Become Your Most Attractive Self: The PIES

Want to know the secret to becoming your most attractive self? It's called the PIES.

What is true attraction? You may be surprised by the true definition of attraction. You’ll learn the basic definition of attraction through the four key pillars of attraction – Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual. 

Gain an understanding of what healthy, strong, stable relationships all have in common: learning how to be the best version of yourself. All relationships in your life benefit from this understanding and practice, not just the romantic ones.

Kimberly Beam Holmes

Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master’s degree in psychology for over 10 years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching the ways that attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reaches over 200,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best that they can be.  

Website: www.PIESUniversity.com

You’ll Learn

• Why people fall in love
• How falling in love begins with attraction
• Attraction is not what you think it is
• Why Physical attraction is not enough
• Why Intellectual attraction doesn't mean you need to go to Havard 
• The secret about Emotional attraction
• How Spiritual attraction has less to do with "religion" and more to do with beliefs, drive, and purpose

Ep 001: Become Your Most Attractive Self: The PIES, with Kimberly Beam Holmes. 

WE HAVE A NEW WEBSITE!!

Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!

Transcript

Kimberly Holmes : 0:35

Hey, my name is Kimberly beam Holmes and this is it starts with attraction where we discuss how to become the most attractive that you can be physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Or as this insiders call it the PI's, you can become more attractive to others and most importantly to yourself. We will teach you how. Let's dive in. Hey, friends, my name is Kimberly beam homes and I am so excited to be starting this journey with you of learning about attraction and understanding what attraction really is. To give you a little bit of insight and background about me. I'm a wife, I'm a mom. I'm a CEO of an organization called marriage helper that does amazing work in working with marriages all across the world saving and strengthening relationships. And I also have a master's in psychology. And for the past decade, I have been teaching other people how to be the best version of themselves that they can be in order to be better in their marriage and better in other relationships in their life. And now I want to teach you to do the same thing. I want to teach you to be the best that you can be to be the most attractive that you can be for all of the relationships in your life. Whether those are romantic relationships, relationships with your kids, relationships with your parents, co workers, as a leader, whatever that might be. All of these healthy, strong and stable relationships have one thing in common and that is that when you are working on being the best version of you that you can be when you are working on these areas of attraction that we will talk about in this podcast. Then you will be a strong and healthy person for the relationships that you are in Because all healthy relationships have the same foundational principles in them. And in this podcast throughout every single episode that we have, I'm going to be teaching you and revealing to you ways and tools and implementable tactics that you can be using in your daily life, to not only make you a better version of yourself, and the more attractive and most attractive that you can be, but to help you have the best relationships that you can have, because it all starts with attraction. You see, I started 10 years ago when I started working with couples and working with people and teaching them these concepts. It all started with people wanting to know how they could be the most attractive for other people in the terms of my daily job, so to say with the work that I do it with marriages, it had to do with people saying Want to attract someone back to me I want to attract my husband back, I want to attract my wife back for the singles that I have worked with. The question is how can I get a boyfriend? How can I get a girlfriend or maybe it's an ex that they lost that they're wanting to get back. And it stems usually from the desire to find love. That's typically what we think about when we think about the word attraction. Right? And my work and the work I've been doing for the past 10 years, I was, of course, mentored and trained by the amazing Dr. Joe beam, who has done amazing work in his own research and looking into how do people actually fall in love. And in his work and his research that he did, he found that there was actually four stages to falling in love, and that it all began with attraction. But attraction isn't necessarily what you think that it might be. Because most of the time when people hear the word attraction, they think, Oh, it's all about looks.

Unknown Speaker : 4:31

And they get discouraged. Maybe you have been there, where you have felt like you wanted to look better in your own skin, you wanted to feel good about yourself, you wanted to maybe lose some weight or see a certain number on a scale or you wanted to start eating better. But all of it had this basis and foundation and I want to change how I look. And I'm not saying that's not important, we should feel comfortable in our own skin. But when that becomes everything that we're basing our attraction around, then we are missing my friends. The bigger picture, we're missing, what attraction really is. So then what is attraction?

