[[REWIND]] [157] 3 Tips to Overcome Power Struggles With Your Child with Lindsay Ford

Have you ever felt like there's a constant battle between you and your kids?

Like, asking them to pick up the toys only leads to meltdowns and attitudes out of nowhere. All we want is to walk around without injuring ourselves the Legos left on the floor.

I used to think that I was struggling with my kid's meltdowns because it seemed to always be a full moon. Then I learned about power struggles.

Kids have a basic need for power. When they feel like they don't have power, that is when the struggle begins.

But giving them power doesn't have to mean giving up your power as a parent.

There are ways where both you and your child can feel in control.

Check out this episode with my guest Lindsay to learn why power struggles happen and 3 tips to overcome them.

ABOUT LINDSAY
Lindsay helps moms get their kids to listen without yelling, threats, or bribes. She likes to think of herself as your future parenting BFF - someone who is supportive, encouraging, helpful, and understands what it's like to parent in the real world.

SHOW NOTES FOR THIS EPISODE: https://www.realhappymom.com/157

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Transcript

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 0:00

Are you dealing with a kid with some really big emotions? Maybe some of the tantrums, the rolling around the talking back? All those fun things that we have to deal with with our kids? Well, if you are struggling like I have, this episode is for you. Hey there, my name is Tony. And I am the podcast host of the real happy mom Podcast, the podcast for busy working moms who need help with time management, and achieving their big goals without pulling their hair out. And in this episode, this one is actually a previously aired episode that I had with a friend Lindsey, who is going to be sharing with us some tips to overcome some of the power struggles that we have with our kids. So if you are needing some help in this area, make sure you stay tuned to the full episode. Lindsey, Lindsey, I was just telling you before I hit record, like I am dealing with the power struggles with my children. So I'm super pumped to have you and talk to you about power struggles and how we can overcome them. But before we jump into that, I just wanted you to share a little bit about you and what you do. Sir,

Lindsay Ford: 1:06

I am in the realm of positive parenting and I help moms get their kids to listen without yelling threats, brides repeating themselves over and over and over again. And I am a mom of two little kids myself, I have a seven year old and a five year old. And I know how hard parenting is. And I am here as a guide in many ways. But I want you to think of me as almost like your parenting BFF like I'm here to support you and reroute you on and I never want you to ever feel bad about how you're parenting because we are all doing our best. And we are all a work in progress. Yes,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 1:45

definitely. And I'm totally with you and you say a work in progress. Because some days I feel like I haven't like I'm good. I got this. And then other days I'm like, oh my God Save me. Help me, please. So I wanted to talk to you in particular about power struggles because like I was mentioned to you before, I have a now eight and five year old. And my five year old God bless America, he gives me a hard time when it comes to power struggles. Like he was such a great baby, such a great toddler. Like he had tantrums but it'd be like literally for like 20 seconds and it's over. Boom, done. So it was easy. But now, Lindsey, you got to save me, like helped me out here. So I'm just wondering, let's start from the top. Why do pay tantrums and power struggles happen to begin with?

Lindsay Ford: 2:33

Yeah, so power struggles are we all have this innate desire for control over ourselves and our lives and our kids are really no different. And where it comes out, as you know, those behavior issues, and we call them power struggles is where you know, the power dynamic is off, they're either wanting a lot of power, or we're wanting a lot of power and control. So they are doing that for a couple of reasons. Maybe they feel out of control. And they're trying to you know, that overwhelmed feeling, and they're trying to get more control. It's kind of like a coping mechanism. I know I personally do this as well, when I'm feeling really overwhelmed and out of control. I tried to, you know, boss everyone around and tell them what to do and try to over control. So our kids do that, too. They also feel when they're feeling really disconnected and almost like they don't belong or they don't matter. They feel important when they are in charge or they're they're the boss or not letting anyone bossing them around. So it's almost this defense mechanism to almost feeling disconnected from either you or the other people in their lives. So those are a few reasons why the power struggles happened. And then tantrums can be related to power struggles, and we're talking about tantrums in the context of power struggles here. It's just, you know, that's their way of communicating. So, all misbehavior is the miscommunication. And they're telling us something when they are vying for control when they are tantruming, when they are, you know, throwing things and hitting things, and all of those fun things we get to experience as parents, they're really telling us that they're frustrated, they're feeling overwhelmed. They're feeling jealous. They're feeling unseen. I'm heard all of these things. So as parents, we just need to become really good at interpreting what they are really saying. And then working with that rather than taking it personally and you know, getting our defenses up.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 4:44

