In today's episode I discuss the ONE and ONLY reason that over rides every single excuse in the book for why you can't stop drinking. And so I don’t leave you hanging, the one and ONLY solution that works in every situation. Right now, you don't yet believe that a life without alcohol will be better than the suffering it is causing you. (this is happening in your subconscious) That some how, alcohol is STILL the solution. Until you DO this work, the work I offer to my clients, you will always be in deprivation, chasing a shadow of pleasure to fill a void that keeps getting bigger and bigger, and strengthens your attachment. The solution from the suffering alcohol is causing you, actually LIVES in the thing you are avoiding: your emotions.
You want to FEEL better, but you don’t want to feel. All of the questions you have around drinking boil down to one answer. Your unwillingness to become aware of your emotions, validate and understand them. I teach my clients to find comfort and ease in the emotional intelligence of the self, from here, the place of dissociation created by alcohol, actually no longer feels safe. Get your emotional intimacy step by step guide when you sign up for my free, How To Stop Drinking Workshop. Also, when you schedule a complimentary alignment session with me HERE.
Click Here To Join The Sustainable Sobriety Course Today.
YOU CAN BREAK FREE FROM THE CYCLE OF STOPPING AND STARTING AND THE TRAP OF MODERATION,
BY EMBRACING A PATH THAT ALLOWS YOU TO MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT THE BURDEN OF COUNTING DAYS OR HIDING YOUR TRUE SELF.
Sustainable Sobriety Is Here! Keep the needle moving forward no matter if you do or don't drink.
Join Sustainable Sobriety Course, where you'll learn everything to find the confidence to be authentically you in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
In today's episode I discuss the ONE and ONLY reason that over rides every single excuse in the book for why you can't stop drinking. And so I don’t leave you hanging, the one and ONLY solution that works in every situation. Right now, you don't yet believe that a life without alcohol will be better than the suffering it is causing you. (this is happening in your subconscious) That some how, alcohol is STILL the solution. Until you DO this work, the work I offer to my clients, you will always be in deprivation, chasing a shadow of pleasure to fill a void that keeps getting bigger and bigger, and strengthens your attachment. The solution from the suffering alcohol is causing you, actually LIVES in the thing you are avoiding: your emotions.
You want to FEEL better, but you don’t want to feel. All of the questions you have around drinking boil down to one answer. Your unwillingness to become aware of your emotions, validate and understand them. I teach my clients to find comfort and ease in the emotional intelligence of the self, from here, the place of dissociation created by alcohol, actually no longer feels safe. Get your emotional intimacy step by step guide when you sign up for my free, How To Stop Drinking Workshop. Also, when you schedule a complimentary alignment session with me HERE.
Click Here To Join The Sustainable Sobriety Course Today.
YOU CAN BREAK FREE FROM THE CYCLE OF STOPPING AND STARTING AND THE TRAP OF MODERATION,
BY EMBRACING A PATH THAT ALLOWS YOU TO MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT THE BURDEN OF COUNTING DAYS OR HIDING YOUR TRUE SELF.
Sustainable Sobriety Is Here! Keep the needle moving forward no matter if you do or don't drink.
