Stop Drinking and Start Living- The Feminine Way

How You Know You Don't Have A Drinking Problem

• Mary Wagstaff

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What if nothing’s actually “wrong”—you’re just seeing it from an outdated perspective?

In this episode, you'll learn how to interrupt spirals of stress, resentment, or drinking urges without needing to fix anyone else or wait for the perfect conditions.

We’ll explore:

  • The mindset shift that instantly diffuses urges to numb
  • Why “it’s just a thought” can be the most liberating realization
  • How to take radical responsibility without bypassing your emotions
  • The Sacred Pause process that rewires your nervous system from reactivity to trust

This isn’t about giving up alcohol—it’s about giving up the need to abandon yourself.

🔗 Tap the show notes to grab your free urge guide or book a consultation to learn how the Sacred Pause Method can change your relationship with alcohol—and everything else.

DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the Feminine Way. I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff. Holistic Alcohol Coach and Feminine Embodiment Guide here to help you effortlessly release alcohol by reclaiming your feminine essence. Sobriety isn't just about quitting drinking. It's about removing the distortions that keep you disconnected, overwhelmed and stuck in cycles of numbing. Each week I'll share powerful tools, new perspectives that transform and deeply relatable stories to help you step into the power, pleasure and purpose that it is to be a woman. This is your next evolution of awakened empowerment. Welcome to the Feminine Way. Welcome back to the show. My beautiful listeners. It's Mary Wagstaff. If you're new to the show, welcome.

Speaker 1:

I just was reflecting on the fact that it's been five and a half years since I've been doing this show and a lot has changed. Half years since I've been doing this show and a lot has changed. I'm talking a lot about some of the same things, but from the new perspectives in which I'm always evolving because, as a coach, I'm getting to refine my process. I'm meeting new women who process things different and recognizing more. We all start from someplace different and that really is the power of private coaching. I think different sometimes from a group coaching program is that there's some people that come here and they come out of the park swinging where they've been primed, and then there are some people that are going through another really deep transition. Then there are some people that are going through another really deep transition, another sacred threshold in their life, whether it's they just entered menopause, they're just going through a divorce, they're shifting careers, maybe there's a grief that they're going through. All of these things are a spectrum. It's a spectrum in the private coaching process, through this sacred pause method, formerly known as the five shifts, which is what really this is. It's like there's no hard and fast rules. You can go back to alcohol, you can go back to your old way of living, your old mindset, the old ways that you've been showing up for yourself at any time if you want to, but let's take this sacred pause so that you can just get curious and experiment a little bit about what is it like to be held, what is it like to show up for yourself in a new way and really make self-inquiry the priority. If self-inquiry was your number one priority every week, what would the impact of that be? I mean, you know so, if every week, you were like, hmm, and this is what I wanted to talk about today, that what if all of your problems were just a perspective? What if all of your problems were just a perspective and, instead of compounding your problems by holding on to that perspective with a tight grip and wanting to control and change everything around you to match your perspective, that you could change your perspective to find a solution instead of having to change the circumstances around you. And this is essentially the essence of coaching.

Speaker 1:

Now, when it comes to the work I do, I really work through a feminine lens, so we don't just power through. And it's all about mindset, one of the perspectives that we have to change, especially around alcohol. And as we grow boundaries and as we navigate relationships, as we age and we get older and things become more important to us, it's really important that we shift our perspectives about how important emotional intelligence is, and your hormones are going to have a big impact on the shifting of your emotional bandwidth. What is what's even important to you, what you desire and those? That is the first step. So I have a process I teach my clients called the ETA.

Speaker 1:

It stands for emotion, thought, action, and when you are in a perspective that's not serving you, that you're. You know you've just resigned. You're resigning to a life of alcohol. There's no hope. This is just the way that it is. Or you have another perspective that you know life is going to be boring without drinking. Now there's an emotion that's going to be associated with that right Maybe sadness, maybe grief, maybe disappointment. It's so important for us to meet that emotion first, because in order to do that, in order to shift the perspective without changing the circumstances around us, you have to make space in your body for a new perspective to land, and most people don't really understand what it means to support themselves emotionally.

Speaker 1:

We know we have emotions, but what happens often is we're seeking something else outside of ourself to kind of give us permission or help us understand more. So maybe there's an argument with a spouse and we project right. Instead of really looking at what's happening inside for us and doing some shifting of our own perspectives and taking some of the sacred pause moments to breathe, to experience the sensations in our body, to rest and regulate our nervous system, we start projecting about what's wrong outside, and if only this could change, then I could soften, and this has been very much something that I've had to experience, one of the reasons that I am here is for many reasons, but I think first and foremost so that we can know, as a collective of women, that we're not alone, and for me to have a platform that feels really comfortable for me to share vulnerably. It feels really safe. You're here specifically listening to this, to gain some new insight, to gain awareness and hopefully to go apply something to your own life, and also to connect and let people who need my support and my services to let them, and that I have it all figured out, but that I am implementing coaching practices and practices of human development and mindset and mindfulness and things and tools that I've gathered over the years, that I'm actually implementing them in my life so that then I can serve people, because most coaches are doing the work of coaching, most coaches have coaches right, like I just had a coaching call yesterday with someone and it was very powerful and it was exactly what I needed to be supported, to be heard, just to kind of sift through some of the confusion that I was having, and because what my go-to is oftentimes is to go to my partner, is to go to Matthew, and it's almost like in 12 years I haven't figured out that he's there for some things but it's not his role.

