You Can’t Control Them—Here’s What You Can Do: The Inner Path to Peace

When the world feels overwhelming—whether it’s family struggles, the pain of watching a loved one in addiction, or the heaviness of our collective challenges—it’s easy to believe that peace will come once everything “out there” finally settles down. But in Soul Recovery, we learn that waiting for the outside world to change keeps us trapped in fear and frustration. The real transformation begins when we turn inward.

In this episode, I share how I’ve been navigating real-life challenges with my family, including my son’s addiction, and how the Soul Recovery process reminds us that we are powerless over others—but never powerless within ourselves. When we shift our focus from control to compassion, from fear to love, we begin to find clarity, strength, and the ability to show up with grace in even the most difficult circumstances. 

Turning within isn’t an escape from life—it’s the way to live it more fully, with peace and sovereignty.

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 Letting Go When Life Feels Uncontrollable
• 6:11 Navigating Family Challenges and Division
• 12:21 Releasing Control and Setting Boundaries
• 18:17 The Freedom in Accepting Powerlessness
• 24:39 Finding Sovereignty Through Self-Attention
• 29:26 Being Light Counterbalances World's Darkness

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:00

When the world feels really out of control, or things in your family or in your life feel out of control, it seems strange that the answer is to let go of them and turn the attention to yourself. We want so much to find the solution, the answer, the thing that is going to fix it for them, for the world, but ultimately in soul recovery we learn that we're powerless over everything else, not in a way of be okay. We actually see that there's so much that comes from that that we can counterbalance what feels out of control or fearful by choosing to be light in love, by seeing our wholeness, by turning the attention to ourselves and our own well-being. Enjoy the episode. Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives, as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 1:44

Welcome to the Recovery Soul Podcast. I'm Rev Rachel. Thank you so much for spending your time with me today, for being part of this amazing soul recovery community. You know you probably came here because you've got something in your life that feels unmanageable. I know I still have things in my life that feel unmanageable, but they are definitely different as I've learned how to turn the attention to myself. And it's complicated because there's so much going on out in the world. There's so much going on probably in your own family there's a lot going on in my own family too but I feel the heavy weight of the complex nature of our political system, of how we are so divisive in our own families and on social media, and it just feels more and more like there's just this divide and it really lends itself to the soul recovery process because, ultimately, what we're learning in soul recovery is that if we need them to be okay, for us to be okay, we're giving our power away. We're giving away the part of us that can determine that we can be sovereign in our own being, that it can be complicated out there, that it can be harmful, even in what's actually happening. It doesn't dismiss the very real feelings, the very real experiences that we're having. But we're learning more and more and more how to let go of control from that grasping, clinging, wanting way and moving into the place within ourselves where we touch into how it feels for us, what is going on for us.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:22

And you know, I was thinking about what to say about in this podcast because there's just so much swimming around in my own life and in my own head that I can get back into that old system, that old controlling system that wants to find a solution, that wants some solid ground, that wants it to just settle down. And then I remember that the answer is to turn within, that when we turn the attention to ourselves and we work on how we feel in our own bodies, we get clarity about what are we actually upset about, what is actually hurting, what feels unsafe, what feels like we, we need or want a solution. In that then we can work on the part that wants to find a way to control it right. So it's interesting, as I'm working on the manuscript for the first soul recovery book with Maddie, who's my collaborator, my mentor on this journey, of being willing to express myself so openly and share all the stories. You know I've been sharing the stories in podcasts, but they're in little bits and then I can kind of talk around it and through it and explain it in in that moment and that feeling, that experience that I'm sharing with you. But, man, when you write it all down in chronological order, even walking through the soul recovery process, it just is a reminder of how complex our lives are, and on a regular basis. It isn't about getting out of the complexity, it's about, as I say, on a regular basis, as soul recovery teaches us, it's about having a new perception, it's a new way to see it, it's a new way to live in it and through it. But I think it's even more important right now because there's just so much going on.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:14

