#506 | If You're a Parent Being Estranged, Here's What You Need to Know

Silence has a shape. In this episode, we step into the painful reality of family estrangement, where adult children, estranged parents, and the people caught between them are left trying to make sense of the distance that once felt impossible. Beneath the quiet, there is often grief, shame, anxiety, boundaries, accountability, and a deep longing for repair.

For anyone standing on either side of the divide, this episode offers a grounded and psychologically honest look at what happens when family systems fracture, love is still present, and connection no longer feels simple or safe. Come closer to the silence. It may be saying more than anyone has been willing to hear.

Here’s a related episode that builds on today’s conversation:
#484 | Avoiding the Truth Doesn't Make it Not Real - https://apple.co/4cchVxC

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Show notes:
(3:12) What estranged parents need to know
(5:42) Defining estrangement and emotional distance
(8:18) The numbers behind family estrangement
(10:48) Grief, shame, and anxiety underneath silence
(17:12) Isaac shares what it's like to be part of the Evolve Ventures team and what he loves about it.
(18:01) Why good therapy matters deeply
(21:05) Algorithms, blame, and generational bias
(26:57) Why estrangement feels more visible now
(31:29) The hard truth about repair
(34:05) Respect, boundaries, and keeping the door open
(37:37) Outro

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(Stay tuned for this coming Monday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) If you are a parent whose adult children are not talking to you, this episode is for you. (0:07) If you are the child who is not talking to your parent, this is also for you because this might, this might be what you needed to hear.

Emilia Smith

(0:19) And if you're that estranged parent right now, you're going to want to understand some of the most basic things that we need to know about estrangement in the 21st century.

Bianca Thomas

(0:30) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay, and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:42) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day, where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:58) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you every Monday and Thursdays, where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be.

Emilia Smith

(1:19) My name's Emilia. (1:20) And I'm Bianca. (1:22) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution.(1:27) Let's get into it.

