Pride Shabbat! Ft. Daniel Kutcher and A Very Mishkan Auf Ruf

Today’s episode is a Shabbat Replay of our Pride Shabbat service on June 26th. We held an auf ruf for Team Mishkan’s own Michael Palmer and Jane Mintz. Then, we heard a special Pride guest drash from teen Daniel Kutcher and their parents (Matt Kutcher & Rebecca Richards). From all of us at Mishkan Chicago — happy Pride.

01:09 — Auf Ruf of Michael Palmer & Jane Mintz

09:35 — Lecha Dodi to Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen

14:58 — Lecha Dodi to Born This Way by Lady Gagaa

18:27 — Guest Drash by Daniel Kutcher, Matt Kutcher, and Rebecca Richards

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Produced by Mishkan Chicago. Music composed, produced, and performed by Kalman Strauss.

Transcript

Transcript

This guest sermon was delivered by the Richards-Kutcher family at our Pride Shabbat service on June 26th, 2026.

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MATT:  Shabbat Shalom. We are the Richards-Kutchers – I’m Matt, this is Becca, and these are our wonderful kids, Annabelle and Daniel.

We are here to talk a little about the parsha, and how it is relevant to our family and to this community especially on this Pride Shabbat. Daniel is nonbinary, and as a family we have been advocating for Daniel and for all trans kids during what has been a difficult year and half for so many of us, but especially for trans kids, who have been under attack, it seems, from all sides. 

Daniel shows up as their authentic self day after day. That's not easy in general and in particular when being your authentic self can be met with misunderstanding, disrespect and disdain. It's brave to continue saying “this is who I am, and I won't apologize for being my true self.” We are also so proud of Daniel for advocating for themself and for other nonbinary kids. And we were filled with awe during their BMitzvah in April, when they grappled with a very difficult piece of the Torah, asking why they were being forced to speak words full of hate and division seemingly aimed at them in order to become a Jewish adult. This week, the Torah has a far more hopeful message, but leaves us with a big question: what are we doing to use our voices to make a difference for the trans community?

DANIEL: Hi everyone.  I am Daniel.  At my BMitzvah, I was called to read the Torah portion called Emor, which included the rules for becoming a priest and specifically who could not. What I found troubling was that it was focused on people who were considered defective. The text goes on and on and on about everyone who had some deformity, blind or lame, limb too short or too long, broken leg, broken arm, hunchback, dwarf, growth in an eye, boil-scar, scurvy.  You get the picture: anyone who was not of the mainstream was denied the right to be a priest, no matter how religious they felt on the inside. 

This felt personal to me. People have looked down on me for being nonbinary and trans. They’ve used my wrong pronouns, laughed at my clothes and made assumptions about me, because of how I looked or dressed. These people think my trans identity makes me defective and broken. They would like to deny me privileges, just like the blind and the short and the bruised in the parsha. 

So why was I being forced to read this Torah portion in order to become a Jewish adult?  I guess the date of my mitzvah had something to do with it, but I think it is more than that. It gave me a chance to reimagine what the Torah meant: although people have used these texts about differences to justify treating people harshly, I think the imperfections that we should focus on are those that are internal – things like moral compass and character. What if when Moshe focused on a blemish or scar, he really meant not an outside trait, but an internal imperfection, like being mean or treating people badly? And even then, maybe we shouldn’t ban people forever from serving Adonai when they have an imperfection. I can’t believe God would want that at all.

MATT: We were so proud of Daniel for unpacking one of the most disturbing portions of the Torah, and for reading beneath and between the lines to find a positive message for them and for all of us.

And that brings us to this week’s parsha and the story of Balaam. Balaam was hired by a guy named Balak to curse the Israelites and strip them of their power. Balaam had a reputation; Balak says: "I know that he whom you bless is blessed and he whom you curse is cursed." Balak wants a weapon, and he has found a man he believes can forge one. He will use Balaam’s words to destroy the people he fears. Balaam told Balak that he would do his bidding but he could only do what God wanted. And to Balak’s surprise, every time Balaam opened his mouth to curse Israel, something else entirely came out: blessings, including one of the most important in the Jewish tradition, Mah tovu  "How goodly are your tents, O Jacob — your dwelling places, O Israel."

Wow, how different is that than the portion Daniel read at their Bmitzvah? Here, words that are meant to destroy, instead come out as blessings, and from that comes action – the Israelites are saved.