Join Sustainable Sobriety Course, where you'll learn everything to find the confidence to be authentically you in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
Welcome, welcome. My name is Mary Wagstaff. I am a life coach who ended a 20 year relationship with alcohol without labels, counting days, or ever making excuses. In this podcast, we will explore my revolutionary approach to quitting alcohol that breaks all the rules, amazing stories from women who are throwing a better party because of it, and how you can stop drinking and start living. The show is not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. Please talk to a health professional if you're alcohol consumption is a risk to your mental and physical health. Now on with the show. Hello, my beautiful listeners. It's Mary Wagstaff for another episode of stop drinking and start living oh my gosh, I feel like I haven't been here for a while only because I was proactive, I got ahead of myself. And I had done a few podcasts in a row with some amazing interviews, I hope that you really enjoyed them. Some people really near and dear to my heart that have changed my life. And as you know, every hero on the journey needs their own guide. And I just like to share and show that we don't do this alone. And one of the main ingredients of changing your relationship to alcohol, or making a decision, which is what you haven't been doing, you've been on the fence about changing a relationship to alcohol, but just making a firm decision to finally commit to yourself starts to tell your subconscious mind that you're paying attention. And on that journey is also the art of asking for help. And so that might be from a partner that you need some time that might be coming to a coach like myself or someone to support you through the process of that you can be seen, heard and validated, but at your own pace with your own story. And that's why I don't do group coaching. Because although there can be value in group coaching, we all have our own history of trauma and emotional triggers, and beliefs and background and stories that we've created around alcohol in our own unique situations that I really like to meet my clients, one on one from how they show up uniquely. So we can really create that intimate relationship of vulnerability so that they can be seen and heard and they create a safe container in which to practice and, and for for them to be seen. So when you make a decision to change your relationship with alcohol, the first and most important decision is that you're committing to not giving up on yourself. And so many people have so much drama around just making the decision because what does that mean about the rest of their life, I'll never drink again. But you don't start at that place. And so when you're courageous enough to start to just inquire further, because that higher voice inside of you is saying this isn't working. And now you're having physical manifestations of your emotional pain not being met. And there's relationship problems and, you know, potentially, you know, you're not showing up at work in the way you want to and your kids are starting to notice and you're wanting to sleep in more and you have no energy and, you know, on and on and on, or you're just not taking care of yourself. The process isn't about just not drinking, it's about showing up to answer that call that little voice inside of you that is just crying for attention. And it's probably a younger voice inside of you that was neglected when you were a younger person that never had the chance to integrate emotion. And so all of those emotions that you feel that you subconsciously view as bad or wrong. You have been trying to solve with solve that problem with avoidance and disembodiment disassociation through alcohol. But now you can see that the further you get away from the emotional pain body, which is just the emotional discomfort, the more suffering that you've that you're creating. And so the real reason that you can't stop Drinking is because you want to feel better, but you don't want to feel. And frankly, you might not even know how to feel anymore. You don't even know what that means you don't think that there's a use in feeling? all of the questions that you have around drinking boil down to one answer. So all of those excuses why can I only get this far in my in my drinking? What about going out for happy hour meeting, you know, talking to other people holidays? all the excuses that we come up with these what ifs, what ifs, what is what ifs? all of the questions boil down to what answer is your unwillingness to become aware of your emotions, to validate them and understand them. So even in the times that are seemingly joyful, they're still an emotion of discomfort by just being there without that drink in your hand, and disinviting enough that you're just out of your feeling body. So you're still avoiding an emotion and it's still discomfort, even if it's not like a painful memory. And this is something that people don't really understand that they think they want to drink just for celebration. But then, but the act of accomplishment or pride is also an uncomfortable emotion because you've never practiced it. You quit on yourself when there is a point even sometimes in the hormone cycle that has a little bit more input into your everyday. So sometimes like, during menstruation or even after there's a lot of energy in the cycle. And so you're like I'm doing this, I'm feeling great, I'm empowered. And then it comes back