Stop Drinking and Start Living

Ep. #202 The Belief That Made Alcohol Famous

December 14, 2022 Mary Wagstaff Season 1 Episode 202
Stop Drinking and Start Living
Ep. #202 The Belief That Made Alcohol Famous
Show Notes Transcript

I have determined there is ONE belief that fuels our entire mindset in the western world about alcohol. 

It’s so powerful that is has you trying to solve all of your problems and create fun with alcohol. 

It has you overriding your own intuition. 

Shaming yourself for not figuring it out. 

Negotiating rules with yourself to keep alcohol around for even, just one drink. 

It has you making yourself sick. 

Fighting with your partner. 

Waking you up at 3 am.

Creating problems where there are none. 

Putting thoughts in other peoples head about what they think about you. 

Not doing your best at work. 

Quitting on yourself, again and again. 

Most importantly, it has you forgetting who you are, what matters most and what you are capable of.

This ONE belief is so powerful, that even AA put it into their big blue book.

They use it to help people quit drinking. 

It is actually the belief that keeps so many who do stop drinking in deprivation.

In my experience, it’s the ONE belief that is the FARTHEST from the truth. 

But this ONE belief is not a FACT, it’s a thought. 

And you get to choose to believe it or not. 

Listen to today’s podcast episode to find out what it is, what what thought you want to start believing instead.

  • The ONE thought that has you and the western world sold on alcohol.
  • What to do with your mind if you aren't drinking.
  • Why constraining your attention is important.
  • The impact of not drinking you are neglecting.
  • How to create evidence from the end result. 
  • The crucial ingredient to change. 
  • How moderation keeps you in the same mindset that has you drinking.
  • Why things don't seem fun without alcohol.