Emilia Smith

(1:28) Hey, everybody. (1:29) It's Bianca. (1:31) Welcome back, Evolvers.(1:32) This is Amelia. (1:33) And we are grateful to have you in episode 506. (1:38) If you're a parent, being estranged, here's what you need to know.(1:44) So for anyone that's joining us, whether you are, we imagine you're likely that estranged parent, or you might be a child of someone who is experiencing estrangement, this episode is for you. (1:57) And as professionals in the field who are working with individuals that are going through estrangements, we happen to see and sit on the side of the table that hears both ends, from the adult child or the teenager or the millennial Gen Z to the boomers, Gen Xers, and what's known as the Xennials. (2:17) So long story short, we hear sentiments coming from many angles.(2:24) And what our goal on this podcast is to share is ultimately what we find at Evolve, when there's an absence of what we're going to talk about here, ultimately, it kind of just breaks down the spine of not only connection, but I would say, community belonging. (2:45) And if we let that ripple effect into our day to day, it can really turn into some really unhelpful patterns in our life that can then lead to a downfall in things like chronic depression, anxiety, and all sorts of other mental ailments that we can fall into. (3:04) And that really sucks.(3:05) And I just want to name that. (3:07) So Bianca, where I kind of wanted to share this coming from. (3:11) So I am fortunate enough to have a lot of exposure to, like I said, a lot of different generations.(3:19) And so I'll hear a little bit about their life and about their community systems and kind of the engagements that they have. (3:28) And one of the boomer generations that I was working with a couple of weeks ago, this person was talking to me about like their community system. (3:39) And they were saying, you know, kind of reciting all the different people that I've heard about in their life over the last couple of years that we had been working together.(3:45) And I had heard one family to one family to another family. (3:52) There's more and more estrangement that's happening in the family. (3:55) You know, he was saying, oh, this one of their daughters is not talking to them and they've been estranged for, you know, three years now.(4:03) It's really sad. (4:04) And that's really like the sentiment that I keep hearing from the side of the boomers. (4:07) And that's really sad is the presenting primary emotion.(4:11) And then the secondary is a lot of confusion. (4:13) Like, they don't understand it. (4:15) I feel really bad.(4:16) Now these are friends of theirs. (4:18) I don't really know what to do because they're kind of in this position where they want to talk to their daughter. (4:25) They want to connect with their daughter, but they feel incapable of doing so.(4:29) And the daughter has essentially shut them out and stopped communication. (4:33) So this is something that I'm actually starting to hear more people be vulnerable about and recognizing actually the level of statistical prevalence I think is important for anyone that is going through this. (4:46) And I want to talk about it and open up those seas of communications because I have more and more people asking me questions about this.(4:53) And with that sadness and confusion, I'm recognizing there's a huge gap and a huge necessity for what to do when you are experiencing estrangement from the person that's kind of feeling like you're getting pushed out to the other individual and how to handle and navigate that in a way that's in alignment. (5:13) So I think we need to kind of talk about not only the prevalence, but like, why does this happen? (5:18) So that if you're being estranged, you have the basics on what you need to know in order to approach this in a way that is, I think, long-term offers the most net positive benefits.(5:33) And I know that sounds weird talking about estrangement and benefits, but the reality of the fact is when people are estranged, that has an implication on our nervous systems. (5:42) Because when we have, and what is estrangement? (5:44) I think we need to start with a shared definition.(5:46) I think that would help you. (5:47) Okay. (5:48) So estrangement, ultimately, it's this aspect of when you have a sense of closeness in a relationship.(5:55) So in this context, we're going to talk about family estrangement. (5:58) Friendship estrangement is a whole nother subject. (6:01) That's a whole nother conversation.(6:03) But when estrangement happens, so essentially you have a close connection that was shared at one point. (6:11) And through time, through either explicit communication or implicit what's called drifting, you've grown apart. (6:19) But it's grown apart that is to some degree intentional.(6:23) There's boundaries that essentially keep you at bay or push you out further out in that what was once an intimate connection further out. (6:32) Right. (6:32) And so that can look like establishing a boundaries that can look like a shutdown of communications that can look like a not talking to one another that can look like, you know, quite literally zero communications.(6:44) So it can be all over the spectrum on zero communications and not seeing each other, not connecting with one another whatsoever to very little trickle, like once every couple of years. (6:57) So I kind of want to put estrangement on the spectrum of frequency of communications, intimacy of communication and intensity. (7:06) So that's kind of the spectrum that we're talking about.(7:09) OK, so if you are in a strange person from another family member or someone that you care about, that means at one point you two shared a deep, intimate connection that no longer is happening for one one way, one reason or another. (7:25) You might not know the reason. (7:27) And that's usually why the sadness presents.(7:29) And that's usually why the confusion presents in that, because there's nothing worse than not knowing why a connection that you used to have at one point that was close is now super distant and feels unreachable, untouchable. (7:44) So that's a strange man in a nutshell. (7:46) Bianca, anything to add on that?

Bianca Thomas

(7:49) I have questions I want to ask you, but I'm going to do it after you talk about some of the stats. (7:54) OK, OK.

