All Out in the Open

How do I reconcile my patriarchal blessing?

• Questions from the Closet • Season 1 • Episode 11

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What happens when you're LGBTQ/SSA but your patriarchal blessing mentions temple marriage? Dr. Richard Bushman, author, professor, scripture historian, and stake patriarch, joins us this week for an important discussion on how to reconcile sexual orientation with promises mentioned in a patriarchal blessing. Don't miss this episode!

Ben:

Welcome to Questions from the Closet. I'm Ben Schilaty.

Charlie:

And I'm Charlie Bird. Each episode we discuss a question that we commonly get asked as LGBTQ Latter-day Saints.

Ben:

We're not trying to answer this question or come to a consensus, but simply sharing our perspectives. Today's question is, how do I reconcile my patriarchal blessing?

Charlie:

So Ben and I are not terribly diverse, and we share many opinions and life experiences. For example, both of us love smoothies, and Jamba Juice is our favorite place to get one.

Ben:

However, there are some pretty big differences. For example, Charlie's go to order his apples and grains, and I always get mega mango. And I gotta say, when I lived in Bellevue, Washington, when I was teaching middle school there, 10 years ago, I would drive by two Jamba Juice on my way home, and I would often have the strength to not stop with the first one. And I would stop at the second one. I got like three Jamba Juices every week.

Charlie:

Well, and especially if it's Thirsty Thursday, what can you do?

Ben:

I know. Charlie, what size do you usually get?

Charlie:

I usually go medium, but I've been known to do the large. You know, I also like the, the orange carrot karma.

Ben:

Okay.

Charlie:

It's pretty good.

Ben:

So I did not like that one. I have a friend when I was living in Tucson, and she loved it. When we would go to Jamba Juice together regularly. And so she told me to try it. We went like four times and the juicer was broken. And then finally it wasn't and I ordered it. I was like, all that hype for this thing. I don't think carrots should be drunk, they should be eaten.

Charlie:

I love it. We, we could probably talk about Jamba Juice all day, I really quite enjoy it. But uh...

Ben:

Also, as much as I love smoothies. My family didn't have a blender growing up, and we still don't have one. Like I've never owned a blender, a blender. So I've never made a smoothie.

Charlie:

Thank goodness for Jamba Juice.

Ben:

Yeah.

Charlie:

So we would like to provide a variety of voices and perspectives on our show. And today, we're joined by Dr. Richard Bushman, could you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Richard Bushman:

Well, I'm sitting here in my study, where I essentially been sitting here for two and a half months. We rarely have gone out of the house. Riverside Park is right across the street. So we take a stroll there, but nowhere else, trying to keep away from all the bugs, that assault people, especially our age. I'm a little bit embarrassed to be in this company. I don't think I rank it for dinner I had not Jamba Juice, but just meatloaf and carrots and that doesn't seem to register in this crowd.

Ben:

But did you eat the carrot or drink the carrot?

Richard Bushman:

Well, I crunched them. We do have a blender, but we never put carrots in them. So this is where I sit every day. Work on a book on Joseph Smith's gold plates, and have a lot of business to do online with the Center for Latter-day Saint arts, which has been going for about four years now. About to open a gallery in Lincoln Square at Broadway and 65th in the same building as the temple. So we'll soon have a place where Latter-day Saint art can be displayed right across the street from Lincoln Center.

Charlie:

For those of you who don't know, Richard Bushman is also the author of "Joseph Smith, Rough Stone Rolling". He's extremely intelligent, has a PhD from Harvard, and if I'm not mistaken, you're also a professor at Columbia, correct?

Richard Bushman:

Yeah, I'm retired. But I was. I'm an emeritus professor.

Charlie:

And he also happens to be a patriarch, which is why we have him joining with us on this specific episode of the show.

