[220] From Overwhelmed to In Control. Tips Getting OUT of Overwhelm

Bing a mom, sometimes it feels like there's too much to handle. And you might feel a bit guilty too.

But guess what? We can make this journey better by paying attention to our thoughts and feelings. It's like using a treasure map to find our way. No feeling is wrong; it's all part of the adventure. And you know what makes us really awesome? Being ourselves!

In this episode I am talking to Melissa Peduzzi all about how stop being overwhelmed by the frustrations and chaos of motherhood and instead take control to create the joy-filled experience they dream of

Check out the show notes: www.realhappymom.com/220

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Transcript

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 0:00

So there's a lot going on right now you got work, you got a home that has lots of laundry and things all over the floor. And it seems like everybody needs your attention or need something from you. Now, in this moment, it is easy to get overwhelmed. I have been there many, many times in looked in disbelief like, I can't do this, like, I cannot handle it. But the truth is, is that you can, and in this episode today, I have a guest that's going to help us with getting out of Hey there, my name is Toni-Ann. I am the podcast host of the real half mom Podcast, the podcast for busy working moms who need help with time management and achieving their big goals without pulling their hair out. And fun fact about me, I have my Christmas tree up, and it's not even Thanksgiving. In this episode, I'm talking with Melissa petuzi, about how to stop being overwhelmed by the frustrations and chaos of motherhood and instead, take control and create a joy filled experience in our modern life. If this is something that you need help with it, definitely want to stay tuned to this episode. to chat with you today, just because before I hit record, I was saying that the theme song that I hear for many moms is that they are overwhelmed. And I am excited to talk to you about how we can move out of that and into something so much better. And that feels a lot better than feeling overwhelmed. But before we jump into that, I wanted you to share a little bit about you and what you do and who you serve.

Melissa Peduzzi: 1:35

Yes, I am Melissa, my husband and I have two boys through the blessing of international adoption. They are 12 and 13. And they keep me on my toes for sure. And we homeschool and so our house is always an interesting circus of you never know what's going to be going on. And growing up, I knew two things I knew I always wanted to adopt. And I always wanted to homeschool. And I had this kind of idealistic picture of what that was going to look like, you know, we'd sit around the table and do crafts and make cookies and everything would be sunshine and rainbows. And all of you who are moms are laughing at me now. Because you know, that's not what mom life ends up being like, at least 50% of the time, probably more than that. And so when my kids came home, the reality of what motherhood was like clashed so much against my expectations, and hopes and dreams. And it just created like this low level of frustration that I lived in. And I was telling my friends, I feel like I've lost my joy. I feel like I don't know what's happened to me. I know that I made for so much more. But I'm just stuck here in this icky place that I don't want to be. And I connect with moms who are older and wiser and who had been in my shoes and helped me walk through a different journey to finding my joy again. And those tools and things that I learned along that process are so valuable to me that I just couldn't keep it to myself. And that's where mom life by design was born. And I just have such a heart for helping mamas who are stuck in that frustration and that overwhelm in that feeling of I've lost my joy. And so it's one of my greatest joys to be able to connect with mamas one on one coaching through mom life by design to be able to just help them calm that chaos inside so that they can show up more productively and peacefully for the chaos that we all know is right outside. Oh,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 3:25

yeah, definitely. And that is one of the reasons why I wanted to talk to you. Because one, when this episode goes out, we will be in the middle of holiday season and it's going to be pretty busy. A lot of us and then to like I was saying before, as moms, we I hear a lot of us talk about being overwhelmed. So I wanted to just start off by talking to us about why many moms are feeling overwhelmed or struggling with feeling overwhelmed all the time.

