Happiness Isn’t Always Easy: A Real Talk About Struggles, Joy, and Resilience EP#121

In this heartfelt episode of The Happier You podcast, I sit down with Patricia Van Der Laan, my happiness mentor of over four years. Patricia has been a guiding light in my own happiness journey, and this year, she has faced incredible challenges with resilience, grit, and grace that continue to inspire me.

Together, we discuss the real, messy truth about happiness—how it’s not always easy, and why it’s okay to acknowledge the struggles along the way. Patricia shares her insights into navigating life’s curveballs while holding onto joy and purpose. She reminds us that resilience isn’t about avoiding difficulty; it’s about showing up for ourselves and finding the strength to keep moving forward.

Patricia's Wisdom:
"I choose Joy.  Every single day, I choose joy."

Mentioned in this episode:

• The mindset shift that keeps Patricia moving forward through tough times.
• How to embrace happiness as a lifelong practice, not a destination.
• Tips for building resilience during life’s biggest challenges.

This is a must-listen for anyone who needs a reminder that happiness isn’t just for when life is easy, its a choice you make even when life gets hard.

Tune in to learn:

• Why struggles and joy are interconnected in the journey to resilience.
• Simple ways to cultivate happiness even in the face of life’s challenges.
• How mentorship and connection can make a profound impact on your happiness journey.

Listen now and discover how you can find joy and resilience, even when happiness feels hard.

Transcript

Bona: [00:00:00] Welcome to the happier you podcast. I'm your host, Bonna Normandeau. The happier you is about encouraging each of us to connect with our unique self and figure out what our personal happiness looks like and build more of it into our daily lives. It's not what others think are happy should look like.

It's about figuring out what really fills up our cup and brings us joy. Each episode is about exposing you to new ideas, perspectives, and tools to help you build more happy moments in your day to day life. Join me and start living your best life. Hey, happy people. Welcome back today. I am excited to welcome back my friend, Patricia Vanderland.

Patricia actually joined us way back in season one, thanks to a mutual friend who insisted that we connect. At the time, I was deep into my journey of learning to love myself. And my friend knew Patricia had already mastered that path. So she connected us so [00:01:00] that Patricia could share her wisdom with me and also you.

Now in that first episode, Patricia shared a powerful message and she told us You gotta make your soul sing every damn day. That advice honestly stuck with me and, and actually that was the start of a beautiful friendship that we've maintained over these past four and a half years. But I can honestly say that I have learned how to make my soul sing every day.

But I can not claim that I've made it happen every single day. Because life has a way of sneaking up on you sometimes. I do know how to do it, and I make it happen more often than not. So I've invited Patricia back today to catch up and hear how she's been, especially because I know she's had a year full of challenges.

So Patricia, welcome back. Thank you for joining me. It's so fun to have you back here again. 

Patricia Van Der Laan: I am just thrilled to be back here and talking with you. I just, [00:02:00] you know, uh, as you said, it's been an interesting year and I'm just really happy to be back here and be able to have this opportunity to talk through things with you.

Bona: And I know we've actually been chatting about doing this for a while and life happened, but I think everything happens for a reason. One of the things that you and I were talking about a while ago is People have a misconception that happy people are happy all the time. And it's easy for us to, to maintain happy.

It's not, uh, we still have struggles and challenges and, and question things. And you are one of the most positive people that I know. So I would love to talk about this. Um, and if you can share with us sort of how you dealt with it and how you worked through it. 

Patricia Van Der Laan: Yeah, you know, and it's an interesting thing because I think everybody I encountered this year too was very much like, wow, you're really one of the most positive people I've ever met.

And I'm like, yeah, but things happen. It's just that that's, you know, That's who I am. And I think a few [00:03:00] times I said, you just can't beat the positivity out of me. That's, I was born with it. Um, but I also choose to maintain it. Um, last year in November, I went in for a routine mammogram and, and then I needed to, um, get some additional pictures.

Um, not knowing that when I went in for the mammogram in February, they were going to do a biopsy. And, uh, right after the biopsy, we found out that I had breast cancer. And so I was Quite a shock for me to find out that I had breast cancer. The next, um, couple of weeks were very stressful because the medical system working with me was not aligned.

