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Hey there! And welcome to another episode of the real happy Mom podcast, the weekly podcast for moms to get inspiration, encouragement and practical tips for this journey called motherhood. My name is Tony An, and you are listening to Episode number 75. Hey there. And welcome back to another episode of the row. Happy mom. Part cast. I am so glad that you are here to join me because today I am talking to Rachel and she is gonna be helping us out quite a bit when it comes to parenting during this stressful time. I think a lot of times as moms, we have this expectation that we have to be a good mom and we should be happy to be around our kids. And right now it's pretty stressful. And I get it Mama's, You're like, I just want to be left alone or I wanna have adult interactions and things like that. In this episode, I'm talking to Rachel all about parents ing and how to reduce the stress in the overwhelmed with moms who are either working from home during this time with the Corona virus or who are still working and are just overwhelmed and exhausted. But before we jump into this episode, it is time for my favorite part of the podcast. And that is the mommy wins. So let's check out this week's Mommy Win. Hey,
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my name is Julia, and I blush is on butterflies on Instagram. I have a beauty and lifestyle blogger. I also have a hair care business, and I'm an author. I have a self help
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book that I'm getting ready
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to publish and a 30 day self care book that is coming up real soon, and my recent win
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for the week is getting my kids on a steady bedtime schedule.
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I used to have such a hard time getting them to bed on time. They always wanted to play and never go inside. But now that I have a set routine for them, I have time after they goto bed to work on all of my
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businesses. Oh yes, I am always glad to hear a mommy win. Now, if you are listening and you would like to be featured in an upcoming mommy win, all you have to do is go over to Instagram and problem me at real happy Mom. Then you go over to the D M. Z. And then there's a microphone on the lower right hand side. You want to press and hold that microphone and tell me your name? Your I d handle what you do and how you are winning. Simple is that it could be anything big or small. All is welcome. So make sure you had over in do that. And I will see about getting you featured next time. Now that we have that all the way, it is time to jump into this week's episode. All right, so today I have a great guest that is gonna help us out quite a bit. And I am excited tohave Rachel on. So, Rachel, welcome to the podcast.
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Thank you for having me here. I'm excited to be here.
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Yes, me too. Now, Rachel, before we get into our top big, I wanted you to share a little bit about you in your business.
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Okay? So I am most importantly to me and we have a mom. I have two daughters who are seven and 10 years old. We live outside of Washington D C. In a suburb in Northern Virginia. In addition to being a mom I am. So my career at this point is helping parents and really providing practical tools specifically for parents who have tried a number of things may be the most bigoted behavior or handle their kids drama on dhe. They've tried a lot of things that it hasn't worked. So I'm trying. I really teach tool that lasts longer and really laugh. Threats Children's lives rather than just a short term. When I called Band Aid fixes, but it didn't actually start working with parents, I actually started in the field of clinical psychology. I was studying to be. I wanted to be a neuro psychologist, and at the time I was studying it in my eye, was a common PhD and eventually got pregnant. So I dropped out of that PhD program. But I used everything I learned about the brain and really also my time. I spent some time as a therapist and an 80 HD coach, so I used all my education and my backgrounds to now provide those practical tools for parents.
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That is awesome. And I didn't know that about you that
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you had
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some a lot of ambition there. I like it
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Yeah, absolutely. The brain has always interested me that the relationship between the brain and eager and the brain and how we feel. I mean, it's always interesting.
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Yes, definitely. Now, Rachel. Right now, we are in the mist of the crisis with the Corona virus. And many moms were starting to work from home during this time and are finding it pretty challenging with the kids around. So I want you to give us some tips on how we can support our kids when there is a lot of work that we still need to get done.