Melissa Peduzzi: 3:56

Oh, yes. As all you mamas know, we were about 1000 hats. If you know the book caps for sale, where the guy walks around with all the hats on top of his head, I always think of mom's when I listened to that story because we've got the chef's hat, the mom hat, the driver hat, the scheduler hat. I mean, it just goes on and on and on. And so we have all of these roles. And I saw something that just blew me away. The other day I was reading an article about moms and it said that the average mom works 106 hours a week 106 whether she is a stay at home mom, whether she is at work outside the home mom, it didn't matter. Between all of her responsibilities. It was 106 hours of work a week. Now that's enough to make you exhausted alone with just the work that's there. But then there's the mental load that moms carry we know everybody's favorite cereal, we know preferences for socks, we know what they want to put on their candy list for Christmas, whatever it is. We've got all of that access in our brains, and it fills up so much space and it doesn't leave my for anything else. And then on top of that, we now live in this lovely age where we have access to the entire world, in our pockets. On our phones, we can look and see all the ways that all these people have. They're highlighting the best parts of their day. And it makes us feel like we're just not living up. Because we're not having this highlight reel. In our day, we're living the nitty gritty, that every day ups and downs that not everybody posts and you don't see. And so we have access to the entire world and all of the great ideas on Pinterest. And we feel like we've got to do them all in order to keep up with everybody else. And I know you've talked about it a lot to you on the podcast before is just this idea of busyness. And we almost carry it like a badge of honor. If I can be busy. I'm then I'm doing what I need to be doing. And that's not true. And so with that 106 hours that we're working, and our minds going overtime, and we're comparing ourselves with everyone around us, it's like this perfect storm to create so much overwhelm, because of course, we can't do any of those things well, right. I mean, when you look at it that way, it's almost laughable. But we try. And we try and we try. We try to hold all that up. And there's just no way that we can.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 6:12

Yes, yes. And so many things. I'm thinking here yes to everything that she said. And I think a lot of times it, it gets in our minds. And like you said, with all the things that we're seeing, and the thoughts that we have those things kind of start up that feeling of overwhelmed. And I know even before we started talking, you're saying you are having a moment not to throw you under the bus, Melissa, but I'm throwing you under the bus

Melissa Peduzzi: 6:38

for me. Go ahead.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 6:39

I'm just saying it. And I know we all feel it too. You're saying like you're having a moment. But she said, Wait, wait, hold on. And you got yourself back sanity and and so I was wondering what is the relationship between the thoughts and the emotions and how we can be like how you were in reel yourself back in when you start to feel like you're kind of getting into that overwhelmed. I can't do this anymore type of feeling.

Melissa Peduzzi: 7:02

Yes, I think a lot of times, we let ourselves be victim to what's happening in our lives, instead of realizing we have so much agency to create whatever it is that we want to experience. And when we can like truly grasp onto that idea. It is so freeing, and yes, we still have those moments, I was freaking out this morning about all of the things and I was completely just like a little top spinning around. And then I was like, wait a minute, you're not a victim to what's going on around you. You get to create from the inside out. And that's because our thoughts, they literally create our emotions. And I think we think the other way around, we think you know, this made us feel this way. And now we have this thought about it. But we're actually creating the things in our head. I was thinking I've got too much to do today. And there's not enough time for all of this. Is that actually true? It's not. But I can think it all day long. And when I think it my brain then goes on a mission to prove that thing true. Because our brains are so so smart. And they're like, Yep, you're saying this thing? There's got to be evidence for it. Let's find all the evidence. All right. So now I've got a loaf of bread burning in the oven. I've got a kid who needs some homework printed out, I've got to run to the grocery store and figure out how to get the thing that I forgot to put on the pickup order that my youngest has just now decided that he loves and hated two weeks ago, but I forgot to put it on the grocery order. I gotta figure out how to get that in there. And no school, oh, all of these things are things and you are starting this whole avalanche by going there's not enough time. What if there is enough time? What if there's enough time to get it all done? And then my brain can slow down and go, Okay, well, what if there is? If there is we can figure this out? We can do this thing. And you come from a much more problem solving centered kind of place than looking for everything that's going wrong. Does that make sense? Yeah,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 9:03

yeah, definitely. Definitely. And when you're saying all of that, I was thinking about how I had posted one time I was like, you know, check your thoughts, because sometimes they're not always true. Because I think a lot of times we get our minds into that place. And like you said, our brains will confirm whatever you're thinking man, and that will lead to those emotions that are really really strong and can really start to really the realism and make our days go even worse, though. Yeah, definitely. I'm with you on all of that.