So in my own life I feel like I'm just swimming in the sea of real life situations, real life problems. I just had a situation where my mom who every time she has dental surgery she has some sort of pretty substantial allergic or neurological reaction to the dental procedure. And it was especially bad this time, which included that she was in the hospital for a week and the entire time that I was in Asheville for the retreat and luckily we felt like she was safe in that environment. So being away felt a little easier for me, since she wasn't at home by herself. And then my dad's girlfriend is going through her own cancer journey and just had surgery. And then while I was in Asheville with the retreat, I actually picked that weekend because Bodie was going to be having a one-wheel event it's the big annual float fest one-wheel event and so I thought it'd be really fun to go meet up with him, because I don't get to see him that much and see him in his own element.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:19

And of course, what's back in his element partying is back in his element and I just felt that tug in my my chest and my gut. You know in my heart of that part that we get so excited when our children choose sobriety, and you can see the timeline and the evolution that's going to happen from that. And then you know they go back to an old solution and again, is he out of control? Is he unmanageable? No, you know, it's just the way that he handles stress in his life sometimes, as so many of the population do. And then on top of all of that there's all of this stuff happening in the world and I have a husband who is pretty immersed in it. You know that I don't watch the news. I really try to stay away from as much as I can all that information. Not that I want to put my hat in the sand, because that is certainly not at all what I want to be doing, but when we really see from step two in soul recovery that we're powerless over every single thing outside of ourself, and you begin to see how attached we are For those of you that are on the bonus episodes through Apple podcasts or on Patreon, I did a series on the five levels of attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr and it speaks to that part where you know the lowest level of attachment is you know, I don't care, you know whatever.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 7:41

And then you move up into a preference where, yeah, I'd like something to be a certain way. And then you move up into this place where you identify which we talked about in a recent podcast identifying with a cause or a belief or a way things should be. And that level of attachment can really create division. It makes you think that the others are who they are and you're pointing fingers and there's blame, and I feel like there's so much of that right now and there's literally just so much divide and it's breaking my husband's heart. And you know what happens when he's in that space he gets really edgy. He gets really edgy in every capacity and it's because he feels overwhelmed. He feels overwhelmed, he feels hopeless, and so the tools that he pulls out are sort of these aggressive tools and he wants me to be in it with him, he wants me to have these conversations, he wants to talk about sort of these intense reactions that he's having and how he's having these conversations with people, and he wants me to support him in that.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:46

And it makes me feel very, very, very uncomfortable. It makes me feel really. I mean, I really get to a place where I feel like I have to kind of put a boundary up and just say I love you, I see you, I know this is hard for you, but I can't engage in that. I can't engage in that because it's not good for me, it doesn't help me. And in the same light, it's this piece where you start realizing there is always going to be these challenges, there's always going to be this complexity of life. And I hope if one thing that I've given you in soul recovery and in this process that you're learning with me is not to continue wanting there to be some magic fairy dust that sprinkles over the situation so that there doesn't have any challenge, so that there isn't any hardship. It's about our ability to turn within and connect with ourselves and see it in our own way of knowing that we are held and loved by something even greater still that can give us the guidance that can release that energy. Because ultimately, in the end, we're talking about love or fear, and it doesn't mean that when you choose love it gets smooth sailing. It just changes energy.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 10:05

And what I think is so fascinating about the soul recovery process and really looking at these real life situations is that when I turn to myself and I really look at you know, like my mom being in the hospital, for example, I love my mom so much and one of the things that I appreciate about her and I was sharing in the retreat with the amazing women that were at the retreat with me is that I could be at the retreat and I could step into my Rev Rachel self and really be present and put that over to the side, not that it's not in my heart and that I'm not holding space for it, but that constant worry, that constant control, that part of us that thinks that we personally have to manage it, fix it, take care of it, make it better. That it's our responsibility. What will happen? What will happen? What will happen? That muscle that I've been working over the last seven years is working and that's what we're working on here.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:00

