Stop Trying To Fix Your Marriage Fast

Everyone wants to sprint through the hard part of marriage.

I understand why. When there's been infidelity. When trust has been broken. When you feel more like roommates than husband and wife. You want it over as fast as you possibly can.

But I'll tell you something that surprises a lot of people. The faster a reconciliation happens, the bigger the red flag it is to me.

Marriage was never meant to be a sprint. It's a marathon.

In this episode, I share what running has taught me about the hardest seasons of a relationship. You don't run the hills. You walk them. Because when you try to summit a hill as fast as you can, you reach the top exhausted, overexerted, and ready to quit. But when you walk it, slow and intentional, you get to the top with enough left in you to keep going.

That's what I want for your marriage. Not just surviving until death do you part. Actually enjoying each other the whole way there.

Then we get into your questions. How do you know when you've stood long enough after a divorce, and what's the difference between standing around and actually moving forward. What to do when your spouse files and you're the one who removed the obstacle. And how to hold onto your marriage when your spouse walks away from the faith that once held you both together.

We also open the word together in Psalm 139. A study on the God who searches you, knows every part of you, and still calls you fearfully and wonderfully made.

I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.

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If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.

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Transcript

From Rock Bottom To Growth

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Years ago, I was crying on my bathroom floor. My marriage was falling apart. And that was the day I stopped waiting for everything to change, and I started changing myself. I did it by working on my pies, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Am I perfect? Nope. Still seeking, still trying. And I'm bringing you with me. This is the Dr. Kimberly Beam Home Show.

Marriage Hills And The Marathon Mindset

SPEAKER_03 0:29

In every relationship, there's hills and there's valleys. You see, the hills are hard times in the relationships. They're things that we want to get over quickly, like when there's been infidelity or betrayal or lies or just really bad disconnection between the two of you. And we want to get over that quickly because hills are hard to climb. But you know what else makes hills really hard? When you try and sprint up them. I love fitness. Y'all all probably know this. But there's one thing I've learned from fitness that I believe is super applicable in this situation. There's actually a way to get through the hills, over the hills, in a way that's not going to make you really tired on the way. And it's ultimately gonna be better. Let's rewind. Let me tell you what that is. With running, you can run long or you can run fast. You can run a far distance or you can go for maximum speed. But it's really hard to do both at once. In fact, it's really not recommended. And when it comes to relationships, you'd much rather go long than go fast. In fact, I've had people ask me before. Just the other day on the show, I had a question that a caller or a listener sent in about reconciliation and if it happens slowly, is that a red flag? And my answer was no. In fact, the faster reconciliation happens with people, that is the bigger red flag to me. Because that's a hill. It's a hill that people are trying to get up quickly. And just like with weight loss or even with running, like I'm gonna share in a minute, the quicker you do something, it doesn't mean any of those things lasts. But marriages are marathons. You want this to last until death do you part. And not just hating each other until death do you part, but actually enjoying each other and having a satisfying marriage. So, what does this mean for you? Well, in running, distance running is what helps you to be able to actually handle more volume, more stress, and more load when you run. So actually being able to run further, even if you're not running fast, that is helping you on so many levels. But we're