GROW Counseling
GROW Counseling
Practical Tips for Connecting With Your Partner
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Dr. Wendy Dickinson, founder and psychologist at GROW Counseling, speaks with Jackie Dunagan about how couples can stay connected during these times of Covid-19 quarantine (& beyond)!
Hi everyone, thanks for joining us on our Grow Counseling podcast here. We have launched the podcast with a desire to help equip you with some resources during this challenging time we are facing with a worldwide pandemic, the stock market instability, and all of the things that are going on with us being trapped and self-isolating and quarantining in our homes with uh sometimes really busy households. So, welcome to the podcast. I am Dr. Wendy Dickinson, a licensed psychologist and the director at Grow Counseling. We're a private practice in Metro Atlanta, and we have offices throughout the city. And I have Jackie Dennegan joining me today from our Alpharetta and SWANE offices. She is a marriage and family therapist and is going to talk to us a little bit about how to use the time to connect or maybe reconnect with our partners while we're in quarantine. So, Jackie, thanks. Thanks for making the time to broadcast live from your closet.
SPEAKER_00Well, thank you for having me. And um certainly it's uh it's at least a comfortable place to um to broadcast from.
SPEAKER_01So all the podcasts going out right now from closets all around the world. Why don't you just give everybody a quick snapshot of the kinds of clients that you see and the specializations that you have so they know what your background is and what perspective you're working from?
SPEAKER_00Sure. So I do see couples and individuals. Um primarily I see couples, I would say about 60 to 70 percent of my work is with couples. Um, my kind of niche market is is really step couples and blended families. I have a blended family myself, and so I get a lot of um step couples that I work with, but just couples in general and um and adults. And I usually do when I'm working individually, I'm still always looking through that relational lens, working with people.
SPEAKER_01Great. So you are the perfect person to have this conversation with us today. Um, you know, one of the things I've been thinking about are these couples that maybe don't get time to spend together, or you know, if you're in a relationship, I think it's it's common to say or hear people say that, you know, oh, I I wish I had more time to connect, but we're just so busy. We have so many things going on. And then we come, life kind of comes to a screeching halt here where we have nothing but time and we're we're uh self-isolating maybe with our partners and spending more time than we ever have uh spent together. So even though we're in a time of increased stress and um there's some other challenges potentially with children at home and that kind of thing, I wanted to pick your brain about what are some strategies, nuts and bolts that couples can use to connect or reconnect with each other during this time?
SPEAKER_00I love that question. Um you're right, that the couples are really struggling a lot to come together. And so what I'm going to throw out there to you are some of the the homework assignments that I typically give to couples and the ones that couples really seem to really respond well to and they really like. And there are also some that I use in my own marriage as well. So these we get the behind-the-scenes look.
SPEAKER_01I like it.
SPEAKER_00You do, you do for sure. Yeah, my husband will tell you he just loves doing these interventions in the car whenever I bring them up to him. Um, but he he actually does enjoy them, even though I might get a slight eye roll in the process of when I bring them up. But I want to share with you um one of the interventions that I typically give my clients, my couples, as homework in one of our early sessions. And so what I do is I have them download right in session the Gottman card deck on their phone. So it's available on Android formats and um and in the app store for iPhones, and it's completely free and it's wonderful. It comes from the Gottman Institute, and so I'll have them download it right there, and then we go through the one I usually start people on, and there's instructions for each of the individual card decks that are in there, but the one I usually start people on, it's called love maps. And the whole point of the love maps is that the love maps are a way to really get into your partner's internal world and really get to know them a little bit better. And when we're dating, we tend to do this naturally, you know, the whole thing about, you know, what's your favorite color? What kind of music do you like to listen to? We tend to some people do it naturally, but we tend to kind of slack off on that once we get established in a relationship.
SPEAKER_01It's easy when you have other stressors in the relationship or you feel like you know somebody for those questions not to be a priority that you end up just maybe reviewing your day or talking about the kind of not pursuing your partner, pursuing knowing your partner as much as you did when you were dating.
SPEAKER_00Right. And and here's the thing with the love maps is the more we get to know our partner's internal world, it really helps us to avoid mishaps. So just like if you go out, you kind of didn't have an internal map in your head of the world around you where you live. So if there's a detour on the street by your house, you don't panic and just stop everything, you know a different way to go. So the same thing is true if we really kind of get to know our partner's internal world. And the love maps are a great way to do it, they're exercise building, and the way they work, it's really simple. One partner will just read the questions to the other. The first one is name your partner's two closest friends, and then you have to, when you're the person answering it, you have to give it your best guess. You are not allowed to say, I don't know, because part of it is putting yourself in in that person's shoes, and there's no penalty for wrong answers.
SPEAKER_01So I will say, I always nobody gets zapped at the end of it.
SPEAKER_00Right. If if it feels like this goes off track, I always tell people, then please stop. You know, because it's not supposed to be like that, it's supposed to be fun, and most couples really have a really um a good time doing it. And I always recommend, you know, that they just do a few at a time.
SPEAKER_01So that's great. So love maps, you mentioned appreciation exercises. Tell me about how that works.