Speaker 1:

He's created boundaries around it and it doesn't really serve our relationship. And so here's where the perspective could be a problem. I could think that that's wrong. He should be there for me no matter what. He should listen, he should try to solve my problems right, I could have all of these things. Or he's not there for me, he doesn't care, versus I'm going to be better served somewhere else with someone that has a skill set and you know more neutrality in our relationship and you know kind of like some space, because when you're in, when you share energetic space, the boundaries get smaller, you know so. So my perspective is this is his boundary, this is his sovereignty, and I would want him, or anyone, to respect my boundaries.

Speaker 1:

Right, and he's so sweet that oftentimes he listens to me go off about something that I'm confused about or that maybe I'm upset about, or I didn't get the result I wanted. But it often doesn't turn out well because he's in his kind of insecure attachment style, which is avoidant attachment. He looks a little bit like deer in headlights. He gets overwhelmed and then, instead of feeling those emotions for himself, he gets kind of frustrated and angry and it just. It's a cycle. That's happened so many times and I get in my insecure attachment style with him. Only with him am I do. I have this anxious attachment style where I'm like, let's fix it, let's sit down, like, like this is what you should do, like this is what I need to hear in those moments, right, and so I can, because I don't like that result, I'm coming back.

Speaker 1:

I'm coming back to reflect on what is my perspective of the situation. Well, my perspective is that if this thing outside of myself changed this part of you know, like if Matthew was better at his schedule, it would be easier for me to stay focused and organized. Now, when I say that out loud, how is that not true? I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous to think someone else's schedule and yes, our energies do overlap, and if you just see someone running around all the time kind of in chaos, like you know. But what are the boundaries right? What are the boundaries I need to create for myself so that someone can live their sovereign life, and that it's not my way or the highway, that it's, that there's no right way to live, because I have to shift the perspective. To put that same reflection on me. Would I want someone telling me that this is the right way, that this is the way you need to live? No, but we can come together and compromise and get very, very clear about our boundaries.

Speaker 1:

So what I want you to ask yourself is what's the main perspective? Because perspectives are just beliefs, but they have such an impact because they're our self-concept, they're how we see ourself in the world, and like a narcissistic tendency. If you know anyone who has narcissistic tendencies, which is a spectrum those people are often not willing to self-reflect. That's really the essence of a narcissist. They can't look at their own perspective with objectivity and even if they do, they still want to believe that their perspective is the correct way. And if they do change their perspective, it's typically self-serving, it's very egocentric, it's not to really support necessarily the other person, and I've been really recognizing this a lot in people. But I digress, this is important for you to know and I'm not saying you're a narcissist, but I think we all have narcissistic tendencies. But it's important for you to say am I willing to shift my perspective? And then this is about you.

Speaker 1:

But what we do in private coaching is we really look at the full spectrum of the impact of your life and how that equates to your drinking, how that equates to your happiness in your relationship, your fulfillment with yourself. But we have to start. You know you are the center of the wheel of change, so we have to start there. And you know a question you could ask yourself, depending on what feels the most serving for you right now, in this moment, kind of the thing that feels like the biggest problem in your life and if you're here, it potentially is alcohol. But there might be a reason that you know you're drinking right. Like I am so stressed out at work, like work is so overwhelming me, the only thing I have no left to do is to drink right. So it's not so much the alcohol, but your belief is that if things changed at work, it would be easier for you to not drink. So we have to understand what your perspective is that's creating that stress at work, because oftentimes it's not the circumstances. Most of the time it's not the circumstances. Now, things can always be unhealthy and there can be abuse and neglect and all sorts of things. A workload can be overwhelming, but you've really got to break it down. You've really got to break down the choices that you're making, the perspectives that you have.

Speaker 1:

When I worked in real estate, everything was always a fire, right? Not for me, necessarily, but for some of the realtors that I observed that I worked with, and if they didn't answer their phone all hours of the night, then their clients were going to go find someone else and it's like, okay, that's the perspective. So how is it true you want to find what supports you? How is it true that, by creating boundaries, you're going to be supporting your clients more? Right, because you're not going to be giving them the opportunity to vent, to freak out. They're going to have to manage their emotions, because going to just find another realtor that you've worked with, you know, is like a lot of work, right? So this is what we do in coaching. We find the perspective that you have that feels like it's creating the biggest problem, and with alcohol it could be.