Melissa Peduzzi: 9:36

I think t we can create so many thoughts about what we're feeling. And this makes me laugh the other way around to you. I think especially as women, we have learned to suppress certain emotions that may be perceived as negative. And so when we feel those emotions when we feel frustration when we feel anger when we feel those things we can think all kinds of thoughts well Like, Oh, look at me, I'm not a good mom, because I'm feeling really angry at my kid right now. And we make it be this thing about us other than, it's a feeling that I'm experiencing. And so when we can learn to just be at peace in our body with all of our emotions, allow them to be there. Because once they're there, they're there and allow them to move through our body while processing those and then listen to the message that they have to tell to us. They're not always truth tellers, but they do have something important that they want to say. And that frustration may mean I need a snack. Sometimes, that's usually what it means. For me, when I'm snapping at everybody, I just need a snack, because I probably forgot my last meal. Or it may mean you need a little bit of downtime. It's okay to take some alone time and take a breather. But those emotions have loving messages for us if we'll slow down long enough to let them move through our body and listen to what they have to say. Yes,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 10:56

I love all of that. And it's funny, because I've said this before on the podcast, how? There was one time I was working with a therapist, and she used to always ask me, like, how are you feeling in your body? And I used to get so annoyed with her. I be like, lady, like, we're talking about my body right now we're talking about it. But it was really true. Like, what is your, your body's saying to you? And like, just like you said, what are those emotions telling you? Um, so really paying attention to that, and like, not just taking it as like, Oh, this is truth? Oh, you know, I have to run with whatever I'm feeling. But really just checking in and like, kind of like questioning x and y. So I love all of that. Because it gets us out of that feeling of the overwhelm that I told you does not feel good at all into feeling more in control, and feeling more like you can handle things. Because I know when you're feeling overwhelmed, you just feel like, you can't you can't do anything like you're just a victim, like you said earlier. So I love all of that. And I love how you are centering things back in Acts and those those good questions.

Melissa Peduzzi: 12:00

Yeah, I mean, it's so important. And I think too, we think, you know, if I give in to feeling that anger in my body, right now, it's going to be here forever. Or if I let myself be sad about this thing that's making me sad, I'm never going to not be sad again. When in reality, our emotions take about 90 seconds to move through our body. But when we suppress them, because we don't want to feel it, when we're afraid of how long it's going to take, they sit in our body unresolved. And it's like pushing a beach ball under the water, you can hold it there for a little bit. But we've all been in the pool with kids, what happens eventually that beach ball pops up out of that water and it smack somebody in the face. Usually the people around you that you've loved that you don't want to explode all over, they're going to come out one way or the other. And so when we take the 90 seconds to sit with that uncomfortable feeling, and just allow it to be there, allow it to move through, feel it in our body, which does sound ridiculous, but it's there are this it's a feeling thing in our body. And so we just let it go. And then we can not be that exploding beach ball. That's popping everybody in the face. Yes. And we can move forward in a more productive way. I

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 13:09

love it. And you brought up something a little bit before and he touched on it a little bit that I want you to kind of unpack a little bit more. And that's what the mom guilt. Because you're saying like, yeah, I feel you know, bad about being upset with my kids or I, I feel guilty about, you know, being frustrated with them. So I was wondering if you can unpack that a little bit more and help us understand why and where it's coming from and then to how we can keep it from making our days. Not so great. Yes,