Yeah, no, definitely. And one thing that I heard a long time ago, I don't even remember who said this. So if you're listening and like I've said that on my podcast, I apologize. I can't give you credit, but I remember listening to one lady and she was saying, you know, sometimes she like looks at her child and she thinks of her child as well. Like, a little drunk person or, or she thinks of them as like something like any little itty bitty so she doesn't take it personally. And that's sometimes what I have to do. I have to like not like get mad at my son when he's like throwing those tantrums. So it's easy for me to kind of control myself in that aspect. So I don't act out when he's acting out. But the problem is, is trying to get him to like, calm back down is the biggest thing is I'm like feeling like okay, like, bro, like, it's been like 20 minutes, like, Can you calm down? So I'm just wondering, like, what strategies do you have when it comes to overcoming these tantrums and power struggles when our kids are just kind of losing it?

Lindsay Ford: 5:39

Yeah. So when they are like, really tantrum and melting down, and they you, you almost feel like you can't calm them down there, they do get to a place where it is all all consuming, and all overwhelming, where literally, the part of their brain that's responsible for calming down is just not there for the moment. So keeping a really calm presence yourself, so they can sort of feed off of your energy is really, really important. So that's always step one is getting getting your head in the game and getting centered yourself and staying calm. Anything connecting to your child. So if you think back to what I said a couple of minutes ago about, you know, they're feeling disconnected, and they're trying to get power. So they feel like they they belong in matter, essentially. So anything connection related is going to make it feel like a safe space for them to a let out their emotions, but be calm down, it signals to the brain that it's safe to calm down. When they're in that high reactivity mode. They're in a fight flight or freeze response. So that connection brings that safety feeling to them to calm down. So you've been saying something like, I need a hug, and just extending that invitation. And if they don't respond, if they don't hug, that's okay, just repeat yourself, I need a hug. And if they don't do it, again, I need a hug. Just you know, find me when you're ready. And you can give them some space, you can leave the room, you can stay in the room, it doesn't really matter. But the invitation for connection remains there. Sometimes just validating feelings and and or, you know, narrating the story from their perspective. So if they're upset because you said no. about something, oh, you really wanted that you're you're bummed out. I said no, or, you know, something like that, you know, my son, we bought him an orange juice at the market this morning. And we were walk rocking home and within like a block, he had just down the orange juice and he was upset, he was upset that he had no more orange juice. And, and it was just like, okay, yeah, you're, you're, you're disappointed, you drink that so fast, and it was so good. And now it's gone. And so just kind of putting words to their feelings can really, really help. And the other thing that's kind of feels a little bit counterintuitive, is just letting the tantrum happen. And, and it's not that you're letting the behavior happen, but you're like providing a safe space to let out their feelings. So if you think about it, like they're having a rough time, and they're letting it out, and you're just like, Okay, I'm gonna just gonna hang out with you, I'm just gonna be here with you. And it's okay, I'm here for you, whatever you need. And you don't even have to say much, but just just be with them. And that's a good those are anything that connects like that is going to be a really really great step to help them calm down. And then if there's any correction that needs to happen, say they've hurt somebody or they've destroyed something or something like that. After do this after when everything is calm, because in the moment, they're not their brain is not able to hear that that correction advice or doesn't want to hear they're just want to be mad for a little bit. Okay, so So the correction piece can come later. And it can come 20 minutes later, it can come a couple hours later if need be. So just don't be in a rush to jump to the correction piece. Connect first make sure they're in a listening state. And then then you can bring in that and teach them, you know, and then teach them with your correction piece to okay, if we get upset. How do you want them to show that they're upset? Right, and you can start to work on that with them too.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 9:44

Yeah, definitely. You brought up a lot of really good things because I know with my youngest I'll tell him I asked him I'd be like, Do you need a hug and he'll be like, Yes, Mommy I did. And I'd be like, okay, come on, like come on. But sometimes I'll be honest, like, I'm like so pressured. I'm like, get away from you. cuz I know I can't even do it.

Lindsay Ford: 10:03

Well, and that's an interesting one too, because I'm like you sometimes where I don't want to do it, but when I do it, the hug helps me calm down. Yeah, it read really?

