Ep. #46 How To Fail Forward From Drinking

In today’s Episode I show you that taking your last sip, isn't the first step. I teach you the step by step process I used and teach my clients to FAIL FORWARD and make the most of your failed attempts at quitting drinking. You can walk away with more awareness of your mind, the habit and how to actually unlearn drinking rather than strengthening your desire with shame, regret and false beliefs. 

The first step is the hardest, it’s saying yes to yourself. Once you commit to never giving up on yourself, there’s nothing you can’t do.

Schedule a time to talk with Mary about your experience HERE.
Email me any insights or Questions mary@marywagstaffcoach.com

1: Make the VOW: 

From this Day forward: I want you to promise me, to VOW, you will never, ever again beat yourself up for drinking when you said you wouldn’t.

In fact, stop telling yourself, today I’m not drinking.
I...(beautiful listener of stop drinking and start living), solemnly vow, to get to the bottom of my drinking habit. 

I am taking the conversation to drink or not to drink off the plate.

I am giving myself permission to drink without shame, BUT with the caveat that I will follow Mary’s formula if I do. I will fail forward, I will truly LEARN from my mistakes through observation and evaluation and with compassion, NOT shame.

When you start this part, make sure to look at it like you are experiencing if for the first time, from a neutral curiosity.

2:Observe the circumstance: What are the very specific situations in which you desire a drink? (It's Monday and all my "work" is done.)

3: What is the REASON? The ONE THOUGHT? For example, A beer sounds good.

4: What was the EMOTION you felt before the drink?

5: How did this emotion FEEL in my Body as SENSATIONS?

6: Describe the first drink with your senses?

7: How did your emotion change?

8: How did your sensations change? What was the physical result of drinking?

9:What happened while you were drinking? What did you do or not do?

10: Evaluate how you felt after. What was your emotion and feelings in the body?

11: Note how much you drank and what.

12: What was the most useful observation?

Transform your relationship with alcohol by focusing on yourself. Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help. Understand your body's signals, leverage your emotions, and expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.

Join "The Naturally Sober Woman" self-study course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package. 

Awakened sobriety! Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help, labels or missing out! Expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.

Join The Awakened Sobriety Self Study Course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.