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Yes. So I'm gonna give you a I I love giving the practical tips, So I'm gonna give you a few practical tips right now. You don't have to do all of these, but the more of them you do pie that they impact, you're gonna see. The first thing that I have I recommend is that you actually have a set time sometime in the week. And it really can't be just once a week where your kids know that you were gonna be with them paying full attention to that. So in my family, we're both still working. And so we make weekends our time when our kids know we're going to be present. When kids know that's coming, they're less likely to be jumping on us. A lot of kids will jump on us because they don't know when they're gonna get our. So having a set time is the first thing that I highly recommend. The second thing that I recommend is letting them know ahead of time what you have to get done and when and coming up with them. Assuming that are about, you know, four years old, five years old and older and even for the young ones. You can still do this, but you're doing more of the talking. Oh, figure out let your kids know what when you're gonna be busy and what you're going to do if they come up to you when you're busy. So they kind of know ahead of time What the expectations are, so setting the expectations is really important. And then I suggest when you do have to get work done, having what I call and not now space a space where your kids know if you're in that space, that you can't just be like you can't just run up to you. And I'm not saying that that's gonna solve everything. Like just having, like, a door closed. Or, you know, being in a space is going to stop them that if you don't have that space, you're basically free, right? So you want to space where you tell that when I'm here? Just think before you come up to me and then when you go into that space, let them know again when you're going to be done. And I highly recommend saying when you're gonna be done based on their activities, so not like I'll be done it two o'clock. But all be done after you finish your snack and watch one show. So they kind of have in their minds when you're going to be that and the last time I have is also a really important one. This can make a big difference as well. When you do go to your not now space, make sure they're engaged in something before you leave. So don't just say go start your coloring book or go start your homework or ghost are because it's actually once they're engaged that they're gonna be stuck in what they're doing versus it's very hard for kids and teens to initiate. So if you help them with the initiation there, you're gonna get two more free time. So it's basically 11. Know ahead of time, what to expect. Set up a space and start them in something, and you're gonna be you're gonna have much more success.
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Yes, and I'm starting to see this now because I know with recording on podcasts, like, even when we got ready to record right now, my son was like Mommy, I thought we were gonna play. And I was like, Yeah, but Mommy has to go on record right now. And if I would have told him, you know, like when I think it would ruin a lot smoother cause now he's like, Okay, well, how long is it gonna take? And how many minutes, Mommy and I'm just,
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like, do leave me alone. I'm gonna be Oh, so I definitely see it. Yeah. If you started the morning saying Okay, I'm gonna be doing a protest at this time on while I'm doing this. This is what I want you to do and all be done when you're when you finished effectivity that would have tracked his brain. And he would have had a much easier time. And he would know when you're coming out.
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Yes, definitely. Because he knows. Okay, I have this time with Mommy, but, like, I was something before, I feel like now he sees me all the time. So he thinks Mom uses available all the time. And I'm like, No,
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no, no, no, no,
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Like, Mommy still has things to get done. So I just wanted to touch on that one a little bit because I have been struggling with Get him to understand, Leave Mommy alone,
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I'll be back. And you know, it's really hard. Particularly right now is that we are home. Or but because we're home or we're not paying as much attention to them because of their like around all the times we almost died eluded our attention. It's like they're getting more of it, but less of it at the same time. So it makes them want us more. So that's why I like planning that once a week where they know you were gonna be full on. And I think what's week is realistic for us. Hopefully even as working parents once a week. They're gonna get that time again. It'll make them crave it. Less reason they bother us so much because they just don't know when they're going to get it. And so they just want it all the time.
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I got it. Got it. No, that makes perfect sense. And then making sure that they're engaged before you leave. I learned that the hard way, because again, like when I get ready part, that's like, you know, it has to be quiet. Can be like lots of noise. So, yeah, I didn't give my son his crackers in his iPad before I left in. Yeah, I learned the hard way. So I like that one. That was a good reminder now, Rachel, for the moms that are actually still going toe work in who are listening to this episode or in the future. And they're just exhausted. After coming home from their 95. I want you to just share some tips. I'm reducing the exhaustion and the overwhelmed that we're feeling.
