Turning Setbacks into Stepping Stones: How to See Failures as Growth Opportunities EP#116

In today’s episode, I’m diving into how we can turn setbacks into stepping stones. Instead of seeing failure as something that happens to us, what if we could see it as something happening for us—a way to help us learn and grow? I share a personal story about some of the setbacks I faced early on in my military career and the lessons I learned that still help me today.

I’ll walk you through a five-step process to help you reframe your own setbacks, moving from feeling defeated to feeling empowered. Whether you're facing a current challenge or reflecting on past ones, this episode is packed with actionable steps to help you gain momentum, rethink the stories you tell yourself, and ensure you have the right support system to keep moving forward.

In this episode, I cover:

• Shifting from “Why is this happening to me?” to “How is this happening for me?”
• My journey through setbacks in the military and what those experiences taught me
• A five-step system for transforming failures into opportunities for growth
• Why celebrating small wins is essential to building resilience
• How to assess your support system to make sure it’s working for you right now

Listener Challenge: This week, try applying my five-step system to a current or past setback. Notice how it shifts your perspective, and ask yourself where you could have supported yourself differently, sought help sooner, or taken a new approach.

Quote of the Episode:
“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.” – Confucius

Transcript

Hey Happy People, welcome back.  Today I’m talking about one of the toughest things we all face: failure. But what if we could take those setbacks and actually use them to get stronger? I’m going to walk you through a five-step process that helps us turn failure into a launchpad for growth.

I want you to think about this: When you face a setback, do you tend to feel like a victim of your circumstances? Do you have systems in place to help you bounce back? And are you celebrating even the small steps that move you forward? By the end of this episode, you’ll have tools to answer these questions and start seeing setbacks as stepping stones.

Let’s dive in!"

Have you ever heard the saying, “This is happening for me, not to me”? It’s a perspective shift that moves us from feeling like life is happening to us, to seeing it as happening for us—giving us opportunities to learn, grow, and transform. When we face a setback, rather than feeling victimized, we can ask, “If this is happening for me, what am I supposed to learn here?”

I recently did a podcast interview and I was telling the story about joining the military at 17 to become a pilot.  I was accepted and started at military college but didn’t get sent to air crew selection until winter break, in second semester of my first year of college.  I was already through recruit camp and in my second semester when I epically failed in air crew selection.  There was no doubt that this young girl from small town Saskatchewan was not destined to be a pilot.

The interviewer asked me, was this your first big failure and how did you deal with it.

Well, no, it wasn’t my first big failure.  In first semester I failed my physics midterm.  Even by that point I had already decided I wanted to be at military college in the military, so failure was not really an option for me.  My chain of command found a tutor for me and by the time my final came around I nailed it.  

If I took the victim stance, it wasn’t my fault that this was happening to me.  The way my small town did sciences was that you did grade 11 and 12 Chemistry in one year, and 11 and 12 Physics the next.  Given that I left home a year early to join military college in Quebec, I didn’t do any physics before heading off to military college.  So I could have just taken the stance of “its not my fault.”  And sulked.

This is my first recollection of a major failure in my life.  I’m sure its not the first…but it’s the first really big one that I remember.  And then the epic failure to pass the testing for pilot was the second…  

When I look back, I see the support that was around me to get me to the next step.  I didn’t wallow in self pity…well maybe I did for a bit…but you know that was years ago, so I don’t remember how long I sulked, but when I look back, what I remember is that I had people around me to mentor and help me through the tough situation.  Even if I was stuck in self pity, the military system took care to move me through to the next step, the next decision.  I’m sure if I’d really wanted to I could have sat in self pity for a long time and given up..l But the 17 year old version of myself knew that I wanted to be in the military.  I really wanted to be at military college.  And I wasn’t going to let either of these failures keep me from what I wanted.  So I took the help I was offered, I pulled my socks up and I got it done.

Do you look back at failures as learning opportunities?  Let’s change that today.  Here is a five step system to ensure you are not getting stuck or held up by failures…but using them as launching points for growth!

1.       Okay first off…when we fail, screw up or miss step…we are allowed to feel bummed out, discouraged and defeated.  The question is, is how long are you going to stay there?    Ask yourself, what am I actually feeling?  Naming what you are feeling is a big deal.  Because you may be angry as your first response…but then when you look deeper it could be shame, frustration, abandonment…what is it.  It is easier to help yourself through it if you dig down and focus on what you are really feeling.  So many of us stop at mad, sad, angry…we don’t actually figure out what we are feeling.  Next

2.       (Analyze it )What story are you telling your self about failures or miss steps?  Are you blaming others?  Are you criticizing and judging yourself?  Step back and take a look at the situation and look at the story you are telling yourself?  Is it true?  Are you a victim?  Did this happen to you or for you?  Can you see if you reframe it as happening for you…you are in the driver’s seat and can choose what to do next?  If you want to play the victim, you will be there for a long time.  One of the quotes I love the most is by Pema Chodron: Pema Chaudron the other day that speaks to this:

“nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”   

So don’t gloss over this experience.  Learn from it, take all the lessons you can form it so you don’t have to live it again.  Keep asking yourself, what else can I learn from this?  What else can I try differently next time.  What else wants to be known here?