Melissa Peduzzi: 13:39

mom guilt is a direct result of a story that we're telling ourselves, that isn't true. And so we've got in our brain, sometimes we can't even tell what the story is, it's been told for so long. And it's just that same old song and dance that our brain. It's kept us alive thus far, but we're definitely not thriving. And so it's gonna keep going back to what we've done over and over again. And so it can be so helpful in seeing from an outside opinion on what's going on inside your brain. So if you have a trusted friend, you can kind of talk things through with a counselor, a coach, a spouse, a sister, a mother, anybody who can listen to your thoughts and tell them back to you. It's amazing the clarity that you can have, as you're hearing your thoughts come back to you. You're like, Whoa, I didn't even realize that I was saying that thing. It's happened to me multiple times, like well, I didn't even realize I was using the words my kids are making me crazy. Over and over again. It just was coming out of me. It was how I thought I was feeling at the time. And then what it showed me is I was making myself a victim to what my kids were doing what my kids were choosing, instead of actually choosing for myself how I wanted to show up. And so I was When you say my kids are making me crazy, you're super frustrated, right? You're looking for every example of how they're frustrating the mess out of you. Because they seem to be experts at that. It's sometimes I don't know anybody else, just me, but and so you just are constantly looking for that and snapping at every little thing that pops up. Because it's triggering that, again, my kids are making me crazy. Look, there's that evidence right here and right here and right here. And instead of being that peaceful present mom that you want to be, you're an erupting volcano that's attacking everything, and everybody that's coming at you. And so then we make that mean, I'm a terrible mother, because I don't enjoy being around my kids. They are constantly looking to get away from me, because I'm always snapping at them, they feel defeated, I can see it all over their face. And so then that's just like this barrage of guilt, and shame. And then on top of that, we have all of these things that we feel like we should be doing, I should feel better about this, I shouldn't be shaming my kids or frustrated at my kids are erupting like a volcano. And so when we combine all that together, we're just operating out of this guilt and shame. And nobody does well, with guilt and shame as leaders. And so we just are propelled through life with this icky feeling that's settling in us, that isn't getting us where we want to go. But we don't know how to get anywhere else. Because we're telling ourselves that same story, again, we're stuck in that loop of I am a bad mom. Because here's all the evidence for that. And then we feel guilty, and shame. And we just keep keeping it on more and more, and it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger. Like we said before our brains so smart, it finds what we tell it to look for. And when we tell it to look for all the ways that we're failing, sure we're human, we fail, there's going to be plenty of evidence there. But if we can start to flip that script, and go, You know what, I am just the mom that my kids need. imperfect, messy, sometimes frustrated, I'm just the mom that my kids need, what an example for your brain to start looking for. And you'll see you know what I did kind of lose it. But then I modeled for my kids how to apologize, and how to repair a relationship. You know what, I didn't make the perfect Christmas tree cake with my kids for Christmas. But we did the slice and bake cookies, and they had a blast doing it with me while we sang Christmas carols. And so then your brain can start to look for all of that evidence to show you know what, you're not a bad mom, you're an amazing mom, for your kids. And then we can start to move out of that guilt. But does that mean we'll never feel it again? Absolutely not, we are still going to struggle with those stories. But when we can catch that story that we're telling ourselves and start to learn how to flip that, and experience the other side and train our brain to look for those things, then we can move out of that space of operating from guilt and shame and instead, move from a more purposeful, joyful place.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 18:11

Yes, I love it. I love it. And one thing here, real happy mom, we really talk a lot about time management and productivity. And I feel like when you are in that state that you're describing, as far as feeling defeated, and filling all the guilt and the shame, it's really hard to be productive when you're feeling like that. So I know a lot of times, like, you know, we want the tips and strategies and all that, so that we can make the most of our time and things like that. But sometimes it is, you know, finding ways to get out of that icky feeling of Mongo or getting out of the overwhelm, that we can start to begin to be even more productive. So you kind of like, put some little breadcrumbs out there as far as some things that we can do to help us get out of feeling overwhelmed and not feeling that guilt. But I was just wondering if there's any, like practical things that you would suggest for moms who are listening who are struggling with feeling super overwhelmed, and that mom guilt was creeping in? What would you say to them on like some practical things that they can do to start getting out of that?

