The Happier You: Empowering Your Journey to a Joyful and Fulfilling Life

Thriving Through the Empty Nest Transition with Coach Diana McIntosh EP#127

• Bona Normandeau • Season 5 • Episode 13

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In today's episode I'm talking to empty nest coach Diana McIntosh about navigating the emotional and identity shifts that come with children leaving home. Diana shares her personal journey as a single mom, her “3C Framework” for rediscovering passion and purpose, and practical tools—like her “Magic Morning Reset”—to help women move from surviving to thriving.

Key Takeaways:

  • The emotional complexity of sending kids off to university
  • How to avoid placing your sadness on your children
  • The power of curiosity in rediscovering yourself
  • Diana’s 3C Framework: Curiosity, Courage, and Confidence
  • The importance of small wins and self-celebration
  • Creating a supportive and nurturing morning routine

Links & Resources:

Connect with Bona:
🌟 The Happier You Website
 

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Bona Normandeau: Welcome to The Happier You Podcast. I'm your host, Bona Normandeau. The Happier You is about encouraging each of us to connect with our unique self and figure out what our personal happiness looks like and build more of it into our daily lives. It's not what others think our happy should look like. It's about figuring out what really fills up our cup and brings us joy.

Each episode is about exposing you to new ideas, perspectives, and tools to help you build more happy moments in your day-to-day life. Join me and start living your best life today.

Hey, happy people. Welcome back. I have another special guest on the podcast with me today that I am super excited for you to meet. As many of our son is in grade 12 and he's leaving home way sooner than I'm comfortable with. It's been the top conversation I've been having with friends over the past few months, and I'm having a bit of a hard time of it.

I'm quizzing everyone how they're getting through it, what they, how they got through it, if they've already been through this. And a friend suggested that I do a podcast on the topic, and I laughed and said, absolutely not yet. I'm still too raw actually, to talk about it. I'll wait until I've survived the ordeal, and then once I come through the other side, then I'll do a podcast on it.

Imagine how excited I was to be at a conference earlier this month, and I literally sat next to an actual. Empty nest coach. Come on, right? Isn't that the universe telling me you don't have to do the podcast on your own? You could bring in an expert. So today I'm excited to introduce you to Diana Macintosh.

And after going through the Empty Nest experience as a single mom, she has devoted her coaching career to helping women through this experience. So Diana, welcome to The Happier You Podcast. I am so stoked that you're here today. 

Diana McIntosh: Thank you. Thank you so much. I just was giggling as you were doing that intro in a good way because, you were like, I'm gonna hold on as long as I can and not do anything until I have to.

And that's one of my number one things is. Come on, let's not wait. Let's figure this out now. But yes, thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. And yeah, tell my story a little bit and see how I can help you and maybe someone else. 

Bona Normandeau: Awesome. Now, before I start grilling you let's just take a minute and in your words, if you can tell our listeners, what led you here to being a coach in this daunting transition from mom to empty nest?

Mom, 

Diana McIntosh: daunting is absolutely the right word. What led me here was just I was. Really worried about myself at a point where, I was a real hands-on mom. I was a stay at home mom and I had the privilege of doing that, which was wonderful. So really my whole life, was revolved around my girls and their lives and.

Oftentimes putting my life on the back burner and, thinking about things that would be interesting to do, but that can come later. This is my focus right now or my girls and raising them. And probably in that thinking, I was imagining this was gonna go on forever because I was just gonna hold on.

And yes, that doesn't happen. So I, my oldest, my girls are two years apart. And so I had a little bit of kind of wake, a wake up moment when my first daughter went to school and I was like, oh, okay, this feels really scary, but I still have my youngest at home. So I don't, quite need to get there yet.

And then that progressed and, I just had this overwhelming feeling that, life as I knew it was literally coming to an end and. I had no idea what to do and I didn't know what I was interested in. I didn't know, what life was gonna be like without that, 24 7 care, so to speak for my kids and their lives.

So I was really in a deep hole with it, and I needed to get myself out of it. And, as we say, we're, we don't figure it out until we're in that. That pain. And that's really, as I started crawling out of it and figuring it out, that's when I knew there are other women out there that have this same problem, this same pain, this same, I don't know what I wanna do feeling.