Transcript

1:38

Welcome, welcome. My name is Mary Wagstaff. I am a life coach who ended a 20 year relationship with alcohol without labels, counting days, or ever making excuses. In this podcast, we will explore my revolutionary approach to quitting alcohol that breaks all the rules, amazing stories from women who are throwing a better party because of it, and how you can stop drinking and start living. The show is not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. Please talk to a health professional if you're alcohol consumption is a risk to your mental and physical health. Now on with the show. Welcome back my beautiful listeners, it's Mary Wagstaff, thank you so much for being here for another episode of stop drinking and start living. And when I say thank you for being here, I truly truly mean it from the bottom of my heart, it is been part of my own sacred journey of uncovering who I am outside of the confines of alcohol, to really step into a place of the service that I am really dedicated to doing in the world. And what that is, to me is a mission of helping women and all people but really helping women find the the truth of who they really are, really find that authenticity and uncover the the depths of the uniqueness of who they are. And the reason that I've decided to, you know, talk about alcohol is because there are just so many messages contradicting that alcohol is the way to happiness, when in fact, it's really the opposite of it. And, you know, I have a lot of theories about it, one of them just simply being, you know, lack of education from when alcohol was created, and, and then it became big business, you know, and now, it's, it's kind of, it's sold to us as as kind of a power model in some ways. And if you really look at it, and you really look at the spectrum of the effects of alcohol on all human beings, it affects everyone the same way. And so there's this kind of facade that there's, you know, a more glamorous way to drink, and then there is this kind of way to drink that's, you know, down and out. So, anyway, that's why I'm here. And I'm so glad you're here. And I just, I want you to really, to think about why you're here. And I really want you to take this to heart. And seriously because there is this gift of life on the other side of alcohol, especially the way that I teach it with, you know, curiosity, compassion, and observation that we just can't see until we get there, we can't see the gifts that are really waiting for us on the other side. And if alcohol is getting in your way, in a bigger way, where it's really becoming more of a priority to you than anything else, and you might need some like a detoxification, I want you to really think about that as well, because I want you to get the support and the help you need. And this method might not be that sometimes we kind of need to, people need to be in a specific situation where they can get the support they need. So I just kind of want to put that out there that there is a spectrum of dependency on alcohol. Anyone can get addicted and create a habit. That just means that your brain is functioning totally normally. And that's a really good thing. Because if you can create a habit for one thing, you can create a habit for something for something new and to live another way. But you know, in my kind of opinion, I think that when alcohol becomes a press takes precedent over everything else, is when things get a little bit more serious. So I just kind of wanted to put that out there just to make sure that you're really taking care of yourself and what you need and I'm sure you do know that I'm really excited about today's episode. It's much different from What you will hear anyone else, but it is the way in which I changed my 20 year relationship to alcohol. And so I know it works firsthand. And it might be shocking to people. But it's also worked for some of my clients as well, everyone comes to me at a different stage, and with a different brain so. But there, when we have when we are learning unlearning a habit, there's a method in which to do that that has been studied and has been trained for some reason. We want to skip all of that when it comes to alcohol. But so, today, we're going to talk about why taking your last sip of alcohol isn't the first step for most of us, failing forward and how to learn from your drinking habit. So alcohol exists in your life, and you think that the only way out is to stop all together. This is terrifying. Life Sentence, right? You're like, how could I even stop altogether. So instead, you try to cut back you're like, I'm just not gonna drink on Mondays, or I'm just going to have one drink, and take some days off. And you fail at this too. So you end up drinking, even when you swore you would adjust that morning. So frustrating. And you even have a sticky note in your car that says I will drink tonight. And you bottle it up, and you throw it out the window and you say screw this. And so you feel like total crap, because now you're a failure. And you had one drink, so you just might as well have another and you might as well have another and then when you feel like crap tomorrow now the whole weeks off, and but you're still waking up beating yourself up everyday shaming yourself every day, why can't I just not drink? Why is this so hard? What the hell is actually wrong with me. And like I said, Nothing is wrong. So you formed a habit by rewarding a desire over and over again. And that's simply it right? So we we create the habit come to something exists like really innocently, for so many people, it's like you just start drinking, you're partying with your friends, and it's fun. And I just talked to a client today. And it's like, before you know it 20 years later, you have this habit, this nasty habit that you can't seem to figure out. And then when you you know, and this is probably for another episode. But you realize when you stop when you start the process of stopping. That is it's it's very uncomfortable, because you've kind of been solving for problems that you didn't know you had, not to mention that the lower part of your brain that creates habits, the subconscious part of your brain is, is wanting that reward that it's getting that you've been giving it. So it can get that it's waiting