It's not about switching our lives. It's about giving us a new tool to use, a new mindset, that we're literally rewiring our brain so that I can hold space and love for her, that I can have attention and a desire for her to be well, but it's not completely railroading my mind so that all I can think about is what's going on with my mom? What's going on with my mom? What's going on with my mom? That we're going through certain situations, or their own family situations, or their own awakening and dealing with their own pain of a difficult and painful experiences in life, their memories, right, and those are the pieces that we're processing with love and compassion through the nine-step soul recovery process. And when we're in turning our attention to ourselves, and when we're in turning our attention to ourselves, which is the only place we have control of anyway, we're recognizing that that healing process is the foundational piece of us being able to have a solid place to stand in what feels very erratic or disjointed, or untethered.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:26

And so what I was working on with myself when I got to Asheville and I and I finally met up with Bodhi and saw that he was, you know, smoking weed again, and the disappointment that came because he said words like I'm never going to smoke pot again, I realized it doesn't benefit me, it's not good for me and I, that heartbreak that comes, that moment of just like, oh God, I just want the answer for him because if he's better than I can be better. And it just flooded into me how much of my life I've spent thinking this is the answer for them. This is the answer for them, this is the answer for the world, this is the answer for my husband, this is the answer for my other son, this is the answer for my mom, this is the answer that if I can just have that answer, then everything can kind of calm down. But it really is around my own safety, my own peace within my heart, and I continue, even with all the work that I've done, to have some part of me that wishes that it was smoother on the outside so that it could be easier and smoother on the inside.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:37

Are you ready to step into your soul recovery? Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to learn more about the nine step soul recovery process. I hope that you'll join us the first Monday of every month for the free soul recovery support group on zoom, where we learn more about soul recovery and connect with each other. If you'd like to work directly with me to move through the nine step soul recovery process, I'm here for you, but you can also choose to work the steps on your own, with individual modules intended to support you to work at your own pace and on your own time. And if you want even more soul recovery, join. Join us for the Recover your Soul bonus podcast for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers, where I interview amazing people sharing soul recovery tips for us and also do spiritual book studies. You can also find daily inspiration on Facebook and Instagram and join our private Facebook community. Visit the website for more information, links and registration for everything.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 14:34

Back to the episode. But what I love about what's happening in the ability for me to have more clarity with my own mind is almost immediately I go right to step two. I'm powerless over them. I'm powerless over the situation. I'm powerless over his addiction. I'm powerless over his heartache. I'm powerless over the stress he feels. I'm powerless over my mom's physical reactions. I'm powerless over how her body deals with this. I'm powerless over the fact that the medical system could not find an answer for any of it. I'm powerless over my dad's, girlfriend's cancer. I'm powerless over the country. I'm powerless over what's happening in people's fear.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:18

But when I say it, I don't just say it and I and I hope that you've gotten from listening to my voice for however long you've been here one episode, 500 episodes that knowing that there's so much that's within you when you turn the attention to yourself, that when you say the words, I'm powerless, it isn't a weakness, it isn't a being in denial, it's not a putting your head in the sand. It's actually a releasing it to something greater still, to the higher power of your understanding to source god, light, love, good, whatever you call it, from like the depth of your being, knowing that there is the potential of releasing what you cannot carry, that there is more in the flow, there is this ability to trust that there's so much more that we can possibly understand, happening in ways that we, we've never even learned how to see, and so when I, when I say those words and I say I'm powerless over I, use my imagination to believe like that, there's sparkles. You know that there's some sort of energy that's breaking up and releasing the heaviness that's holding in my heart and that when I release that, what I'm doing is I'm turning back to myself and I'm giving myself the grace to feel the feelings that I'm feeling, that are so important to be able to recognize that it's perfectly natural and understandable and actually appropriate to have the feelings of being scared, that this might be a slippery slope for Bodhi Bodhi, who I love, that we can talk. This is the benefit of getting clarity within your own self and letting go of control so that I can ask him questions out of curiosity and talk to him from a place that just says you know, tell me more about what's going on with you right now. Why are you making this choice, you know, and he's like oh, it's just, it's temporary, mom, don't worry about it, I really don't feel out of control and I really am just in a lot of a lot of stress right now and this is the solution for that. And you know, being an addict and having chosen those solutions for myself in my own way, I get it.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:50