And, I just felt really called to, to step out and, take on the responsibility or take on that role of, helping other women. 

Bona Normandeau: And just so her perspective. Where are your girls at now? Like how long ago did you go through this transition? 

Diana McIntosh: My oldest went off to college in 2019, and so she's graduated out and is now living on her own, has a full-time job.

My youngest is graduating now from college in May, which is. Mind blowing. Another here we are again. So she'll be moving to Chicago and she has a full-time job. So it's been, a few years of, that's that high school empty nest time where they graduated from high school. I don't know. It feels like the hits keep coming 'cause I'm having some emotions now with my youngest leaving or graduating from college.

Bona Normandeau: So now would you say you are, you came through that the empty nest transition, your past surviving and you're into thriving kind of thing, like just to give those of us that are in at hope? 

Diana McIntosh: Absolutely. I do feel like I'm thriving. And it took a hot second, so don't lose hope. I think. There was a definite aha moment that I woke up one morning and I was just tired of just living, going through the motions of each day and pretending that everything was okay and pretending that, things were gonna come back to be quote unquote normal.

The normal as I knew it was gone and yeah. In that moment, I just knew I needed to do something else. I worked with a coach and I also worked very closely with a therapist also. So I have also had very, this isn't something that just came to me. I sought it out. I knew I needed help and that's what I did.

I went out and got help and then I just slowly, day by day change different things in my, I started with day, my days, I started changing different things in my day. That allowed me and gave me like a feeling of excitement. Yes, I wanna get up because I have that thing I'm looking forward to doing.

And so that's, where I started. And I think it's like with any kind of habits and any kind of change, it's each day little by little, and then you get to a point where you're more confident, you feel better. 

Bona Normandeau: You have to go through that. This doesn't feel comfortable. This isn't as you said quote unquote normal yet, but I gotta do something, right?

Like 

Diana McIntosh: it's not comfortable. And, and I think I. We've all had times in our life that we're not comfortable and we're scary, and this is just another one of 'em. And it's big. It's big. And that, I think we underestimate that our society and just it's a big deal. It's a big change.

Yeah. And sometimes people don't get it. 

Bona Normandeau: Yeah. It's interesting because I remember getting on a plane at age 17 and leaving home and realizing it was devastating to my parents, but at the same time I was just ready. And so what I find now is, I'm even getting emotional thinking about it, is.

I, I realize this big tough transition is coming and I'm in between two phases, so I've I've been very open with the people around me. I'm the needy girlfriend. Like I will take any crumb of time that our son will give us, because I know next year I don't get this right. Like he's gonna.

He's going to go away to university. He is not staying anywhere close. I gotta take two planes to get to him. So he like, he's cutting the cord, which is exactly what I did to my parents. And so it's natural and I'm excited for him. But then, so I'm the needy. I'm in my needy girlfriend stage, but at the same time, I'm trying to prepare for the letting go stage and the after the drop off kind of thing.

And what I'm really cognizant of, Diana, and I'm interested to hear what you think about this, is like I'm trying not to, because it's such an exciting phase that he's in. There's so exciting. He got into the University of his choice and he got into the program that he wants, and it's like super exciting.

So I'm trying to make sure that I am not putting my fear and my. My fear and my sadness on him because I don't want to take away from his experience at all.

Diana McIntosh: Yes. That's such an important piece because they do sense when you're troubled or you're sad or you're, depressed. I remember when my oldest went to college and my youngest was still home, and she kept kinda looking at me like, mom, what is your problem?

I'm still here and that, and I was like, oh damn. Like I know busted. I'm so sorry and I had to shape myself up. But from talking to you, I feel like you're a little bit ahead of the game because you have this great awareness of this monumental shift that is about to occur and we have to feel our feelings and what you're feeling is so valid and so absolutely normal, you just have to keep it in check when your kids are around and not project so much of your emotions. 'cause they don't get it. They're not parents, they're not moms, they're not dads. They don't like, they're just excited to go and have this great new adventure and that guilt that we can, portray to them.

Is just not something that they need. My biggest piece of advice is just truly to keep it in check. Be there for them in this time, but maybe don't make it so obvious that you're there for them. 

Bona Normandeau: Yeah. 