Emilia Smith

(7:56) So let's talk about the statistics that are here. (7:59) So in the United States, and I'm going to use the United States as a sample set, and I think it's actually quite interesting when you look at the global statistics on this, but I'm not going to go global just for right now. (8:11) I'm going to just focus on the U.S. because the 80 percent of our listeners, if not 90 percent at this point, are in the United States. (8:17) So we're going to speak to those. (8:18) So 38 percent of U.S. adults, this is based on 2025 to 2026 studies, 38 percent of U.S. adults are estranged. (8:29) Wow.(8:30) Fathers are 22 percent more likely to be estranged from daughters, and sons are more likely to be estranged from their mothers than daughters are from their mothers. (8:43) To that end, the duration of estrangement, when we look at the category of fathers, this breaks my heart to say and to see these numbers, 7.9 years for fathers, for daughters, 3.8 years. (9:08) One in five cite politics and toxic environments as the reason for estrangement.(9:17) And the primary individuals who make up those who are the estrangers, meaning those who are pushing away the connection that once was quote unquote close, are the Generation Z and Millennials. (9:32) So that very much tracks with what I'm hearing right now. (9:37) I have a lot of Gen Z's and Millennials who are now coming to evolve, working through the grief, the three emotions that present around this, like I said, is sadness and confusion on the person who's being estranged.(9:56) But deep down, if you were to pull down the curtain on both ends, the person who's estranged and the person who is being estranged, there's three emotions that happen inside both people. (10:07) The first one is grief, the second is shame, and the third is anxiety. (10:12) Why?(10:16) Because when you have a break in communication and there's this desire to connect, but for whatever reason, you feel like it's not safe. (10:30) You feel unheard, unseen. (10:32) You feel like there's maybe no respect.(10:34) There's not a sharing of core values or respect for different belief systems, et cetera. (10:39) And there's no way in which you can continue the channel of connection. (10:44) At least that's what it feels like.(10:45) And that's what's cited. (10:48) Grief, there's an intense, intense connectivity grieving process that is really tricky to not only just go through the process in the stages of grief, but to mourn that with other people that have their own lens on estrangement and don't normalize that or say, oh, you shouldn't do that, like X, Y, Z, right? (11:12) It makes grief extra hard to go through because not a ton of people will relate to you or can relate to you.(11:20) And more often than not, statistically speaking, most people do not know how to cope with this type of grief effectively. (11:28) So there's a lot of projection going on on how you should. (11:32) And it's not as adaptive as ultimately what when we look at the emotional experience of human beings going through estrangement has.(11:43) What is done in therapy is incredibly important. (11:46) Not it is not just let me talk to a friend about this. (11:49) So the shame comes from I am wrong for doing this.(11:53) I'm a bad person for having boundaries. (11:56) I am a bad person for having needs. (11:58) I'm a bad mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, sibling for not talking to X, Y, Z.(12:04) So that's a rampant thought that comes up, which ultimately has you in inner conflict, inner civil war of, well, I'm trying to honor what is best for me or what I feel is right for me. (12:14) And yet I know that that's hurting potentially someone else. (12:19) And I know that that is bringing pain or suffering to another human being.(12:24) So what does that do? (12:25) That creates that shame narrative. (12:28) And then the anxiety is really coming from this waiting or this alert system that goes on ever since the estrangement or the subsequent estrangement happens.(12:40) That is looking and (12:42) scanning at every interaction of that other person, whether they're going to text or call (12:48) that like pervasive waiting for reconciliation, waiting for the other person to actually (12:55) apologize, waiting for the other person to X, Y, or Z, whatever is in our narratives that they (13:01) should be doing, which is what that would offer forgiveness as to why the estrangement happened (13:07) in the first place.(13:08) Those three emotions are happening and they're pervasive. (13:11) So if you're a parent of an adult child who is estranging you or you're experiencing estrangement, please know the first thing that I want you to know is that on the other side, your child, your adult child, who I'm going to say is an adult, they're also experiencing these emotions and that might hurt your heart like it does for us to share this. (13:38) And I think that that's really important to bring to the surface because how you go and cope with those emotions has everything to do with whether or not there's ever reconciliation available for you.(13:51) So if you're a parent right now being estranged and you're not doing three things, and then Bianca, I'll encourage you to ask the questions. (13:58) If you're not going to therapy, if you're not getting support groups, and if you're not establishing self-care routines that honor these emotional experiences that you have to go through because you don't have another choice, grief, shame, anxiety. (14:15) If you're not seeing a therapist and coping with those, what is happening is that's getting internalized and then that's creating this kind of mega energy that is unconsciously saying, I'm not ready or capable or able or willing to honor your decision for estrangement, to respect that decision, to keep the door open for if and when that were to ever happen.(14:43) And when that happens, I'm going to make sure that there's low pressure and respectful communications for connections, if that were ever a thing in the future. (14:52) So I know that a lot of individuals who experience estrangement will refuse to go to therapy because they have this narrative that it is their fault. (15:03) The other person's fault.(15:05) Exactly. (15:06) And that, trust me, is going to push any attempt for connection from the other person back to you. (15:14) That's going to push that further and further down the line.(15:16) That's why fathers take the crown for 7.9 years of estrangement. (15:23) Why? (15:23) Because the narrative in fathers completely outpaces every other narrative between sibling relationships, grandparents relationships, mother, daughter, brother, all the other relationship dynamics.(15:37) Fathers have this big narrative that it's someone else's fault that estrangement is happening. (15:45) And unfortunately, when you look at the stats and the generational standpoint, what is most heartbreaking is that that narrative is out of a self-protective mechanism and the refusal to go get help and therapy and realize that you have likely something to do with that. (16:03) That is what's keeping this can being kicked down the line because your adult child sees that you're unwilling to see them as adult, as a human being, outside and separate of you.(16:16) And so what you need to know is that your first aid to helping yourself through this is going to therapy. (16:27) So I'm going to end there and I'm going to remind everyone I'm coming from a place of seeing the breakdown in family systems and it is heartbreaking and it is hurtful to see. (16:39) And also we cannot skirt around what I just said.(16:44) We cannot expect connection to happen when they're at the fundamental belief systems, families whose fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters are saying, I have nothing to do with it. (16:56) It's all them pointing outward instead of looking in the mirror and saying, hey, I need to cope with this. (17:02) I need to understand what grief, shame and anxiety I have underneath this and I need to understand what role am I or have I likely contributed to this?