Speaker 1:

My spouse drinks and there's just no way that I cannot drink if they are drinking every night, right? So you have to know that that is a perspective. It is not something that everyone believes, and the reason we know that is because we know that there are many people who relationships where one person drinks and one person doesn't. So we have to ask ourselves is this a fact or is this a perspective? And if it's a perspective, we have to ask ourselves is this a fact or is this a perspective? And if it's a perspective, then we know.

Speaker 1:

First, this is the first step in the sacred pause. Okay, this is a perspective that I'm willing to shift, and the first step is neutrality of the facts. Right, my partner drinks. My partner drinks, he drinks every day and he has typically three drinks a day at this time of day. So you kind of want to break down the facts of what that actually looks like, so that you can know how you're going to start creating a new perspective for you, how you're going to shift your focus from the expectation that that person needs to change to what does my intention need to be During that time? Does my intention need to be During that time, I want to start creating a system of exquisite self-care for myself, one of the milestones and the foundations of the feminine way. I want to create a regimen and a system for exquisite care during that time when my husband drinks. And we're just going to start there, and that's the perspective. The perspective could be. It's a perfect time for me to go do my own thing. Right, for me to set up a self-care date with myself, for me to phone a friend, for me to take my kiddo to the park right Now.

Speaker 1:

You might have objections for me saying this yeah, but da-da-da-da-da-da-da, right, whatever it is. And I want you to hear those. I really want you to hear those. But first, before you go change anything and you go change your thought, I want you to ask yourself too how does that perspective make me feel, that perspective that he's never going to change and it's going to be so hard? There's going to be disappointment, and I want you to take a moment to feel that inside of your body and take a couple of deep breaths and really hold space for that disappointment right Now. I'm not saying that that's what it has to be, but if we never give our emotions the chance to have a beginning, middle and end, they will keep coming back up in another form. So we can change the circumstances, we can change our thoughts, but our emotions are energetic imprints of our body that have to have a complete cycle for them to be released, because they're part of the self-concept system. So this is the confirmation bias that we exist. If we can't find proof for that disappointment that has been part of our personality anymore in our husband, we will go find it somewhere else.

Speaker 1:

And I've experienced this in my own sobriety. Right I've experienced where there was seeking, say seeking of a goal outside of myself, and I answered so many of those questions in sobriety. I tapped into feminine embodiment, where I was kind of a wanderlust for a long time and I was always kind of like seeking the answers to the universe outside and I realized everything is within me and when I'm sober I have access to more of that information. But I can see emotional patterns that are surfacing now that are coming out in kind of unhealthy ways. Some of those are just because I'm getting older too and I have different desires, but they keep coming back up again and again and again. So confusion is one of them, indecision is one of them. Lack of consistency, which I really nipped in the bud for five years as I got sober.

Speaker 1:

And recently I'm seeing, with a little bit of stress and a little bit of nervous system dysregulation, that some of those, in a way less way, are kind of creeping back in and my initial thing is to want to blame this example that I gave you about Matthew and his schedule, but I have to take control first for me, and the first part is to feel that confusion. The first part is to feel the overwhelm and allow that to have its space and then I can go in and shift my perspective right, instead of just kind of repeating the story of I'm going to start Monday morning. Here we go, I'm going to honor my schedule this week. I'm going to stick to this thing. I'm going to post every day. Well, that's the same habitual mindset that we have when we say we're never going to drink again.

Speaker 1:

So I'm applying the sacred pause method now to my own life, in a different category. I'm applying it now to my relationship to my boundaries. I'm applying it now to my relationship to my boundaries, to my schedule and creating new systems for myself. But I have to first allow myself to feel and then I have to understand well what's the perspective that's really creating the problem. I hope you have an amazing week and I'm going to take you on this journey of boundaries with me of becoming a more securely attached woman as we go on through these next several weeks, because my belief is that secure attachment really is the framework that creates boundaries. Boundaries haven't always been super clear to me. It's like what even is a boundary. So we're going to explore that more and we can learn together and grow together. I hope you're having an amazing week and I wanted to let you know that I have space for some private consultations coming up this week. So stepping into a new perspective creates taking a new action, a new behavior. Right that there is a new way, and coaching is the first step of creating that new self-concept for yourself. So everything you need to know is in the show notes. I can't wait to connect with you and I will talk soon.

Speaker 1:

The days of white knuckling your way through an urge are over. No more distracting yourself, no more avoiding alcohol, no more resisting, and I am not exaggerating when I say that doing this one thing for five minutes will change not only how successful you are in drinking less, but how much you will love your alcohol-free life. You are going to feel so good. So come on over to my website or follow the link right here in the show notes to grab the free urge guide that gives you the exact cheat codes to use to find relief without a drink and the best part is, no deprivation, no missing out required. I'll see you over marywagstaffcoachcom.