Melissa Peduzzi: 19:14

Oh, that's such a good question. And I love it so much. I've got a story to tell you first, and then we'll jump right into the practical. And so I'm going to lead with this. Your unmanaged mind is like an unattended three year old with a Sharpie. Now every mom here is like, oh my gosh, I gotcha. But when my youngest came home, he was three and a half. And we started working on practicing writing his name and his name starts with A J. And so we were practicing writing our capital J's on paper and he just wasn't getting it yet. And it's not to be expected that he was but we just kept practicing every day the little Jays you know, we were working on that. And I went upstairs one day to their playroom. And on the back of our couch that was upstairs were the most glorious Jays you have ever seen in your entire life, in bold black Sharpie, they were on the arms of the couch, they were on the backs of the couch, they were everywhere Big or small, they were everywhere. And so a three year old with a sharpie, they can do a lot. But it's usually destructive, and not productive. And so our mind is exactly the same way, we've got to take control of the Sharpie. We can't be mad at the three year old who's written all over the couch with a sharpie when we left the Sharpie within reach. If we take the Sharpie back, and we put it in a place that's safe, where a three year old can't reach it, which is our mind that likes to go to the guilt and the shame and the frustration and the anger, then we can experience so much more peace and power. And so the one of the first things I teach my clients, I call it the mind, heart soul cycle. And so if you start to work this process, I do it to some days when I feel stuck. But most days, I start at the very beginning of my day with intention with what I want to experience that day, going through this cycle. And I'll walk it through you, if you want to go through it today. Yes, definitely. Alright, so the first thing you want to do is mind you're going to be conscious of your mind, you've got to uncover those thoughts that are creating your reality. I set a timer every morning for three minutes. And I just brain dump everything that's going on in my heart, in my mind, you can wake up with some crazy thoughts. Like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I have to do this. Again, I'm living Groundhog Day. Like that's one that likes to come up for me a lot. Like it's gonna be exactly the same as yesterday, and yesterday was terrible. It really wasn't Melissa, let's back this train up, hold up. And so I'll just take three minutes and write it all out. So you can see a visual representation of what's actually going on inside of your mind. Now, like I said, You can do this when you're struggling. And when you feel stuck and overwhelmed. Or when you're having a really hard mom guilt day, you can start there by writing all that down to you. But it's just a good proactive practice, just to start to see, hey, what's going on up there? What's our brain trying to tell us? What are we actually shining that flashlight on? And then what can we identify that's creating things maybe we don't want or creating things that we do want. And so then after you're you're conscious of your mind, the next thing you're going to do is tap into your heart. And that's what we talked about that understanding and processing your emotions. There's no such thing as a bad emotion. We're humans, we have access to feel them all. And that's what makes us life beautiful and wonderful. And crazy and unpredictable is we have access to an entire range of emotions, some of which we are hesitant to allow, or to feel because maybe we've been told that those emotions are bad, or you shouldn't feel like that. Or moms don't feel like that. It's okay. So when I tell you all your emotions are okay, emotions are just reactions from thoughts in your brain. And once they're there, they're there. And so you've got to learn, to sit in those to be at peace with those allow them to move through your body, and process that was all the way through. And then you get to decide what you want to feel so much freedom in that if you want to feel more joy, joy does it come from outside things. It doesn't come from everything going your way it comes from what you think inside of you, comes from those thoughts that you generate joy with and we have access to unlimited joy to you that we can generate. And then the last step is to lead with your soul. You get to embrace the mom that you were created to be and allow her to be present first with yourself. And then with your kids. And so as you learn this mind, heart soul process, it's like a cycle, it just goes back around. And so as you can start with where you want to be, you can then decide what feelings would I feel if I want if I'm this joyful present, mom, What feelings do I need to feel in order to be a joyful present mom with my kids? And then in order to feel those feelings? What thoughts do I need to think in order to feel those feelings? And so then you can just practice that thought. Our results usually link right back to our thoughts. Whatever we're experiencing in our life, we can chain that right back to vote. We're thinking and we've gone over a couple of examples before but once you can, if you're thinking I'm not a good mom, how are you feeling when you're thinking that you usually feel defeated? You feel like nothing's ever going to go right you just feel that shame and defeat and so as a result, what do you do you pull away from your family. You don't show up as the mom that you truly desire to be right when you're thinking I'm not a good mom. That's the end result. But if you put into place that thought We talked about earlier, I'm exactly the mom, my children need. That makes me feel empowered, I don't know about you. But I feel empowered when I think I am exactly the mom, my children need we were made for each other, then I can make a decisions to interact positively with them. And I'm showing up as that connected mom that I want to be. And so as you can see, it just kind of circles back around. And you can keep doing that over and over again, for anything you're experiencing. Any feeling any action that you want to create any thought that you keep coming back to you just put it in and see what happens.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 25:35

