Gratitude, Spoons, and The Gap: Why Happiness Takes Practice EP#120

December at The Happier You community is all about gratitude! It’s one of the first happiness tools I implemented, and it’s simple, free, and life-changing. In this episode, I’m sharing a heartfelt story from Benjamin Hardy’s book The Gap and The Gain that hit me right where I live. It’s about focusing on what’s missing instead of appreciating what’s already there—and how gratitude can shift that perspective.

I also introduce you to a powerful tool called mental subtraction—a research-backed technique to deepen your gratitude and boost your happiness. Plus, I open up about my own struggles with staying in “The Gain” and how I’m learning to embrace gratitude even when life doesn’t go as planned.

If you’re ready to feel more joyful, even during life’s challenges, this episode is for you.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• The difference between living in “The Gap” vs. “The Gain”
• How gratitude strengthens your “happiness muscle”
• A simple mental subtraction exercise to boost gratitude and happiness
• Why practicing gratitude doesn’t mean settling for less or accepting unfairness
• How to appreciate the good in your life—even the smallest blessings

Today's Quote:
"I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude." — Brené Brown

Resources Mentioned:

• The Gap and The Gain by Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan
• The Mental Subtraction Exercise (science-backed gratitude technique)

Your Challenge for the Week:
Take the mental subtraction challenge: Think of one thing in your life that you take for granted and imagine life without it. Notice how this shifts your perspective and helps you appreciate the blessings you already have.

Join the Conversation:

• How do you practice gratitude in your life?
• Have you ever noticed yourself getting stuck in “The Gap”?

Share your thoughts and takeaways with me over on Facebook.

Subscribe & Review:
If you’re enjoying The Happier You podcast, please subscribe and leave a review! Your support helps us reach more people and spread happiness even further.

Stay Connected:

• Join the Happier You Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thehappieryou
• Sign up for my free December Gratitude Challenge: https://thehappieryounet.kit.com/gratitude30

Transcript

December is all about gratitude here at The Happier You community. Why? Because it’s one of the first happiness tools I ever implemented, and it’s simple, free, and profoundly impactful.

Let’s be honest—December isn’t the easiest time of year for everyone. It’s busy, stressful, and can bring up tough emotions. That’s why I focus on finding the good in what we already have, helping us experience more joy even during challenging times.

I talk about gratitude a lot, but today, I’m sharing tools to boost your gratitude practice—and, in turn, your happiness muscle! Gratitude and happiness are like any muscle: if you don’t use them, they weaken. But when you build and strengthen them, you create more joy and discover happiness more easily.

I was recently rereading The Gap and The Gain by Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan—a must-read if you haven’t already. It’s a guide to taking control of how you feel, calling out how we often let life happen to us, focusing on what’s going wrong instead of the abundance already in our lives. Today, I’m sharing a story from Benjamin Hardy that perfectly illustrates the power of gratitude.

The Spoon Story

Ben and his wife have a bunch of kids, but today's story is about their twin girls.
One day, Zorah was playing with six rubber kitchen spoons when through the course of playing with them, Phoebe ended up with one. Zorah, despite holding five spoons, was inconsolable. All she could see was the one spoon she didn’t have, rather than the five in her hands.

Ben explains that after being handed the 6 spoons she believed she deserved those 6 spoons.  And when one was taken away, it violated her status and her sense of fairness.  She became emotionally reactive and irrational, failing to appreciate that she had 5 spoons.  The way he explained it was that she was emotionally worse off with five spoons than when she had none.

Now I get that we are talking about 2 year olds here.  And I don’t know about you…but I can definitely relation to getting irrational and feeling slighted sometimes.  When I focus on what I’ve lost instead of what I actually have.

She was stuck in what the authors call The Gap—focusing on what’s missing instead of what she already had.

Sound familiar? We all experience moments like Zorah’s. We get stuck on what we’ve lost, what we lack, or what we think we deserve, instead of appreciating what we have.

The antidote? Gratitude.

Gratitude shifts your focus to The Gain—recognizing and appreciating what’s already good in your life. Being in The Gain doesn’t mean you accept unfairness or ignore problems. It means you acknowledge the good and avoid spiraling into negativity when things don’t go as expected.

The authors explain that gratitude is the antidote to The Gap. Gratitude helps you shift your focus to The Gain—recognizing and appreciating what you already have instead of what you feel is missing.

They’re also clear that being in The Gain doesn’t mean you accept unfairness or settle for less than you deserve. It simply means you acknowledge your wins, big or small, and avoid getting stuck in that reactive, negative space.

That really resonates with me because I’ve been there so many times—feeling like things should have gone differently or I should have done better. And while I’m getting better at pulling myself out of that mindset, it still takes work.

Luckily, I have an amazing support system. My family is on this happiness journey with me, and they’re quick to call me out when I’m stuck in The Gap. I also have friends who remind me to focus on my gains instead of my losses. And while I try to do this work on my own, I know I’m not perfect. Having people around me who shine a light on my blind spots is invaluable.

One of my favorite takeaways from The Gap and The Gain is the concept of mental subtraction. It’s a science-backed technique for increasing gratitude by imagining the absence of something good in your life.

• Think your house should be bigger? Imagine losing it entirely.
• Wishing for a promotion? Picture yourself out of a job.

Research shows that imagining the absence of positive events can be even more impactful than simply reflecting on those events. It deepens your appreciation and highlights how blessed you are.

You can also apply this to your accomplishments. Instead of focusing on what you didn’t achieve, imagine if your greatest successes never happened. It’s a simple mindset shift that moves you from The Gap to The Gain, helping you celebrate how far you’ve come.

Even something as basic as your health can be reframed. We often take mobility and wellness for granted until we face a health scare. Mental subtraction helps you see the beauty in even the smallest blessings.

Your Challenge:

Today, I challenge you to try mental subtraction. Think of something you may take for granted—your health, your family, your job—and imagine life without it. Notice how it changes your perspective.

I’ll leave you with this quote from Brené Brown:
"I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude."

Let’s embrace gratitude for the little things in life.

And remember, when you have a choice, choose happiness. Go get your happy on!