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I think one of the ways we could do this, obviously they're really two ways to reduce exhaustion and overwhelming one is to change the situation if you can like, you know, changes to your home. Earlier, it's entered Seta. Right now I find with the parents, and I worked with whether they're staying at home with their kids, whether working outside the home, they can always change their situation. So what I tend to do is when the situation isn't changeable, have the change, your mindset about it, change your expectations about it. So even just shifting your expectation from I am going to spend, you know, quality time with my child every day. That's not realistic. If you are working outside of the home, you have to get dinner on the table. You have to get your kids babies. You have to. It's just not realistic. So shifting your expectations to make them more realistic so that you feel less overwhelmed and then just let your kids know what to expect. You can again, using the concept of just having one time a week when you could be with them. You know what? We might not get that much time during the week, but I cannot wait for our time on the weekend when we could be together. So you're setting their expectation that they're not gonna get that much time from you. You're setting your expectation, and then you don't have to feel so overwhelmed. So I really think when we are overwhelmed, you have to change your situation or change how we view our situation and how we handle our situation. And really, that's the piece that I work with parents on when you can't change it. Let's change how we view it and expectations is one really good place to start. I have other ways to do it, but that's a really good place to start.
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And when you're talking about changing the situation like, let's just say for me, for instance, I'm coming home at like, six o'clock and then the kids have to be to bed by eight s o by changing the situation, your meaning like, you know, changing time. I get home or having the husband help out, like, what would you suggest for some ways to get started with changing the situation?
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That's exactly right, like what you suggested. So I do work with families on this as well. I Can you get home earlier? Can you tag teams? Can you and your spouse switch. Which days you come home early, you know? Are there logistical things that you can change? Can you speed up bedtime or bath time, make your routine a little bit shorter? So are their logistical pieces that you can change. And for many pans they'll fade. Yeah, let's let's figure out my schedule a little bit for some Harris listed. No, Rachel, there's just we've we've already optimized most we possibly can. We can't change our schedules. That's when we really work on the mind set
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character. And I'm beginning to see a lot of issues that we have just in general. It does come back to the whole mindset. So I'm just thinking about some of the things that you've already talked about as far as, like, minds that so you said definitely want to keep it realistic. But are there other things that we can do with Help him with this mindset?
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Yeah, I mean, keeping it expectations on ourselves are also are really important. Another thing that's super important parenting with mindset is to stop trying to control things that are out of your control. And I see this all the time. We try to control other people. We try to control traffic. We tried to control the future. I'm gonna try to control everything and that creates so much when I call Yuck. Yeah, because the word I use in parenting where basically any type of discomfort, Where were you, where were unhappy? And I, when we try to control other people is actually out of our control, so it creates a lot of discomfort. But there is something that is in our control 100% of the time, which is how we behave and how we think. And so that is really where I focussed parents. On what with the mindset. It's expectations. It's Are you focusing on what's in your control or you China, like, even with behavior? Because a lot of parents will come with me, come to me to help with kids behavior, and they'll say, Well, I can't make my kids clean how I make my kids cleaner. I don't get my kids to clean, and the truth is, you can't make another human being doing anything. What you can do is change your behavior to make it more likely that you will influence your kids. But that means focusing on your behavior and your reaction. You can't actually make other people do things. You can't make your scouts pick up their socks off the floor if you've been, you know, so that's another big cases. Are you focusing on what you can control? Andi? I have others if you want me to go more. But those are two big ones. Expectations. Control is a big one.
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Oh, yeah. You were talking ologists. So yeah. Rachel. Yeah. If you have a few more, definitely. Give it. So it's because yeah, I definitely see the expectations. One. I think our moms were just, like, too hard on ourselves anyways, and we think that we can do a lot more than we can. So, Yeah, that one is huge
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for us. Yes, Absolutely. And what I found two. I have said this a few times since on the corona virus. You? Nothing's changed, period. No one would deny that they exchanged on. What I find that most moms have done is instead of shifting their expectations when life shifted, they increased their expectations. Like it changed the increase in there. Like Okay, I'll do everything I was doing before with the laundry and making kid the dinners and making sure kids on screens too much. But now I'm gonna add in their education, and I'm gonna add in working from home and, like, we didn't shift our expectations. We just increased. Um, and then we wonder why everyone's miserable Besides all the other stuff going on? Yeah,
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Yeah, No, Definitely. Because I had almost a little mini breakdown on what was it on Friday? Because I'm usually off on Friday, so work out perfect. And, of course, my son. He started virtual school and my husband, he stays at home with the kids, and he was the one helping with virtual school. And he's like, Yeah, you know, I got everything taken care of. He's good to go, And I look, it was so much stuff he didn't get done. I was just like, Oh my God! So I literally spent Lake a majority of the day with him, like making sure he got all of his assignments that on top of, you know, doing the things that I need to do. So I totally see that one. But I get myself a little bit of grace because I was like it's no way I can do virtual school with him and then do finish the pod, casting things that I need to get done and clean the house. I was like Something's not getting done and the house was the thing that didn't get done. So I was just wondering if you could touch on that, like the moms are like, Oh my God, like I have all of this to do, Like how we bring it back down toe real life.
