interview amazing people sharing soul recovery tips for us and also do spiritual book studies. You can also find daily inspiration on Facebook and Instagram and join our private Facebook community. Visit the website for more information, links and registration for everything.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:28

Back to the episode, and this is the call that we have to allow ourselves to do. Because then I was already, when Alex and his family showed up, just filled with anticipation and excitement and seeing little baby Rocky who did so well on the drive he's just the sweetest little bundle of joy. And we went out to dinner and we had a nice dinner and we talked a little bit about what we wanted to do the next day for Disneyland. But I could feel that part of me that in the past would be really over consumed with trying to make sure that everybody was okay, over consumed with trying to make sure that everybody was okay, I didn't feel that I was working really hard on just allowing, just letting, just letting it be whatever it is. And this is the success, this is the beauty of doing the soul recovery work, which is I don't have to fix anything for anyone, just be present. And there was so much laughter and there was so much connection with each other and I wasn't worried about Alex and his dad or Alex and his brother or whether Lexi and Alex had had an okay drive up. I let go of all of those things. And then we said you know, we should really be at the shuttle at 730 in the morning so we can be there for rope drop if we really want to take advantage of this full day. Guess what Family was able to wake up and we got into the park early and we just had a really beautiful time.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 10:00

If you went and looked at my social media, I have a couple pictures of us from the day social media. I have a couple pictures of us from the day. And you know, my favorite part was that when you just let go and I wasn't worrying as much as I would have in the past, there was a couple little moments where I was like, oh, is everybody having fun or are they getting what they need? But I could observe myself, I could be present in that and I could just watch myself. And I think that's the part that you got to give yourself grace for. It's not about being perfect, it's not about the fact that you're not going to have some of those old patterns pop up where you're checking if everybody's okay. It's really just about giving yourself grace in those moments because they went pretty quickly, because they went pretty quickly and when we were able to be with Rocky while they were on a ride, rich and I just we just ate it up. I just watched the joy of seeing my husband really enjoying this little grandbaby. He held him a lot and making bottles for him and we changed diapers on rocks and we took pictures and we ate expensive food and bought expensive you know sodas and all the things that you do when you're at Disneyland and just had a great time. It really was. It couldn't have been any better.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:20

And one of my favorite parts was we were at the end. It was like 9.15 at night and they're trying to get their last rides before the rides close at 10 o'clock and get the fireworks. And they went on one of the roller coaster rides and we had Rocky and I had all of the stuff, because now of course, we've bought all this stuff and so I'm manning all the stuff in the stroller and everything and Rich goes down to watch the fireworks with Rocky. I can see them through the trees. That Rocky's really watching and I want to be part of it. So I maneuver myself down there with the stroller and all the boxes of everything that we had and this beautiful moment of Rich holding little Rocky and Rocky's eyes were just a light with these fireworks. It was just so beautiful and I got some really precious pictures and then they came off of the roller coaster and came down. There was still fireworks and just this beautiful moment. That was just that innocence, when we can allow ourselves just to be in the moment and the beauty of what it is, and these beautiful pictures of Alex and his girlfriend and Rocky with the fireworks, behind him with the Disney ears, and just such a classic, beautiful moment. That was real. It wasn't made up, it wasn't pretend, it wasn't us trying to get something for the picture. And then when you come home you're like, oh, that really wasn't what was going on. No, it really was this beautiful, magical moment. And pretty much the whole day went on like that.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:47

They drank occasionally. I didn't buy their drinks. That's one of the boundaries that I have in terms of my kids using still is I don't pay for alcohol. So we paid for all the food and did all that kind of stuff. But when it came time, if they wanted to buy any drinks, they paid for them themselves. And we went into the bar in the Star Wars land and they got a very, very expensive round of drinks and that was still fun.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:16

But I I allow myself to really let go of all of the, even the expectation that that they wouldn't drink or that they wouldn't use in any way. It's really their journey and the more that we get close and connect with each other on this deeper level, the more that they share, as I've talked about in the past, what's going on with them? With me, because they've got to figure all that out, and at one point Alex said was talking about his job and what they were going to do in the future. And they've got big plans and they have desires to grow their family and to have this family be successful. And that's what I want to put my energy into is cheering him on for those things rather than pointing out the places where they could make different changes and they could do things differently. Couldn't we all do things differently? Couldn't we all do things differently?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 14:14