Kimberly Holmes : 5:12

I'm so glad that you asked.

Unknown Speaker : 5:15

When we look at it, attraction is broken down into four areas, four foundational pillars, if you will. And the first area is physical attraction. Now I know I just said it's not all about looks and it's not because there's so much more About our physical attraction than how we look, stay with me. When I focus more on how I feel physically, it's going to give me a much, much better picture of how physically attractive I feel to myself. Because if I'm just looking at my looks, I have a biased insight into how I think I look. I'm never going to be perfect in my own eyes. I will get to the point hopefully, where I accept everything about me, including my looks, but I'm not going to let that be the judge of every other area of my life and how attractive I am because it's not the most important area. physical attraction is really more about are you in the best shape and situation for your age and circumstances in your life. So think about how you feel. Just close your eyes and think about physically on a day to day basis. How do you feel Do you have Chronic pain that you're dealing with. Do you have digestive digestive issues? are you dealing with anxiety? Are you jittery or your stress levels through the roof? How have you been sleeping? Can you move? Okay? Do you like being able to get outside and go for a walk? Or is it difficult for you to even have the energy to get out the door each morning. You see, when we start actually looking at these areas of physical attraction, the the components that really start showing us if we are in the best shape that we can be physically, by what we're eating, how we're moving, how our stress levels are, how we're sleeping, how our energy and mood levels are, that's going to give us a much better picture of physically, if we're in the best situation that we can be and if we are the most physically attractive that we can be for our age and our situation in life. That's a more complete picture. I think all of us can understand that. The next part of attraction is intellectual attraction. And in this area of attraction, what we're really focusing on is continuing to learn, continuing to grow, or as I like to say, continuing to be a fascinating person. All of us have seen those people, right who may be beautiful or handsome or super sexy. But when we start talking to them, we realize there is no way we could carry on a conversation either because there's nothing to talk about. They have no interest in anything or at least anything we're interested in. Right? The stereotype is something like you start dating a jock who is super beautiful, but is really only has a one track mind on to football or soccer or basketball or whatever it is. And when you go on a date with that person, and that's all they can talk About then you don't really have that chemistry, so to say, right. And it's definitely opposite depending on what the gender is, it's not so much about the gender as it is about the concept of it. We want to be with people that we can carry on a conversation with. And even more than that, we want to be around people who we find fascinating, who are multifaceted, who have many different interests, many different things they can talk about, because then we're not going to get bored when we talk to them. And we're in when we're thinking about becoming the best that we can be, and the most intellectually attractive that we can be. Then it comes down to how am I continuing to grow?