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 10:17

Yes, definitely. Because literally yesterday I was in the store returning some items, and I don't know why but it was taking the lady for ever to like, ring up my stuff and do the the the credit on to a store credit card. And he just lost it. And I'm just like, bro, like, first of all, it's like all these people looking at me. Second of all, you're super loud, like, oh my gosh, like I'm trying to stay calm, but at the same time he's not. And so like, immediately, like, I always go back to like, the baby days, like, Okay, you're either tired or hungry. Like it's one of those two things. But um, for him, it was I think he wanted something and I was like, no, like, you can't have that. So it took him a while to calm down. And I just was like, having such a hard time because I was I'll be honest, I was embarrassed because I'm like, bro, like, everybody's looking at me, because you will not be quiet. And then the lady light was getting like, you know, like, flustered cuz she's like, oh, there's all this noise. And I'm just like, Oh my God, because this new words like really, and then it did because then they were like giving away some stuff for free. And I like I missed it. Because it was like, whoever gets in first five minutes gets this, whatever free thing that we're giving them like, ah, like, I didn't even get the free stuff. But I just really wanted him to just like whoosah. And then literally, we got in the car and I started driving boom, he was out he was sleep. So I knew he was tired. But it's just like, a lot of times, like, you know, how can we like keep those things under control. So it doesn't like flare up and he's rolling around on the floor and crying and making a whole lot of noise, that kind of thing?

Lindsay Ford: 11:56

Well, and it's hard to when they when they get a bit older, with a tired piece, like when when they're babies, you kind of know their nap schedule. But like when they're older than a nap schedule, right. So like the tired is, it catches me off guard to like it, it really does. So it's I mean, it's being able to tune in, but also like when you're out in public, there's the added layer, because you feel all the eyes on you and you feel the pressure and then you're you're worried other people are judging you, and you're judging yourself. So there's, you know, when you're out in public, like so much of this is like so much of parenting is our inner work and like our ability to deal with our own crap. Because really, who cares what the random people in the store are thinking in all honesty, and we don't want to be disrespectful to that and, and anything, but when we are in line with how we want to parent and our parenting strategy, like we are focused on okay, like, my priority is helping my kid regardless of what anyone else is thinking or doing, it becomes easier now that is easier said than done. So if like, you were kind of tied to that, you know, cashier or whoever was doing your, your refund for you. But in usually in a store setting, I would recommend just you know, stepping outside for a few minutes. So you can get away from the pressure of having people look at you or go to the car or something like that just to calm yourself down. So then you can be that calm presence for your child. And, and when you're calmer. You're able to think of more creative strategies to help your child out versus when you are getting agitated. Because then you're just kind of, you know, maybe barking orders or you're, you're, you're getting grumpy and like angry and it's just counterproductive.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 13:57

No, definitely, because I look back at this situation. I'm like, there's so many different ways that that could have gone differently had I had changed the way that I was, you know, handling things and not that it was like terrible, but it could have, it could have went a lot better had I have just like probably walked out of the store, like you said, or you know, not continued to keep shopping. Everything like it's crying wasn't happening. You know, it was a lot of things that definitely I can do and for sure seeing it now. Like keeping that calm presence, I think is the key thing. That I think especially for us moms, like we just think like oh, they'll figure it out like they need to get it together. But I think a lot of times too, like we don't want to you know kind of push on some more of that trauma or cause our kids to have issues or whatever so it's like it's this fine line between like, okay, like, how can I like do a good job of parenting but at the same time not traumatize like it

Lindsay Ford: 14:56

yeah, and and so many so many moms are worried about, about about exactly what you just said? Like, like, I don't want my kid in therapy complaining about me, like about how all the ways I screwed them up. But, you know, for, for me, what's really helped is like, okay, you know what, I'm probably going to screw them up in some way, shape or form. And that's not to say I'm just throwing in a towel, but it's like, okay, you know what, you know, I can list off a number of reasons, you know, my parents screwed me up, or, or, you know, not that they were bad parents or anything. But I really don't believe you can leave childhood without, like, you can't leave childhood unscathed. Like, I feel like your perception of the world, as a child, you don't have a fully developed brain, you're not thinking logically and rationally, you're, you're, you know, even if we were to parent perfectly and do everything by the book, and everything that experts say, you still can't control how your child perceives things. So from their perspective, they have a completely different view on the world than you do. And, and I feel like, what has really helped me is like, Okay, I can't control that I can't control everything. And you know, what? Therapy? It's not so bad, right? And I look at, like, like, I really think we need to normalize therapy more, because I think it's really beneficial. And even I think of how much I have changed in my adult years, and how I've improved and grown, and I believe that is possible for my kids, too. So I feel like that, does it. It takes the pressure off in some ways. Because I'm just like, okay, you know what, I don't have to be perfect.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 16:55

