I Asked My Husband What Most Men Get Wrong In Marriage

Submit Your Questions for the Q&A Segment: https://bit.ly/3Tv4287

Most husbands have no idea what they're doing wrong.

Not because they don't care. Because they're convinced emotions are supposed to follow logic.

She shouldn't feel disrespected when I correct her grammar. She should thank me for telling her the idea was bad. That's not cruelty. That's a man trying to run a relationship like a system.

Today I put my husband Rob on the hot seat and asked him the questions I usually get asked. What actually makes a marriage happy. What men do without realizing it's destroying things. Where husbands go when they stop talking to their wives. Whether he agrees with everything I teach.

He doesn't. And he says so.

He also talks about the hardest season we ever went through, the year we spent apart, and the man he became when he got back. I share the moment I stopped trying to manage his emotions and started working on my own. That shift changed everything, and not in the way I expected.

Then we study Psalm 13 together. It's the psalm for the seasons when God feels silent. When you're begging for an answer and getting nothing back. I talk about Mother Teresa's journals, the practice of stacking stones, and why looking backward is sometimes the only way forward.

And I'm back on the hot seat, answering your rapid fire questions. This week Jason had me hold a plank the entire time. I made it 4 minutes and 23 seconds and he ran out of questions before I ran out of arms.

Keep sending the questions. Just go easy on me.

I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.

The Way You Show Up is for the high-achiever who is tired of "fine."

We're dismantling the average life to build an exceptional one—using the science of the PIES: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health.

If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.

New episodes every Thursday.

Don't just exist. Show up.

🔗 Website: https://kimberlybeamholmes.com

🎥YouTube https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kimberlybeamholmes

Transcript

Why Rob Is On The Hot Seat

SPEAKER_03 0:00

This is my husband, Rob, and today I have put him on the hot seat, asking him all of the questions about marriage, about attraction, about love, and even about if he agrees with everything that I teach. Listen, Rob, it takes a lot for him to get in front of a camera. He loves to be the one supporting me behind the scenes, but he is a wealth of wisdom, of information, of knowledge, and I'm incredibly excited for you all to get to hear more of him on today's episode of the Dr. Kimberly Beam Homeshow. Coming up, we're also gonna be studying scripture together. I'm gonna be going over one of my favorite parts of scripture for when I really just feel like God has turned his back on me. We're gonna be going over that together, and also I am gonna be back on the hot seat. And guess what? You'll never believe what Jason and the team have me doing today as I'm answering your questions in rapid fire succession. In fact, I would love to hear from you. What are some things, some challenges that you would like me to do as I'm answering your QAs for future hot seats for me? Leave that in the comment section below. But let's dive in to today's episode. Years ago, I was crying on my bathroom floor. My marriage was falling apart. And that was the day I stopped waiting for everything to change, and I started changing myself. I did it by working on my pies, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Am I perfect? Nope. Still speaking, still trying. And I'm bringing you with me. This is the Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes Show. So on the hot seat today is my husband, Rob. Welcome to the hot seat.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 1:51

Are you nervous?

SPEAKER_02 1:52

No. Should I be?

SPEAKER_03 1:55

I don't feel about you shouldn't be. Okay, we're gonna start with just something easy.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Okay.

Defining A Happy Marriage As Peace

SPEAKER_03 2:04

How would you define a happy marriage?

SPEAKER_02 2:08

It's not easy. Peace in the home. When you're around the other person and you feel at ease, your parasympathetic nervous system is enfolding. You know that you're accepted, and hopefully you accept them, and both of you feel very safe, at ease. I'm not talking about physically safe, like emotionally safe. I can crack a really corny joke, and even if you don't think it's funny, you're not going to try and humiliate me or degrade me or disrespect me, and vice versa. So in a nutshell, peace.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

I laugh at your jokes.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

You do. I can tell when it's fake. 90% of the time.

SPEAKER_03 2:52

My mom also laughs at your show.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

She's my number one fan.

SPEAKER_03 2:56

She's your number one fan. What are some things that husbands do that they genuinely do not know is a problem?

SPEAKER_02 3:06

Yeah. Being know-it-alls, trying to solve problems, trying to take logical approaches to how emotions are supposed to work.

SPEAKER_03 3:17

Taking logical approaches to how emotions are supposed to work. What do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_02 3:22

Well, she shouldn't feel disrespected when I correct her grammar. When I told her that her idea was stupid. She should thank me. That kind of thing.

