Chasing the BUZZ of Nostalgia is one of the BIGGEST obstacle to accept and understand when you explore your reationship to alcohol or stop drinking. This concept is what keeps so many people in deprivation AFTER they stop drinking. It's like they are living under a spell of what alcohol NEVER WAS, but they can't snap out of it, why? Because they didn't have me as their coach! LOL. Seriously. The nostalgia of alcohol is actually an error in the human brain that makes NO sense. It goes to show you just how STRONG of a concentrated reward the alcohol is to make the brain completely ERASE all of the painful things about alcohol, and only remember the carols and laughter.
You are in for a wild ride.
Schedule your free alignment session with Mary HERE
Transform your relationship with alcohol by focusing on yourself. Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help. Understand your body's signals, leverage your emotions, and expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.
Join "The Naturally Sober Woman" self-study course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
Transform your relationship with alcohol by focusing on yourself. Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help. Understand your body's signals, leverage your emotions, and expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.
Join "The Naturally Sober Woman" self-study course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
Chasing the BUZZ of Nostalgia is one of the BIGGEST obstacle to accept and understand when you explore your reationship to alcohol or stop drinking. This concept is what keeps so many people in deprivation AFTER they stop drinking. It's like they are living under a spell of what alcohol NEVER WAS, but they can't snap out of it, why? Because they didn't have me as their coach! LOL. Seriously. The nostalgia of alcohol is actually an error in the human brain that makes NO sense. It goes to show you just how STRONG of a concentrated reward the alcohol is to make the brain completely ERASE all of the painful things about alcohol, and only remember the carols and laughter.
You are in for a wild ride.
Schedule your free alignment session with Mary HERE
Transform your relationship with alcohol by focusing on yourself. Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help. Understand your body's signals, leverage your emotions, and expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.
Join "The Naturally Sober Woman" self-study course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
Transform your relationship with alcohol by focusing on yourself. Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help. Understand your body's signals, leverage your emotions, and expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.
Join "The Naturally Sober Woman" self-study course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
Welcome, welcome. My name is Mary Wagstaff. I am a holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship with alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. In this podcast, we will explore my revolutionary approach to getting alcohol out of your way that breaks all the rules, life enhancing tools that make not drinking fun and easy. And the profound and sacred journey that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol, it's time to answer the calling of the woman who is ready to be fully embodied, to stop drinking and start living. The show is not a substitution for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. So please talk to a medical professional if your alcohol consumption is at risk to your mental or physical health. Now on with the show. Hello my beautiful listeners it is Mary Wagstaff, I hope you are having a wonderful day. It was a beautiful weekend where we were a little chilly but sunny out and we raked some leaves, it was really, it's always nice to get into the elements. Even if you know you have to bundle up a little bit. And I actually left the house and went and saw a friend of mine and had a little hike and met a new friend. I don't leave the house often by myself, because I work from home. And if I do leave, I'm often with my son lately, you know, because there's not really a whole lot to do. And because I'm outside of the city now, so it was really lovely. Just getting to see some people that I don't normally see and connect in that way. I hope you've been enjoying the extra episodes on the podcast, it's been really fun to kind of just take massive action and have an idea and think this is the time. My listeners deserve to have as much information as they can to really inspire and empower you into more of what your relationship is like with yourself. And more and more that I coach, the more and more I study and dive into this, this work around our relationship with alcohol, and not so much the science of alcohol itself. But what it means on a kind of a deeper existential human level into society. I really see this as the way that we transform the relationship that we have with ourselves, how do we show up for ourselves, we're really stuck. And it's totally normal stuck in this idea that changing our relationship to alcohol is just about changing the behavior, when really it's about changing the process and the belief of what it means to have a more intimate relationship with ourselves with or without drinking. So you know, just kind of consider that as you start to really explore and open up to what this relationship has meant for you in your life. And today is a pretty big topic, but it is one that it has such a hold on the ability to shift our relationship with alcohol, because we associate so many feelings with this little liquid. So today we are going to talk about chasing nostalgia. nostalgia is a sentimentality for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations. And this word comes from a Greek and Homeric word, meaning homecoming, but also meaning pain or ache. So nostalgia is associated with this yearning for the past its personalities, possibilities and events, especially the quote unquote good old days or a warm childhood that is from Wikipedia. We know the senses are a huge part of this process as they pass so we have a cognitive experience and then using our senses is processed as it passes through the emotional center of the brain, called the amygdala. And this is how we are wired. To make decisions using our senses, these amazing human senses that we have to recall the past, so that we make a decision for the future that hopefully will not create more pain for us. So what is so fascinating about this is alcohol and the thought of drinking just the thought of drinking alone is associated with these type of nostalgic, warm, good old day memories, or there could be some pain associated with it. But the brain recalls this familiarity of the past, rather than the familiarity of the pain the alcohol itself has created. And what is so fascinating about this is that we associate the camaraderie, the events of the past, with our survival, this being part of a group, more than we associate the pain or the actual experience of drinking, with our survival. So the pleasure and the the actual interpretation of the memory has overwritten the pain that this is causing you in your daily life. Memories are not facts. Every time we remember a memory. We're remembering the last time we thought about that thing. So every time we remember a memory, it has a new interpretation of it. Now, there are times I was just listening to the whole album of jewels, pieces of you, she just rereleased it 25 years later, and she was also doing a live stream concert, over this weekend of the entire thing to raise money for her foundation. She's very inspiring. I was listening to some of her stuff this weekend. She talks a lot about mindfulness and mental health and over coming adversity through the practice of mindfulness and using your thoughts. Anyway, I was a little jewel obsessed. This was an album I listened to on repeat with my sisters, my mother, and one of my cousins who was kind of like my brother from another mother. And there was a lot of nostalgia wrapped up in this. Now did it cue me into wanting to have a drink? No, because I don't associate. I didn't associate that memory because I was much younger with drinking now could have old memory before you were drinking, trigger kind of pain and then trigger drinking. Yes. But this experience that I'm talking about is more of that warmth, that coziness. So that's a smell the weather, we are talking about the holiday seasons, traditions, music, but of course, our memory is bias. So I sat listening to this album, and of course, I know all of the words and I love to sing. So I was singing all of it. And I was in a very cozy environment in my home. You know, the fire was lit, we were cooking dinner. And there was a point though of a bit of sadness, this idea of this ache, right, a yearning, that's not really a good feeling. So what we try to use alcohol for is to recreate that feeling alcohol is a thread of that warmth of that coziness. So we reach for that, thinking that it is in that dream that we will recreate the same feeling or the interpretation that we have of that feeling. But what's happening in actuality is you're simply lessening that yearning by obeying the trigger, which is this warmness. cytologic feeling you in a moment are kind of soothing this void and As time goes on, and we get older, the void becomes bigger because there was a time where your life was different things were very carefree. You know, and maybe even now, too, you were out, you were partying, you didn't, you know, have a lot of responsibilities of things you needed to take care of. So the impact of alcohol, like you could still go out and have these really fun times, the alcohol wasn't really creating, it just did create more of this looseness. But now that you are getting older, and your situations have changed, you don't have as many of these, you know, really kind of party like late nights. So not only are you reaching for, for the past for these memories, but because of the alcohol on a sensory level, is really associated with some of these good old day feelings. Things are all sorts of crazy now, because you want that alcohol to create that feeling. But you're not reliving the memory. And then the alcohol is simply just soothing. That pain that ache that Boyd. So for better or worse. You know, nostalgia is a part of our lives. But when we start to chase it, and especially with alcohol, it becomes even more painful. I've had this experience also with my son recently, I've been very, very close to him all through quarantine. I mean, of course, I had been before that, but he was in had a little bit of childcare, and then preschool, you know, part time, so I wasn't with him. 24 seven every single day in the house. And I have been I've been I haven't been apart from him very much, since March. And so I've really tuned into him growing, and he will be five and December. So it's like this really big milestone. And of course, if you're a parent, or you've been around little children, you just look back. And you're, it's like how did that happen. And we had a couple of new, I know a couple new babies that were born during quarantine and and so just kind of thinking about that bringing that baby home and winter and cozying up with them, and you know, and that that whole idea of this different relationship and that it's gone. And it's fleeting. And you know, when I start to chase that it doesn't feel good. I can have a moment of a memory, but really chasing it in my brain really starting to like relive all of that stuff. And then I'm missing out on the preciousness and the reality of what's happening right in front of me. Right. And so this is one of the things that I hear my clients talk about all the time. And it happens in a nostalgic memory based in the past, but it also happens in the fear of the future, it's like you're already kind of missing out on the nostalgia that has yet to happen. Because you've never given yourself an opportunity. And so, what is really happening is this idea that we are connected right there is this sense of belongingness so it all comes back to our primal instincts for survival essentially, but the brain has evolved human beings and society has evolved and so the the way that things once were and in tradition isn't necessary anymore. Now not to say it's not important but I kind of talked about this during the 10 reasons not to drink this holiday season. is we know there's a lot of tradition that's very outdated and not inclusive of people of evolving of our true emotional validation for ourselves. So when you are in a scene and I'll just tell you about a little scene I had my first year alcohol my first holiday season alcohol free. I had gone shopping just to you know the Fred Meijer which is like the grocery store, but they have home goods and stuff as well. And there's a hustle and the bustle and it's cool. And it's you know, the jingle bells are ringing and there's probably a little snow on the ground and there's this preparation for gathering and all of this stuff, the course the Christmas music, that I will never forget sitting in my car after I left thinking, wow, you know, a glass of wine. I mean, I'm in the car, right? really sounds like it would bring this whole thing together. But when I stopped to ask myself, what is really the memory that I'm searching for? And are these feelings, actually indicative of the actual experience that was happening, and I had remembered the Christmas before, or maybe not the Christmas before. But a couple Christmases before that. And this is like outing myself in a really embarrassing way where I had wrote the song, Oh, my gosh, I wrote this song for Matthew. And I was at my mother's house. And this is before we lived by her and I, we so we would, we stayed the night and it was for Christmas Eve. And I tried to sing it for him as his Christmas present. To only wake up the next morning, feeling terrible and thinking, what the hell happen? How much did I really embarrass myself. And of course, I was there with a small group of people might most immediately it family and everyone was drinking, and I really wasn't that worried about it in that way. But it was a disaster. It was a kind of way, way, way, way, way. No, let me start over. Let me start over kind of experience. And so I brought up this real memory of what the hell had actually happened. And then like, that is what happened during Christmas with alcohol. The music though warm, the food, the family, the cozy, that's all still there, right. But we have this tie to alcohol because of that huge dopamine rush that huge pleasure response. So the threads in our brain, the grooves in our brain of all of this nostalgic memory, are overlapped. Because you've been drinking during these naturally cozy times warm by the fire, Christmas music playing the pump smell of pumpkin pie has been interwoven with also this deep, deep groove of this big pleasure response that your brain thinks that if it doesn't get it will die. And then there's some other thoughts in there too about. If I deviate from the group, will I be isolated if I do something different. And so we want to have this big explosive party. But the alcohol has never created that. Right? It created me embarrassing myself passing out and waking up the next day, or a political argument or everyone just kind of getting sloppy and passing out. Or, you know, maybe there were a few drinks, but there wasn't added creativity. There were people singing and dancing, thinking that they sounded better than they did, right. So you want to feel that warmth. And rather than just understanding that the past no longer exists, and creating it in the present moment. We're searching for that feeling belt, you literally can never get again. From that memory in the present moment. Now you can create that coziness. in Danish culture, there's this concept called Heuga. And what it is, is this general kind of coziness and well being and it's something that's really present for them. So they really work to strive for this who God this, you know, you can imagine warm beverages a cozy blanket, fuzzy socks, a board game, and what invokes the sense of coziness and well being. Now alcohol, although we have this, this thought that there is this well being with it. All that well being is in the present moment when you drink because you think it's going to get you closer to that cosi coziness is the well being that it's Serves you is soothing, that lack that pain, that idea of longing, and too long or to yearn for something like an old lover is never going to get you moving forward, it's always simply going to keep you stuck in the past. So can you relive a memory and think about I mean, I think about my grandmother a lot often. But when I, I don't try to chase it and wish she was here, I try to appreciate it for what we had. Or I would think, you know, how would my grandma handle this situation? Or what would she say to me or I think about how much she loved me when I was never looking right. And I still think about that she's still looking and loving me, and I don't even know. But I don't sit and chase that in that way of that yearning. So really thinking about the good old days, are they really the good old days, and clinging to the past, in that place of resistance is really what's coming up for you in this place of postponement and stuckness. You are not fearful of an alcohol free life, for the reason that you think you are, you're fearful because when you reflect on it, you see something that isn't there. And that's something that isn't there is only based on what you've ever known, right? We don't we see alcohol as our connection to the familiar past, what is familiar. And these are essentially to our oldest memories that connect us with a deep perception of comfort. So all, all of this fuss of nostalgia and wanting to be in this place of coziness and comfort all the time. And to avoid any sense of discomfort, or pain or growth really is in essence, I feel like to get back to the womb of the Great Mother. We all experience some sense of trauma at birth, we are separated from creative consciousness, we are there is a separation. And this has happened to all of us. And then we're separated from this cozy little bubble, and brought out into the new world where our senses now have to start becoming turned on. Right. And we're also then separated at some point from our mothers, maybe some of us sooner, sooner than others. And so we have to step into that place. And like I talked about during the rite of passage podcast, we have to step in that place where we know where we can accept that we are chasing something that we can no longer have, except for cultivating it inside of us. So that we can move into a future knowing we have our own backs. Knowing that we can create this feeling of coziness, not even in the in the circumstances of our world, but inside inside of us by being honest, by living in the present moment. So once we see it for what it is, by becoming the witness and becoming curious, we can watch our mind go to these memories. That, you know, we're not even really there. We are experiencing something that is no longer real, it feels real. But that's only because of our perception of it. And our judgement of it is because we have taken our mind and our senses and we're completely absorbed by this. We are attaching to this and an Eastern philosophy. This is the definition of suffering, attachment to things to thoughts to the past and attachment even to an outcome of the future that you just can't, can't shake right kind of getting obsessed about something. We have to know that our thoughts are meaningless until we make them mean something doesn't mean our lives are meaning meaningless, it means that life is happening in the present moment. We are constantly in review of our past experiences with what we engage in here. And now. Because that's the only thing we know, imagine getting something brand new, right? I, for example, got a podcast microphone, something that I've never had before. But based on my past experiences of technology, I associated how to use it with what I've learned from the past. But it was a, you know, it was a foreign thing to me. I had to create experiences from the past, to now be able to sit down at my desk, to not have any questions for how to use it, I know exactly what it is. And even just looking at this microphone, I create an associate a certain meaning with it, a value to it, in and of itself is actually completely meaningless and void of really value to anyone who doesn't need this. Right. So how do you know anything about this holiday season coming up? Other than what you've learned in the past? Right? So you think about the Christmas songs. And I mean, when we really break it down. This was created in a really unique marketing plan. I mean, these songs are just amazing right? Now, of course, there's a lot of them that have deeper sentiment that they're not just about commercialism. I mean, Silent night, I love I love all of the songs. But Wow, do they invoke a sentiment, right? And so but now you have alcohol, right? And alcohol and the song are so strong, and they go together hand in hand. But the alcohol isn't going to bring you back to the big family gathering when my grandfather used to be on the roof, playing Santa Claus. And everyone would get a Christmas sweater that they didn't really like. In fact, adding the alcohol to it. And living in the past, rather than being present for this new experiences, especially as you get older, is only going to strengthen that habit and keep you stuck. That yearning is only going to get bigger and harder to fill in. I do not want this for you. I know this feeling so well. And what needs to happen is a simple pause. When you are searching for a sentiment for a feeling inside of a glass of alcohol, you need to stop and ask yourself, what is the feeling that I'm wanting right now? And will this glass of wine create that for me? And I'll tell you the answer it won't. What that glass of wine is creating for you is the illusion of comfort, because it's taking away the feeling of lack or that longing or that void. So by drinking and giving yourself this warm dopamine rush that also changes when you change your relationship with alcohol. I'll tell you, it is not pleasant, after you no longer desire alcohol. So what that glass of wine is giving you is simply a relief from the longing and the yearning that you're feeling. It is not creating a new memory, a new warmth. It's actually simply strengthening your thread to this past of nostalgia that will never, ever be Yes, this is true. And I know it's like what? Oh my gosh, you know, we think that it's, it's part of it, we really, really feel like these drinks are part of the experience. And yes, they're there. But they are only holding you on to the past. So as you move forward this week, I want you to really consider this. What is it about the past that you're holding on to that you're clinging to? And what is it in that glass of wine that is also keeping you from moving forward? So this is like a double edged sword. I mean, I do this with I've, like I said, I was doing it with my son, and I wasn't drinking, but then you do it with alcohol. And it's like stuck times a lot, right? You know, so these pathways are just interwoven. It's 100%. Normal, this happens to everyone, everyone experiences nostalgia, but it's in the how much you chase it, and where it can really take you over, and then it can bring you even to a place that doesn't feel good. And then you want the alcohol to relieve that feeling as well. So how do you move through this feeling of yearning, without drinking, you become the witness, you become curious and you say, wow, there's that thing Mary was talking about, I have this thread of, you know, going out shopping for the holidays, and the Christmas music. I mean, and this happens during summer with music festivals, and picnics and gatherings, right. And this is why I do the deep work with my clients. Because every season has its own flavor of this nostalgia, every season invokes a new memory for us, as we turn with a year year of the wheel, we are changing. And so you have to see how you're showing up differently with alcohol because you're gonna have a whole new flood of excuses and objections. And these nostalgic feelings that are all coming from the same place was, which is just a habit, a really deep groove in your brain that associates these really great times with alcohol, and then it also has that feeling that you want to get rid of, because it doesn't feel good. So first, you have to notice that it's there. And you have to take a deep breath. So first, you relax, you just have to pause. This can take seriously just a couple of moments to move through this. Okay. And now I'm not saying that you anything about the if drinking is good or bad, I'm just saying give yourself the opportunity to notice this. So relaxation, and then validation. It's totally normal that you feel like this, Mary, you drank every Christmas, every holiday with painful memories, covering up pain that I had, from the holidays to feeling like I didn't belong. And that's for another podcast, you know, and being with family and belonging, and merriment, and presence and good food and all these things. With this major amount of dopamine, of course, you feel like this, the seasons are created for this reason to invoke sentiment to get all of you involved, right? This is how people market and they sell. They use emotion to compel you to action to buy, right. or guilt. So you relax relaxation, validation. Of course you feel this way. It's totally normal 100% most people have this feeling during the holiday season, or you know, whatever time of year it is. And then you contemplate that's the curiosity. So you ask yourself, you look at your hands for a minute, and say this is the present moment, these hands you look at the front, and you look at the back, these hands are in this moment. I get to choose how I want to create with these hands and then you give yourself a little squeeze to the left and you squeeze your right hand and so you can feel Your senses, and you move a little bit into the joints of the fingers and the wrists just to keep you present to get you out of chasing that nostalgia. And then depending on your dominant hand, you're going to take, I'm dominant, right, so I'm going to open my right hand, and I'm going to wrap it around my left thumb. And then I'm going to place the fingers of my left hand over my right hand. So now I've created this seal this clasp this beautiful hand hug with myself. I'm gonna let it sit in my lap. And I'm going to ask myself, am I capable of having a beautiful, wonderful, cozy holiday season? without the presence of alcohol? What about this time of year do I love it absolutely love. And you might think it's the eggnog or the mulling spices, and those are still available to you alcohol free, those flavors they are. And you take a deep breath. And you ask yourself, do I want to be in this place of yearning for something that no longer exists? That only lives in my memory? Or can I honor it and appreciate it, accept it for what it was, and let it go. So that I can create a future of brand new memories. So that this thing that is getting in my way, is no longer robbing me of the present moment and of the future. You give your thumb a little squeeze, and you take another big breath, and you say it's okay to feel this way. But this year, we're gonna do something different this year, we're just gonna see what happens. If we try to do something different. And regardless of the outcome, we're going to be super proud of ourselves that we didn't live in the past that we didn't chase a memory. Because we know the future is full of infinite possibilities and a story yet untold. Why would we want to keep reliving the same story of being immature and have lessons we haven't learned in painful experiences, we have so much more to bring to the future now than we did have these memories that we're chasing. And we can bring all the songs with us and the smells and the sounds, and bring new stuff and create new traditions. So this is how you interrupt this chasing of nostalgia, you bring yourself into the present moment, and you find a sense of peace and joy. And you find that little crack of light of a vibrant life. That is not require alcohol that has never required alcohol that will never require up all this fear, this longing, this lack this yearning, this belonging, it all lives in your head, it all lives in a thought you and millions of other people, you are not alone. And there are many, many, many, many stories telling you. That's why alcohol is amazing for advertising. It creates a wonderful life. Right? They get all of your senses involved. You're free, you're on the beach. Your kid again, no responsibilities, right? But is that true? And is that even what you want? But what they forget to leave out is you losing your wallet and ending up with in bed with someone who you don't even know. Right? They forget to leave that part of out on the beach, where everyone's passed out and, you know, making fools of themselves without judgment. Of course. This life isn't about achievement. It isn't about reliving memories and doing it the same again, it's about experiencing who you are fully vulnerably uniquely, perfectly you and experiencing all of life and when you chase the style job You get to live in a past, which is not real. And I want you to live in the most peaceful, magical way you can in this present moment. And think about this too, right? So then you have that drink. And you're experiencing all the things, but slowly and slowly, this thing that you were yearning for, starts to fade, because you're not even in the present moment anymore. You're not with the thing you're doing, you're thinking about your next drink, and then eventually, you're passing out. So instead of even doing all of that, you might as well just go get your goodies for Christmas and go take a nap. Rest your mind, rest your body. If you want to check out the present moment. I mean, really, that's the best way to do it. I think you're wonderful. I'm sure you have many amazing memories that you love to think about. But what about thinking about the memories that you want to create for the future? What do those look like? And how is alcohol in the way of that? Get inspired about what's possible, and know that there are many, many people out there who no longer live in the nostalgia of alcohol, who live in the creation of possibility for the future. This is what I want for you. This is what I help my clients do. And they are thrilled they are blowing their own minds and living for their future. Rather than trying to recreate the past. That was never as much fun as we remembered it being anyway. Have an amazing week, and I will talk to you soon. If you are loving this podcast and are ready to start showing up for yourself in a new way. I want to invite you to check out my one on one coaching mentorship. It's your opportunity to actually apply these tools and principles to your life with support from me to get the results that you want most to understand and explore your relationship to alcohol without pain or rules, and then to refocus your energy so you can live the healthy, joyful and vibrant life that you deserve. The best part is you don't have to stop drinking to simply start the process by the link in the show notes to schedule your complimentary alignment session with me. I can't wait to connect