So I would try to call, you know, the clinic where I, so I knew I had cancer before my doctor knew I had cancer and it took them three weeks to get the results. So I would call people to find out what the next step was. And, uh, you know, I was just being kind of circled around everywhere. Well, I was still working at the time and it was, I just, I didn't know what to do.

I was going out of my mind. Um, and so finally I chose to [00:04:00] go off work on leave at that point so that I could deal with this. And, you know, talk to the doctor, try to get into what needed to happen because, um, I didn't know enough about my cancer to even know how bad it was, you know, or anything like that.

So that was the first thing I did because obviously I needed to make sure that I could prioritize my health and knowing that I was going to need surgery, I wanted to make sure that my mental space was good going into surgery. So, yeah, it was quite a shock for me that that happened because I've been doing so much in general to try to take care of my health, as you know, and so something like that, I mean, for everybody, I think, when you get a diagnosis like cancer.

So, although I did quickly find out it was not something that was going to kill me, I was not in any danger of dying. I'm not dying from it, but it's still a shock nonetheless. And I think anybody that gets a diagnosis of cancer, it, um, however it happens and whatever you go through your surgery, your treatments, you start to realize, and you start to have a different perspective, and you start to reprioritize and you start to look at things [00:05:00] differently.

And then you go, well, am I doing what I wanted to do? Um, you know, am I prioritizing things in my life properly? You know, what if, what if this had been a six month life sentence, or a two year, or a five year, would I change anything in my life? Um, so yeah, that was, that was sort of the start of it. 

Bona: Well, and also, um, we have gotten to know each other over the years, and you're very focused on your health.

So you eat healthy, you make wise decisions, uh, your body tells you when it doesn't like something that you're doing, right? Did you find that it felt like you're not as invincible as you seem? Yeah, 

Patricia Van Der Laan: it was like, Oh, so I could wake up any day and, and something could, I mean, it's, it's interesting. Cause now I'll say to people is that, you know, I, I'm like, I want to make this decision and do this thing because I need to make a different choice.

And they're like, well, that's kind of, it might be a bit radical. And I'm like, not to be [00:06:00] morbid, but you know, you could be in a car accident tomorrow or like the CEO in New York, you could just walk out and get shot, or you could, you know, go to the doctor with a cough and find out you're going to die in six months.

And again, it's not to be morbid, but it's like, these things happen every day. We're all planning for long retirements and things. Cause we're worried. We're not going to have any money. And that's true. That could happen. But we also, uh, might never live that long and so, so many people are sacrificing joy and happiness and even just a content or happy life right now, doing things that, that like, you know, they're living mediocre lives.

They're in jobs that they're not enjoying. They're, they don't have any hobbies. They're stressed out. They're almost burnt out. And it's like, are you even, Are you enjoying what you're doing? Is this what you want to be doing if you know that you're gonna die in six months? And so that got me really thinking and the other thing that kind of really stressed me out was I'm like But I feel perfectly healthy now I have to go through surgery and all these treatments and that didn't make me feel healthy at the end of [00:07:00] it I felt so much worse for so long going through that now I feel so much better But I was like, but I'm not But I feel healthy.

How can you tell me that I have cancer? I feel totally healthy. And that really threw me off too, right? So, cause normally when I hear people that have gotten cancer, they've been sick for a while. Then they go in, get tested, find out that they've cancer. So that kind of threw me off too. 

Bona: Yeah. Yours came at you out of nowhere.

Patricia Van Der Laan: Um, You know, routine and I keep telling everyone very, you know, that's again why I knew there was no danger because it was very early diagnosis from routine mammograms. So, 

Bona: yeah. 

Patricia Van Der Laan: Yeah. 

Bona: Okay. So, uh, you went through surgery. You had some treatments. I remember you saying you were exhausted going through all of this.

And I just want to point out, um, you know, because we're talking about people think happy is easy for, you know, happy people, um, that you are also single. So you were navigating this on your own. I know you have [00:08:00] amazing friends and you've created a support structure, but ultimately, you know, when you went home at night or when you got this diagnosis, there was nobody sitting next to you.

So to me, that also feels like a huge burden to navigate on your own. Um, 

Patricia Van Der Laan: yes, and I found initially, um, I told friends, like close friends and some family, I found I couldn't tell everyone because, um, when you tell people something like cancer, everyone has their own story. preconceived and perceptions based on their own lived experience with family and friends.