just gonna talk about the aerobic capacity. That is the biggest thing you can do for your overall aerobic capacity, which means that you're able to continue to run further. And that ultimately is gonna be the base you need in order to be able to go fast later. Now, speed work, when you try and run a mile as quick as you can or do sprint intervals, those things you can do. And guess what? You can get fast pretty quick if you only focus on doing speed work. But here's the thing: if you don't keep that up, you lose that progress very quickly. Whereas the more you work on having a larger aerobic base, being able to run longer and for further periods of time, even if it's slower pace, you're not gonna lose that quite as quickly. It is the foundation that everything else builds upon. This is how it relates to your marriage. You wanna be able to go far, not necessarily fast. The thing is when you get to those hills, when there's the infidelity, when there's the breach of trust, when there's the hard times where you feel like roommates, when you try and just summit that hill as quick as you can because it's uncomfortable and you want to get it over with quickly, it hinders your ability to be able to keep running when you get to the top of the hill. One of the things I do when I am doing my zone two running, where I'm really focusing on just being able to run longer, not necessarily faster, is I walk the hills. I walk the hills because on the hills I'm gonna exert way more energy. And if I try and get up that hill as fast as I can, by the time I get to the top, I'm gonna wanna take a break. I'm not gonna wanna keep enduring that pain. I'm gonna wanna stop. Whereas if I just walk the hill, when I get to the top, I'm still refreshed. I'm still in a place where I can just start running again and everything's fine. Don't you want that to be what happens in your marriage? Where when you get to the top of a really hard time in your marriage, when you are going up that hill, don't you want to be able to keep going once you get to the top to stay married, to keep running the race of being together till death do you part? That's what I want. And I bet that's what you want too. So these obstacles that are coming your way or that you're in the middle of right now. When you're in the middle of one, walk the hill. Don't try and run the hill. Running the hill, trying to get it over with quickly, is gonna lead you to do push behaviors, it's gonna leave you exhausted, it's gonna leave you overexerted, it's gonna lead you to do a lot of things that ultimately are gonna lead to when you get to the top of that hill, you may want to give up because it's been a hard run. But if you walk the hill, if you walk the hill and take your time, it's hard enough to walk. When you take the time and be intentional as you're walking up that hill to catch your breath, to make sure your form stays in shape and that you're doing the right things, then by the time you get to the top of that hill, but by the time you you get over that infidelity, by the time you get over the feeling like roommates, by the time you get over whatever the new crisis is that has come up in your marriage, you're not gonna wanna leave as much. You're gonna wanna keep running the race. So, what are the key takeaways from today's video? Every marriage has hard times. We're gonna call that hills. Hills that you have to summit in order for your marriage to ultimately get stronger, because that's what happens. The more that you go up hills, the stronger you get. And guess what? The more you do it, and the more you do it where you don't run at first, but you walk and you get your capacity up, you get your strength up, then in the future, the marriage is better able to handle running up hills in the future when those hills come. But you gotta walk the hills before you can run the hills. Walk the hills to make sure you do the right things so that by the time you get to the top, you'll still have the energy to keep going. Because marriage is a marathon, it's not a sprint, and it was never meant to be. So stop trying to get through the discomfort as quickly as you can right now, as hard as it is. Instead, focus on how you can do the right things, even in the middle of the discomfort. That's gonna make all the difference.