Ben:

Yeah, so instead of talking to you about all the professional things that you've done, and all of your research, we're going to talk to you about your calling instead. And we're really excited about it. And we just want to say up front, that patriarchal blessings are personal, and they are sacred. And we don't want anyone, we don't want to tell anyone how to interpret their blessing, or to take away the sacred nature of a blessing. And so we know they are their personal and sacred, and we want to talk about them in a way that, that is reverent and respectful.

Charlie:

This has actually been one of our most popular questions. And I think a lot of people have had to wrestle with this. Traditionally, members of the church come out a little bit later in life, and in many instances when they're in college or after a mission, or after they've been trying to date for a while. In fact, out of all the people I know, I can't really think of anyone who was out as gay when they received their patriarchal blessing. So yeah, this has been a really popular question. And I'm really excited to hear your insight and kind of share some of our stories as we spend this time together.

Richard Bushman:

Well, it's a, it's a big problem. And then you hit the nail right on the head. Of course, that's a problem for all kinds of people. I think, in New York, along with the problem the gays have there, all the men and women who were promised they would be married and at age 35 they're not married, and they're beginning to wonder, "Did I do something wrong? Can I trust my blessing?" So it's a, it's an existential question.

Ben:

Definitely. Richard, could you just explain to listeners what a patriarchal blessing is?

Richard Bushman:

Well, it goes way back into the 1830s. It began as a Father's blessing, hence the name patriarchal blessing. But there were so many people who didn't have fathers after they joined the church. That there was Joseph Smith appointed his own father to be a patriarch, to give blessings to people, in which he would speak about their purposes in life, giving them cautions, giving them admonitions giving them promises about what was possible for them. Very quickly became very popular. Has remained so down to this day. There is an interesting book by Jan Aris about people who are leaving the church. And she talked to some of these people, and they had many complaints, as you would imagine. But one of the things they truly treasured was their patriarchal blessing. It felt like something important had happened when they received that blessing.

Ben:

When you were called to be a patriarch, what training did you receive?

Richard Bushman:

Minimal training. It's about like the kind of training a bishop receives. Yeah, you receive a handbook filled with all sorts of technical details, but it never answers the big questions,"How do you do it?" And you're encouraged to read other blessings. So you sort of get a feeling for the language that patriarchs in the past have used. And then you just have to plunge in. Claudia's, my wife's, father was a patriarch, and he had been very experienced in the church. But he didn't give a blessing for six months. He didn't dare give it. He was afraid he couldn't receive it. But the fact of the matter is lots of men, it is a man's job, receive training, they receive it as bishops, and stake presidents and counselors, when they set people apart. They're giving a blessing along with setting them apart for their job and their lives. And that kind of experience is the very best training there is for a patriarch.

Ben:

So just giving blessings throughout your life in leadership callings, that prepares you to know how to give a patriarchal blessing.

Richard Bushman:

Yeah, you learn the the art of sort of listening to yourself, trying to find the good spots and what you really want to say to the person.

Ben:

You know, I've never been called to be a patriarch, but that, the idea is actually terrifying to me, because giving a blessing to something that always kind of gives me a little bit of anxiety. Because when you're speaking to someone for God, that is just a terrifying thing. And you want to make sure that you don't say the wrong thing. And so I try and be really careful. But I feel like being a patriarch, giving a blessing that someone's gonna read and treasure for the rest of my life. It is just terrifying. That would terrify me.

Richard Bushman:

There's a huge amount of trust that's involved in this. People come to you. They sit across you at the table. They really want a blessing. They usually come when they have some need. And you, they're calling upon you, "Give me the words I could live by." At the same time you have to trust yourself. Because being aware of that huge responsibility, how dare you open your mouth and squeak a word. But you have to say, I just have to say it, and believe that God will be with me when I speak.

Charlie:

So a lot of the people who have come to us and send us emails are gay members of the church who have come out after they received their patriarchal blessing. And they're feeling some friction or some conflict there. Because in this blessing, which traditionally these blessings are guidance and direction and like promises from the Lord. And their blessing will say that they'll be married in the temple and have children and raise a traditional family. And then later they, they kind of recognize that they're gay and start to come to grips with that and there's some dissonance there. Well, at least for me, that's kind of mostly what I would like to talk about today. Because I think that's a question that a lot of people have. And it's actually a question that I was working through for a while as well.