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Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area, you just can't figure out you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms. In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules, and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show my beautiful listeners, I'm so thrilled that you're here. Thank you so much for making my life completes. I just wanted to say thank you so much, I never even celebrated myself. This is the 200 and second episode of stop drinking and start living. Thank you so much for being here. And being a part of my journey, and your willingness to explore new possibilities, you found it like this is I have been just so amplified with sharing this message, I'm getting more and more serious about writing my book. And I know I just need to take action on it. And I have started it before but like, everyone needs to know this right? That there's that the idea of normal drinking is just an opinion. And it is what it is the thought that's fueled our modern day relationship to alcohol, people quitting people getting help the quality of what happens when people quit drinking, how they think that they're going to be in deprivation for the rest of their lives, is by that one thought drinking is normal. And if there's a divergence of that, then then there's something wrong, right. But I just want you to see that someone created that thought, a human brain created that thought, not only am I celebrating 202 episodes, you think it's celebrated 200 I thought about it, and then I kind of forgot. So I was like, but I mean, I'm also celebrating the fact that we are in the top 10% of all podcasts. So they determine that by the number of downloads that you have inside of like a seven day period, and we're just at the 10% like top 10% of what podcasts do so I'm so proud of myself, I'm so proud of you, I know that I have clients that still listen, because you know this work, we apply it to everything. And it's the reminder that there are no boxes, the thought alcohol is normal, or drinking is normal. And I don't in my opinion isn't that drinking is bad or drinking is abnormal? I do kind of lean more towards that, like, regular drinking seems very abnormal to me. But but that's not the point. Those are my opinions that that really serve me. But it's not even like about it being bad, right? It's just that like, it's normal, if you decide that it's that that works for you, right. And we are such like Hive mentality, creatures and tribal mentality. And so we're definitely changing that. And the ability to be like the diversity, like unity and diversity helps solve problems. Because when we only work under one paradigm, it's like, if you're not with us, you're against us. And then like you can't have a just another opinion that doesn't like that's why you know, there's so much polarity. So what this process also helps you do is to remove those boxes, and every other area of your life, where we just think that things are problems because someone told us that they were. And when we start to see how this inter weaves into everything. It's like we start at alcohol, but we're really solving the problem that you have your drinking in the first place. Like, what is your perspective on life because there's like a big thought that a lot of people have when they try to change their relationship to alcohol that we're gonna get into today, which is, if I'm not drinking, I need to be distracting myself doing something else. Right? It's like creating freedom from alcohol is you think that when you can ignore alcohol for long enough, substitute it right, or like, be knocked unconscious just for a couple of weeks, I really used to think that like, what if I could just be like, so sick for a couple of weeks, right? But the problem with that is why I was pregnant for nine months. And when I drink, my mom brought me wine in the ER in the hospital, like I literally drank wine. Right after I had my baby, I couldn't wait to drink is because I never changed my mindset. Because I was always focused on I can't wait to get back to drinking, even though like, I didn't feel like I was in deprivation, my whole pregnancy like and this is like such a beautiful example of what we're going to talk about today is because the connection to the pregnancy fueled my mind in a different way, where I could be with that experience, but it wasn't enough. Like I didn't think about it long term as far as like, how could this same concept? Why I'm connected to this pregnancy? From a place of devotion? How could that fuel the rest of my changing my relationship to alcohol, because like, I wanted to quit so many times in the 20 years, I was drinking. But it was so short lived, you know, when I was mostly in like extreme pain. And that's the other thing that I really want you to remember is like, your mindset is going to convince you every time you feel a little bit better, that things are fine. But you have been wasting so much time on stopping and starting and trying to figure alcohol out where you could refocus your mind and find like this is about how you create freedom. Right? So it's not about substitution. It's not about avoidance. It's not about being sick for two weeks. Because where does your brain go? When you think about not drinking? Your brain goes to four ever, right? Like that's the scariest, like lying, never drink again, really like oh my gosh, I remember. It goes to the doom and the gloom, it goes to all the ways you'll be missing out. And like, oh my gosh, like never again, like for real? Like, is that what it is? All of those thoughts, create emotions that don't feel good also. And then like, you're also like, trying to figure out how do I I'm going to be feel so awkward at this party, like, how do I go? Do I avoid it? Right, your brain is focused on all of the things that don't feel good, all of the reasons you're going to be missing out. But where you need to take your blank brain is to the result you desire most and you make decisions from that place. Even if you don't have the result, everyone has had the experience of waking up most people and feeling the sense of relief that they feel when they realize they haven't drink the night before. So you can always take your brain back to that place. And as humans, we see, everything we see has been created from the human imagination. So although when we get older, we stop using our imagination. And we've really been disconnected from our intuition, especially as women. But this is why I always say focus your mind, stop taking your mind in a bunch of different