SPEAKER_04 3:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

And really, if someone has good emotional and social intelligence, it would be a no-brainer that what they're doing is very harmful to the relationship. But men will often take a logical robotic approach.

SPEAKER_03 3:46

What shifted that in you?

SPEAKER_02 3:49

Realizing with time that the way I think it should work isn't how it actually works. And I can resent how it actually works all I want. That won't change anything. I need to change. I need to adapt to reality. In reality, if your spouse comes to you excited with an idea and you tell them it's stupid, they're going to be hurt. They're going to feel disrespected. And there's going to be a rift between the two of you. And you can think to yourself all you want. Well, they shouldn't feel hurt. I was just giving them the truth.

SPEAKER_04 4:22

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 4:23

That's just not reality.

SPEAKER_04 4:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

That's not the real how relationships work.

SPEAKER_04 4:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

For the record, I don't think I ever told her her ideas were stupid. I just probably act like it or insinuated it.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

I don't think you ever said my ideas were stupid. What I remember more than anything was I would come to you like emotionally upset about something, and you would say, like, I don't want to talk about emotions. You haven't said that in years. But if I led anything emotionally, you were like, I don't want to hear it.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:55

But you're not like that now.

SPEAKER_02 4:59

Next question.

When A Husband Stops Opening Up

SPEAKER_03 5:03

Where do men go when they stop talking to their wives?

SPEAKER_02 5:08

In what way? Like, are we talking about like stop talking to their wives as in they've given up communicating altogether and they've just gone quiet and they will no longer open up to their wife?

SPEAKER_04 5:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

And okay. So not like you and I finish a conversation and go up and pay Battlefield with my bros. Okay. I don't know. I think you and I only had one instance where we stopped talking, but that wasn't me. That was you, and I had work and I just went to work. So I couldn't tell you. If a man shuts down emotionally and is no longer connecting with, interacting with on an emotional level with his wife, sooner or later he'll probably go into the arms of another woman.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

He may absorb himself in work.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

But I I don't know from personal experience, so I can't tell you. And I don't know a lot of guys who have done that. Thankfully.

SPEAKER_03 6:09

I know, right. Thankfully.

Why Communication Is Not The Whole

SPEAKER_03 6:11

What's the most useless piece of marriage advice you've ever heard?

SPEAKER_02 6:14

Oh, I've heard so many. It's man, I've heard so many. I've heard I've heard it said a lot. Well, it's all about communication.

SPEAKER_04 6:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

Well, it's partially about communication and how we communicate. That that adds into the parasympathetic response that I mentioned earlier. And that's a big part of it. Our tone of voice. But Gottman notes in communicating with one another, whether that's about disagreements or things that you're just not aligned on, the majority of the time a married couple will never become aligned on whatever that thing is. Yeah. And yet you can still have a very healthy outcome long-term without ever being fully aligned. So it are you I don't think I would say that it's stupid or the dumbest piece of marriage advice I've ever heard. I feel like it just falls short of the full answer to say that it's all about communication because it's about more than that. And communication is a piece of that. I'm sure if I were to look at some of the influencers in the marriage field, I would be able to point out several things at a given minute that they say that I'm like, that's really stupid. But short of that, I'll keep my opinions myself for now.

SPEAKER_03 7:34

Have you ever heard me say anything that you don't agree with?

SPEAKER_02 7:38

All the time. Like I don't think it's stupid. There are times where the this isn't the marriage helper way, so I just keep my mouth shut. But there are times where there's an advocacy for someone to stand for their marriage. And when I hear the full disclosure of the circumstances come to light as that person explains it, which is a one-sided explanation, I think to myself, if even half of what that person's saying is true, they should file today. That doesn't mean they have to follow through with filing and going through with the divorce, but they need to file today and have those papers delivered to their spouse.

SPEAKER_03 8:18

Aaron Powell Is there anything other than that kind of thing?

SPEAKER_02 8:22

Not really.

Contempt And What To Never Tolerate

SPEAKER_03 8:23

What should someone never tolerate in a marriage?

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Extreme disrespect.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

But depending on what we consider cheating, and then there's micro-cheating. So if if you laugh at another guy's joke, is that is that micro-cheating? Well, I'm going to tolerate that regardless of whether what we're saying.