Isaac Gomes

(17:12) Hey everybody, my name is Isaac and I have been a part of Evolve for a little over a year now. (17:19) My experience with Evolve has been nothing short of phenomenal. (17:23) The community, the Evolve Ventures Society is just a group of people who are all like-minded and growth oriented and you can ask questions and get support from anyone and you can share and be open and that's what I really love about it.(17:40) Amelia and Bianca have been nothing short of phenomenal honestly. (17:44) The amount they care about their team members and their mental well-being and their mental health and improving everyone's self-awareness. (17:53) I could not have asked for a better place to be at right now in this part of my life and yeah, keep evolving everybody.

Bianca Thomas

(18:01) Going to therapy is fundamentally critical. (18:07) We say this every session. (18:09) I'm gonna say it again.(18:10) It's not just going to therapy. (18:12) It's going to good therapy with a therapist who's going to recognize what's actually going on and then be able to acknowledge your role in it and not just validate you. (18:24) Oh my god, yeah, your kid is so bad.(18:27) They should have, you know, everything you did for them and whatever the case may be. (18:32) You know, therapy has been so helpful for so many people and I'm gonna say this. (18:43) It's not gonna sound nice.(18:45) It's also made a lot of people victims and has perpetuated a victim mindset in so many people because the therapists that they are going to are perpetuating these narratives that the world is against you and there's nothing you can do and poor you and just validating you rather than actually helping you to create meaningful change and meaningful belief change that then leads to behavior change. (19:16) Amelia, with the topic of estrangement and with all of this that's been going on, I've seen a lot of content coming out on different platforms, talking to the parent, talking to the person who's doing the estranging, every narrative, every angle basically saying, no, it's the parent's fault. (19:40) No, it's the child's fault.(19:42) No, this, that, this, it's just this generation is soft. (19:46) This generation can't deal with anything. (19:50) Oh, the parents just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.(19:52) There's a lot of different ideas, beliefs, perspectives, so on and so forth. (20:00) There's also a lot of narratives going out that estrangement is now a new thing and that this never happened in the past. (20:10) The question that I have for you is, are we actually seeing an uptick in estrangement?(20:17) If so, why? (20:20) Is it actually because, and I think it's a little bit of both and that's my hypothesis, but is it that this generation actually is weaker, softer, less emotionally gritty and quote unquote hard and capable of handling conflict and they're causing problems where there aren't any? (20:48) Or is it that we have more awareness and understanding now and we're making different decisions based on that or something else?(21:01) What else could it be? (21:02) But those are the two that I have primarily seen.