And I think that's the part that if we all could just step back and stop thinking that there's this one single solution that's going to fix and see the soul's journey that we're all on, including ourselves, this complex and wild experience that we're having around understanding more about ourselves, which generally has a lot of pain, and you know, step three, discovering your patterns, beliefs and stories, this underbelly piece of us that is feeling like we're not enough or that we have to meet up to some expectations, or really just gets overwhelmed. It just doesn't have the tools sort of deal with everything that's happening. And in Bodhi's experience and I should have him on the podcast again soon because he's so gracious and sharing his journey with us he has ADHD along with, along with Alex. They both do. You know I'm not a big fan of claiming diagnosis. Their brains work in this very particular way and the overwhelm is real and I can't discount that the overwhelm is real.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 18:59

And if you're so busy in your life because he's doing all the things that he's supposed to do, which is like back to back to back to back to back, there isn't really space to do some of the things that we talk about for self-care or giving yourself grace or, you know, doing meditations. I mean, he's literally on the road and doing a million things, and so it only makes sense that he leans into this particular form. That gives him a sense of release. And can I fault him for that? No, but what I can give him grace for and gratitude for is he's awake in it. He's not doing it in a way that's around to like not understanding what's going on for him, and that's all I can do for myself too.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 19:45

So when I'm in this process of my own healing, I'm bouncing off of, like a mirror. I'm bouncing off of and seeing what, in the reflection, feels difficult or painful or hard, and it's giving me information about more, about where I can build up my reserves, where I can attend to myself more. Aren't I lucky that I have this situation in my life right now where I can wake up as early as I want, have an hour or three hours, depending on how early I want to wake up to attend to my heart, to do my spiritual practice? And I can tell you for sure that when I turn the attention to myself and what's happening for me within me, and allow all of these life situations to be places where I deepen my connection with source. I deepen my connection with my higher self, with my soul self that has so much more wisdom than my fearful self, my small self, and I come back to that beautiful releasing and letting go and coming into that wholeness. That is the truth, that says.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 20:59

You know, it is complicated, it is hard. Rich is irritated with what's happening in the world, and rightfully so. But when I try to take it from him, or I try to take Bodhi's pain for him, or even my mother's situation from them, I'm dismissing their soul's journey and their opportunity to look more deeply at themselves. And then I get more clarity around. What are my boundaries? How can I come to both Bodhi or to Rich from a clear mind, from a clear heart, without all this projection, without all this?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:38

You know you're doing this to me and be able to say, hey, I wanted to talk a little bit about you know, rich's situation. I wanted to talk a little bit about this edge that I'm feeling from you and I don't want to take away what's going on in your mind, that you are indeed really upset about it, but I can't interact in the way that I think that you're asking me to, because it makes me feel uncomfortable in my body and I don't know how to support you and how you're feeling and support myself. So can we talk about that? And that's an entirely different level of conversation than what we used to have because you know, I will be honest some of my old patterns because I'm pretty busy with all the stuff that's going on in my life my old pattern wants to just shut down, it just wants to put the wall up.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:32

And I feel very familiar protections that I have felt over his intensity over the last 33 years. And that's mine to work on, for myself to understand that those are valid feelings, that turning the attention to myself is to like actually recognize how uncomfortable and how real these feelings are for me. But instead of trying to force him to be something else, to get clarity first for how it feels to me, so that when I go speak to him, I'm speaking to him from a nonviolent communication style, from I statements, from more awareness within myself that doesn't make him feel like he's being attacked or being blamed. And what I know about him and this is, you know something that in each of your relationships, only you know. This is why whatever happens in someone else's relationship, including mine, doesn't matter, because you're in your own unique relationship.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:34

And what I know about Rich is that when I approach him in that way, he softens and there's a tenderness that comes to him because he is willing to be on the spiritual journey. It just looks entirely different than what mine does and his interest in how deep it goes or how deep he wants to look into himself is very different than mine. But the reason why I continue to be in this relationship and be willing to hit these scratchy places is because it is safe for me here that he's not attacking me, that this energy that he has is really his own defense mechanisms, and sometimes he's very, very unaware of it, to be honest. But when I bring it to his attention in a kind and loving way, I'm grateful that in our relationship he's always interested and open and willing to see it. And the more that we've stepped out of me blaming, blaming, blaming, blaming him like I did for so many years he will lean in and that's the part that is important in my relationship. He will lean in and that's the part that is important in my relationship Now. Each of you are in your own with your own kids, with your own partners, with your friends, with your family, and I think there's more clarity on a regular basis about where it's safe to lean in and where it is actually okay to put up boundaries around healthy communication.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 25:03