Richard Bushman:

Well, as I suggested at the beginning, it's, it's one critical example of a problem that a lot of people share. One time, I had to leave the Sacrament Meeting to, to give a blessing as I was leaving a young woman, I guess she was in her mid 30s came up and said, you know, "Patriarch Bushman, you gave me a blessing 15 years ago, and you promised me I'd be married. Since I'm now 37 and I'm not married. Can you tell me what's what's happening?" And this began to wear on me. So much so that for a time I was paralyzed, I didn't dare speak about marriage at all, in the blessing to anybody for fear, they wouldn't get married, or they were actually gay, or whatever. And I really was tongue tied. And I have a stake president who comes around to see me a lot to talk about blessings. He reads them all, every word. And they said, "How come you're not talking about marriage?" And I said, "I can't. I'm afraid I will make a promise that will not be fulfilled. I just don't know what to do." And so you know, for a matter of months, I was really stuck with this problem yet I knew there were people who would marry and marriage would be a big part of their lives and, and I should speak about that. So once again, it became a matter of trusting myself. I just had to, what do you do when you give a blessing? You have all sorts of things sort of flowing through your minds and you gravitate to the ones that seem right. I seem drawn to the matter of marriage, I just say it and take the consequences. So I'm speaking from my point of view. You're speaking from your point of view. What do you do as a recipient of a blessing that promises you marriage with a beautiful girl God has preserved for you, and you'll have all sorts of kids, and your life ends up going in another direction?

Charlie:

You know, for a lot of time, I felt like accepting my orientation was synonymous with giving up in the Gospel. There was tension there, because it made me feel like, like accepting who I am, which is something that's helped me grow spiritually and brought me so much closer to God was also like, in conflict with blessings promised in my patriarchal blessing. And it made me question like, "Oh, wait, am I, am I on the right path for my life now that I'm openly gay, and not seeking relationships with women?" Because, you know, my patriarchal blessing says a little bit differently. And honestly, if I can just share a personal experience real quick, I remember when I received my patriarchal blessing, I was actually kind of disappointed, because it was very confusing. And I, I read it once I got the typed version. And I was like, none of this seems right for my life at all. There were a couple things I was like, I like that, I like this. But the rest of this, I have no idea what it's talking about. I ended up, I served, my mission came home was kind of growing into myself and being more honest about my attraction to men. And I came out as gay. And honestly, for four years, I did not read my patriarchal blessing because of this very matter. It just really stressed me out thinking about, well, what if I'm on the wrong path? Why does it talk about marriage to a woman, and it really confused me, so I just didn't look at it, it was just too painful. And I just shelved it for a long time. And this was actually a very recent experience, maybe two, maybe three months ago, I decided that I would read my patriarchal blessing. So I did, I took it out. And I went through it. And the first thing I noticed was that the way I had interpreted the line that I thought was about me being married to a woman and having kids in the temple, actually wasn't that cut and dried at all. And it was just kind of the way I was interpreting it because of you know, how I view the gospel and how I viewed patriarchal blessings. And you know, back in the day, when I got the blessing, I was so hoping that it would say that, because deep down, I knew I was gay. And I was kind of hoping that my patriarchal blessing would give me a little bit extra push to try to make it work with a girl. And so it was really interesting to see looking back that, that's not even really what it says. And I was kind of stressing out for four years for nothing. But also, it was incredible to see that all of the stuff that I was confused by, is now very, very, incredibly relevant to who I am now, and what I'm doing being openly gay and trying to hold on to my faith. So all of this counsel and guidance I received, that I pretty much disregarded when I was in the closet. Now that I'm out and kind of have a bigger picture of who I am and where God needs me to fit in his earthly kingdom, that information and those blessings are so relevant and valuable to me.

Richard Bushman:

That's immensely useful. That's a fabulous story. I hope you get that into your book somewhere.