Emilia Smith

(21:05) Right. (21:06) Okay. (21:06) So when we see, and I really appreciate this question because I do know that more Gen Xers and boomers are getting online on Instagram, on Facebook, on TikTok and social media.(21:18) And so a lot of the online adoption and use of multiple generations never has happened in history before. (21:27) Like never has there ever been more generations online consuming content in history before. (21:33) Why?(21:33) Because that wasn't available. (21:35) So why does that matter? (21:38) There's a couple of things and I'm with you in a general sense that it is both, but I think that that's important to recognize.(21:45) I also know that every single platform where these generations are online is a platform that has algorithms designed to keep them watching. (21:57) So increasing the user attention and time on that platform. (22:01) So based on that, that algorithm is going to create this confirmation bias on what the quote unquote user is voting for and the amount of likes time spent scrolling versus time spent on a specific post or story.(22:19) And essentially all those metrics are being calculated to say push more of this content. (22:24) Why does that matter? (22:25) Because it's creating this huge bubble of confirmation bias.(22:29) So if you unconsciously are the person who believes that it's all the parent's fault and they are the most toxic person and that's why you are estranging it or estranging them, all the content on your social media feed is going to push that narrative back to you. (22:47) And it becomes this reinforcing belief system. (22:50) If you're the parent that believes same thing, that it's the child and they're just super soft at like, it's just this generation.(22:57) They don't know how to handle it. (22:59) Right. (22:59) That classic latchkey generation X where they came home, they didn't have anyone to rely on in their upbringing.(23:08) That's taking into the historical context of the fact that like that gritty quote unquote inability to to be empathetic and to recognize your boundaries and to establish your own needs. (23:18) It didn't matter because you would come home and your both parents were working. (23:21) So like you didn't have the quote unquote luxury in a way that younger generations maybe have the luxury of being able to emotionally connect with one another.(23:31) And so if you're thinking that these younger generations are too soft or this or that, right, that's your belief system. (23:36) And you're going to spend more time, energy and attention and liking and keeping on a specific post that reinforces your belief system. (23:45) Quite literally, that's the cognitive biases just reinforcing, reinforcing belief system and the products that you're consuming content on are going to reinforce that.(23:56) So likely even if you like if you are an estranged parent, you're going to stay on this more because your belief systems are quite literally right now looking for the evidence that supports your belief system, whether it means that it is your your child's fault because they're too soft or whether that means something else. (24:14) If you're the estranged child, like you're looking unconsciously, your brain is looking for content and stuff to validate that. (24:22) And that's why I'm so grateful for this question, because quite literally, we are calling out the fact that our belief systems are just pushing forward focal points and therapists probably even and people who are going to support this narrative that keeps their belief systems chugging along as they are.(24:44) So no, it's not necessarily that this generation is softer. (24:47) No, that it's not necessarily that that older generation is more toxic. (24:52) We have to take into account how this narrative continues to get pushed.(24:57) We have to take into a context the bigger historical experiences of each generation. (25:03) And then most importantly, from my perspective, we need to kind of zoom out of that because any (25:08) sort of pointing forward, it's their fault, I believe is the best indicator to where your (25:14) psychological immune system is refusing to take accountability because it's uncomfortable and it (25:21) goes against your belief systems of what your protective parts want to believe about the (25:28) situation that you are uncomfortable with.(25:31) And I'm not villainizing anyone for that. (25:34) However, what is really critical is the fact that there's grief, there's shame, there's anxiety. (25:39) No one can argue with that.(25:41) How you respond to the grief, the shame, the anxiety is absolutely the only thing that's going to create this continuous bridge to build between this new world between you and whatever person or you are literally, if you're pointing outwards, you're literally breaking down the bricks that could build that future connection. (26:04) So it's a mix of both and there are other elements, but that's where I'm going to stop.

Bianca Thomas

(26:09) Yeah. (26:10) So two questions to close out this episode. (26:14) And we have about 10 minutes left.(26:17) Number one. (26:20) So for the person who is listening to this, who is the one who is estranged and feels insanely confused, they don't understand why it happened. (26:30) They don't understand, you know, how their child could have made that decision.(26:36) Question number one, why are more people becoming estranged from each other? (26:44) Like given that data, 38% of US adults are estranged from their parents or from others in their family or whoever in general. (26:54) Why is that?