And so I was dealing with my own mental stress of what I needed to go through, not having gone through it myself and not knowing enough of what was happening, dealing with the medical system. And so I would say, and I'll just use you as an example, but I would say, Bonna, this is what I'm going through.

And you might've had What a terrible experience because of your family. And so now I'm listening to your [00:09:00] experience and your perception and so that's being projected on me. So now I'm also, you know, trying to be empathetic to you and sympathize with you and give you comfort while I'm dealing with my own experience.

Right. And I say that only because I think people don't realize they're doing that. Like maybe the best thing you can just do is how can I help you and give you empathy as opposed to people don't realize they're constantly projecting their own experiences so much. So it was really mentally exhausting going, Oh yes, you know, I, you know, Oh yeah, my uncle went through that.

Oh yeah, my sister went through that. Oh yeah, whatever went through this and this is what they did, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, I, I really, I told you so that you would know, but I need to not deal with your. Um, and so that was really, that was really hard. So eventually I was like, okay, I can't tell any more people because I can't, I can't mentally deal with that load anymore.

Bona: Yeah. 

Patricia Van Der Laan: And then, but I did have some people that took me to appointments. It was amazing. My sister stayed with me the first week after [00:10:00] surgery, which was amazing. Um, I think one of the things, um, you know, being on your own is I didn't have someone that could help schedule No drop offs or things. So many people wanted to do things and I think that's amazing.

And I realized after, and this is not a judging or a, any kind of thing towards anyone is that the one thing after the surgery and the radiation, everything was crushing fatigue, like bone crushing fatigue in such a way that just to get up in the morning and even think about getting out of bed would give me a headache.

I was so exhausted. dead. And so people were, were, you know, texting me and they wanted to come over and let me know when I could help. I didn't have the energy to even respond to that. Right. So it would have been lovely if people just, you know, could have like, if, if you know someone that's going through that, show up, do the dispose.

you know, do some house cleaning, bring some food, whatever. I would have been happy if people just came and sat with me. I didn't have the energy to [00:11:00] try to organize that myself because my, my side effect was just the bone crushing fatigue. If I didn't have the fatigue, I would have been able to deal with it, but I didn't, not having someone here to help with that.

And I was fine because I was so tired. I couldn't deal with anybody anyway. So all I did was sleep. Wow. Yeah. 

Bona: So we're now the end of 2025 when we're doing this interview and you've now since gone back to work. Yes. So how did you, how did you navigate your Joy and happiness and mental state through this journey.

Like you said, you, you had to stop telling people. And I, I think that's amazing self awareness to say, you know what, it's more exhausting to tell people than to just, than to just deal with my situation. This is how I'm going to sort of protect my energy. What other coping mechanisms did you use to, to help you through this?

Patricia Van Der Laan: Um, one of the other things, [00:12:00] um, and you and I've talked about this, is that, um, some days I would wake up and I'd have a bad day, like, so, so once the, you know, in different stages, so after surgery, before treatment, some of the fatigue started getting better. And then as that was happening, as the fatigue got better, um, I might have a bad day.

So, I might wake up and go. Oh, I'm feeling off today. I'm feeling down, things like that. So, so people know positive, happy people have bad days. 

Bona: Right. 

Patricia Van Der Laan: I don't, um, I don't allow it to overtake me and go, Oh my God, now I'm going to have bad days for the next week or two weeks or anything like that. I've come over, over time and experience, I realized, you know what?

This is just going to be a day. It's like when you get a cold or a flu or something, You're not going to have the cold for like six months. You're going to have a cold for a couple of days, maybe, maybe, maybe a little. But you know, something like that happens. You're, it's just going to be a very short period of time.

So it's like when you're in that, when [00:13:00] you sort of wake up and you're like, Oh, I really, really off today. It's like, okay, you know what? I'm going to allow myself to have this. This rough day, this bad day. And it's going to just go, it'll just fade away. I'm, but I'm not going to focus on it. I'm not going to give it the attention.