Unknown Speaker : 9:13

How are you continuing to grow and learn and expand your mind and to become a fascinating person? How are you being intentional? With your thoughts with your actions? How are you You in connecting with the friends and the people that you have in your life around you. And these questions become important as we review and look at our intellectual attraction because we not only for other people want to be fascinating to talk to and want people to be able to talk to us and be able to carry on conversations. But it's important for us to have that for ourselves. It's important to also be intellectually attractive to you by showing yourself that you do have the ability to learn things and do things that maybe you didn't think that you could. Some ways that I see people work on their intellectual attraction is by learning a new language or going back to school, finishing that college degree. They always wanted to, or even people who have switched and said, you know what I did, I went and got my bachelor's degree in English, but I've always wanted to be a nurse and they go back And they do that. But you don't even have to do something as formal as going back to college. You could even learn a new hobby, starting up gardening or, you know, learning to bake or cook or woodwork or anything like that underwater basket weaving, whatever it is that will teach you a new skill, expand your mind and get you doing new things. And what's really interesting about that is the more that you learn, the more you want to learn, when you get stuck in a rut to where you stop learning, and maybe you get in this cycle of being on Facebook all of the time or Instagram, we've all been there. But the deeper you go into shutting your brain off and not learning new things, then the less motivated you are to learn new things. But the more you start even just starting small, maybe it's subscribing to a magazine or reading a news paper or doing crossword puzzles, whatever it is that's going to challenge you, and help you learn and grow, then you will want to do even more of that which is only going to make you even more intellectually attractive. And the next area of attraction is emotional attraction. And this one is typically the one where when I start telling about it and teaching people about it, the light bulbs go off the aha moments happen, and they want to know more. Because what's interesting is most of us don't even realize that emotional attraction is part of attraction. And in so many ways, it It may even be one of the most important parts of attraction when it comes to being in a relationship with someone else. And here's what I mean by that. emotional attraction asks the question, am I evoking emotions within others that they enjoy feeling? Another important question that emotional attraction asks Is, am I evoking emotions with myself that I enjoy feeling. And here's what that means. When I'm in a relationship with someone else, such as my husband as an example, there can come a point where I stopped focusing on doing the things that evoke positive emotions in him, like making him his favorite meals or kissing him goodbye before I go to work or asking him about his day when I come home or even just putting my phone down and listening to him when he speaks, period. The things that show that I like him that I love him that I respect him, the things that are fundamental into having a positive relationship with him. You see, when I do the positive things, then he has positive emotional attraction towards me. He wants to be around me when he feels like I'm respecting him when he feels like I'm going out of my way to do the things that he likes. He wants to be around me more. But when I stop doing those things, maybe either out of Getting complacent in the relationship, the longer we're with our spouses or our romantic partners, it can become less natural for us to think about doing those things because we get very comfortable in the stability of our relationship. And so we stopped doing the things that evoke those positive emotions. And that's not necessarily going to push someone away from us or make them on attracted to us in and of itself.

Kimberly Holmes : 13:57

But it can definitely get to where they don't have emotional attraction towards us. They're just kind of neutral. But what's even more interesting is most of the time I actually replace those things that gave my husband my romantic partner, whatever it is, positive emotions, I typically end up replacing those with things that actually evoke negative emotions, where now when he wants to talk about the movie that he wants to watch, I tell him about how stupid that movie is and how I don't want to do it. Or instead of thinking of him giving them a kiss before I go to work, I just leave. And I don't even think maybe I don't even answer his calls throughout the day because I'm too busy or, or I start nitpicking everything he does. When he doesn't do it my way when he doesn't do the dishes the way I want, or vacuum the house the way I want, I tell him how he needs to do it better. He needs to do it different, which now I'm starting to critique I'm starting to criticize. And all of a sudden, not only am I not doing the things that are evoking positive emotions, but I am now doing things that are evoking negative emotions, meaning he doesn't like the way he feels when he's around me, which means he won't want to be around me very much. This happens with children too. We can do things that would evoke positive emotions where we listen to them as they tell us about their day. We take the time to look them in the eye to connect with them. We Look at all of the pictures, they color over and over every time, all the fun and exciting things that they want to share with us. And those can evoke positive emotions when we do those things when we stop, and we connect with our kids. But if we stop doing those, then less positive emotional connections are made. But what's even worse is we could even start doing the things that begin to push our kids away. Where we tell them they need to do things better. When they make a B on their spelling test, then we tell them how they really need to make an A and they're grounded until next time, and we can't believe that they would be so careless. We begin to make them feel less than like they have to do certain things in order to earn our love, that we don't accept them that the way that we don't accept them the way they are. And then all of a sudden, we've created a negative emotional attraction to where our children don't like the way that they feel. When they're around us, and then maybe they don't want to be around as much anymore. This can happen with co workers. It can happen with parents, siblings, friends, any relationship that you have in your life, all of these areas of attraction matter. But emotional attraction is one of the most important areas of attraction in a relationship. But it's also important for you as an individual, because think of how many things you say to yourself that are negative, telling yourself you're not good enough, you're stupid, you're fat, you're ugly. I know I've said so many of those things to myself more than I could count on a daily basis. And when I stop and actually list those things out, which I did a couple of months ago. I went through a day and every time I had a thought about myself positive or negative, I would write it down. And as you can imagine, at the end of the day, the negative thoughts were seemingly pages long. And I was encouraged by a friend to replace those negative thoughts with something positive. And it had to be something. We believed it had to be something I believed about myself. And so one of the things I wrote was I have huge thighs. And I had to replace that with something positive. It was hard. I'm sorry for any of the men listening who don't understand. But some of the women I'm sure do. And I replaced that with. I have strong legs, I'm able to lift a great amount I'm able to deadlift 205 pounds, I'm able to squat 185 pounds. I love weightlifting. And so I had to replace that with something positive. And I put it on my fridge there was that there was a ton of other things I wrote.

