GROW Counseling
GROW Counseling
The importance of positive self talk - especially in isolation!
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Dr. Wendy Dickinson, founder and psychologist at GROW Counseling, chats with therapist Jill Howgate about the importance of positive self-talk, especially when we are faced with isolation from our friends, families and communities!
Hi everybody, Wendy Dickinson at Grow Counseling here. I'm a licensed psychologist and the founder of Grow Counseling. We are a practice in Metro Atlanta and we have offices scattered throughout the city. And today I have Jill Halgate, who is the director in our Alpharetta office joining us in a podcast. And we're going to talk about the power of self-talk. Jill, thank you for making the time to be on with us today. Absolutely. Thanks for having me. So you're you work out of our Alpharetta office. Why don't you give everybody a little overview of what kinds of clients you see and what your specializations are?
SPEAKER_00The office as a whole, we see literally every age and every situation that you can imagine, just about. I work primarily with young adults and adult individuals. I do a lot of work with folks dealing with change of life situations and also with anxiety. And those two often go hand in hand. So that's that's my primary caseload.
SPEAKER_01So we we, you and I were having a conversation about the power of self-talk that I thought was super interesting and would be helpful for the world to hear. Not all of our conversations are helpful for the world to hear, but this particular one.
SPEAKER_00Every now and then we have a good one.
SPEAKER_01Especially with the idea that we're spending maybe more time alone than we normally would, or we're less distracted than we normally would be in this uh isolation or self-quarantine that people are finding themselves in. And so the really self-talk becomes a lot more powerful when we're spending a lot of time with ourselves.
SPEAKER_00So absolutely. If I don't have someone else to talk to, I'm gonna talk to myself.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. And so, you know, we've all heard the saying sticks and stones might break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Do you think that's true?
SPEAKER_00I don't think so. It's a nice idea and it it it strikes for something empowering, but I think it's closer to say that the pen is mightier than the sword. I think the words have the ability to do a lot of damage.
SPEAKER_01I agree. I think it especially depending on what those narratives are that we're speaking over ourselves all the time, those are the things that we're gonna come to believe about ourselves.
SPEAKER_00Right. The good news is that I think words also have a tremendous amount of power to do positive things in our lives. But if we don't recognize all the time that we are kind of speaking this narrative over our lives and shaping a lot of our expectations based on the voice in our head or the unconscious kind of expectations, um if we don't know that those things are really exerting force over how we see the world and how we see ourselves, we're in a really kind of tough spot.
SPEAKER_01I yeah, I totally agree. How how do we become aware of what our our self-talk is?
SPEAKER_00It's a great question. I think one of the one of the potential positive outcomes of some of the the quarantine and the isolation that we're experiencing is I think it gives us a little chance, it forces us really to slow the pace and listen. And I think that taking the time to to be aware and to listen for it gives us a chance to to hear that. Um I think the dialogue to to listen for things that that when we hear ourselves saying, Oh, what was I thinking? Or I can't believe I've screwed this up, some of these unspoken beliefs or expectations, they're gonna think that fill in the blank. Or sometimes we literally talk to ourselves and I've heard myself, you know, kind of murmuring as I'm walking through the house, that's an easier sign. But I think just for kind of these messages that that show up and to to listen for them and to also look around and kind of try to to vet those against what we're seeing. It's am I telling myself one thing, but I'm not sure that it I'm really seeing that, or it's just I'm telling myself that so that's that's I'm convinced that that's the way it is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's great. I think starting to identify how we're talking to ourselves and what message we're sending is is really important. Um, what are when you talk to clients or maybe notice with yourself, what are some of the um ways that we talk to ourselves that maybe we would we would never say to somebody else or we would never them say to us, but we find ourselves saying these things to ourselves. What are some of those messages?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Well, I think we're super critical. That's number one. It's we are way more comfortable being critical with ourselves and without any kind of filter understanding, you know. It's I wouldn't say to to you or one of my kids or a friend or somebody at the grocery store, what how stupid are you? What are you thinking? But I said it to myself. See, there you go. You can attest to this. But I I say it to myself with alarming ease. And um I I'll I'll generalize feelings or expectations to other people without their consent. I attribute to them, you know, oh, they're gonna think that I am so stupid, or that I'm not even paying attention, or they're not even gonna care. So why would I even ask? I'll seem so extra, or whatever that is, when that's not something that they've put on me, and I haven't even really given them the chance to to either make it true or prove that it's not. Um, and I think we we generalize, judge, we don't fact check, uh, we allow our inner voice to just act real bratty and kind of to be a bully when when we wouldn't, you know, we wouldn't accept that from someone else. But the inner voice can take one small thing and make some big generalization out of it. And I rarely stop and say, wait a minute, it seems like like you're letting this get out of hand. I'm not sure that all that is really correct. I just kind of take it aboard and it rolls into this big negative ball of self-belief that isn't really fair or reasonable.