directions, stop reading all the things, stop listening to relationship advice, and all the self help stuff, focus on this, do yourself a favor and get the shit done and out of the way, right? Like you only have so much capacity in your human brain, plus all of the other things you had to do. So when you get excited about self help, and like this, I know that like learning this new perspective is so exciting for people. And you start to go in all these directions. And I was like, like, a few years ago, I was everywhere I was like, and I really learned how to constrain my attention. And in that I got long term satisfaction because I actually learned that is what I talk about. When I talk about applying the results. I actually learned a new skill set from beginning middle to end so that I could actually have long term satisfaction and then build upon that and then the need for that temporary relief or like that shiny object syndrome. Didn't I didn't need that anymore, right. And like, I still have to manage my mind. I still have a coach, I still have to, you know, no one I'm not making decisions about the shopping cart, right? Like and then I'm like, okay, like you get to decide like this is a powerful moment where you just get to decide. And so now I have like, I have all of these skills and tools. And the most the biggest tool is the tool of awareness of recognizing that I'm doing it and not making it A big deal because my thoughts are my thoughts. And I, like I have them and they're there. And they're only a problem when I make them a problem, right, or I can observe them and then just check make a new decision. This is everything that we learn inside of coaching, to do it for alcohol in the rest of your life, like I'm it. So just know that that's available to you. So when you take your place, when you take your brain to the result that you desire most and make decisions from that place, you have just given your brain an opportunity to solve problems in a new way. Okay, because if you're only stuck in the habitual mindset of for ever, doom and gloom, it's never gonna work. I've never been able to do it before you're making, you're solving problems and making decisions from that place. And then the energy in your body is being fueled by fear and scarcity. And so this is where like, I call it devotion. But you can call it intention. I also like what I teach, when I teach the eta, I talk about leading with your heartfelt intention. So you can fuel it with what your intention is. But when I get people on a consultation, and I asked them, what where are they at with alcohol? Where are they stuck? It's like, how is alcohol impacting your life? It's all negative. No one ever tells me, they say I'm using it as a coping mechanism. So I don't have to feel temporarily, right? So like, that's like the one positive. It's all negative, then when I say what is the impact on your life of not drinking, like, what if you didn't have this problem, like, if you no longer had alcohol exhaustion in your mind wasn't consumed by alcohol, what would be the impact on your life, it is like butterflies and daisies, right? Like they know like, they were like, I'd be more confident I would know how to process my emotions, I wouldn't, you know, like my relationships would change, I would feel healthier, I would be have follow through, there's literally not one negative thing. And so those are all the places that are in alignment with your intention for how you want to live this one most precious life that you have. And then making the decision about making the change has to come from that place as well. But we resist change so much, that even in so much, even when you can see the stark contrast for this is how alcohol is affecting my life impacting my life. And this is how my life will be impacted. When thinking about it is no longer a problem. That same brain can still find a reason to decide that it won't work. Because you've fallen back into your habitual ways of making decisions. And what coaching is all about is about learning how to make powerful decisions. It's about learning how to decide ahead of time, this is the place I want to go on vacation in deciding it's going to be the best thing ever. And this is why you get to decide that ahead of time. But if you let your habitual brain take over and you don't learn how to generate awareness and grow your mind set, and process emotions, when things maybe don't go as planned, because we drop our expectations. You will never be able to create change for yourself. Right, you will always feel stuck. And like that change is something that has to happen outside of you that you're not in control of change. So when you're in the mindset of it being done. I have complete emotional freedom from alcohol. So what I'm going to offer you is what most what the result most people want that like you're in control of right because you're nodding you've tried moderating, you know, that doesn't work that you are in control of the chemical of alcohol and how it affects your body. You You know, obviously if you worked really hard you could control your like how much you're drinking. But what I what I want to reiterate and I've talked about this so many times on the show is moderation is still the same mindset is where you are now and you will spend more time thinking about drinking than you already are when you try to moderate, right like alcohol is still important in your belief scale. So when alcohol is still important, you are not leading with your heartfelt intention. You are not leading with from a place of devotion and until like I just truly I said this on the show last week like I really believe unless we're taking action from that place from full belief that the result is done and like this is my like I'm leaving because this is the work in front of me, that's why that's why this process is just so much different because we can bring the heart into it. And we can bring enthusiasm into even what seems like hard work. When I lead from this is the path that is laid in front of me, who am I to, like, complain about the hard work, everything shifts, when I don't make it about myself. And I understand that there's like, a whole journey that I'm on here, right. And it is about me, and my growth and my journey. But it's also like an act of devotion and service to the great mystery of of life. And when I lead from that place, I'm so detached, from what other people are doing, what other people's actions, and then I get my clients better results. And then I am working with more people. Like the space that I create in my life, my relationship with my, like, every