around to maybe some hormonal times. And there's more emotions that come up. And because you don't know how to meet your emotions, because your emotions have been avoided, or discomfort or in the emotional body, or you're more stressed, you give up on yourself and you allow the pain and just the unease of feeling to take over and so you start to drink again, then that's why there's only like a short window where you can feel really good. And you're you're not necessarily white knuckling through it, you're kind of on this high because you're at a more balanced hormonal level. But then you had to start from square one again, because you're drinking, and then everything gets, you know, taken out of whack again. So pain or discomfort is a completely normal response to something being wrong. pain or discomfort is a completely normal response to something being wrong, or to giving you information. So for example, we burn ourselves and we feel pain, right? So what do you do you go attend to that burn, you put an ice pack on it or cream on it or something right, you cover it up. But when we and also when we are listening to the collective mind that has normalized emotional avoidance, and then also the conditioning from our childhood that told us to feel a certain way was wrong, or they belittled or undermined a feeling that we had that felt completely valid to us. We blatantly ignore the discomfort now of emotions. So we attend to emotions the way that we were taught, and that the way the collective has agreed on that is normalized to handle emotion. I mean, it's insane. It's really crazy, especially when you get away from it for a while and you see the perspective of like, literally everyone drinks and literally everyone is disembodied. I mean, okay, not everyone drinks, but people that have not had a mean if they're not drinking, there's probably some other coping mechanism that they're utilizing to not feel the emotional discomfort of life. So instead of the ice pack, for your emotional pain, we add more fire, we dump booze on it. And so what does that happen? Right? Well, then what happens? So you might just pass out or forget all about it because you're in so much. Like you're so disoriented from what's happening, that you just pass out, but then the next day, you wake up to this giant, oozing blister, and then 20 years of ignoring your emotional discomfort, the Woon is likely to have now manifested into a really big physical symptom that you cannot ignore likely you got to get your arm amputee amputated. And this is what we do with our emotional pain body, we don't see it as the same way. So when you start to shift this perspective, so there's the fate the physical body. And then underneath that there is an energetic vibrational emotional pain body that our thoughts trigger our thoughts trigger hormones. And then there's a vibrational match that creates sensations in the body. But because we have never been taught how to process this or understand this, because we live in a patriarchal, masculine dominated world that doesn't value emotions, and we see this blatantly now, even more so where it's like, the the, you know, even in as being a woman moving up in the ranks, to be strong, isn't to understand the emotional self and the emotions. But to be strong is to suffer and push through right is to is to like lie, cheat, steal, ignore, avoid, and just muscle our way through, until there's what will get your attention for so many people is a physical manifestation. And so it's not just alcohol, ruining your liver, physical manifestations of unmet emotional discomfort or pain will come out in so many ways. Sometimes it's through more emotions, anxiety, depression, but a lot of times, it can be you know, irritable bowel syndrome, diabetes, skin irritations, the list goes on and on and on and on sleep disorder. So now, because the only thing that you'll meet is your physical discomfort, now you go to the doctor to slap a bandaid, and the root cause is still there, and then you're still drinking on top of it. Every time that you have tried quitting, you end up eating a bunch of crap, because you're still not willing to be unconditionally supportive to the emotional pain body, you end up zoning out watching a bunch of Netflix, you do anything that you can to avoid the pain still. And now some people will argue, well, at least I'm not drinking, but you're never getting to the root of the cause. And then something else is going to continue to cause you suffering. You may not have the suffering of alcohol, but you might end up just being a drunk what people call a dry drunk, so you don't drink but you feel a deprivation still your entire life and you're still trying to fill that void, that empty void that can only be met. When you meet the emotional discomfort. When you meet the emotional pain body. That's where you solve the problem. And in that place, it cannot hurt you. You will just continue that void gets bigger and bigger and bigger and you just chase it and chase it and chase it because you've never pause to meet yourself. This pain, this discomfort, your emotions are like a child scratching at your window. But you just keep closing the blinds on it and just keep saying go away go away. But she's crying and screaming and she's scared and all she wants. The first step is for you just to let her in. And that's the acknowledgement. That's the acknowledgement of just first saying that there's an emotion here. She just wants you to be okay that, that yes, I have emotions and