Yeah, 

Diana McIntosh: and I don't know if your son's open to maybe doing a couple go for dinner one night or just something simple where it's the two of you and you can connect.

Just those kind of intentional moments that aren't a big deal. Just let's go get, a cheeseburger and have a Coke or whatever, and then you could be 

Bona Normandeau: on your way. And it's interesting as you say this, because one of the things I'm thinking is you were a single mom and and we chatted about this previously is like, at least I know my husband is heartbroken too that he's leaving us.

So there's at least two of us going through this together. So I can just imagine how hard and devastating this is on a single mom. Like I can't even imagine I should say. I just it's just out. 

Diana McIntosh: Yeah, for me, and that's why I when I knew I wanted to help people, I really decided that I wanna help single, empty nest moms.

And I think all of us are going through a real time of transition, but there are a certain set of challenges that being single, comes at us. And as you're saying, the emotional part of it, for me at least, was. Just still really hard because there was nobody to share this moment.

As difficult as it was. But also the wonderful things in that time, like look at our kid, they're like going and doing this thing. This is amazing. I we're, we should be so proud. And that for me it was, I just hands on heart with myself. Look at what you did. You did this amazing thing.

But that can be tricky and. I'm really big on celebration and celebrating myself and when I, even the little things, if I did something that I promised I was gonna do myself, at the end of the day I am like, if there's anything that you're doubting yourself, know that you did that thing and you are amazing.

But yes, I think the decisions that you have to make alone for your child or just for this new life that you have now and a lot of the emotional baggage that comes with. Raising kids and watching them leave and it can be very lonely and just it's tricky, hoping 

Bona Normandeau: we got it right.

And yes, hoping we did. So what's your methodology or how do you take the emotional wreck that, that I am right now and get me to the thriving as opposed to just surviving? What's your process? 

Diana McIntosh: I have set up or created a little bit of a framework for myself and my coaching.

When women come to me, they're so lost as to what they're supposed to do. Now what do I want to do now? Better yet though, they say, I don't even know what I like to do now. And I think that question shift, even though the questions are very similar. Still, it's that I don't even know what I like to do.

And that really pushed me into the direction of setting up this framework that I use, and I call it the three C framework for rediscovering your passions and always being excited about your life. And the first step of that is getting curious. We don't know what we're gonna wanna do. We don't know what we may even like to do.

We may not even. Know sort of what this chapter's gonna look like until we get really curious about ourselves and what makes us feel good, what makes us feel happy. And that takes a little bit of deep diving, as journaling is something that's very important to me, and that's something that we walk through for pretty much the whole program.

Is, really writing stuff down and brain dumping and getting curious about what it is you wanna do, what you might think you wanna do. And then the next step is just getting the courage to go out and do it, taking action. I'm a big believer in taking action, no matter how scary it may seem, just go do the thing.

You can do it one time, you don't like it, you don't have to do it again. And then that really leads to just building a amazing sense of confidence for yourself. That confidence, I believe, takes you into the rest of your life. And, stuff's always gonna be coming at us, but if we have that foundation of confidence, I can get through this because I know myself, I know what I love, I know what I wanna do.

And with that confidence, it's all gonna be okay. Makes sense. And so that's really where I, the foundation of what I take women through. 

Bona Normandeau: I love it. It makes a lot of sense to me. And I think, when we're really lost frustrated, scared, whatever, all those big feels that are going on in this transition it's, I.

Sometimes all we can do is just show up for one thing. And and I love that, that you take us through that and walk us through that process because so love that you use journal. And earlier you talked about small wins. Two of my favorite things to do is just really, yeah, get curious about yourself and who are you going to be when you're not a full-time mom?

We're still moms, right? But it's not like the day-to-day grind kind of things. 

Diana McIntosh: I think just a little bit more on the curiosity part. We've also put that I believe that we put that sort of interest in ourselves, very much in the backseat for all these years that we raised our kids, and we never were really curious enough about, oh what if I did that?

Or what if I did this, or, and that's what I love about the place you're in right now is because you're not quite there yet. If you could just start that process or if a new empty nest mom who's listening to that can start this process and start getting curious now, like that would just make things so much easier.

You'd have some things that maybe, okay, he's gone. It's really sad, but oh my gosh, I just have this like, art class I'm gonna go to, or I have this dinner with a friend that I'm gonna go out to that I put on the back burner for so many years. So setting yourself up for some small wins.