BECCA: We know for Daniel, like for all of us, words matter. The use of their proper pronouns is not just a preference, it is an acknowledgement of who they are, and it tells them they are seen and valued. And it hurts when they are misgendered. It’s humiliating and othering. 

As parents of a nonbinary kid, we have had to evolve, we have had to challenge an ingrained binary worldview to have a more expansive understanding of gender and to use the language that respects and affirms. Early on it was hard for us to transition to using they/them pronouns. We messed up, a lot. We found that it got easier over time and when we slip back into old ways, which happens sometimes, we apologize. We acknowledge that we made a mistake. And while you might think that it’s just a little nothing, it was awkward or grammatically incorrect so who can blame you? You’re forgetting that you’ve invalidated someone’s identity. You have told them that they don’t matter. Pronouns are little words, but they have heavy weight.

We’re Daniel’s parents so of course we’ve spent time listening and working to make them feel seen, safe and accepted. But the world they live in doesn’t begin and end with our little foursome. We have had to work with friends, family, and community to understand why it matters to get the pronouns right. This hasn’t been easy. We’ve had fights with family members who wouldn’t use their pronouns because it was hard to make the change or because the idea of being other than male/female was silly to them, “not a thing.” How can acknowledging someone’s identity not be “a thing”? We believe that people want to uplift, they want to offer blessings, that they love and support Daniel, but because the concepts are foreign, they don’t understand how using the wrong words diminish. And with patience and lots of conversations, we’re seeing changes in even the most stubborn family members.  

And while we’re united in our support of Daniel, being parents of a nonmainstream kid can be isolating. People don’t understand how everyday, mundane choices are all consuming for a nonbinary kid. Is there a bathroom for me? Where will I change if there is no all gender locker room? How othered will I feel when I stare at the Girls and Boys doors and have to pick because the adults don’t think it’s a big deal? Or what it’s like when you get a call from your kid who’s crying because a teacher keeps gender assuming and calling them by the name of the other nonbinary kid? And then you have to have numerous meetings at school, including one with the teacher and your kid, and the teacher doesn’t take accountability for their mistakes, refuses to apologize or even try to use the correct pronouns. You look at your child and remind them that even though the result was unsatisfying - there was no apology - you were brave, you stood up to a bully and we’ll keep doing that again and again.  

And honestly, while you know your friends and family feel for you, you can’t help wondering if anyone really understands the weight of these words and how these small infractions are death by 1000 cuts for your child.

But sometimes people do step in - they take on the curse and turn it into a blessing. Earlier this school year, when we were struggling to get an appropriate cabin for Daniel on a school trip, a mother of one of Daniel’s friends sent a quick text that read: “Don’t worry about the cabin form, I’ve already called the school and followed up with an email.” In that simple sentence, she was telling me: “I noticed there wasn’t an all gender option on the form. That’s not okay and you aren’t responsible for making sure there’s an option for Daniel and the other nonbinary kids. You’re not alone.”  What a blessing those words were to me, and I couldn’t have been more grateful. 

And this is where we turn to you, our community, and pose some questions: what are we doing, every day, to make sure our trans kids feel seen and accepted?  And even beyond that, what are we doing to make sure what comes out of our mouths are blessings, that we raise up others with the words we use?

DANIEL: Here’s what I am doing.  My mitzvah project is aimed at helping people not look at trans kids as defective. I created a curriculum for students to teach staff in schools about how to create welcoming spaces for trans kids in their classrooms. I do this by using my own story of how I’ve been treated at school since I came out in the second grade. In my materials, I explore things such as gender identity, pronouns, dead names, inclusive language, and how to approach other things like changing for P.E. class, bathrooms and school trips. So far, I’ve presented this to faculty and staff here at Parker, and I am creating a template for other kids to use to present these materials in their schools.  My hope is that my mitzvah project will spark change in schools, and create safer environments for trans kids by encouraging understanding and providing practical tips to help.

My mitzvah project is important to me because I think my Torah portion got it wrong.  No one is inherently defective in the eyes of God, and I believe that as a community we should focus on seeing the perfect in people, not the imperfect. It is our job to change the narrative, and that starts with the language we use, the support we give, the blessings we bestow each and every day by using the right pronouns and continuing to advocate for trans kids like me.

MATT:  So we hope for this community that, like God in these parshas, we continue to hold language sacred — refusing to weaponize it against the vulnerable, calling out leaders who do, and insisting on speaking the words of blessing that are always trying to find their way through.

Shabbat Shalom.