it's okay. That's the first step. Why were we born with this emotional spectrum. This is our birthright if we weren't here to honor and to use it. By using coping mechanisms that disembody us and dissociate from the physical self and the reality. You have completely turned your back on yourself. You love yourself when you're having an amazing day and the kids are happy The house is clean and you just finished the last thing on your to do list. But even then you can't just bask in that sense of pride. You have to take it to the next level. And so you dump some gasoline on that discomfort like I was saying earlier, nervous excitement of Prop pride and accomplishment is also something that you're unfamiliar with. It's, then it's ruined. And now the next day you're cleaning up all over again and you're, everything's out of whack again. And then all of that sense of accomplishment and pride that you felt is just gone in. So now you're back and blame back and shame and black back in isolation. And you can't just simply sit with the understanding, why can't a feel good moment be enough? Because you're just haven't slowed down enough to ask yourself, what does this mean? What is this here to tell me? Do I even want this anymore? And why isn't it okay? To just feel the simplicity of feeling good? Why does it always have to be next level, that's not even natural. That's not even. That's not the thrill rides are two minutes, right, we know that they're going to come and go and end that's not our entire life. That's not that's not our birthright or birth rate is to find the pace of life, the heartbeat, one after another after another. Now, that's not what you're sold. But the society has been created to create consumers and producers, right? We aren't created to be independent, free thinkers to live in to our own unique self. And even that message of spirituality has also been taken out of the doctrine. All of the the magic of human liberation of being uniquely who you are, has been stripped from the history books, stripped from education, stripped from society. And unless you are an independent, creative, and you're, you know, you're you're really starting to tune into this pain, body of suffering. And you're just following what's out there, the next thing that they're selling you to tell you that it's going to be better in this group think that's just selling cars and selling more courses and selling more certifications and selling more booze. None of it is going to help you meet yourself, the only way to get out of suffering is to go in. So that spiral starts again, every time even when it's a feel good emotion and we drink. There's another spiral the void. And you don't want to feel like that. So what do you do you eat, you drink, you binge on something, and it's never ending. And it's an awful feeling. Your feeling body, your emotional being is not a nuisance. It is your birthright to feel. If you descend into the darkness, of the subconscious, of the feelings, you will emerge unscathed. It is actually the place that you have been avoiding for most of your life that holds the answers to all of your suffering. I want you to think about this even before you started drinking. What ways Did you disassociate? It might have been daydreaming literature. For me, it was pot I was smoking pot since I was like 12 or 13. I was also a wonder lost traveling forever looking for the next best thing. I've also recently discovered that as much as my yoga practice and my spirituality has been a tethered for me, it's also been a coping mechanism to just make me feel better instead of really diving into the emotional self. One thing that I've been have been doing as a practice besides just feeling or that's been allowing me to feel really as Kundalini Yoga, without blame without judgment, with full acceptance of my emotional self as a tool for integration. And the other thing is prayer, to just be able to be with that connection of the essence of my divinity. And to know that I am here to have this human experience to have this human Earth walk for a reason that My Divine Self is up for whatever is met, and that it can all be a mystery, and magical and that sad doesn't have to be bad. And that I believe it's Marianne Williamson who says when she's talking about A Course in Miracles, that maybe it's in the Course in Miracles that a miracle is simply just a shift in perspective. So when you dive into that darkness that seems so scary, and it's only just because you don't know it. But as we know, an emotion or a feeling can't hurt you, what hurts you is years and years and years of avoiding that emotion and then drinking and binge drinking. And that just manifests into problems and every single area of your life and real physical pain that you might not be able to. That might not go away, like it could be irreversible. But what I do know is unmet emotional, unmet emotions will manifest into physical symptoms, to get your attention. And so when your eyes adjust to the light in the darkness, right, or excuse me, when your eyes adjust to the darkness, that's when the light becomes brighter, right. So that's when we have those aha moments when we are brave enough to start to look inward. And we do it with the help of a supportive other. And we create the safe container of what's possible, because you finally shown up for yourself unconditionally, then you start to see the light, because the lights there, the light of your being the light of who you are, hasn't gone anywhere. And so all of these questions