3.       (Check in) Okay so now we realize that this is happening for us…we now ask ourselves, what do I need to help me through this right now?  What can I do?  Whats one small step I can take to pull me through this obstacle I’ve hit?  Do I need to go for a workout and clear my mind?  Maybe you are walk in the woods person, or a bike ride, or one of your creative endeavours.  Sometimes we are so frustrated that we can’t come up with any ideas to get ourselves out of this.  This is a great time to do a workout or one of your recharge activities!

4.       (Create a small win)Remember, you are looking at it as an opportunity to learn and grow.  So even a small step in the right direction will change the energy.  It will get you out of the victim mentality and get you to realize that you can do something for yourself.

That first step is the hardest and creates the momentum you need to learn and move on from this experience.  

a.       Is this where we need to ask for help?  I know for me I’ve hired coaches/advisors at different struggle sin my life.  I mean, ofcourse our first coaches were probably for school sports or as you saw in my university example, academic tutor.  But once we are out of the academic system, we usually have to seek out our own coaches.  Currently I have a business coach.  Previously I’ve hired a coach for nutrition, and one for investing.  Sometimes the thing that is holding us back from moving on is we are just so overwhelmed with choices we don’t’ know where to start.  Or we don’t have the time to figure out the next step so we hire an expert to get us to our goal more efficiently.  

b.       At this point, you you’ve decided you are not a victim, so your next step is moving towards your goal…do whatever you need to do to get to a mindset that you can figure out what your next small step is…no matter how small that step is just get moving in the right direction.  

c.       Don’t gloss over your failure…there is a lot ot be learne3d from it…but don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis either.  We learn in doing, so take time to figure out what happened and how you can help yourself move on from it and move in the right direction.

5.       (Celebrate it)Learn to celebrate even the small steps towards your come back.  Don’t think that just because you aren’t mentally over a disappointment that you can’t celebrate the fact that you did something.  Just get moving in the right direction and celebrate it.  Wins build momentum and confidence…but you gotta start towards something to get that positive momentum going.

I want you to ask yourself what systems you have in place to help yourself through the struggle?  

And if you do have systems and people, are they the right ones?  Sometimes we think we have support systems but they are outdated.  

The things we used to do to help us through tough times don’t actually suit anymore.  

Just because something worked for you in the past doesn’t mean it will always work for you.

Its important in life to pay attention and to take time for reflection.  Does this still serve me?  Do I need to come up with a different plan?  Do I need to get different help.

When we don’t take the time to analyze what we need to support ourselves, we usually end up wasting a lot of time going in the wrong direction.  Why are we so afraid to ask for help?  

As adults there is rarely an upper classman or supervisor who is going to take us by the hand and walk us through this process.  We need to learn to walk ourselves through this process.  You life will change drastically when you don’t let yourself get stuck on failure.  If you aren’t failing you aren’t learning and you aren’t trying.  

I am so glad I learned this lesson at a young age.  I know in our home we are actively trying to help our teenager see that failure is a part of life.  Not something to be ashamed of but as something to be learned from.  If you let fear of failure hold you back you won’t get anywhere near as many celebration in life as you should.  Learn from the failures so you can continue on and celebrate all the small wins to your next level.

This process has helped me time and time again, and I hope it will help you too. So, take a moment to ask yourself: Do I have systems in place to help me through struggles? Are they still working, or do I need to adjust? Often, support systems need to evolve as we do.

Remember, the people who go furthest are the ones who aren’t afraid to fail. In our family, we actively teach our teenager that failure is a part of life, something to learn from, not to avoid. Because if you let the fear of failure hold you back, you’ll miss out on countless celebrations in life. Embrace the lessons from your failures so you can move forward, celebrate the small wins, and keep leveling up.

Your challenge this week is to apply this five-step process to a recent setback or a past struggle. Reflect on each step, and ask yourself: Could I have supported myself better? Asked for help sooner? Taken a different approach? By looking back, you’ll get even more out of the experience.

And I’ll leave you with today’s quote from Confucius: “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”