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Yes, here's the problem Is that as moms we have Mrs Tripp dads to probably. But I know this is true monsters. That's mostly I work with. We have trouble prioritizing. We we treat everything is absolutely equal and ever absolutely everything has to get done. And it has to get done well. And that is a recipe for disaster. If we're not prioritizing what the the things that have the tasks were trying to do everything and that leads to overwhelm. So one of things I teach a lot of parents is how do you prioritize, based on a few different things based on one of your values based on what are the things that absolutely must get done for the Children and the adults to stay alive like we have to prioritize. And that's one of the first places I start with. Parents who are overwhelmed is I Look at Are you prioritizing her? You assuming that everything is equal? And if you were trying to get it all done and all done it the same, let whole again, you're gonna feel overwhelmed. So I have, you know, I have little ways that parents can prioritize, depending on. I do a little country with them, depending on what's important to them and help them fire ties. And one of the things I'm really talking about during now when you're prioritising is create a later list. A later list can calm, are raining down because, as moms, we said, No, no, no. It has to all get time. Just create this list where it's gonna get done later. It will still get done. It just won't get done right this second, and that allows us to prioritize and not panic when we've moved a couple things off our list.
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So Rachel were trying to get everything done. I know that a lot of times how moms are able to get everything done is with the help of others, whether it be a housekeeper and nanny, someone getting groceries. But because of the Corona virus, we don't really have all that help. So well, that later list help with that or the other ways that we can work around that
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I think we need a list can help with that. Because if you say hey, like, let's say you have someone helping you clean the house, see, if someone comes in and doesn't the deep cleaning, you can say, You know what? During this Corona virus, I'm gonna do the surface cleaning and that deep cleaning can go on my later listed. When we have that hold back. That's when the deep cleaning is gonna happen. So maybe they're gonna be some dust bunnies around the house. Well, or maybe I do. This is an opportunity to to my kids how to dust, which maybe they don't know how to do because we've had cleaning people come in. So absolutely a later list can help you shift your expectations for cleaning for cooking for screen time. That's a huge one. So you know, a lot of parents are saying? Well, my kids are more screens more. That's fine. Put it on your later list that you are going to address the screen time later. Not now. Let them be on screens if they need to be on screens. In fact, one tip I'm giving for parents during the virus for screens is instead of saying your kids are only allowed on for two hours, say we're gonna make sure we have two hours off of screens and we have a really good two hours. And then don't worry about the rest of the time again, you put on the later left. Okay, well, you need to readdress the the expectations for screens when everything's back to normal. That's a later list item.
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Got it. That one. That was good. I like that. I'm gonna use that today. Now, Rachel, many times we hear that we should be in the moment when it comes to parenting. And this could be really hard, especially right now, with us working from home. And things have just completely changed for us. So I just wanted you to talk about your take on being in the moment. Parenting?
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Yes. So there are two types of ways I talk about in the moment in the moment as faras the present with your kids And then the other piece of in the moment I talked about is handling discipline in the moment. And I feel like those air two slightly different things being present with your kids. Very honestly, I am not a present person, so I struggle with this one, too. So what I do again, I go back to those expectations for myself, and I say to myself, Okay, Rachel, at least two or three times a day for 30 seconds or less, you were going to look up from what you're doing. And here's the strategy I used to be present with my kids is I call it, ask an extra question so two or three times a day. So for me, I have two kids to this, maybe five or six times a day for 30 seconds. So this adds up to about 2.5 minutes. I'm gonna look up from what I'm doing. Look at what my kids are doing it after the question about it. So maybe they're doing crafts, you know, I'll say, Hey, what made you decide to choose the color purple, they'll tell me and I'll listen. And then I promised myself I can to back out after that because I can't be present with. I love my kids to death. I cannot be present with them all the time. So I just work on little pieces and the strategy I used to be president because I just said, Rachel, they present. My mind wanders so I actually have a really anchoring strategy of aspirin. Extra question. So that sort of that in the moment, like, how do you be present? Is that the one you were looking for? Look, asking about
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Yes, Yes, that was it. Yeah, they're only reason why access? Because I feel like now it's this new level in expectation that we should be, you know, doing more with our kids because of the colonel virus. Like, Oh, you have more time to spend with your kids. So it's either. These are the two things I'm seeing. Either spend more time with your kids and family, or you need to, you know, go on 100 with your side hustle and business and get that, like, just boom it and I'm like, I don't want to do either. I just want interesting here and process what is happening right now. Eso I I'm totally with you on that being president in the
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moment. I would love for you in particular to give yourself permission to do that. Just say I give myself. In fact, this is something Burn a brown. Who's, Ah, love pretty Brad.