that you have about drinking and all the drama, you're creating around alcohol, and all of the other podcasts that you have listened to, because I've listened to him to have all of you know what to do about this, this, this isn't this, it's all the same answer my friend, it is just you meeting yourself, again, it is you unconditionally, showing up to say, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to finally listen to what you have to say, even while you're drinking, even while you're crying. Even when it doesn't make sense. You're just gonna keep showing up. So this is the process of emotional intimacy, and being fully present with yourself on conditionally. And so when we practice this, we practice it in a couple of ways when we're triggered by a big emotion. So what happens sometimes is there's an event that happens of circumstance in our life, and it triggers a thought and then an emotion. Well, the emotion might not seem to meet the circumstance and might be more. So we're even kind of embarrassed to look at that. What was this all about, or I shouldn't have felt that way. Or at some point when I was embarrassed. When I was little, someone told me that they didn't validate that so I can't even look at it myself. Now, I shouldn't be feeling this way. So I'll give you a really funny example. It's funny to me now, it wasn't funny in the moment. So we just went away, we have a secret hidden lake and Eastern Oregon that we go to. And I was out for the day by myself, the boys were somewhere else. And I had kayaks, you could just like kayak from the shore to the beach, from the campsite to the little beach. And so I hopped over and I have my hula hoop on a kayak, which is already like a funny sight. And I have this like floppy hat on, but you can pull down pretty tight and I was coming back and there was just like, there's like no one there. That's why we go. So there's a few people like on the beach, and I have my hula hoop. So I already felt a little like exposed with the hoop. And my hat flies off. And I'm twirling around in this kayak with the hula hoop and then with my order trying to like dig this hat out of the water. Now if I jump in the kayaks going over probably like the hoop is there. It's already kind of unbalanced. I get this major flood of emotion like panic out of control. I'm like on a boat in the kayak, which I had already decided it was a metaphor for my subconscious, like a boat alone in the water, right? And it's like, you don't know what that's at the depth, sir, you think you're in control, but you're really not. So like my metaphor comes to life. I think I'm in control. And I'm not the hat flies off. It goes to the depths. And I'm like, ah, freaking out. So I'm a little embarrassed as the flood. I don't even know I don't look to see if anyone's watching. I just like paddle away. And like, Who cares? Like it was a gust of wind that happened, right? But it mattered to me. And so I kayak back I go back to the campsite, no one's there. And my immediate reaction we were leaving in two days was to want to leave. And this is a pattern that I've had in the past. This is also something that I was taught when I was little is to just like you're embarrassed doesn't feel good. Avoid head down, go run away, blame it on something else, right. So I've been working on this for many years, but I've been really working on it by feeling it. And so I'm like, I'm going to leave I'm just going to I have my own car. I can just leave I'm going to tell the boys I'm leaving. Like what right a family vacation like Now, so I've been doing this emotional intimacy work really deeply with my clients and with myself. And so like, this is the perfect time, no one's here. And this is the work I want you guys to do. I sat down with myself and I went through this process, and I've been doing some shadow and inner child work with my clients. So I can do this with myself, and anyone can do it with themselves. But it does take some practice. And it's really nice if you're starting out, and you're feeling a little uncomfortable, but about feeling how to go a little bit deeper. So I, the first step is to stop creating a story about being able to that this emotion should be another way, right? The emotion was what it was. So I need to validate it before I can change it and feel another way. It's not silly for me to be embarrassed, I was embarrassed, what was wrong with that, or I felt out of control and kind of isolated, my heart rate went up, I was like, flush, and I had all this heat in my body. So the first part of this emotional intimacy is the awareness is the awareness of just stating that there is an emotion there. And then I'm feeling it and honoring and respecting that. And then the second part is to feel to be with the sensations that are arising unconditionally, and to stop telling yourself you should be feeling a different way. That's ridiculous. This is what we do to our children, this is probably what has been done to us, we just want them to be happy all the time. Here's a popsicle, stop crying. By doing that you're invalidating their emotions is silly as someone else's emotions seem to you, they're theirs, and they're yours. offer yourself total presence, compassion and care to this process, experienced the unfolding of the emotion with the senses. So go into the feeling as deep as you can call in more sensation, and just continue to breathe if it becomes intense. So like I said, I was the this embarrassed, I will just say embarrassment was my emotion was