SPEAKER_03 8:51

It's like the episode of Friends word for Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

We're Chandler and Monica, and there's a guy at work that she thinks is super funny.

SPEAKER_03 8:58

He is without a doubt the funniest guy I have ever met.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

So, but extreme forms of disrespect either way, and contempt. I think underlying all contempt is extreme disrespect. You could almost say that they're kind of interchangeable. It's difficult to have one without the other. So for those who um may be wondering Gottman's Four Horsemen, the contempt one in particular. And the reason that you shouldn't tolerate that is because that is the biggest make or break in any given marriage. Contempt, which is also, I believe, extreme disrespect. If you tolerate it, thinking that you're going to bring bring peace into your marriage just by putting up with it, you're not. Long term, it's all going to fall apart, regardless. So to do yourself a favor, not just for how you feel, but stand up to that and don't tolerate it. And there's there's gentle but firm ways to do that. Which I'm sure you get into a lot.

SPEAKER_03 10:05

Have you ever heard me teach something and you've thought you don't do that?

SPEAKER_02 10:11

So teach something good and then you don't do that. And I can't think of anything off the top of my head. No. I haven't heard you preach something, and I'm like, oh, she doesn't do that.

SPEAKER_03 10:25

I'm not paying him. This is his really good.

SPEAKER_02 10:28

That's true. I'm not being paid. I didn't know that you advocated paying your husband. I I don't know what you're supposed to pay him for, but like to give a good answer.

SPEAKER_03 10:37

Like I'm not paying you to be like, say, like make me look good.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

Okay. But I want payment for that. We'll negotiate that later.

Would We Marry Faster Or Slower

SPEAKER_03 10:48

If we started over today, would you marry me faster or slower?

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Slower. Why? You wanted a June wedding. I did want a June wedding.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

I so badly wanted a June wedding. For the for the listeners, we dated for nine months and we were engaged for like a month and a half. So it was about 10 and it was less than a year.

SPEAKER_02 11:21

Yeah, so I've heard I've heard people say that spiritually, in life, in general, Satan will try and rush you. Whereas God is very patient. And the dichotomy is that Satan has very limited time, and so he's always in a rush. And he knows he has limited time. Whereas God has all of eternity. And in a way, that is symbolized by how often God wants people to wait for good things. And how much patience is emphasized, and how much you have to have patience as a follower of Christ. So I would have waited. It was worth waiting. I would have figured out how to get you that June wedding. Even if it was in Korea. Now beautiful time of year.

SPEAKER_03 12:14

Now thinking about that, I'm like, we should have gotten married in Korea. I've never thought of it.

SPEAKER_02 12:20

Oh my gosh, we should have done that. We should have. But we didn't know.

SPEAKER_03 12:23

And I was like, oh, and I so wanted. Right. Like then in my life, it was like, I want all these people there. And, you know, the 200-person guest list. And which now I would do a totally different thing.

SPEAKER_02 12:39

I mean, we don't talk to 90% of those folks.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Yeah. Probably only the people we're related to are the ones we still talk about.

SPEAKER_02 12:46

Including a lot of people who are your bridesmaids and the groomsmen. More than 50% of those people, if we if we were like walking on the street and saw them, we might not even recognize them. We might not even say hi. Or if we did, it would be like, oh hey, how's it going? And then you just keep keep going. Yeah. So location, wedding, only the people who no offense to everybody else at the wedding. Only people who really truly were very close to us.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

Yeah. Well, hold on. Actually, a follow-up question to that one. Slower. So the answer was would you marry me faster or slower? Slower. But would you marry me again?

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 13:27

100%. Last

Our Hardest Season And The Turning Point

SPEAKER_03 13:30

question. Last question. What's the hardest season we survived and what actually got us through it?

SPEAKER_02 13:38

Yeah, so it was we have the same answer on that one. It was when I got back from Korea. When we were there, we kind of got tired of each other and made an excuse to more or less, you go back to the States, I stay there because I have to, and you go do grad school. And so in that 12 months of us being apart, we only saw each other maybe four weeks. We didn't talk every day. So I get back, and there's a reacquainting, period, involved. Getting to know each other again, getting back into the groove of it. That was a very turbulent time for me and emotionally. Professionally. And instead of opening up to you and bringing those vulnerabilities to you, I just kind of like channeled anger and frustration, and then you were kind of like the the pinata that was on the receiving end of that. That made things really hard.

