#508 | How to Be the Best Post-Partum Partner

In this episode of Evolve Ventures Tech, we take a sharp, honest look at what partnership really requires before, during, and after pregnancy. From postpartum support and emotional labor to household rhythms, identity shifts, and the pressure new parents rarely see coming, we challenge the idea that love alone is enough to build a steady family system.

This episode is for expecting parents, conscious couples, and anyone preparing for parenthood with more clarity, humility, and intention. Build the foundation before the baby arrives, because pressure has a way of exposing what preparation was overlooked.

Here are related episodes that build on today’s conversation:
#483 | How to Hold Two Truths At the Same Time - https://apple.co/4tSwvBR
#457 | Polyvagal Theory: The Key to Well-Being - https://apple.co/4qcqfCp 

Learn more about:
🤝 Out of the Mud (OOTM) - "Being Strong Is Exhausting: The Mental Health Cost of Always Holding It Together" - https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/IykObX8eR7ixJaQ-qqZogw#/registration

Evolve Group Coaching - https://evolveventurestech.com/evolve-group-coaching/

📽️ Insightful films. Meaningful growth. Join our Evolve Movie Club - https://forms.gle/bBZUbFEeD2ijypCT7

🌱 The #YouDoYou Therapy Program gives you support when and how you need it. No pressure. Just real help. Start your free 7-day trial today - https://buy.stripe.com/fZe8Avdfx8bW9gcfZc

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Show notes:
(4:15) The reality behind new parenthood
(6:08) Why fathers need deeper preparation
(9:45) Amanda highlights the impact of group coaching with Evolve Ventures, sharing how it has significantly contributed to her personal growth.
(10:30) Parenting beyond old relationship roles
(15:49) Getting over yourself before parenthood
(18:10) Anticipating your partner’s hidden needs
(20:13) Having the hard talks early
(21:40) Protecting the rhythm of the home
(24:45) Outro

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(Stay tuned for this coming Monday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) Great relationships, great marriages, great parenting. (0:05) These things don't just happen. (0:07) They take a lot of conscious effort and attention.(0:12) And you need to learn how.

Emilia Smith

(0:15) If you and your partner are expecting and you want to be the best partner ever, or even just like a great partner, a good partner, do not miss out on the three tips that we'll be sharing in this episode.

Bianca Thomas

(0:27) Most of us are looking for hope. (0:30) Answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay, and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:39) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day, where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives.(0:50) It's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:55) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings, just like you. (1:03) Every Monday and Thursdays where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be.

Bianca Thomas

(1:16) My name's Emilia. (1:17) And I'm Bianca.

Emilia Smith

(1:18) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:24) Let's get into it.

Bianca Thomas

(1:25) Hey everybody. (1:26) It's Bianca.

Emilia Smith

(1:27) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:29) It's Emilia for episode 508. (1:32) How to be the best postpartum partner, might I say ever, is what we are going to be diving into, into this episode.(1:40) And the reason for that is I have a ton of clients that are in the phase right now of consciously conceiving a child are, um, for lack of better words, trying to be the best conscious parents that they can be. (1:57) And in my work with conscious couples, it has been a privilege and honor to see some of the behind the scenes challenges that new parents, expecting parents are really having in the modern day that we are living in. (2:13) And so after a plethora of discussions with so many conscious couples that want to do better and yet have a tremendous struggle with doing so, I want to bring to the table a conversation around how to actually be the best postpartum you can be.(2:29) Because what I found time and time again is the undercurrent that no one really had a conversation with these parents about how to be that best postpartum partner. (2:42) And if you don't decide in advance to do so, your behaviors, your attention, your time, your conscious energy and focus will not be as optimized and as dialed in as it needs to be when the time matters. (2:55) So let's have a discussion about this.(2:57) If you're expecting, I'm going to give three tips to that. (3:00) I found really, really helpful for those couples that I've been working with that have been expecting and, um, also have children. (3:08) So Bianca, last night I was on my walk.(3:09) And I pull up on my WhatsApp, this video of one of my clients and their child. (3:16) It's just this blob of their child. (3:18) And she's like, she's three and a half months old right now.(3:22) So she just like the blob of the, the cute dough girl, like squishy face, just like blob squirming around. (3:30) Like, and the mom is sending me a video saying, say, say hi, Amelia, say hi, Amelia. (3:36) And I'm like, just, oh my God, my heart is melting and the little face of this girl is just smiling.(3:42) And you can tell like, she knows my name and it was just the cutest thing. (3:47) Like I such a smush. (3:48) Anyways, why I say that is because having that space in the hearts and minds and souls of people where their children quite literally will get to benefit as a result of some of these things, there couldn't be a more meaningful impact in the world, right?(4:04) This is like everything that I have been playing for. (4:07) So to that end, it's not always those cute moments and babies let's be real though. (4:15) I can't speak from personal experience as I am not a mother yet.(4:18) I have had so many times behind the scenes with the crying, (4:23) the devastation, the postpartum depression, mothers, fathers, (4:27) stressed out fighting conflicts, challenges, sleep deprived, you name it, (4:31) under supported and chronically devastated because what they thought, (4:36) uh, parenting was going to be like, (4:38) was going to be very much in alignment with, uh, (4:41) all the glamor stories that they see on social media and or are told and what (4:46) the reality is quite far from that. (4:48) So let's get into that with these.