And Bodhi is just such a beautiful example of somebody who pays attention to everybody else and is making sure that everyone's doing okay. But I don't think he shapeshifts the way that I used to. I think that he's able to really just be mindful of people's feelings and be really courteous, and that is really beautiful to me, that I don't feel like he loses himself in the same way that I used to lose myself up until you know, even a couple years ago. And with Alex he's discovering who he is. He's actually learning to stand in confidence of who he is because he had years and years and years of real trauma and heartache and struggle in his addiction and his trouble with school and with friends and with the law. I mean, he went through so much at such a young age that it's really fun to see him at this age really sort of stepping into and understanding more of who he is and in a way he's so unique and determined to be himself that he's not shapeshifted in the same way that I did, but he's almost like been rebellious in a way. But he's almost like been rebellious in a way and now I think that that keeping people away from him with some of that rebellion is softening as he has this family with Rich's family and move into that sort of country club. You know, get it all together environment. We were all able to do that.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:57

But what I recognized in that situation when we showed up to the country club is that that shape shifting that happens in those moments. There's a certain level that you do to fit in and do the right thing, and then there's a certain amount that I used to do, where I so desperately needed and wanted to be accepted and seen and loved, that I felt badly about myself when I didn't fit into that world. And what happened for me on this trip that was really beautiful and interesting was here I am 55 years old, meeting up with family members that I haven't seen one of them I haven't seen in 15 years and another one I haven't seen, you know, for five years. We're pretty estranged from Rich's side of the family and there is a lot of love there but there's not a lot of connection because we just live in different worlds. And I think the part that I really had clarity on in this trip was how much the younger me had tried so hard to fit into a mold that just wasn't my mold to fit into.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:10

And, in a way, what I could see for the first time from this new perception that I have in soul recovery was I haven't given them enough credit and enough grace and acceptance of the life that they live, because I felt judged or harmed. And that's my world, that's my judgment of myself, that's my responsibility for myself is how I'm going to receive and perceive what other people are thinking we are powerless over what anybody thinks. You're powerless over what anybody thinks, and when we shapeshift, when we chameleon ourselves to try to accommodate to somebody else's values or who they are, that isn't fair to anybody, because there's a big difference between putting on your nice clothes and showing up and putting on a smile and just playing nice for a meal, which all of us have done over and over and over in our lives, whether it's a meeting at work or with a group of friends that you don't really connect with anymore, or family members. That's called being conscientious of what needs to be done in those moments.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 18:24

In soul recovery, we're learning to look underneath and see. What are the stories, patterns and beliefs that we're telling ourselves about, why we should fit in or why we're not seen, or why this doesn't feel as nice as it could, or what are the feelings. That's what we're looking at. What are the feelings that you're feeling in that moment? And what I love about soul recovery that continues to just deepen for me is we're not judging anybody else. There's no value in trying to judge the other people, because that's really a protection mechanism. That's a mechanism that says you're different than me. Maybe you think you're better than me, or maybe I think I'm better than you, or you don't like me, or we don't fit, or we can't have the kind of conversations. All of that is just our ego and our mind trying to make sense of it instead of releasing and letting that part go, releasing judgment altogether.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 19:32

Letting that part go, releasing judgment altogether, having more awareness of the acceptance of everybody who is there and this is the tool that I used, that I still continue to love to this day just like me. Just like me, they want to be happy. Just like me, they want to be in a world that fits in with them. Just like me, they love each other. Just like me, they have lives that are more aligned with who they are. Just like me, when you really look around, every single person, just like us, is doing the best that they can in the world in which, in society and culture in which they live in, and that we get to choose who we are and how we interact. But we don't have to bump up against and feel like we're inferior to or that we're being scrubbed in any way in that stickiness that we have to fight it. There's no reason to fight what I realized when I was sitting there with them and we had a lovely lunch so it was a very nicey, nicey, nicey lunch with people that are our family but we don't have a lot of deep connection with I could see the beauty of how we can be in these situations without losing ourself. And what I really, really felt that I was so grateful for that I processed later was I have access to that information now because I have more access to my feelings and I have more access to the truth of who I am.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:05