Walk The Hill Without Burning Out

SPEAKER_03 7:04

Now we're going to one of my favorite segments of the show, and I feel like I say that about almost every segment, but I really do love this part. The problem is we're struggling with what to call it internally, aren't we, Jason?

SPEAKER_00 7:17

Yeah, we have no clue.

SPEAKER_03 7:18

We have no clue. So it could be questions with Kimberly. That's kind of lame. Deep dive with Dr. Kimberly.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

Yeah, some alliteration.

SPEAKER_03 7:26

Some alliteration alliteration. You had one before we went live. You've gotta say it.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

Okay, it was a joke. But it was what did I say? Dynamic dialogue with Dr. Kimberly. That's a terrible one. We're not using it.

SPEAKER_03 7:43

Dynamic dialogue with Dr. Kimberly.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

I was just going for the alliteration. I was not going for Kimberly.

SPEAKER_03 7:48

Most people I don't even know if I fully know how to spell dialogue. Regardless, if you have ideas, put them in the comments. We would love to hear them. Uh, but let's just start answering questions.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Okay.

Standing After Divorce Without Regret

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Sounds good. First question: How do you assess when you've done all you can do and when you've stood long enough so that you can move on post-divorce with no regrets? I'd like to present my question for more than myself so that it may help any other longtime standards who are still going post-divorce. Background. Married 26 years, of which the last four of those years have what spent physically separated. We attended the online couples workshop in February of 2024. My wife at the time then called me in May 2024 to tell me she was filing for divorce. I was served in August. The divorce was finalized in June of 25. I've now been standing for over five years, and that includes one year post-divorce. We have no kids, neither of us uh had any affairs, and the main issue was a combination of a generous use of the four horsemen from both of us and my control in the avenues of financial, intellectual, and possibly emotional. Eventually she had enough and said the infamous words, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. She also added the words to the effect of, You're a good man, but I can't do this anymore. We don't respect or trust each other, I just want to be alone. I've been in the marriage over membership for over three years, have done all the courses and material you offer. I've also done several other marriage saving courses and other memberships over the past five years. I've read dozens of books, watched hundreds of hours of videos, likely over a thousand by now, and had dozens of hours of personal therapy and coaching. At this point, I'd say we're at most acquaintances since the last time I saw her in person was one year ago in the courtroom for the divorce trial. We didn't speak to each other at that time unless you count me saying bye to her as she left the courtroom courtroom at the end. Prior to that, the last time we interacted in person would have been in May of 2024, when she came to my house, which was our marital home, to pick up something of hers, and she was there for five minutes. Our last contact was three months ago when she sent me a happy birthday text. I replied to her via text, thanking her, and that's been it since. At this point, I have no desire to hit the dating scene as I still love her, and more than anything, I would like to renew our walk down the love path. I wholeheartedly believe in my vows and commitment to her when I said, until death do us part. I think that's why I can't give up. But the turmoil I feel inside is because I may be alone and single for the rest of my life if she never turns back towards me. I know you say that the standing spouse can remain standing until their reluctant spouse eat spouse either dies or marries another person. I could hold to that strategy. The alternative is to say to myself, I've done all that I can do and I have permission to look for a new spouse to walk the love path with and enjoy my remaining years on earth. I look forward to hearing your wisdom on how to work through this from all of the couples you've learned from over the years. Thank you, Dr. Kimberly.

SPEAKER_03 10:24

I would love to know his definition of I am still standing for my marriage. Because I think a lot of people have a different well, I won't say it that way. That word standing in action, in actual behavior, is probably different for different people. And I think a lot of people say, I'm standing for my marriage, meaning I am going to continue to learn things, pursue things, try and find open opportunities, to practice smart contact, work on my pies with my spouse, and ultimately get them back. But there's a focus, a primary focus in their life of bringing their spouse back being the top priority that they are focusing on. I don't know that that is healthy. I believe that you can, especially in the circumstance that this gentleman just described, where there's been an official divorce, which fine, right? Like at marriage helpful, we just say divorce is an event. It is not the, it does not have to be the end of your relationship. My parents were divorced for three years and remarried each other. But we also have to be realistic about the specific circumstances. There are no kids, there is no real contact of meaning. And so if you're just standing around, waiting, and maybe that's one way we need to think about this standing around versus moving forward. Because you can move forward with leaving a door open, but not staking your future on whether or not this occurs. And that's ultimately what my mom did. She moved forward. She got a job. She started dating. She, you know, was still full-time mom to the kids. She saw my dad every other weekend where they did the switching of the children for custody arrangements. So there were, there was an increased opportunity of contact between the two of them, but she left the door open. She worked on forgiveness, which was important. She worked on not allowing what had happened in the marriage to define her or her future. But she moved forward. She didn't just stand around. I can't make that decision for anyone, especially not this listener with this question. But I believe that the question you have to navigate through is am I just standing around? Or is it time for me to move forward and begin to live your life? It's your choice. It is your choice. You said I don't want to just wait around until she's ready because she may never be ready, while I could be finding someone new to walk the love path with. That's that's a valid thought process for you to go to. And you are not a bad person for beginning to entertain that idea. You have every right to. You are officially divorced and have been for a year. From what you said, you have done everything that you could, and there's still a choice that she has on her part, whether to turn back or whether to walk away. And so I believe at this point, listener, you get to make your choice. Are you going to stand around and wait for something that may never happen? Or can you begin to move forward, leaving a door open for if the opportunity were to come in the future, but not allowing yourself to be held back to that? It's a hard choice, but I'm glad you're wrestling with it.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

And

Addiction Changed But Divorce Filed

SPEAKER_00 14:15

obviously, I'm against this. This marriage is our second to one another. I have since removed the obstacle that was causing our issues, which was an addiction. I love this woman deeply and ready, willing, and able to make the sacrifice. Please help if it can be helped.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

Okay, so I'm I'm in I'm inherently confused about something that's happening. When he says that he has since removed, first of all, does he mean divorce has been filed a second time? You don't know. I mean, you're reading you're reading the exact same thing I'm hearing. Yeah. So that's the first question I have. And then the second question I have is at what point did he remove the addiction? Was it after the first divorce being filed or after this divorce being filed?