to have that to fill the receptors in the brain for dopamine. And so it's very, very frustrating. So every time you get home from work, and this is you know, maybe one of your, your triggers or your circumstances, which is like ding ding ding, the bells ringing and your brain automatically knows what's next. It just you know, we have an internal clock, they reward time. And this is the place that has so much power that you're missing out on. Because what's happening now is when the drama spiral kicks in, you're having this internal dialogue. I said I wasn't going to do it, but I want it. I said I wasn't going to do it. But I want I said I wasn't going to do it, but I want it. So you you know you try to go for a walk or you do whatever, but you still want it or maybe you don't even do that. So you give in. And you know so what so that's the first problem. And yes, alcohol is serious. But now, you know you've honored that reward. And it sucks to want to not want the thing that you want so badly. Right? So I know for me it was like, I just wished that that desire that want would just go away. But then in the back of my brain I still wanted it so badly. I couldn't imagine my life without it. So it was this like this really? Just it was just a big mess in there. It's like a rat's nest. And I know this is the way for so many people, so many conflicting thoughts. And we are going to get to the cravings next weekend. I'm going to teach you how to actually get through this piece of it. But if you're listening, you might be in the screw at stage. And so I really want to give you the opportunity like I did, to take advantage of that if you're not ready to start to look at the process deeper. So, I want you to, I don't want you to waste this precious time, this opportunity of the drinking itself. And this could be controversial, but this is how I did it. This is how I teach people that it works for them. So here it is, you ready. So from this day forward, you have to promise me, you have to vow. And that you will never, ever, ever, ever, ever again, beat yourself up for drinking when you said, I'm not gonna drink and you do, you have to promise that that is number one, you have to step into a different place of compassion, or at least neutrality. In fact, and this is what I did, stop telling yourself today, I'm not drinking, just stop saying it. Because you know, that is a lie. And until you start to really put the work in to unravel your relationship to alcohol, that I will never drink again, is creating a stronger habit. Because it is proving on some subconscious level, that the belief the elk at the alcohol will solve the problem. It's fine, you know, you're you're, you're battling yourself, but then that's winning. So it's gaining strength, right? Every time it's like See, I told you so. But all it's really doing is just providing now kind of this like chemical relief, this habit that you've created, where there's a strong, strong desire or urge. So do this instead. And I'm gonna you guys are gonna make a little bit of a vow, I beautiful listener of the subject, start living podcast, put your name in soundly vow to get to the bottom of this habit, I'm taking the conversation to drink or not to drink off of the plate. I am giving myself permission to drink without shame. But with the caveat that I will follow Mary's formula, if I do, I will fail forward, I will learn from my mistakes with compassion, not shame. So that's the clincher change never comes from shame. It never has. Think about people that forced you into change from shame. Do you resent them? Yes, you do. It comes from an openness to explore a curiosity in invitation. You know, I always like this is why I don't shame other people's programming. I mean, I know that there's nothing outside of myself that I can change besides myself. But like, whatever works for you, you know, and I, I really want to support people wherever they're at. So they don't feel shame. They don't feel like they don't belong. And this is, you know, this is what happens in our world. It's like, there's these opposing sides and opposing views, and you want everyone to be like you, but you're yelling at the person who you want you who you think should be more like you. Well, who is that person that you're screaming at going to feel comfy to come over and like check it out. Now, they're going to run away the opposite direction, they're going to put up their defenses. So you have to stay open, there's an invitation, you have to keep your arm extended, you have to drop into the place of the heart from unconditional love. And you have to say, you know, the doors open, I'm here, I'm here when you're ready and willing to talk. It's just not the way that we do it. It's just not the way that we've been taught. We haven't you know, you can see the the people trying to lead and their example. And it's just it's not working. So failing forward is the best gift of life in any situation that you can give to yourself. You can say, See, that didn't work, which is just strengthening the belief that you're a failure and you can't do it. And alcohol is the only way in your own. You're always going to ever want to drink or ahead of time you can decide that next time I drink I'm going to follow Mary's formula. And if it doesn't work the way I think it will, I'm going to evaluate my results and see what didn't feel right. And where I went astray where my inner beliefs and the false pleasure of this habit are unaligned And that's why that part there you have that cognitive dissonance that that part of your your humaneness that can dream and that sees bigger possibility. And then that habit that's been created by a really natural process of creating a habit you can see where those are underlined in the book the coaching habit by Michael stainer, which is a book about how to change your habits about leadership, not so much about coaching, but create it's really about creating new habits was a big takeaway. He says the change of behavior at the heart of what this book is about, is a little more about asking people questions and a little less about telling what people to do. So in this case, this is you. This is a little bit more about asking yourself questions and a little less about telling yourself what to do. And