Charlie:

Oh, the book's done. It's not there. Maybe I'll write a new book.

Richard Bushman:

But, but let me ask you this, about that. Here are all these words, which you had read marriage into. Now you're reading something else into them. Do you feel like you're being true to those words? Are you really giving them a totally new meaning? How much sort of wrestling do you have to do to get those words to work for you?

Charlie:

The last time I read my patriarchal blessing, there was no wrestle at all. And it was very clear to me, well, and and you know, another thing I think this is personal revelation, and we're counseled to read them prayerfully. And so I think it's, it's just a great practice in general to pray over your patriarchal blessing. So as I was going through it, I was praying about these specific parts that used to cause me a lot of friction. And I had very strong spiritual feelings that they were referring to certain family members and people in my life and female help meets that would help me get through the darkest times of my life, which is when I was really battling with myself, right before I came out. And so yeah, at least in my case, that conflict was completely gone as I prayed about it and kind of read it from a new perspective.

Richard Bushman:

That's wonderful. Have you met others who've had any experiences like that?

Charlie:

Honestly, no, this, I think it's probably just because we don't really typically share our patriarchal blessings. It's usually personal, you know?

Richard Bushman:

Well, I frequently will tell people, only half of the inspiration comes at the point when a blessing is given because the patriarch is only given words. He just says the words. But it's the person who has to find out what those words mean, in actual life. So you have to be willing to sort of let events reveal to you what's really going on with those words.

Ben:

Yeah. Interestingly, my story is different from Charlie's, but my patriarchal blessing doesn't say, I'm going to get married, although I did read that into it. But it does talk about the time when I'll be searching for a companion. And there's a, there's a line there. That has really been my, what has guided me for the last 10 years. It says "to find someone who I can love who will love me in return."

Richard Bushman:

That's good.

Ben:

And yeah, I thought, I mean, that's good advice for anybody. But I remember the last girl I tried to date, last woman I tried to date. And we finally broke up, I just realized, I didn't love her. Like I was trying to put something there that wasn't there. And so I've really never been in that situation where I, where I love someone who loved me back.

Richard Bushman:

So love is a good word. Love. You know what that means? That, that's a very, that's very helpful to me.

Charlie:

Richard would knowing someone was gay, when you give them the blessing change the way you talked about marriage?

Unknown:

Well, I think it'd certainly have an effect if I knew the person was gay. But I would hope that I would be able to listen to the language that's given to me. Sometimes it's harder to give a blessing to someone you know well than to a complete stranger. As you try to sort of shape your blessing to what you think that person is or should be. I think the fact is, I would use different language if I knew the person was gay. But I hoped that it would not lead me away from the inspired words. I, that's, that's so important to listen for inspiration.

Ben:

And Richard, this might be a hard question to answer but can you help us understand like, what does it feel like to have inspiration? Like, are you getting words? Are they just like, feel, like could you help us understand what that feels like when you're giving a blessing?

Unknown:

Well, I'll tell you a story. When I was first made patriarch, I got, I'm a writer. So I always edit my writing. And when I was first made patriarch, I would have tried to edit my writing, as I was speaking it. You know, something would come to me, and then I would begin to reshape it or have reservations and I wouldn't say it. And a general authority, Elder Kikuchi came to visit us once and talk to the two or three patriarchs in our area. And he says, "The brethren have one thing to tell

you:

Give voice to the Spirit of Prophecy." And so I realized that I just have to learn to listen to that voice and just let it go. And I have various images in my mind. One is searching. I'm sort of like, I'm in a room and I'm looking all around the room, looking for the space, where I should stop, and pay attention to what's there. And sometimes near the end of the blessing, I'll pause for, you know, 10 or 20 seconds. I keep examining the room to see if there's anything more and sometimes I'll have the feeling there's something more and I can't figure out what it is. And I say something to that effect. But it is, it is the familiar feeling that this is right. This is what should be said. And then you just feel it's right. It's partly reason. But it's partly just a sense that everything falls into place. This is what should be, should be said.