So if Rich really was going to you know, not be able to have these kinds of conversations with me and was berating and I'm totally making up a person that he isn't right now, but like if he was like really on this whole attacking and pissed off at the world, you know, it wouldn't work for me. Not a judgment, not that he's a bad person, it's. It really is around alignment of us constantly coming back to ourself and checking in with ourselves and living in a more sovereign state than a codependent state and taking our power back and saying I can see, in places where I'm powerless over you, I'm not going to determine whether your happiness or your ease or your irritation or your addiction. You know, if all of those things are actually happening and there's no movement or desire on those parts to make change, we can't make them change. We can't make them be better. We can't make them want to heal. We can't make them be sober, we can't make them change. We can't make them be better. We can't make them want to heal. We can't make them be sober, we can't make them.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 26:08

But you can unconditionally love somebody enough to let them be fully in their experience, to allow the experience, which seems crazy, right, but to almost as if you're sending them away to have their journey. But we have clarity about when and where we can attend to ourselves, to keep ourselves safe and to be able to move forward in our lives to our best ability. So, in the situation in my life with my kids, because I can have these conversations with them and I see them so beautifully as these whole glorious, smart, loving, amazing men who make some kooky choices still to this day, who are going to do things that it's going to make their journey be, whatever their journey is. But I let go more and more and more because I'm turning the attention to myself, I'm checking in with me, I'm being clear of my words, I'm being as unconditionally loving as I can, I'm clear about where I can step in, where it's not mine, and sometimes it's really fuzzy, like I've said, and then in the world there's so much you know that we're just really powerless over, but I believe so strongly that our choice for compassion and love and grace counterbalances the anger and the destruction and the hurt and the aggression so much I was telling somebody in the retreat that I think it was Wayne Dyer, dr Wayne Dyer.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:48

In one of his books it said someone who can hold compassion and grace and love counterbalances 60,000 souls who are asleep and in pain and in fear. That's a lot of weight that you can hold. You don't have to fix them, you just need to be present in yourself. And so it's understandable that we feel unbalanced. But when we put the attention back on ourselves to regulate, to bring ourselves to balance, to be able to have clarity of voice, to feel our feelings, we are on the soul recovery process and we're moving past our limiting beliefs that keep us stuck in old ways of being.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 28:28

We're turning the attention to our higher power. We're recognizing we're not alone in this. We're moving into a new way of seeing, into a new perception, and we're living in that light. We're on that timeline, we're in that way of being and everything around us will feel different. Even if it still feels painful, we don't suffer in the wanting it to be different. So there is so much value and so much strength. And it doesn't feel like it at first, but when we turn the attention to ourselves, when we take responsibility for our own well-being and how we choose to see it and how we choose to interact with it, there's so much more power. There we are taking our power back, and so it's crazy right now.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:19

It's difficult in so many ways, but you have everything that you need within you to stand in your strong, sovereign, whole, awakened self, and the soul recovery process is giving you the tools to get there, and I'm not giving you anything that you don't have within you already. You are whole, you are enough, you are beautiful. Until next time, namaste. Thank you for listening and I hope that that helps support your soul recovery process. Just a reminder that every Friday is the Recover your Soul bonus podcast.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:57

This podcast is for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers, and not only do you get an incredible interview or book study that comes with being part of that community, but your subscribing helps support this podcast and the Recover your Soul community. If you want to listen to those bonus episodes but can't subscribe right now, do know that you can be a free Patreon member and have access for limited time to new episodes. Visit the website recover your soulnet or check out the show links below for coupons and information for upcoming events. I thank you for sharing this podcast with your friends and family. I thank you for giving it five stars, and the reviews that are left bring tears to my eyes. I am honored to be part of your life. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul.