For this final episode of the year, I talk about the process of commitment. The traditional New Years Resolution, comes with no parameters other than to "resolve" to change, usually the action. Something we think we should do to be better or healthier. We can not be successful in having a new , healthier relationship to alcohol by simply NOT DRINKING. To resolve to something is to learn a new way, to commit to a new process. This takes time. You have never become an expert at anything over night. You most certainly didn't develop a drinking habit over night. You must be compassionate with yourself and offer yourself time to learn a new way, seek new awarenesses, educate yourself with new tools and practice them until they become THE new way. There is no quick fix, but there is an easier way to UNLEAERN the habit of drinking. The first step, resolve to commit, not just quit. It takes loving yourself more, and deep trust in the process of surrender.
To get started on the process of getting alcohol out of your way, schedule a private call with Mary: CLICK HERE
Thank you for heading to Apple Podcast To Drop a 5 Star Review and What You LOVE about the show! Your presence means so much to me.
Transform your relationship with alcohol by focusing on yourself. Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help. Understand your body's signals, leverage your emotions, and expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.
Join "The Naturally Sober Woman" self-study course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
Awakened sobriety! Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help, labels or missing out! Expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.
Join The Awakened Sobriety Self Study Course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
For this final episode of the year, I talk about the process of commitment. The traditional New Years Resolution, comes with no parameters other than to "resolve" to change, usually the action. Something we think we should do to be better or healthier. We can not be successful in having a new , healthier relationship to alcohol by simply NOT DRINKING. To resolve to something is to learn a new way, to commit to a new process. This takes time. You have never become an expert at anything over night. You most certainly didn't develop a drinking habit over night. You must be compassionate with yourself and offer yourself time to learn a new way, seek new awarenesses, educate yourself with new tools and practice them until they become THE new way. There is no quick fix, but there is an easier way to UNLEAERN the habit of drinking. The first step, resolve to commit, not just quit. It takes loving yourself more, and deep trust in the process of surrender.
To get started on the process of getting alcohol out of your way, schedule a private call with Mary: CLICK HERE
Thank you for heading to Apple Podcast To Drop a 5 Star Review and What You LOVE about the show! Your presence means so much to me.
Transform your relationship with alcohol by focusing on yourself. Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help. Understand your body's signals, leverage your emotions, and expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.
Join "The Naturally Sober Woman" self-study course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
Awakened sobriety! Discover how to fulfill your needs without alcohol's help, labels or missing out! Expand your desires for real, lasting pleasure.
Join The Awakened Sobriety Self Study Course, where you'll learn everything I teach my clients in a compact, affordable, lifetime access package.
Welcome, welcome. My name is Mary Wagstaff. I am a holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help women just like you from around the world do the same with my one on one private coaching program. In this podcast, we will explore my revolutionary approach to getting alcohol out of your way that breaks all the rules, life enhancing tools that make not drinking exciting and joyful and profound and sacred journey that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. The show is not a substitution for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. So please talk to a medical professional if your alcohol consumption is at risk to your mental or physical health. Now on with the show. Beautiful listeners, thank you so much for being here for another episode of stop drinking and start living. It's Mary Wagstaff, welcome back. And if you're new Welcome to the show, it's gonna be a really enlightening episode kind of enlight in alignment with the new calendar year for January 1. So you can get yourself set up for success of however you want to move forward into your life. And of course, we know every day is a new day. And it's there's no real magic date. But what happens in the year of the wheel, as we turn, and we kind of align ourselves with the natural rhythms of life, we can see that it is a time for rest and renewal. So we can really start to kind of contemplate and plan what it is that we want to bring into the new year. And rather than forcing change, or trying to really control and replacing one limiting belief or a new potentially positive belief, we can just take some space, rest our bodies, rest, our brains do a little kind of detoxification of energy of the entire year, and start the process. So it doesn't need to happen overnight. And that's what we're going to talk about today. And I just wanted to say thank you for being part of my growth and my process this year, it was an amazing year of growth for me for my business, and really stepping into full alignment with the message that I have really been wanting to, that has been wanting to come through me that I didn't really even know was going to happen until it did and which is helping you and helping women find the healthier relationship that they want with alcohol, finding freedom from alcohol forever, by really understanding not only the habit of alcohol, but the whole story about who they are in relationship to alcohol, and really coming to a deeper place of understanding of their highest self. That through that process, knowing that all of the beliefs and the the story and the curated experience of our life is really optional. And how much of our conditioning gets in the way of accessing our highest self and accessing actually the most human part of us. And it really inhibits our ability to receive love and to experience joy. And I just wanted to share a little bit personally with you that, you know, one of the one of the reasons that people don't stick to changing their relationship with alcohol is because life still happens, there are still ups and downs. And we have been led to believe that if we're not experiencing joy or happiness, that something is wrong. And because we might have a beautiful, wonderful life that we love, and there's so much gratitude for and appreciation and we have privilege that if we are to be sad, or you know, not experiencing joy or happiness or just feeling just just being that there is something wrong with that. And it's something I've actually had to sit with the last few months I think just like so many people, I've kind of been experiencing this quarantine fatigue. And the, the natural inclination is to resist and to try to change the outer circumstance to create happiness, right? We don't take actions as humans unless we think it's going to make us happy. Now we make decisions over and over and over again, because of the conditioning of our brain that are the same that don't get us the different results. But in that process of thinking, Oh my gosh, if I could only just be in this other place, then I could be happy, happier, we really miss the opportunity to accept what is right to just be with you. No, I'm not feeling and this most joyous way, or this happiest way, or even celebrating some of the accomplishments that I've had, or, you know, maybe gratitude isn't able to really fill in a space of joy and happiness, maybe there's something else I need to make space for, which is just acceptance of the emotional experience that we have as being human beings. And something that has happened for me what the last couple of months is, I haven't really had the space to experience a lot of just real happiness, I've kind of been in a in a neutral place. And it doesn't mean that I've been feeling sad, I have had kind of grouchy days lately. But the more I resisted it, and kept telling myself I should be feeling something else, I have everything I could want and desire. You know, like what, why what is wrong with you, I was really decided to take some time, and really look at the five shifts, and apply those to this practice. And first of all, offer myself compassion, and say, well, what's the story behind this and the story was that I was trying to replace some limiting beliefs and some limiting thoughts for new ones that I wasn't yet ready to receive. I was in this place of just kind of let simmering in the transition. And it was more of an integration piece. It was the the final month of the first year of our new where we where we lived. And it was a very big shift for me and a lot has happened personally and socially. And I decided to welcome in the resistance to welcome in the grouchiness to welcome in that wanting to change it, or even the the not quite knowing what I want. And invited all in with compassion, and openness and make some space by not trying to do anything with it. And then simply ask myself, am I able to just let it all go and see what wants to naturally fill this space. And then what happened was, I was actually able to create an energetic room in my body, to receive more love to receive more love for myself, and just what was right. Sometimes we're not always in this place of growth and achievement and stuff happening over and over and over again, from the physical perspective. But we're able to just be come witness to our lives and be you be with the changes that we've already created. And we have been conditioned to believe that there is something wrong if we're not happy all of the time. And if we could release that story in that belief, what could come through what is the wisdom that every emotion has to offer us. And this is the process, one of the processes of changing your relationship to alcohol, where you get to be present with all of you and get to love all of you. And learn new ways of living your life where you understand how to move through situations that are uncomfortable or or that might be a little boring or that might, you know not have had the expectation that you desired. And one of the the other things about changing your relationship to alcohol that you have to be willing to accept if you want to avoid the pain and the suffering that alcohol creates, is the willingness to admit to yourself that alcohol, although it may have a temporary relief and a temporary pleasure will always come with it, the pain and the suffering and that the story about alcohol that you have in your life, and that has been created in society is just a story. Those are just beliefs that are optional. So you can look at them and decide, I'm going to work towards releasing them. And not even bringing a new belief. But just see what part of my essence, the truth of who I am, the alcohol has been covering up all these years. What wants to fill that space, something I've been talking a lot about, with my clients and just through my email, list, and some a little bit on social media has been, you don't replace alcohol with sobriety, you replace alcohol with more of you. Were not trading in one set of belief system for another. So now you become and label yourself, the sober person, and only can do certain things. And then the alcohol, the story of alcohol is forever present in your life. No, you get to move on with your life you get to to be a mother and an entrepreneur, and a creative, and a daughter and a partner and all of these things as they are as you are. And slowly with this awareness where you don't just attach to a new story, a new identity, a new label, the truth in the essence of I Am, starts to come through because you are nothing then I am, I am I just am. Who is that? Who is all of that. And alcohol really inhibits our ability to seek that. And then it does create this fear and anxiety around just being that. But once you use the five shifts approach, and you and you stop making so many thoughts and so many beliefs mean something about who you are, and you step into that place of the compassionate witness and the curious observer, you really start to see that beyond story, beyond meaning that we've created for all these things. And these ideas and these achievements, we get to just be the nature of human. And by stepping into the nature of who we are, as human beings, we also then get to experience and open ourselves up to the sacredness of this life that wants to come through. And we can see a path like this, the illusion of separateness, and the illusion of meaning that we've placed on everything, objects, concepts, and how meaningless it is. And that by placing meaning on all of these things have is really gotten in the way of experiencing what life has to offer us and that we really have tried to make it more than it is and by striving and reaching, we continue to make that hole inside bigger and bigger and bigger. Because my my beautiful, beautiful listeners, I'm here to tell you, you will never find what you are looking for outside of yourself. I have everything in my life that I have ever could ever possibly want. I've created everything that I want for myself. And of course, there's some fun things that would be nice to have. But it doesn't limit the human experience. I know that peace and grace. And joyfulness comes from my ability to just be more of who I am without judgment and full of compassion. And the ability to really invite in all of the experiences and get curious and kind of playful with them. Even the ones that sound seem shitty, or don't sound like as much fun I get to really be with them and witness them. And it is such a beautiful process in such a sacred journey that I'm so grateful I was brave enough to embark on. And now I don't feel like I need as much bravery I just need to take more pauses of surrender. Now leading into our show, which this is all part of that. This doesn't mean that I can't create goals and strive for more experiences to create outside of myself, but it means why I surrender meaning to everything, I have so much more courage and bravery. Because I don't limit myself with the stories of what's been created around me, I just get to drop all of that, and step forward into the what I want to create and not be so concerned about how it's going to happen. I just know that anything is actually possible that I desire. And this same thing is true for you with alcohol, you may not believe that you could ever eliminate your desire for alcohol right now. But if you believe that anything is possible to create, you don't need to have that feeling inside of you right now. You just need to trust that in this universe, in this world, we can create anything and just like you have created a habit with alcohol, unintentionally, you can intentionally unlearn that habit. So around New Year's or suffer some people around the solstice time, we create these resolutions. And a resolution is to resolve right to, to find a solution to a problem, or to decide on a specific course of action. Now, when we make a resolution, in the way that it's never really been taught, how do you make a resolution, right, and I'm sure more and more there is an understanding of systems to reach a goal. But a resolution is a commitment. It's a commitment to solving a problem. To resolve yourself to a new way to firmly decide on something, and to take action. But when you decide to take action to solve a problem, there is a process to it. And it doesn't happen overnight, as you know. So one of the biggest reasons that people fail, when it comes to changing their relationship to alcohol is because it's 30 days here, 100 days here, it's on and off. Yeah, that was great. They don't commit long enough to seeing through until they actually have a shift in their belief process, when they can actually release the stories and the beliefs around alcohol, because they have witnessed and become aware enough of what is happening in the background of their mind that's been going on for 2030 or 40 years. So if you've been listening to the show for a while, you understand that a habit creates a groove in your brain that is very worn and very efficient. So to commit to a new relationship with alcohol to dismantling the habit of alcohol creates a commitment of understanding it. So it doesn't mean you solve for the action of alcohol and you solve the problem of alcohol overnight. It doesn't work that way. And in fact, if you truly want to eliminate the desire that you have for alcohol, and you want to not be confused about alcohol, and you want to be in control of your decisions around alcohol, it is impossible to do that overnight. The only way to do that overnight is through willpower, which is finite, which we don't have an unlimited resource of willpower. And that's why that process waxes and wanes and ebbs and flows. So the process of commitment, the process to committing to a resolve or to a resolution is first deciding on the ultimate result. So this is the first step. You're not saying I don't ever want to drink again, but really asking yourself, what is my intention for wanting this? There has to be a bigger why what are the bigger implications for not wanting to drink for yourself or for changing the relationship to alcohol, so you no longer are in pain? Because we know alcohol is interwoven into all of your life. And right now you may be maintaining a status quo. But you're the wholeness of who you are that full expression of I am of your inner light is not able to shine through. And that is a truth. You cannot fully express yourself when alcohol is an integral part of your everyday life, or, you know, you're thinking about it all the time. So there has to be a bigger end result, I want to be in more authenticity of who I am as a person, I want to be an example of what's possible for my son. I want to see and have the opportunity to see my potential. As a human realized in this life. I want to live a more peaceful life with grace, and joy. So you see where I'm going here, like there. It's not just I don't ever want to drink again, that's not going to get you to where you need to go. You need to have an emotion involved in it. So that's the way that's how you can start what is the end result? Because the little steps in between a commitment might not be hell yeses, but what is your hell yes, at the end, and then those little steps along the way, when you're like, I don't really feel like it. You know, that that's just moving through some of the resistance, right? showing up to allow emotions to do the, to use the tools that you actually have to actually practice them to do the writing to see what are your thoughts about alcohol to get it down on paper in front of you. So you can see like, of course, I always want to drink every time. My kids are screaming, I think oh, my gosh, I wish I could get out of here. Right? So they're so by seeing that you can see. Okay, wow, that's my thought. And so my go to is the drink. So you work backwards. So what is the emotion that you want to have most of the time, I want to feel peace, I want to feel accepting of who I am. I want to feel confident and I want to feel like I can trust myself. And then what does that result look like to decide on the ultimate end result. And that takes practice, we know we don't learn anything overnight. As soon as we're adults, we feel like if I don't know it, now I'm giving up. And I've had so much resistance to this lately, with a few things that I've been working on with my coach. And it's just kind of hilarious to watch, because I'll have the resistance and then I come back. And I don't make it mean anything. But when we have that resistance instead of staying open, you know, we can tract so the heart closes off. So you have to step into a place that feels expansive, to make that end result. And this is step two, you have to choose love over fear of making a new decision is the first line of defense for interrupting your habit with alcohol. So right now, the reason that it hasn't worked is because you keep resulting in resolving to your old methods, to your old ways of solving a problem, you keep trying to solve the same problem with the same process, rather than being open to what's possible. And so when I say fear in love, these are kind of the two categories that like positive and not great feeling emotions step in and, and why when we choose to move through resistance. It's much better to move through resistance when you have love and compassion and expansion in your heart, rather than fear of the future. So that's what I was talking about earlier about new beliefs. And you can't take with you the belief that a life without alcohol is going to be terrible. And try to have a new resolve, you have to really step into the possibility of I'm going to start to remove, simply just remove all the story I have around alcohol to see what wants to come in. So you don't even need to replace your belief around alcohol with with something new. You can just simply say, I'm ready to release this, this attachment to alcohol and I'm ready to see what else comes in. And then that's the process of releasing the attachment because we know that it doesn't help it happen overnight. But the ability to choose love over fear and that is just that's that emotion catching yourself. When you step back into fear of the unknown or fear of failure from what has happened in the past. We know anything things possible if you have the right tools, and the right mindset to move forward. And all of that means is being open to surrendering to the process right now. And then you can start to kind of anchor in some more real finite goals for yourself. But right now, this is like I've had this habit and this story around alcohol that keeps getting stronger and more complicated. And the effects of alcohol are compounding now, more than they ever used to, I need to know that, that that joyful life on the other side of me is possible. So I need to release attachment to everything I thought alcohol once was, because your belief about alcohol is simply just conditioned thoughts that you reinforced with the habit and the result. And now the brain doesn't want to change because it gets that strong pleasure reward. So just catching yourself, am I choosing fear over love. And sometimes for me, when I find myself in great resistance to something and I start to shut down, I asked myself, how can I choose love instead? How can I choose love for myself in this moment, and for the other person involved? The third step is being willing to try a new way. And again, I mentioned that earlier, in the process of changing your relationship to alcohol in a way that will be long lasting and expedited. And to get the real results you want, where you kind of have these, this epiphany in your your brain literally switches a new track takes a new perspective on life, where you have this moment where you're seeing alcohol in your in you and your relationship to alcohol in a new way. Where there's been and you are exposed to a new truth, or a deeper understanding than you had before. And what has been a way of solving problems that we've been taught is that you change the action, right? That you solve by now you're just going to go exercise, go distract yourself and do this start. You know, reading books, or, you know, going to meetings, or whatever it is that problem are not solved by simply changing the action. Because what happens when you just change the action is you you bring the mindset, the way that you look at life, the fear based approach, or the indecision, overwhelm the confusion, of fear based thoughts, you bring all of that with you. So to really have lasting change, you have to start from the mind. And you have to see that and so you start growing your awareness. What else is possible. I know there's people out in the world that live alcohol free lives, and they aren't just happy all the time. The willingness to allow emotions to practice to try what's the worst that can happen if you allow an emotion, finding the wisdom of yourself inside of those emotions. So you gain more awareness about possibility about what you haven't seen, because you've been blinded by the illusions of alcohol. And then you learn you learn new tools, you learn a new approach to solving your problems, to celebrating to experiencing your emotions, where it's not just replacing it with food, or TV or some other thing, where you're just distracting yourself, you actually understand what it is to be human. And I don't think we'll ever quite figure it all out. But there is a grace. And that grace doesn't always mean happiness, enjoy, like big joy, but it can be peaceful, it can just be and of course, that's not what we're sold in our culture because grace and peace and not needing to attach to things doesn't, you know, generate revenue for people. So we are sold and told bigger, better, more, all of these things that are going to make us happy and more connected with our loved ones and ourselves when all it really is, is the opportunity to shift the focus inward to the experience of like what's actually happening here. And, and whose ideas are these anyway right? To really strip that all away and kind of rebuild it based on what you want, not what someone else is telling you, being the own, the master of your own mind and your own heart, calling in that divine expression. And then from there we grow. So we have the awareness of a new perspective, a new possibility, choosing love, and we educate ourselves on tools. And the process of allowing emotion, and managing our mind all of the things that I teach my clients writing down, and exploring all of our beliefs about alcohol that are running the show right now on repeat, and every choice you make around alcohol is a is a choice and is done with freewill. But it's so conditioned, that we're not even aware that it's happening, those thoughts and those feelings and those triggers just happen almost automatically. So it's the process of slowing down taking a step back in between not being the habit, but witnessing the habit, starting to question things, do I even want this drink and why? What would happen if I didn't actually have this drink, or what happened if I allowed my emotion to come through to have a beginning, middle and end, rather than just try to push it away or change it. If I just sat with this with myself right now, and allowed and welcomed it all in and held that same space for the people in my life that I love, I held myself in compassion. And then you practice it and you grow. So this is how you make a commitment. You decide on the ultimate result that you want that you don't yet have. You choose love over fear. And you just kind of check back in when you see yourself reverting back to that place of impossibility or probability. And then you have to be willing to try a new way. You can't be stubborn, you can't stand in righteousness, right? It's like, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy. And we want to hold on to those beliefs, because they are what creates our identity. But attachment is what creates suffering. So we have to be willing to let all of that go. We have to be willing to just really blow up the concept of how we've been relating to this world and how we've been relating to who we are. And the stories and even the stories of pain that we've been attaching to, you have to be willing to let all of that go to fill in a truth from new awareness from new ways of letting go surrendering to life, and then growth. And from that place, your ability and your bravery and your courage to try any new thing comes with such greater ease. Because there's not as much at stake. Because you don't feel like if there's a failure, if you do something wrong, you don't make it mean as much about you, because you continuously are stripping away the attachments of your identity. And it is a wonderful, beautiful place to live in. It is the evolution of our human species to step away from the meaning that we've created of all of these stories that have never filled and created happiness for us. They've created like short term pleasure. But we're looking for how can we experience all of this outer stuff from a place where we're already full inside. So having everything we need from the inside out, and then the rest is a bonus, then we can play in the playground, right of all the crazy fun stuff that we've created as human beings. But the work has to start inside it has to be you have to strip down from these identities that we've created for ourselves, stripped down the illusion that there is a right in a wrong way. And really dismantling the habit of alcohol is a process of remembering who you are at the most subtle, innate pure level before there was any separation before you committed to a story So, I had offered a couple of thoughts or questions to ask yourself, what is my intention for wanting this change? Step into your heart step into your motion? Does it come from fear and lack or love and trust, and exploring that a little bit more? What is the energy I want to create in my life? Am I willing to let this go? Or can I just let it all go and see what wants to naturally fill itself in. So as you're releasing some of the energy from 2020, and stepping into possibility of 2021, spending some time and first, really looking at what you did do all the big things, all the little things, I just wrote a really long list for myself, the ways that I stepped into my own personal responsibility of my life, creating, and making more space for newness with my relationship with my partner, Matthew, and making space for more patience to watch a five year old blossom into being his own person, making space for myself, growing my business, all of the little details of things that I could really reflect on that I spent, spent time doing the podcast, offering as much support and love and help as I can to the world, remembering to stay in that place of service from my heart. So first, reflect on what you have done, and then look and take that inspiration into this new year. And remember, the resolution to resolve a new way, takes commitment to a process, not just one and done. So when you resolve, resolve yourself to a process, not just to an action to actually learning a new way. And learning a new way takes time. It takes patience, it takes holding yourself. And it takes learning new tools and a new approach. And that's what I offer through my one on one coaching program. And right now, I have a few spaces left for 2021. It's a six month program. And I would love to invite you to come and talk to me, we will have a one on one private call, where we can really get clear about what's in the way of you making a new decision and committing to the process. And I really over the year honed in and design this program very specifically, to expedite your results. And to give you enough time where during this six months, you can really start to build the foundation for a new way of seeing life and the new muscle of learning a new way a new approach and filling your tool bag with tools that are going to support you not only to get you away from alcohol, but for every other area in your life and support you in being human. So if this resonates with you at all, today, I'll leave the link in the show notes to come and have a call with me. I'll talk to you about my three shifts process also to to interrupting a craving so that that can kind of get you started on your journey because you have to make space in between you and the emotion to continue to step into your truth. So you have a lot of beliefs about alcohol. And I'll leave you with this today. My sweet listeners. You have a lot of beliefs about alcohol, but what is your truth? And I talked a little bit about this in the solstice episode. If you listen to that, what is your truth? What do you know about alcohol and let that voice, that divine guidance, that little crack of light that's coming through, let that guide you to inspire you. That's the sea of love. The rest the fear is an illusion. It's not real, it's not true as much as it feels like it is. Those are just conditioned beliefs. But truth and love is the anchor that we need to step into, to live in to really carry us through this life in a way that can be joyful and we can experience And hold space for ourselves and our loved ones. And just let it be the magical, wonderful mystery that it is, without needing it to be anything or mean anything other than the opportunity to experience what it means to be you fully. Don't limit yourself in this lifetime. Don't let alcohol take any more of your life than it already has. Let's just drop the story and not replace it with something different. Let's let it replace it with the fullness of who you are. It is my pleasure. It has been my honor to be here with you this year. I wish you so much joy and peace and love in this new year. And if you would like a little bit of extra support with that there was an episode previously, the 10 reasons not to drink this holiday season. So that could help support you and an alcohol free New Year's Eve. Maybe support yourself with a nice bath and doing some of these practices that I offered today. Thank you so much for being here. Happy New Year. I love you and I will talk to you soon. Hey, if you're loving this podcast, you're definitely ready for the next step. I would love to invite you to learn my three shifts process to interrupt any craving and get you started on your journey to finding freedom from alcohol. All you need to do is click the link in the show notes or on my website Mary Wagstaff coach calm to schedule a private call with me. You will leave the call with the tools for success and feeling confident and excited about entering into your new phase of life and it's completely free to you. I look forward to connecting