Ben:

So as you're giving a blessing, you might have this like feeling or strong impression that this person will get married. And then you'll put that into words as you're giving the blessing.

Unknown:

For me, it'd be more like I need to talk to this person about marriage. And then I just start talking. It sort of flows once I get into the subject and the stream starts, and I just say whatever words come.

Ben:

There's an experience I had that I wonder if you've had a similar experience where I was giving a good friend a blessing. And I felt prompted to say something three times. And I didn't do it. I hesitated and I didn't do it. And then as soon as the blessing was over, I told this friend, that thing that I had been prompted to say and didn't say. And, are there ever times when you feel like you, you shouldn't say something and then you just like hesitate and can't or don't?

Unknown:

Yes, not too often, but occasionally. But the last time I was interviewed by general authority because they do talk to patriarchs every once in a while. He said, "You are licensed to rewrite your own blessings when you're transcribing them. Don't feel like you, the words you're given in that moment, are golden and you gotta stick with them. If you feel a better way to say something, say it."

Charlie:

If someone is struggling with a specific part of their blessing? Is it like okay to just disregard that part for a little bit and focus on the rest of it?

Unknown:

Oh, absolutely. I think it's good as long as my view that events are revelation, as much as words, and that you don't really understand what is meant until the event occurs, and then suddenly, the words will fall, fall into place. I actually think that's true for the church. I think we are learning from history how to deal with gay people. We have to have an actual experience of it. And then we begin to figure out what it's like. And the experience will probably precede the words or the policies or whatever. That's certainly true with history. We learn from history, to be candid about our history, to be transparent. For years and years, we tried to keep it all tight, clean, and tidy. And we've learn that does not work. It leads to miseries. So we've, we've now learned to be transparent about our history. And it was a lesson we should have known all along, but we didn't. But then we learned it. And I think we're going to learn a lot of things.

Ben:

Let's say that there was a person who got two patriarchal blessings from two different patriarchs. How similar do you think those blessings would be?

Unknown:

There are faith promoting stories of people who say, you know, word for word, I had two. I don't think so. I don't think so. I think the Lord is able to reveal things through me because of the way my internal life is structured that he couldn't deliver, reveal to someone else. And the other way around. I think it's true for our prophets at the very top of the church. That prophets who have special missions, and they're able to receive those words, and they, that's their mission to carry that out. So I think patriarchs are very much enmeshed in a culture and in a temperament. And some could do some things superbly well and not others.

Ben:

Would it be fair to say that a patriarchal blessing is a combination of a view of the patriarchs life and experience and words, and inspiration from God? Is that what I'm hearing you say?

Richard Bushman:

Yeah.

Ben:

You're not just a fax machine that God puts words into it?

Unknown:

No. I don't think any revelation, I don't think the revelation of the prophets are fax machines. They are what he can reveal to them. They have their own temperament, and their own possibilities for disclosing the truth of God. That's why we have so many prophets.

Charlie:

Well and to that I feel like when I feel inspired, God usually inspires me through existing language and ideas that I've already developed. And there are rare occasions, when I feel like I'll get a completely new thought or something that just like, out there that I that I haven't, you know, dealt with before. But most of the time, I feel like God uses my existing experiences to give me revelation. Does that make sense?

Unknown:

It does, especially to me. I mean, people describe their revelations differently. But some people think of revelation as an intrusion. That is your thing, your way and suddenly, there comes something from outside you, into you that you would never have thought of on your own. It's totally foreign and alien you're thinking. And so you say God has intervened in my life and said this to me. I personally believe in infusion that is, I want God to be working through my mind all the time. When I'm writing Joseph Smith, Rough Stone Rolling, I needed inspiration all the time I needed every time I wrote a word every time I interpreted the document. And I think that's the way administration the church works. We don't just have section 76. But we have counselors, talking to bishops and working out policies. And we, we need the inspiration and the intelligence of God working in our minds all the time, all the time. That's what our goal should be.