SPEAKER_00 14:58

He said he says this marriage is our second to one another. I have since removed the obstacle that was causing uh the issue, which was the addiction.

SPEAKER_03 15:05

But when did he remove it after the first divorce or after this filing?

SPEAKER_00 15:11

Uh I believe it's after this one is what it sounds like. This marriage is our second. Oh, well, he's talking about the marriage, not the time that the divorce was filed.

SPEAKER_03 15:21

So let's just move forward with the assumption of since the first time they got divorced. Okay, let's give that the benefit of the doubt. So he's removed the addiction. I wouldn't ask and the first question he asked was help me understand how to approach the fact that she's filed for divorce, basically. My first question is, well, why does she want out of the marriage? And I think that's where you need to start. Instead of, hey, why did you file? Which I guess is one way to get the answer to this question. But the first, the first thing I would encourage you to do is, and this is James, right? James, uh, what I would encourage you to do is go to your wife and say, Hey, I would just love to know from my own understanding and growth, what is it that has led you to want out of the marriage this time? That's where you have to start. Otherwise, you're gonna just go talk in circles, go around in circles trying to just talking about why are you divorcing me? I don't want you to divorce me. Get to know her real underlying reason. And that is what you need to address

How To Submit Your Questions

SPEAKER_03 16:29

first.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

So we have a ton of amazing questions still to come in later episodes, but we want to keep the questions coming. So, Dr. Kimberly, how can people submit their questions to be answered?

SPEAKER_03 16:40

Yeah, the best way that you can submit your question to be answered is by going and following me on Instagram. You can find me at Kimberly BeamHolmes, Kimberly B-E-A-M, like a beam of light, and H-O-L-M-E-S like Sherlock Holmes. Go and find me on Instagram, give me a follow, and then just send a message with the word pies, P-I-E-S all together, and it'll automatically send you something that you can then click and then go and fill out your question to be submitted. You can choose whether you want it read live, whether you want to remain anonymous, or if you would like us to call you, which we're gonna begin doing on future episodes as well. I'm looking forward to that.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Okay, so for our last question for today, this user wants to remain anonymous.

When Faith Shifts Inside Marriage

SPEAKER_00 17:25

They said, My wife and I had a really good marriage for 20 years when we shared the same faith. She has since lost her belief in God and now believes she can only become her quote unquote true self by divorcing me. She sees both religion and our marriage as obstacles to that. Since her faith crisis, my devotion and religiosity have only increased as I have relied on God for comfort and guidance. She wants me to continue living according to my beliefs, but having prayer and scripture study with our children has become uncomfortable for her. I still love her and would reconcile immediately if she chose the marriage, even if she doesn't have the same belief. In situations where one's spouse uh where where one spouse's entire worldview and identity have changed so dramatically that they no longer believe in the spiritual foundation of marriage, what do you recommend the believing spouse do? Is there any path toward reconciliation, or is the healthiest approach to simply accept their agency while preparing to move forward?