this is the crux of the habit that really creates this inspired action. And it can work from yourself to people in your life, but it also works in in your own brain. So your subconscious brain is kind of sick and tired right of this, like high and mighty ideas and advice of that prefrontal brain, that human part of our brain that makes us be able to do all these amazing things in the world. You know, the heat the prefrontal cortex is saying, but there's more to life we know this dream bigger possibility, right. And that's really where the pleasure is. But the the subconscious brain is saying screw off, man. Like, we've figured it out. We're warm, we're cozy, we got our sweats, we got our Wang's, we have our favorite shows saved on the memory of the remote control, like the all of this talk about change and growth is like blah, blah, blah. But it is your higher self, you only live this life once you gotta find something that you're really passionate about, and just go all in. And that you can create that same desire for something that adds value to your life that adds that adds more peace and, and joy into the world. And so you don't want to just sit around eating chicken wings in your sweatpants because you know, that there's just more to life, right? But you haven't convinced your subconscious mind. Because what's happening back there is it's just efficient, you learn the habit, it's getting what it wants, and to your demise. Because of this unnatural reward. It's not giving it up, you know. So the habit is it's got it down pat. So I have a clock, there's a desire, get the reward, you find relief, right. And so there's natural things in the world that we get pleasure from, like sugar from fruit or, or mama or mother's milk. But we've just created so much abundance and so much high reward in our world that it's like, you know, that's why mental health is really is really a thing because there's just this constant. This constant reminder from the outer world that to be happy, we need more better, faster now, and I've talked about this, like this is not the natural pulse of the human experience. This is not the way that we are made. We can't handle the high fructose corn syrup, the concentrated alcohol, the 24 hour on demand shopping, it's just too much. And what it's happening is it's really dampening and taking away from the the ability to experience natural pleasure. So number one, you're going to take the conversation off of the plate for now. Because since you're already drinking, I want to give you a tool to utilize this time. And once you start to observe it everything is going to change. So once you give yourself permission, there's no more daily struggle. You've taken that conversation out of your brain that cognitive dissonance, but it's also not as fun so it's as though you had a love affair but your partner that you live with your you know the person that you're potentially monogamous with found out and was like, Oh, no, it's totally cool. You would desire that fling way last right? There's something in the drama of alcohol, we think we're being naughty or rebellious, but to who only to yourself. And when you take that, that you know, bad behavior away, it kind of loses some of the power. It's so interesting in that way. And then number two, is you start to observe the circumstance. So this is, this is like the, your partner that you live with now wants to meet the lover. And this is where you just like, no, not even close. But you've committed to the vow to drink to take it off of the plate, the conversation, because there was a point when there was no conversation, right? You weren't having this cognitive dissonance because you were just drinking and it wasn't an issue for you. Or maybe it was and that had go away even for like a couple of years. I have journals from my early 20s, that, you know, were were about not drinking, and then that just went away. And I guess I gave in and I just decided it was going to be a lifestyle. But there were points where it bubbled up for me on and off. But then there was the point where and I think that we cross a threshold and to a certain part of our lives, and to a different phase, where we want different things, we do want to reach some goals, we know we're not getting any younger, maybe there's children about, maybe there's health issues, so on and so forth. So So you take away the conversation that you're having. And you number two start to observe the process. And so this is what you do, you look at the very specific situations in which you desire a drink. So for me, for example, it would have been, you know, I would have a really great day at work feeling super high, just from helping people having clients, it's sunny out, it's nice out, and the wine shop is across the street, and I feel great about you know, my business and the work I'm doing and it feels kind of like this, the sophistication of going for happy hour and even, I sat by myself a lot when I drank and I would maybe make some notes or read or whatever. So that was my, you know, there was a specific situation. So write down the time write down, where you go, what, what is that natural, that cue for you in the day? It could be you your children get home? You know, it could be that it's two o'clock? I mean, whatever it is, so put them in a really specific circumstance. And then What's your reason? What's the very specific thought so for me, in those situations, that would have been like, oh, all my priorities are taking care of our I've done you know, I've kind of accomplished all my responsibilities for the day, which is really messed up that I'm saying this now because you know, I have a son at home or whatever, and things to take care of in my health. But that was my thought. So you write down your circumstance and the very specific situation and your thought about what got you there? And then how did you feel, you know, what was that emotion? You know, I would say maybe a sense of relief for me even beforehand. Maybe there was that in and then the sensation in your body. This is a really important piece, the sensation in your body, kind of a breath Enos almost an anticipatory light lightness a little lighter on my feet. And then you're going to observe the drink, and you're going to observe how it