Bianca Thomas

(4:53) You mean social media and the media and all of these different outlets aren't telling the truth and the reality of what life is like they're lying.

Emilia Smith

(5:03) I mean, it's, I don't know if it's a blatant lie or a conscious omission. (5:09) So for example, there's this one thing, and then we'll kind of get into the tips. (5:12) One of the clients that I have that, um, recently had a child.(5:18) I, I asked, you know, we were going through the birth process and everything that it was like, and she described, she goes, no one ever told me pushing out a child is like pushing a porcupine out of your ass. (5:32) I died laughing. (5:34) And so, uh, slightly graphic, but I can only like, I love how blatant like she is one of those, like just brutally, ridiculously honest clients.(5:46) Oh, I can't even imagine. (5:48) So shout out to all the moms that are not only having a vaginal birth, but doing C-session and carrying children and in general, and shout out to the dads that are supporting the mood swings, the, the crash off after birth of hormones and just how devastating that whole process can be obviously with the glimmers sprinkled throughout. (6:08) So one of the biggest tips that I want to give, especially hearing from the dads.(6:14) So I was telling this to you Bianca right before we jumped on the mics. (6:17) If I could put a pie chart on the screen that showcases all of the women, statistically speaking, the amount of time, conscious energy, effort, and focal point, time and attention that is dedicated throughout a woman's lifetime to becoming a mother, right? (6:35) That like becoming conscious focus, not just like the nine months before, but in their entire life.(6:43) And I could put that on a pie chart in comparison to the fathers and the time and attention and energy that they have invested in becoming a father. (6:54) It's wildly disproportionate. (6:57) And I mentioned that not to slander or shame or anything like that, but more so just to acknowledge a reality that is existing.(7:04) That is where some of the struggle points are happening before couples even realize it. (7:10) So you have so many couples that are starting to plan for family and yet, and this is not all cases. (7:21) So I acknowledge that, but you have a lot of data points that the future mother will have and a lot of clarity and direction that the future mother will have in her quote unquote preparation.(7:32) It's like preparing for a life marathon, right? (7:35) And yet the data points that dad has is, is just not there nearly as much. (7:40) We could break down a thousand different reasons as to why, but that, (7:44) that's where my professional concern lies because to be the best postpartum (7:48) partner ever, (7:49) and to be your version of the best partner to when that child comes into the (7:55) world, when the mother is supported and taken care of, (7:59) the studies continuously show baby has a, (8:03) the best chance for their development, (8:07) their nervous system, (8:08) everything that is in the most intensive growth phase in their entire life. (8:13) When mom has the support and is taken care of, everything is going to be better for you and your child and your family.(8:22) But dads have not been taught nearly as much as they need to know when it comes to what does that support actually look like? (8:29) And the specific clarity of stepping in and learning how to anticipate the needs of mom, of baby and of the situation. (8:39) I'll give a tiny example just to kind of paint the picture.(8:43) So you all of a sudden are leaving the hospital or leaving wherever you choose to give birth. (8:49) And mom's coming out and mom is trying to figure out just how to walk and likely is getting either wheelchaired out or some sort of situation where she's trying to figure out how to navigate her body. (9:04) And it's time for you to bring your baby home.(9:07) And no one's giving you this quote unquote how to, take care of your child. (9:14) It's kind of like, Oh, good luck. (9:16) And then all of a sudden you get home and mom is having a plethora of needs as his baby.(9:24) Mom is focused on taking care of baby's needs, not on you dear partner. (9:29) And you might have animals in the household. (9:32) You might have people that want to come over and see your baby.(9:36) What does dad do to support those moments? (9:39) And the following moments matters so much for the foundation of the family.