a flood of heats, increased heart rate tense, I was tensing up. And then when you give yourself this awareness, and this unconditional support, you open up the body, you soften into the motion, and you start to become aware of the feeling like it's happening, you know, through you like you're watching a movie, and then you just become fascinated with it. So instead of avoiding it, we shift the perspective and then it turns into a miracle. And this is where the magic truly happens. We become fascinated with what this emotion is trying to tell me like kind of like a suspense plot and the story like just get super, super curious, seek to understand what the real story is behind this emotion. So my story was that I felt out of control, I couldn't control those circumstances. And I felt super vulnerable. And so in that moment, my coping mechanism, probably in the past would have been, I probably would have immediately had a drink, but I probably would have like been drinking on the kayak was to pack up and run away. So like no one else could see it or experience it. Like I don't really know how that's solving the problem. But that was what I was taught, right. So that was what that was telling me was that if I leave in, I'm invisible, then it didn't happen. Right. And also, that it's okay to be human. So there might be something that happens that seems really simple, like, the kids just made a mess in the house, and you just clean the floor. And so you're just like, enraged about it now. And so you're making it all about the kids in the dirt on the floor. But if you sit and you start to really look at it, the fact that there's dirt on the floor again, might mean this rage could really be that you feel underappreciated, and that your efforts in the house go unnoticed or that you feel unimportant. And so when you can honor that and see that and then you can offer yourself you know, it's okay that I feel like this, but then is when you can start to go look at the thoughts the real thoughts. Is that true, right. So from there after you listen to what the emotion is trying to tell you, you validate and so when we add this step To Life, we validate our emotions, we don't need alcohol or any other way to disembody. To stop the emotion, we get to tell ourselves, no, it's okay that I feel that way. I'm going to feel it unapologetically. And I know that it has a purpose. we own our own experience. And this is when we stop reacting, and we choose to start feeling and our emotions become more important than the alcohol. And then the alcohol, the act of disembodiment becomes unsafe, and the emotion and the real thing that's happening in real time, becomes your safe, safe pavatt and becomes the place where you can know when you could trust because it's you empathize with understand that there is a purpose for this emotion and it's perfectly normal and Okay, to feel this way. acknowledge that there is a purpose for this experience. So you can like you tell yourself embarrassment, I'm here with you. I'm present with you, how you show up and whatever, you have to tell me. I don't want you to change. I want to understand a full experience of you and I'm not going anywhere. Oh, and I know what else was underneath that. So I forgot this piece of it. I was feeling really unattractive and I will just be completely vulnerable. So it was like it's super dry. Where we were I had given myself like a quarantine haircut. My hair is curly. I love my hair. It was like dry. My face was dried out my hair was flat and dirty or like camping. Right? We did have a good time but I kept looking in the mirror like oh, my gosh, I like look old like I feel gross like boba I sense got like an amazing haircut from Laura, the hula hoop instructor that was on here. Anyway. So now Thank you, Laura. And I was like, I think I had been carrying that around this whole week of like, this feeling of aging and just feeling like in a different place in my in my experience and like the last time we were at this particular place and being sober and just like really taking it all in and I was even sitting with that the process of just like being in a new phase and being like the mom and I'm not you know, like this young party girl anymore. But I'm I'm even though I was still hula hooping, right? So anyway, I was just like really taking this all in and processing that. And I think that that place of embarrassment was me already feeling like not super confident in my physical body. But something I was like very aware of, and I'm like, it's okay, these changes happen in life, like, it's okay to feel this way. And let's really be with that. And so this might seem all like a lot of work. And it is, but you know, what's a lot of work is feeling like shit from alcohol is suffering. And thinking about alcohol and planning it and having a hangover and ruining your life and going to the doctor's and on and on and on and on and on. And not being there to support your kids and not changing the way that you're emotionally processing things. And then invalidating the people's emotions that are around you and ruining relationships. That's a lot of work. And telling yourself that you're not really there for yourself. That's a lot of work. And it doesn't mean you're happy all the time. But it means you don't look at your emotions as wrong. The next step is to allow Don't rush this process in don't get the mind involved right now. So we talk a lot about thoughts creating our feelings. But right now, until you can really acknowledge where you're