And when I was younger and I was trying to fit into a family that just was so different culturally from the family that I grew up with, or you know how I am in my life or how I'm in my relationships, I was trying to shape, shift and morph myself into those molds in those short times that we are together. And it feels yucky it always feels yucky and uncomfortable and not good when you're trying to make yourself fit into somebody else's perception of who you think they think you should be. That's why those feelings are important. They're actually telling you that it doesn't feel good, and it doesn't feel good because it's not the truth of who you are. We are here to learn how to be our fullest expression of self, and it doesn't mean that then you rebel or you act out or you stop your feet or throw some sort of temper tantrum or demand that people see you. No, that is not valuable on anybody's level whatsoever.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:12

These are good people that live a life that is very different than the life that I live, and, if I can hold space to really value and see my family for who we are and the relationships and the connections that we have, and to also be able to make boundaries and decisions around how much interaction you want to have with people, whether they're family members or friends or coworkers or whatever it is, this is where we're taking our power back and recognizing that in each moment, we get to decide how much space somebody occupies in our own mind and how much space somebody occupies in our physical being. We haven't had much of a relationship with one of these family members for 15 years because it's always been complicated, and so it's lovely that they arrived on this particular day to be able to witness the whole family all together, and now it's done, and so, instead of us whipping up story to try to soothe ourselves or to make sense of something that's nonsensical. Sometimes. You just be in it in the moment. Just allow it for what it is in the moment and stop trying to figure everything out.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:33

That's one of the greatest things that I think that I've learned in my spiritual journey is you don't have to have an answer for everything. There is almost no way that you can understand what is happening in anyone else's mind, no matter how close to you they are or how far they are from you. We spin our wheels, constantly trying to understand where somebody else is coming from, constantly trying to understand where somebody else is coming from, and that is wheels that need to be released and let go. You're powerless over all of that. So when we step into our more aligned self, when you step into your authentic nature, into your updated belief systems, patterns and stories, you can be in those kinds of situations, however short or long they are, and recognize there's always something for you to learn about yourself.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:23

It's always an opportunity for you to reflect about yourself, and I was able to feel and see a reflection and heal some aspects of myself, some younger parts of myself that had still had some activation around wanting to be seen or accepted or whatever it is right. And the truth is I might be seen and accepted I don't know. And what I really realized when we're so sort of in our own whip of what it feels like to us, sometimes we miss the part where we're putting enough openness of heart and compassion to the other to see that they too have a perspective and a way of being in it and that they have every right. And it's important that everybody is given their own space to be in whatever it felt like to them, and it doesn't all have to look the same. We all have our own view of how it is, and I think this is the piece that's so fascinating.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 25:32

You know, as I'm working on the soul recovery memoir book with Maddie, and as I'm contemplating in podcasts and as I'm speaking to you, all of it is the experience of life through my lens, through my heart, through my soul. And you could ask anybody else in any scenario, whether it's the Disneyland experience or sitting at the country club for lunch or our entire upbringing that we had while the kids were here for 20 years. Right, each one of the players would give their own story and, yes, you would have markers where you would say that resonates. That seems like the same event, that seems like that same time period, but everybody will have their own perspective and their own view of how it looked and felt to them. And you know what? Sometimes it will look and feel very differently for each party that is having the experience. What if we stopped trying to shapeshift ourselves into fit into everyone's molds, and what if we let everybody have the way they saw it?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 26:44

I have this experience all the time with people that are friends mostly friends and they talk about how their siblings will talk about their childhood and and it's as if they are talking about an entirely different world and, instead of just having witness over how each person had their own view of it, they feel like they weren't seen. They feel like somewhere in it, their needs weren't met because somebody didn't recognize how it felt to them. I think this is such a profound piece of the healing that we do, which is you get to feel that for yourself. You get to determine for yourself what that felt like. You do not have to justify it and have it bounce off of somebody else for it to be real for you. You have your experience, your feelings, your way of seeing it, and that's what we're working on in our mind and in our training our brain to have different neuron paths and see from new perception, new beliefs, new stories, new patterns. New beliefs, new stories, new patterns that, regardless of our experiences old or yesterday, regardless of what they are, at each moment you're being given an opportunity to experience and be curious about your life. That is for your development, for your spiritual growth, for your ability to heal.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 28:21