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Oh, yes, I love her, too.
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It's just a strategy that she actually suggests. Write down on a slip of paper what you give yourself permission to do, put it in your pocket and take it out every once in a while to give yourself permission to not necessarily spend more time to not necessarily work on your side. Hustle and just process, because here's what I will tell you is a parenting expert and a cz much of an expert. If someone can actually be, it's better for your kids to do what's the line with your values right now than to do what you're supposed to do based on with expert. When you know what everyone's telling you, that's the best thing you can do for your kids. Is a line your action with your values and what feels good. Because then the energy you're giving off is energy that makes kids feel safe. Whereas if you're just trying to do what you're supposed to do, the energy you give off to your kids is Oh, my gosh, you're not doing enough or not being enough. And they sense that, and it'll make it worse for them.
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Yes, I like that. I'm gonna use that one. I got my paper right now. All right, down. Good. I'm gonna give my information. Yes. Yes. Now, Rachel, you've given this a lot. And I am so grateful that I was able to talk to you because I really feel like this is gonna help, you know, change our minds in our perspective, in in May, you know a lot easier for us because I feel like it's been pretty hard for us, his parents, because we have the kids around more. And then, like I said with these high expectations for us, So thank you so much for, you know, helping us to see things a little bit clearer and give us permission and all that other good stuff. I really, really appreciate it.
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Thank you. I appreciate you having me here.
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No, Richard, before we sign up, I just wanted you to either give us a motivational quote or words of encouragement for us, bro. Happy moms.
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So I'm gonna if it's okay, I'm gonna read my favorite quote that I tell parents all the time. It's not long, but it's a few sentences. So if you would bear with me, this is what I read that that we were gonna do that I printed this out because I love it. I think it had relevance before the virus. I think it especially his relevance now. Eso Here's the quote by Ian Thomas and he says every day the world will drag you by the hand yelling. This is important and this is important. And this is important. You need to worry about this and this. And each day it is up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, no. This is what's important. That's my favorite parenting quote ever. I
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love it. Love it. Love it. I'm gonna have to get that one. Put it out. Now we do it. We want to connect with you. online or just learn more about to you. Where can we find you?
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So I was in the first place is I also have a podcast is called Your Parenting Long Game. It talks a lot about both discipline and a lot of the mindset stuff I've been talking about. My website is Rachel dash bailey dot com. There's some actual There's some free resource is on my Web site on I'm on Facebook and Instagram as Rachel Bailey parenting.
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Awesome. So I'll make sure to include all of that in the show. Notes. Rachel, thank you so much again. I really, really appreciate it. You have been amazing.
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Well, thank you for having here, actually. And we're talking to you, so I appreciate that
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Things. Wow. Now, after talking to Rachel, I felt so much better because I will be honest. I was not feeling like a great mom because I have been having a hard time adjusting with being around my kids more. Now, if you are feeling like I did, just know that you are not alone. And if you want to get more information or just get the links that Rachel mentioned, make sure you had over to real happy mom dot com Such 75. That's the number 75 and there you'll find everything that Rachel mentioned is, well, is a complete black post that you can reference back to. Now. Make sure you tune in next week where I'll be talking to a pediatrician who's going to give us some helpful advice on how we can talk to our kids about Corona virus. Now that's it for this week. I will catch you next time with lots of love.