Unknown Speaker : 18:23

and I as I was doing it, I thought this is the cheesiest thing I have ever done, but I can't tell you how many times I You've looked at that sheet of paper and I have thought, you know, it's true. I do have strong legs. One of the other things that I wrote was I'm not a good parent because I work and I'm not here as often as I want to be. And I replaced that with I am a caring mom. And when I am here, and I'm at home, I am a present mother. So I change that thought to I'm not a good parent, too. I am present when I am here. And I've made everything in my power to be present when I am at home, because when we don't like the things we say about ourselves, then we can start evoking emotions within ourselves. We don't like feeling and it's hard to get away from you. You can't easily escape yourself. Although you can try. Through addictions through food through social media through friendships that aren't healthy for you. When in reality, you need to get to a place where you start loving yourself. You start evoking emotions within yourself that you enjoy feeling. And then we come to spiritual attraction. Spiritual attraction is all about your beliefs and your values. And our beliefs and values can come from a variety of influences in our life, from our upbringing with our childhood things that our parents taught us when we were young things that we learned from friends in school, in our education, going to college or in high school, middle school, different things like that. Our faith background can have a huge influence on what our beliefs and our values are. And it there's no end or experiences in life, all of those things, beliefs, our ideas that we hold to be true, while values are the actions out of which we expect people ourselves others around us to act based on the beliefs that we have. Here's an example of that. One of my first memories of a very strong belief that translated into a strong value that I had in my life was when I was six years old and my family went on a cruise. We went to the Caribbean and one of our stops was in Honduras. So we got off the ship that morning. And well before I even say that, let me back up and say when we were packing for this cruise ship, I could not fathom being away from my toys for seven days. I just could not badman. So I took a whole suitcase and I'm not talking about a kitty sized suitcase. I'm talking regular adult sized suitcase, full of toys, baby dolls, Barbies, whatever it was, I was definitely a girly girl. And I brought all these on the cruise with me why my parents let me I have no idea. Here's no way I could imagine my five year old daughter taking all that stuff on a vacation with us. But for whatever reason, I apparently pleaded a good argument. And we took all of these on the cruise with us to which I never opened that suitcase or played with those toys. At any point during the entire vacation. all that to say we were in Honduras, we went down this river cruise, which is incredible. So all these incredible things. And it was at the end of the day, we were heading back to the cruise ship. And we were walking in these three young children, one of which was my age, one younger, one older, and they were selling seashells. And I remember thinking, that's really strange. Why would they be selling seashells you can get sea shells for free at the beach, that all of us were just out earlier that day. And one thing you need to understand is that my mother is a garage sale. She and I both we love a good deal. We love a good bargain. We hunt for them. It is in our DNA and we love doing it. But as we were getting back on this ship, my mom bought seashells from these kids and they were selling them for $1 each. And all I could think was why in the world would my mom pay for these? We picked up seashells just three hours ago when we were down at the beach. So once we had walked a little further away from him, I went up to my parents and I said, Mom, why did you just do that? And my mom and dad looked at me and they said, Kimberly, these kids don't have anything. They're trying to help their family, bring food home and put it on the table so they can have something to eat.