Emilia Smith

(26:57) Question number one. (26:58) Yeah. (26:59) So a couple of things on that as well.(27:02) Estrangement has always been in existence in human beings. (27:09) I do want to put that out there. (27:11) The 38%, as we all have to recognize, is when this started to, quote unquote, become a thing to where scientists and psychologists and sociologists started to kind of track people who have raised their hand and reported estrangement.(27:26) So just like all reporting, it's like it has this marker, the start date for when they started tracking and when these percentages came out. (27:37) And in comparison to past time. (27:39) So it has always been a thing.(27:40) OK. (27:41) But in 2025 and 2026, more people are starting to report and raise their hand and essentially say, I am someone who's been estranged from a family member. (27:51) What does that tell us to the question of the why?(27:54) That tells us that more people are feeling comfortable actually talking about challenges that are impacting them behind the scenes where otherwise they would have had to hide, pretend like it didn't exist or not have safe spaces to talk about that. (28:12) So why is this happening? (28:14) Why is it, quote unquote, increasing in prevalence?(28:16) I would encourage us to change the question of what is it that is allowing us to talk about estrangement and not normalize it, but normalize the process of being able to self report, normalize the process of going to therapy to process grief, shame and anxiety. (28:35) What is that? (28:36) I think that that is the better question.(28:38) And I want to address the why is this happening from a little bit of two angles. (28:46) So what is making that possible is more access to mental health resources. (28:52) There is an increasing wave of an acknowledgement of what happens emotionally, psychologically and mentally is actually just as important and worth worthy of our focus and attention and concern because of the health implications as it is breaking a leg and needing to go get a doctor's visit.(29:12) So that's a really critical component that is influencing all of this data. (29:16) And why is it happening, quote unquote, more? (29:19) Why?(29:20) Why does it happen, period? (29:21) One of the biggest concerns that I have on why it is happening is because of the fact that most people are spending more of their time on, let's just say, skills that are not helping us repair relationships or acknowledge our needs, understand our boundaries. (29:43) And or when that happens, you have this merging of one generation.(29:48) So, for example, millennials and Gen Xers have more literacy to their emotions than any other generation. (29:55) Gen X or Gen Z? (29:57) Gen Z and millennials have more literacy to their emotions than Gen Xers and boomers.(30:03) And why does that matter? (30:05) Literacy to something allows you to acknowledge what's happening. (30:08) And that's like literally talking different languages.(30:10) You're talking, speaking different languages. (30:12) If you know how to address, oh, this was really not okay. (30:15) If you know the difference between a boundary and a belief system, if you know the differences and nuances and you can't talk to your parent about that because it goes way over their head because of their experiences.(30:30) They sweep everything underneath a rug because that's what they were taught to do. (30:34) You have this huge missing of each other. (30:37) And so that is creating this bigger gap and the lack of ability to actually have language and communicate.(30:43) And so what people who are estranged need to know is increasing your literacy around this rupture, repair skills, a lot of the things that we talk about and educate at Evolve. (30:54) Those skills are going to help you understand not only what the lingo is and why it's happening, but help you in a way kind of get closure and decipher why it is happening in the first place. (31:05) But here's the thing.(31:06) I will say you might not ever know. (31:07) You might not ever know why it happened. (31:11) You might not ever have deserved to understand why it's happening.(31:16) But for you to remain curious, respectful and low pressure on communications when they do happen is your responsibility if you want that relationship.

Bianca Thomas

(31:29) This is going to probably hurt your feelings and that's okay.

Bianca Thomas

(31:35) Your children and the people in your life are probably being estranged or estranging you. (31:42) I'm making it a little bit more succinct because they do not believe that they can communicate with you in the way that they need to, to where repair is possible, to where they can have a safe, healthy, mutually consensual and respectful relationship. (32:01) They have probably tried over and over and over again to quote unquote fix the relationship single handedly and it has not gone anywhere.(32:12) And you can only do a behavior so many times with no outcome before you finally stop and give up.

Emilia Smith

(32:22) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(32:22) I know it's probably hard to hear, but they probably have tried multiple times. (32:29) And to be fair, it's not on the child, even if they're an adult, to make the repair. (32:36) It's on you because you were the adult.(32:39) When they were children, you were the adult. (32:43) When they were adolescents, you were the adult. (32:46) Even in their early twenties, you were the adult, you were the parent.(32:51) And if there is a rupture there and it is due to what we're talking about, they have probably tried. (33:02) They have probably put in that effort and they have learned through repeated exposure that change is not going to happen, that they are going to consistently be met with, well, I'm the parent. (33:17) Well, you're the child.(33:19) Well, you do as I say, and I'm too old to change and so on and so forth, which has led them to giving up. (33:27) So Amelia, as we wrap up, what should parents do? (33:34) So you kind of already said a few things.(33:36) Number one, have the courage to go to therapy and to acknowledge that you probably do have a role in this, even though it's hard to admit. (33:44) Number two, increase your emotional literacy. (33:49) What else?(33:50) And be mindful of the algorithms that you're viewing that are allowing you to further your confirmation bias. (33:58) Is there anything else in there that they can and it would benefit them to do?