SPEAKER_03 18:20

I would say yes to both of those things. You have to accept. Well, you don't have to. You could choose to not accept their current reality that they have changed their worldview and their belief system, but that doesn't change the reality, that they have changed their worldview and belief system. So acceptance of that is going to be necessary so that you stop clinging to it so hard. At the same time, is there still a path forward for reconciliation? Yes, absolutely. However, the real question that I believe is underlying this whole thing is why did her beliefs and values change? Something happened. Something happened in her life, whether it was a loss of a person, a loss of a job, a loss of a dream, a loss of an expectation, a violation that occurred to her, something happened that led her belief system to shift so fundamentally. What is that? What happened? That's going to give you more insight and more compassion, honestly, and to be able to understand what her current mindset is. Otherwise, like continue to be your best self by working on your pies. If faith and a Christian faith is an important part for you, then don't hide that. Don't downplay that. You also don't want to overplay that. You don't want that to become a controlling or manipulative mechanism to try and guilt her, make her feel bad, try and convert her back to the faith or anything like that. But don't be ashamed of that. Instead, if one of the things that you're currently fighting about is you having scripture reading and things like that with your children at night, then try and come to a compromise by having a conversation, not where you're trying to get her to agree with you, but simply saying this is something that's important to me. And therefore I would appreciate the time to do this with my girls. At the end of the day, she doesn't control you. And at the end of the day, you don't control her. But if you can first start with why did this shift happen in her mind, then that can bring you, then that can bring more empathy and compassion into your dealings with her. And then from there, you'll be better able to have compromising conversations. Not you compromising your faith, but how can we compromise on some of the things that have to do with faith that we're currently disagreeing with without that becoming the hang-up? Your marriage isn't ending because she has chosen to walk away from the Christian faith. She's wanting out of the marriage because her beliefs and values have changed. That means that something else has become more important in her life than that initial set of beliefs and values. So for Christians, God, hopefully, ideally, is the most important thing in our life. Therefore, that aligns all of our beliefs and values around that most important thing. But when the most important thing shifts for you, when another person, a different type of lifestyle, the, you know, wanting fame, success, when something like that becomes the most important thing in your life, then your values and beliefs are going to shift. Something like that has happened for her. If you can understand that first, you'll better understand how to do the rest of what follows.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

We'll be right back after this commercial break.

Coaching Lab Wins And Who It Helps

SPEAKER_03 21:42

We have started something brand new at Marriage Helper. We're actually about to end the first round that we have done of this. We're calling it the coaching lab. And this was really birthed out of the desire to help more people have access to coaching and to community while also teaching. Teaching them a curriculum to help them learn what to do. And so it's been really amazing. And I am here with one of our coaches, Coach Meredith. Hello. Who I love dearly and is an amazing coach. And one of the things I just want to hear, Meredith, is of the about six weeks that you have been in the current coaching lab, what are some of the wins that you have seen in clients?

SPEAKER_04 22:24

Yeah, I love the coaching lab. I'm a big believer in group work. And I think the research will show that people can actually make more progress faster in groups. So I was quick to advocate for the small groups. So the groups have six people in them. I've got one group that has five. I've got one group that has six. And I have seen some incredible wins. I would say what I'm hearing from almost everybody in the group is I feel less alone. This is a safe place where I can come and process what's going on in my mind. And I feel understood. I feel less crazy. There are other people going through something similar to what I am going through. So I think that's valuable. But there's one client in particular that I've just seen her self-awareness grow a lot in the last few weeks. And um, she's one of many of us that when we're first going through something really stressful like this, we have a hard time slowing our nervous system down. And what I would say, what I would call responding as opposed to reacting. And she's been a big reactor. So her husband pushes her and she pushes right back. And this has been a pattern, right? And she's starting to really show some growth. Hey, I'm learning to pause and think about how I want to respond so I don't make things worse, right? Could even leave the door open to things being better. And she was sharing that. And one of the other ladies in the group said to her, I just want to tell you the growth that I'm seeing in you. I think that you are calmer and you're thinking through things in a way that you weren't maybe a few weeks ago, and that's encouraging to me. And then just watching her light up, she needed that affirmed. Yeah. Like we make more progress when we have people noticing the progress that we're making. And we we all need an atta girl or an attaboy. Some clients don't believe me on that, right? They're like, spare me the awkward uh compliments, but we absolutely need that. Yeah. And we weren't made to do life alone. So I'm I'm really excited about the groups and the progress that I'm seeing. And as we continue to develop the concept. Yeah, and I think it's I think it's really great.

SPEAKER_03 24:40

Who do you think that this coaching lab is for? If you were to say, like, this is the perfect person, if this is your situation, you're gonna get the most out of the coaching lab.

SPEAKER_04 24:48

Yeah, and it's designed for a solo spouse. So um, of course, ultimately, I would say I would love to see everyone in a couple's workshop, but not everybody is there. Um, so I would say if your spouse is not yet at the point that they want to do the work, this is absolutely for you. Um, there's also some clients that I'm seeing well served by it that, you know, maybe they actually are scheduled to go to a couples workshop with their spouse, but their spouse just isn't as invested, for whatever reason, isn't quite on board to do all of the learning and the the extra work and that type of thing. That's okay too. This that that type of client seems to be well served by the coaching lab because you you can focus on yourself and do the learning yourself, and that's gonna help you downstream. So uh it's a solo spouse program, but I would say anybody who really wants to dig in and do some do some learning, uh, I think it would be a great next step.