I love it. Now, if there is one thing that you would want moms listening in to take away from everything that we've talked about, what's the one thing that you want, for us to take away for us to really grasp and to really take with us after we're done, listen to this conversation.

Melissa Peduzzi: 25:53

I just want moms to know that they are not alone, and what they're experiencing. I think sometimes we create these islands of shame and guilt, because we think we're the only one who is this way, or is feeling this way. But Mama, you are not alone. We all experience a full range of things. And there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with your momming you are doing the best you can where you are with what you have. And you are not alone. I just want Mama's to know that I feel like there is so much we can do together that we can't do when we isolate ourselves in this little prison of guilt and shame and frustration that we don't want to share with others because we feel like it makes us different. We all experienced those things. And it's okay. You're human to you as superhuman because you're a mom. And you're not alone.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 26:57

Definitely, definitely know, Melissa, I know you have a special resource for us. I want you to share what it is and where we can find it.

Melissa Peduzzi: 27:06

Yes, mom is listening. If this conversation has resonated with you, I'd love for you to come say hi, at mom life by design.com/real. Happy Mom, I've got a few gifts for you, just for you right there. And so this to tell you a little bit about those for the mama who feels like she's at the end of her rope. I see you. I have been there too. I know how exhausting it is to feel stuck and overwhelm and frustration. And I know, deep down you know that being a mom is such a blessing. But it does not feel like it when you were hiding in the back of your closet with a chocolate bar while the chaos unfolds just outside your door. Anybody else was that just me yesterday, I don't know. You want so much more. But that's all the demands of mom life, make everything else feel so far out of reach. And I've got a few spots on my calendar for a free coaching call just for you. And before you hear anything else, Mama, I want you to know that chaos is welcome on the call. I know so many times moms are like I can't get on a call you do not understand the circus that is happening in my house and bring your circus, bring your laundry piles, I will bring mine to you and we will meet you there together. And for 30 minutes, we're going to talk about whatever's going on how the kids are making you crazy, the list of the things that are undone, that are going to be your undoing how you just can't escape the neck and feeling that you are a bad mom and not enough. We're going to talk about it. And I will not leave you there, I promise. We're going to dive in on one specific trigger that's creating a lot of your frustration and create an action plan to implement right away. So that you can leave feeling empowered in control and full of peace as you practice it because you are not alone, Mama. And if you are not quite ready for that yet, I do have a free download of some new thoughts to practice that are going to get you started feeling more peace and joy today. And you can find us at the link in the show notes. And I would love to connect with you, Mama. Because we are so much better together. Yes,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 29:04

yes. So yeah, I will definitely have that link in the show notes. Thank you. Thank you that is really, really kind of you to offer all of that. Now, Melissa, if we want to connect with you online, where is the best place to get in touch with you? Instagram

Melissa Peduzzi: 29:19

is where I spend the most time online and I'm at mom life by design on Instagram there and my website is the same mom life by design.com.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 29:27

Perfect. And again, I'll have those links in the show notes. Melissa, it has been so much fun and a joy to talk to you. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing all of this with us.

Melissa Peduzzi: 29:39

Thank you for having me, Tony. And this was such a great conversation.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 29:44

So that does it for this episode of The Real happy mom podcast. To find the links in the show notes head on over to Real happy mom.com/two to C row. And make sure to stay tuned for next week for another cool episode. Take care and with lots of love. Bye