No, definitely, I'm totally with you on that one. Because that's the one thing I keep telling myself. Like, I don't want my kid like sitting on the couch talking to me talking about me. At the same time, like, I feel like we all kind of like pass on like some things like It's like our parents pass something phones to us. So I totally agree with you on that one. But I'm just thinking about the mom who is having an extremely hard time with their child and feels like they're failing, or they don't know what they're doing. When it comes to child when they're throwing tantrums or they're not, you know, just not really showing up for the kids like how they think that they should what, what would you say to that mom, so that they can begin to see like they are actually doing a good job and that they actually got it under control?

Lindsay Ford: 17:42

Yeah, so parenting, it's really about, if you feel like, you need to change something, then you can work on changing something. And that's not to say everything needs to be overhauled in your parenting, there's probably a lot that you are doing well, it's just we have a negative bias, like a negativity bias, like we've focused on all the things we've done wrong, when there's a million things that we are also doing well with our kids. So sometimes, you know, two things that are super simple that come to mind is tracking what you what you want to achieve in your parenting. So what I mean by that is like, you know, if your child is having lots of meltdowns, okay, track the number of times you were able to remain calm during the meltdown. So don't focus on the times you yelled and got upset and did whatever it was you're doing. Okay? Did I like how many times did I remain calm today and start to track that. So then you can see a visual, and don't focus again on perfection. It's about progress. And if you think of parenting, like one of those stock market graphs that go up and down, up and down, up and down, and hopefully the church trajectory is going in that upward direction or going towards the goal you want to achieve. But there's going to be lots and lots of ups and ups and downs. And the second thing that comes to mind is really about reframing your thoughts. And so if you're thinking that, you know, my child was having epic, epic tantrums, and I can't get them under control, like, that's a very disempowering thought, right? And that's what you're telling yourself. That's what maybe what you're telling other people and that feels really deflating. But if you can shift that to something like, Oh, we're having a lot of tantrums, and I'm not really sure what to do right now, but I'm trying to figure it out. Like, that feels a little bit better. So you're not trying to jump from like feeling that disempowered to like, hey, it's so totally awesome that my kids having to interims no just look for a thought that feels a little bit better. And that's your new, that's your new thought to yourself. So if you're catching yourself, like thinking, Oh, this is, you know, my kids having tantrums, I have no idea what I'm doing, like, we're gonna be stuck in this forever. What's it gonna be like, as a teenager, all of these things, just stop yourself and then put that new sentence in, like, you know, we're having we're having some tantrums. We're figuring I'm, and I'm figuring it out. And something like that, that just gives you that little bit of relief and just start to make those gradual shifts.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 20:31

Yeah, definitely. Because even when you're saying that, because I think I was having a conversation with my sister about the little guy. And she was just like, what's his deal? Because she did the same. He did the same exact thing that he did to me and the story to her. And but she has like, way less patience than me. So she was just like, you're going home to your dad, like, I'm not dealing with? Like, what's his problem? Like, he used to be like, so chillin. So going on, like, I don't know, he's just like going through things. But even like, even the way that was talking about it, like now even talking to you, Lindsey, like I'm seeing how I can like shift the way that I even talk about things so that it does sound more empowering. Versus I don't know, it's not my kid, my kids all messed up like you because I know, it's just the face for him. And so that's part of the reason why it doesn't bother me as much. But the only reason why I was just like, man, like what's going on, because it's literally like shifted, I feel like, literally, like in the last month, it's just like, all of a sudden, boom, like, his campaigns are like, way overboard. And it's just like, he doesn't calm down as easy as he usually does. So that's how I'm like, okay, like, what's going on? Did I miss something? And is it me? Like, is it him? Am I not beating him the right foods? Like, what, what's going on? But I'm beginning to see now after our conversation that, you know, a lot of it starts with me and staying calm and the way that I talk to him and, and talk to myself to about the situation. Yeah,