SPEAKER_03 25:48

Yeah, awesome. We are opening the doors for the next cohort of the coaching lab right here in the next couple of weeks, and it's going to be starting on August 3rd. And so it's limited in the number of spaces that we're able to do because there are coaches like Meredith that are, and it's limited in size for a very particular reason because you want people to get enough attention in those groups. You don't you want everyone to feel seen and heard in that time that you have together. It runs for eight weeks. You get the live teaching every week and the recordings, plus your your small group led by a coach. So get in now. We have early bird pricing, $5.97 for the eight weeks with early bird pricing. There's the link in the description below. So you can go ahead and click that and secure your spot for the next round of the coaching

Psalm 139 And A Heart Check

SPEAKER_03 26:36

lab. In today's study scripture with me, we are going to be covering Psalm 139. And I'm gonna do something a little different than what I've been doing in the other study scriptures with me, where the majority of this is just gonna be me reading what the word says. And I love this psalm. I'll give a little bit of my commentary afterward, but sometimes I think it's helpful and important to just let scripture be scripture and hear what it says for yourself and meditate on it. Let's read. You discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me to know. It is so high that I cannot attain it. Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there. If I make my bed and sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night, even the darkness is not dark to you. The night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you. For it was you who formed my inward parts. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth, your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God, how vast is the sum of them. I try to count them, they are more than the sand. I come to an end, I am still with you. Oh, that you would kill the wicked, O God, and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me. Those who speak of you maliciously and lift themselves up against you for evil, do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? Do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with perfect hatred, I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. One of the things that I love about this psalm is that it so perfectly encapsulates the omniscience of God, the all-knowing power of God, how he knows every intricate part of me and of you, and how he knew that before the world was ever even formed. But also in the here and the now, how he has the ability to go deep into our into us, into our hearts to search us and to help pull out the wicked ways within you and I that are keeping us from walking in the way everlasting. And it's something that he longs to do, it's something that he wants to do, it's something that is his joy to do because he wants what is best for you and for I. As Romans says, all things work for good for those who love the Lord. God wants things to work for good, not just for our good, but for his glory more than anything. And so my favorite part of all of Psalm 30, 139, is search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. My encouragement to you today is that you take some time to actually pray about that and even journal about that. Ask yourself, God, what is it? And not even just yourself, pray, ask God, God, search me. What is the way in me that is keeping me back? In what ways am I not living according to your word and to your heart? Spend some time really thinking about that today. You may be surprised with what you find. And not in a bad way. I would encourage you to not see or think about this as a self-conviction, although conviction that leads to repentance is good, but it is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance, not the negative self-talk in our head. The negative self-talk may be trying to bring something to the surface for us, but this isn't a time for you to just say and think about how terrible of a person you are, but instead just think about God, this is the way in which I am struggling. Help me see the opportunity for how I can grow to become even more like you. Now let's go to the rest of today's

Hot Seat Rapid Fire Relationship Truths

SPEAKER_03 32:06

show.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

Okay, in this segment of the hot seat, things are changing a little bit. Kimberly has knocked the other two rounds out of the park. So we're changing it up. It is no longer about answering a certain amount of questions in a time frame. No clock. Doesn't matter. You're just trying to answer the most amount of questions while on the hot seat. And this week it is a very hot seat.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

Oh my gosh, I feel like for one.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

So, this week, intern Lenny, will you bring in the objects for this week's hot seat?

SPEAKER_02 32:52

Okay. One, two, three. Okay. Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

Okay. There are three hot wings of three varying temperatures. And a glass of milk just in case.

SPEAKER_03 33:02

I hate milk.

SPEAKER_00 33:04

So, I'm going to rapid fire questions.

SPEAKER_03 33:08

I will thoroughly cook. Yes. Oh my gosh, that smells hot.

SPEAKER_00 33:13

Again, go in the right order. I am going to rapid fire questions at you. You have to keep answering questions until you can finish all three wings.

SPEAKER_03 33:30

I would have ran a half marathon. I would have done burpees for a mile. I would have done. But this is my nemesis.