SPEAKER_01That's great. I I think that it is easy to let those things get disproportionately out of control without slowing the role or checking the pace or even asking if it's true. We just sort of integrate it into our story about ourselves and keep moving forward when you know a lot of times all those things that we've said to ourselves aren't even they aren't even true. Yeah, I wonder w where where do you think that comes from? Like why do we let ourselves why do we treat ourselves with less care, kindness, self-compassion will than we would if we're a stranger?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, I think one of the biggest reasons is because we can. You know, I I've if if I said something that's there's no check and balance. Right. Nobody in the the grocery store line is gonna just kick me in the knee if I say something, you know, I don't have the chance to to just walk away. I it's I'm there. It's I'm an easy target. And so people outside of ourselves have the free will to respond in their own way, and I don't. So it's just easy, you know, and um I think we we want to be accepted, we want to be um well thought of, and I think there's a uh if we criticize ourselves before someone else has the chance to, sometimes there's this idea it's I can get the jump on it, I can forestall someone else thinking worse about me than I think of myself. Um and while it's understandable, I think again, it comes back to it's not really very kind and it's not generally very true.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think it's fueled so often by our our deepest fears and anxieties about ourselves. And so it's that idea of like if I get ahead of it at the very I might fail, but at the very least I won't be surprised by it. You know, like it's sort of as a preemptive intervention with ourselves to try to how horrible we are on the front end versus it somebody else saying it to us.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. Absolutely. I've I won't have I won't have as far to fall if I've already taken myself down a peg or three.
SPEAKER_01But I think it does have confidence. I mean, you alluded earlier to it sort of shaking our belief in ourselves. I think that is a a big piece of it. What else do you see as consequences?
SPEAKER_00Totally. You know, I think it you're right, it it shakes our belief in ourselves. It's it doesn't encourage us to to be our best, it demoralizes. But I think it also starts to to shake our beliefs in others because we kind of establish this baseline for ourselves and then we attribute it to others, how others see us. Even though we've never given them the chance to either confirm or reject our our worst assumptions, we kind of internalize it, and that in turn, yeah, I think it fuels that isolation. Some of the social anxiety. I talk to a lot of people with social anxiety, and I think about it and I think if that's the way I talk to myself, why wouldn't assume that it does the same thing in other people? Why would I assume that when they say something nice or kind to me, it's that they mean it? It's real easy to assume that they say one thing to my face and in their mind they think something different if I'm doing that to myself. So I think it it makes it harder to to engage well and to trust others. And I think the worst thing too is it starts us on a path. The first step to treating the people around us that we're the most comfortable with in a a way that's not really nice is to do that to ourselves. And we it kind of erodes that internal peace, and then it makes it easier to be kind of snarky or less caring to the people nearest us, and then the next layer and the next layer, and it it sets us on a path to showing up generally in a way that is not the best of us.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I agree with that. Let's let's shift a little bit now that now that we've established that negative self-talk isn't negative.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, let's not do that. Let's we've got a problem.
SPEAKER_01How do we keep from doing that? What are what are some strategies that people can use for changing their self-talk, making it more positive?
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. Well, I the first thing that I refer to is the trifecta. So thoughts when you're having these self-talks, I ask myself these three questions. Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? Anything worth saying to yourself should be, you should be able to say it in a way that is true, helpful, and kind. And if it can't kind of hold up under those criteria, then it hasn't really earned the credibility to carry any weight. That's fantastic. That's yeah, kind of the the first swipe at it.