SPEAKER_04 14:40

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

Until I had to come to the realization that my wife's not the problem. I actually don't even think I'm the problem. I think there are things out there that are that are problems, and I need to recognize them as separate from either of us. And even be open with you about what they are. So that you can see them and be like, oh I'm so sorry. And we work through it and we grow together. And in that season we were not growing together. We were growing apart, but not. And it's when couples, either one or both together go through trials and they grow. That's what keeps people married for 15, 60 years. But eventually I did snap out of it and I was we were able to kind of redirect a lot of that. But it took time. It was an oscillation. It wasn't a either Rob has achieved kind of emotional nirvana and is thus a good person to be around, or he's a dreadful nightmare. And even now, as we speak, every person has good days and bad days. But the goal is, of course, to have like 95% good days where your, you know, your your family sees you as that safe, great place, that person that they want to be around. And I had no concept of that, of how I would make other people feel around me. All I knew was people aren't doing things right, they aren't doing things the way I want them to. Thus I'm because I'm a captain in the army, this is all I know, I must dig into them. And my spouse was no exception to this rule. Everyone must comply with exactly how I want things done. Or I'll blow up. Obviously, that's not the formula for good marriage or good relationship, even in the military. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:50

I would say from my perspective though, I felt bad, not at the time, but later looking back. Because the year that we were separated, you did go through a lot of hard things, and I wasn't there. So you were alone. And I realized later, man, he like I had left. He wasn't, he didn't have me to talk to, to process with. There was no one there for him. And I think that was part of what made it hard too, with the reacquaintance. And um, and then from that point, like I just remember that there was that there came a point because it was like what you said. But then there came a point one day where I was like, I've got to stop focusing on him. Like every change of emotion you had would just I don't know the right word, but like I was very sensitive to you and making you happy in your emotions. And when we were living in Texas, there was one day where I was like, I can't, he can't be it. He can't like take the place of God in my life, basically. Because that's kind of what it had become. Like I wanted to make you happy more than anyone. And when that shifted, I feel like that's when things began to shift in us because I wasn't as focused on you. And you had room to breathe, and I was working on me. And I think that's part of what over the next, you know, months and couple of years from there allowed the allowed us to get to where we're in a really good place.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

And focusing on your spouse's every emotion and trying everything you can to make them happy as often as you can is not actually a formula for making them happier. Probably at all.

SPEAKER_03 18:45

You hated it I did.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

And the fact is I never wanted that. And I was relieved when I s I sensed a shift within you that you were no longer focused on how I felt in a given moment. That you were no longer focused on trying to make me happy. I couldn't make me happy. I knew you couldn't make me happy. Nobody was making me happy.

SPEAKER_04 19:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:09

So don't focus on trying to make your spouse happy. It won't it won't work, ironically enough. In the short run, you might get just a little glimmer of hope, but in the long run, you gotta focus on you.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

I think you passed the hot seat. Good. Will you come back?

SPEAKER_02 19:28

Probably not.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

Why not?

SPEAKER_02 19:30

Okay, maybe. Yes, come back. But I'm gonna have to get paid the next time.

SPEAKER_03 19:36

Yeah. Thank you for having me. I will pay you in fat caps.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

We'll we'll negotiate. I'll have my people reach out to your people. That's right. Arrow's gonna represent me, Eliana can represent you.

SPEAKER_03 19:50

Elias Eliana is cutthroat and feisty, so I will win that competition.

SPEAKER_02 19:57

We'll see. She learned it from me. All right. Well, thank you for having

Psalm 13 And Feeling Forgotten

SPEAKER_02 20:01

me.