Charlie:

Is it safe to say that a patriarch does his best to communicate information that God wants to communicate through kind of like the lens and conduit of his own personal experiences?

Unknown:

I think it's inevitable how, I don't think it would be otherwise. If they're really good. And I'm sure I don't count myself as among the really righteous, but I think every time I am, make an effort, I get more. I get things clearer but it still is mine. It still is my version of things.

Charlie:

Well, I'm just thinking about the scriptures right now, specifically, the Book of Mormon. The way I used to read the Book of Mormon was very kind of one-sided. And I used to read it through like a certain lens. But as I grew up and became more mature and understood more about who I am and my romantic attraction and you know all of this, just the experience of being a gay disciple of Christ, it kind of opened my mind to new interpretations of the Book of Mormon. That's kind of a theme I'm seeing a little bit in this conversation, at least that I'm going to take away, that if, if a patriarchal blessing is personal scripture, the meaning of it can change over time. And I can find new little nuggets in different ways as I pray about it and read it differently. And if there are things that cause me conflict, I can either choose to work through those, or I can wait and both of those are okay things to do, depending on how I feel and how the spirit prompts me.

Ben:

And just thinking back on my own blessing, like, I'd never met the patriarch who gave me my patriarchal blessing when I was 17. And it's amazing how this person who had never talked to me produced this document that has been such a guiding light and source of inspiration in my life.

Unknown:

Well, this is actually humbling in my case, because as you can tell, I say, "Well, I when I bless you, I'm just giving you sort of my version of your life, and hope it works out." My own blessing was a blueprint. It was just amazing. It said I'd be a scholar, a teacher, and educator. I was 14 years old, just barely into high school. So it's sort of a rebuke to my kind of liberal version of things that I just do the best as I can, as a patriarch to tell you what I can. You know, there's always the possibility if I were truly a righteous man just in the Lord's hands every second of every day, I could do a better job. But I have to trust myself, I just have to do what I do best as I can.

Charlie:

You know, I also think it's helpful to realize that God is not going to force a blessing on us that we don't want. He'll never infringe on our agency. So in my case, I think about, I really feel so uncomfortable with the thought of being married to a woman. Like, I don't want that. And I don't think, like if I'm righteous and good and seeking good things, I don't think God is going to force that blessing on anyone if it's something that, that doesn't sit right.

Richard Bushman:

Well, I don't either.

Ben:

Richard I have a question for you that that came up a few episodes ago. We had Becky McIntosh on. She's a mother of a gay son. And he came out to her when he was 23 or 24. And in their first conversation, she said, "Go get your patriarchal blessing. It says you're going to marry a woman, you're going to marry a woman." What would you say to like a mom who says, you know, "My child's blessing says that they're going to have this this future"? Do you have any advice or counsel for them without giving them of course an answer, interpreting someone else's blessing,

Unknown:

I would say to her that the blessing was given to your son, and he is the one who has to understand what it means. And he may understand it in a way that doesn't necessarily agree with the way you would understand it. And so you just have to be patiently wait for him to find out what it means for him.

Ben:

So let the person who received the blessing, figure out what it means.

Unknown:

Yeah. She may say it's as plain as the nose on your face. But the fact is, nothing is plain if you really think about it. All words can have a variety of meanings. That's the, actually that's the beauty of Scripture is words that are given of God can be used by millions of people in millions of situations. And they can work to inspire and guide them. Terrific questions. It's really been enjoyable to talk to you. I really have enjoyed every minute.

Ben:

Ahh. Well, the pleasure is all ours. Thank you for joining us today. Please remember that we do not represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or Brigham Young University. We are not trying to be prescriptive or tell anyone what to think or what to do.

Charlie:

You heard three perspectives, and there are many, many more. We encourage you to listen to other voices and hear a wide variety of experiences. If you would like to submit a question or share a comment about today's episode, you can email us at questionsfromthecloset@gmail.com. Until next time.