SPEAKER_00Yes, so appreciation exercise is um the way it looks is really telling our partner daily what it is we appreciate them. And there's two key things here. One, you want to actually name the trait that you appreciate about them, and then you want to be really specific. And when I'm in this in in session, we practice this using something from the past, and that can be a really powerful thing to do. But in the moment, it can be hey, I appreciate how thoughtful you are that you you opened the door for me, and that's fine, it's just really specific, but we we oftentimes skip away from that. But I want to show you real quick quickly the power of being specific. So uh if I say to you, and I'm gonna use an appreciation for you here because we've known each other a little while, and if I say, Wendy, I really appreciate how caring and considerate you are. I remember a few years ago when my mom was at her end of life and there were months in there, and I was kind of struggling through things in those last few months, and you said, You just let us know if there's anything you need. And I jokingly said, Well, how about a plane ticket to Pennsylvania because that's where she was at? And um, and you said, if that's what you need, we'll make it happen. And I was just floored, you know. So even saying it, I'm getting kind of you know wishy-washy. So it's such a powerful connection if you can be super specific.
SPEAKER_01Oh, thank you for that. I I feel moved just hearing you say that. So I can I sense the power in that exercise. And I I think a lot of times those are things that we think, right? Like we think about how great somebody is, or we think about the specific quality we appreciate in our partners. And it sometimes just stays there as a thought, especially if someone's wired to be a little more introverted, and a lot of those things that happen in their internal world. I love this challenge to say, okay, I'm gonna actually make sure that those things make it out loud so that he or she knows how I feel about them and why. I I I think that's a beautiful exercise.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I love that exercise, and it is so connecting. And it feels good to hear it, but it also reminds you why you're with that person when you say it. It really, really strengthens the bond.
SPEAKER_01That's a great, that's a great point. Um you mentioned when we were talking before the uh we started recording that about doing something non-routine and fun together. Tell me what your thoughts are about that.
SPEAKER_00Yes, so this is a time, you know, with COVID-19, um, that it's hard to get out there, but couples really need to be intentional about doing something new and fun and a little bit adventurous. It doesn't have to be parachuting. Um, it's just something that kind of I'm so glad to hear you say that. Just something that kind of gets the blood flowing a little bit. And you know, you can get really creative. I mean, you know, if you have a face mask, you could draw a face on a face mask and each wear it to the store when you go to the grocery store. You will feel silly enough, probably doing that and feel very vulnerable, and it'll be a bonding experience in a really good way.
SPEAKER_01That's fantastic. I love things that bring in humor. I think that especially during stress, humor is such a great way to take advantage of that. I know we spent some time uh this this doesn't have anything to do with humor, but I was just thinking about doing something different. We spent some time outside on our balcony, and I noticed that it just wasn't a very inviting atmosphere. So I got online and ordered a rug and got some plants, and we've made it this kind of little oasis, which felt really different from what it was before. And so it feels like we have a place to go and have some of these moments that we wouldn't have had before. Oh, that's beautiful. I love that. That's great. Um, so when you think about these are great exercises, what do you what do you suggest in terms of how often and how much time? I I, you know, just in talking about some of them are gonna take longer than others, obviously, but should you shoot for something every day or is this like once a week, or what do you think about that?
SPEAKER_00So that's a really good question. Fondness and appreciation is core to a healthy relationship, and we get out of the habit so easily, and it only takes a moment. So, for that, I want people to shoot for every day, and I want them to plan for the rest of their lives, not just during COVID-19. Exactly. And then the love maps, you know, they're more of um they're more of a couple's boost there. They are great for long rides in the car, they're great for just a lot of times when it's just the two of you and you're kind of thinking, what do we do? So I would say, you know, just whenever you feel like you need a boost, and there's some other ones whenever you download the card decks in there, but um, they just build connectiveness in a very structured, easy way.
SPEAKER_01So maybe instead of jumping right on Netflix, spend a few minutes talking about your love map or asking some of these questions to just try to build that connection before you jump into your your series that you're plowing your way through.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that would be perfect. You know, spend about 10 minutes doing it. It's not it's not a big chore. Like I said, it should be fun. So doing it before you hit that Netflix button, I think, is great.
SPEAKER_01What about the out of the normal, not parachuting, but something fun.
SPEAKER_00And parachuting's okay, but right now you shouldn't be getting on a plane, probably, you know, one of those things. But um, yeah, I would say maybe twice a month. I mean, this is more of your your date night. And we have to be realistic. Of course, we may say, you know, yeah, you should do a date night once a week, but for couples, especially if you have kids and active lives, probably a couple times a month is a good time to shoot for really letting yourselves do something different and feel a little silly together.
SPEAKER_01These are great. I love these practical tips and tools. I think most couples would say that they want a stronger, healthier, deeper connection, but getting there is the challenging part. So I I love these really practical hands-on tools for this is these are the things that are gonna get you there. So thank you for taking your time to be with us today. I think these are super helpful. Um, we also have some other resources on our website at www.growcounseling.com. There's a link on the main page for some COVID uh 19 specific resources, but we also have a lot of other ideas and information for couples and things you can explore. So spend some time there if you haven't already, and we will see you on the next podcast.