SPEAKER_01Um you're really talking about like observing what it is that you're saying to yourself, evaluating it. Yeah. And if it doesn't meet these criteria, then uh becoming aware that you need to shift it. Like the first step is that awareness piece.
SPEAKER_00Right. And and I think it is, it's almost kind of when you teach little kids manners, there's two separate pieces to this, kind of what you're saying, the content itself, and then how you're saying it. And they both have they both have their place, but they're not the same thing. And I think this really does get to that macro, that big picture view of how is how is my my content being expressed? Um, because if it's true, but it's not helpful and it's not kind, then there may be a way to come around that in a different way that makes this truth something that can be expressed in a way that is kind and helpful. It's so it's it's really kind of looking at how do we communicate with ourselves is as important as the actual content itself.
SPEAKER_01That's great. So is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? Build your awareness. Um, we talked earlier about uh saying things to yourself that you would say maybe to someone else, like is it as nice as you would say to someone else?
SPEAKER_00Right. It's one of the one of the things that I think about is would one of my kids in elementary school have gotten in trouble if they had said this to one of their little friends? And I think, okay, you know, it's a pretty baseline thing, but if if I would have gotten a note home from a teacher had my kids said this to one of their friends, what on earth makes me think that it's okay to say that to myself? Slow down, Jill, think it through. This might not be where you want to land.
SPEAKER_01That's great. That's great. I I love this idea of self-compassion. I think it's something we can probably do a follow-up podcast on it at some point, but just the idea that we're not generally very nice to ourselves at all. And so I think that the um, you know, the the self-talk is part of that, but I think there's a standards piece that goes into it, expecting ourselves to be perfect. Um and I think a big part of self-compassion, like really increasing self-compassion, is increasing the empathy that you extend towards yourself. Um, giving yourself permission to feel what you feel, and and giving yourself permission to fail sometimes, you know, that we're not always gonna be perfect, we're not always gonna be somebody who comes out on the top of the pile, you know, that there's absolutely curve, that we're not always gonna know things right from the beginning. And it takes a while to become an expert in something.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. And I think the paradox is that sometimes the feeling is if I extend myself this compassion, this empathy, it's gonna lower my standards. And I think that the funny thing is it's actually just the opposite. If I give myself a little bit of understanding and empathy, not only does it not discourage me from trying harder, it actually builds me up and and encourages me to stretch more, to reach more, to to to have the confidence to to say, I may not get it right all the time, but I can try. And and that that's not so threatening. And um, so I think that it's really really valuable in that regard. And I think too I've had a number of clients as we've gone into this kind of really stressful period, that they've been doing really well with anxiety, and then when they start to feel some stress and some anxiety, they've just torn themselves down to the ground, saying, Uh, I'm right back where I started. Look at this, one minute, and boom, it's all the good, the hard work's been washed away. And I think that when they can stop and say, you know what, it makes sense that I'm under a lot of stress. It this is this is a really tough time. I can see why this doesn't feel great. I can see why this is putting some extra strain on those anxiety management and stress management skills that I've been working on. That in and of itself will usually have a tremendous impact in lowering the anxiety that they're feeling. It it gives them a little bit of margin to kind of come back around and readdress these things in a way that feels more positive and more helpful, and they see more success from.
SPEAKER_01That's great. So, so, in summary here, we're basically talking about becoming aware of how we speak to ourselves, making a real um intentional choice to increase the positive self-talk, the self-empathy, self-compassion, um, and then seeing the impact that that has on our behavior and our willingness to try things, and maybe on our willingness to even fail as we we try learning new things or doing something that's hard or surviving something that's legitimately stressful. Well, thank you for making the time to broadcast live from uh Alfreda in your Roswell in your basement. My pleasure. We will do that again soon. I think we so far have broadcasted from your closet in your basement. So we're we're hitting all the corners of the house.
SPEAKER_00Garage next time.
SPEAKER_01I feel really good about it next. All right, have a great day. For those of you tuning in, you can find more resources on our website at www.forocounseling.com. There's a link right now from our main page to a resource page that has some specific resources for surviving COVID 19. And there are other resources on our site that you might find helpful in your journey to be the best version of yourself. Thanks for tuning in, and we will see you on the next podcast.