I'm not going to go, Oh my God, what's wrong with me? Why am I in this bad mood? Oh my God. And just dwell in it. I just kind of like, Oh, okay. So I'm in a mood. So I make myself a cup of tea. I put on a, a sad movie or a violent mood, like whatever kind of fits the mood. Or, or I'll pick up a book and read a book.

Um, it calls someone if I feel like I need to call someone, but I don't call someone and then talk about the mood. Cause I feel like that just keeps the mood going. I just sort of go, Oh, okay. So I've, I've got something going on and I just, it's, it's a day. And then typically by the end of the day, it's gone.

And, but I, I know it's going to be gone. I know it's just a day. It's, it's just emotions. It's just a day. The emotions come and go, but I know at the end of the day, I'm a positive person and that's what I choose to be. And [00:14:00] so. It's just going to come back. 

Bona: That's so interesting to me because I think you and I chatted on one of those days and that's where we started having this conversation about, yeah, like there are days that are just, they're not shiny and happy and it is what it is.

And what I love about, you know, how you describe it, it's like you don't hold onto it. You just, it is, you, you name it, you call it out and you're like, okay, this is where I'm at. Uh, I'm not going to stay here, but I'm going to ride it out while it's here. Does that make sense? It's like. Exactly. I'm going to write it out.

Yeah. See, cause I ruminate over it. Yeah. Why, you know, like, Oh my gosh, well, how do I get here? That kind of thing. So I love talking to you because you, you look at things so rationally and objectively that you're like, it is what it is. Like, you know, don't, don't hold onto it. Don't push it away. 

Patricia Van Der Laan: If you hold onto it, it wants to stay with you and it's harder to get out of that space.

So if you just, it's almost like [00:15:00] building a relationship with it, right? It's almost like, Oh, I see you. I see you here. I see that you want to spend some time with me. So I'm going to sit you beside me on the couch and you and I are going to have, you know, we're going to have a day. We're going to have a tea together.

We're going to watch a movie. You're going to have your space with me. You just need some quality time. I get that. And then you're going to go on your way like a friend. 

Bona: And you're not afraid of it. I think that's what, um, I think that's what's so powerful. It reminds me of some of the mindfulness stuff that, uh, that I've been learning about is, yeah, like, just don't give it power.

This is so encouraging hearing you talk about this because I think, like you mentioned earlier, when you get that cancer diagnosis, it's scary. It is very scary. And Now you're on the other side of it, uh, and you look back, has it changed your perspective on anything? Like you said, you know, because it was caught early, you knew it wasn't life ending, but [00:16:00] I would still think that changed a few things.

Patricia Van Der Laan: It did, it, it changed, it changed a lot of things, so if, if, uh, I'm going to move on to what's happened in the rest of the year for me, which is, um, after I went back to work, um, after having, uh, my treatment and everything, and it was a, a gradual return to work, um, because I still had the fatigue and we were working through that, and then, um, Back to work, there were some changes in my organization and, um, through mutual agreement, um, with my, my work, we've decided that I'm not going to have a job at the end of the year.

So now I'm going to be unemployed at the end of the year. So in the universe's infinite wisdom, I'm have cancer and no job in the same year, which, you know, if you look at that, that's a pretty big smack on the side of the head to go, you need to make some big changes. But I also think that Part of my perspective was I came back and I was like, when we were making the, [00:17:00] where there was the discussions, I was like, I don't know.

know that I resonate with this job anymore. I don't know that I resonate with the work that I'm doing, or I resonate with, with the position that I'm in and what's happening. Um, and so when the opportunity came up, it was very easy for me to make the decision. I think it might've been harder for other people, but also with that, I'm looking ahead going, I don't know if this is the kind of role I still want to do.

And Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I think I need to take time off to go, what is it that I want to do? Like, again, back to not being morbid, but what if, what if I only have a couple of years left? What do I want to be doing in the next couple of years? What kind of joy do I want to have? I want to make sure that there's joy in my life.

Ideally, every day again, make sure my soul is singing every day. But am I finding joy? What are the things that bring me joy? Spending time with my grandkids. What are the other things that I've wanted to do and not do? Do I want to sell my house and go, you know, buy a Winnebago and drive around? Maybe, maybe not.

But what are the things that you want to do [00:18:00] that you've never done? And what do you do? Um, and I think it's really important for us to think about how we're going to do them because we live so much by fear, and that we're not doing them. But if you knew that you didn't have much time left, what would you do?