my family, like everyone gets to be themselves, I feel more peaceful. It's like, I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm great at. And I'm great at it. And that's why I'm doing it. That's why I'm here. And if I don't, then I can choose to do something different. So the place that you want to go and desire the most is no longer wanting alcohol, like that is the ultimate result, right? Because if you no longer want alcohol, then then like all of those other things go away, if you literally don't have the desire to drink, it is not a problem that other people are drinking, because you're just like, I don't want to drink, right? Like, it's like, if you don't drink soda, and you go to the movie theaters, and like everyone has a giant soda, you're don't think two thoughts about it, you're just like, I don't like soda is the same thing. We've just put like your brain, like you drink, you know, like a small percentage of the day, maybe your day is, is consumed by alcohol like 5%, if you look at the hours in the day, but your brain is consumed by alcohol, like 95%, and that's where alcohol exhaustion is. And it's consumed 95% Because you have so many conflicting beliefs. And it's because in there you are leading your thought your thoughts have taken the lead of alcohol is normal. And so everything that you're thinking is based around that, in some way, what it means for you to quit drinking, what it means for you to drink and justifying what other people are going to think like, what will my life be like? How will I have fun, right? Because of that one thought that's optional. Everything else is led through some version of that you can figure out what yours is. But all of your other thoughts are structured around this belief because it has become a normal part of your life. Right? So you are used to it. So you have to start reimagining A, we generate evidence, okay, so you have evidence, it's not like you have to believe in some fantastical thing. The only thing is, is when the chemical of alcohol is in your body, your ability to find natural pleasure and joy, from the things in our life that are supposed to bring us natural pleasure and joy is diminished because of the fluctuations of dopamine. And that natural response for pleasure and joy does get diminished greatly. Like I was just talking to a client today. And I was like I am so in love with my son right now. Like, I mean, I'm always in love with him, but just like the age that he's at, and my interactions with him, even if he's being emote, like having his emotions, but he's like reading and he's still in imaginating he'll be seven next week. And he's just in this place where it's like so fun to engage with him. He's like doing all of the things he like made himself oatmeal the other morning and we're doing crafts and but he's still in imagination plays and he always wants to snuggle and love me and I am just so excited to see him and I'm so I'm just like giving him hugs all the time. And just kind of like that. I feel like I'm back in that baby phase with him a little bit of just like googoo gaga kind of like staring into his eyes. And when your mind is so focused on alcohol, you don't get that same euphoria from those things that are like embedded in our in our DNA for us to react right those the oxytocin like Those aren't the same, but they're there so that we can procreate, right? So we can take care of our offspring. So we can, you know, be in a tribe of similar minded people and our survival, but alcohol overrides all of our natural tendencies. So you do lose the out with alcohol. So you have to bring, you have to intentionally bring yourself to that place. And the best place to do it is get out of black and white thinking, and generate the evidence like that you already have because you're not drinking 100% of the day. So it's like, how am I handling this other these other nine this like other like 95% of my day? And what are things that feel really great already when I'm doing them? And it's not like you're, you're overriding the alcohol and just going into like, say, Go, I'm just gonna do yoga all the time, I'm going to become like a gym rat, and like, just distract myself? No, it's when you're making decisions about drinking, you put yourself in that energetic space. So just for a moment, I want you to imagine and take a couple breaths. And just imagine what the impact of your life would be like if you no longer wanted alcohol. If elbow if like this, alcohol exhaustion was just not a problem. And you in like, a few weeks, you realize that you were chilling out on a Friday night. And the only thing you ever thought about on Friday was what am I going to drink Friday night. And then in like three weeks from now you realize, oh, my God, I have not thought about alcohol today at all. And your whole mindset shifted. And you're, you've regained some of that ability to access your oxytocin. And you're having a family game night, and you've decided on a new recipe that you're going to cook. And you're ready to excited to go to bed and read a couple of pages of your new book and wake up early to go to your hot yoga class on Saturday morning. And then that's going to fuel the rest of your day, you're going to do some crafting, for the holidays, you're going to do all of your shopping and oh one in like one hour, you're going to do all of your checkouts or not you're gonna make powerful decisions. You're going to enjoy some sexy time with your mate. You're going to maybe even go out to a, you know, a girl's Happy Hour and order a club soda and laugh and not even worry about what anyone's drinking. Like, what would that feel like? So you get into that space? And you understand why that's important. Why would you say yes to that. And then when you make decisions, when you say no to a drink from that place, you are going to have access to such different problem solving. You're gonna think if these are my friends, it doesn't matter whether or not I drink. It doesn't even matter whether or not I talked to them about maybe that I'm having an urge, right now. You're going to be able to access How did I get here? Right? So I want you to imagine, when you are thinking about changing your relationship to alcohol and creating freedom from alcohol, that you aren't creating it from the mindset that got you there, you're not creating freedom from alcohol by avoiding alcohol, you're creating freedom from alcohol, by giving yourself an opportunity and taking your brain to the result that you desire the most and making decisions from that place. How does that version of yourself choose? What thoughts do they