Amanda

(9:45) My name is Mandy and I'm here to chat with you about group coaching with Evolve Adventures. (9:51) I signed up for group coaching because I was looking to connect with other people who were going through similar struggles that I was. (9:58) It was really nice to see that I was not the only person feeling the way I felt having the thoughts that I was having or having the same struggles.(10:06) It was really empowering to be able to connect to other people, share our journeys, kind of just grow together. (10:12) All of us are coming from so many different walks of life. (10:14) And that's really what I think made group coaching such an amazing experience for me because I definitely learn through stories and experiences.(10:22) So getting to hear other people's perspectives and their experiences definitely helps me grow. (10:27) Highly, highly recommend group coaching. (10:28) It was so good.

Bianca Thomas

(10:30) We did an episode, the one prior to this on the patriarchy. (10:36) And if we are following traditional patriarchal norms and standards, men are typically not, men have typically not been responsible at all for child rearing, childcare, things like that. (10:51) So there has been this ongoing narrative that men do not need to prepare for things like this, the way that women do because the sole responsibility of the child is the mother.(11:03) That is not the way that the world is anymore. (11:08) Like it takes two people to bring a child into this world and it's going to take both of you doing every single thing that you can to learn, to better yourself, to equip yourself. (11:21) I mean, even what you do prior to attempting to get pregnant.(11:26) I saw this video and it was amazing. (11:28) This guy was talking about the fact that women and the things that they have to go through during the nine months while carrying a fetus and then carrying that fetus to term is amazing. (11:43) And yet how many men have really thought about, okay, well the nine months before we're going to get you pregnant, what am I doing to my body?(11:52) Am I being mindful of what I'm consuming, what I'm ingesting, my health habits, my sleep habits? (11:58) So on and so forth because that is going to impact your sperm, which is then going to impact the development of this fetus and what this fetus develops into. (12:08) So this isn't to be a male bashing session because we are so vehemently against that here, especially since a majority of our clients are male here at Evolve, which is amazing.(12:20) It's amazing guys.

Amanda

(12:22) We do.