tastes, how it smells, and, you know, I need you to be really honest about this. And then you're gonna notice how the, that emotion and that feeling that you had in your body changes what are the feelings now? And when I look back, I really see that the feelings of the alcohol somehow desirable, then are just they they blow my mind now like I just can't even imagine a lightheadedness, feeling flushed, feeling a little bit drowsy. A little less cognisant. All of these things that would be an immediate trigger that something's wrong, if they happen to you naturally, you'd be like, What the hell's going on with me? So what are the the feelings in your body? What actually how does the alcohol feel? And then, then you'll write what happened after what was the outcome from your drinking? Were? Did you just pass out? Did you get into a fight with your partner? Or did you have to call a cab? Did you get a bunch of stuff done? I mean, whatever it was, it doesn't have to, you know, there's no right or wrong answer. So what was what was the outcome? What was the result? Did you? How did you feel your body? Did you throw up? I mean, if there could be many things that happened that he told someone off, you put your children to bed and passed out in their bed? And then, you know, just also make notes of anything else that you noticed, what were your thoughts during the time? Did you not do what you had wanted to accomplish that night? I know something for me, that I love doing, I still don't do much of it. Because I'm always exhausted when I go to bed, but is just being able to read a little bit before bed. And that was something I could never do. Because I was, you know, it just wasn't happening, I was either just kind of passing out or, you know, just not able to focus and retain, retain the information. That's probably one of my favorite things that happens now that I don't drink. So I will leave these seven steps, I believe they are sure you in the show notes. And there will also be the link in there to sign up to have a chat with me one on one, if that's something that you feel like you're ready to dive into doing this work, because, you know, it's exhausting. And it's something to take serious. And so I just want you to know that there are resources available for you if you want to make the change, but you have to put the work in because that quick fix overnight, it just doesn't happen. But this method in this way of doing it is so much more enjoyable anyway, because instead of feeling like you're broken for the rest of your life, and it's always going to be this problem, and you can never fix it. And you kind of sit in this place of deprivation. This is such a beautiful perspective of, of a unconditional love model, rather than a fear based model of how you're viewing the situation. And you're viewing it with a little bit of a lighter heart, a lot of self compassion, curiosity. And you know, we find out new things in life like this. The I mean, if you're listening to this, you've probably listened to some other podcasts or read some literature around the subject. And we know that there's a big, sober, curious movement. This is changing because humans are still evolving. And we're using more of that. That planning, prefrontal cortex, stepping into our full potential of becoming aware human beings in the present moment that we're seeing that there is that some of the things that we thought were facts are no longer facts and facts are kind of becoming less than less apparent. But there are options for you and the story. I'm telling you right now the story is rewritten the the story around alcohol, being a you know, being black or white rock bottom, or you're fine, isn't the case anymore. And so take decisive action today. And I just gave you permission to said you didn't even need to stop drinking to start the process. This is literally how I quit. I had taken some long, some longer breaks during that year, I would say you know, even upwards of a couple of months at a time. Maybe not even that long. But I kept going back and it got it did get a little bit easier. So I was starting to really step into the place of saying yes more to myself, which is going to be our episode next week. More about how to move through the desire when you're ready to take that break and do it really successfully. But this is going to give you such a framework already. And then so you'll have the two you'll you'll be you'll have really fresh in your mind what the experience of drinking is like from a different perspective, rather than you know, throwing caution to the wind. Just go going in, you're going to be doing it and really observing it. And so when you go break, you're going to have a really fresh memory of what your quote unquote missing out on. And this is where the magic lives, right? Because it's, you're gonna know like, Oh, yeah, it really isn't all that it's cracked up to be. And so you're gonna call yourself out, you get to call out. That part of you that is going to have the love affair with the subconscious brain, right? You're like, I told you, it was cool, but like, I know, I want to meet that person. So I think you're amazing. And I'm so glad that you're here. I would absolutely love for you to write to me and tell me how this goes. Tell me what your experience is like. And it would be even better if we could just talk on the phone firsthand. And you can tell me what your experience is like you could ask me any questions. And so you just go up and I have a few slots open every week on the link to sign up for for a time to chat. So have an amazing day. The process of unraveling your story outside of the confines of alcohol is truly a sacred and beautiful journey of the self. rediscover who you are, and a whole new world again. Stop by my website Mary Wagstaff coach.com, to get instant access to the on demand workshop of my revolutionary five shifts approach. And while you're there, you can sign up for a one on one consultation, where we will create together your life intention. This is the framework for which all of your decisions around alcohol are made from your truest and highest self. In addition to working remotely worldwide. I host private one on one healing retreats at my sanctuary in Mount Hood for again, I can't wait to connect