Kimberly Holmes : 23:21

And so that's why we bought these seashells from them. And it still makes me emotional to think about To this day, that experience I had, and the impact of what my parents taught me. In that moment, all I could think about was all of those toys that I had on that cruise ship that I didn't need. They were a drop in the bucket compared to what I even had at home. And there were these kids who not only didn't have toys, they didn't even have food for their tables. I cried then. And it's hard not to cry about it now. Because all I wanted to do was give whatever I could to those kids. It was an experience that translated into a belief in my life that changed. decisions that I made, going into middle school, into high school, into getting married, it transformed so many things, about priorities that I had, and about values That I cared about. I wanted to do mission work, I wanted to do so many things. But one of the most important things that I wanted to do from that was I said to myself, one day, I'm going to adopt, because kids who not only don't have anything but don't have parents, I couldn't bear to think about them, living their whole life not feeling loved, and not feeling. Not even feeling not having what they need to simply survive. And so that translated into when I started dating, and on my very first date with my husband, I had just got back from a mission trip from India, where I had been at an orphanage for a year. And one of the first things I said to him on my date was just so you know, I'm adopting one day, so if this goes any further, you have to be okay with that. To which he said, Okay, now, it wasn't long. He was all for it. He loved it. And we got married. And it was always known that we would adopt one day. And at the time of this recording, just over a year ago, we brought home our two children from India, our beautiful son and daughter, who are so much a part of our family. But all of that started from a belief and a value that was instilled in me when I was a kid. And none of that is to tout my own horn or anything because, gosh, there's so many ways I fail at this. But all of us have that something in our lives, and we have multiple of them. We have many beliefs and values, thousands of them based on experiences, education, faith, anything that we can think of, there are things that you value and beliefs that you have that make you who you are. They give you The things that you're passionate about, they direct the decisions that you make. And at the very core of who you are, lies a strong belief in value. So when it comes to attraction, we tend to be attracted to people who have beliefs and values similar to us, or that we perceive are greater than our own beliefs and values. Because at our core, we want to continue to be better people. We want to make a positive impact, we want to treat other people well. And when we live in line with the beliefs and values that we have, then we feel good about ourselves, we feel more in tune with ourselves, we feel like we have direction in our lives. But when we're living outside the lines of what our beliefs and values are, then we start to feel confused, conflicted, and we can be unsure of ourselves of our purpose. So it's not only important to have the strongest beliefs and values for a relationship. But it's very important to have them for you to live in line with your beliefs and values for yourself. Because it will change how you feel about you how you see your place in this world, and how you identify your purpose.

Unknown Speaker : 27:52

In this podcast, we're going to explore all of these areas of attraction, the physical, the intellectual, the emotional, and the spiritual. Or as this insiders call it, the pies. One of my favorite things that people will say and it caught on organically and naturally from the 10s of thousands of people who have learned about the pies is what are you doing to work on your pies? Every week? I am going to be giving you content, tools, tactics, resources, things that you can actually start you Using right now in your daily life, to work on your pies to become the most attractive that you can be physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Because when it comes to having healthy relationships, and when it comes to having healthy self esteem, and acceptance of yourself, it starts with attraction. It starts with all of these areas. So please subscribe so that every week, you will get notified when the new episodes drop, I'm going to be having interviews with guest experts who are the top of their field in these areas. And every week we're going to be exploring something new and different, that will have actual impact in your life, where you will be able to take things away and start implementing them doing things different changing behaviors that you have, and ultimately becoming the best version of yourself that you can be. It's called working on your pies. And it starts with attraction. So subscribe, give a review and share this podcast with a friend. So share subscribe and to join our tribe you can go to it starts with attraction comm to join the list so that you can get every Friday, our five line Friday email that gives updates that gives encouragement that gives tips of things that you can do to work on your pies during the weekend and over the following week. And you can see episodes you can see shownotes you can see so many fun things. It starts with attraction calm, but the best thing that you can do is subscribe and share and join our tribe. I look forward to doing this PI's journey with you.

Unknown Speaker : 30:26

friends I hope you enjoyed today's podcast, remember To go and subscribe to this podcast and leave an honest review. I love to hear from you guys. So be sure to go and do that. And it will also help more people find the podcast as well. You can always find out more information by going to it starts with attraction.com for shownotes for updates, and to join the email list so that every Friday you can get an encouraging email that specifically tells you what you can do to work on your pies so that you can become the best that you can be physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Until next week, keep working on your pies and stay strong.