Bianca Thomas

(12:22) We love men so deeply and we want men to be better and men want men to be better so for the guys out there, Amelia, I know you have three specific tips that you are going to bring forward, but the one thing that I want to make sure that I, I say is we all have to do better. (12:43) Like I highly doubt men are sitting there like, yeah, I want to be an absentee piece of shit father and not care at all about my kids and I don't want to care about my wife. (12:53) Like I highly, or my partner, I highly doubt that.(12:57) I highly doubt that. (12:59) I mean, maybe some, but like that is not the majority from what we have seen here at Evolve. (13:05) Men deeply want to do better.(13:09) They just don't know how and they don't feel safe enough asking for the resources because men are supposed to be alpha and men know everything and it's just not the reality. (13:21) So like as women, we have to do our part to help facilitate that, to make it safe and men, you need to not for nothing, kind of get over yourself and go ask for help and go get the resources, go do your research, go do the things that are going to equip you to take care of your body better to help rear, like do child rearing so that it's not just all on mom. (13:52) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(13:53) I love that you said that, especially because of the fact that there's, there's a whole fertility like 35 page document that I've shared with parents who are not yet parents, but are ready to dial it in. (14:09) So conscious couples that eventually want to become the best parent ever and they are ready to devote their entire conscious thought in the now as an adult to becoming the best version of themselves, that their child eventually when they do choose to conceive are like have the best chances of, of having the best life. (14:28) Right?(14:28) Like so it breaks down essentially the, the effect of sperm quality on the fetus. (14:35) And a lot of people think that it's just the mother, but actually studies show that sperm quality has a plethora of data points that showcase the, the, the quality, not just of the sperm and of the egg and the fetus, but the full development of, and the male's habits because there's such a mirror neuroning happening between partners. (14:59) When mom is experiencing hormonal shifts, obviously that's going to come up in her day to day experience with future dad.(15:09) And so dad is going to have to experience some shift in his nervous system. (15:14) And what's wild is men have no idea, but approximately 10% and plus new fathers actually experienced postpartum depression. (15:22) The risks of that peak around the three to six months after birth.(15:28) And usually what that is, what's happening underneath that is a ton of sadness and what that comes out and how that manifests is an anger and irritability. (15:38) If mom has postpartum depression, father's chances of having postpartum depression increases to 50% impacting the child development and family dynamics. (15:48) Exactly.(15:49) So to your point, Bianca, my first tip as well is let's get over ourselves. (15:55) Let's realize that it takes the village, right? (15:58) And what I mean by that is there are thousands and millions of resources available by a click of a finger and your time and attention allocated to that.(16:06) Get rid of your video games, get rid of all the things like the news and social media and reprogram your feeds to focus on child development, healthy habit making for the best version of you. (16:18) Get a coach, get a therapist, get people in your corner that are going to make sure that you are held accountable to the best version of yourself. (16:26) And so my first tip is prep and research research to that thing that I brought up earlier, the time, the pie chart of people's conscious and focus allocated to the being the best parent.(16:39) Oftentimes there's a big chunk of that that is required in there to be the best version of yourself. (16:45) And you can't do that if you're not humble, if you're not open minded to really applying yourself to the research. (16:52) And so what that looks like for postpartum partners is literally doing the research even before you conceive and you're not ever done with the research.(17:01) Research is always progressing and there's new findings coming out all the time. (17:06) So it is, we behoove you and it is your responsibility as a parent. (17:11) You do not get to in the 21st century have this.(17:14) We did our best narrative that is absolute horse crap in my opinion right now because we have more access to information and know the doctors aren't going to be giving you a pamphlet on how to be the best person. (17:27) It is your responsibility and you can not abdicate that responsibility because your dad, your mom, your whomever did not tell you how to do that. (17:36) That is your responsibility as a parent and you do not get to pull that in 20 years from now when your future children are having severe impacts as a lack of your focus on this because you decided to play your video games or you decided to focus on social media or sports or things that weren't directed towards child development and being the best partner ever.(17:56) I know that's harsh, but it's the reality. (17:58) And I'm saying that because I hear the men behind the scenes. (18:02) When I say that to them, they're like, yeah, that's, I wish I did that.(18:07) And they're sitting in regret. (18:08) So I want to save you from that regret. (18:09) Okay.(18:10) Tip number two, anticipation, anticipation of needs. (18:14) So your partner has needs, your baby has needs, and if you're not focusing on developing a skillset of anticipating your partner's needs, which by the way, if you don't have data points from number one, you literally are going to be on the struggle bus because you, I, I don't know how to mind read what she needs. (18:32) I don't know how to mind.(18:33) It doesn't take a genius to realize that there's cycles in your household, like laundry, like trash, like dishes, like food prep that are always happening every single week. (18:41) And it doesn't take a genius to pay attention to the cycles that likely mom has been taking care of that now she has to look at and feel this cognitive labor stacking up because all of a sudden you're not anticipating the needs of the household. (18:56) That is critical when you can anticipate the needs of not only your partner, but specifically the household.(19:02) What are, what are the constant cycles that are the rhythms of your household? (19:06) I'll give them to you. (19:07) Laundry, food, trash, food prep, and everything on the in-between, which is cleaning hygiene, right?(19:14) That is huge. (19:15) If you're not doing that and you're not anticipating that, your partner is sitting there and that is going to contribute to postpartum depression. (19:23) Why?(19:24) Because she feels like she can't get to the things that she's been tending to. (19:28) And she doesn't know how to communicate to you. (19:31) I need you to take care of these needs that exist and would not get done without me here.(19:41) So anticipating your partner's needs can look like everything from food prep and making sure that she has the right nutrients in her body, because that's leading to her breast milk that is feeding your child. (19:53) Anticipating needs about the boundaries, family members, people are going to want to come see your child. (19:59) She's going to feel some type of way anticipate that she's going to feel some type of way and anticipate setting boundaries around visitation hours.(20:08) Okay. (20:08) So there's, there's so much in there. (20:10) The last one.