SPEAKER_03 20:01

Today we're gonna study Psalm 13. And maybe it's actually not as much of a study this time as it is a reading through and giving you the application that I have as a takeaway from this. But I also always love to hear your thoughts and your application from scripture as well. Psalm 13 has been another psalm that I have loved my whole life. And actually, ever since college. But I love this so much because it's such a raw, it's such a raw psalm where someone is crying out to God and just saying, I feel forgotten. I feel like you have turned your face from me. Where are you? Let's read it together. Psalm 13. How long, O Lord, will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I bear pain in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all day long? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God, give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, and my enemy will say, I have prevailed. My foes will rejoice because I am shaken. But I trust in your steadfast love. My heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me. Other versions end and they say, I will sing to the Lord because he has been good to me. We see this rawness. One of the things that I loved in high school is I studied the life of Mother Teresa. We all know Mother Teresa. She was well known for the good work she did, for her faithfulness to God, for her ministry to the dead and dying that she had. In Kolkutta, India, where she saw people that everyone else was turning their backs on, wouldn't touch because they were unclean, and she created a space for them to die with dignity, along with so many other things that she did. But one of the most shocking things about Mother Teresa that I found was that for the majority of her life, she felt like God was silent. Yet she maintained her faithfulness to him and to doing the things that she believed that he was calling her to do, even in the midst of the silence, where she felt like God was just not listening to her, not answering her. She didn't let her feelings control her actions. She did the things that she knew she should do, and she has journals that you can actually see now that have been turned into books, some of her journal entries where we see how she was crying out to God for her to be answered, for him to answer her, and wondering where he was. Wondering what she should do next. And she just continued faithfully serving until she would hear from him. That's how I feel, that's what I think about in these Psalms. And I know that there's been so many times in my life when I was in college, when I was even in high school, and of course, as later into my adult years, where I've encountered circumstances where I've just said, God, where are you? Why are you not answering? Many times in my life, I have felt like God has been silent, where I've been trying to choose between two different things and there's not a clear direction. And one of the things that I remember my dad saying to me when I was about 18 years old was, Kimberly, sometimes, sometimes maybe God is okay with either one, as long as neither of them are in competition with what scripture says, none of them are sinful or bad. But sometimes you're choosing between two good options, two job offers, two opportunities of where you could move or live, two things or more, and you're just saying, God, what do you want me to do? And you feel like there's no answer. Sometimes you just need to move forward, but sometimes there's issues where you're just begging God to come through, to cure an illness, to save a loved one from a destructive path they're on, to take away a temptation for your own life. And you are just saying, God, where are you? How long am I gonna be alone? But by the end of the psalm, I can just, I can just sense that the person doesn't have this full hope yet. The person who wrote this psalm. That they don't have a full hope yet, but they want to. And so they declare it in their lives before it's true. I trusted in your steadfast love. My heart shall rejoice in your salvation. God, I have trusted you and I'm going to continue. And I know one day I'm gonna rejoice in the good that I see that you do. I will rejoice in your salvation. If nothing else, rejoice in the salvation of the fact that Jesus died for our sin so that we can be with him one day in heaven. My heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, not because I feel like it, not because everything is going great, but because you have been good to me.

Stacked Stones And Remembering God’s Goodness

SPEAKER_03 25:29

Sometimes when we feel like God has forgotten us, one of the best things we can do is look backwards in our lives at the things that He has done for us before, at the ways that He has come through, big and small, and think of those as the stacked stones that we see occur so many times in the Old Testament, where the Israelites go through the Red Sea. They are, they cross over the Jordan. There's times where God has rescued them and guided them, and they take a moment to stack stones so that they will remember that spot and remember what God did for them there. What are the stacked stones that you need to think about right now in your life? Maybe you should go get some stones and just write on them with a Sharpie and just stack them up so that you can have a visual reminder of the goodness of God in your past as a promise of the goodness of God that will happen in your future. That's today's study scripture with me.

Rapid Fire Q And A During Planks

SPEAKER_00 26:28

Okay, we are back for another segment of the hot seat. This week, Dr. Kimberly is doing planks. A plank. Planks, a plank, I think it's just a plank. For however long that she can go.

unknown 26:47

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 26:48

How long, how long do you think you can hold?

SPEAKER_03 26:50

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

You also don't have the microphone.

SPEAKER_03 26:53

I don't know, but the the thing is. We have agreed that I can move around. Like I I the only rule is I can't fall to my knees. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

She can't you can't break the plank.

SPEAKER_03 27:08

I can't break the plank. So.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

She's gonna bend the rules.

SPEAKER_03 27:14

I have some ideas of some things that I can do.

SPEAKER_00 27:18

Okay. I might run out of questions.

SPEAKER_03 27:21

Then I will have won.

SPEAKER_00 27:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 27:24

Who do you want to win, Jason? Me or you?

SPEAKER_00 27:27

Me? What kind of question is that?

SPEAKER_03 27:29

I better start thinking of questions.

SPEAKER_00 27:31

Okay. Alright. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_03 27:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:35

Okay. Question number one. When talking about the physical part of attraction, what's the first thing that someone should focus on in physical attraction?