at, really acknowledge your feelings, and that you are ashamed and embarrassed and feel like crap about your drinking and that you've been avoiding it until you can acknowledge that trying to change the thoughts and create new value system is very, very challenging. But it can happen quickly once you start this process. So let the emotional body be with its own intelligence, let it have a beginning, middle and end and don't try to force anything. So it kind of just like bubbles up. So we say like, I needed to get it together. I need to be strong. This is telling yourself that you're actually how you're actually feeling is it important. So instead, say it's okay that you feel sad and weak right now I understand you're allowed to feel this way. There's nothing wrong wrong with that. I will be here for you fully through this entire process. Isn't that what we're seeking from the alcohol that confidant? That person to tell us it's going to be okay, isn't that what we're seeking in all of our relationships? Right, but we don't do it for ourselves. We are a fair weathered friend to ourself. How can we expect someone else to fill that void for us when we don't even do it for ourselves. And then we can't even show up to have that same intimacy and validation for another person. It doesn't mean you don't deserve it from another person. But it means you need to show up for yourself, you're an adult, you can parent yourself, you go and you save that part of yourself that never got validated here in this moment. Now, we can change the past and the energetic vibrations of the past by validating our emotions right now. And then the last step, but this is only really when you're in that place of acceptance, where you can really start to admit that you haven't been showing up for yourself. But that's the thing that you're that is crying out to you. And the only reason that you're drinking, and the only answer to all of the the excuses that always come up again and again and again. And again. And I'm telling you, there's only one answer. So I don't even really need to go out and with this podcast, because this is it, is you need to start feeling. If you don't start feeling and start taking time, instead of doing the dishes, you go sit by yourself for five minutes. Instead of doing that next load of laundry, you go sit by yourself for five minutes, instead of having a drink, you go sit by yourself for five minutes, instead of leaving the campsite, you go sit by yourself. So this is only to be done once you've accepted that the initial emotion is valid and okay. So don't try to solve for the problem by forcing a new emotion, which is what you're doing with drinking, which is what I was going to do with leaving the campsite. Once you have fully understood your feelings and accepted its presence, you can strategize a solution that can offer you more grace, and maybe from a new and loving perspective of caring for yourself unconditionally. Isn't that a novel idea caring for ourselves unconditionally. It's amazing. I am so excited for you to start this process. And so I was able to come up with a resolution for myself, I actually just kind of laughed about it. Once I validated the emotions, and I understood how I was feeling and I had been feeling insecure, I kind of replayed this vision of myself swirling around with my hula hoop. And it was able to laugh and I was able to tell the story. And I was able to be vulnerable, unapologetically. And do you think that anyone shamed me for that? No. Because when you offer vulnerability for sup to people that love you, they see you and they respect you and love you. And even if they don't, you know that you have shown up for yourself. And that's the only person that needs to validate your experience is you. And so the only thing that you need to know. And the only reason that you haven't been able to quit drinking is simply because you haven't been able to feel. And so this is how you stop. And this is the process that I take my clients through this amongst other things, right? So we hold and we create sacred space, and we start looking at all the emotions that you've been avoiding, and the story behind them. And then we meet yourself, you meet yourself with unconditional love. And you don't have to have a mindset ready, we create the mindset together, right? You don't have to be ready, quote, unquote, you just have to know and to listen to that inner voice that says, Now is the time because I guarantee if you're listening to this podcast, you've had more and more triggers coming up for you that are just cluing you in like this can't be the way this isn't working. Right? Even though in the past you've been like, yeah, alcohol has been giving me a hangover, blah, blah, blah. But now what happens the subconscious comes up because your your basic needs are being met, right? You're safe, you have food, you have shelter, you have clothes on your back. There's no excuses right now in your life for not looking at this. And you know, one of the biggest things that people worry about is when am I going to drink is it going to be forever? You just start with today. That's all you can do. And you've heard the interviews on the podcast, you've heard about people and this, you know this truly unexpected gift that is only possible and available to you when you start to show up to look at it. And the really amazing thing about this process unraveling your relationship around alcohol is that you get to see not only what you have been avoiding that is feels