Bianca Thomas

(20:11) Can I just say something? (20:13) Also you and your partner have these conversations before you give birth, before you decide to have a child, like what are we okay with and what are we not okay with? (20:22) What do we want to do when this happens?(20:25) Who's going to take what responsibility so that you're not having to mind read so that this isn't all reactionary. (20:31) Like be a conscious couple. (20:34) The two of you, because the two of you are deciding to be in a relationship and the two of you are deciding to bring a child into this world.(20:45) Do it consciously. (20:47) I'm with you. (20:47) The majority of the people who say we did the best that we could, it's because they did it reactionary, didn't actually prepare for anything and are trying to justify to themselves the decisions that they did not make by, well, I just didn't know.(20:59) I just did the best that I could. (21:01) No, you didn't. (21:03) No, you didn't.(21:04) You did the bare minimum and now you're trying to justify it to yourself. (21:08) Be intentional. (21:10) Be conscious.(21:12) Just like you're conscious about your car. (21:14) Just like you're conscious about your friends. (21:16) Just like you're conscious about your, your sports league.(21:19) And we're not just talking to the men here. (21:20) Women do this stuff too. (21:22) Everybody, we all need to be conscious and do this stuff proactively.(21:28) So don't wait until baby's here. (21:30) Do it before.

Emilia Smith

(21:33) And do that for your child. (21:35) Um, if you need a reason outside of just being a good human, a good parent. (21:39) All right.(21:40) Last one is take care of the nest. (21:42) So I mentioned this just earlier. (21:44) And so it's hopefully obvious at this point, your home, your household that you're raising the child in the nest, things will pile up as just a by-product of you guys, living the trash, the recycling, the laundry, the, this, the, that you guys have specific what's called lifestyle preferences and you attuning to what those preferences are, are critical.(22:07) So for example, one of my lifestyle preferences is putting in the dishes, putting the dishes once we're done eating and the dishwasher, not in the sink. (22:15) So that future Amelia has to take care of it, not in the sink. (22:18) So that future Alan has to take care of it.(22:20) So me sharing, Hey babe, after we eat, the dishes go immediately into the dishwasher to save our future selves a step while Alan prefers batching dishes. (22:31) He recognizes that the my lifestyle preference is actually more optimal for the rhythm and the heartbeat of our nest and our home. (22:38) So in the future, when we choose to have a child, that is going to be a conscious lifestyle preference of the nest that we are going to have a discussion around.(22:50) Because at the end of the day, that stuff will pile up. (22:53) If all of a sudden Alan just like puts them in the dishes or in the, in the sink. (22:58) Right.(22:58) And what I will see is I will, I can anticipate that. (23:01) I'll see that stacking up. (23:02) Right.(23:02) So it's little things like that that can go a long way. (23:06) And to be the best postpartum partner ever, I hope the through line is clear at this point. (23:11) And if you have more questions, I highly recommend that you reach out because guys, this is, this is one of the biggest decisions and challenges that you'll ever go through.(23:22) And more often than not, you don't want to feel like a disconnected team that's at each other's throat. (23:28) Your child will internalize that and they will see us 20 years from now and talk to us about how you guys didn't do these choices ahead of time. (23:38) And call out your bluff.(23:40) So don't let that happen. (23:42) Be a connected team, be a connected partner. (23:44) And the through line is becoming the best postpartum partner ever starts well before you conceive 100 to that end.(23:54) My closing episode suggestion is for a three, how to hold two truths at the same time, because it could be true that you're frustrated and it is true that you still have a responsibility and a duty to your child to be the best postpartum partner ever. (24:09) Bianca.

Bianca Thomas

(24:10) Minus four 57 polyvagal theory, the key to wellbeing.

Emilia Smith

(24:16) Fabulous. (24:16) Okay. (24:17) If this is something that you're freaking out about or struggling with book on my calendar, let's have a 30 minute conversation and set you up for success.(24:27) If you also want that downloadable file that I give to couples that are in the future focused on family planning, please send me a DM directly fertility. (24:37) And I can send that over to you has tons and tons of research backed into it. (24:41) It's been super helpful for clients.(24:42) Okay. (24:43) With that being said, we got to jump to our IgE live. (24:45) Thank you.(24:46) As always evolvers for your holistic investment, your holistic attention, the science of mental health and wellbeing. (24:59) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution. (25:06) That's why we created our free live virtual event called out of the mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 PM, Eastern standard time.(25:16) So that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are to extraordinary topics with evolved people. (25:25) That's what this event is all about. (25:28) What's great too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on.(25:32) You can just listen in click the link and the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(25:38) Be on the lookout for our IgE lives that we host every Friday at 1230 PM, Eastern standard time. (25:45) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun lighthearted way. (25:50) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses, and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(26:00) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(26:14) This content is intended for information purposes only. (26:17) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (26:29) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.