SPEAKER_03 27:47

Getting enough sleep.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

Why? Why is sleep the most important?

SPEAKER_03 27:50

Because sleep allows you to have the energy to do the things that you need to do, like exercise, like make healthier eating choices, um, just having the energy to do the things that actually help lead to more physical attraction.

SPEAKER_00 28:01

What is better, listening to respond or listening to understand?

SPEAKER_03 28:06

Listening to understand, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

And how can someone do that if they're used to listening to respond?

SPEAKER_03 28:11

If you are thinking of what your answer to their question or statement is while they're still talking, you are not listening to understand.

SPEAKER_00 28:21

Okay, when it comes to intellectual attraction, what can someone do today that can improve their intellectual attraction?

SPEAKER_03 28:30

Going into my side point.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

Okay. What can someone do today to start working on their intellectual attraction?

SPEAKER_03 28:36

Find a hobby, like something you've been wanting to do that and learn, learning a new language, learning to play piano, whatever it is, just start doing that.

SPEAKER_00 28:45

Is it more important for someone to tell the truth now in the moment, or find the right time to tell the truth?

SPEAKER_03 28:54

Uh tell the truth in the moment.

SPEAKER_00 28:58

What is the letter in the pies that you would teach someone first?

SPEAKER_03 29:04

Emotional.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Why?

SPEAKER_03 29:06

Because when it comes to a good relationship, you need to be able to have emotional attraction in order to have a good relationship. Because emotional attraction is all about how to evoke positive emotions within another person and how to not evoke negative emotions in another person. Therefore, it's the most important.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

SPEAKER_03 29:36

Hey, you said I could do side planks, and you said I had to keep facing the camera. Yeah. Have I dropped to my knees?

SPEAKER_00 29:41

No.

SPEAKER_03 29:42

The answer is no.

SPEAKER_00 29:43

No. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 29:44

Hashtag winning.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

Uh-huh. What is the hardest for you to say? I was wrong or I forgive you.

SPEAKER_03 29:51

Me personally?

SPEAKER_00 29:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:53

I was wrong. I can say I forgive you very easily.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

Um.

SPEAKER_03 30:00

Mmm.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

Looks like Kimberly's winning. I'm running out of questions here. Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 30:05

I just want to say I'm also staying in plank position.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

I know, I know. Oh no. What is the last thing you would want people to get wrong about marriage?

SPEAKER_03 30:15

What can quickly that it's not a lifetime commitment? That they can just be married as long as they still like each other?

SPEAKER_00 30:25

Can you explain that a little bit more?

SPEAKER_03 30:27

Sure. Marriage vows are until death to do us part, or they should be. But a lot of people are like, eh, if it doesn't work out, I'll just move on to the next person. And that's the wrong way to think about it.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

In terms of emotional attraction, thinking practically, what are some things that someone could do to start working on their emotional attraction?

SPEAKER_03 30:50

Uh you could start by simply listening, like we talked about earlier. Listening to understand. Ooh, it's starting to get bad. Instead of how to respond. Or listening to respond instead of to understand. So just simply taking the time, putting your screen down. I don't, I'm not, I have this. Why am I even moving the dumbbell?

SPEAKER_00 31:14

I wasn't gonna say anything.

unknown 31:16

I don't even know.

SPEAKER_03 31:18

Um yeah, like just listening, putting a phone down, looking someone in the eye, and taking the intentional time to be with them.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

What is something what is something you see couples fight about that's never really about that thing?

SPEAKER_03 31:35

Oh, uh money. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 31:39

Why money? What is what is the thing that they're usually fighting about?

SPEAKER_03 31:42

They're fighting about respect, not money. Okay, you're being mean now.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

I'm out of questions. I'm out of questions. She won.

SPEAKER_03 31:52

How long did I go?

SPEAKER_00 31:53

Four minutes and 23 seconds.

SPEAKER_03 31:57

I'm hurting.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

Yeah, that was that one was tough. That one was tough.

Keep The Questions Coming

SPEAKER_00 32:04

Dr. Kimberly, why don't you close out this segment?

SPEAKER_03 32:07

I think all of you should go do a boarding while watching this segment. Uh that was hard. The questions are good. Keep the questions coming. Put more questions in the doc below. I love answering your questions. Like, help them out. Give them something different. Don't let them keep torturing me. Please. I beg of you. Until next week. Stay strong.