uncomfortable, but all of the amazing, unique things about yourself that you've also been covering up about alcohol. Alcohol isn't just about avoiding pain, but alcohol is also covering up all your amazing gifts and talents and beauty about who you are. It is there waiting to be outward and expressed. So at the same time, as you might be moving through some discomfort, which is actually feels like a relief, like after I had that experience. And I wasn't drinking, you know, I was like, Oh, well, I just moved through that that was fine, you know what it would have felt like, if I even would have like, went home and left, it would have been, you know, not like drinking, but it would have been a similar thing I would have been coping in this way of avoidance. So there's so many ways that we cope. And that's why when a lot of people change their relationship to alcohol, a big thing that people start to do is they eat instead. And this is just another form of coping, right. And I talked about this earlier. And so the work that I do, is getting to the root and getting us like super comfortable with who you are, it sounds really dramatic. But it's super important. And it doesn't take that long to get used to it. And then you're like, Oh, yeah, that's me like, and you honor it, and you take a bath instead. And then you stop making excuses. And you're like, well, there's, you know, like, it's like, oh, everyone's drinking Well, what else am I gonna do, and you're like, No, I'm gonna go work out, or I'm gonna go take yoga, or I'm gonna go read a book on the beach. And like, you stop, you start knowing who you are, and you stop making excuses for like, living your life exactly the way that you want to. Because you realize you're in control. Now you are the adult, you are the parent, you are parenting yourself, no one is going to do it for you. So now that you know, the only reason that you can't stop drinking, and yes, there is the addictive, habitual quality, but that is just like, that's just like moving houses, right? Like, you move houses and you couple times you go bark in your old driveway. But you just slowly know that that's not the way home anymore, they're not gonna let you in and you know, the Way to Happiness and comfort and where all your basic needs are, is that other road towards your emotions. And slowly you just start to see that those imprints of that old way home is no longer the way and it just you you recognize the the little What do I call them? It's like the, the you just start to recognize those little false imprints of old memories. And that's, that's literally all it is. It's just old grooves and old pathways that are just laughable. Once you start to get a hang of knowing who you are, and knowing who what your emotions are really telling you, versus just old thoughts and old beliefs. And they can linger for a while but you're just like, yeah, yeah, whatever. And then you feel into the body. And you start to say, what's this telling me? Why am I being triggered right now, even if there's an old imprint, if it's something that hasn't shown up in a while, and but you're just busy doing other things at that point, you're, you're really enjoying your life, you're trying new stuff. And so I would love for you to go to my website. And I also just leave it in the show notes on this podcast, to schedule an alignment session with me where we'll just talk a little bit about your specific needs and where you're at because everyone's different. And then you can also go onto my website and sign up there. But there is the if you haven't downloaded it, it's the five essential shifts. And this is this emotional intimacy is a little bit of a new component that I'm really emphasizing right now. And so I'm going to add this worksheet as a bonus in there that you'll just get in the email when you sign up for that. And so it takes you through those six steps that I just talked about and outlines it so that you're not just like left hanging with what to do. So sign up for the essential five shifts workshop, but if you get on the call with me, I'll just email it to you also. This little emotional intimacy checklist. So I hope you're having an amazing day. There are fires right now right outside of my backyard somewhere and this just goes to show you people being emotionally triggered by being told what to do and not listening. It's fire season and Most of these fires have been caused by people and not listening to the fire band because they don't want to be told what to do. And now you know everyone's suffering. So when you're triggered drop into your emotions and don't create a forest fire because it can happen just like that. I love you. I think you're amazing and the way that you're feeling right now is exactly how you should be feeling. Mary Wagstaff coach calm and I'll talk to you guys soon MMA. The process of unraveling your story outside of the confines of alcohol is truly a sacred and beautiful journey of the South. rediscover who you are in a whole new world again. Stop by my website Mary Wagstaff coach.com, to get instant access to the on demand workshop of my revolutionary five shifts approach. And while you're there, you can sign up for a one on one consultation, where we will create together your life intention. This is the framework for which all of your decisions around alcohol are made from your truest and highest self. In addition to working remotely worldwide. I host private one healing retreats at my sanctuary in Mount Hood for again, I can't wait to connect