And, yes, it feels good to have somebody else recognize or validate a feeling or an experience or to see it from your side, but it's not required for you to heal and it's not required for you to be in your own experience. And so I think that this is the part that is important for us as we're speaking our story to the people around us. It's never about not sharing the experiences that you're having. It's about what is the motivation behind telling the story, and is somebody being created as the victim or the perpetrator or the hero? So many of the spiritual teachings that I study talk about the importance of releasing those roles for everybody, so that even in Disneyland, instead of all of us, who's the hero, who's the one making it the best day, who's the one who's making it hard.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:21

At this moment, we're all just people Just being there. I mean, I was there with 45,000 other people. Talk about an interesting experience. I have not been around that many people since before the pandemic, right, I could feel the energy, especially since I'm really open to energy. Now I could feel the energy, especially since I'm really open to energy. Now I could feel the energy of all those people.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:41

And the beauty of being someplace like a Disneyland is people are making a concerted decision to be happy while they're there. That's why people like going to Disneyland. The people in the staff are there to be happy and to make everybody else there happy. Now, you can't make anybody happy, but when there's an energy holding that says we want this to be a positive experience, guess what? It's a pretty positive experience. Even in lines, people are pretty cheerful. You know there's this, this ability for us to all resonate.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:12

But each one of us had a different experience that day. We're all responsible for our own well-being and this ability for us to stop shape-shifting, to stop people-pleasing, to stop needing for others to be a certain way for us to be okay is one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves to fully stand in and own the beauty of who you are and the life that you live, because from this place you begin to actually realize that the thoughts that you think there was an episode in the last couple months the thoughts that you think, the words that you speak create the world in which you live. You do not get what you want. You speak create the world in which you live. You do not get what you want. You get who you are and we are working on us being whole, healed, happy, compassionate, forgiven, grace-filled human beings, souls that are living within our purpose, that are able to feel our feelings and release all that sticky goo of who we think we're supposed to be for everybody else and let go control.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 31:22

So in the end it was the perfect weekend. It was a perfect weekend all the way around. We left the country club having had this sort of interesting experience right, really good and to see family and really good to all be together and especially to see Rich's dad and just really allow that connection and then also just to let go of whatever it is. And then Alex and his girlfriend and little Rocky went on their way for their family events that they had on her side of family and Bodie, and Rich and I got dropped off on Venice Beach with our luggage and hit a car show and just got to sort of be in a world that was vibrant and different and really wild and interesting and had a nice little lunch at a cafe, went to the airport, hung out together, just really soaked in those last moments together and then got on our airplanes and went home.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 32:20

These opportunities for us to really be in our own bodies and our own experience and to feel the feelings to be present for who you are, is the incredible power of the soul recovery process. As always, if you are interested in this, if this piques your interest here and you're like, how do I do more of this, I hope that you will either work with me one on one, with coaching, or that you'll do the soul recovery steps in the modules on the website. I think that when we can look at ourselves from this gentle, kind, compassionate place and work through the nine-step soul recovery process, you are uncovering layers and layers and layers of what no longer serves you and stepping more fully and authentically into who you are, so that each moment, each experience, you can be present in your body and allow yourself to enjoy what is to be enjoyed. Allow yourself to feel the feelings that are hard sometimes, and let go of the judgment and the blame and the grievance and the wounding and be curious about what it has to teach you, because you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit, for Together we can do the work that will recover your soul Until next time. Namaste, thank you for listening and I hope that that helps support your soul recovery process.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 33:56

Just a reminder that every Friday is the Recover your Soul bonus podcast. This podcast is for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers, and not only do you get an incredible interview or book study that comes with being part of that community, but your subscribing helps support this podcast and the Recover your Soul community. If you want to listen to those bonus episodes but can't subscribe right now, do know that you can be a free Patreon member and have access for limited time to new episodes. Visit the website RecoverYourSoulnet or check out the show links below for coupons and information for upcoming events. I thank you for sharing this podcast with your friends and family. I thank you for giving it five stars, and the reviews that are left bring tears to my eyes. I am honored to be part of your life. Together we can do the work that will recover your soul.