SPEAKER_00 33:41

If I'm not on the show next week.

SPEAKER_03 33:43

You know why?

SPEAKER_00 33:44

It's because I've lost my job.

SPEAKER_03 33:45

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

Because of this. Okay.

unknown 33:48

Alright.

SPEAKER_03 33:48

Can I can I start eating while you and while you ask?

SPEAKER_00 33:51

Sure. Alright. What is the most overrated piece of relationship advice you have ever heard? Great.

SPEAKER_03 34:04

Okay. Most overrated piece of relationship advice I've ever heard. Find your soulmate. There are no soulmates.

SPEAKER_00 34:20

Okay, physical is the pee in pies. What is one small thing that keeps physical attraction alive in a marriage?

SPEAKER_03 34:31

Continuing to want to look nice for your spouse. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Okay, finish the sentence. The fastest way to kill attraction in a marriage is blank.

SPEAKER_03 34:47

To stop evoking positive emotions within your spouse. When they start growing to hate being around you is when they've lost attraction. You could be the hottest person in the world, but they won't want to be around you.

SPEAKER_00 34:59

What is one thing you believed about marriage in your in your twenties, your early 20s, that you were completely wrong about?

SPEAKER_03 35:05

Mmm. That it was gonna be like a sleepover every night, like really fun.

SPEAKER_00 35:14

What is one thing a spouse does that builds emotional attraction without even trying?

SPEAKER_02 35:18

Listening.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

If someone messaged you tonight saying I think my marriage is over, what is the first thing you would tell them?

SPEAKER_02 35:27

There's always hope.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

Are those wings hot?

SPEAKER_02 35:31

I'm on the last one.

SPEAKER_00 35:34

Is it hot?

SPEAKER_02 35:36

Nope.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

It's not spicy? I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. When you feel far from God and your spouse at the same time, what do you address first? Okay, that was the last question. When you feel far from God and far from your spouse at the same time, what do you address first? I think she means God.

SPEAKER_02 36:03

Feeling got far from God. I would address that first.

SPEAKER_00 36:07

Oh, it's hot.

SPEAKER_01 36:09

She's dying.

SPEAKER_02 36:12

Okay, the last one was hot.

SPEAKER_01 36:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:15

Oh, but I killed it.

SPEAKER_01 36:17

Yeah. You did it. You made it.

SPEAKER_02 36:19

Once again.

SPEAKER_01 36:20

You made it once again.

SPEAKER_02 36:25

Oh my gosh. It's like a slow burn. Oh, it's worse. It's worse not eating anything.

SPEAKER_00 36:35

We'll be right back. The next time you see us, we'll be in the next segment. I won, though. I won. She won. She won. Sure. You know, I think we all won.

SPEAKER_03 36:43

We all win.

SPEAKER_00 36:44

I think we all win. Okay. On to the next segment.

July Challenge Try Something New

SPEAKER_03 36:47

Y'all, those hot wings, they were pretty hot. The last one I ate. It left a burn. It left a burn for a little bit afterwards. We're gonna see what they have next week for me. Come back, stay tuned, let me know what you think. And don't give them ideas. Like more than anything, do not put in the comments what you think they should try and do to get me off my kilter for the hot seat. But here's what I do want you to do. The challenge for the month of July is to go do something new. New and novel. This used to be a weekly challenge, but I've decided that I want to do these for the whole month to give time for more people to watch and participate. So here's how you enter to win. And we are ordering the swag that you will win as we speak. There's gonna be hats, there's gonna be mugs, it's going to say stay strong on it. You can only get it by winning it from entering from this show. You go to my Instagram, you follow me at Kimberly Beam Holmes, and you tag me in a post, in a story, whenever you complete the challenge. You can put a picture of you wearing a new type of shirt that you had never worn before, trying a food that you've never tried before, painting, playing an instrument, trying to learn a new language. I don't care what it is, as long as it's new and novel for you, tag me in it. I want to see what you're doing. And maybe it'll give me some really great ideas as well. And that'll enter you in for a chance to win some of this custom. Is it custom swag? It's custom for the show. Some custom swag. So be sure to do that. All right, that's the end of today's show. So until next week, stay strong.