You know, would you still live by those same rules? And so thinking about things that you really want to do, and, and you're not going to do them now, when are you going to do them? 

Bona: Yeah, so true. So two big stressors in a year. Two. cancer and unemployment. Um, and I, I get that you chose the unemployment to, to some extent, not, not, you didn't actively choose it, but, uh, it, it made sense, but also, um, you know, you and I've had some discussions.

I think any organization that's cutting back, there's also a very different culture to it. At that organization as it is letting people go, right? More work, less people is, is not a joy filled work environment, 

Patricia Van Der Laan: not a joy filled work environment. No, no. It's stressful for the [00:19:00] people leaving. It's stressful for the people being left behind.

It's stressful for the people that are doing the exits. Yeah. 

Bona: Yeah. So what's next? What's next for Patricia on her on her path? 

Patricia Van Der Laan: Well, um, I would say initially when that decision was made, even though I was part of it, I still had a bit of panic going, Oh my God, I'm going to not have a job. What am I going to do?

I'm still human, even though I'm positive. And I had to go, okay. Okay. I've got to look for a job right away. And then I realized, okay, but I need to figure out what I want to do. And then I sat back a little bit and I thought I'm being given a gift. Like I really have being a bit given a bit of a gift of time to figure out what I want to do at this point in my life.

Um, that not many people get the opportunity. Right. Um, and I'm very excited about it. So, um, Again, I think other people in my position because of age and you've got kids and you've got retirement and everything else would just really quickly jump on. I got to go find another [00:20:00] job really quickly. But I think with that, with having the cancer diagnosis, I'm just like, no, I've got a bit of a different perspective.

Where are the things that bring me joy and what am I doing? So um, as you know, I'm, I love chocolate. So one of the things I'm doing this year. January is a chocolate certification course, tasting certification course. I'm pretty excited about that. And then just some other things that I've, I've always wanted to do like some coaching courses and just some fun things for me.

I like really just focusing on some things for me before I figure out, you know, what are the things I really want to do and what kind of work do I want to do going forward? 

Bona: And so have you given yourself a timeline or are you just adding some fun things in and going from there? Adding some fun things in and then going from there.

That's awesome. So no pressure, which I think allows for more creativity and insight, right? 

Patricia Van Der Laan: Creativity I think is an important thing. I think so many of us don't allow and have time in our life for creativity. And I really want to make sure I'm getting some creativity in my life this [00:21:00] winter. So that's what I'm planning on.

Very cool. 

Bona: Thank you for this, Patricia. I always love having you on. Like I said, you've been a few steps ahead on this journey than me. And so it's always fun to hear your perspective. It opens up my eyes to, you know, things that I can still work on. I am so grateful that you made it through this year with your big heart, uh, intact and your spirit still very, very strong.

And you know, I always ask my guests to share a quote. So do you have a favorite quote you can share with us today? 

Patricia Van Der Laan: I do have a quote for you. Uh, my quote is I choose joy. Every single day. I choose joy. Just like choose something that makes your soul sing every damn day. On top of that, I choose joy. 

Bona: I choose joy.

Is that your mantra for 2025? 

Patricia Van Der Laan: My mantra for 2025. I choose joy. 

Bona: Thank you so much. Is there anything else you want to add before I let you go? 

Patricia Van Der Laan: I, I just [00:22:00] think that everyone should. Um, really just think about what it is that you've got in your life and what you want to do and, and don't let fear hold you back.

You know, the life that you're living, you know, we, we do everything because everybody else is doing it, but is that really what you want to be doing? And just think about, you know, it's, it's your only one life that you've got here and think about what you want to be doing while you're, you're in it.

Bona: Awesome. Thanks again, Patricia. So fun having you. Thank you. It's always, it's always a pleasure to be here talking with you. That's it for today. Happy people. Remember, when you have a choice, choose happy, have a good one, and go get your happy one. Feeling very blonde today. You had 

Patricia Van Der Laan: your coffee? 

Bona: I'm off caffeine.

Patricia Van Der Laan: That's explaining it. 

Bona: That's awesome. So awesome. Oh man. All right. Then you come on and you're like super zen. You're like