Emilia Smith

(34:05) Yeah, I think that I mentioned earlier, support groups are really important. (34:09) And I'm going to add a qualifier on there. (34:12) If you go into a support group where the conversation is, oh, it's sad and villainizes the situation rather than gets curious and talks about like, oh, that's really hard and then can talk about it, like go beyond just one layer.(34:29) Like that's a support group that's actually going to help you navigate and cope through it. (34:33) Not a support group, again, that's just going to validate the experience and let that go. (34:37) Right.(34:37) Support groups that actually help you grow is the most important thing. (34:42) Self-care routines are critical because you are navigating some really difficult emotions despite what your narratives might want to tell you. (34:51) So when it comes to the actual estrangement to that person, you need to uphold respect.(34:57) And I don't care if they are your child and you believe that you don't you don't need to give them respect. (35:04) They are a human being outside of you. (35:08) And I know you might have brought them into this world, but it is your responsibility to make sure that you treat them with the most respect.(35:15) As someone who decided to do that. (35:19) OK, treat them with respect. (35:22) Number two, keep the door open.(35:25) They might not ever come around. (35:27) They might not ever feel safe with you again. (35:30) And that is heartbreaking.

Bianca Thomas

(35:34) And.

Emilia Smith

(35:36) If they do, do you have that door open or do you have so many emotions that you've not coped with to where you let your protective parts close that, close that door of communication, close that completely because you can't handle uncomfortable things? (35:53) The third thing is whenever there is openness to connection, if that's something that you have earned. (36:01) Keep it low pressure and maintain respectful communication, meaning if they have boundaries and they've communicated them.(36:09) It would behoove you to read a book on what boundaries are and how to respect other people's boundaries. (36:14) Right. (36:14) And those are literally things that you can take, practice, repeat and and help you navigate through this because this is going to suck and thinking otherwise is just delusion.(36:29) And we have seen it. (36:31) We have clients that come to us and they're like, damn, this sucks. (36:34) I don't want to do that.(36:35) It's like, yeah, I see you. (36:37) But do you want that relationship? (36:40) Do you want the potential back?(36:43) To have closeness, it might not ever look the same, but do you want that? (36:48) The answer is yeah. (36:49) So like anything that you want, you have to work for it.(36:52) You have to earn it. (36:53) To some extent, there needs to be inputs on your side that help develop and acquire new skills. (36:59) And we all as human beings need to retool.(37:02) That is why we need to evolve, because the way in which relationships work now, while there are some fundamental principles that will maintain through the tales of time, there are very critical components that are evolving and we can either evolve with the times or get left behind. (37:17) And that's just a reality. (37:18) So you're you know, that's up to you.(37:22) So that's what I would close with.

Bianca Thomas

(37:24) Well said. (37:27) Our episode suggestion for this episode is 484. (37:31) Avoiding the truth doesn't make it not real.

Emilia Smith

(37:38) And as always, thank you, Evolvers, for keeping up with us. (37:41) I know this was a tough one, but it's an important episode. (37:44) And thank you, as always, for your interest in the science of holistic mental health and well-being.(37:49) We are so grateful that you're with us. (37:52) Keep evolving, bye everybody. (37:58) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution.(38:05) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, so that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are too. (38:22) Extraordinary topics with evolved people. (38:24) That's what this event is all about.(38:27) What's great, too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on. (38:31) You can just listen in. (38:32) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(38:37) Be on the lookout for our IG Lives that we host every Friday at 12.30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (38:44) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (38:49) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses, and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(38:59) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(39:13) This content is intended for information purposes only. (39:16) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (39:28) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.