Now as opposed to, six months after he is gone and you're still, you still can't get outta bed in the morning. Yeah. I think is really important. 

Bona Normandeau: Yeah. And I think that's one of the things you do don't you, Diana, that we, I think we talked about this when we were at the conferences. You have a morning routine that you run people through, don't you?

Diana McIntosh: I call it the magic Morning reset, and I just feel that word magic was so appropriate because it really just, it's easy. I allocate 10 minutes. A lot of times my morning routines go longer than that, but that's just because of years of practice. But if you can do five to 10 minutes in your morning, that revolve around just you.

Our morning routines as mom, I feel are the most changed the minute they walk out of the house. One day you have it, and the next day it's gone. There's no like graduation from it. You're one minute. All the chaos of mornings, getting to school, making the lunches, get on the school bus, doing the sports, whatever it is that your kids did in the mornings.

Yeah. And then you're I don't have anything to get up for, right? So I'm just not going to, A lot of times that's easier to do than. Okay, I'm gonna get up. I'm gonna, get my body moving. I'm going to, get my journal, go outside for some good morning light, make a nice cup of coffee or warm water.

Just a few things that can make you feel better physically and in your mind, and, sets you up for a better day. Yeah, 

Bona Normandeau: I love everything that you're saying and it all sounds healthy and practical, which I love both those things. For me, just knowing somebody like you is out there, it feels good, right?

It just feels good to know that there's somebody who's I acknowledge that this is a really tough time and and you don't have to go through it alone. So if somebody wanted to know more about you, potentially work with you, Diana, where can they find out more about you? 

Diana McIntosh: Right now you can find me very easily on Instagram and you can also find me on Facebook.

Both of my handles are Diana Macintosh. I think my Instagram is Diana Macintosh coach. 

Bona Normandeau: Awesome. And I'll put links for those in the show notes so everybody can find you. I think I gave you the warning that I always love to ask my guests to share their favorite quote. So do you have something handy that you can share with us?

Diana McIntosh: Yes, I do.

This is actually a favorite quote and I love the way that it's a quote by Joseph Campbell and I love the way he wrote it. And it goes like this. We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us. That's has always spoken to me on so many levels.

'cause I, and not just in the empty nest phase, we're letting go of a life that. We thought was gonna just be forever, but it really can go to any phase of your life. Gosh, since I was probably a teenager, I thought my life was gonna be a specific way. You think it's gonna go one way and then it goes in totally different way.

And that's like the beauty of it. And when you realize that, and then some really wonderful things come into your life, it's all good. 

Bona Normandeau: Yeah. I love that it speaks very much to being open to change. And you're right, we do, we get so busy in the current phase that we're at, that we often don't look ahead to what's coming.

It's just we don't have time, we don't have the energy like staying open to what is next and what's out there for us. That's awesome. Diana, anything else you wanna send us off with anything I didn't ask you that you that you want the listeners to know? 

Diana McIntosh: I don't think so. Actually I will say one thing about comment that you just made.

People don't know that there are other people out there to help them with a specific thing in their life. And as I said earlier, I think our society just thinks this is what's supposed to be, your kids are gonna leave and you're gonna be fine. There's help out there for people and for women, and you don't have to do it alone.

I think that would be the one thing that I would say is. You don't have to do it alone. Don't do it alone. 

Bona Normandeau: Yeah, absolutely. I agree with you. And I find that's what I'm finding as I talk about it more that we're not suffering in silence anymore. We're allowed to talk about things and and ask for help.

So that's awesome. Thank you so much. Oh, thank you. I wanna say I. On behalf of all the soon to be empty nest moms who are struggling right now or might, start struggling in the fall. Thank you for what you do, Diana. I think it's really important and thank you for putting yourself out there and helping people like me.

But also thanks for coming on the podcast and just sharing who you are and what you do. I really appreciate you. My pleasure. Thank you. Alright, happy people. Remember when you have a choice, choose happy. Have a good one, and go get your happy on.

Diana McIntosh: Hold on, Bon. This is gonna have to be a blooper. My daughter keeps calling me. They don't ever stop calling 

Bona Normandeau: yay. I'm so glad.