Lindsay Ford: 21:57

and if and if it's if he's not calming down right away, or if he's, like, it could be just, he's overwhelmed emotionally, like, it could just, you know, sometimes when we hold things together and hold things in, or we, you know, we're the we're the good kid, and we do what we're what we're told, all like emotions need to be felt. So if we're not feeling our emotions on the regular, that just kind of builds up, and then it spills out all at once. And those are where we get like, the 40 Minute an hour long tantrums and those are just like, just all of those pent up emotions just blasting out so it could be even, it could be that it's not about a power struggle. It could just be about pent up emotions or something like he's feeling overwhelmed in some way. Yeah, no,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 22:45

definitely. Because even when you say that, I think about my oldest because that's the my oldest, he's the more challenging one. He gave me a run for my money when he was little, he still does now. But I think again, I have learned how to deal with it a lot better. But he was that child literally would have a tantrum for like two hours, like non stop, just go and I'm just like, bro, like, seriously, it's been two hours, can we please like, chill and watch it? Or you know, what, whatever it was that you wanted to watch. So I'm definitely seeing that now. And even to Lindsay just having those conversations with them. Because I think a lot of times we think like, oh, they're little kids, like they don't, they don't know, they don't know about their emotions, like these kids know, like, they'll tell me some things and like explain how they're feeling and what they're thinking. I'm like, wow, like, Okay, I will sit back and relax a little bit. Like, they have a lot of feelings and a lot of opinions. Like I think a lot of times that I just don't acknowledge enough so be more mindful of that and in talking to them and just communicating with them like hey, like what's going on? Like, why are you so upset? Or you know, is this something bothering you like those kinds of questions just to open up the conversation really have been beneficial, at least with the oldest because he has so many emotions that I just was like, I didn't think a little kid can have that many emotions but it's really interesting once you begin to have those conversations what you end up finding out Yeah,

Lindsay Ford: 24:13

and those conversations go back to that connection piece that then you know prevents the behavior from happening in the first place. Because they feel more connected to you more seen heard all of those things? Yes,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 24:27

definitely. Definitely. Now Lindsey, you have shared so much wonderful goodness with me like I feel so good. Like I'm ready for a tantrum now. Lindsey, I'm ready. I'm just wondering before we sign off if there is any words of encouragement or motivational quote that you want to share with us real happy moms.

Lindsay Ford: 24:47

Yeah. I think just that parenting is about progress, not perfection, and you will never get it perfect. You are always figuring it out and you are capable of figure wring it out no matter what you are dealing with, you are capable of figuring it out. And you are just on this parenting journey. And it is not meant to be perfect. And that's okay. And you are doing great and fantastic as you are. Yes,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 25:17

yes. And yes to that. Lindsay, I have to say that all the time, especially to the moms that are listening, because I know you're a good mom, because you're listening to this podcast, because if you weren't, you'd be doing. Thank you so much, Lindsay, for coming on. And sharing all of this with us. This has been so so good. I'm just wondering, for the moms that are listening, who want to connect with you learn more about to hear more of what you've got. Where can we find you online? Yeah,

Lindsay Ford: 25:41

so my website and all of the socials are parenting with Lindsey. And I have a free webinar, how to get your kids to listen without yelling and repeating yourself over and over and over again,

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 25:54

can check that out. Absolutely. And I'll be sure to include all of those links in the show notes, especially that webinar. So definitely make sure you, you go ahead and grab that now. Lindsey, thank you so much for coming on and sharing all this with us. This has been so good. I truly, truly appreciate you.

Lindsay Ford: 26:10

I appreciate this discussion. Thank you so much for having me on.

Toni-Ann Mayembe: 26:14

Now, that does it for this episode of The Real happy mom podcast. To find the links in the show notes. Make sure you head over to Real happy mom.com/ 157 And there you'll find all the links that were mentioned in this episode. And also do me a favor. If you found this episode helpful. Leave me a five star rating and review on Apple podcasts. This does a lot of things. One, it lets me know that this has been helpful for you and two, it lets Apple podcast know that this is a awesome podcast for other moms to listen to. So they will begin to recommend it to other moms because I really want to make sure we get this message out so that more moms get the inspiration and encouragement that they need to get through through this journey called motherhood. Now that is all I've got for this episode. And stay tuned for next week for another full episode. All right. So obviously he then take care of and with lots of love