think? How do they solve problems? They're very mature. They actually like don't really worry about what other people think because they're not 15. And they set boundaries, right? They choose their wellness, they decide to go to bed early, and then it's give themselves permission to say no to a gathering. Right? They ask for what they need from their partner and say like, you know, this is what I'm doing. And I would appreciate if you know you didn't involve me in your drinking, because it's not interesting to me anymore. Like whatever that needs to be for that version of yourself. Everyone's different And that's where your genius comes in. Because you're gonna have different interpretations of it just based on your past and the life that you have right now. And then you're gonna start tapping into the subtleties of satisfaction of all of the things that you've already created in your life that you enjoy. And I know like things are challenging people experience grief. And, you know, that is a huge thing. But it is also a choice of how you want to let that define you. And can that be, you know, can like challenging emotions and challenging situations, can you allow them to also fuel your devotion and your intention, like, I think grief is such a powerful way, we just lost my father in law. After an eight year struggle, or an eight year I shouldn't even say struggle, but it was, but like, an eight year triumph of living with ALS, and he gracefully decided to come off of his ventilators, this was about a month ago. And it was, it's still very hard. I mean, this, this is going to be our first holiday without him. And, you know, Matthew, was very close, like to his father, and like, that I know, is what he chooses to focus on. He's really like, he's been preparing, we've all been preparing in our minds for this day, and kind of what a gift that we had the ability to know when it would happen. But he's really choosing to focus on the richness that his life is because of the relationship that they had, you know, and then the last eight years were very different, because they didn't do all of the things that they you know, that they spent time doing before. And it was more of like, care and readjusting all of those things. But there's always an opportunity to use, like, there is always a blessing and everything, I really, truly believe that. But that's your choice, if you want to choose to decide to look at your life that way. But what I know is if you aren't willing to look through the lens of like being in the energy of the result you want, you're going to continue to struggle. And so the skill set that that takes is a being honest, is starting to normalize what's been internalized. The my clients and the conversations that they're allowing themselves to have with other people in their lives that they never would have had otherwise, is because we break the ice together. So normalizing what's been internalizing and getting that stuff out and realize like, then it stops compounding all of your all of those emotions, right? Because when you instead of you just reiterating the same story again and again and again, forever, and doom and gloom, and all the ways you're going to be missing out, we start to talk about it from a neutral perspective. And then we solve the problem, right? Like we come to this, we come to the call, ready to solve the problem and find the solution. But if you're not willing to do that, it's not going to work, right. But it's not like lofty like mantras, or anything that you don't believe it's like real evidence that you just weren't seen, because you have a human brain, and your brain goes to black and white thinking. And it's just like, this is, you know, it's all or nothing, and our brain always zooms in on the negative. So again, you have 100% of a day. And then there's like one fight that lasts five minutes, and all your brain can think about is how much of an asshole he is. Right? Instead of focusing on like all the other amazing things. My favorite thought I'll tell you again, is if this is the worst thing that happens to me, I'm still doing okay. And I when I was sick, I thought that too. I'm like, I'm so healthy, I'm gonna be better. Like, this is not a problem. It sucks. I'm not loving it. But like, if this is the worst thing that happens to me, I'm still doing okay. You know, like I had resources I had the support that I needed. And yeah, right, I could have sat in that I could still be so bummed out. Like I missed Thanksgiving, I flew all the way to New York to be in Thanksgiving with my family and the missed it. And that does suck, but like, I'm not going to dwell on it because that literally doesn't change anything. And like, I just have to trust that there is a blessing in it. And there was such a huge blessing in it. And that was me, being in love with my life that I've created. And just reminding myself of all of the mundane tasks are so like the fact that I can do them because I have a healthy body. It's such a privilege. It's such a privilege and you get to choose to decide I hate to live your life this way, and think this way. And if you don't, you're going to always want to drink. So come and learn these skill sets with me blow your mind, like, oh my gosh, two, three weeks. On the other side of it, when you really show up ready to want to see it different. Like, then you're not in deprivation. So the Forever is just like not even a problem. So you don't have to worry about that. Now, it's just such an exploration, because everyone that shows up for coaching is also nervous, like they have that same thought to. But when they start to normalize what's been internalized and start to be honest, and start to generate evidence, there's so much relief, that relief that alcohol is giving you temporarily. It's like we find that with your brain. We take you to the place of the result that you desire most and we make decisions from that place. Have an amazing week. I can't wait to meet you and I'll talk to you soon. Hi, it's Mary Wagstaff. I want to personally invite you to spend one hour with me one on one. Because you deserve to know what's holding you back is your time, alcohol has had its fair share. We're going to talk about possibilities about how to align your thoughts and actions with your dreams and what matters most to you about why alcohol is no longer suited for the life you want to live. How you can get on the fast track to freedom from alcohol and stay there without deprivation. Follow the link in the show notes or on my website Mary Wagstaff To schedule your complimentary call and get a new perspective on an old habit.